I Went to Church Today

Sunday 20April14 1:48pm

I went to church today for the first time in 40 Years.
I'd been thinking about it for a long while. I'd been to this church before for a function and I liked the feel of it. A couple had chatted with me back then and told me that the service was filled more with affirmations and wasn't too churchy. That's why they'd started going. So this morning I was up, I got ready, and I left the house and went to church. It was a good experience and one I think I'll continue for the next little while, at least.

So much has been going on in my life that I'm looking at any way and all ways of grounding my energy and keeping a spiritual focus. I was reminded that it was 3 years ago this past Good Friday that I had my elephant experience at my part time job. I actually talked about it with my co-worker this past Thursday because it was the Thursday before Good Friday when the whole big spiritual experience started then continued into the Friday. I had actually said to my co-worker, "I wonder what my Good Friday gift will be this year."

I realized as I chatted with my co-worker about the shenanigans that had transpired through the week of the full moon eclipse that I was describing me coming into my full power as a woman. Finding it, acknowledging it and accepting it. We talked about the boundaries that I've been setting over the years for myself and what I will accept. We talked about the people who have bashed into those boundaries and how I reacted. I didn't react in anger or with force. Instead I looked at the situation, called it what it was, asked myself what I needed to do to clean things up and flipped the script. It's amusing how off balance every one gets when you flip the script on them.

There's nothing better than that moment in a woman's life when she realizes, "I don't have to wait for you to make a decision. I'm making this decision and I'm moving forward with that."
The full moon eclipse energy was filled with turmoil and chaos and confusion and I weaved my way through it feeling like I was dragging sacks of something heavy behind me but I had no choice but to get through it.

I felt so light hearted on my Good Friday, listening to music, singing like I was giving a concert and thinking about my 3 Bees in Australia and smiling. And I was purging. Yes I'm back to my purging with a renewed energy. I've decided I want to leave Toronto for good. I don't know how long that will take or how I'm going to approach it but like planning for Australia, I just need to focus on one project at a time. Ultimately I'd like to land in Australia.

Of course Toronto will start to be kinder to me now, right(?), now that I've decided it's time to go. I was never supposed to stay here as long as I have. I think what stopped me was that I always thought I'd have a companion to make the move with.

The hardest part about being back from Australia is I'm not able to gloss over what's missing in my life anymore. My friends are so spread out and busy with their lives and families. The 'man' I was supposed to find isn't here. And the question that keeps coming up is, 'if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, do I want to be alone here?' Um, nope. I can be alone somewhere warm.

My skin was so beautiful in Australia. I've never seen myself look that dark in my whole life and I loved it. It's so funny and ironic how we grow up with all these issues about our colour and how lighter skinned relatives receive better treatment than the darker ones and I discover how much more I love looking at myself in the mirror when I'm dark. Dark Dark!

So I went to church today. Because I want major changes in my life and I want to ground myself in all this energy and stay fully present in the realization of my own power as a woman. I wrote in my journal before I left for church this morning, "I know what it's like to live my life not having what I want." Going to church was the beginning of the prayers to help me to live a life having what I want.

EY

Challenging People

12Feb13

The most challenging people in your life are there for you to learn how to maintain your light. The real value of the connection is for you to be able to remember who you are and to evolve from lifetimes of suffering, sacrifice and martyrdom into the power of your own presence. Our healing occurs when we stand in the light in spite of the darkness we are surrounded by. When we release our guilt over being in the light when others appear to be in darkness (which is their choice), we become better teachers and leaders. We can lead others out of darkness not by showing them how dark it is in the dark, by become an example of how much more powerful it is to live in the light. We didn't come to the world to turn our light off but to shine it brightly, so shine on and live in joy, without guilt.

I've been trying to ask the Universe for help lately. You know how you can ask yourself a question and get an answer to it in random places?

I've got a couple of really challenging people in my work life. One of them looks for ways to punish me repeatedly because he's mad at me. I told him he was nasty when I discovered him flossing his teeth in the office. I'm sorry, that is nasty. And the other challenging person has been a challenge for 6 years now. I've tried everything. I've tried to avoid this person. I've tried to befriend this person. I've tried to ignore this person. And then some.

This person is like my Mercury Retrograde Nemesis. She'll be calm and forget about me for months at a time and then like Mercury Retrograde she'll peek back around wreaking that murphy's law type of havoc in my life. I don't get it. I've always been of the belief that we agree we don't like each other so let's just stay away from each other. The Challenging ones never seem to live by that motto.

It's been about two weeks now since she's begun her campaign again. Lord only knows what set her off.
But the one Wednesday she blamed me for something that clearly wasn't my fault and I knew it was time to move into avoidance mode as much as possible. Hey I'm a Pisces, we can disappear while standing right in front of you. We have skills. lol Sadly the avoidance mode hasn't been working. It's like she made a pact with herself to remember to pick at me from every angle.

I started to feel anxious about the whole thing because I was thinking it through too much. I was thinking, preparing, myself for all the angles she was going to come at me from. Thinking about where I might need to cover myself. Thinking about what I might say in my own defence. Thinking, thinking, thinking and driving myself a little crazy. Okay more than a little.

Yesterday I got up to get ready for work and I felt dread. The chatter in my head was about: I've fought all these battles before, I've proven myself time and time again, I don't want to have to do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, Oh My God I'm going to have to find another job! I worked myself up and then I realized, I can't go to work like this. So I got quiet.

What am I going to do? I looked up a little and said, "Okay, can you help me out here? I need your help, I don't know what I should do."
I thought I'll do some yoga to stretch out my body and calm my mind. Now I usually just slip a DVD into my laptop but instead I decided to slip it into my TV DVD. I turned on the TV and the channel was on an informercial on depression. Some CD program that you listen to that gives you tips on how to deal with depression and get you off the meds if you're on them. "Yep, yep, it's my thinking," I said and thanked the Universe for the quick help.

I did my Kundalini Yoga session and during the meditation portion of it I heard the thought, you can heal your life.
Right? I pulled out Louise Hay's book, You can Heal Your Life and went straight to the Relationships chapter and read it. This book was the first self help book I ever bought and I turn back to it when things get beyond tough for me. The gist of it is that it's not others we need to change it's us. So I kept it in my mind that what will change this challenging relationship for me is me changing somehow. Good direction.

I got myself bathed and as I was getting ready for work I thought that listening to the news wasn't going to help me none so I flipped around looking for some TV church. I found a channel and the Evangelist was talking about FAITH. Having faith, keeping faith, believing with faith. Good good.

As I walked to work I thanked the Universe for the help. Actually I looked up at the sky and said, "Thank you for that. I know you heard me."

I read more of You Can Heal Your Life last night. The stuff about blessing the person. Whenever the person comes into your mind, "bless them with love every time you think of them." I've been working on it. A part of me wants to ask her, Are you okay? Or maybe ask, can we go to lunch and have a chat? And the other part of me is still pissed at these years of torture. Hey I'm only human.

In my 'only humanness' and flipping back and forth today between blessing her and being pissed off I came across this message from Jennifer Hoffman that really was a strong message and reminds me that blessing her is my only option if I want to move forward in my joy. Being pissed off just attracts more of the same.


Here is Jennifer's full message:
“The most challenging people in your life are not there for you to heal their darkness, they are there for you to learn how to maintain your light. While their healing is an option (which they have to choose for themselves) that your presence affords them, the real value of the connection is for you to be able to remember who you are and to evolve from lifetimes of suffering, sacrifice and martyrdom into the power of your own presence. Our healing occurs when we stand in the light in spite of the darkness we are surrounded by, not by how many people we convince to leave their darkness for the light.

When we release our guilt over being in the light when others appear to be in darkness (which is their choice), we become better teachers and leaders. We can lead others out of darkness not by showing them how dark it is in the dark, by become an example of how much more powerful it is to live in the light. When we live in the darkness for the sake and purpose of reminding someone of the darkness' limitations (which they already know), we aren't serving anyone.

We didn't come to the world to turn our light off but to shine it brightly, so shine on and live in joy, without guilt. How powerful is it to stand in a dark room and tell someone that there is a better option that we'll show them, as soon as they decide to get out of the dark room. How much more powerful is it to be in the most brightly lit, joyful and powerful place we can imagine for ourselves, see them standing at the doorway and inviting them to come in?
Jennifer Hoffman from my upcoming book: Evolving at the Speed of Soul”


I expect there will be more challenges before things change for the better but I have Faith that I can stay within my light and I don't need to be dragged into the darkness that this person chooses to live in.

2013 feels like a year to focus on gratitude. These messages from the universe are definitely things to be grateful for.


EY

2013 - Personal 1 Year

2013 brings me into a Personal 1 Year and a new 10 year cycle. It's a big time to set my focus for what I want within these ten years and what I want to change.

My biggest focus is to live in gratitude. I've listened to so many people complain about what they don't have, what they thought they'd have, what they didn't receive, what they expected, what other people have... It just stops the flow of everything. Happiness, more good in your life, everything. When we're focused on all that we think we don't have we can't be happy for others when they receive their good. It falls into abundance that there's enough for everyone.

I feel like I've done more emotional work in the last 10 year cycle then any other time of my life. I took a deep hard look at the cycles in my life that have repeated themselves and repeated themselves some more. I feel like I've genuinely worked through major issues. I'm calling it a bit of a heroes journey. lol. Might as well make it big in my mind. It is actually big.

I'm feeling like this 10 years will be more sociable. I needed the solitary before. I now know how to seek the solitary without guilt, so I can be more sociable. I feel more optimistic. I feel like I've shaken off the serious demons. I am responsible for myself, my dreams, my joy.

I find I've been looking at the disagreeable people in my life with a different perspective. In the midst of steering clear of their drama I'm also seeing them as tortured people. This one person who, even in the New Year, continues to hold a grudge against me but that's not enough. He goes out of his way to try to cause grief in my life. I got his number. He doesn't affect me but I feel sorry that he still doesn't see that you can waste your life trying to get back at people. We can be so stubborn. We can waste our time. We can torture ourselves needlessly. Part of it is we're too scared to do the work. That's not my cross to bear. I don't need to heal him, guide him, lead him. He is not my responsibility.

If I watch any reality shows, there are two that I will catch. Hoarders, because I can't make it through 15 minutes without getting up and cleaning. lol.

And Intervention. I have a fascination with Intervention. I have a fascination with addiction and the torture that sends people in the direction of their addictions. There's usually something, some upset that precipitates the addiction. I've been through some of the things that some of those people have gone through. Grew up watching adults with addiction, was a witness to domestic violence. I realize that I could be one of those addicted people on intervention if I didn't handle my demons in writing. Us humans, we can be such a tortured lot.

We have to work through our torture, our demons, otherwise they have all sorts of unknown powers over us. I want my power. I want to focus on my power in these 10 years and beyond.

2012 was an awesome year for me, when I look back at the year as a whole. There were a couple of low points but that's life. Going back to my old homes from my childhood really provided a real shift in my mind for me. I felt less jinxed and more possibilities. I feel like I worked through some serious stuff and I was rewarded for it and the benefits in the coming years are unimaginable.

Ha! I think I just finally grew up! It was bound to happen.

EY

A Life off Track

Wednesday 8June11

Things are getting to the boiling point at work lately. I swear on of my co-workers, Monte (fake-name) had decided that his New Year's Resolution was to stir the pot until it exploded or something. From January he came back with an attitude of injustice and he hasn't let it go since. We are June now, it is half way through the year. Shaking my head.

His biggest war has been about overtime hours and how the overtime hours have been allotted. Now I've been working there for 10 years. When I first started there Monte barely did any work. He did the absolute minimal that wouldn't get him fired. He never even considered working overtime. Allan, an optimistic guy, always worked overtime. Sometimes, I thought, to the detriment of his family life. But he has a really cool wife who is super understanding and gets that the more money they can put on their house, the quicker it will be paid off.

Monte has always made fun of Allan. He's called him a brown noser and the like. His enjoyment has always been in trying to crush Allan's happy spirit and optimistic attitude. Then slowly my boss started to light fires under the lazy guys asses and Monte started to change his attitude a bit and did more work. That said, he is the type of guy that over-explains everything and it's clearly his way of wasting time rather than doing actual work. But not everyone is going to be conscientious so you bear with it.

In the last year and a half, out of nowhere Monte has decided that he too wants to work overtime. We all shook our heads in amazement. You want to work overtime at a job that you hate? Interesting way to make money. So he's been working overtime but that hasn't actually been enough for him. Everyday he comes in and checks Allan's timecard to see if Allan has worked overtime and if he has, Monte is in a foul mood for the entire day. Talk about setting yourself up for a miserable life.

And then January rolls around and he comes back to work after nearly 3 weeks vacation and a whole new vendetta. And we've been dealing with this ever since. He has grieved the issue with the union to no avail. The union basically said that as long as management gives everyone a fair shake at it, within the system that they've been using for 30 years(!) there was nothing he could do about it.

I guess what's interesting to me about all this is how far off track we can get in our lives. How we can waste our energies on stupidness that means nothing when we could be channelling it into something better. Realizing goals, making love relationships work, planting a freaking garden. ha-ha! If you are focusing on what you love you don't have the time to start a campaign to make another person's life miserable. Plain and simple. You don't worry about what other people are doing when you have goals to keep you focused.

I'm not an overtime person, I never have been. I get a second job. It's a change of environment and a whole other paycheque that isn't taxed to death making you feel like you worked for an extra $5.

We recently had a Respectful workplace training seminar for the entire company. Of course we all went on different days because the whole company can't stop to take the seminar. In it the Seminar leader talked about negativity in the workplace creating a hostile work environment. She said that we are a culture of complainers. We complain about the drive into work, we complain about the line to get coffee, we complain about the job, we complain about the weather, we complain and complain. She then asked, what about the happy people who don't complain. What about the people who say, that was a great drive in. And oh my kid got all C's on his report card, I'm so proud of him. And that cold air is refreshing it really helps you to wake up and face the day. What do we do to those people?

I spoke up and said, "As a culture, we try to crush them. We want to make them as miserable as we feel so we go out of our way to make fun of them and their optimism and whatever else we can."
Everybody in the room started laughing. I said, "No I'm serious and it isn't funny." And I gave a brush stroke description of Allan (who was in the seminar sitting beside me)and how he comes to work in a good mood and he loves his job and he loves to work overtime and he'll do the dirtiest jobs and how a couple of the guys outwardly try to make his life miserable.

The seminar leader smiled and said, "Shelley's absolutely right and those people are making it a hostile work environment for Allan."

Everybody in the room gasped.

Yes folks, we want to live happy lives and begrudge the people who are actually living happy lives instead of finding out from them what their secret is. It's just a state of mind, how you choose to look at things. The shittiest job can make you happy if you haven't worked in a year and you really, really need the money. When you only have $20 until payday you can all of a sudden get creative and buy some fantastic groceries and really savour the meal you've made and the leftovers that will get you through until payday. There are so many things that we can do when we have no choice in the matter and be really happy about it.

And then we get off track. We have $400 so we buy all this extravagant stuff for groceries and we don't appreciate it like we did those $20 groceries. We've been working at a job for 30 years and forget what's it's like to have to worry about where our next paycheque will come from so out of boredom and malice we make the happy guy's life miserable.

I tell Allan everyday, "don't give into the pressure. Don't lose your inner light. He's not your problem, he's his problem."

And it's true. We're all our own worst enemy and we get off track.

EY