I got my first passport last year. I've never had a passport before. I've never done any world travelling, although it has always been in the back of my mind. It was just never a consideration for many years, for many reasons. Financial being one of them.
Of course as life would have it, the moment I received my passport my friend who lives in Bermuda told me that she had a friend who was going on vacation for 10 days and needed someone to housesit. Someone who likes cats and I was the first person she thought of. Yes I jumped at the chance to go and it really was a little paradise. Talk about lighting a writer's imagination on fire about moving to an island and writing for the rest of her days. At the very least, I'd like Bermuda to be one of my regular destinations.
The main motivation that got me off my backside and going through the challenges of getting a passport (didn't have a proper birth certificate nor photo id) was my Aussie chum who invited me to come and visit him in Australia. Really it's all the motivation anyone needs. I simply couldn't be the person who passed up this chance. Plus Australia has always been a dream long before I met my buddy. I bought my ticket back in May 2013 and I leave this Wednesday evening.
This morning while I got ready for work in the middle of the shower I exclaimed out loud, "OH MY GOD, I'm going to AUSTRALIA!" ha-ha! Better in the shower than on my walk to work.
At work, I emailed a girlfriend to say that I was so distracted that I kept forgetting what work I was working on. "I'm going to Australia and a Boy called... THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!"
And so there is so much going on in my head and my emotions. I'm trying to learn how to live with happiness. Can you believe that? I realize I'm never shy in anger and I'm used to dealing with the bad things or hard things in life. But the good? How do I move into that reality with comfort and keep it?
It's been an interesting few months because there are these parallel attentions that are so clear cut. There have been the work issues and frustrations, as usual, and there is this good stuff, really good stuff that is happening. It's like I'm skate boarding in traffic and I've got to pick a lane quick. I veer into the lane of frustrations and have to catch myself and remind myself that , "no Shelley, all this other stuff is happening that is wonderful beyond your imagination, put your thoughts back over here and let go of obsessing on that crap."
It's interesting to find this out about myself. I can honestly say that I've worked on getting myself to this current place for at least the last 6 years. And now I'm here and I'm still scared that I could jinx it.
I love Louise Hay's affirmation, "All is well in my world," and I've been saying it as much as possible everyday. I slow my mind down and slow my breath down and remind myself, All is well in my world.
For the first time ever, I feel like my life is making sense. Being at my current job makes sense. Living with my cats and planning my own life with my own beliefs and rituals makes sense. Healing all that I've needed to heal makes sense.
And as always, in keeping with my themes, this year's theme is Love. Actually I BELIEVE it's the theme for this year and beyond.
I love when the writer Nancy Huston talked about people who are single for a fair amount of time, she asked, "where does the love go?"
"It doesn't mean that they don't have any love in their lives or they don't give any love. It's just not seen in the traditional ways."
I love that thought because for all the jokes that people have made about me loving cats or ending up being an old lady living with 30 cats, that's one of the places that I put my love. I love animals. I've loved animals since I was a kid. I will never be embarrassed for loving animals.
I love my friends. I make it as easy as possible for particular friends to say yes to spending time with me. Whether it's taking the subway to their part of the city or going to Australia, that's where I put my love.
I love to write and I've got to find what ways work for me to put my love into my writing. And it may not even have to be being published in the traditional way.
I see the purpose that my job serves, aside from being an arts subsidy (ha-ha!) And there are a lot of aspects that I love about it but if I'm going to be there I've got to commit in different ways. My company has companies around the world. If there was ever a thought of living somewhere else this is the work that could get me there.
And I've met this adorable man. A sweet, gentle guy. And it feels really, really good. And who knows where this is going? And that's an excruciatingly wonderful feeling. You know, the wait is excruciating and the contact makes me grin, right?
And this is my life, that is making sense to me. The wonderful things and people of my choosing and a couple of things (my job and writing) that need to be re-worked. That's life too.
I'm getting to travel and my next big plan to save for is to go to an elephant sanctuary in Thailand to volunteer for a week or more.
So I think I'm becoming conscious of the question I didn't know I'd been asking all along, where do I want to put my love?
EY
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
21 February 2014
03 May 2012
08 June 2011
Mindbloom
Wednesday 8June11
I had a problem solved recently. I've been trying for 2 years, if not longer to do a television fast. You know, stop watching television for say an entire week or month and get shit done. I couldn't manage to find a way to do it. The moment I walked in the house I was clicking on the TV and had it on Bravo for Law and Order. How many times do you need to see the same episodes? Then it was some other show and another. That 3 hours a night I could have been getting stuff done, like say, writing a novel.
I was mad at myself everyday for being so weak and just not keeping my promise to myself.
And then a friend sent me an invitation to Mindbloom. I was bitter at first. Why are people always sending invitations to some kind of social something? Jeez, I'm facebook, I'm on plurk. I've got 5 email addresses and I spend so much time keeping up with those things it's any wonder I leave the house. Any how I checked it out.
It's a wonderful tree of your goals each branch is a specific area of your life and you start with 3 branches and create actions for those areas and you get seeds for keeping those actions. It's beautiful, it's visual and it's fun to keep track of your goals. The best part is because it costs you seeds to add an action, you really have to think about the most important actions you want to take. And as you go along, you make reasonable goals.
Well since I've been keeping track of my goals and actions on mindbloom, I've been so busy working on what I love that I have had no need to turn on the television. And my tree is looking mighty fine. And it all feeds into my chant, I want to feel good. I think if you click the title to this blog entry it will bring you to tree.mindbloom.com
Oh and as an aside on the man front. The gorgeous guy I'd about given up on has reached out, so he's not totally written off. Phew! I do really like him and I'm mindful that we both need to be choosing each other. I need to make him feel good and he needs to make me feel good if we're ever going anywhere with this very fascinating and exhilarating beginning.
EY
I had a problem solved recently. I've been trying for 2 years, if not longer to do a television fast. You know, stop watching television for say an entire week or month and get shit done. I couldn't manage to find a way to do it. The moment I walked in the house I was clicking on the TV and had it on Bravo for Law and Order. How many times do you need to see the same episodes? Then it was some other show and another. That 3 hours a night I could have been getting stuff done, like say, writing a novel.
I was mad at myself everyday for being so weak and just not keeping my promise to myself.
And then a friend sent me an invitation to Mindbloom. I was bitter at first. Why are people always sending invitations to some kind of social something? Jeez, I'm facebook, I'm on plurk. I've got 5 email addresses and I spend so much time keeping up with those things it's any wonder I leave the house. Any how I checked it out.
It's a wonderful tree of your goals each branch is a specific area of your life and you start with 3 branches and create actions for those areas and you get seeds for keeping those actions. It's beautiful, it's visual and it's fun to keep track of your goals. The best part is because it costs you seeds to add an action, you really have to think about the most important actions you want to take. And as you go along, you make reasonable goals.
Well since I've been keeping track of my goals and actions on mindbloom, I've been so busy working on what I love that I have had no need to turn on the television. And my tree is looking mighty fine. And it all feeds into my chant, I want to feel good. I think if you click the title to this blog entry it will bring you to tree.mindbloom.com
Oh and as an aside on the man front. The gorgeous guy I'd about given up on has reached out, so he's not totally written off. Phew! I do really like him and I'm mindful that we both need to be choosing each other. I need to make him feel good and he needs to make me feel good if we're ever going anywhere with this very fascinating and exhilarating beginning.
EY
05 June 2011
Clearing Old Energy
5June11 Sunday
"Oh Man, the universe had to send me the most attractive, intoxicating guy for me to say no to in order for me to clear the old energy. It's not a learned lesson without a certain level of difficulty." My journal entry from 1June11.
Yep, I'm feeling the tests of the universe, that is for sure. It's always that way, when you say you want to stand for something, like wanting to feel good, the Universe will send you these curves to see how fully committed you are to your new stance. My latest test has been the most adorably gentle, intoxicating man I have ever met. I swear when I'm near him the aliens abduct my brain that is how intoxicated I get from him.
But something isn't quite right. I've been going to his work for 3 years. I never even realized he noticed me other than being a customer. And it's within the last couple months that there has been a decided difference. I won't get into the nitty gritty but he has come across as being very happy with me doing all the showing up. He has been wonderful when ever I see him. He makes me feel like he's happy to see me. He intoxicates me. But any kind of "outside of work" contact has been nil. Non-responsive to the couple emails I've sent him, no moves for my phone number. etc, etc. Everything feels so public all the time with no real moves for one on one. Warning signs?
In keeping with my new boundaries of how I want to be guided in my life, it doesn't make me feel good. I am filled with anxieties about him with all those questions that come up like, "When is he going to ask me out? When is he going to ask me for my phone number? Is he ever going to make a substantial move?"
Always when I leave I walk as I call it the "depression walk". Because I know it will be yet another week that I will have to wait. Now don't get me wrong, I do love a man who takes his time and doesn't rush things but getting to know each other on a one on one basis doesn't fall into rushing things it falls into moving things forward.
It's interesting though because his presence has helped me to adjust some of my daily affirmations.
I've been through this too many times to count. I've been the woman who shows up and shows up and wonders all the questions above and eventually watches as the guy ends up with someone else. Ironically, the movie that was playing last night was, "He's just not that into you." Message? I think so. It's so easy to make excuses for people who don't quite choose me. Oh he's an, "Out of sight, out of mind" kind of person so I just have to make myself MORE available. Or he's shy so I'll have to take the reigns. Well, what I've been told by many men over the years is that even the shy ones find a way to ask a woman they like out.
It's funny how male/female interests can bring up so many family issues. I don't keep in touch with any of my family like I used to, after my mom died, because I realized one day that if I didn't call, they wouldn't call. It was hard to see that the only reason why a relationship was maintained was because I maintained it. Right, right... that was what ultimately fed into my bout of depression so many years ago. Interesting!
So I analyze this situation and I feel like I'm doing an awful lot of chasing for great feelings at the time but then when I walk away I feel like shit.
In my return email to my ex that I mentioned in the previous blog entry, I told him that one of my latest affirmations is I no longer need to attract this into my life (whatever 'this' is). And the sweetface intoxicator is helping me to add more of what I no longer need to attract into my life.
I no longer need to attract the feeling of being lonely in a love relationship again.
I no longer need to attract a man who makes me wait needlessly.
I want a man, I want people who choose me. Plain and simple. They don't have to be up my ass, but I know which people choose me and I certainly know when a man chooses me. And if there are bad childhood feelings that come up, clearly there are things I have to work on and I can only work on them the best way I can. But chasing after people who are not available for me for whatever reason breeds desperation and the question, "What's wrong with me?"
What's wrong with me that he doesn't call? What's wrong with me that I have to do all the work? And all the myriad of questions that can come up. There's nothing wrong with me. I am more than enough.
He is just not that into me. He doesn't choose me and in order to feel good, I can't choose him.
EY
"Oh Man, the universe had to send me the most attractive, intoxicating guy for me to say no to in order for me to clear the old energy. It's not a learned lesson without a certain level of difficulty." My journal entry from 1June11.
Yep, I'm feeling the tests of the universe, that is for sure. It's always that way, when you say you want to stand for something, like wanting to feel good, the Universe will send you these curves to see how fully committed you are to your new stance. My latest test has been the most adorably gentle, intoxicating man I have ever met. I swear when I'm near him the aliens abduct my brain that is how intoxicated I get from him.
But something isn't quite right. I've been going to his work for 3 years. I never even realized he noticed me other than being a customer. And it's within the last couple months that there has been a decided difference. I won't get into the nitty gritty but he has come across as being very happy with me doing all the showing up. He has been wonderful when ever I see him. He makes me feel like he's happy to see me. He intoxicates me. But any kind of "outside of work" contact has been nil. Non-responsive to the couple emails I've sent him, no moves for my phone number. etc, etc. Everything feels so public all the time with no real moves for one on one. Warning signs?
In keeping with my new boundaries of how I want to be guided in my life, it doesn't make me feel good. I am filled with anxieties about him with all those questions that come up like, "When is he going to ask me out? When is he going to ask me for my phone number? Is he ever going to make a substantial move?"
Always when I leave I walk as I call it the "depression walk". Because I know it will be yet another week that I will have to wait. Now don't get me wrong, I do love a man who takes his time and doesn't rush things but getting to know each other on a one on one basis doesn't fall into rushing things it falls into moving things forward.
It's interesting though because his presence has helped me to adjust some of my daily affirmations.
I've been through this too many times to count. I've been the woman who shows up and shows up and wonders all the questions above and eventually watches as the guy ends up with someone else. Ironically, the movie that was playing last night was, "He's just not that into you." Message? I think so. It's so easy to make excuses for people who don't quite choose me. Oh he's an, "Out of sight, out of mind" kind of person so I just have to make myself MORE available. Or he's shy so I'll have to take the reigns. Well, what I've been told by many men over the years is that even the shy ones find a way to ask a woman they like out.
It's funny how male/female interests can bring up so many family issues. I don't keep in touch with any of my family like I used to, after my mom died, because I realized one day that if I didn't call, they wouldn't call. It was hard to see that the only reason why a relationship was maintained was because I maintained it. Right, right... that was what ultimately fed into my bout of depression so many years ago. Interesting!
So I analyze this situation and I feel like I'm doing an awful lot of chasing for great feelings at the time but then when I walk away I feel like shit.
In my return email to my ex that I mentioned in the previous blog entry, I told him that one of my latest affirmations is I no longer need to attract this into my life (whatever 'this' is). And the sweetface intoxicator is helping me to add more of what I no longer need to attract into my life.
I no longer need to attract the feeling of being lonely in a love relationship again.
I no longer need to attract a man who makes me wait needlessly.
I want a man, I want people who choose me. Plain and simple. They don't have to be up my ass, but I know which people choose me and I certainly know when a man chooses me. And if there are bad childhood feelings that come up, clearly there are things I have to work on and I can only work on them the best way I can. But chasing after people who are not available for me for whatever reason breeds desperation and the question, "What's wrong with me?"
What's wrong with me that he doesn't call? What's wrong with me that I have to do all the work? And all the myriad of questions that can come up. There's nothing wrong with me. I am more than enough.
He is just not that into me. He doesn't choose me and in order to feel good, I can't choose him.
EY
05 November 2008
Yes We Can!
Wednesday 6:54pm 5Nov08
Dreaming the impossible has been blown wide open in the last 24 hours. Blown wide open.
All the dreams we've been told that we couldn't have or should change, all the dreams that we hoped our own children wouldn't have to avoid the hurt and the pain ... everything has changed now. All the mixed race children who have felt like they've had to deny one side of themselves just to make life easier. All the mixed race children who have hated something within themselves and have felt the confusion are given another bigger and better option embracing all of who they are.
And just like that old commercial where she tells two friends and they tell two friends and so on and so on, all the possibilities expand out into infinity from race to politics to history to imagining positive changes in our world.
What an exciting time it is now in the United States. What an exciting time that so many of us had hoped for since Sept 11, 2001 when the United States had the world's attention and love and sorrow and people were helping strangers and volunteering to lend a helping hand and hug. 9/11 showed us and reminded us that in a crisis the best qualities of people come to the forefront, deep inside all of us lives good.
I didn't cry last night as I watched the election results. I didn't cry when Barack Obama came out and gave his victory speech. I stood in front of the television and I watched and listened in awe. I nodded my head each time he said Yes we can and I bathed in all the possibilities of that little phrase.
Yes we can dream big and set unreasonable goals because they are only unreasonable until we realize them. Yes we can be the ones to live in possibility, to try something different than what we've always done that hasn't been working. Yes we can think of what community means to us and create it and help others and share with each other. Out of many we are one.
I want to embrace these hopeful enthusiastic feelings on a daily basis. I want to believe that we can heal our troubled world. I want to imagine that we are approaching a higher level of living with each other where our first choice is to show our best qualities that we automatically show in a 9/11 type crisis. Because it is human nature. If we have it in us during a crisis, we can live it without a crisis. It sounds unreasonable doesn't it? But it's only unreasonable until we realize it and if we all focused on our possibilities step by step, minute by minute, person to person... well just Imagine.
Just imagine that we can. Oh Yes we can
Shelley-Lynne Domingue
Dreaming the impossible has been blown wide open in the last 24 hours. Blown wide open.
All the dreams we've been told that we couldn't have or should change, all the dreams that we hoped our own children wouldn't have to avoid the hurt and the pain ... everything has changed now. All the mixed race children who have felt like they've had to deny one side of themselves just to make life easier. All the mixed race children who have hated something within themselves and have felt the confusion are given another bigger and better option embracing all of who they are.
And just like that old commercial where she tells two friends and they tell two friends and so on and so on, all the possibilities expand out into infinity from race to politics to history to imagining positive changes in our world.
What an exciting time it is now in the United States. What an exciting time that so many of us had hoped for since Sept 11, 2001 when the United States had the world's attention and love and sorrow and people were helping strangers and volunteering to lend a helping hand and hug. 9/11 showed us and reminded us that in a crisis the best qualities of people come to the forefront, deep inside all of us lives good.
I didn't cry last night as I watched the election results. I didn't cry when Barack Obama came out and gave his victory speech. I stood in front of the television and I watched and listened in awe. I nodded my head each time he said Yes we can and I bathed in all the possibilities of that little phrase.
Yes we can dream big and set unreasonable goals because they are only unreasonable until we realize them. Yes we can be the ones to live in possibility, to try something different than what we've always done that hasn't been working. Yes we can think of what community means to us and create it and help others and share with each other. Out of many we are one.
I want to embrace these hopeful enthusiastic feelings on a daily basis. I want to believe that we can heal our troubled world. I want to imagine that we are approaching a higher level of living with each other where our first choice is to show our best qualities that we automatically show in a 9/11 type crisis. Because it is human nature. If we have it in us during a crisis, we can live it without a crisis. It sounds unreasonable doesn't it? But it's only unreasonable until we realize it and if we all focused on our possibilities step by step, minute by minute, person to person... well just Imagine.
Just imagine that we can. Oh Yes we can
Shelley-Lynne Domingue
16 June 2008
We are all Teachers
Monday 8:27pmn 16June08
"I love you and I do what I feel is intelligent and kind and it may not match your request, but as a loving human being those are going to be my standards. I'm not going to sell my soul out, my life out, my self love and respect out to please another human being. That makes me a terrible teacher. We're all teachers and we teach through the way that we live. There's no teaching more powerful than that. If I live a lie, I teach a lie. I teach it to others and I teach it to myself. " Byron Katie
I decided to listen to another podcast while I was eating my dinner and taking a break from writing. I chose to listen to an episode of Conversations with Masters who is hosted by Life Coach, Mary Allen. Holy Cow! I think I found something to replace television once and for all! Of course that's because I decided to listen to Byron Katie first.
I've mentioned her once before in a previous post and everytime I read something about her work or listen to her doing her work, my brain clicks right into it and I have these great AHA moments! On the podcast episode which was from 2007 she talks to a woman who is having disagreements with her mother, as daughters will do, and Byron Katie discusses stuff about love. The above quote is part of the discussion.
How many times have we been convinced to do something we don't want to do, in the name of loving someone? How many times have we spoken up and said, "I don't want to do this," and the person understands or doesn't understand and we've chosen what we wanted, not what they wanted? I've done it but only after years of doing what the other person wants. I admit to it, I've been a people pleaser when it comes to people I love. But all I did was teach them how to disregard what I wanted (because if you guilt trip me enough, I'll give in) and push until they got what they wanted. Wow! Did I really type that? It's what fed into my depression so I might as well be honest about it and stare it down. It was the depression that ultimately made me less of a people pleaser with friends, family and ultimately the men that have come into my life and are continuing to come into my life.
Of course I've mentioned it here about a zillion times but spending Christmas on my own was a big challenge of not hurting anyone's feelings but ultimately it became about me being happy. It is a big example for me because it was such a hard road of accepting invitations out of gratitude and loving my friends and yet never being happy on the day. And more recently my best-friend in Montreal mentioned that I'd need to spend another Christmas with he and his family and when I'd explained that I love spending it on my own he said, "But you can't spend EVERY Christmas alone!" Yes! I can! Until I don't want to anymore.
Byron Katie gives this great example about her new husband telling her several years ago that, despite her having three grown kids and grandkids, he had never been around kids and he wasn't particularly interested in going to family reunions. She said she loved him for being honest, loving and kind. He didn't tell her that she couldn't go, he told her that he wasn't interested in going. So she planned reunions without her husband. She enjoyed the time she had to focus more on her children. She didn't focus on her husband who wasn't interested in being there for that event. It was fabulous if he went or fabulous if he didn't go. A few years later he decided that he was ready and told her, "I'd like to go to the family reunion."
Could you imagine? She describes him as, "an honest human being who knows what he wants and has a willingness to change it, but in his own time."
It's like having best girlfriends who meet the big significant other and then insist that the only time you get to spend with them is with the significant other in tow. You don't always want to do that even if you like the guy. But that kind of honesty can often alter a friendship forever but it could be because so many of us have the attitude that love means, "if you love me, you'll do what I want." That's not love.
I can do what you want for a long time, sometimes years, but eventually I will leave you and so abruptly that you can't figure out where the heck that came from. What happened? Where did she go? Where did I go indeed...
I've been trying my darndest to keep myself being myself as I get to know this man that I find attractive. As I may have mentioned before I often turn interests into plain friendships but if the truth be known with this one, I saw him first and continue to see him as a very attractive man. Friendship, Schmenship! Wow! I typed that too! I've become the giddy girl with giddy girl breathless excitement when he comes around. I repeat friendship, schmenship...
I'm happy to say that despite the giddy girl behaviour that I have been myself. I've used swear words in my discussions. I've said my wacky ideas that come to my head. I've complained about things. I've been honest about aspects of my situation/ environment... And attractive giddy girl inducing man will either like me or not and that's fabulous. Because if he decides he's not interested he won't be interested in me, not some girl that I thought he would be attracted to.
And when I see him again each day, as I do, I will keep more of Byron Katie's words in my head:
"We meet someone and then we turn into the person we think they want us to be. We say what we think they want to hear. We do what we think they want us to do. We become puppets, a facade. We become who we think they want us to be and we haven't even included them in it. We haven't asked them is this what you want. We just assume. Eventually when they do care for us or love us, or tell us that they love us, we don't believe them because they love someone that doesn't exist and we know that. Winning someone's love cannot be done. I cannot manipulate you into loving me."
EY
"I love you and I do what I feel is intelligent and kind and it may not match your request, but as a loving human being those are going to be my standards. I'm not going to sell my soul out, my life out, my self love and respect out to please another human being. That makes me a terrible teacher. We're all teachers and we teach through the way that we live. There's no teaching more powerful than that. If I live a lie, I teach a lie. I teach it to others and I teach it to myself. " Byron Katie
I decided to listen to another podcast while I was eating my dinner and taking a break from writing. I chose to listen to an episode of Conversations with Masters who is hosted by Life Coach, Mary Allen. Holy Cow! I think I found something to replace television once and for all! Of course that's because I decided to listen to Byron Katie first.
I've mentioned her once before in a previous post and everytime I read something about her work or listen to her doing her work, my brain clicks right into it and I have these great AHA moments! On the podcast episode which was from 2007 she talks to a woman who is having disagreements with her mother, as daughters will do, and Byron Katie discusses stuff about love. The above quote is part of the discussion.
How many times have we been convinced to do something we don't want to do, in the name of loving someone? How many times have we spoken up and said, "I don't want to do this," and the person understands or doesn't understand and we've chosen what we wanted, not what they wanted? I've done it but only after years of doing what the other person wants. I admit to it, I've been a people pleaser when it comes to people I love. But all I did was teach them how to disregard what I wanted (because if you guilt trip me enough, I'll give in) and push until they got what they wanted. Wow! Did I really type that? It's what fed into my depression so I might as well be honest about it and stare it down. It was the depression that ultimately made me less of a people pleaser with friends, family and ultimately the men that have come into my life and are continuing to come into my life.
Of course I've mentioned it here about a zillion times but spending Christmas on my own was a big challenge of not hurting anyone's feelings but ultimately it became about me being happy. It is a big example for me because it was such a hard road of accepting invitations out of gratitude and loving my friends and yet never being happy on the day. And more recently my best-friend in Montreal mentioned that I'd need to spend another Christmas with he and his family and when I'd explained that I love spending it on my own he said, "But you can't spend EVERY Christmas alone!" Yes! I can! Until I don't want to anymore.
Byron Katie gives this great example about her new husband telling her several years ago that, despite her having three grown kids and grandkids, he had never been around kids and he wasn't particularly interested in going to family reunions. She said she loved him for being honest, loving and kind. He didn't tell her that she couldn't go, he told her that he wasn't interested in going. So she planned reunions without her husband. She enjoyed the time she had to focus more on her children. She didn't focus on her husband who wasn't interested in being there for that event. It was fabulous if he went or fabulous if he didn't go. A few years later he decided that he was ready and told her, "I'd like to go to the family reunion."
Could you imagine? She describes him as, "an honest human being who knows what he wants and has a willingness to change it, but in his own time."
It's like having best girlfriends who meet the big significant other and then insist that the only time you get to spend with them is with the significant other in tow. You don't always want to do that even if you like the guy. But that kind of honesty can often alter a friendship forever but it could be because so many of us have the attitude that love means, "if you love me, you'll do what I want." That's not love.
I can do what you want for a long time, sometimes years, but eventually I will leave you and so abruptly that you can't figure out where the heck that came from. What happened? Where did she go? Where did I go indeed...
I've been trying my darndest to keep myself being myself as I get to know this man that I find attractive. As I may have mentioned before I often turn interests into plain friendships but if the truth be known with this one, I saw him first and continue to see him as a very attractive man. Friendship, Schmenship! Wow! I typed that too! I've become the giddy girl with giddy girl breathless excitement when he comes around. I repeat friendship, schmenship...
I'm happy to say that despite the giddy girl behaviour that I have been myself. I've used swear words in my discussions. I've said my wacky ideas that come to my head. I've complained about things. I've been honest about aspects of my situation/ environment... And attractive giddy girl inducing man will either like me or not and that's fabulous. Because if he decides he's not interested he won't be interested in me, not some girl that I thought he would be attracted to.
And when I see him again each day, as I do, I will keep more of Byron Katie's words in my head:
"We meet someone and then we turn into the person we think they want us to be. We say what we think they want to hear. We do what we think they want us to do. We become puppets, a facade. We become who we think they want us to be and we haven't even included them in it. We haven't asked them is this what you want. We just assume. Eventually when they do care for us or love us, or tell us that they love us, we don't believe them because they love someone that doesn't exist and we know that. Winning someone's love cannot be done. I cannot manipulate you into loving me."
EY
04 May 2008
The Great Gatsby
Sunday 12:51pm 4May08
After my prisoner of expectations moment this week, I walked home Thursday after work and decided to go into the vet to see the kitten in the window. Sometimes a cat lover needs to tease herself. Can you feel it coming? ha ha!
The workers were all very friendly, got me behind closed doors to see the kitten and informed me that she wasn't the only kitten they had. Kitten in the window is a black kitten with white feet. The other two kittens, also girls, were all black. I was phewing all over the place because, if the truth be known, I want a boy cat. I already have three girls. Isaac says, "we have one more kitten. We keep HIM separated because he has the sniffles and is on antibiotics." Jessica returns with Isaac to tell me that itsy bitsy boy had rough beginnings and almost died twice but he's doing fine and he purrs the moment you touch him and he's really affectionate and we all just love him! He is 10 weeks old and is the size of a 3 or 4 week kitten. He's got the big forehead and expressive eyes much like Yoda, what all the staff have been calling him. Yoda is the spitting image of kitten in the window.
I say, "I'm all about rough beginnings!"
Jessica says, "Then he's your guy!"
Yes. I inherited my mother's love of the runt of the litter. I like to fill a need when there is a problem. My heart opens wide when someone is in crisis. But that is the height of being human isn't it? When that news story hits of major misfortune whether it's September 11th or Hurricane Katrina, or an innocent bystander walking down the street and accidentally being shot and killed and leaving his child fatherless. Or that little girl abandoned in the stairwell during the winter of which many famillies wanted to adopt. Heck, I wanted to adopt her. With the worst stories we all really step up to the plate to help out in what ever way we can.
So yes, what I'm saying is I've adopted itsy bitsy male kitten. He almost died twice and he wheezes when he breathes and he's the size of one of my hands and he's still on antibiotics (supplied for free from the vet). And since he's such a little guy with poor beginnings I name him Gatsby, after F. Scott Fitzgerald's character and the name goes nicely with Zelda, my two year old, named after F. Scott's wife. The big cats are all pretty bitter as what happens in the beginning. Zelda is too busy running away scared to really check the mini man out. Picasso and Quincy spit at him and spit at eachother and spit at a fluff of dust. But they're not giving up their positions on the bed although they give me dirty looks when I bring Gatsby up to cuddle.
When I went to pick him up yesterday, just about every staff member came out to check me out and say good bye to their favorite rescue and beg me to bring him in for a visit. Last night I chose a birthdate for him, counting back ten weeks from the day I met him since they weren't sure of his actual birthdate. Although I will ask again just to be sure. Ten weeks ago was still in Pisces and around my birthday. haha. So his chosen by me birthdate is Feb 28th. And he's a leap year baby like me.
What is more exciting than watching a baby something? What is better than to nurture and love?
EY
After my prisoner of expectations moment this week, I walked home Thursday after work and decided to go into the vet to see the kitten in the window. Sometimes a cat lover needs to tease herself. Can you feel it coming? ha ha!
The workers were all very friendly, got me behind closed doors to see the kitten and informed me that she wasn't the only kitten they had. Kitten in the window is a black kitten with white feet. The other two kittens, also girls, were all black. I was phewing all over the place because, if the truth be known, I want a boy cat. I already have three girls. Isaac says, "we have one more kitten. We keep HIM separated because he has the sniffles and is on antibiotics." Jessica returns with Isaac to tell me that itsy bitsy boy had rough beginnings and almost died twice but he's doing fine and he purrs the moment you touch him and he's really affectionate and we all just love him! He is 10 weeks old and is the size of a 3 or 4 week kitten. He's got the big forehead and expressive eyes much like Yoda, what all the staff have been calling him. Yoda is the spitting image of kitten in the window.
I say, "I'm all about rough beginnings!"
Jessica says, "Then he's your guy!"
Yes. I inherited my mother's love of the runt of the litter. I like to fill a need when there is a problem. My heart opens wide when someone is in crisis. But that is the height of being human isn't it? When that news story hits of major misfortune whether it's September 11th or Hurricane Katrina, or an innocent bystander walking down the street and accidentally being shot and killed and leaving his child fatherless. Or that little girl abandoned in the stairwell during the winter of which many famillies wanted to adopt. Heck, I wanted to adopt her. With the worst stories we all really step up to the plate to help out in what ever way we can.
So yes, what I'm saying is I've adopted itsy bitsy male kitten. He almost died twice and he wheezes when he breathes and he's the size of one of my hands and he's still on antibiotics (supplied for free from the vet). And since he's such a little guy with poor beginnings I name him Gatsby, after F. Scott Fitzgerald's character and the name goes nicely with Zelda, my two year old, named after F. Scott's wife. The big cats are all pretty bitter as what happens in the beginning. Zelda is too busy running away scared to really check the mini man out. Picasso and Quincy spit at him and spit at eachother and spit at a fluff of dust. But they're not giving up their positions on the bed although they give me dirty looks when I bring Gatsby up to cuddle.
When I went to pick him up yesterday, just about every staff member came out to check me out and say good bye to their favorite rescue and beg me to bring him in for a visit. Last night I chose a birthdate for him, counting back ten weeks from the day I met him since they weren't sure of his actual birthdate. Although I will ask again just to be sure. Ten weeks ago was still in Pisces and around my birthday. haha. So his chosen by me birthdate is Feb 28th. And he's a leap year baby like me.
What is more exciting than watching a baby something? What is better than to nurture and love?
EY
20 January 2008
Podcasts - My New Addiction
Sunday 20Jan08 12:31pm
I inadvertently caught on to Podcasts by watching Creflo Dollar's message. I sometimes go looking for his show on television first thing in the morning simply to start the day with something positive in my mind. At the end of one show I noticed that he had podcasts available through Itunes.
"Hmm, I should check that out then I won't have to flip around on the television trying to find his show."
Don't I go to the podcast section and find out that, 1) Podcasts are free! and 2) There is a boatload of them!
Jumpin' Jehosephat! Ha ha! So I proceeded to download way too many podcasts of all types and now I need to actually listen to them.
The one I am currently listening to is " A New Love Movement." In the episode, he is listing off the 50 Life Lessons/ Rules.
I post the rules and the link to the blog (click the title) for anyone who is interested...
EY
http://community.livejournal.com/a_love_movement/
50 Life Lessons/Rules
The following is by Regina Brett The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God
never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get
busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one
is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no
for an answer.
21 Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years,
will this matter?"
27. Always choose life, not suicide.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends
will. Stay in touch.
33. BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.
34 God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did
or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats th e alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,
we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46 No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
I inadvertently caught on to Podcasts by watching Creflo Dollar's message. I sometimes go looking for his show on television first thing in the morning simply to start the day with something positive in my mind. At the end of one show I noticed that he had podcasts available through Itunes.
"Hmm, I should check that out then I won't have to flip around on the television trying to find his show."
Don't I go to the podcast section and find out that, 1) Podcasts are free! and 2) There is a boatload of them!
Jumpin' Jehosephat! Ha ha! So I proceeded to download way too many podcasts of all types and now I need to actually listen to them.
The one I am currently listening to is " A New Love Movement." In the episode, he is listing off the 50 Life Lessons/ Rules.
I post the rules and the link to the blog (click the title) for anyone who is interested...
EY
http://community.livejournal.com/a_love_movement/
50 Life Lessons/Rules
The following is by Regina Brett The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God
never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get
busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one
is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no
for an answer.
21 Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years,
will this matter?"
27. Always choose life, not suicide.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends
will. Stay in touch.
33. BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.
34 God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did
or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats th e alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,
we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46 No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
11 August 2007
You Can Tell (Entry from W2L blog)
Saturday 10:34am 11Aug07
You can tell when my blogging time gets to be a bit too much for me because it starts to get a little too journaly. I find that I do go through cycles where I'm writing entries that I could have just put in my journal instead of on line. It's good to notice those cycles though. And even better not to beat myself up for them. It is just a cycle and eventually I'll move on to the next one.
I'm moving into hibernation mode a tad early this year. For my five days off I stayed close to home and now, with a few friend's show to see this weekend, I again want to stay close to home. There is a level of anticipation though with my early hibernation mode. The anticipation for that all consuming focus that's just around the corner. I feel an inner shift that I can't quite describe but I'm getting quiet. Maybe it's the voices, you know the ones, that tell you what you could do next. Or remind you of what you want. Or get you to sit still and meditate and connect with the magic in the air. Those voices.
Plus I notice that I've been feeling under the weather far more frequently than normal. Of course it's my body's way of telling me to slow down. Get in touch. Be silent. Listen. If I'm quiet enough, the answers will tumble out of me or toward me or something.
I've got books piled up around the apartment. Books I want to read. Books I want to study. Books that remind me of that passion that blocks out the junk of life, like the power struggles. That passion that steps me outside of the woulda, coulda, shoulda's and into the now and what there is that is good. There is a lot that is good.
I'm feeling nervous about the fall television line up because I don't actually want to tape anything this season. Or not much, anyhow. I'm nervous because, even though I dropped a lot of shows last year compared to the year before, I'm feeling not antagonistic but it's like the television is coming to an end for me. Or more aptly, it needs to.
That's it! The early hibernation mode and the inner voices that are getting louder, and the funny feelings toward the television are all about the question, what am I willing to give up in order to realize my dreams? And it brings me to the simplest realization that it's about change, it's time to make some changes in my life, again. And not a moment too soon either, tomorrow is the new moon, a prime opportunity to start anew.
It's time to make changes and it's time to listen. Sweep away the distractions that seem like a good idea at the time. Listen to my body and slow down. Ask myself , again and again, "what do I want? How do I feel? Where do I want to go?"
My friend Jojo and I discussed her current situation, last week. For the first time, for as long as I've known her, she talked about moving back to her home town. I didn't say that I would miss her tremendously. I didn't say, don't worry everything will work out and you won't have to go home. I didn't say anything that might sway her to consider staying in Toronto. I told her, "you have to do what is the best for you. What is going to soothe your heart? What is going to make you feel better about your life?"
Now, most of my friends would say, 'that's you Shelley, that's the kind of advice you give all of us.' As if it's an easy thing for me to do. On the contrary, inside I'm thinking, 'how am I going to survive not having access to this person in my day to day life?' What the fuck am I going to do?
But over the last few days, with the guilt tripping I often do when I don't have the energy to be the all giving supporter, it's slowly dawning on me. I also have to do what is best for me. What is going to soothe my life? What is going to make me feel better? So I miss a few friend's shows this go round. If I'm the friend that gives that kind of advice to everyone, I need to give it to myself as well.
I'm not the person that I used to be, who dropped everything for everyone. Or who shows up for every single performance and every single reading and party and function. But that is still a big aspect of who I am to people. I like to support people, for sure, but I need to feel free to give myself permission to support myself first.
And the people that I give my support to wholeheartedly will have to understand that in return. And I really have to learn how to stop guilt tripping myself about it, when I don't have it to give. That's the big one.
EY
You can tell when my blogging time gets to be a bit too much for me because it starts to get a little too journaly. I find that I do go through cycles where I'm writing entries that I could have just put in my journal instead of on line. It's good to notice those cycles though. And even better not to beat myself up for them. It is just a cycle and eventually I'll move on to the next one.
I'm moving into hibernation mode a tad early this year. For my five days off I stayed close to home and now, with a few friend's show to see this weekend, I again want to stay close to home. There is a level of anticipation though with my early hibernation mode. The anticipation for that all consuming focus that's just around the corner. I feel an inner shift that I can't quite describe but I'm getting quiet. Maybe it's the voices, you know the ones, that tell you what you could do next. Or remind you of what you want. Or get you to sit still and meditate and connect with the magic in the air. Those voices.
Plus I notice that I've been feeling under the weather far more frequently than normal. Of course it's my body's way of telling me to slow down. Get in touch. Be silent. Listen. If I'm quiet enough, the answers will tumble out of me or toward me or something.
I've got books piled up around the apartment. Books I want to read. Books I want to study. Books that remind me of that passion that blocks out the junk of life, like the power struggles. That passion that steps me outside of the woulda, coulda, shoulda's and into the now and what there is that is good. There is a lot that is good.
I'm feeling nervous about the fall television line up because I don't actually want to tape anything this season. Or not much, anyhow. I'm nervous because, even though I dropped a lot of shows last year compared to the year before, I'm feeling not antagonistic but it's like the television is coming to an end for me. Or more aptly, it needs to.
That's it! The early hibernation mode and the inner voices that are getting louder, and the funny feelings toward the television are all about the question, what am I willing to give up in order to realize my dreams? And it brings me to the simplest realization that it's about change, it's time to make some changes in my life, again. And not a moment too soon either, tomorrow is the new moon, a prime opportunity to start anew.
It's time to make changes and it's time to listen. Sweep away the distractions that seem like a good idea at the time. Listen to my body and slow down. Ask myself , again and again, "what do I want? How do I feel? Where do I want to go?"
My friend Jojo and I discussed her current situation, last week. For the first time, for as long as I've known her, she talked about moving back to her home town. I didn't say that I would miss her tremendously. I didn't say, don't worry everything will work out and you won't have to go home. I didn't say anything that might sway her to consider staying in Toronto. I told her, "you have to do what is the best for you. What is going to soothe your heart? What is going to make you feel better about your life?"
Now, most of my friends would say, 'that's you Shelley, that's the kind of advice you give all of us.' As if it's an easy thing for me to do. On the contrary, inside I'm thinking, 'how am I going to survive not having access to this person in my day to day life?' What the fuck am I going to do?
But over the last few days, with the guilt tripping I often do when I don't have the energy to be the all giving supporter, it's slowly dawning on me. I also have to do what is best for me. What is going to soothe my life? What is going to make me feel better? So I miss a few friend's shows this go round. If I'm the friend that gives that kind of advice to everyone, I need to give it to myself as well.
I'm not the person that I used to be, who dropped everything for everyone. Or who shows up for every single performance and every single reading and party and function. But that is still a big aspect of who I am to people. I like to support people, for sure, but I need to feel free to give myself permission to support myself first.
And the people that I give my support to wholeheartedly will have to understand that in return. And I really have to learn how to stop guilt tripping myself about it, when I don't have it to give. That's the big one.
EY
05 July 2007
A Religious Experience
Thursday 8:39pm
I was on my lunch sitting outside the tower, eating my yellow peppers and mini carrots and drinking my beet juice. I've been reading Marianne Williamson's book a Return to Love. I'm sitting there quite enjoying the greyness of the day with the nice cool breeze. I was also enjoying the book.
I'd read a little and think about what I'd just read... "if you go deeply enough into your mind, and deeply enough into mine, we have the same mind. The concept of a divine, or "Christ" mind, is the idea that, at our core, we are not just identical, but actually the same being. 'There is only one begotten Son' doesn't mean that someone else was it, and we're not. It means we're all it. There's only one of us here."
I sat and thought about that. Imagine that person that just walked by is me. Imagine that my co worker who works my last nerve is me. It's not like it's something new, I've heard this before but how, if I chose to, could I inhabit that with acceptance?
I read some more: "I accept the Christ within" means, "I accept the beauty within me as who I really am. I am not my weakness. I am not my anger. I am not my small mindedness. I am much, much more. And I am willing to be reminded of who I really am."
And
"our entire network of fearful perceptions, all stemming from that first false belief in our separation from God and one another, is called the ego."
And finally
"remember, there's only one of us here: What we give to others, we give to ourselves. What we withhold from others, we withhold from ourselves. In any moment when we choose fear instead of love, we deny ourselves the experience of Paradise. To the extent that we abandon love, to that extent we will feel it has abandoned us."
I sat and thought about that. How might I put these ideas into practice? How might I make use of them in one of my novels?
I got to the section on the Holy Spirit and read this wee quote, "The Holy Spirit is the call to awaken and be glad."
I looked across the street, then looked between the buildings across the north side of the street at the air and saw water droplets falling. I couldn't really process it. I looked up at one of the buildings insisting that it must be window washers but couldn't see a swingstage. Hmm? I look east and see people running and I can't figure out why they are running. The people all around me are calm and smoking or talking or eating their street meat or whatever. Finally I see that the sidewalk across the street is getting wet. Then On my side of the street but east of me people are running. I look at my clothing to reassure myself that yes I'm really dry, nothing is coming down. Then I lift my head up to the sky directly above me and I think, "Am I having a religious experience? It's raining everywhere except for on me."
No sooner did I think that one of three women says out loud, "Oh My God! It's raining everywhere except over here!"
I burst out laughing, turn and say to her and her friends, "Oh You see that too? I thought I was having a religious experience!"
ha ha.
Then we all screamed, "It's coming!" and ran under the buildings awning.
I stood with them and told them what I was reading about how it's about Christ and God and Love and then this freaky rain thing happens and I'm thinking I'm getting some message from God. I had them in hysterics.
If the rain had stayed off me just long enough, I might be a devout monk now.
EY
I was on my lunch sitting outside the tower, eating my yellow peppers and mini carrots and drinking my beet juice. I've been reading Marianne Williamson's book a Return to Love. I'm sitting there quite enjoying the greyness of the day with the nice cool breeze. I was also enjoying the book.
I'd read a little and think about what I'd just read... "if you go deeply enough into your mind, and deeply enough into mine, we have the same mind. The concept of a divine, or "Christ" mind, is the idea that, at our core, we are not just identical, but actually the same being. 'There is only one begotten Son' doesn't mean that someone else was it, and we're not. It means we're all it. There's only one of us here."
I sat and thought about that. Imagine that person that just walked by is me. Imagine that my co worker who works my last nerve is me. It's not like it's something new, I've heard this before but how, if I chose to, could I inhabit that with acceptance?
I read some more: "I accept the Christ within" means, "I accept the beauty within me as who I really am. I am not my weakness. I am not my anger. I am not my small mindedness. I am much, much more. And I am willing to be reminded of who I really am."
And
"our entire network of fearful perceptions, all stemming from that first false belief in our separation from God and one another, is called the ego."
And finally
"remember, there's only one of us here: What we give to others, we give to ourselves. What we withhold from others, we withhold from ourselves. In any moment when we choose fear instead of love, we deny ourselves the experience of Paradise. To the extent that we abandon love, to that extent we will feel it has abandoned us."
I sat and thought about that. How might I put these ideas into practice? How might I make use of them in one of my novels?
I got to the section on the Holy Spirit and read this wee quote, "The Holy Spirit is the call to awaken and be glad."
I looked across the street, then looked between the buildings across the north side of the street at the air and saw water droplets falling. I couldn't really process it. I looked up at one of the buildings insisting that it must be window washers but couldn't see a swingstage. Hmm? I look east and see people running and I can't figure out why they are running. The people all around me are calm and smoking or talking or eating their street meat or whatever. Finally I see that the sidewalk across the street is getting wet. Then On my side of the street but east of me people are running. I look at my clothing to reassure myself that yes I'm really dry, nothing is coming down. Then I lift my head up to the sky directly above me and I think, "Am I having a religious experience? It's raining everywhere except for on me."
No sooner did I think that one of three women says out loud, "Oh My God! It's raining everywhere except over here!"
I burst out laughing, turn and say to her and her friends, "Oh You see that too? I thought I was having a religious experience!"
ha ha.
Then we all screamed, "It's coming!" and ran under the buildings awning.
I stood with them and told them what I was reading about how it's about Christ and God and Love and then this freaky rain thing happens and I'm thinking I'm getting some message from God. I had them in hysterics.
If the rain had stayed off me just long enough, I might be a devout monk now.
EY
04 July 2007
Jane Fonda
Note: previous entries mentioned in this entry are on my writing2live blog.
Wednesday 5:34pm
Have I said this about a hundred times? I'm slowly going through my tapes and when I get to Inside the Actor's Studio there is always someone who I think, 'I don't have to watch this one. How interesting will so and so be?' Then I catch the beginning and am engrossed in the whole interview.
Of course that just happened with Jane Fonda. But even better, I watched it this morning and it was so good I rewound the tape to watch it again this afternoon and write notes.
You know so many questions are popping up and out of me lately. Between the Pisces kiss and the subsequent revelations and what made me so mad about it all. I can recall hearing someone saying something along the lines regarding depression that she wanted to make her life less about not being depressed and more about living an intentional life. I can't remember who said it and I never wrote it down because some things that are said just resonate so wholly within my being that I know I don't need to write them down. It's like it inhabits my subconscious in a magnetic sort of way and the right ideas start to stick to me. That's where my idea for embracing my singleness came from.
I don't know if I've expressed embracing my singleness well enough. It's not that I don't want to be with anyone or that I've been overly unhappy alone. I basically said to myself, "what if this is the last time, for the rest of my life, that I will be fully alone? How can I make good use of this time and be able to look back with fondness?"
When I was in constant survival mode and I was between jobs I was always so stressed about finding another job that I never enjoyed the time off work. Then when all worked out and I got a new job I'd always wished that I just relaxed enough to enjoy the time. That's what I'm trying to do now with being single and not having a group of friends to hang out with. Enjoy this time. Discover the things that I really like to do whether I have company or not. Live and enjoy my life despite not having a closet full of money.
Smoking to some extent falls in line with that. There's something that I feel is missing that smoking fills. It's something to focus on to take me away from discovering what that void is that needs to be filled. Jane Fonda talks about addiction and the space that is left when you give up an addiction(s).
My early notes from the first viewing were about her discussing, 'entering my truth'. I had to ask, "what is my truth?" A big question that may take me years to discover a full answer to. Maybe starting off with What do I really feel?
Yesterday morning I caught some police drama on A&E and Anthony LaPaglia's brother is in it and he's trying to get his woman to come in but she won't. I asked out loud, "Why did she bother going there then?" and I felt this ache. I had to ask, What is my ache regarding love? I have one, obviously, but how do I get to the meat of it and past the stories of, "I saw the kind of men my mother was with and what men can do to women" I guess the question is, 'How do I live MY life now with all the love I have to give and actually give it?'
My madness toward the man and his kiss is that I am coming to realize that I feel good enough about myself that I know that what he is offering is bullshit and that he would think it's okay to only offer me scraps that you give a dog. And because I can see different points of view, I'm even madder about the fact that he is with a woman who may or may not know that he is giving HER dog scraps. There's nothing wrong with being a dog but be a single dog and give women the opportunity to say yes or no.
Jane Fonda talked about her first marriage to a man who regularly brought other women into their bed with them. I wrote quickly, "not feeling good enough about yourself enought that you would allow a man to bring another woman into bed with the two of you. Feeling that the only way she could keep this man was to accept that she wasn't enough for him."
It's funny, it always brings me back to what I've always said since I was a kid watching my mother, "I'd rather be alone than suffer through that shit for the sake of having a man."
Jane also said, "It's in relationships where a loss of voice manifests."
Ahh! A loss of voice. I write to give myself voice, even if it's only my eyes that see the words...for now anyway. I leave men when I feel that I can't express my true voice, what I need, what I want, what I feel is missing. I've always wanted to have a relationship, it just so happens, that I've needed to be able to hear my voice more than be in a relationship.
With all my insecurities and feelings that I am so fucked up (I'm not denying that I'm not fucked up) I am discovering that I am more than enough. I do not need to be with someone who convinces me that I'm not enough for his own gains. And isn't there a piece of fiction following a man and a woman through that all? Where the man really sees what he has done to his woman because he could, because she let him, because she didn't think she was enough to keep him.
It takes me back to that question I blogged several weeks ago, "Can I trust you with my heart?" It's not that I can't commit. I can't commit to feeling not good enough and so I don't.
More quotes from Jane Fonda's interview, whose book I want to read, by the way:
"He would bring other women into our bed and it never occurred to me that I could say no. I assumed that it was that I wasn't enough and I didn't want him to leave me and being with him is what validated me. "
"I've come from a place where I would silence my voice, shut down my heart, betray my body because if he left me I would be nothing and fall down into a dark hole."
"I couldn't say to my husband. 'I don't want to anymore.' I couldn't say who I really was because I was scared of being alone."
"the need to please, the disease to please, the need to be perfect, is so pervasive in our society for women... usher perfection out the door and strive for completion."
"I don't want to die without giving voice to my wholeness with the man I love."
"What is more important to me is my authenticity. Being intentional about how I live."
"I don't want to have regrets at the end of my life. What will I have to do now so that I won't have regrets and then it's about being intentional about how you live, the way you live. It's painful but it's the right thing to do."
She was amazing and can I just say that when ever the camera panned the audience the women were wiping away tears.
And she said it, she is a privileged white woman and she still felt that she wasn't good enough. That's pretty powerful when you really think about that.
EY
Wednesday 5:34pm
Have I said this about a hundred times? I'm slowly going through my tapes and when I get to Inside the Actor's Studio there is always someone who I think, 'I don't have to watch this one. How interesting will so and so be?' Then I catch the beginning and am engrossed in the whole interview.
Of course that just happened with Jane Fonda. But even better, I watched it this morning and it was so good I rewound the tape to watch it again this afternoon and write notes.
You know so many questions are popping up and out of me lately. Between the Pisces kiss and the subsequent revelations and what made me so mad about it all. I can recall hearing someone saying something along the lines regarding depression that she wanted to make her life less about not being depressed and more about living an intentional life. I can't remember who said it and I never wrote it down because some things that are said just resonate so wholly within my being that I know I don't need to write them down. It's like it inhabits my subconscious in a magnetic sort of way and the right ideas start to stick to me. That's where my idea for embracing my singleness came from.
I don't know if I've expressed embracing my singleness well enough. It's not that I don't want to be with anyone or that I've been overly unhappy alone. I basically said to myself, "what if this is the last time, for the rest of my life, that I will be fully alone? How can I make good use of this time and be able to look back with fondness?"
When I was in constant survival mode and I was between jobs I was always so stressed about finding another job that I never enjoyed the time off work. Then when all worked out and I got a new job I'd always wished that I just relaxed enough to enjoy the time. That's what I'm trying to do now with being single and not having a group of friends to hang out with. Enjoy this time. Discover the things that I really like to do whether I have company or not. Live and enjoy my life despite not having a closet full of money.
Smoking to some extent falls in line with that. There's something that I feel is missing that smoking fills. It's something to focus on to take me away from discovering what that void is that needs to be filled. Jane Fonda talks about addiction and the space that is left when you give up an addiction(s).
My early notes from the first viewing were about her discussing, 'entering my truth'. I had to ask, "what is my truth?" A big question that may take me years to discover a full answer to. Maybe starting off with What do I really feel?
Yesterday morning I caught some police drama on A&E and Anthony LaPaglia's brother is in it and he's trying to get his woman to come in but she won't. I asked out loud, "Why did she bother going there then?" and I felt this ache. I had to ask, What is my ache regarding love? I have one, obviously, but how do I get to the meat of it and past the stories of, "I saw the kind of men my mother was with and what men can do to women" I guess the question is, 'How do I live MY life now with all the love I have to give and actually give it?'
My madness toward the man and his kiss is that I am coming to realize that I feel good enough about myself that I know that what he is offering is bullshit and that he would think it's okay to only offer me scraps that you give a dog. And because I can see different points of view, I'm even madder about the fact that he is with a woman who may or may not know that he is giving HER dog scraps. There's nothing wrong with being a dog but be a single dog and give women the opportunity to say yes or no.
Jane Fonda talked about her first marriage to a man who regularly brought other women into their bed with them. I wrote quickly, "not feeling good enough about yourself enought that you would allow a man to bring another woman into bed with the two of you. Feeling that the only way she could keep this man was to accept that she wasn't enough for him."
It's funny, it always brings me back to what I've always said since I was a kid watching my mother, "I'd rather be alone than suffer through that shit for the sake of having a man."
Jane also said, "It's in relationships where a loss of voice manifests."
Ahh! A loss of voice. I write to give myself voice, even if it's only my eyes that see the words...for now anyway. I leave men when I feel that I can't express my true voice, what I need, what I want, what I feel is missing. I've always wanted to have a relationship, it just so happens, that I've needed to be able to hear my voice more than be in a relationship.
With all my insecurities and feelings that I am so fucked up (I'm not denying that I'm not fucked up) I am discovering that I am more than enough. I do not need to be with someone who convinces me that I'm not enough for his own gains. And isn't there a piece of fiction following a man and a woman through that all? Where the man really sees what he has done to his woman because he could, because she let him, because she didn't think she was enough to keep him.
It takes me back to that question I blogged several weeks ago, "Can I trust you with my heart?" It's not that I can't commit. I can't commit to feeling not good enough and so I don't.
More quotes from Jane Fonda's interview, whose book I want to read, by the way:
"He would bring other women into our bed and it never occurred to me that I could say no. I assumed that it was that I wasn't enough and I didn't want him to leave me and being with him is what validated me. "
"I've come from a place where I would silence my voice, shut down my heart, betray my body because if he left me I would be nothing and fall down into a dark hole."
"I couldn't say to my husband. 'I don't want to anymore.' I couldn't say who I really was because I was scared of being alone."
"the need to please, the disease to please, the need to be perfect, is so pervasive in our society for women... usher perfection out the door and strive for completion."
"I don't want to die without giving voice to my wholeness with the man I love."
"What is more important to me is my authenticity. Being intentional about how I live."
"I don't want to have regrets at the end of my life. What will I have to do now so that I won't have regrets and then it's about being intentional about how you live, the way you live. It's painful but it's the right thing to do."
She was amazing and can I just say that when ever the camera panned the audience the women were wiping away tears.
And she said it, she is a privileged white woman and she still felt that she wasn't good enough. That's pretty powerful when you really think about that.
EY
09 March 2007
Living My Best Life
Friday 9:19pm 9Mar07
I'm feeling real good tonight. I'm finding myself being more friendly with complete strangers. I'm finding the joke in most situations. I feel like I'm in love, but I'm not. I like the thought of being in love with someone but I think I'm falling in love with myself actually. I'm falling in love with myself because I'm finding ways to share myself with others the way that I want to. I feel more optimistic about everything. I'm falling in love with myself because I'm getting in touch with, 'this is who I am, take me or leave me'. I'm feeling more comfortable about being a flawed person and it feels good.
I'm finding that as I delve into my own insecurities I keep coming back up from them and seeing my life to be more fun even the waiting and figuring out if the guy that I've liked and have been getting to know for a year likes me back. Yeah, I'm feeling like a teenager, in that respect!
I started taping Oprah. I figured since I was taping Inside the Actor's Studio everyday I might as well tape Oprah. Tonight I caught her episode on women and aging. I was cracking up at some of the things the women said and feeling thrilled about some of the others. Like Diane Sawyer saying that at 60 years old she's finally realized that she needs to have time for herself. Diahann Carroll realizing that she'd never been without a man in her whole adult life and has actually learned how to love being alone and not having to report to someone. Also taking the reins and calling a man to fulfill her needs and not being invested in the outcome. And finally, depending on her friends more. All of those things I've figured out by being alone, by being the person that never jumped into new relationships the moment a relationship ended, taking the time to grieve the end of a relationship before I got involved with someone else.
My so-called embarrassing (or pity causing) singlehood has taught me how to be on my own and take care of myself and like myself and these women are saying that's something they've learned or embraced in their 60's! Heck, I got all that stuff out of the way and I'm only 43!
I'm finding my balance with people as a whole, in friendships and with men. After Oprah mentioned living your best life I thought, that's it, I'm learning how to live my best life. My rituals are defining who I am or I'm defining who I am through my rituals. I've always known that I wasn't going to be able to do everything the way my mother did. I was never going to the same king of selfless person that she was. I have a level of selflessness but I also need to be self focused. That is an extension of writing. I have to be able to focus on myself in order to take the time to write. There has to be a certain amount of self focus or setting that priority of putting myself first in order to set the priority of writing. I am in my writing. I write to absorb life and understand life. I write to analyze how I feel. I write because my imagination is out of control. I write because I'm interested and I love life's mysteries and I love to write.
I loved when Christina Yang said to Doctor Burke on Grey's Anatomy that she was a surgeon. That he was important to her and being a surgeon was important to her. She was telling him that she wasn't going to give up her career nor give him up. She wasn't going to be the woman that stays home while her husband is out in the trenches. She was going to be out in the trenches with him. She said, "we can hire a wife!" I loved what she said because women are discovering that they want the man but they don't want to be the house maid. We can hire people to clean the house and cook the meals and do all the other chores that most of us end up taking care of because, let's be honest, most men still don't share in taking care of the chores. I loved what Christina Yang said because I've always known that I didn't want to be the wife, not in the conventional sense anyway. I don't love doing housework. I'm not interested in running a ship shape household. I just don't care about it. I'm impressed with people who do, but I don't. Somehow she validated it for me in my feminine consciousness. This is who I am, take it or leave it. That was a big insecurity for me, how can I be a whole woman and not want to do all the things that are supposedly within a woman's domain?
I'm a whole woman exactly the way I am. My mother always got a kick out me. She was in awe of my opinions and my independence but boy she'd be proudly jealous of the woman I've become.
I'm still amazed at how good I feel just from the memory of my birthday a full week later. Read about it here and here.
EY
22 February 2007
The Bar
I'm in love! Okay, not with a person, but with a place. It's a small bar near where I work. I keep telling myself not to become a regular at this bar. It's nice once in awhile to show up and have a beer to break up the month of going straight home to write. It's nice once in awhile to go in and socialize and enjoy the cold refreshing beer saturating my tongue. But it's not my place, it's not my hang out.
What I discover everytime I go in is that there's something really magical about it. Everytime I go in there I meet someone new. The key of course could be that I go in there by myself, mind you, I do know enough of the regulars that I could conceivably just talk to them each time and never meet another new person. But I always meet someone new. It's fascinating. I get to hear funny stories, heart warming stories, personal stories. Stories galore! The place feeds my writer brain. Sometimes I can sit for an hour or so and work on my writing, sometimes I can't write because the socializing is on high and either way it feeds me.
Someone remarked last night, when I said that I didn't know what anyone there did for a living, that it was rare to meet a person who didn't immediately ask that question. I said that I want to talk to people not gauge how much money they may or may not earn. How much money someone makes has never been an interest to me.
At the bar, beautiful things happen in front of me because I expect some type of beauty there. I expect to meet nice people and I always do.
Last night one of the regulars was there and his daughters showed up with his 14 month old grand son. The bartender scooped up the chubby peach of a child and carried him around showing him off to everybody, excited by the size of the child, admiring the child's sunny face. What a gorgeous occasion to see a man thrilled by children. What a beautiful blessing having the chance to see another side, a tender side of a man. Especially a man. Babies stereotypically fall under a woman's domain. Women coo and ooh and aah over babies. In our society, men aren't supposed to.
In Wabi Sabi for writers by Richard R. Powell, he writes, "Male stereotypes pull hard at a boy; male society encourages a kind of brutish toughness. But my heart was born tender and gentle; my strength increased when I turned away from male pride..."
What a joy to see a man that has overcome that noise and who openly enjoys the sight of a chubby baby. I could almost see his heart swelling with joy over this baby. I'd love to see him when he finally has his own child. What a deserving heart for such a sacred experience.
And then there was the tale that Derek told me because I asked... "I hope I'm not being too forward in asking but what happened?"
see Derek's story next entry.
So slowly I'm becoming a regular in an alternate Cheers universe where everyone is beginning to know my name and I like it. Where the people feed into my writing world and where nice things happen because I'm looking for them
EY
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