30 April 2008

Quiet Time

Wednesday 5:34am 30Apr08
It's hard to take quiet time for myself. I always think that there is something better that I should be doing, like writing or cleaning the apartment or having more of a social life or something, anything. But as I move into the second or third week of this I'm seeing the definite benefits.

I'm finding a peace within that I don't think I've ever had before. Heck, I know I never had it. The biggest change I notice is that when I get ticked off I don't seem to hold on to it for hours on end. I have my moment and then move on just as quickly. I've started this growl that makes my co worker laugh to no end. Whenever I get on a good rant and catch myself doing it, I stop the rant and growl like a dog. Ado and I have named it doing the growl since he too has started doing the same thing when he gets into a particularly strong rant. Apparently he's got his wife doing it too now. Too cute!

But back to the anger. I used to set myself up with getting pissed off about something and thinking or naming it as a bad day. "Oh this is going to be a GREAT day!" I'd say, with that attitude. Now I recognize that it isn't the day, it's just a moment and they all pass. Call it and move on. Talk show host, one of the guys I work with, likes to push people's buttons to the extent where they get so worked up they can't let go. He used to pull that shit on me and although I'm happy to say that it's been about a year since I cured that, I still get to watch him do that with the others. But my major amusement with him is when he tries to check and see if he can catch me with it and I show him once again that no, I'm cured!

With my biweekly Shiastsu treatments I keep listening to what my aching body is telling me. I can't keep going the way I was going without being in constant pain. My body keeps telling me that even though I feel young at heart my age is creeping up there and I just can't sit for 12 hours at a time without a break, working myself to the max. I've got to get wiser with how I focus my energies. If I hold my stubbornness in my neck then what the heck else do I hold in my body? Where do I hold my anger and frustrations? I read somewhere that arthritis is frustration. Don't know if it's true but it's definitely something to think about.

The last several years with the changes I've made about the type of people I allow into my life, I realize that I was teaching myself to say no. Ah the lovely word NO! So many women don't know how to say no. I've learned how to say no to those guilt trippy requests that people will put on you. I've learned how to say no to people who want to monopolize my attention but don't want to reciprocate with the listening part. I've learned how to say no to all sorts of stuff and yes to my sanity. It's amazing that there is still something else to work on. But with the creeping age, I'm getting more comfortable with that too. As long as we're alive, there's something to work on and it's good to be alive, right?

I've been listening to Cheryl Richardson's, "Create an Abundant Life" CD from my Simply Audio Book monthly rental. One of the things she says is, "A high quality life has a lot more to do with what you remove from your life than what you add to it."

Hmm, somehow it motivated me to go through my kitchen and purge the clutter. Why does one person need 50 coffee mugs? Yikes! It's not like I'll ever have 49 guests. If leaving the country is a possibility for me, I need to get rid of a lot of stuff. But in the meantime, if I want to make room for the good that life has to offer, it's time to get rid of all the stuff that I've been holding on to that I haven't touched in years and takes up a whole lot of space. Boy oh boy, those bags of garbage and recycling and stuff left for others to pick through added some serious breathing space in my kitchen. I've got more to do in the rest of the apartment and I'm actually looking forward to it. For the first time in at least a couple years, I can see the surface of my kitchen table. Not that I ever eat in the kitchen but I could now. What a concept.

It's funny how having a lot of stuff always seemed like such a great thing and now I'm getting how it's just bogging me down. Once I get through all the papers and things I figure I'll have the guts to go through my massive collection of books and let go of the ones I know I'll never read again. And at the very least, reorganize them. One step away from a life of pack rat insanity.


29 April 2008

Sprinkling of Inspiration

Tuesday 6:30am 29Apr08

Another month comes to an end and with each day I find a little inspiration sprinkling into my existence.
I'm constantly thinking about my next move, what is it going to be? I'm keeping some of my crazy ideas to myself because as often is the case, when I say what's on my mind, I get a lot of reasons why something can't work out by the naysayers. I get it though. I remember when Lolo decided that she was going to go to Korea to teach. My initial feelings were, shit what am I going to do without her? But what I said to her instead was, You loved teaching in Japan. This may be your calling. I realize when someone makes a big decision for their life that the last thing they need is my fears or my selfishness playing into their decisions. They carry enough fears of their own.

Sometimes people are just brainstorming ideas, which is what I'm currently doing. Sometimes people aren't going to follow through. And sometimes people are ready for a big change. We can't let the thought of our loss play into someone else's decision making. I'm just saying. It's been a year and Lolo just got back sometime yesterday. Her next adventure may be Taiwan or somewhere else equally as far away. When she makes her next trip, I will send her off with a big hug and a bunch of I'm going to miss you and I'll miss her everyday again but I'll be inspired that she is following her wanderlust and is making big decisions and she is living her life the way she needs to.

I came across an entry at the Writing Time yesterday about Al Kinspel. The inspiration for me was that he found love again at 79 years old. There is hope for me yet, apparently. ha ha! Click the title of this entry to read about him.


24 April 2008

Meditations for Crisis

Thursday 24Apr08 6:15am

I've found these meditations helpful when I've been really mad or down or out of sorts. The one day I came home and did one right after the other in 3 minute intervals setting my cell phone timer for the three minutes and restarting everytime the alarm went off. Within a half hour, I felt amazing and filled with great energy and it lasted for a few days. There are a couple that I can't figure out how to do but it doesn't matter, there are more than enough that are easy to figure out.

Meditations for These Times of Crisis

The following meditations were given to us by Yogi Bhajan many years ago.

These meditations were recommended to us by Guru Dev Singh subsequent to the September 11 events to assist us with maintaining our balance in these times of crisis.

Meditation to lead a stress-free existence.
It tonifies the heart and the digestive and elimination systems, and circulates prana to the nadies.
Sitting in easy pose, place the arms up at the sides at an angle of 60 degrees from the horizontal, with the palms facing up and inward. Elbows are straight. Shake the hands vigorously, allowing the arms, shoulders, body, and legs to shake along with them. Do this for 3 minutes.

Place the arms straight out in front, horizontal to the ground. Bend the wrists toward you, so that the Jupiter finger (index finger) points upward. The other fingers are curled under the thumb. Moving only the wrists, rotate the Jupiter fingers outward, then downward, then inward, then upward again. The right hand will have its Jupiter finger rotating clockwise around the wrist, and the left hand counter-clockwise. The arms remain straight and stationary. Try to keep the Jupiter finger in a vertical plane moving around the wrist. Do this for 3 minutes. Then inhale, hold and squeeze, and exhale, three time.

When you feel like you are in a hole.
Sitting in easy pose, hold your arms in front of your chest, forearms parallel to the ground. Place the right hand over the left, about 6 inches, pointing in opposite directions. Palms are facing downward. Move the hands in and out very rapidly. The right hand moves outward away from you as the left hand moves inward toward you. Then the left hand moves outward and the right hand inward.
Keep up this motion for 3 minutes.
Inhale deeply, hold, then exhale, 3 times.

Be aware of external events in a moment of crisis
Sit in easy pose with the elbows bent and the hands up at the level of the shoulders.
Extend the Jupiter (index) fingers up and lock the thumb over the other fingers.
Eyes at the tip of the nose.
Whisper the mantra: Aad Guray Nameh, Jugaad Guray Namay, Sat Guray Nameh, Siri Guru Dayvay Nameh. 11 Minutes

Translation: Guided from the primal core and beginning
Through every moment of experience and activity
Guided in your heart’s deepest truth and being
By the unseen Infinity of your highest self

For fear
Sit in easy pose and grasp the Sun (ring) finger of the left hand with all the fingers of the right hand. The thumb of the left hand goes under the right hand.
Chant Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Se So Hung. 3 Minutes

For grounding
Sit in easy pose with the hands in prayer pose.
Keeping the hands together inhale and raise the arms up straight. It is like the position for Sat Kriya.
Begin, as in Sat Kriya, chanting Sat Nam, pulling the navel with each repetition.
After three repetitions, slowly chant Wahe Guru as the hands are slowly brought down to the heart level against the body. Repeat this cycle.
Continue for 3 Min, increasing to 11 Minutes

To make you aware and to stimulate the brain
Sit in easy pose and place the hands behind the neck, interlocking the fingers.
Begin chanting “Har” from the navel point, pulling the elbows forward each time “Har” in chanted. 3 Minutes

This exercise stimulates the feeling of the the brain and makes you able to speak so people can hear you.

To become more aware
Sit in easy pose and bring the hands up in front of the body.
Cup the hands slightly and the begin clapping them together, one grasping the other.
Form the mouth into an “O” and exhale the moment your hands clap. 11 Minutes

Kriya To take away pain
A. Sit in easy pose with the left hand up as if taking an oath. Palm in facing forward. Stretch the right arm straight out in front with the palm down. Eyes are closed. Inhale through the nose and exhale with a cannon breath through a circled mouth. Move the right arm up and down powerfully 30-40 cm, two repetitions per second breathing in this way. 3 Minutes
B. Sitting in easy pose, reverse the hand positions. The breathing is the same. 3 Minutes
C. Still sitting in easy pose, bend the arm at the elbow and bring the hands up to the level of the shoulders with the palms facing up. Breathing pattern is the same. Hold the position. 3 Minutes
D. Sit in easy pose with the hands in front of the body, palms facing down. Begin striking the floor with the open palms chanting “Har” with each strike. 3 Minutes

Kriya for people in anxiety
A. Sit in easy pose with the hands in prayer pose in front of the chest. Then move the hands downward with fingers pointing away from the body and then back up again to the original position. This is a fast, shaking motion. Long deep breathing. 3 Minutes
B. Still sitting in easy pose, extend the arms forward, bending the arms at the elbow. Keep the elbows in close to the body, upper arms extend somewhat beyond the shoulder, palms are open and facing the body. Begin bringing the hands in toward the body and then back out again. The movement is about 12 inches. Form a circle with the mouth and breathe in and out rapidly through the mouth. 3 Minutes
C. This is the same as part A., only breathe rapidly in an out through the mouth as in B. 3 Minutes

23 April 2008

Day of the Week

An interesting post by Beverlee the Astrologer on her site...

Here's an interesting astrological theory from Robert Camp that I have found to be both valid and effective. It's your personal planetary cycle, based on the concept that the day of the week on which you were born is always your personal Mercury Day. The next day is your personal Venus Day, followed by Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune. See if you notice this pattern in your life. If you don't know the day of the week you were born, Click the title to be brought to Beverlee's site.

This is usually a day when you are involved in a lot of communications. This could take the form of phone calls, letters, maybe some short car trips. Perhaps you'll interact more with family members on this day. Things tend to happen quickly, without a long-lasting effect. In other words, the day's effect will feel Mercurial.

This is the day of beautification; a time for indulging in luxuries or sensual pleasures. You may want to get a haircut, treat yourself to a massage, or buy something beautiful. You could enjoy a fine dinner, go to the theater, or read a good book. You may notice that on this day you have a special need to focus on relationship issues.

This is likely to be either your day of passion or one of impatience and irritability with situations and people. Legal issues may come to the fore. You should have the necessary energy to get a lot accomplished on this day every week so it's a good time to begin a new project. Take care to avoid arguments, though, because you're likely to blame others for your own problems on this day.

This is your money day! In general you'll probably experience a feeling of prosperity and abundance on this day. You could feel more expansive and come up with good ideas for how to have, do or be more than you have been before on some level. In fact, this could be one of the days of the week you enjoy the most.

You guessed it: time to get disciplined and put some order in your life. This should be easier to accomplish on this day since you're apt to want to be alone anyway. So keep a low profile, roll up your sleeves and tackle any thankless tasks that have accumulated. It's a good day to schedule a dentist or doctor's appointment, too, since Saturn rules the bones, teeth and other health-related matters.

Time to break out of your routine and experience some freedom. You should welcome the release if you've been diligent on your Saturn Day. You could come up with some creative new solutions for problem-solving today. Hang loose, though, because there just might be some sudden and unexpected Uranian event to deal with.

Fantasy and escape time. A time for dreaming or daydreaming. Maybe you'll want to go to a movie or rent a video. Alcohol, music, meditation, a stroll along the beach -- any of these could play a role in your life today. And you may feel more spiritually "connected" to the Universe today so it's a wonderful time for learning about your own hidden dreams and desires.

Law of Attraction

Wednesday 23Apr08 5:08am

I've started a daily practice of spending quiet reflective time before I go to bed. It's my deliberate creation time where I just lie in bed and think about what I want next, what I want to create. I've pulled out one of my favorite books, Creating Money by Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer. I read a few pages and then contemplate what I've read or find ways to apply it.

I like the Jerry and Esther Hicks Abraham material but find for me that the Sanaya Roman stuff really works. What I like about her work is that she makes you think about the essence of what you want and it gives you something to do to create the energy behind creating what you want.

Almost everything I've read mentions spending quiet, reflective time, aside from meditation, to think and listen and currently it feels like the time for me. Plus it gives me the excuse to lie in bed. ha ha! My bed bought during the pain of 2007 (spit on the ground everytime 2007 is mentioned) is the most comfortable bed I've ever slept in. And considering how much I love sleeping, imagine a world class sleeper sleeping in a comfortable bed. You too would look for opportunities to jump into it.

But I digress...

Last night I read this quote from Creating Money on page 10:
"On the earth plane you learn about manifesting in a linear, sequential way. You get to think about what you want, you get to rethink it, and you get to try it out. You can say, 'No, this isn't what I really wanted,' or 'Next time I think I'll ask for something different.' You have the opportunity to play with all the things you create. ...Practice becoming clear on your thoughts before they are manifested all about you."

I get to a good quote and stop reading the book and reflect on that quote. So as I fell asleep last night I went down with that quote. What I've also started doing is in the morning, when I wake up, I take about 15 minutes or so to listen and ease into getting up. In keeping with that quote, my thoughts were swirling over the things I've deliberately created in my life and the disappointments. I'm actually really good at creating what I want but the disappointments or the things that are missing have stopped me. I started to believe that somehow I was creating bad luck.

Hmm, I'll quote from this morning's journal entry, since I seemed to explain it better there:
I've had some fear behind creating and attracting because I know I'm really good at it but I feel that when I've gotten what I've wanted that there's been some big nightmare attached to it. For example, romantic heartbreak; the working for the life coach nightmare; group sales at OSC, relationship with chronically unavailable man... I've attached fear to deliberately creating because it feels like it fucks up.
But I realize that I need to adjust once I recognize that what I've attracted isn't quite up to par. Plus relax and know that I haven't failed.
... I name a bunch of things that I've created that have been excellent...
But as with everything I can't stop there. I need to then contemplate what's next to attract. As long as we're alive we KEEP attracting. And as we heal we attract healthier. So currently as I attract and as I see what is missing for me in it, I attract what else I want. I need to stop forcing a person or a job into being what's missing. Look at what I've attracted and adjust the list. Based on what I think is missing, write up what I want and live the essence. Things become stagnant because my attracting becomes stagnant.

Anyway, that's the journal entry and I'm feeling like it was a good epiphany for me to move forward. I was being a bit of a perfectionist and when my creations weren't perfect I was disillusioned. I think that's really important for people to recognize who are all wound into the law of attraction movement. I don't think that it's mentioned as clearly, or I've been stubbornly missing that part all this time. But somehow I think that it's not mentioned enough that as you create what you want and discover all these discrepancies (can't think of the right word, it is 5am) that you then zero in on those discrepancies and rethink them, or say, no this isn't what I wanted, or next time I'll ask for something different.

Or, I really love this part of it but I need more of this other stuff.

I was going to sign off by saying, Okay KY time! But I feel uncomfortable calling Kundalini Yoga KY because it makes me think of KY jelly. Okay I'm going to go lube myself now! ha ha


22 April 2008

In a second

Tuesday 6:22am 22Apr08

I've been telling myself every day, "Your life can change in a second." Just trying to keep my head up and not get engrossed in the problems that can arise and bury me.
Your life can change in a second, as I drag my ass out of bed and start all that I like to do before I go to work.
Your life can change in a second, as I sit at work wishing for something different but not totally sure what that different is. It's hard to get specific when you can't figure out what you want to do next. Well I know what I want to do but I still need to pay the rent.
Your life can change in a second, as I pull out my mat and practice my Kundalini Yoga.

Over the last couple weekends, I've tried to relax. I'm always so full of what needs to be done that even on the weekends I'm doing some kind of work, writing, cleaning the house, getting groceries, doing laundry. The last two Saturdays in a row, I've listened to what I want for that moment and have basically napped a lot and listened to music and just relaxed without guilt.
Sunday night I was contemplating how to focus my efforts and build in more relaxation time. I logged into my email to send myself reminders to my work email and was surprised by a message saying that a friend of mine who I'd lost contact with had added me as a friend on Facebook. At first I thought it was another friend who I'm already friends with. Then it clicked into my brain that the last name was different and Holy shit, it's him!

We've since sent eachother a couple messages and in his first he asked, "Now that I've found you, when you coming for a visit?" He lives in and is from Australia. And so my life has changed in a second. I've been fantasizing about moving to Australia. And although that may not happen, it's opened me up again to all the possibilities that are available to me. The beauty about being a single person is that you can up and leave without a second thought. You can do some things that may appear to be crazy to others. That motivated me to face some issues that I need to clean up and I've since started the ball rolling in a big way to clean up those messes. Plus I've got something to save up for... a trip to Australia.

I've already researched where he lives and it's too funny. For years I always talked about moving to BC but that has since left my reality because it's more expensive than Toronto. Isn't where he lives in Australia like BC? When I came to Toronto 25 years ago, I only knew one person. So really, what's the difference of moving to Australia and only knowing one person?


19 April 2008


Saturday 19Apr08 4pm

I've been moving slow and trying to listen within for the next steps. I'm learning to be more patient with the process and reminding myself of some of the things I have learned over the years.

The main learning that I've been focused on is that I can't make any major decisions when I'm angry. Especially when it's an explosive anger, which it was about a month ago. In my explosive anger if I make a major decision it will be to shut down the shop and get the fuck out of dodge. But as I calm down and take the time to think I realize that I need to be practical and line up my bowling pins and get the focus needed to knock them all down with the one ball.
It isn't an easy thing to do. Our society is notorious for instant gratification and boy oh boy as my sister in law used to say, "God grant me patience but I want it right now!"

I'm realizing that I need to take more silent time. That I don't need the things that help me to avoid what I'm feeling like television or alcohol. In fact, since I've started doing Kundalini Yoga, I've noticed that when I think of buying beer on the way home from work I talk myself out of it. I haven't gone to the bar for a month. My internal voice reminds me that alcohol and heightened emotions cause people to do really stupid things, and who needs that? And the crap that we call television shows offer no real inspiration and help us to picture stupidity and violence and all sorts of negativity that we can't help but to attract more of it in our lives.

So I pull a boatload of books off my bookshelves. I read beginnings of books or flip through books or pile books on my desk for future use. I'm a little restless but I know it's part of the process. I either sleep too much or wake up after an hour or two of sleep and can't get back to sleep. My dreams are vivid and a tad weird and sometimes disturbing. Well, only one disturbing dream! I finally realized yesterday that if I can't sleep, I need to listen within and hear what it is that I need to hear.

One of the things I'm hearing within myself is about my stubbornness. Two days after my explosive anger I woke up with the sore neck and shoulders. I immediately made a Shiatsu appointment and as I was on the table and Julian was working on my neck I said without thinking about it, "all my stubbornness is in my neck." I was stunned about that in that , 'who said that?' way. After the treatment (getting beat up, as I jokingly told Julian) I wrote in my journal, 'my stubbornness is in my neck. What am I being stubborn about?' I still haven't written about it in my journal but it hovers in my mind as I go through each day.

I can of course be stubborn about my anger. Rehash my thoughts about a situation so I can't move forward nor forgive. So as it sits now I'm in full fledged coping mode. I walk with the protective shield around me. Which means that I share with limited people. I'm personable but keep most issues at arm's length. I'm in deep thinking, trying to make meaning of some of the issues that continue to pop up in my life. Stuff as far back as my childhood.

I face the jealousies. The first jealousy that I can remember was from my step sister who is also a Pisces. As children, I didn't get that to her, I had moved into her space. She was the oldest daughter and she had her father. When I came around, I became the oldest daughter and I had her father. Of course because she never lived with us, she didn't know the hell that was my daily life. She didn't witness her father's violence or demands or full out fuckery. When she and her sister came over for weekends and weeks at a time in the summers, the unspoken rule was that everything had to be perfect for my step dad's daughters. If he and my mother seemed like they were going to have an argument, he would drive his daughters back to their mother's house, then drive back for the argument. I never understood my step sister's need to compete with me especially since I felt no need to compete with her. But of course when you think that I am living some charmed life you're going to be bitter when you think it should be your charmed life.

Those type of jealousies have been popping up with me and although it is laughable, it really is quite disturbing and disheartening. What I notice is how some people are focused on keeping track of what I receive as if it's so much more than what they are receiving. The laughable part is that these people live in big houses, go on expensive vacations, have materialistic things and they are somehow jealous of me where it borders on a form of insanity. Seriously? When have I been on a fucking cruise? EVER!

I'm contemplating the childhood jealousy and the fake reality that my step sister was fed. And I'm contemplating the adult jealousies. I try to look for ways to reconcile all that is swirling around in my mind. What in the world does anyone have to be jealous about where I am concerned? Except for that small fact that happiness is free. You don't have to have material things in order to be happy. You don't have to go on cruises or backpack through Europe or hang out in some $80,000 a day room in Dubai to be happy. You can just choose to be happy for the simplest reasons. And that may be the rub. It took me three weeks to get rid of the all consuming anger that was raging within me and ultimately the only answer that keeps popping into my sometimes stubborn brain is to be happy despite the bullshit. Keep practicing Kundalini Yoga cuz it makes me feel good and calms me inside. hmm! And keep going for those Shiatsu treatments that take me out of my head and bring me back into my body.