What's Good About This?

Wednesday 6:42pm 30April14

I'm happy to see the end of this April let me tell you. It has been EXHAUSTING! I have climbed into bed more times before 8pm then ever. But in the light of the New Moon I'm starting to feel human again and look at the positives in all the shenanigans.

It amazes me how one man can enter my life and truly make me swoon like a teenager and then ruin everything.
That's the problem with games. A man might think that he's got some sense of control or he can prove something to himself with that attitude of I'll show her I like her and then I'll never show up when I say I'm going to. She'll be putty in my hands. Yes the fake bad boy persona works well indeed, on 20 year olds. I think he forgot I am 50.

20 year olds don't always know that that feeling he's giving you isn't excitement, it's anxiety.
20 year olds don't always realize that there has to be action behind those words no matter how nice the words may sound. They do nothing if there is no consistent action to prove the words true.

The problem with games, when you play games with me, is that when I reach that moment where I say out loud to myself, "Oh he's really not interested in me," it's game over. I move into face saving mode, I do one action or I say a comment that makes it clear, "I don't think of you as boyfriend material, you've been set free." And then I expect him to go away. He didn't go away.

Man oh man, my male confidants were telling me to expect him to ask me out because now he's wondering why you're not interested in him and all I kept saying was, "but how do I get rid of him?" You move into this weird limbo of maybe this guy can be a good guy once he realizes that I don't play the games. Or maybe this guy will just give up the posturing and just talk to me like we are two normal humans. Or maybe I don't know, anything but this. Because this person felt so big in my life I felt a little stuck with wondering when things might change for the better. The optimist in me. But as I picked that hypothesis apart in my journal, I finally wrote down "he really felt like he could totally be a good guy if he just got the proper focus and stopped with the games and bullshit. Oh wait, right, if he were ANOTHER person!" ha-ha!

The big thing for me is how to pull myself out of these things without walking away bitter or angry or ready to punch someone in the stomach.

It's interesting though because I was telling an anecdote about an old boyfriend, Bryan. He wanted things from me that I wasn't willing to give him and because he didn't like that my answer was no, he tried every way to beat up my self esteem instead of simply leaving. I kept saying to him, "clearly I'm not the woman for you, why do you keep coming back? Why do you keep calling? Why won't you let me be?"

This similar thing was happening. This new guy would blurt out some inappropriate story that he just had to tell me. That had nothing to do with our pleasant conversation. It was like he was trying to tell me repeatedly that he's not interested in me, when he only had to tell me once. It was like he couldn't stay away from me just like Bryan, like he was courting me or trying to get my attention with insults. It was unsettling.

So I had to finally punch him in the stomach. Not with my fist, of course, but with a comment that essentially said, "if you can't be a likeable guy I can't even talk to you, anymore." Only what I said was harsher and really pinpointed how childish his behaviour is for a man who expects to be looked at treated like he's a man.

I realize that I can often compartmentalize what people do as not affecting me but I'm not willing to do that anymore. I'm not interested in interacting with men I know treat women poorly. Or as my friend James would say, like port-o-potties. I'm over justifying people who say I'm going to do this for you, probably mean it at the time, but never follow through. And it all comes back to the Human Design chart and the readings about half-assed, last minute invitations and half-assed people. It's a waste of my time and energy. I like that in one of my readings it says, "don't waste your time on the glitter, the gold is just around the corner."

When normally at this point I would have given up I've actually said to myself over the last couple days, "I'm waiting for the Gold."

So there we go, I'm waiting for the gold trusting it's on its way.

Now that's a new moon intention if there ever was one!
EY

Shenanigans and New Music (new to me)

Monday 21April14 8:19pm

Well the best laid plans. I planned on sitting down earlier than this to blog and write but alas the Universe had another idea. I got a little bit of groceries for my lunches for the rest of the week. I love it when the weather is warm enough that I can bring a bunch of little munchies to eat throughout the day. I've got mini carrots, a variety of fruit, potato salad, a boiled egg (boiling eggs in a rice cooker is the best by the way.) I've got pistachios, Havarti, green pepper, snow peas and yogurt. Little bits and pieces of stuff to chomp on. I'll have my banana and almond milk smoothie in the morning before I leave the house to go to work and I'm all set to graze all day. I got my lunch prepared and in my lunch bag in record time.

Then I decide I'll call my tax guy to meet up to get my taxes. I book it over there give him his money and walk away with my taxes. woo hoo! I take a quick look at it, "Holy Cow! I've got to pay a junkload of taxes this year!" I sign it, stuff it in the envelope, lick the envelope and then decide to study my copy. Why do I owe so much taxes? Of course the bulk of my RRSP contribution is missing from the return. So I spend an hour looking for the receipt that I'm positive I'd put in the envelope. I do the same thing every year. I take an envelope, write down the year and dump all of my receipts in it. So I'm positive my tax guy lost it but what am I going to do, blame him?

Then I spend another 30 minutes trying to remember my login and password to get onto the site so I can get a duplicate receipt. It's a good thing I went to church on Sunday. LOL! Anyway I got in, got the duplicate, called my tax guy, booked it back over and now he re-prepares my taxes! And now it's after 8pm.

It's a good thing I've got some good new music. I've been listening to a lot of music since I got back from Australia. One reason is the Two Bees bought me a bluetooth speaker for my Ipod. So that lovely little speaker comes everywhere with me. I even brought it to my part time job on Thursday and played music while my co-worker and I chatted. The other reason is one of the Bees gave me three flashdrives filled with music!

Of course, like a teenager, when I like a song I'll put it on repeat for awhile and dance or learn the words.
I've got so many things I love about music. I love sitting with the one Bee and turning each other on to music. We take turns playing what we're listening to and see if the other one has heard or likes it. Bee and I did that on one of my days in Australia. My childhood best friend in Montreal and I also do that. It makes me smile even as I'm typing this :-D

The one song I've been playing strong (or as I normally say, I've been killing that song) is Ben L'Oncle Soul's, Ain't Off To the Back. I always love a good danceable song. Apparently Ben L'Oncle looks a bit like Uncle Ben, famous for his rice, ha-ha, and that's how he got his name. I don't know why it's taken me this long to look up the words to this song but what a way to make me love the song even more. A danceable song about Rosa Parks what's not to love?

The other song of his that I've been killing is, I Don't wWanna Waste. a nice sweet little groovy love song that I found when I went looking for more of his music.
I hope you like the new to me music.

Get your taxes done and check them twice! And apparently the eclipse isn't over with us, there's more of it on the 29th of April. Woo hoo! If anyone is planning to profess their undying love to me now you'd better have proof! ha-ha. shenanigans.
EY