05 November 2008
Dreaming the impossible has been blown wide open in the last 24 hours. Blown wide open.
All the dreams we've been told that we couldn't have or should change, all the dreams that we hoped our own children wouldn't have to avoid the hurt and the pain ... everything has changed now. All the mixed race children who have felt like they've had to deny one side of themselves just to make life easier. All the mixed race children who have hated something within themselves and have felt the confusion are given another bigger and better option embracing all of who they are.
And just like that old commercial where she tells two friends and they tell two friends and so on and so on, all the possibilities expand out into infinity from race to politics to history to imagining positive changes in our world.
What an exciting time it is now in the United States. What an exciting time that so many of us had hoped for since Sept 11, 2001 when the United States had the world's attention and love and sorrow and people were helping strangers and volunteering to lend a helping hand and hug. 9/11 showed us and reminded us that in a crisis the best qualities of people come to the forefront, deep inside all of us lives good.
I didn't cry last night as I watched the election results. I didn't cry when Barack Obama came out and gave his victory speech. I stood in front of the television and I watched and listened in awe. I nodded my head each time he said Yes we can and I bathed in all the possibilities of that little phrase.
Yes we can dream big and set unreasonable goals because they are only unreasonable until we realize them. Yes we can be the ones to live in possibility, to try something different than what we've always done that hasn't been working. Yes we can think of what community means to us and create it and help others and share with each other. Out of many we are one.
I want to embrace these hopeful enthusiastic feelings on a daily basis. I want to believe that we can heal our troubled world. I want to imagine that we are approaching a higher level of living with each other where our first choice is to show our best qualities that we automatically show in a 9/11 type crisis. Because it is human nature. If we have it in us during a crisis, we can live it without a crisis. It sounds unreasonable doesn't it? But it's only unreasonable until we realize it and if we all focused on our possibilities step by step, minute by minute, person to person... well just Imagine.
Just imagine that we can. Oh Yes we can
26 September 2008
It's been another month since I've visited my blog. I've thought about blogging at my part time gig but lately it's been too busy to consider. But it's been a fun busy.
My Capricorn spiritual son has been the greatest son to love. We spoil eachother with cookies, which is fine for him, he's a bony little guy. For me? I'm going to have to ask him to spoil me with fruit going forward!
Another Capricorn I know, because have I mentioned I'm overrun with Capricorns, has been facing some relationship issues and I think that one of my purposes in life is to offer advice at how to give a good College try at looking honestly at why you're with someone and look for possible ways to rekindle and if that's not working for you, finding the nicest way to walk away from a relationship if you don't want to be in it.
And it gives me all sorts of novel ideas, for whatever reason.
Things at the day job have gone from reaching a fever pitch of pure insanity and the pendulum swings back to a level of calm.
Basically, I had more work induced pain only this time it was on both sides of my body. I had to do a little dance to be heard but was ultimately heard. And I had to pull out the sound vibration to take my pain away. I'm still waiting for the report from the ergonomist specialist who paid me a visit and assessed my work area. And always, I go for Shiatsu. My therapist who I've nicknamed the hack, has been beating me up and forcing some pains on me and telling me to breath through it and all that. Yeah buddy, let me kick you in the balls and you breath through that pain. He laughs, I'm half serious.
Lance Armstrong announced that he will do the Tour de France next year which makes me thrilled beyond words. I can barely wait until next summer and we just barely finished this one. But the more we have to look forward to, the better life is.
Gatsby, my cat, is 7 months old and a terror and we love him like ten men.
And we hit Mercury Retrograde in Libra. So it affects the cardinal signs more intensely. Aries, Cancer, Capricorns and Libras. But as always we all watch our communications and focus on the words/actions that start with RE. And we smile a lot right? Because we know what's happening. It happens until the 15th of October but I wouldn't start anything new until 29Oct08 especially since it will be a new moon. I've been contemplating asking a special someone to accompany me to my work Christmas party and am thinking I will ask him around October 29th in the new moon phase, after Mercury Retrograde is long behind us. We've had some good moments lately and a specific conversation with he and his younger brother that made me think that all is not lost and possibly I have a whole lot more power over this situation than I originally believed. Hmm! AND HE IS NOT A CAPRICORN! ha ha. I'm trying to be as good and kind and nice to all the Capricorn men I know in hopes that I can once and for all release myself from the curse.
This is the last Mercury Retrograde of the year yippee. The next one is 11Jan09 in Capricorn and Aquarius.
Last year I wrote a lot of entries about Grey's Anatomy on my old Writing2live blog. I may continue that on my newer Writing by Kaizen blog. Because I love that show, it really makes me think about relationships and I'm down to 2 TV shows that I watch. If you ever read my old blog, you know that one year I was knee deep in television and each year I've let go of shows and so it's a major accomplisment to be down to Heroes and Grey's Anatomy. Mad Men is down to it's last few shows for its season so I don't actually count it because by October it will be done plus last week it was a repeat.
28 August 2008
I opened my email this morning to get the latest Neale Donald Walsh offering and again it goes perfect with my post yesterday. Life really is magic!
Here's the offering:
On this day of your life, Shelley, I believe God wants you to know...
. .that just when it looks like life is falling apart, it may be falling together for the first time.
I have learned to trust the process of life, and not so much the outcome. Destinations have not nearly as much value as journeys.
So maybe you should let things fall apart at this juncture if that's what's happening. Don't hang on so tenaciously. The nice thing about things falling apart is that you can pick up only the pieces that you want...
...and you know exactly why I told you this today...
Love, Your Friend....end
27 August 2008
When one door closes another one opens. So I’m trying to believe that as I hold the tears at bay.
Boy oh boy crappy things really can happen, can’t they? And with all the law of attraction I know about and all that it’s easy to fall into just sitting with the negativity having a good cry and asking the cosmos ‘WHY?”
I’m not really sure what this is all about. What is the purpose? But I can’t ask why, I just need to ask, What do I choose now?
It’s ironic that I would receive that message from Neale Donald Walsh of conversations with God fame. I get regular emails entitled ‘I believe God wants you to know.’ And most recently the message I’ve kept at my desk is this:
On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
...that "Why is this happening?" is the most useless question in the Universe.
The only really profitable question is, "What?" As in, "What do I choose now?" This question empowers. The "why" question simply perplexes, and rarely satisfies even when it gets a good answer.
So don't try to "figure it out." Stop it. Just focus on what you now wish to create. Keep moving forward. There's nothing behind you that can possibly serve you better than your highest thoughts about tomorrow.
You will not have to think but a second to know exactly why you received this message today. end
It was appropriate when I received it and it’s even more appropriate today. I’ve got a question to ask to reframe my thoughts and move my focus forward.
What do I choose now? I do not know the reasoning behind why I am having all these issues, Maybe I want what I want too much. I don’t really know. There is apparently a method to all this madness.
It’s hard to be optimistic when I keep getting slapped right down. I honestly don’t know what to do other than ask the question, what do I choose now, and keep asking it until I figure out what to choose. I know that being depressed serves no real purpose which is a vast improvement on the way my thoughts can work. Depression is a choice, it follows my thoughts. It’s that simple.
I feel like I am dodging bullets left right and centre. And the bullet grazes hurt like hell. So the positive side of that is, imagine how much worse the full on effect of being hit by the proverbial bullets? Apparently with the Kevlar vest, there is still bruising.
And today’s card from Christin Snider is absolutely perfect with all this.
Today's Card: Ace of Clubs (Wands)
In this card the scepter reaches out from the clouds like the hand of heaven. Behind it lies the hill with a beautiful castle.
Wands/Clubs signify new beginnings, the seeds of ideas, fresh starts, and manifesting our energy in ways that allow us to reach our goals.
Where thoughts flow so does our energy, so it becomes very important to direct our thoughts (and therefore our energy) in empowered ways.
Rather than focus on what's "wrong" or potential failure etc, it is important to keep our eyes turned towards the goal, and more importantly to stay motivated and encouraged now so that the goal doesn't seem so elusive.
The success of a journey is not merely the destination, but all the growth and opportunities that occur on all phases, from initial thoughts and planning, to action and then ultimately to achievement.
Ace's often carry with them some element of surprise or hidden opportunity, so make the most of all situations that present themselves to you. Look for new approaches to old challenges as well.
You may find yourself surprised by a sudden change in plans, go for the change :), happiness comes in surprise packages.
The Ace of Clubs reminds us that it is necessary for you to make the first step, to try something different, and be on the lookout for new ideas. Be receptive and open to the possibility of change/alternatives being presented. end
So there I go, there I go, there I go! Depression does nothing, being sad does nothing, asking why does nothing. I have one way to go and that is up. What the bleep do I choose now?
When you feel like your life is falling apart maybe it’s just a sign that it has to fall apart, you have to tear the sucker down and then you can build a new life, the life you really want.
And so I post this now, while I’m at work, because if there is anyone out there who feels like shit today and asks for that little miracle and happens along this blog, this could be your miracle. Miracles don’t have to be big. They can be about knowing that you are not alone.
A Japanese proverb that I found recently: Fall seven times, stand up eight!
10 August 2008
I'm getting my Emergency kit together. I'm like most people, I think I should probably be prepared and then procrastinate about it. Some how all that rang through my head as I watched the new coverage this morning about the North Toronto Propane Explosion was, 'get your kit and shit together.'
There have been three major emergencies in Toronto this year. In February was the Queen St West fire that destroyed 14 buildings. The sky was black on my way to work and in the business district there was that quiet, dark feeling of doom mixed in with the burning smell that the wind blew. It was depressing and scary.
In July was the hydro vault that exploded in an East end apartment. The tenants were forced to stay in their apartments as the hallways filled with smoke. When they were finally evacuated, they sat on TTC buses, with the clothes on their backs, for hours.
And now this morning, in the North end was the propane explosion that affected a massive area of the city. How many times can I see images of people in their pajamas and housecoats sitting on TTC buses shivering before I make sure that I am prepared with the basic necessities?
We had a speaker at one or our quarterly meetings who talked about emergency preparation. He said that we cannot depend on emergency services being there when we need them the most because there could hundreds or thousands of people that they have to help first. It's scary but if you think of Hurricane Katrina, you know that it's true.
So as I prepare my emergency kit and my grab-and-go-bag I thought I'd mention it and provide the link to Public Safety Canada because you don't want to think about it and you hope that it never happens to you but you've got to be ready.
08 August 2008
When I was a child my brother, who is 4.5 years older than I am, used to beat me up. As older siblings often do, he would bug me and tease me and sometimes beat me up. Of course I'd cry and sometimes I'd tell my mom and sometimes she'd hear my screams, like when he threw hockey tape at me and hit me in the head. Every once in awhile my brother would bug me when I was busy doing my own thing and I'd lose my temper and I'd beat him up. He'd go crying to mom and she'd say, "What were you doing to make Shelley that mad. That girl never gets mad. If she hurt you, it's your own fault!" ha ha.
Not much has changed, my biggest anger comes out when I am minding my own business, doing my own thing, and someone comes along, takes me away from my focus over to theirs and then plays with my head. That's where it's been at with the dastardly dude. It's all about innuendo with some men. I hate innuendo. You can never really argue with innuendo. If you say anything like your actions came across as genuine interest or like we were building toward some sort of relationship/friendship etc. The person can always say, "I was just being friendly, that's not what I meant." *sigh*
I hate innuendo. So as I come to terms with a certain persons lack of being a man of his word or simply just not being a worthwhile friend, I find that this week's theme is all about acceptance.
It started with the book that I'm currently reading by Gurmukh, "The 8 Talents: Restore the Balance and Serenity Within You with Kundalini Yoga." In it, she tells a story about a Jewish father and son who come at odds because the father has orthodox beliefs and the son doesn't. The father disowns the son and they never reconcile. The son, after finding out that that the father has died decides to go on a pilgrimage to Israel hoping to find some peace with his relationship with his father and wishing that he could turn back time and tell his father that he always loved him despite their differences. At the Wailing Wall in Israel, the son prays for his father's understanding even though it was too late. He prays the prayers that he learned from his father then prays his own prayer asking for his father's understanding. He notices that other people are writing notes asking for a miracle and placing them in the wall. He decides to write his own note and tries to find a spot to place his note in the crowded wall. His note asks for the father's understanding and says that he's always loved his father even when his father disowned him. He finally finds a spot and as he places his note in, a note falls out into his hand. He opens the note and it's in his father's handwriting. The note is written to the son saying that the father loves him, has always loved him even when the son had turned his back on the father's faith.
After reading that story, I decided to see my situation with the Guy in a different light. I decided to accept that he isn't the person that I had hoped he'd be. I decided to see him as he is, the guy who I see regularly and have pleasant conversations with. That person I can like and not feel any animosity towards.
As Wayne Dyer says, "Change your mind and change your life."
I listened to Doreen Virtue's podcast through Hay House radio and so many thing came up about acceptance and how to find acceptance. And last night I worked with 27 year old sweet guy at my part time job. I think I'd like to nickname him my Spiritual Son. I've felt since the first time I met him that if I ever had a kid, he is the kind of self aware kid I'd wish to have. The first thing I asked him about, when we had quiet time, was the female heartbreaker. It wasn't a great story. Things didn't work out for him but I suspected it wasn't going to even though I'd hoped it would. It's so ironic that all the tales I've heard about his relationship reminded me of my past Capricorn relationships. It felt very Capricorn - Pisces.
Anyway, my Spiritual Son talked about acceptance and putting the whole relationship into perspective, not unlike me seeing the guy who comes into my office as someone I have pleasant conversations with. My Spiritual Son wrote an unsent letter to the heartbreaker which he acknowledged was really more for himself then for her and he let me read it. Oh what a beautiful young man! We talked about whether we could be friends with our exes and both agreed that you can't really. There is always ulterior motives involved. One hopes that if you wait long enough you could get back together and the other always gets to feel that there is this person who still has designs on you. Plus if you can't be happy about a person finding someone to love who isn't you, you're not really his or her friend.
Somehow we got onto the topic of miracles because my SS, at his most heartbroken, was standing in a line at a store and this stranger told him that she was sorry that his girl was treating him so pitifully and then proceeded to get in depth about how the heartbreaker would regret letting him go. I told him my two similar miracle stories and showed him the little angel that I'd found the one day at work when I was really down. I also said that I like to look for daily miracles because, 'they happen all the time you know? You just have to look for them and not get bogged down with all the day to day crap.'
I finally asked him what sign he was and ofcourse, he's a Capricorn. I swear I'm going to start keeping track of all the Capricorns I meet. And yes his ex is a Pisces.
We had a good chuckle about my Capricorn stalkings epecially the three guys with the same name and same birthday.
Acceptance. This is what this is. It doesn't matter how much I wish it away or hope it was different, this is what it is. This is how I live. These are the people that I meet. This is how some people treat me. This is how some people inspire me. Accept it. Acceptance.
And I've discovered something about myself. That I need time to evaluate rather than react immediately especially when it comes to men. When I react immediately I end everything, don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't come near me. When I evaluate which can clearly take me a couple weeks I can change my mind and change my life.
Flying up in the air to light the olympic flame? Seriously? Totally awesome! The Olympics have begun. Cycling is on now. Cadell Evans is there from the Tour de France. Also Mark Cavendish should be there, I haven't heard his name mentioned yet. Mark left the tour early to prepare for the Olympics. Thankfully we have a television at the p/t job so I should be able to catch the lalympics, as I lovingly call it, when I'm working.
And finally, So You Think You Can Dance ended last night. I watched the finale with my SS. I had him cracking up as I got emotional when Katee won a newly awarded prize for the top female. 50 grand! And when the final male won. I told my SS that I had decided Wednesday night that I wanted Twitch to win and then when Cat said Joshua's name as the winner I spontaneously screamed, "My Baby!" ha ha! So clearly I was happy for either of them. It was a thrill to see two hip hoppers as the final two. And considering Katee and Joshua really never did any wrong throughout the season, it was really sweet to see them as the top female and male dancers.
The next three weeks I do my split shift sleeping between the day job, the part time job and the Olympics. I slept from 6pm to 9pm when I got home after work tonight and now I'm going to lie down and watch the cycling until I fall asleep again. Then up for the p/t job for a very early day and I'm scheduled with my SS. And somewhere in all there, I write.
I had my little birthday party for Zelda who turned two yesterday. Cat nip was sprinkled liberally for each cat. Zelda has grown from copying what Quincy does with cat nip to doing her own thing of chatting with it with loud screaming meows, spreading it around with her feet, flipping her tail wildly and then plunking herself into it and rolling around. Gatsby just looked at all the big girls like they were nuts. He's still too young to get it plus he has more than enough youthful energy without the need of cat dope.
hmm, and I think I may be an Earth Angel . We call them caretakers but I like the term Earth Angels better. I got the term from Doreen Virtue's podcast.
31 July 2008
We're in Leo now and I have yet to read the write up that Guru Rattana sent nice and early this sign. But there is a new moon both on the 1st of August and the 30th. Two in one month. I wonder if that means anything special? Couldn't we all use special?
So You Think You can Dance gave us the cruel blow of ousting the lovely Will. Of course now he has time to marry me! I wonder if he's a Capricorn...
In recent news, Capricorn men STILL SUCK! I don't know why there are so many of them showing up in my world. It doesn't seem fair. But the good thing is that I dodged the bullet relatively early. And a lot can be said for dodging a bullet.
I've been watching this 27 year old sweet guy with the pain of heartbreak and ache and remember that all too well. I wish that I could tell him some secret of how to get over it quicker but, as we all know, there is no expiry date on emotions.
I've taken Gail's advice (from Til Debt do us part) that she would give me if she ever came to my house to check out my situation and I've got myself a part time job. It's where I met 27 year old sweet guy who is suffering. I get to sit on my ass and get paid to work on my writing. Plus I can pay off those pesky debts that have been getting on my nerves. Pay day is on opposite weeks from my day job which is sweet! And I'm getting paid $1.50 more per hour than originally quoted. Nice instant raise!
I've met a couple new men. So despite my Capricorn shenanigans there are other men out there. Being a Capricorn man may actually become the deal breaker. You know of course that if I ever marry, it will probably be to one. *sigh*
When a man shows you who he is, believe him!
The past few weeks the theme has been about justifying bad behaviour, or better yet, other people trying to get me to justify bad behaviour. It started off with a joke that was made up about me 5 years ago. When it was first said I made my comment about how people could perceive me, if they believed it. You know how people are, they hear a silly thing, they don't verify the info and they believe the shit for years to come. The person laughed at the comment as if he didn't believe that was possible. He continued to tell the fallacy every time we were out with others. Some times I let him tell it and laughed it off, other times I said, 'inappropriate time and place," and cut him off.
The night of the Capricorn dastardly deed (I'm not even sure what dastardly means but I love the alliteration), the fabrication/joke was brought out of the vault. I was already annoyed to find that Carpicorn dastard (ha ha) was not a person of his word so it really wasn't the time to be making up stories. I rolled my eyes and said, "Really? You're still going to tell that tale when it's not true?"
The storyteller didn't read the signs nor see the storm clouds. If I ever say to anyone in conversation, "you're not listening to me," that's a strong indication that losing my temper is not far behind. Leaning forward, I went off on this person stating all the things that were wrong with that story and how it could be perceived and how it could ruin my chances with a really nice guy who might be interested in me should he hear this story. At first every one was laughing because they didn't get my seriousnesss. And then I blew. I tore the person apart strip by strip for such fuckery, for not being aware enough to stop when stop was called and I didn't stop there. He got embarrassed then he started to back away. And I still didn't quit.
When I did quit and everyone looked pale, his wife said, "He's just teasing you because he likes you."
"How long, how many years do I laugh something off and play the good sport until enough is enough? How long do I have to understand that he's just teasing me because he likes me before we can move on and at least tell something funny about me that's actually true?"
No one had an answer. It's like someone telling you that you can't take a joke after they've publicly humiliated you. A good joke is when everyone laughs, not when a person is humiliated. In my humble opinion. Any comedien worth his weight will tell you that if the people aren't laughing, the joke was shit.
And the best part is that I said that they all tease me for being single as if there is something wrong with me and yet tell these tales and any possible interest believes them. That's right, I'm the loser...
Wife also tried to justify the Capricorn behaviour and I had to ask her again, how long or how many times does one person come up with excuses before they can name something bad behaviour. Or I can be allowed to be disappointed in him.
When a man shows you who he is, believe him!
The next day I told Ado that I feel like it's some orchestrated test and I'm the worst person to test. He said that in his single days that he'd test women all the time. hmm! What was aggravating was that dapper dan the dastardly deeder originally went on and on so much that I felt compelled to respond to his passive aggressive request and believe in his over eager yes. *sigh* squared
But again, happy to dodge the bullet now instead of three years down the road of justifications only to find out that when I depend on him to be a person of his word he ISN'T! So maybe that's the thing with the Capricorn men appearances. Maybe it's the test that I come up against almost every single time with them. Maybe it's getting rid of them earlier and earlier until they disappear for good or the ones that appear make me forget that they are Capricorns. Who really knows?
My mom's achilles heel was Aries men.
And I have to give props to my married friend because the next day we treated each other as we normally do. I said what I had to say and it was over and done with. And he got that.
Anyhow it's Caribana weekend and I don't have to work. In my interview for my new p/t gig, I said I'd only need that weekend off then my holidays would be my normal 10 days in October for the Festival that I attend yearly.
My life is relatively relaxed even with the occasional out burst. Our office renovations still carry on... can you believe that?
And there is always something to laugh at and learn. Oh yes and who knew how often you use the letter 's'. My cat climbed on to my laptop when I left it unattended momentarily, as I pulled her off, she took the letter s with her. Good thing I got the new gig, gotta save up for a new lap top. Or start using words without the letter 'S'. he he!
12 July 2008
I read this article that has motivated me to get rid of my "stuff". For all you pack rats out there, the main question that worked for me is to ask, "Would I replace this if I lost it in a fire?" I gotta whole lotta no's in my apartment. I started sorting through my no's and ruthlessly throwing them out. I couldn't bear to throw out my writer's magazines out right so I've decided to read them one by one and then leave them at a library. I'm going to label them saying something to that effect so other people could read them if they choose.
I've been busy with a little fun and a lotta distractions this past week. The Fringe Festival is on and again this year I bought the Buddy Pass which gets me into 14 shows. I've got seven more shows to see before the weekend is done. The Tour de France started last Saturday and has two more weeks to go. And as always there's 'So You Think You Can Dance' showing with a lot more really great black male dancers. Oh my Goodness, Debbie Allen's protege Will is something beautiful in looks and in dance. Totally brilliant. You can love him when he gets all proper in traditional dance and when he gets down n' dirty with hip hop. This week's lyrical performance where he was half naked... makes a woman shake her head with joy! Twitch made it through to the top 10, he didn't make it past Vegas last year because they put Hok through. I loved Hok. Twitch has been showing up every week, working his ass off. And there is sweet Joshua with that sweet smile. They've had great choreographers this year and even added a dynamic Bollywood routine. This may actually be the best season ever.
So once all those distractions end we move into the Olympics and I'm always happy when it's an Olympic year. Crying over people winning and whatnot! Yeah I'm a weird bird, I admit it. I spend more time crying during the Olympics it's crazy. One year one of my girlfriends would call me after the results of a competition to see if I was crying yet. I cry during the opening ceremonies, I cry during the closing ceremonies. I said it here, I cry during the Olympics!
I pulled out Gabrielle Rico's (of Writing the Natural Way fame) book, Pain and Possibility, out to read in the Fringe line ups and have been doing the word sculptures, spirals and of course what she's known for, clustering. It's a nice quick n' dirty way to get a little writing done. It's always amazing what comes up that is so unexpected.
I haven't been doing the amount of writing I want to but I'm still managing to fit some in with all my distractions. And as I think about that more I feel that I'm going to put less of a committed effort into blogging and more commitment into my novel writing. Well the blogging commitment fell by the wayside when I had the pain of last year anyway. Plus my writing blogs Writing2Live and Writing Zazen keep crashing my mac, so I haven't blogged on them in ages and ages. And my newest writing blog is a little forlorn...
I'll still be here of course and if you're subscribed through Feedblitz, then you'll always know when I have something new to say. But for now, I think it's time to move into an all consuming committment to writing my novels. I had a discussion with a work acquaintance on Thursday. Whenever he comes into the office he asks me what I'm eating. He is also into eating a lot of fruit and drinking fresh juices and the like. He was telling me about one of his coworkers who apparently is the voice of knowledge on anything to do with healthy eating. My acquaintance said, "I don't know how he finds the time to know all this stuff. He's got a wife and kids, he's an Engineer and he's smart!" We laughed about it and sequed into a discussion about finding time. I said that almost everyday of my life I wonder how women with kids get anything done. "If it were me," I said, "I'd be telling my 3 year old, 'cook your own dinner'." ha ha!
As an aside, my work acquaintance called me a geek! What the heck? We were talking about juicers and I admitted to having more than one, a magic bullit (which I killed) and a blender and he said in an amused voice, "You're such a geek." The nerve of some people's brats, as my mother used to say. I was so affected by that comment that I wrote a vignette about it in my notebook. I've never been 'such a geek' in all my life. ha ha! He stockpiles organic soap and I'm a geek?
But seriously, I'm really starting to see that I have to narrow my focus. I'm passionate about a lot of things and I can spin around jumping from one passion to the next in my special Pisces way, two fish swimming in the opposite direction at the same time. Hello!
The other inspiration that made me think about time, other than Geek Boy's comment ( *snicker* ) came from CJ Darlington's series Advice for Novelist’s . Sibella Giorello's advice is about sacrificing. Let's see where this gets me!
01 July 2008
You have to like when someone can tell you to screw off in a diplomatic way. Noel Gallagher of Oasis infamy was mouthing off that no one wanted Jay Z to performat the Glastonbury fest.
So what does Jay Z do?
He comes out playing the Oasis tune Wonderwall just to let you know who he's talking to. Then says, "I just got one thing to say..." and goes into 99 Problems.
I got 99 problems and a bitch ain't one! An inspiring bitch slap. And a nice mash up with AC/DC. It was the best celebrity giggle I've had in a long time.
So we're in Cancer now as of June 21st. I started to make notes on the previous New Millenium Beings but haven't got around to completing them. Ah What the heck, if you're that interested in them you know where to find them. I've mentioned it enough.
The last week of Gemini (June 16 to June 21) and the last couple days of mercury retrograde were filled with conflicting energies and all out craziness. Miscommunications were coming left, right, centre and off centre. Our office renovations were a mess. People insisted they'd booked the loading dock when they hadn't, people were trying to book the loading dock but had no information to give me. A couple people at work called me to train them on a certain system we use , because I am the expert, then proceeded to tell me how it should be done or just did it their way and then got pissy because it wasn't working. Hmm, if you're asking me to train you do you think you could just do it the way I've told you? I actually said to one of them, "If you know how to do it, why are you calling me? I have work to do." sigh
Then two of my girlfriends had a birthday and we were celebrating both combined. None of us could seem to make a decision about whether we wanted a psychic reading or not. It was the first time that I was cognizant of the exhausting energies swirling around the change of one sign to the next (Gemini to Cancer). So much so that I took the Thursday the 19th off. I was like, 'screw it, I am not going to be around people today.' ha ha! Oh yeah and there was a full moon in there too!
Work was a short day on Friday, June 20th and instead of my normal Shiastu treatment I came home to ready for the girl's birthdays. I made the mistake of watching Oprah and she had me boo hooing like a maniac! I went to take the bus to the restaurant because I figured I could get a seat rather then taking the subway during rush hour. WTF! The bus went into the subway lot then turned and went back towards my house! It took me two stops to get my bearings and decide what I was going to do. I took a friggin' cab otherwise I'd be late. I got to the restaurant and all of a sudden I was feeling off. They were taking forever to bring us to our table, our waiter took forever to take our drink orders and he had a fucking attitude, the girl I was sitting beside kept moving forward when talking to the girl beside her so I was totally blocked out. The girl across from me kept studying me sensing my out of sorts ness and I'm not used to being scrutinized. I tried to explain that dealing with men all the time can be exhausting and I go through quiet periods because I need to recharge but that I was fine. My two girlfriends, who get me, were fine. I said I didn't need to have a psychic reading but I was on the list. Everything was totally out of whack.
So I have the psychic reading and the first thing she focuses on is how out of sorts I am. Oh fuck! I don't want to discuss this!
But she gave me some ideas on how to get back to my centre, which is a good thing. And then the reading went in to freaky. She clipped into my creativity and just kept telling me stuff that was like the universe giving me permission to commit and focus on it. She talked about the struggles of working full time and trying to write in my spare time. She talked about a guardian hovering around me who I was never close to when she was alive and why she has chosen to be my guardian now on the other side. And all this was said after I sat down and said Hi! I didn't tell her anything about me. Oh and she has a cat named Gatsby! ha ha.
I wrote furious notes, like I do, and my reading was over. Being a person that needs to process what I've heard, what I've seen, what I feel, I didn't want to go back to the table and answer the inevitable questions. I stopped by long enough to say, "give her 2 minutes before you go for your reading," and made a bee line to the washroom. I got back to the table, looked at the table, looked at my empty chair did a full circle like a dog does before he lies down and said, "I'm going outside!" Said in that wacko almost scream, definitely too loud, crazed voice.
The scrutinizer says, "I'll come too?"
I nodded my head and flew down the stairs and out of the restaurant. The scrutinizer and one of the birthday girls joined me and chatted a little small talk and just waited for me to speak and surprisingly I spilled as I burst into tears. It was so weird because I'm not used to people being around when I go through my process. And I'm not used to people getting that I'm about to, I don't even know what to call it. It's like I'm open and there's too many energies coming through at once and I don't know how to put up the shield to control all the energies hitting me. Kind of like being stung by 800 wasps all at once, what area do you cover first?
Overall, it was an amazing reading and it was warming to actually open up and share at the time that my emotions were spilling over. And allow myself to be nurtured. It's not something I do often and I tend to feel embarrassed by it. On June 21st, I slept all day!
In Cancer I'm feeling all about sticking close to home. Cancer certainly is about the home. This past weekend, with a party a mere few blocks away, I stayed home and worked on my writing. I swear this is my first year of not joining in the Gay Pride Festivities. I realize that I don't hang around any gay men anymore. Not like I used to. Lately my life has been about all women. I've discovered that I have a half dozen close women friends. It's different for sure and really needed on the nurturing level, another Cancer thing. Especially since I spend all my work days surrounded by men.
I had those debates throughout the weekend about maybe getting out there and having some fun but I realized that I was having fun. I paraphrased Nelly Furtado's quote about working on her music which was, "When my friends were out on the weekends going to parties and having a fun time, I was at home working on my music."
And for whatever reason I'm facing off waiting. Waiting for friends to be available, waiting for men to decide their interest level, waiting until I have more money, waiting to write, waiting to live a meaningful life. Everything surrounding waiting. I've become so well versed at living as a single person, that's not a problem. But there are things that I think I'd like to do with people or that I think I have to wait to do until I have a running partner to do it with me. Or commitments I think I have to wait to make until the money is available...
A man was recently talking to me about whether he should adopt a couple kittens now or not. His apartment has small windows. He doesn't have a balcony etc. He said, "It's like trying to decide when it's the right time to have kids, it's never the right time you just have to plunge in." The first thing I thought was, 'Holy shit! What guy says that? Kids?"
Instead I said, "Or finding the right time to write."
And he's right we can always find an excuse or a valid reason to wait to do anything from adopting kittens to (the life changing) having kids and all the other wishes and dreams in between. So I'm thinking about waiting and asking myself what I'm waiting for, and I'm processing (like I do)...
Today’s podcast (Episode 4) from Dr. Eric Maisel is on Personal Meaning
His podcast is Purpose-Centred Life - A Plan for Authentic Living. His podcasts and others can be found at Personal Life Media
I've been kind of quiet. I seem to be in a big processing mode, processing all the energies and messages flying my way. It's all good. The messages make me think about commitment level and mine in particular.
It's funny how when I look, so many messages can come my way. This morning I watched my kitten Gatsby eyeing my baby girl Zelda. When Zelda gets worn out from Gatsby and all his energy and bites, she goes as high in the apartment as possible because little guy Gatsby can't jump all that well. He's still a little guy at 4 months old and having started his life almost dying twice. He still has breathing issues, he sounds like an asthmatic at times. But that doesn't really stop him.
Anyway, Zelda gets on top of my stacked storage bins that are stacked three high. It's taller than my shelving unit in my kitchen. It's the place she calls peace. It's one of the three places that he can't get at. "Ha ha," she waves down at him, "you can't get me!"
This morning I'm lying in bed taking my time with waking fully, enjoying the moment. It is a holiday after all. I watch Gatsby run in and out of the kitchen just pissed that he can't get at Zelda. He stops at the bins and stares them down. He runs back into the main room, turns and runs at the bins. His little paws clip into the lid of the first bin and he tries to scale up to the second lid. He doesn't quite make it and plops off. Doesn't the little shit keep trying? Doesn't he scale up to the third bin with his little feet clawing the third lid and I swear he was laughing at Zelda and screaming HI! HI!. ha ha.
He flings himself on to the kitchen table and jumps up to the top bin to harrass poor Miss Zelda.
My immediate thought was, "talk about using your individual way to succeed."
Zelda ran off feeling bitter, no doubt, and Gatsby chased after her. When she ditched him by jumping up into the bathroom window he turned on his heels and ran back into the kitchen. By this time I was in there prepping my fruits and smoothies and stuff. I turned to watch him scale all the bins, pull himself on top and lie down! I swear watching little dude is a daily lesson on perseverance. He rocks!
Eric Maisel's podcast on Personal Meaning didn't leave me with many notes. I wrote stuff like:
"You get to decide what meaning is in your Life."
"Make life mean exactly what you want it to mean."
"What does life mean? Whatever I decide it to mean."
"Commit, 'I intend to matter in my own meaningful way'"
Good notes but nothing to blog about. But it's funny that since the last couple of days of listening to that podcast, examples of meaning have been showing up. Like Gatsby.
And I caught a couple shows on Global this morning. You gotta love holiday mornings when the programmers don't know what to put on television and they end up putting on some stellar stuff, sometimes. I caught two episodes of a show about second chances in life. And it's Canadian! One episode was about a woman who has won a woman of distinction award, Kim Beauregard (I think). She was overweight, stagnant in her life, unhappily married. She found her individual way to success. She's run marathons then after an injury started body building, won strongest woman award, became a nurse, is a personal trainer/coach, dog walker. She went from no where to now here, as Wayne Dyer likes to say.
She made a brilliant comment, "Even when you're at the back of the pack, you're still a runner."
Ah Personal Meaning at it's finest.
The other episode was about a woman who was really successful selling cars, Ferrari's, Maserati's and the like, which she loved. She was one of the crew members for her husband who races cars. She was living a pretty good existence. She got back into painting while on maternity leave and realized that her soul had been crying out for it. She worked out a new schedule at work to enable her to have Fridays off to paint and by fluke showed a guy her paintings, who subsequently got on the phone and was able to bring her paintings to a showing in Chicago and sold them all!
In the episode she discusses the struggle of giving up a comfortable job with benefits to the uneasyness of being a painter.
The scary dream of the artist's life rebounds in my head on a daily basis. How do I matter in my own meaningful way?
18 June 2008
Wednesday 2:03am 18June08
Ah! We're a day away from the end of Mercury Retrograde. The last few days have been filled with communications issues galore! At least I know, so it keeps me calm. But some people who don't know seem to suffer from broken record syndrome, going on and on about the same thing. Maybe if I say the same thing again, I'll get different results. Maybe if I say the same thing again, I'll get different results. Maybe if I say the same thing again, I'll get different results. Yeah buddy, good luck with that action!
I had a contractor do just that yesterday at work. I actually started to sing while he was saying the same thing he'd said about 8 times. I told him that it didn't matter how many times he repeated the same old story the answer hadn't changed but to no avail. So there I was resorting to the la la la song that siblings sing to eachother when they get tired of listening. Okay so I didn't sing the la la la song because I had music playing. But I did sing the song that was playing, so it was close. ha ha! Where's my brother when you need him?
I finally had to send an email to the tenant, and the contractor's boss requesting that they kindly explain to contractor dude that in property management there are certain rules about accessing a tenant's space without permission. It has to be a life threatening emergency or something pertaining to damaging the building. I also mentioned that "shooting the messenger" didn't change that fact. Contractor dude came back to my office rather meek and mild but still proceeded to explain his frustration to me one more gain because clearly I have no grasp of the English language and must be told yet again. zzz!
When I rule the world, we'll be able to take off Mercury Retrograde, I'm just saying!
Okay so my friend called Gatsby a tuxedo cat. I thought she just meant that he was high class. It seems that no there is actually a term for the two colored black cat! Who knew!
16 June 2008
"I love you and I do what I feel is intelligent and kind and it may not match your request, but as a loving human being those are going to be my standards. I'm not going to sell my soul out, my life out, my self love and respect out to please another human being. That makes me a terrible teacher. We're all teachers and we teach through the way that we live. There's no teaching more powerful than that. If I live a lie, I teach a lie. I teach it to others and I teach it to myself. " Byron Katie
I decided to listen to another podcast while I was eating my dinner and taking a break from writing. I chose to listen to an episode of Conversations with Masters who is hosted by Life Coach, Mary Allen. Holy Cow! I think I found something to replace television once and for all! Of course that's because I decided to listen to Byron Katie first.
I've mentioned her once before in a previous post and everytime I read something about her work or listen to her doing her work, my brain clicks right into it and I have these great AHA moments! On the podcast episode which was from 2007 she talks to a woman who is having disagreements with her mother, as daughters will do, and Byron Katie discusses stuff about love. The above quote is part of the discussion.
How many times have we been convinced to do something we don't want to do, in the name of loving someone? How many times have we spoken up and said, "I don't want to do this," and the person understands or doesn't understand and we've chosen what we wanted, not what they wanted? I've done it but only after years of doing what the other person wants. I admit to it, I've been a people pleaser when it comes to people I love. But all I did was teach them how to disregard what I wanted (because if you guilt trip me enough, I'll give in) and push until they got what they wanted. Wow! Did I really type that? It's what fed into my depression so I might as well be honest about it and stare it down. It was the depression that ultimately made me less of a people pleaser with friends, family and ultimately the men that have come into my life and are continuing to come into my life.
Of course I've mentioned it here about a zillion times but spending Christmas on my own was a big challenge of not hurting anyone's feelings but ultimately it became about me being happy. It is a big example for me because it was such a hard road of accepting invitations out of gratitude and loving my friends and yet never being happy on the day. And more recently my best-friend in Montreal mentioned that I'd need to spend another Christmas with he and his family and when I'd explained that I love spending it on my own he said, "But you can't spend EVERY Christmas alone!" Yes! I can! Until I don't want to anymore.
Byron Katie gives this great example about her new husband telling her several years ago that, despite her having three grown kids and grandkids, he had never been around kids and he wasn't particularly interested in going to family reunions. She said she loved him for being honest, loving and kind. He didn't tell her that she couldn't go, he told her that he wasn't interested in going. So she planned reunions without her husband. She enjoyed the time she had to focus more on her children. She didn't focus on her husband who wasn't interested in being there for that event. It was fabulous if he went or fabulous if he didn't go. A few years later he decided that he was ready and told her, "I'd like to go to the family reunion."
Could you imagine? She describes him as, "an honest human being who knows what he wants and has a willingness to change it, but in his own time."
It's like having best girlfriends who meet the big significant other and then insist that the only time you get to spend with them is with the significant other in tow. You don't always want to do that even if you like the guy. But that kind of honesty can often alter a friendship forever but it could be because so many of us have the attitude that love means, "if you love me, you'll do what I want." That's not love.
I can do what you want for a long time, sometimes years, but eventually I will leave you and so abruptly that you can't figure out where the heck that came from. What happened? Where did she go? Where did I go indeed...
I've been trying my darndest to keep myself being myself as I get to know this man that I find attractive. As I may have mentioned before I often turn interests into plain friendships but if the truth be known with this one, I saw him first and continue to see him as a very attractive man. Friendship, Schmenship! Wow! I typed that too! I've become the giddy girl with giddy girl breathless excitement when he comes around. I repeat friendship, schmenship...
I'm happy to say that despite the giddy girl behaviour that I have been myself. I've used swear words in my discussions. I've said my wacky ideas that come to my head. I've complained about things. I've been honest about aspects of my situation/ environment... And attractive giddy girl inducing man will either like me or not and that's fabulous. Because if he decides he's not interested he won't be interested in me, not some girl that I thought he would be attracted to.
And when I see him again each day, as I do, I will keep more of Byron Katie's words in my head:
"We meet someone and then we turn into the person we think they want us to be. We say what we think they want to hear. We do what we think they want us to do. We become puppets, a facade. We become who we think they want us to be and we haven't even included them in it. We haven't asked them is this what you want. We just assume. Eventually when they do care for us or love us, or tell us that they love us, we don't believe them because they love someone that doesn't exist and we know that. Winning someone's love cannot be done. I cannot manipulate you into loving me."
15 June 2008
I've been collecting quotes from the Women on Top show that have inspired me:
"The seemingly bad things that happen to us along the way turn out to be the best things that coould have happened." Cary Menard - Erica Courtney's partner.
"Try and find something you like to do and try and have a nice day with it because those days will add up to your life."
"That's something that my dad was so big on growing up was just love what you do no matter what because you'll always be happy and it's so true you, you have to love what you do everyday."
"It's that slow burn when you just feel like you're going to the same thing everyday but you're not happy."
"If you want to do something and it's something you always wanted to do, you should just do it."
"You've got to keep it in perspective. You do have to draw a line and at the end of the day have a great life. If no, what have you accomplished in life if you're just good at your job."
Sarah Brown, beauty director of Vogue said about Maureen Kelly:
"(Maureen said,) ' I can't find it anywhere I'm going to make it.' And she is just the kind of girl who went out and made it. All of us dream but not all of us go out and do what we say we're going to do."
Scott McDonough, Maureen Kelly's husband:
"Success is important but it's not at all costs."
Anne Marie Kelly, Maureen Kelly's mother:
"She just never gave up."
"It's harder than you can ever believe, there are no short cuts, and if you pay attention you can do whatever you want to do."
One of the things I liked hearing about Linda Perry is that she is a self-taught musician. I get people who are self-taught. I get the drive and the passion, etc.
Any how her quotes:
"This isn't the life I was meant to live." She said when she ultimately gave up her addictions and focused her energy.
"My goal is to be the best that I can be and if I can help other people be the best that they can be on my way to this goal then that would be whoa, double whammy, I can get two for the price of one."
Deborah Lippman's stepping stone to singing is being a celebrity manucurist and creating her own line! Talk about taking a detour on the way to your dreams. It's reassuring that it could happen. She became a manucurist by day and lounge singer by night.
She went to New York in her mid 30's as a single woman to further her singing aspirations and fell into becoming the celebrity manucurist with an empire. The things that happen on the way to your dreams. It's such a wonderful reminder when you feel like you are off track that you can be off course for years and years and then be at your destination. I need all the hope I can get.
Her quote from Cher, "You should never do my nails again. Why aren't you singing? What are you afraid of?"
Her friend, Loretta Munoz said to her, "stop talking about it and just do it. I want to hear you sing."
Her mother would always remind her that she was in New York to be a singer, despite all the great things that were happening with her manucurist career (She did George Clooney's nails!). Nice!
Today’s podcast (Episode 3) from Dr. Eric Maisel is on Life Purpose Statements
His podcast is Purpose-Centred Life - A Plan for Authentic Living. His podcasts and others can be found at Personal Life Media
I have to admit that he tests my belief in how you can find inspiration and/or something you can use from all angles and beliefs. I cringe everytime he mentions that he is an atheist but in the same breath I hear him offer something meaningful or something I can use and it brings up the question that I heard or read once, "Do you know what kind of person wrote that cook book you use? Does it matter?"
So I have to ask repeatedly, does it matter that he is an atheist? Not really. He offers some thought provoking work. And as always, I take what I can use and leave the rest. But I thought I should mention it in case you decide to check out his podcast and think, "What the heck? The guy's an atheist and you go into all your issues about whatever."
The torrential downpour begins outside and I chuckle at how, if I hadn't made myself sit down and work on my weekly Support U promise to myself that I'd be standing in the middle of the distillery district with my wet clothes clinging to me like band-aids.
Anyhow, Eric Maisel callse them life purpose statements I know them as mission statements. I think they are pretty much the same.
He discusses his 5 steps for a Creative life as:
1 - Decide to matter
2 - you must make meaning
3 - Identify your life purpose and articulate your life purpose statement
4 - Hold the intention to fulfill your life purposes
5 - Passionately act to fulfill your life purposes
For number 3 - identify and articulate your life purpose, he has you ask, What are my life purposes? (know, articulate, memorize, & believe in them). What are your reasons for living? What roles do you intend to play in life? Those roles have to be about the stuff that's big enough to count, like fighting against injustice or eradicating poverty.
Then he gives the 5 components for your life purposes:
1 - Make use of your talents/ gifts/ abilities.
2 - Do so every day
3 - Do so in the service of truth telling and other important values
4 - Get satisfaction out of life
5 - Get satisfaction through love and work
and from all of the above make a Life Purpose Statement.
What I really like the thought of is choosing the roles I intend to play in life. I know most of the people like myself who identify themselves as caretakers often say so grudgingly. I certainly do. It can be exhausting being a caretaker to grown ups but when I take that natural disposition and target it somewhere else like on animals or children it's something that warms my heart. As most people know about me, if I could have an animal sanctuary I would! I'd be way too happy knee deep in animal shit knowing that I saved another animal's life and improved its quality of life. What's a little shit? Or even a lot? ha ha!
Clearly that's something that needs to go in my Life Purpose Statement.
What are my reasons for living? For me responsibility has always been another value that has cropped up. As I mature (will I ever really?) I see that not everything has to be my responsibility nor does what someone else says should be my responsibility. So the question I want to ask is, what will I choose to be responsible for? I neither have the motivation and stamina nor the financial abundance to save the world but to be responsible for my little patch of the earth. That's an idea I can work with. Because, of course, if we all took care of our little patch of the earth, giving, sharing, loving (and those who can go further than that actually do) -- we could heal the world in a day.
"Unlimited thinking lets you experience in advance the feelings you will have when you have received the abundance you want, and these feelings are the vehicle that brings abundance to you." Pg 8. Creating Money (Keys to Abundance) by Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer.
That quote made me think about being a child and looking through the toy section of the catalogue for Eaton's. All those little dreams my brother and I had for Christmas and Birthday presents. Those dreams of having roomfuls of toys. Those dreams of having everything we always wanted. It never quite happened that way, not even close but boy, were we ever thrilled when we got one of the toys we'd been dreaming about for weeks on end. Children are well-versed at abundant thinking. It's as natural as breathing. Somehow with the disappointments in growing up and others constantly telling us why we can't always have what we want, we stop the daydreaming and fantasizing and turn to worrying instead. Someone said that, "Worrying is negative creating."
I like thinking of worrying that way because it helps me to stop worrying about every little thing. Aside from worrying being a habit, I find I've used it as a reverse psychology thing. That silent agreement that maybe if I worry enough then I'll get the good things I want by default. You know, the cosmos or God or whatever energy is out there will help me anyway. And I have received many good things that way but it's certainly a stressful way to go about it. I'd much rather believe in a supportive universe. I sleep better that way.
I like the thought of tapping into my childlike belief in possibilities, that if you want it and focus on it, you're going to get it.
It certainly doesn't add any extra stress in my world and it gives me something to smile about.
"Live out your dreams in your mind; picture or feel yourself getting what you want; hear the words you will say to others and they to you when your dreams come true. Make your imaginings so real that they feel possible to create rather than like wishful and distant fantasies. Allow yourself to create a vision, to daydream and fantasize, and then focus each day on the simple, concrete steps you can take to reach your goal. There will always be practical steps you can take immediately to get there. " Pg 11. Creating Money (Keys to Abundance) by Sanaya Roman & Duane Packer.
10 June 2008
Her name is Gail Vaz Oxlade
and she has a blog... Gail’s Blog
hmm, and I've started using the money jars which are calculated once you fill out Gail's Interactive Budget Worksheet
p.s. have you noticed I've actually been putting the links within my posts? That's one step for blogkind and one leap for Shelleykind! ha ha. In otherwords, I'm a little less lazy!
"How do we determine what constitutes the right use of our time, mind and inner resources?" Eric Maisel
Today's Purpose Centred Life podcast was about Meaning Investments. Gosh I'm a woman that likes a good title! I like the thought of Meaning investments. Where do I want to make my meaning investments?
I certainly don't want to make it with watching too much television. My friend Lolo noticed since coming back from South Korea that she was watching television almost in a viewing frenzy. She couldn't figure out, at first, why she couldn't get away from the television. Until it dawned on her that when one show ends the next show begins without any commercials in between. "What happened to the commercials in between each show?" It's like we've been set up to continue to watch and not be able to walk away once we've watched the show we wanted to watch. You catch the teaser for the next show and get hooked in so much that you have to see what's going to happen. "I kept telling myself that I'd watch this one show and then the next show would start and I had to watch that show too!" She told me.
I got into this whole conspiracy theory with her about how we're suckered into doing things that we don't necessarily want to do but we can't seem to stop ourselves because the messages are so in our faces. Watch one show and waste the day watching a bunch of other shows you didn't mean to watch. Buy all these objects because they will make us feel better, look better, give us some imaginary acceptance. Get a mortgage on some overly big house to show that we are successes. Buy the latest clothes and be like the celebrities, never be caught dead in the same outfit twice. Oh and diet! Starve yourself, fast, do whatever it takes to be super skinny no matter the cost. We all know that we need to eat and exercise to get in shape but haven't you at one time considered not eating or eating just a little to get the results quicker? Thankfully I love food too much to get on that merry go round.
I've been catching the show Til Debt Do Us Part, since it comes on after Women on Top. (Catching this show I didn't plan on watching, isn't lost on me!) It's scary the debt people are in and the houses and cars and cottages they have that they can't afford to have. It really gives me a perspective on why I buy things and what I need and don't need. The thing that amazes most of the people that are helped on the show is their mindless purchasing. It also makes me think about mine as well.
Where do I want to make my meaning investments? It's a question I need to ask myself daily for awhile and link it to a supportive universe. I've been having a hard time getting up in the morning and then I'm rushing to get everything done including a good Kundalini Yoga practice. I find I'm going to work a little mad at myself because just as I'm getting deep into the practice, I've got to get up and get going. It was bugging me so much that I decided that I would add doing it at night before going to bed, something I hadn't added yet because I was too caught up in doing time wasting stuff rather than the stuff that has meaning to me. What a difference it has made. I do the stretches, a set and a chant and conk out almost immediately. I sleep right through the night without interruption (other than Gatsby deciding that 2am is give sleeping person affection time) and I'm ready to get out of bed at 4am without pressing the snooze button until 6:30am.
It's a small step to making change in my life and identifying and subsequently investing in what means something to me... Meaning investments.
08 June 2008
An article that I was going to post on my writing blog that also applies here. The full article by Jennifer Lawler is on her webpage. Her article is called Seeking Perfectioin: What it is...and isn't but I have a soft spot for Living by Kaizen, since I don't do any martial arts, I like the thought of applying the concept to life as a whole.
My favorite quotes from Jennifer's article are:
... in the martial arts, you train because you are a warrior. That’s what warriors do. And they do it because they’re warriors. That’s the only reason they have to have.
The idea of training just to train, of doing something for its own sake, is called kaizen in Japanese martial arts. It’s related to – although independent of – the concept of bushido, which is the ideal of the warrior, the way the warrior lives. Making kaizen and bushido a part of my life has been an ongoing experiment – and experience. Like most of us, I constantly struggle to balance all the demands on my time and the expectations – spoken and unspoken – that people (including me) have for me. But I am aided by my belief that the way of mastery will guide me in the direction I need to go, and I never stray from the path for very long or very far.
...living by kaizen creates a life filled with pleasure, validation that comes from within (and doesn’t depend on outside sources subject to whims), a life that feels more fulfilling and rewarding.
Moving towards perfection means deciding to care for your body as well as you can today, and then tomorrow and then the next day. It is about the process, not the end result. Each day, the attempt should feel good. You got enough rest for once; you meditated after work and that helped you feel relaxed; you had fresh-squeezed orange juice for breakfast and that felt nourishing. You’re taking care of yourself. It doesn’t matter if you ever fit into that size four. That is not the point.
Moving towards perfection requires
My new favorite show is, Women on Top.
I caught one episode purely by accident, as is my norm. It's a half hour show that comes on Monday to Friday at 7am and gives a quick and dirty biography of a successful woman.
Most recently I watched the episode on Jeannette Walls (Interview w/ typos) , a gossip columnist whose parents were basically homeless her entire childhood. She pulls herself up for success but lives in constant paranoia that if everyone finds out about her she'll be ruined. It's funny how when we come from certain situations that we automatically feel that if others knew about us they'd abandon us.
My favorite nugget so far came from April Barton, hairstylist extraordinaire. She said, "the Universe was always siding with me and giving me perks to make it through." Her back story was of a gambling dad who married her very rich mother and lost all their money. He then ran off kidnapping April who didn't see her mother from the time she was 8 years old until she was 15 years old.
The Universe was always siding with me and giving me perks to make it through.
And it's true. For the longest time looking back on my childhood that quote rang true for me. Even though I didn't have that specific wording.
With all the violence, chaos and turmoil, there was always an adult who took me under his or her wing and spent quality time with me. A friend of my mother, Giselle, who would take me out for lunch at a restaurant in the Alexis Nihon Plaza in downtown Montreal. Real meals like chicken and ribs, not the shitty fast food 'meals'. I would talk about things that interested me and she would smile and listen, never once telling me that I shouldn't dream this or want that.
Another female friend who got me to come out of my shell and voice what upset me within my family home, the unfair treatment of me, She told me regularly that I was her favorite of the girls (me and my stepsisters). I needed to be some body's favorite because I felt like I was in the way.
The man who I was raised to call Uncle Milton, who would come into my bedroom at night and sit on the edge of my bed and tell me/ remind me that I didn't have to live the kind of life that my mother was living. I didn't have to attaract a man who beat me. This was usually while my step father was in the living room yelling at my mother and telling her why she was worthless. Milton who would start to cry when ever I got mad at him during my teenage years. Milton who smiled at me with awe when I started to fight my step father. Because he knew and I knew that part of the reason why I started to stand up for myself was because of those late nights that he told me that I didn't have to and wasn't going to be that abused woman.
Imagine a man going into a 10 year old girls bedroom at night. The first thought is sexual abuse. Isn't that so sad? Today he could never do that and it was part of what saved me.
There are other adults who saved me. Adults who told me in words and actions that I was a valuable worthwhile little girl who they'd happily have as their own daughter. Did I mention that none of them had children? They were adults who recognized that the light was going out in my eyes and they kept the tiny flame glowing.
That whole supportive universe thing keeps popping up for me. It seems to be the big message for me lately. When I take a moment to slow down even for a half second I can find a message to remind me that I'm meant to be here just as much as anyone else. I'm entitled to the space that I take up on earth just like that rich guy or that beautiful woman or my boss or my friends.
There are things in life that will beat me down and there are messages from the Universe to remind me to stand up straight. That's what April Barton's quote means to me.
Another quote from April Barton, "Be who you are when you need to be, not when the public says it's okay."
The nugget today comes from Dr. Eric Maisel.
His podcast is Purpose-Centred Life - A Plan for Authentic Living. His podcasts and others can be found at Personal Life Media.
It's funny that it's so in keeping with Gemini energy and the mind. Everything comes back to our thoughts and how we choose to think about life/ situations and the meanings we decide to have about life/situations. I notice that the main words are about choice and deciding. It's always a challenge because information is being thrown at us from every angle. I think I've hit a level of negative information overload personally. I recognize that I need to balance the negative information with positive information.
I go to work and my single co-worker is always ready with a negative perspective on the most innocent conversation. Talk about fruit and he'll bring up some study that tells you if you eat too much fruit you're going to die. We're all going to die! Turn on the television and can you find more shows that are about crimes? I realize that I need to do a crime show fast. No more crime shows. It gets to the point where I either worry that some crime will be committed against me or maybe I should just stay in my house all the time. We all have that chance that a crime could be committed against us and we all have that chance that it won't. We have a 50/50 chance about anything that life has to offer. Why attract the worst side of the 50/50 chance with our negative thoughts?
I want to commit to taking responsibility for the life I've been given. I want to be more open to confiding in the people who care about me. Filling my mind with inspiration and believing that I can have what I want. I'm well-versed at getting what I don't want.
It brings me back to a previous post that we live in a supportive universe. It supports the thoughts and beliefs we have with physical representations of them. And it could be another meaning for Support U... Supportive Universe.
In my reading of others blogs and emails and the like I came across The Happiness Project. Gretchen (pretty lady) has spent a year (probably more by now) test driving every tip, principle, theory, and scientific study pertaining to happiness. What a cool idea and not all that far from my idea that I've had for several years to read as many personal development books and listen to tapes/CD's and now podcasts and watch positive television shows. I've done it haphazardly. But to commit to it? Not quite.
The main reason I got that idea was the realization that I have to do daily work in order to sabotage depression. The daily work is like taking the anti-depressant medication without the side effects. I hear they can be brutal.
It's the habit. We all find success by doing the work daily. Everything is daily.
Support U is the title I came up with for my personal project. I like the double meaning. Imagine if there were a university program that was all about supporting yourself... that would be Support U.
I'm not sure what kind of commitment I should offer as far as blogging is concerned. Probably the best for me is to commit to once a month and any other entries will be bonus entries. Because I'll probably post entries frequently but the project is really for myself so any entries that are too personal to post, I won't be posting. You never know how many of those there will be in a row. I do have my moments.
I'll offer links to any and everything I find on the net. And I'd like to cover a book from beginning to end throwing down some sweet nuggets that I find in it. Of course I say that now and tomorrow (hmm no June 30th - no more Mercury Retrograde) I will meet and fall in love with the man of my dreams, win the lottery (about $19million dollars), and move out of the Country.
tee hee hee!
So that's my personal project and I'll let you know what's going on, if you're still reading. And if you find anything of interest, that falls in line, comment on the blog for all the other three readers.
And just in case you don't bother to look at her website/blog, although, why wouldn't you? Here's the JK Rowling link to the commencement speech she gave at Harvard about failure. Very cool!
Wow it's been a month since I've been here last! No excuses. It's been 50% of good and 50% of a pain in the ass. Isn't that always the way? I've had big bouts of laziness and the odd spurts of motivation and I'm always challenged with finding my way through it all.
I've spent most of my time focused on my little kitten Gatsby, the pisces heartbreaker. He keeps me amused and gives me a loving, grateful focus which if you know anything about me, you know it's needed. What seemed like a crazy idea to most, adding a 4th cat to the fold, was a stroke of genius. Watching a kitten discover his surroundings and get excited over a crumpled piece of paper and other silliness reminds me to attempt to do the same thing in my life. Life is supposed to be an adventure, right?
Gemini is all about the mind. Has your mind been going a mile a minute? My mind has been all over the place but the thrilling thing is that I've had that Gemini level of detachment so the little annoyances haven't been quite as all consuming as they can be. Praise God! We're in the middle of office renovations at work during a Mercury Retrograde. Can you spell laughter?
I have to laugh because I'd lose my mind. Nothing is quite like the shop drawings that I had a hand in approving. The workers come in during the day and cause much disruption. Jackhammers are dead to me! I've breathed in more dust than any one person should ever inhale. I've gone home with headaches and sore shoulders from the tension. I can't open my desk drawers and sit at my desk at the same time. And what was going to be about a week of renovations has now gone into week three. We have a private pool betting on which month it will be complete and how many difficiencies will still be hanging over our heads. As much as possible I remain detached.
In keeping with the communication issues of Merc, people have been coming to me asking for help and when I try to give my help they proceed to interrupt me to tell me how much they know in keeping with the help they've requested. Oh, so you know how to do this then, you don't need my help? If it's my area of expertise and you call me for help, why must you insist that you actually know more than I do? I didn't call you. *sigh* Remain detached!
So I write notes in my handbook. I write about the peculiarities of others. I write descriptions for possible characters because we all know these kinds of people and sometimes (very rarely though, right?) we are those people ourselves. I feel like I'm making productive use of what could drive me crazy if I thought about it too much.
And back to Gemini, not that I left it. It took me forever to get the summary of all the previous New Millenium Being newsletters sorted through. Ahh in a year I'll have one done for each sign so next year I'll be more timely! The main points offered from Guru Rattana over the years have been to:
- Maintain a neutral mind,
- tune into your breath by slowing it down and breathing deeply,
- alternate nostril breathing
- train ourselves to listen - first to ourselves and then to others,
And in her most current newsletter she recommends for June:
1 - to not take yourself or every minute detail in life so seriously
2 - to make it your priority to uplift others and spread joy
3 - to make people and yourself laugh
4 - to change negative conversations into heart-felt connection
5 - to perfect our sense of humor.
Hmm! And Mecury is retrograde until June 19th, which means the direct energies don't really take effect until around the 24th or 25th. I'm giving it to the 26th to be on the safe side. ha ha!
I realized the other day that I got my cat Zoe, who died in November, during a Mercury Retrograde. Every thing that I was told about her turned out to be not what I'd expected. The ironic thing was that I had second thoughts about taking her because it was Mercury Retrograde but I'd talked myself out of the Second thoughts saying, "what could go wrong it's just a cat?" What could go wrong indeed. Sometimes I feel like a wacko when i discuss Mercury Retrograde except luckily I have enough friends who also believe in the strange energy to make me feel less wack-otic (my new word!) So I say believe it or don't believe it but keep a watchful eye out, regardless.
Rev. Sheri Kozdron whose podcast Angel moments by Angel Messenger I listen to gave me some keywords/thoughts for June.
Gemini - information, reclaiming our mind, how our thoughts affect us.
Focus on love, generousity, peace and forgiveness
Sagittarius Full Moon - Our search for meaning.
And here are some links to the people I've mentioned:
New Millenium Being Archives Scroll down to the archives. Subscibe to the list, it's worth it! Guru Rattana gives so much free information that you can spend years reading it all, which I have. It's what finally got me into Kundalini Yoga. I'm proud to say that I have finally bought 4 of her books.
Angel Messenger Rev Sheri Kozdron has both a podcast and a blog.
Starchild also offers energies to focus on, use, notice for each month.
04 May 2008
I'm trying to read through all the New Millenium Beings written for Taurus but am finding that there is so much in all of them that the summary I could write wouldn't be a summary after all. I laugh, as I did in Aquarius, that the issues I've been blogging about fall into Taurus territory. My whole piece on expecations...
Anyway, here are some notes gleaned from a few of the previous New Millenium Being newsletters written by Guru Rattana over the years.
From NMB #16 2000
I liked her three phases of Taurus the bull:
The Sleeping Bull
The basic lesson to be learned is to shift from a dependency on external values to a reliance on inner ones. Look at what you value most, how it impacts your life and how changes in your value structure will help you to achieve what you really want.
The Awakening Bull
dig deep to access hidden resources in your own psyche. Examine personal values and align them with your inner core and eliminate those that are a by product of social conditioning and poor parenting. Learn not to depend on the material world for your inner security. Free yourself of the bondage and insecurities caused by physical attachments whether they be money, possessions, situations or relationships.
Find more rewarding and less destructive ways to nurture yourself and express yourself freely. Learn how to reconcile, connect and align your inner and outer worlds.
My entries about Shiastu and Kundalini Yoga, getting into the body instead of just being in the mind fall in line with Guru Rattana's comments that "the body must be honoured and used as a vehicle for the higher expression of the soul. Your physical body must be cared for to facilitate the masterful use by the mind and emotions to serve your inner purpose."
The Awakened Bull
The touchestones might be, "I want what I have." "I have myself." 'I desire the light."
It is the way of artful, spiritual living. Your spiritual presence inspires, your expression of Divine Will leads. Your artistic expression of life frees, uplifts and transforms everyone and everything you come in contact with.
In NMB 17
she writes about Taurus issues which include the desire for comfort, security and pleasure. Basic questions involving choices of how to use our time, money and energy. We ask ourselves questions related to Values, Security and Foundations. What do we truly value? What will give us real security? What are our foundations and are they built on values that give us real security?
Taurus energy teaches about magetism. What we attract depends upon what we believe we deserve and how much we value ourselves. Taurus teaches us that we must find out what we value and protect ourselves from being influenced by external disapproval of our personal value system. Our ultimate security is built upon self-acceptance and self-love.
How do we tune into Taurus energy? Taurus makes us slow down. Taurus energy also grounds us and helps us be very present in our bodies and aware of the sensations in our bodies.
Taurus main attributes or words that describe: stable, loyal, patient, sensual, indulgent, stubborn, resistant, immovable, lazy, slow and attuned to the natural world. Our goal is to allow ourselves to experience these energies and then to work with them and allow them to nurture, sustain and teach us.
Taurus teaches us that one of the highest forms of healing is available through self-love.
NMB 33 is so packed with information that I can't even quote from it.
How we value ourselves determines how we spend our time and money.
In Aries we defined our self. In Taurus we plant our garden. We figure out how to support who we are, how we get what we want, and how to survive and meet our basic needs.
The first steps in self discovery are coached by Aries. Our Taurus coach introduces us to things, possessions, resources and value (both personal and material.)
Value - we discover what we value - what makes us comfortable, what things give us pleasure, what physical situations we feel are necessary for our security. We learn about what we have to Do to get what we want. We learn about the practical economices of life and that we have to make and have money to buy possessions and services. What we also learn is that the value we place on ourselves is a determining factor in our ability to manifest both the necessities and foodies of life.
The sooner we link the two together, the more we can manifest and enjoy what we acquire:
1) the things that money can buy and how to generate enough money to purchase them
2) What money can't buy - our personal values, our self-worth and our unique talents.
If we are too fixate on the status quo and too influenced by our society and family patterns, we may fall into the rut of following a pathe that our parents deem appropriate for us and live by externally defined values that don't reflect what really makes us happy.
And because there is so much on Taurus I skip to her most latest NMB #147
You can always subscribe for the actual newsletters that are always filled with lots of info
Taurus and Scorpio (The full moon is always in the opposite sign which means that the opposite signs issues come up during the Sun signs stay). Taurus and Scorpio work together to help us understand what we want and what we have to do (or not do) to get it. We need to commit to changing what needs to be transformed. We can figure this out by reviewing our values, identifying our deepest desires and defining our highest priorities.
- willing to work to achieve and maintain a secure, stable, material lifestyle.
- seeks to enjoy the peace of mind and the emotional serenity that material security and physical pleasures afford.
- needs to figure out how spiritual laws apply to the physical world and to learn how to function effectively in the physical world.
- involves learning about the laws of manifestation and the laws of attraction
The Taurus path requires:
1 - being grounded in the body
2 - operating effectively in the physical world
3 - being able to manifest and manage the resources to take care of ourselves
4 - experiencing spirit in our daliy lives
5 - attuning to and appreciating the beauty and sacredness of nature
Taurus needs to learn
1- to enjoy, not just be obsessed with the money game
2 - to establish a secure financial base and use it to take care of ourselves
3 - to overcome worries of not having enough
4 - to let go of anxiety about loss
5 - to enjoy and appreciate the wealth that it has
Taurus must build and be involved in some creative project to feel satisfied. Inner peace is elusive if we are not working with our favorite tools and producing something - music, arts, crafts, physical structures, or financial, construction or spiritual projects.
We follow our destiny path when we are engaged in divinely inspired creative endeavors. We can attain a level of contentment once our creative urge is appropriately focused and one pointed.
The Bull teaches us that right livelihood and work is a creative act, not punishment.
Yeah so I deleted what I originally wrote here cuz I now want it to be private!
nb: I forgot to mention in my Gatsby post that I'd also been working on going through my clutter again. I found a piece of paper that said, "be the kind of person you want to attract." As I walked out from having filled in the application for adoption and asked myself how crazy I was for considering the adoption, I answered , "If you want love, give love."
After my prisoner of expectations moment this week, I walked home Thursday after work and decided to go into the vet to see the kitten in the window. Sometimes a cat lover needs to tease herself. Can you feel it coming? ha ha!
The workers were all very friendly, got me behind closed doors to see the kitten and informed me that she wasn't the only kitten they had. Kitten in the window is a black kitten with white feet. The other two kittens, also girls, were all black. I was phewing all over the place because, if the truth be known, I want a boy cat. I already have three girls. Isaac says, "we have one more kitten. We keep HIM separated because he has the sniffles and is on antibiotics." Jessica returns with Isaac to tell me that itsy bitsy boy had rough beginnings and almost died twice but he's doing fine and he purrs the moment you touch him and he's really affectionate and we all just love him! He is 10 weeks old and is the size of a 3 or 4 week kitten. He's got the big forehead and expressive eyes much like Yoda, what all the staff have been calling him. Yoda is the spitting image of kitten in the window.
I say, "I'm all about rough beginnings!"
Jessica says, "Then he's your guy!"
Yes. I inherited my mother's love of the runt of the litter. I like to fill a need when there is a problem. My heart opens wide when someone is in crisis. But that is the height of being human isn't it? When that news story hits of major misfortune whether it's September 11th or Hurricane Katrina, or an innocent bystander walking down the street and accidentally being shot and killed and leaving his child fatherless. Or that little girl abandoned in the stairwell during the winter of which many famillies wanted to adopt. Heck, I wanted to adopt her. With the worst stories we all really step up to the plate to help out in what ever way we can.
So yes, what I'm saying is I've adopted itsy bitsy male kitten. He almost died twice and he wheezes when he breathes and he's the size of one of my hands and he's still on antibiotics (supplied for free from the vet). And since he's such a little guy with poor beginnings I name him Gatsby, after F. Scott Fitzgerald's character and the name goes nicely with Zelda, my two year old, named after F. Scott's wife. The big cats are all pretty bitter as what happens in the beginning. Zelda is too busy running away scared to really check the mini man out. Picasso and Quincy spit at him and spit at eachother and spit at a fluff of dust. But they're not giving up their positions on the bed although they give me dirty looks when I bring Gatsby up to cuddle.
When I went to pick him up yesterday, just about every staff member came out to check me out and say good bye to their favorite rescue and beg me to bring him in for a visit. Last night I chose a birthdate for him, counting back ten weeks from the day I met him since they weren't sure of his actual birthdate. Although I will ask again just to be sure. Ten weeks ago was still in Pisces and around my birthday. haha. So his chosen by me birthdate is Feb 28th. And he's a leap year baby like me.
What is more exciting than watching a baby something? What is better than to nurture and love?
01 May 2008
Prisoner of Expectations
Through the silence I find one of my big issues pop up. Sometimes I find I’m upset or mad about stuff and I can’t articulate what the main issue is. Currently it’s the business culture of recognizing some people with awards for service and continually bypassing others. The different rules for different people syndrome! I know it all too well. I lived it in my childhood home first and am still regularly faced with it.
Back in 2000 or 2001 when I was going through similar changes but worse, I went to see a movie Café Ole with my girlfriend Tricia. It’s a cute little Montreal film about a guy that does for everyone else and somehow his life is passing him by while everyone depends on him and takes him for granted. Towards the end of the movie when he makes a drastic change he says a line that spoke to my life and made me cry. Tricia and I left the movie theatre and I was still crying. We walked through the Manulife Centre and I was still crying. As we were about to leave, she looked at me and asked, “Are you okay?” and I said, “I can’t get it together, that line is playing in my head. It’s me” and we stood outside the hair salon that I’d worked at earlier that year as I sobbed in Tricia’s arms. It was pretty big!
Here I am, present day, faced with the recognition issue. I study the times I’ve been taken for granted or not acknowledged for who I am. I don’t do anything for recognition but when others are recognized for less than what I’ve done as part of who I am the red flag comes up in my mind and I think, “Humph! I’ve been doing that and more forever and not a soul has mentioned anything.” Interesting!
As a Pisces, just about anything you read says that they are always last and are used to it. They walk through life not being recognized. Blah, blah, blah. But seriously, is it because I’m a freakin’ Pisces? And of all the things that are Pisces, why does that have to be the thing that is true? These days I see the lack of recognition, the high expectations and the general taking for granted of, as a message from the Universe not to feel guilty about moving on and following my inner voice and what dreams she concocts.
I’ve come a long way since that day I cried in Tricia’s arms and it’s been a long road, with dropping friends and changing jobs and sometimes yelling or slamming doors or fire bombing an incendiary email as a last resort. But it bowls me over when it creeps back in.
It’s the reason why we rebel against our parents. We’re trying so hard to identify ourselves and to be identified as who we are separate from who they want us to be for their own comfort level. I never really rebelled against my mother while she was alive. Not on this issue anyway. I was always the daughter I was expected to be. I’ve always been the employee, the friend, the lover I am expected to be. I am dependable and available and cheerful to do it and I don’t ask for much other than peace. But where are the people who are grateful for people like me? People who can express their gratitude? People like me are so easy to take for granted.
At the arts organization I worked at for 10 years, my boss scheduled me for the shitty shifts and worse, with people she knew I couldn’t stand on a regular basis. If it was a festival, all the lazy asses would be scheduled with their buds and I’d be stuck with shady character like clock work. Lazy asses would ask, “Are you being punished?” It made me wonder. When I discussed it, I was either told that she depended on me or (the slap in the face) I can’t schedule every body only with people they like. Hmm, but you depend on me, isn’t there some reward in that? Even with friends in the past (people I’ve since dropped or limited my contact), there were the constant stupid situations I’d be put into. And it’s not like I never speak up for myself.
When I finally reach my limit because surprisingly, to every one who watches it happen, I do have a limit, although it can take years, the culprits get uncomfortable. Or come up with lame ass excuses. Most recently I was told that I had all these walls so built up that this specific person felt that he didn’t have to worry about me (that was when I was in pain for three months and I’d asked, what kind of friend doesn’t call or email even once). I was told a few years back that the reason why I didn’t want to be included in invitations that included these two women that I didn’t like (and said I didn’t like the first time I met both of them) was that I was intimidated by strong women. Those two examples still irk me. And at work, past and present, well there’s a whole whack of examples of interesting reasons that are never quite based in reality. *sigh*
There is always that air that something is wrong with me for wanting to break out of the mold that makes everyone else comfortable but leaves me feeling unfulfilled. That level of invisibility, not being heard, not being recognized, being taken for granted, who wants to be constantly jiggling in that Jello mold? It’s always a shock when I make that large sweeping decision merely because people haven’t heard a fucking thing I said. I say it in a nice voice first because I genuinely like those people. Then I say it in a loud voice because I’m nearing the end and this is my final warning. And then I leave and their so damn surprised.
Why do I attract so many people who need so much attention that they can’t hear anything but the sound of their own voices? I believe that I live in a supportive universe and obviously the way I’m dealing with this issue isn’t working. I need to work on my thoughts, my energy and my actions. That’s what I contend with. That’s what clanked around my brain at 1am when all of a sudden, I was awake with no signs of falling back to sleep. I sat on my bed with my journal and started to write. I turned on the television to CBC and lo and behold, Café Ole was on. The supportive universe poking me to see if I remembered that there was a line in the movie that was so apt back in 2000 or 2001 and it was going to be again if I was going to wait to hear it.
The character writes it in a letter to the lady he’d been playing the piano for on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays for $5 each session. I’d forgotten that she had said a part of it first, which was what propelled him. And instead of Malcolm Kaye, the character playing piano, the lady now has Sal there (a character who Malcolm also helped). Because when we leave, people always find someone else to take our place, and I need to remember that. She asks Sal to read the letter again and in it Malcolm writes, “I am not going to be there to play the piano for you anymore because I am tired of being a prisoner of expectations.” And she smiles because she was a prisoner of expectations and missed out on what could have been her one true love.
And when I heard it I didn’t cry this time but I nodded my head. Yep, I’ve changed some but I still have some work to do. And because I know the universe is supportive, I just need to get my thoughts and actions and energy in line and constantly ask myself, what do I want? If I believe that I am taken for granted, I will constantly be faced with opportunities where I am taken for granted. And people are so seductive in their guilt trippy I depend on you speeches but when I leave they always find a replacement. It’s worth repeating.
It was only supposed to be for a short time, in my childhood home, when all this began. It was so the step sisters would be comfortable and would know that they were welcome. Somehow there was always an excuse to maintain the status quo. And I never rebelled as all of us must, at some point, in order to grow up.
So I step into this full-fledged realization with a little bit of rebellion and an awareness that I need to do what’s good for me (which I’ve gotten better at). That there will always be an excuse, a justification to keep me a prisoner and I just don’t look good in prison stripes.