25 November 2006

Giving my Writing back to Myself

Saturday 7:41am 25Nov06

Received a call from my boss at my old job a couple weeks ago. She told me that she'd have to take me off the payroll because I haven't worked there in five months and Human Resources has been breathing down her neck. The funny thing is that I'd actually quit but it was my boss that suggested that she keep me on the payroll in case I'd changed my mind. I'm glad that I'm finally being released.

It wasn't easy to quit five months ago. The job has saved my ass so many times but I have no joy going through those doors to work a shift. I don't care about the extra money, although I could use it.

It's all energy. If you're earning money but aren't happy about the ways you earn it that affects everything -- the way you live, the way you spend, your ability to save. That's why I call it being released from my old job. Letting go of the old fears that I need a crutch because I may have made a bad decision. Letting go of the feeling that I had a family there and if I left who would I turn to? Letting go of five minute comps. Getting to see theatre shows and dance and the like for free has given me the chance to see shows from around the world that I would have never seen. And so many other things.

I responded to my old boss via email. I knew if we talked on the phone she'd pull at my heart strings, talk about how much she still wanted me there, tell me how much she was always able to depend on me. Who needs that noise? Or is it static? In my email, I reminded her that I'd already quit, there was no reason to apologize for being forced to take me off the payroll, it really is no biggie. In her response she said, "was kinda hoping that you wanted to come back..." Bingo!

No, I don't want to go back. I want to move forward. Despite being more cash poor now than I've ever been in my working life. I'm committed to working my full time job and writing in the rest of my hours. If I don't learn that lesson now, when do I learn it? If you are still in love with your ex you can't really move forward with someone new with out all these old issues popping up. I can't hold on to my old job, work my current job and balance my writing life and attempt to have a social life anymore. I have to say what I want then live it.

I made a man cry the other night, well, a week ago. The reason why he cried was that I made it okay for his fuck ups. I told him that you taught your children more by being out of their lives for five years and then coming back then you would have if you hadn't left at all. You taught them that they can fuck up and climb their way back out of it. You couldn't have taught them that lesson if you hadn't fucked up.
He said, "But I still feel bad."
Yeah we're always going to second guess ourselves aren't we? We're always going to wonder if the choices we make are mistakes. We're always going to wonder about how we hurt others and ourselves. But there are benefits we gain from the voids in our lives and there are negatives we get from the so called good things in life.

My biggest benefit that I've gained from the voids in my life is my writing. I started writing because I couldn't draw as well as my brother. I continued to write because I felt ignored in my family. I felt like I wasn't listened to with the same respect as my other family members. I needed a way to express myself because I always had a feeling of neglect despite the fact that my mother and I were very close. She couldn't give me 100% of her attention (who can?) because she had her own cross to bear. She had her guilt for that. But she gave me my writing.

And in letting go of my old job once and for all I'm giving my writing back to myself. Yeah, I could pay off all my bills and have the money to buy nicer furniture in my apartment. I could have a bigger wardrobe with the latest fashion. I could look outwardly better from all the things money can bring me and I will - eventually. But if I don't feel good inside, none of those things will make me look better.

If I hold on to a past job that I haven't liked for at least two years, if I hold on to that stand by position, if I have to suffer fools (which come in big supply at that job) ... Well, you do the math.

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