21 July 2012

I Need a Champion!

I feel like I've been so much more calmer inside since I had my "secrets" breakthrough. Something about that makes me feel like everything is okay and will be okay. It's a welcome change.

I've still been maintaining the, "Slow down, stop racing, and simply be," advice. As part of that, I've been watching movies. I don't have a vast collection of movies but I am growing a decent collection. My corner store started selling DVD's and I normally ignore them but last weekend I decided to ask the clerk how much they were and they are $6.99 each or 2 for $10. Really? hmm.

As I was looking at them and trying to narrow the amount of DVD's I bought, I decided I wanted to watch some movies on second chances. It's feeling like a theme for me and any inspiration is always good.

I bought The Vow with Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum.
Larry Crowne with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts.
And The Man on the Train with Donald Sutherland
The 4th movie I bought had nothing to do with 2nd chances but simply filled my 2 for $10 purchase.

So far, I've watched The Vow and Larry Crowne.
The Vow was surprising because it wasn't what I expected. It's the line, "I have to make my wife fall in love with me again," in the promos that is misleading. They really don't spend much time showing him doing that. They have one date and he attends her sister's wedding and then that's it. He backs away. It was a sweet film but if I were to re-write it, I would go deep into the husband courting his wife who doesn't remember who he is. Isn't that the point?

Larry Crowne I did like a lot. I liked the quirkiness of it. Of course Nia Vardalos was one of the writers and that makes total sense. Her best writing is the quirky, lovable characters who might be perceived as ,I hate to say, losers. They are the other people, the people that we don't rush to tell stories about. Not the history makers.

Larry Crowne as a character who had to start over, decluttered his life and downsized. And went back to school. And the gist of the story, for both his character and Julia Robert's character is it's never too late. A great, inspiring reminder.

Watching both those movies made me want to buy Eat, Pray, Love. Which I bought yesterday and watched last night. This movie I had actually watched before and ultimately bought the book and read it. This really is The Second Chances movie.

In the book Elizabeth Gilbert gets into excruciating detail of her 'male' issues. So as I watched the movie that information was in my head, even if it was more brushed stroked in the movie. It's important to know who we need to be for ourselves when we're in relationships.

I love the discussion of muffin tops and enjoying the pleasure of eating and no man has turned away a naked woman because she has a muffin top.

And the Italian's joy or perfecting of doing nothing. Dolce Far Niente. Yes, I thought of my 9 year numerology forecast when that was mentioned.

In India, of course, I enjoyed the struggle with meditation. The struggle to quiet the mind, to surrender, to give up trying to control.

And I loved everything about Bali, er, Javier Bardem. Really? Could they find a more beautiful man? I could be inspired by anything that Javier Bardem told me. lol

His comment about how she looks, "you are thin and elegant from a distance and then up close you are soft and fleshy!"

And what she needs, "You don't need a man, you need a CHAMPION!"

I feel like I shed emotional poundage this month. I've grown more comfortable in spending time in Dolce Far Niente.

And my take away tools for my Second Chances starter kit:

- A man worth his weight, will wait. I want a Champion. I want a man who knows how to court a woman.
- It's never too late for second chances. Declutter, downsize. Study and practice my passions.
- Eat what I love. Tone down the criticism on my changing body. I am 48 years old. I'm not going to have the same anything that I had as a 20 or 30 year old.
- Pray. I've got my Kundalini Yoga practice but I would like to add sitting in silence and smiling for 20 minutes a day. I LOVE THAT IDEA!
- Love. Love myself exactly as I am. And Love others more openly without holding back.

Oh and if anyone has any suggestions on any movies that cover "2nd Chances," I'd welcome them! :)


17 July 2012

July 9 Year - Breaking Through

We eat too much, drink too much, smoke too much and whatever too much because we're not always in touch with what we're really feeling.

I've been standing in quicksand this month. Stuck and not able to move forward despite knowing what I want to do and even knowing the steps I can take to do it. I have to admit it's been bugging me. Shit! I'm always doing this work, always looking within, always looking at ways to move past all the garbage I've lived through, the hurts, the beat downs etc. I'm always looking at the ways that I've played a part in all of it. Quite frankly I've been sick of it.

I've tried to adhere to Christine Delorey's advice to "Slow down, stop racing, and simply Be." Well that part has been easy if you put it in a being lazy perspective because, to me, I've just been lazy. On a more enlightened plane, I've been waiting for some answer for a question I haven't asked yet. Yes.

It's half way through the month and Christine always mentions to re-read the forecast for the month to find deeper meaning. Two things stood out for me yesterday when I re-read my forecast. The past reappearing and some secret that will surface. I kept asking what was showing up now that was like a repeat of my past. And what possible secret could there be left? I've dug through all the secrets.

It's a good thing that I believe in Christine's work because this month's forecast was a pain in my ass. ha-ha!

It says,
There is a strangeness about this cycle and you may be unsure of what your next move should be. You want to do something, but the feeling persists that whatever you do may not work the way you want, and may be a waste of your time and energy.

I have been weaving in and out of sureness and unsureness of indeed what my next move is. How do I keep motivated with my writing, work my two jobs and have a social life. It's summer for crying out loud, I can be disciplined in the winter months when I'm happy not to leave the house.

This fear of inadequacy is being triggered by the voice of guilt telling you that you must constantly be doing something – and that doing nothing and getting nowhere in this human ‘race’ is unacceptable. Stop judging yourself by these outdated standards. Slow down. Stop doing, stop racing, and simply BE. Accept the uncertainty of it all and know that no matter how much pressure you are under, the situation will change in due course.

First thought, "I don't know if I feel inadequate" and mid month, "okay maybe I do feel inadequate." But at least there is a positive that the situation will change in due course. More waiting but what the heck am I waiting for? Why can't I just plow through?

Be aware of how past actions have led to your present situation. You are likely to be more ‘alone’ than usual and, if not, then it is up to you to take some private time and space for yourself. You have some very important thinking, feeling, and healing to do. The question is, “What do I really want?”, which can only be answered by another question: “What do I really feel?”

I keep looking at my past actions but am coming up blank. I look at what I call my laziness. Whenever I say I'm lazy to others they remind me of all that I actually do that proves that I'm not lazy. But I always feel like I can do better. Last year I realized that what stops me a lot is that I think 'that could have been done better' about everything. It's a level of perfectionism that buries me.

I have been more alone than usual and that I've been mostly fine with. I keep telling myself that I'm alone because I need to be, if I didn't need to be I wouldn't be alone. But how can I use this alone time wisely. How can I do it better? ha ha!

And I've been constantly asking myself, What do I really want, What do I really feel? And I haven't always been sure about what feel I'm looking at. What do I really feel about work? What do I really feel about my life? What do I really feel about what I really want to do? Yes, I can drive myself crazy.

The reason the events of July are so confusing or contradictory is because your sense of direction has become muddled. The only way you will be able to see your options, let alone make a decision, is to go inside, back in time, and determine what it was in the past that led you here; to this state of being lost.
In fact, you are likely to find yourself in the past whether you put yourself there or not...
Look for a connection between mistakes you see others making and mistakes you have made yourself, as there could be a futile case of the pot calling the kettle black going on.

What is it from my past that has led me here? I do feel lost. In my 'lostness' in the first half of this month I kept trying to think of the past. What is happening now that 'seems' like the past? I touched on it a couple times in conversations but didn't really realize that that was it. On my walk with my friend I'd mentioned my frustration with some friends about how I feel like they punish me when I don't do things the way they want me to. You know, someone ignores me for awhile so I don't chase after him or her and I feel this distinct punishing energy coming from him or her?

And in the other conversation I was cracking a riff on being Brown Snow. I said that in my childhood I could compare my story to Snow White but since I'm a black woman I couldn't call myself that, I'd have to call myself Brown Snow. It cracked us up. But it did delve into the punishment for just being me idea that has been bugging me.

Secrets from the past may reappear. Deal with them because, in the 9 year, past issues that you don’t deal with usually find a way to deal with you. Either bring a secret into the open, or accept that the matter is unresolved. Then work through the fear or guilt you are holding in as a result. You may find that an issue no longer needs secrecy, but if you stand to hurt yourself or someone else by “coming clean”, ask yourself what would really be gained by making a painful revelation. Perhaps the only person you need to reveal your secret to is you. Or, perhaps someone else’s secret will be revealed to you. Maybe someone will shock you as they reveal how they secretly feel about you.

And that damn secret! I was secretly hoping that the secret was someone revealing to me how he secretly feels about me but then I realized I didn't actually know anyone who I wanted to profess some love for me because you know, exes are exes for a reason. And most of the other men I know are married and the ones that aren't, not so much. Unless Dwayne Johnson (the rock) appeared suddenly and saw me once and was completely dumbstruck by his instant love for me?

The secret about finding the bio-father isn't such a big secret except he doesn't know I've found him.

Okay Christine, you're killing me here!

Last night I walked home from work and as I was, I reminded myself that this alone time is good, it's what's needed otherwise I wouldn't be alone, in the middle of a Beautiful July. That I just need to make better use of this time. I got home and got my writing stuff all organized in one spot to dig into my novel rewrite. I attached my Livescribe pen to my computer to charge. Then promptly started to play Cubis and drink a couple glasses wine. Woo hoo! Better use of my time!

In my dream last night, my mother and I were looking out the window watching these grown men playing. They were helping one man move out and came across hot wheels and proceeded to set up hot wheels tracks and were getting the cars to do flips and stuff. My mother and I were watching them and laughing at how men can be boys.

I woke up at 2:15am. I had the debate about whether I should get up or sleep until 3am. I couldn't decide if that early was really a part of my normal early rising or if I woke up because the fans made me cold and I just needed a sheet to cover me. I tried to fall back to sleep but by 2:30am I knew it was probably my early rising time and I'd get up and do my morning pages. I can always go have a wee nap after yoga.

And my morning pages wrote themselves. My first sentence was, "Is the secret that I am lonely? And from there delved into what I am still grieving about men, about my family and feeling that I've done everything wrong. And I delved deep into what my fears are that are related to the punishing thing that really stops me from being intimate with others, sharing myself (my feelings, my thoughts, my dreams). It's causing me to remain stuck, this feeling that some of the people I trust and love and give to beat me down and don't value me the way I need to be valued. My hurt and fear is the quicksand that is keeping me stuck. Okay, I'll say it, I am scared to have everything that I want, I know I can have it, because I'm scared that the moment I feel good in it, comfortable in it, confident in it, some one I love is going to wipe it all away and it will be lost and how will I ever recover.

There's a lot more in there. My morning pages are three legal size pages after all. And the ironic thing is about that dream this morning. A couple years after my mother passed away a psychic told me 'when you're mother appears in a dream, ask her what she has come to tell you." Man oh man, every time my mother appeared in a dream I'd wake up frustrated because I'd forget to ask the question. It wasn't until I said good-bye to a work friend who had passed away, whose funeral I couldn't attend, as I was falling asleep I wished her well and told her to look for my mother that my mother would help her out on this new plane, that I finally had the dream and asked my mother the question. In that dream, like in the dream this morning, my mother and I were looking out the window watching people and their antics outside.

Some how those two dreams feel like bookends to me right now. And the connection clicked in as I was writing the dream this morning in my pages. I had tears streaming down my face and I was laughing. It wasn't the painful tears of release. It was the happy tears of how powerful our lives are and our value in life. And our connections to EVERYTHING!

And P.S. if the Rock would like to come meet me and profess his undying love for me, I'd still be okay with it.


05 July 2012

Live Now - Art Exhibit.

Last night I went to an art showing of Simone Frank's at the BAND Gallery.
Her exhibit was a series inspired by a bar brawl.
Her description :

About this collection:

"This body of work was inspired by an altercation I had with a man in a bar called The Painted Lady on Ossington Ave. in Toronto. At first he was full of compliments, but when his affections weren't returned he became quite ugly. Another man I met, a gentleman had just asked me out to dinner but instead of basking in that, the inappropriate behavior of his employee enraged me. I pushed him before he could hit me. He threatened my life verbally. Long story short, a bar brawl ensued. I felt quite guilty about that act of violence as I prefer peaceful resolutions. The incident inspired me to create this series.

The full story is told in a book submitted for publishing called, No More Kissing Frogs."

Beautiful work. I'm really liking the idea of doing any kind of series. I talked to someone last night about Ntozake Shange's, "For Colored Girls who have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow is Enuf." I've been carrying that book around with me since I recently watched the Tyler Perry movie for it.

Yeah I like the idea of doing some sort of series and looking at a topic or a feeling or an incident from every angle.

I'm glad that I went to the opening. Thankfully I promised myself that I would go to it no matter what and once I make a promise... I can be shy with new people. Even worse is I can talk myself out of going places because I get caught in what I think is going to happen and then I don't show up. I think I'm going to be the only single person and I'll be standing by myself in a corner trying not to look awkward. I've done the no show so many times that it really has to become the fear that I walk through. Especially since I'm always glad, at the end of the outing, that I showed up.

I've also noticed that I get shy about talking about myself as an artist. Simone introduced me to people as "my writer friend" and I got scared of the inevitable questions. I added the qualifier that, "I'm her unpublished writer friend."

I shouldn't have worried though. In a group of other artists, they totally get it. There wasn't that normal look that you get from people sometimes where you feel that they think you're not really a writer if you're unpublished.

Some of the different conversations I had with the different artists and friends of the artists were about self-publishing and e-books in particular and whether I was thinking about going that route. I think certain types of genres are more appropriate for self-publishing, straight to e-book. We talked about blogging and social media and putting yourself out there and how much do you focus on stats vs just doing your work and letting the right followers come to you. If you build it they will come.

Some one asked me if I did any other art and I told her about the two times I've met the cartoonist Lynda Barry.
How the first time I met Lynda, she asked me "do you draw?"
And I told her that I used to draw cartoons.
She told me, "start drawing again."
From that suggestion I started doing my scribble drawings. The 2nd time I met Lynda, I mentioned that she had told me to start drawing again and I showed her the drawings I'd been doing. It was such a positive experience. Lynda Barry is a wonderful, wonderful woman!

Needless to say, talking about myself as an artist/writer last night turned out to be good for my soul. I felt good. I felt comfortable. I felt like I was with people who understood. Which of course is the whole point of having a weekly artist's date, right? It's to feed your artist's soul.

And part of the universe's message to me of Living Now, I think, has to do with walking through my fear that stops me from going out and meeting new people. I always feel good after I've shown up. I'm still that scared kid who went to a different school every year. I just keep forgetting that I always made a new friend on the first day of school. :)


03 July 2012

Do It Now!

What kind of messages has the Universe been giving you lately? Have you been listening for them?

I've been going through at least a week of "Do it Now" messages. Everywhere!
I know what it is too. I'm feeling like I need to make some major changes and the big picture looks so daunting. Of course, I'm too busy looking at the end result, the realization of the goal as opposed to the baby steps that I need to take to get me going on the journey.

I'm feeling such a sense of urgency though, in all the Universe's messages. I'm feeling the sense of urgency and I'm feeling stuck in place all at the same time. But of course, as is normally the case, Christine Delorey's forecast for me for July is giving me suggestions on how to deal.

Slow down. Stop doing. Stop racing, and simply BE. Accept the uncertainty of it all.

And that's exactly what I've been doing tonight. Just sitting and relaxing and writing in my journal and giving myself some space to breathe.

The June portion of Cancer was emotional and moody and crabby. I went through four days where I was really struggling with depression. In a way that I haven't in years. It worried me but I realize my version of cabin fever is depression. I've got to be the Squirrel who plays and works. I've got to find more balance.

For the Canada Day long weekend, I played. I got out and enjoyed the festivities. I walked through a neighbourhood that I would love to live in and caught myself thinking about why I couldn't live in that area then decided that I would simply have a driver and the problem will be solved. lol.

On Sunday, I got freaked out by all the people out in the streets during the gay pride festivities and bee-lined out of the crowd. Heading home, I came upon a group of buskers playing some funky, horn heavy music and ended up hanging out and listening to them for four hours and making a new friend. Another single woman like me, just hanging out, checking out what's going on in the city and happening upon these crazy talented young men. We sat together and cracked each other up and pointed out good looking men and people watched and laughed like we were long lost kin.

And Monday I met up with my walking buddy to walk. We got our sweat on and caught up and laughed and made a couple beer pit stops and six hours went by in a flash and we were hugging our good-byes until the next time.


When I had all my neck and shoulder and arm pain, my physical therapist told me that I needed to take more breaks at work. Through our discussions over the months I went to see her, we agreed that the better way for me to do my work for my physical well-being was to stretch out what I was doing. Instead of printing three reports and going to retrieve them all from the printer at once, it's better to print one report, get up and go to the printer, print the next report, get up and go to the printer etc.

I need to do that in every area of my life. Slow down. Stop trying to race through every chore to get everything done. Take a breather. Go out and enjoy the amazing weather and discover what magical things come my way.

I get it now, the urgency isn't simply to do it now. The urgency is to LIVE NOW!

You paying attention to your messages? I hope so. :)