Projector Island

Saturday 19Nov16

I've been working through so much stuff that I stopped pressuring myself to get everything/anything done.
That everything included blogging.

So much has happened since my trip to Australia in February & March of 2014 plus happening upon Human Design once I got back. There hasn't been much to write about except for really personal stuff. My blogs are somewhat personal of course but there is some personal that I'm not willing to share in this format.

I've mostly been coming to this place where I've allowed everything to slow down. Stop chasing, sit back and wait. I've been fighting it too mind you. Returning from my trip to Australia was definitely the dividing point where my social life got even slower than it has ever been. Finding ways to accept this fact without bitterness. Finding ways to understand that there are lulls. Finding ways to accept that there are lulls. Acceptance ahh! Acceptance.

I'm not going to lie. I was pissed at friends who I'd bought presents for who I never did see. I've since given those presents to other people. I was pissed at making contact attempts that I knew were read but people/friends just never seemed to respond to. I swear I felt like I was being punished for finally having something good and as big as Australia happen in my life.

Does anyone else try to force things, push things forward, rail against what is, to change it into something better than what is? I'm learning how to calm that noise. I'm learning how to be present to what is right in front of me. The Police horse with the blinders that blocks the peripheral vision of all the traffic to the left and right that keeps her from getting spooked.

I have moved to Projector island. On Projector island I go about my day to day. I allow the Universe to guide me and tell me who is meant to be in my life by the invitations I receive, finding my clarity on whether or not I want to accept those invitations and the energy that is there or isn't there for the invitations. It's been pretty quiet on Projector Island but quiet has its place. I often forget that.

In the quiet, I've had time to focus on what type of invitations I would like to be prepared for. I'm learning how to save money. Substantial money. Saving for trips I'd like to take. Saving to move. Saving for those magical rare invitations that do come, that will come. I'm starting to believe that being a projector can be wonderful if you open up your belief system and allow the magic. You have to have faith in some magic.

There's that old question, "If you were stranded on an island what would you want to have with you?"

One of those things for me is magic.

As I slowly study Human Design and the slowness of any action in being a projector the image is of a person, me, going on my merry way with my aura radiating and touching others. It's in the way my aura touches others that bring on the invitations or not. When I explained it to a fellow projector friend of mine I said to her, "it's like sitting in a public place reading a book that you are totally engrossed in."

Someone will see you and comment, "You look like you're really enjoying that book!" An invitation.
There are different ways that you react.
With one person you will say, "Yes it's fantastic!" And you'll give them an enthusiastic synopsis.
With another person you will smile and nod your head and go right back to reading.

Life on Projector Island is like reading a book. That is all I need to do. And my aura does all the attracting for me.

I was simply doing my job when I responded to Kyle's email. He needed me to book the loading dock for him and I did. Once everything was said and done, a day or so later, I got an email that said that Kyle wanted to connect on linked in. I accepted his request and didn't think much more of it.

Earlier this month I received a message from Kyle inviting me to a Black Bloggers United meet up. The best part about the invitation is that the meet up was a few blocks away from where I live. I gave myself some time to find the clarity and then accepted the invitation.

The magic part is that for the last couple of months I've kept planning to go out on a Saturday and find a public place to sit and work on my blogs. I know it's the energy of other peoples auras that fuel me. I still hadn't managed to actually get out of the house up to this point. I've been working both jobs on Fridays. So much has changed at my day job. On Fridays I work a full 8 hours at my day job and a full 8 hours at the part time job so by the time I get home on Saturday mornings I've been up close to 24 hours. Needless to say I've been sleeping the bulk of the day on Saturdays and ordering take out because I can't get my act together to get groceries.

This morning I was up at 10am, bathed and ready to meet up with the group. And I was excited. In Human Design the right invitation gives a Projector the energy. I got to the meet up on time and got to meet Kyle and his beautiful wife Nicole and the other people that showed up. Nicole runs the Toronto chapter of Black Bloggers United. I had to laugh too because isn't it always the way that when you're in a group of new people the people look familiar? The best part was that I'd just read a blog entry last week from Black Foodie.

I had a lovely time with these new beautiful, knowledgeable people who are looking to be supported and provide support. Ideas were shared on how to make our blogs better. The bulk of the bloggers use their blogs for business, something I may do eventually. I am still in the personal blog stage while I discover what 'guiding' projector role I have to play. It still was a validation of me blogging.

I'd only mentioned this blog. I wasn't sure if I was going to even discuss Human Design at all. But then through the course of the conversations and a comment about getting people to show up to events I mentioned an aspect of advertising that takes into consideration the different Human Design types. I then said that I have another blog that is only about Human Design. I never tell anyone about that blog (it is followed by people who are into Human design). And there was real interest in it which was pleasing.

Another comment about energy gained from invitations... Over the last couple weeks I've been filling my little writer's note book with ideas for blog entries. Something I haven't done in so long. I've been playing with possible directions that I might take. Being calm and present.

EY

Check out the people I met today:
Nicole Nurse

Dwainia Gray

Michelle Joseph

Eden Hagos

Adam H.C. Myrie

The Pressure to Clone

I walk to work. I've got my Ipod ears on. I find that right rhythm in my step and I observe. How different we are.

Yesterday morning it was still a little warm out after a long weekend of near Summer temperatures. I know it's going to be cold though, later at night, when I'm heading home from my part time gig. It's going to go from a 17 degrees celsius to a 4 degrees and wind. I'm wearing my quilted Canada jacket that I wear through most of the winter unless it's those real polar bear frigid temperatures.

I round the corner through the University grounds and come across a University student, she's wearing a tank and shorts jumpsuit and flip flops. I smile. I love our differences when the weather is in transition. I can stand at the corner waiting for the street light to change from red to green and there's a person in a jump suit, a person in a full on winter coat and toque. I'm always amused by the winter coat and the flip flops combination. Is that like sleeping with one leg sticking out of the covers to balance out your body temperature?

This morning Frankie Flowers (on Breakfast Television) announced there was a windchill. I'm getting ready for work, assessing how I'm going to dress, "A windchill? What the? I'm putting on a turtle neck and I don't care if anyone mocks me."

People watching, this morning, left me zipping my Canada jacket right up and turning up the neck for a little more protection. I did a little shiver shake looking at pretty sundresses and bare feet in flip flops and shorts and t-shirts. "dese peeples cray-zay!"

I remember the year I worked with a manager Jessica who as I walked into the office first thing in the morning, without saying good morning first said, "You're dressed ridiculously, it's not THAT cold out!"
I snapped back, "Yes you're right. I'm dressed this way because I'm seeking attention. I should dress the way you say I should dress because you're not cold."
Then I gave her that cold stare that I have in the morning, that 'don't piss me off first thing in the morning because I have no filters' stare.

We are so different. And yet we tend to question each other with the underlying tone of, "why aren't we the same?" Why aren't I like you, why aren't you like me?

I've been really practicing relaxing into my life this year. Part of my theme this year is to be present. Being present brings me to interesting places.
In my mind, I start with the t-shirt, shorts and flip flops. I go through those few questions, "Doesn't he know there's a windchill? Does he really think that's appropriate clothing for this weather? What's he going to wear when it's actually hot out?"

Then all of a sudden, my mind goes swimming. All of these thoughts brush up against me.

It's cold for me. Me. So I dress appropriately for how it feels to me. What if every single person I see is dressed appropriately for how the weather feels for them?
"It's not THAT cold out!" for them

This little monologue goes off in my mind. We can't really expect everyone to wear the same kind of layers, to walk around all bundled up, to wear the same type of clothes as we are. Like clones.

I digress to the question, has anyone watched the series Orphan Black? Not only am I in love with Tatiana Maslany because she is a superstar in that show, she plays a bunch of clones. And the clones are very different.

For us though, clones would be identical in every way. Weren't the clones in Michael Keaton's movie multiplicity all the same?
My mind bounces over to the pressure to be clones.

If you're single you're constantly asked if you've met someone because we're all meant to be with someone, right?
If you're with someone you're constantly asked when you're getting married because we're all meant to marry that particular person we're with. None of us has ever dated anyone before the person we're with.
If you're married you're constantly asked when you're going to have kids because no couple has ever made it past child-bearing years without having children.
If you live in an apartment why don't you buy a condo? If you live in a condo, when are you going to buy a house?
You know that saying there's no stupid questions? All of those are stupid questions.

One of the topics in my Human Design study brings up frequently how we are raised to live as the other (not ourselves, HD calls it Notself).
We're raised to be Manifestors... go out and get it.
If we are not Manifestors and we don't succeed at trying to live a Manifestors life we question ourselves, what's wrong with me?
Others question us, What's wrong with you that you can't have this or that? Why can't you apply yourself? Why are you always quitting? Why can't you make up your mind?
Do you have that friend where nothing seems to work out in their life? Am I that friend? hahaha!

I've been learning how to relax into my life, every aspect of my life, exactly the way it is. Look at that thing that kind of pisses me off and be relaxed and okay with it. The rush and anxiety to change what I don't like about my life has gotten me into some of the needless skirmishes simply because I couldn't accept my life as it is. I kept asking myself, what's wrong with me? Okay I'm going to go out and get it and this time it's going to work out. and it didn't.

One of my hardest issues to deal with is being single.
I love being single. I've always been okay with being single. I'm not the person to jump in and out of relationships. I believe that it takes a certain type of man for me to be involved with, to commit to and deep down I've always known that about myself. But the world and other peoples stuff surrounding being single kind of beats me down. It's been hard being okay in a world and with people who tell me that I'm not.

I have this stress when I'm going to meet up with friends. I have it when I run into people I haven't seen in a long time. I have it when I meet a new man and he asks how long I've been single. The stress surrounds me like a firing squad and I have to come up with reasons before they shoot me through with holes. It's about the meaning that being single has been given. Can I say that again? It's about the meaning that being single has been given.

Are you seeing anyone?
Have you met anyone?
Why haven't you met anyone?
It has all felt like, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A MAN?
I don't understand why she's single. It's not that hard to meet someone.

What was the conversation between Joe Fox and his dad in You've Got Mail?

NELSON: I just have to meet someone new, that’s all. That's the easy part.
JOE FOX "A snap to find the one single person in the world who fills your heart with joy."
NELSON: "Well, don't be ridiculous son. Have I ever been with anybody who fit that description? Have you?"

I've only ever convinced one person to stop asking me if I'd met anyone yet and that was my mom, when she was still alive.
I would get so frustrated with her when she'd asked me the question. "Mom, I've watched you with men, they weren't exactly gems."
She'd find a way to by pass that obvious observation and we'd go back and forth, me feeling frustrated, pissed off and finally like she saw me as being defective.

I finally hit the right note when I asked my mother, "What if I never meet the right man for me? What if I'm single for the rest of my life, are you going to continue to ask me that question for the rest of my life?"
She said, "OH! That would be a horrible thing to do."
"Exactly."
My mother never, ever, to her dying day, never asked me that question again. Of course, when ever I met someone and dated someone, I always told her. I always tell everyone. We all do that. So why does the question need to be asked anyway?

Plus being in a relationship, that was her stuff. It's never been mine. My stuff is, if he can't make me as happy as I am when I'm alone he gotsta go!

I remember, several years ago, being at my friend Steven's house and his friend Paul who had been consistently single started seeing someone who everyone felt was a serious relationship. Steven said, "I thought Paul would never find someone."
Taken aback I said, "Is that what you say about me that I'll never find someone like it's a problem?"
Steven didn't answer but I've since learned that that was his stuff. Steven's been single for close to 10 years now and he thinks he's a loser. It's not logical thinking!

I want to be able to face down, "Are you seeing anyone?" and be able to feel fully relaxed to say "No I'm not," and not take on all the 'What's wrong with you' projections. Be able to accept that I don't need to stop people from asking the question, they're not going to stop anyways. Get to a point where no matter what you think of me I don't feel the need to try to change it.

I'm really getting there. Plus it's not my stuff. If you think there's something wrong with me because I'm single that's because you believe that there's something wrong with you if you're not in a relationship.

I want to mention in brush strokes the stupidity of our culture and our questions (and the media feeds into it or perpetuates it).
The questions surrounding Jennifer Aniston since she and Brad Pitt divorced :
Is she ever going to find another man?
Is she ever going to get married again?
Is she ever going to have children?
Oh she has a man, oops she couldn't keep him.
The comparison of Jen's life versus Joli/Pitt's life - She couldn't possibly be happy not as happy as Brad anyways.


and questions about Oprah Winfrey:
Are Oprah and Steadman ever going to get married?
Is Oprah really okay with never having children?
She still hasn't married Steadman, How long has she been engaged? 20 years?
She and Gayle must be lesbians, right?

Do you see how we're making them wrong for having the lives that they have and living them? Projecting all this meaning on the lives they are living. Creating these questions that are not their questions.

Maybe Jennifer thinks that having that brood of kids would be a nightmare. Hey, I'd rather take care of that many elephants before having that many kids. I'd rather be a god mother rather than give birth to my own.

Every body has a different life. It plays out the way it plays out. We wear the appropriate clothes for the weather that we feel, not the weather someone else feels.


People live lives never becoming professional basketball players. It just doesn't happen for everyone. It is ridiculous to question people about things that haven't happened for them. That they may not be meant to have.

What if this singleness is my journey? I know it is and I understand why. It is part of the way that I am able to guide.

People die childless. People die unmarried. People die young. Babies die minutes after they are born.
We are all going to die. We have individually unique paths that we will take that lead us to the ultimate.
My Human Design study is becoming the biggest tool that I use in all the healing and soul searching I've done over these years.

EY

Straight For the Knife - Romantic Invitation?

It's an energetic invitation. the energetic invitations always get me in trouble. I'm learning that I can no longer entertain an energetic invitation.
You know the ones. He hovers around the vicinity a little longer, past the end of a valid request. I have to ask every single time, "Did you need something else?"
He has a little grin. Shy. He looks up like he's seriously thinking about the answer and then , "No ,no, I think that's it."
I'm a little slow. I never think anyone is interested in me until I think someone is interested in me. He has to hover a long time and consistently before I even start to clue in.

The energetic inviter is really the guy who uses innuendo as his weapon. He never comes right out and says anything specific. His interest hangs in the air waiting for me to meet up with it. My problem is that I believe that if he shows an interest and I have a reciprocating interest, my natural move is to show enough of an interest as acknowledgement that I'm willing to at least start the dance. Nothing is ever that simple.
I have marveled at the amount of people who jump into relationships quickly and have long-term relationships. I have never been that person. It has never been as simple as meeting a guy and it goes from there. Never!

The gift in all of this interaction with the hovering man is having him as a practice person to work my Human Design out on. The importance is in understanding how detrimental it can be plugging into the wrong person. Allowing the wrong person into my personal life.

I swear I was listening to this Sia song one night and I found it to be the perfect metaphor a charming, seemingly shy man who shows up and gets a Projector woman's hopes up ...I've put the lyrics in quotes.

Put on my best dress, I wanted to impress
I put a little make-up on
Put a bow in my hair, wore pretty underwear
hoping you might take it off
Don't know your etiquette but
I'm strapped to my chair, and it ain't 'cos you're pretty
You were charming, until
You saw your chance to kill, your chance to make history.

I've been reading about Projectors. The warning is that we wait so long between invitations that we get excited when we are finally invited. I think that is where the energetic invitations get me in trouble. I know it's an invitation. We both know it's an invitation. But there is a missing ingredient.
I'm so cheerfully willing to get to know this man and it's like the moment I show that willingness he becomes too sure of himself. Like I'm a done deal when I'm so far from it. Buddy I have to get to know you first.
It's funny how I can be the most difficult person to get to know with people in general. With non-romantic options, I can make it next to impossible to get to know me. I understand how people can wear me out so I don't accept too many people into my personal space. I know how much I give emotionally to my people and how trying it can be. I'm always at the ready to be there whenever I'm needed. I can't be that person for just anyone. With a man, if I've asked myself about my level of interest, I can be so willing to believe that what I want is possible, if he'd just...
There have been some great signs from him but they are simply short lived. His follow through is a mess. A chaotic, confusing mess.
And so we approach the beginning of the end. I lose faith in him.

You went straight for the knife, and I prepared to die
your blade it shines
looked me straight in the eye, you turned the gas on high
held the flame alight, you wonder why
I'm scared of fire
you wonder why you make girls cry.

I've listened to Ra Uru Hu's recording about Projectors and some of what I loved was that he said, "You know that you know about the other." There can be a sense that it's not the proper recognition, not the right person but I ignore it. I want to try to make things fit. Ra's comment that I re-wrote in my notes, "I am here to recognize when the right person shows up. I don't go to find him. The other is so important and it's often the wrong other - which puts a projector into bitterness. We do a lousy job in picking partners because we shouldn't look for them, we are here to be found."
I've wondered if he was just trying to see if he could get my interest. And that was all he needed.
I can remember with an ex-boyfriend how I could always tell when he was talking to a woman on the phone. It was that tone of voice.
It's that innuendo. He had a girlfriend, me, why did he need to speak to other women in that tone of voice? Was he setting up the groundwork to have someone at the ready if things didn't work out with us?

This man talks to me in that certain way that's not professional and not that of just a buddy.

When we have contact with each other, everything is so intense. It's a good intense. It makes me feel alive, it makes me feel good. And there is a promise of more to come, like he means it and then there is radio silence. The contact is unpredictable. Never there when I say okay to his promise, always there when I don't seem to care about his promise. It's such a great lesson for me because I've dated this guy repeatedly. The more this man is around me and not around me I see so clearly this timeline of the same boyfriends who I had the inkling weren't for me but I went out with them anyway. I call it George Clooney in the Role of Warren Beatty.

I love the information about Projectors plugging into others. Aside from what I mentioned earlier about how people can wear me out, that part I understand, the scary part is when it feels good and then it's abruptly pulled away. I wrote in my journal, "Maybe it's just an addiction to your energy. We all know about addictions, right? They are not good for us. They deplete us. They shame us."

My Mascara a mess, harsh words for your princess
boy, you and your promises
if your goal was to love, you scored an epic mess
now you'll just have memories

Projectors, we think a person is one thing and they are something else.
It was the day that I called him a nick name that he didn't love. I said I'd decided that he would be my little brother. I wasn't just putting him in the friend zone, I was putting him in the not an option for sexual intimacy zone. Only then did he volunteer that he was in a non serious relationship, aka friends with benefits, more harshly, fuck-buddies. Projectors are not meant to be fuck buddies. I don't think. Anyway it's not my game, not my thing. It certainly doesn't endear me to a man.

Men who have fuck buddies learn how to treat women like they are disposable. That kind of man doesn't know what to do when he gets a good woman. He's so used to picking the low hanging fruit he doesn't know how to make the effort to pick the fruit from the top of the tree and he doesn't feel like he has to bother.

You went straight for the knife, and I prepared to die
your blade it shines
looked me straight in the eye, you turned the gas on high
held the flame alight, you wonder why
I'm scared of fire
you wonder why you make girls cry

Boy, you draw me back in
I'm hungry for your bad loving
but will someone find me swinging from the rafters
from hanging on your every word.

The lesson brings me in so many directions.
How good an energy from another person can feel that can pull me into a dangerous place emotionally. What I know about myself and learned long before Human Design is that my recovery time is long. I've never been the person who went out with a lot of men or jumped from relationship to relationship because I'm not built for it.
An energy can feel so good that I can lead myself to believe that he'll improve, he'll change, if I just wait it out. He just doesn't know what he wants yet, right? Ha!
When I was in my 20's I had the energy to date this guy. That was how I learned what I know now. When I was 22 and he talked to other women with that tone of voice, I just had to be cool, not jealous, he'd realize that I was the catch. He simply needed to sow his wild oats. When I was 25 and he wasn't a person of his word, I thought if I acted cool he would come around more consistently. I knew never to make a big deal about it. I knew that it was up to me, it was my behaviour that would get him to change his.
I was well-versed in all the ways to take my own recognition out of the equation. I forgot about my own power because I was so busy feeling insecure chasing after people who didn't value or recognize me.

I've played a lot with this interaction. I've tested my feelings within his energy. I see how the energy pull is so easy to get swallowed up in. I can easily be pulled back in. The moment I feel that I mention his fuck buddy to him but I call her his girlfriend.
"Oh you went scuba diving this weekend? Did you go with your girlfriend?"
"I don't have a girlfriend."
Girlfriend is my safe word. It's the reality check that helps me to stay in my field of knowing that I have to reject this person. He is just a test.

I firmly believe the quote from Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist, "What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream."

I feel like this whole interaction falls into that quote. The best part is that the man has become more and more beautiful to look at as the months have passed. He has become more physically attractive. I swear he's grown taller. ha-ha! It wouldn't be a good test, a good lesson otherwise.

You went straight for the knife, and I prepared to die
your blade it shines
looked me straight in the eye, you turned the gas on high
held the flame alight, you wonder why
I'm scared of fire
you wonder why you make girls cry.

In my journal I wrote, Reading Paulo Coehlo's the Alchemist and the boy meets Fatima and ultimately admits that he will have to leave to seek his treasure but he will be back for her. That whole sequence brought me to writing this: I've always known I'd have to wait and the fearful question was, 'What if I have to wait forever? What if he never comes back? (that's the Great Gatsby and Wuthering Heights - He came back but neither woman waited). Now I understand that it's in the recognition of the other that will tell me and how I feel will help me to decide.

With George Clooney (this current man), the Universe is asking me, Have you learned your lesson? Are you willing to love yourself this time around? And when you put it that way, I have to love myself. I have to step forward, then step away and not look back.

With Warren Beatty (the ex), most recently, I have had to keep rejecting him and rejecting him and his invitations have been filled with full out recognition of the type of person I am. But in my heart, I've had to turn him down because he has never given me the one consistent show of action that he meant what he said. I've found that I will have to do the same with George Clooney.

My confession is that I am sad because he is so beautiful and physical and macho. He is such a guy. And boy do I ever want to know what he's like in every possible way... to feel the way he would touch me...AND THAT'S WHERE THE TROUBLE BEGINS!!! All those good feelings go with a man who cherishes me and protects my delicate, sensitive heart. A man who recognizes me and gives me the formal invitation that is just right for me.

EY

Vacation

Thursday 30Oct14 10:30pm

The best vacation is when you don't know the date. I have to check the calendar every single morning. It's been a good feeling. I've been on vacation since Wednesday the 22nd and am off until November 4th.
It's been such a great break from focusing on the experiment, from focusing on being a projector. Although I have been listening to Human Design recordings, it's still been a good break.

I think the main reason is that I'm away from all the junk from work. In the middle of telling my boss, on my last day of work, that the woman who does the invoicing actually had access to a certain work system he cut me off to say fairly loudly, "Do you know how busy she is?" He didn't give me a chance to say what I was trying to say which was, if the approval hadn't gone through by end of day, the woman who does the invoicing has access to the system so she will have to check to see if it's approved because I won't be there to check it. That's all. But somehow I'm accusing her of not doing her job or something. sigh. Nothing like being in a place where you're not valued.

So it's been a great break from that. And all through my vacation I haven't worried about invitations at all. I've been attending the International Festival of Author's as I've done for close to 20 years now. I don't worry about interactions with others for the most part. Of course I know a lot of people there. So I receive a lot of welcoming smiles. But I really do stick to myself. One of my guys at work called it my reading week. I like that.

I've been a bit of a hermit in public. I don't initiate conversations. I walk around in my own little bubble. It is good.

I've been relaxing into the fact that I need/ want a new career/job, a new place to live, that the man who has seemed closest to a love interest is really not the right man although highly charismatic and attractive. It's weird to feel so good around a person and yet...so many things are just not right.

Since I've embraced the fact that 2014 is an alone year I've been having a ball. I went to Stratford, Ontario three weekends in a row. I saw A Midnight's Summer Dream; Hay Fever and Crazy for You. I tell you the Stratford Direct Bus has been a godsend. It's nice to be able to climb on the bus and get dropped off in front of the three theatres. Easy Schmeasy. Although the person sitting beside me has been a crap shoot. I had to give a guy shit for reading over my shoulder. "Buddy, I have to hide my personal writing because you don't have any manners? Shouldn't you be talking to your girlfriend over there?" His girlfriend gave him the look, he stopped reading over my shoulder. I think he was hoping that I would change seats so they could sit together. I get places early so I can sit where I want. I don't give up my seat to people who show up at the last minute and think they are entitled. Okay, okay, steps down from soapbox. :)

I went to see a friend and co-worker from my part time job do her stand up. It was part of a stand up competition. My co-worker is 22 years old. It was a great funny night. I felt special too. When I met her mother she said, "I can finally put a face to the name. My daughter talks a lot about you." It was a nice feeling. Sometimes I feel so bogged down in being around people who don't want me there, it's nice to know that some people do value my presence. It was also nice to see her gratitude in having me show up for her. She had so many friends there but she made it a point to tell me that night and again when I saw her at work how grateful she was that I'd take the time to see her perform.

One of the things I did notice from the Author's festival is that I do feel a bit of a surge of energy from being around so many people each day although it varies, I have felt tired as well. I'm thinking that I may become one of those people who goes to a coffee shop to write. Make use of the energy surge of others to my advantage yet not have to talk to anyone.

One of the benefits of following Human Design is that I feel as though it has given me permission to write. The key direction is that a projector focus on their passion, what they love, while they wait for the pertinent invitations. It really feels like the invitation I've always needed. I've spent so much time looking for the right job and being practical about my life and following the conditioning of parents and society that we need to live our lives following certain things. Well that hasn't worked for me anyways. Following my passions feels so much clearer.

It's good to get clarity on not worrying all the time. That feeling that I have to continue on in a certain direction just because. Who knows what my future has in store for me but I'll face each change as it happens instead of being focused on what ifs. I don't know who said it but I'm feeling it, "Do what they ask you to do until you can do what you want to do."

Of course when I go back to work I will have my evaluation. That should prove interesting. Last year he made up a bunch of bogus criticisms that he had to erase from my eval because I shot holes in each one of his criticisms. No doubt there will be more this go round. It seems to be the thing. I keep hoping that he'll find a way to give me three years pay as severance and I can skip my little black ass out of there for good. ha-ha! You never know.

And so it goes. A long weekend left of vacation and back to grind, hopefully maintaining the better state of emotions.

I'm hoping to blog about the man soon from the Human Design lense. I have a lot of notes. He has been a great gift.

EY

Human Design - The Experiment

Hey, What's Your Sign?

I've always loved Astrology. I like to find out what sign a person is. I like to have an idea of what a person might be like, of who I'm relating to. Of course I know that a person is more than simply a Taurus, that the deeper we delve into a person's full chart ,as opposed to simply their Sun sign, the more we can know about a persons possibilities. Some people still think that if you believe in Astrology that you're flaky but more and more people know their signs if you ask them. Some people will tell you their sign but will add the comment, "but I don't believe in it."

I get that.

To me Astrology is like creating a character for a novel. It's a part of figuring out what kind of person Kali is going to turn out to be. What's her personality. How does she view the world. Is she a sensitive Pisces? A witty, glib Gemini? a Passionate Leo?

I actually see that Astrology was a natural interest for me. There was so much confusion growing up. Confusion with people and who was going to be a good person and who would turn to violence to manipulate and who could betray your confidence and the multitude of options that people use to relate. When I meet people they really are characters to me until they become full fledged human beings. I create a profile of them in my thoughts and rule in beliefs about their personalities. Or rule out beliefs.

I think learning more about Astrology over the 30 or so years that I've been interested in it could be called an experiment. I find out what sign a person is and I notice what similarities that person has to other Aquarians I've met. The certain antics I've noticed that all Pisces men pull when they are playing at romantic interest versus the Pisces man who has a genuine interest. A pisces man will flirt, flirt, flirt and then when you show him an interest, when you want him to shit or get off the pot he'll turn around and say he has a girlfriend. But he won't come right out and say that directly. He'll say something like, "I've got this good thing going and I can't mess it up." or "My ex-girlfriend and I hang out together with our daughters. We lie in bed naked and ..." some random thing about their daughters coming into the bedroom and one daughter asks why are you naked and the other daughter knows why. You have to sit with it for awhile, asking yourself, "What does that mean?" before it sinks in. In other words, they have convoluted ways of telling you they are taken.

Anyway It's a long preamble to say that as I read other blogs and websites about The Human Design system that the thing I like the most is that just about everyone talks about it as the experiment. Because really we can only test things out and see if they are true for us or not. So I'm in the experiment. I'm looking back at where I've been invited and trying to understand the depth of invitations.

I've been looking at my full time job for instance. When I applied to work there it wasn't the first job I'd applied for. I had actually applied for a completely different position at another building. I was interviewed by three people at once. A nerve-wracking experience for sure. One of the interviewers was really shy so I'd make eye contact with her whenever I felt nervous. One person I asked the pointed questions to because he talked the most and seemed like the person who would make the ultimate decision. And I'd look at the HR manager for reassurance because she always had a smile on her face. It took them four weeks and they still hadn't made a decision. The HR Manager gave me a call and said, "Listen, they are taking too long to make a decision and I don't want to lose you. I've got another position available. It's a one year contract and it's a foot in the door. Would you be interested in interviewing for that?"

She told me about the job, the requirements, which I had in droves and off I went. When I got the job I called Joyce to thank her for being the smiling face in my original interview. "You really helped me to feel comfortable enough for me to show my best side."
"I just knew you'd be a good fit."
I've been at that job now permanently since 2005 after I worked it twice on two separate contracts for my predecessor's mat-leave. It's been a fun job. It's had its challenges but it's been a fun time. I see as part of the experiment of being invited that I was actually invited to that job. And with all that is said about Projectors and the right invitations and being recognized, I see how that was a great fit.

In the recent few years, everything has changed. None of the original people who hired me are there anymore. There is a whole new batch of people and the realization that I haven't been invited. And every time I attempt to make things happen, if I voice my opinions there is resistance. If I ask for anything there is resistance. In Human Design terms it would be called initiating.

So now what? I'm learning that there is an expiry date on invitations. That just because an invitation is perfect at one time it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to last a lifetime. It's time to get silent and wait for the next invitation. And I'm learning how to be comfortable around people who haven't invited me. That means keeping my mouth shut. Even if I have an idea on how to do things a better way, a more efficient way, a different way. With tests, I've watched how my emails are completely ignored. It was upsetting at first but now I see that I don't have to waste a lot of energy in trying to get my views across on deaf ears. Nor feel jarred by resistance.

As part of the experiment, I keep quiet. I stick to my office and do my job and as Bill Cosby would say, "just wait for my name."

A Projector's theme is bitterness. If I continue to bang my head against the wall, initiate, voice my opinions on deaf ears and meet the resistance, my natural progression would be to devolve into bitterness. I admit, I was going there. But I don't love bitterness. It feels crappy. It's exhausting and I have so many other interests. So I'm experimenting with simply being. And noticing energy.

There's a feeling of being invisible when I'm around people who didn't invite me there. It's interesting. I may start to say something and notice that no one is paying attention to me. I'll smile and say to myself, "You've got the invisibility cloak on." And then I'm happily silent. It's been saving me a whole lot of grief.

EY

Invitations

Thursday 8May14 6:16pm

I've been working on putting some of this Human Design information into practice to test out how it all pertains to me. And it can't hurt that's for sure.

I'm finding out interesting information about myself. My type of course is a 'Projector' and my strategy for success is to 'wait for an invitation.'

It's ironic that my strategy is to wait for an invitation because I perfected waiting when I was a child simply because I was always told, "you have to wait: Until I say so, until I'm good and ready, until we have the money, until the sisters get comfortable, until until until..." I perfected waiting but I promised myself that when I grew up I wouldn't have to wait for anything anymore. I did some waiting but I didn't always wait and I suppose it has put me in some sticky situations. So now I'm being guided to wait. Impatient one that I've allowed myself to become.

I've gone to church three weeks in a row to pray for patience amongst other things. ha ha! And this past Saturday I woke to an email from a work acquaintance asking me if I would be interested in meeting for a coffee to discuss possibly working together on a business opportunity. The part of the invitation that made my heart swell was that he said that he's always enjoyed working with me at my part time job because I am friendly, fun to chat with and am a hard worker. I met up with him and we discussed this business opportunity and I left with samples of this product. I was really enthusiastic at first.

A few things came up as I thought about that invitation:
I was enthusiatic, as I said, but I questioned why was I enthusiastic? Was it simply because I'm looking for an escape from the same old same old and I think this is my fastest way to escape? Do I really believe I can get rich quick with this? Oh wait do I even like doing this? One of the things that I promised myself about a year or so ago is that I would stop looking for a job and instead I would create a life. Because the job to job and chasing money hasn't worked for me. Yes I get paid well enough, obviously, I went to Australia. But I wasn't going to jump from what I'm in now into the same old shit just for the sake of moving on.

The invitation was so bang on in recognizing me was it clouding my judgement? I have to laugh because as I've been contemplating everything I even said out loud, "No body would ever expect me to sell makeup or skin care products." I don't wear makeup and I wash my face with Johnson's baby wash and Witch Hazel. I don't have an elaborate cleaning regime. So how am I going to 'sell' when everyone who knows me knows I don't give a crap about that stuff? Can you see the winds changing my enthusiasm with a dose of grounded reality?

And Time! How much time will this take away from what I really do love? As I practiced every thing in my mind, I saw that this was more of a committment than I was willing to make. It won't help me to live more of what I want to live, more time to write and travel. It will have me focused on building a salesforce and clients and well, that's not my thing. How would I feel about this, all this time that I would have to commit to something that doesn't make my heart sing? Well we all know the answer to that, right?

And the final big thing about accepting invitations or not, is that desperate fear that no other invitations will be coming so if I say no to this have I shot myself? Can I afford to turn down this invitation when I am so clearly recognized for who I am? I added a little research to back up my decision, just so I knew that even though I didn't feel this was the right invitation for me, that I put in some sort of effort. I mentioned it to a co-worker at my day job and she told me that her friend in Calgary is doing this same thing and she loves it, LOVES it. She has a facebook page and she sends all her friends all sorts of invitations and has parties... "Yeah, no I don't sell to my friends, so that would never be an option for me."

I spoke to my co-worker at my part-time job about it, he frowned and said, "I told you about this, that's what Liz is selling!" Oh shoot I remember that, it's that? Oh shoot! And he left me with his final words of wisdom, "I'm not trying to stomp on your ideas if this is what you want to do but basically 'product name' should be called how to end your friendships." Then he told me to ask my Armenian brother about it, who I was meeting with the next night. My Armenian brother frowned immediately when I asked him. Okay, that's all I need to know. LOL

So it's interesting. It reminds me that what I said in a previous blog entry was to wait for the gold and not jump for the glitter. Monday night when I was hearing about this opportunity I kept asking myself, 'is this the glitter or the gold?'

I'm glad that it will be a week before I meet up with this business opportunity person again although I'm ready now to give an informed no. It was good to take this opportunity to use these techniques that are recommended in the Human Design: Wait for an invitation; allow the emotional wave of my feelings to calm down so I can feel my feelings alongside my intuition and asking people I trust for advice. And of course questioning my motives for considering this as a yes which is my tendency towards escaping. I can say yes to anything just so long as i can escape.

On the day job front I've noticed that since I've stopped volunteering information on deaf ears and wait until I'm asked, that my work life has been calmer and less frustrating.

I bought a reading for a co-worker who was promoted to another building so I'm looking forward to see if the Human Design has as much of a profound affect on her as it is having on me.

I was going to talk about men in this entry but alas this was a long entry. LOL

EY

P.S. I didn't want to mention the business name because it's not about the business it's about the invitation. Plus I don't want to insult anyone who might do this, love this, thrive on this business...