28 April 2015


Tuesday 28Apr15

Every day he beat me down and beat me down.
When I went right he said I should have gone left.
So the next time I went left and he said, "why didn't you go right?"
I tried to guess what he wanted me to do before he wanted me to do it so I wouldn't have to deal with the criticism. I didn't have to constantly look at myself and think that I was wrong. I didn't want to be wrong or right. I just wanted to live in peace.
With my step father, I'd introduce him as my mother's boyfriend. He said, "Why don't you tell people I'm your father?"

He wasn't. He wasn't kind enough to me for me to have anyone associate him as my father. I didn't want anyone to think that as this man did something inappropriate, like yell at my mother in front of them, that he was my father. I started introducing him by name. Because if boy-friend wasn't good enough then this was my solution. Can you tell that I was starting to rebel a little? It was a childish middle finger.
He complained, of course.

"People will think I'm just some guy. Like I don't belong here."
I shrugged my shoulders when my mother told me about his issues.
I finally stopped introducing him period.
A friend or friends would come over. I'd say, "This is my mother." And I'd stop there.
There was that uncomfortable stillness in the air.
My friends would look over at the man and look at me. The man would look at my friends and look at me. I wasn't uncomfortable. I didn't say a word. He would introduce himself or not. I didn't care.

There are many examples of ways in which I was in the wrong for not being prepared to do absolutely every thing exactly the way he wanted me to do them. I may have had self esteem issues but I had a strong stubbornness that wouldn't allow me to make myself the doormat that he wiped the shit off his shoes on.

In the, 'what are the neighbours thinking,' anger that escaped my lips, I yelled at him. He'd been yelling at my mother in the middle of the summer. Windows wide open, the sun shining its large globe in the day, the neighbours sitting out on the front porch of the duplex we all lived at. My step-father and my mother were arguing. I was in my bedroom talking with my boyfriend. We tried to have a normal conversation despite hearing my step father's voice getting louder and louder.

In the living room, which was at the front of our unit where the wide windows were wide open giving our neighbours crystal clear hearing of the goings on, my step father yelled something to my mother about their sex life. Now it was bad enough that I had to hear this information, it was humiliating that my boyfriend had to hear this information but my rage at knowing that our neighbours were hearing this.

It was the first time that I ever yelled at my step father.
I yelled, "What don't you say that shit louder they didn't hear you on the next city block?"
My step father rushed to my bedroom with his intimidating, "What the fuck did you just say?"
And as my boyfriend grabbed me and held me back, I repeated in my loudest possible voice. "Why don't you say that shit louder they didn't hear you on the next city block! You want to embarrass someone? Why don't you try to embarrass me?"

And the yelling match went back and forth. My mother held him at my bedroom doorway stopping him from entering while he yelled at me about disrespect. My boyfriend held me, stopping me from going towards my bedroom door while I yelled back asking who I should respect. "You? What are you doing that I should respect?"

My mother eventually pulled him away. She was crying. He was grumbling about how she needed to do something about her daughter.

I looked at my boyfriend and said, "Next time, mind your own business and don't hold me back."

I wasn't scared of either of them. I was going to fight even if my mother had to cry, even if I had to burn the place down.

When I started to get mad at work. My biggest fear was being seen as an angry black woman. That term negates all the solutions I've looked for. All the times I was assertive and put down. All the times I've endured some bullshit rule that seemed to only affect me.

I had a manager who always insisted that my work was wrong. The signing off of my work was held up because my boss believed her word against mine. They'd call a divisional manager from head office to meet with them. The divisional manager would assure them, "Shelley is doing the work right. I'm not sure why you are questioning this... Still."

My boss would ask me information that didn't pertain to my job. I started keeping records so I could answer his questions. Come evaluation time, I wrote down that I kept these records. He said, "Why would you do this? It's ridiculous and a waste of time."
I explained, "You expect me to have the answer. I've told you repeatedly that it's not under my role and yet you continue to ask me the questions. So to save myself, I've kept records."

I was told not to keep those records anymore.

He questioned everything on my evaluation each year and he would laugh at me and say, "Oh I bet you thought I wouldn't notice that you hadn't done that."
"I have done it. I just can't tell you exactly when within the last year. From now on, I will put the exact dates that I do things."

All of my evaluations after that I recorded dates with any of my accomplishments.

For several years, I tried to guess what he wanted me to do before he wanted me to do it so I wouldn't have to deal with the criticism. I didn't have to constantly look at myself and think that I was wrong. I didn't want to be wrong or right. I just wanted to do my work in peace.

When the invoices came through the invoicing system I didn't know the accounts. I'd asked, "Since you know you are ordering things could you tell me in advance what it is and what the corresponding accounts are so I can code the invoices the one time and send them off to you?"

"I don't have a problem with you asking me for the accounts."

I'd ask for the accounts and he wouldn't get back to me and the invoices would bounce to him because they only sit in the system for a maximum of a certain amount of days. He'd email me, "why are all of your invoices bouncing to me? Why are you not processing them in time?"

"I can't process them unless you give me the accounts. I ask you for them and you don't get back to me. What would you like me to do?"

If you beat a dog, the dog may become submissive but there's always that one chance, that one day, when the dog sees you coming with the belt or shoe or whatever you beat him with. That one chance, that one day, the dog might attack you. Does that make him a bad dog when he just can't take another beating?

We want to say, get away, get out of it but how can the change be made? When we're kids we don't always have the choice to leave our homes unless we're runaways. We don't always have the other parent whose house we can move to. And why do we have to leave?
In a job situation, we don't always have the choices either. We can stay and document the abuses and go to Human Resources or Human rights or lawyers and be without a job, be without references and scared.

When do we become that abused dog seeing the belt coming and attack? What if the abuser is only holding the belt because he's going to use it to hold his pants up? How would the dog know?

One day I got all the paperwork ready for the staff meeting. My boss sent me an email with an attachment of pictures he wanted me to print off for the staff. He wanted a copy for each staff member. The pictures were in colour. Knowing my co-workers the way I did, I knew they weren't going to pay much attention to the print off. I had a choice. I could print off the pictures in colour and waste a whole lot of paper or I could print them off in black and white and make the copies double sided. Save a tree.
As I handed out the black and white printouts, my boss said, "Why didn't print them in colour?"

I went off. "If you want me to do something a specific way then tell me specifically what you want. I'm so tired of making a decision and no matter what decision I make you tell me it's wrong. You make it miserable for us to work here and if these people had enough guts they would tell you they feel the same way."

Was I wrong? Probably. But this dog couldn't take another shoe upside her head. Today it's a bark with some teeth showing. Tomorrow it's a bite and the next day it's a full on attack.

I'm one person who has tried to find the way, the path, to be assertive and speak up for myself. Ask for what I want. Ask to be treated with respect. We all have those examples in our lives when we've tried every thing we could and we reach our limit, don't we?

So many Black people in America have moved past the bark AND the bite. Even that isn't waking up enough people. How are we going to change this?

Pointing our fingers at the looters, 'THOSE PEOPLE, THOSE THUGS' is a distraction. They are not the point. There are looters in every instance of violence and riots. Looting isn't a black issue.

They broke the man's spine. Black people, even if they're criminals, are treated worse than serial killers. Has there been a serial killer that was denied medical help? You can imagine he died in unbearable pain right?

Black people don't want to be wrong or right. They want to live their lives in peace and have their fair share of opportunities and live with respect. We want to live our lives in peace with our fair share of opportunities and live with respect. You want to live your life in peace with your fair share of opportunities and live with respect. I want to live my life in peace with my fair share of opportunities and live with respect.

How are we going to make this happen?


Thank you to my friend Sarah Stockton for posting this link today on Facebook. I'd seen so many friends write statuses about the looters and I was feeling so disheartened that that was the only takeaway they were getting from Baltimore. Looting is not the only thing going on in Baltimore or anywhere else in the United States.

Now I wanted to say something about the fact that we have lived over these last two or three summers with agony and we have seen our cities going up in flames. And I would be the first to say that I am still committed to militant, powerful, massive, non-violence as the most potent weapon in grappling with the problem from a direct action point of view. I’m absolutely convinced that a riot merely intensifies the fears of the white community while relieving the guilt. And I feel that we must always work with an effective, powerful weapon and method that brings about tangible results.

But it is not enough for me to stand before you tonight and condemn riots. It would be morally irresponsible for me to do that without, at the same time, condemning the contingent, intolerable conditions that exist in our society. These conditions are the things that cause individuals to feel that they have no other alternative than to engage in violent rebellions to get attention.

And I must say tonight that a riot is the language of the unheard. And what is it America has failed to hear? It has failed to hear that the plight of the Negro poor has worsened over the last twelve or fifteen years. It has failed to hear that the promises of freedom and justice have not been met. And it has failed to hear that large segments of white society are more concerned about tranquility and the status quo than about justice and humanity.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
March 14,1968

14 April 2015

The Month of Aries - Guru Rattana

Tuesday 14Apr15

I'd lost track of Guru Rattana once she stopped sending her email newsletters each month and has stuck to posting on her site. But, lucky for me, she added me as her friend on Facebook so I'm back to seeing that reminder of when she posts her newsletter.

Speaking of being reminded, would you like to be reminded of my posts here? I invite you to subscribe to my blog. There's a little "Subscribe Me thingy there on the right hand side of my blog above the clock. It's powered by Feedblitz and you only get an email when I've posted on my blog. :)

Back in the old days of me blogging, when I used to blog daily, I would summarize her newsletter down to the bare bones.

I liked her comment/reminder of this month's newsletter : "As you evaluate your progress, move into the future, and continue to interact with the shifting energies this month (and every other month), remember that the planetary influences are not just active on a single day, week, or month. They have a cumulative effect and offer us gifts that we can take with us on our journey of self-empowerment, awakening, and self-love."

I always have a feeling about what I should focus on as her newsletter jogs old memories and cycles that I'm working with.

We're still in the month of Aries until April 19th and here are some tidbits that rang out for me from Guru Rattana's newsletter, Aries and New Beginnings:

The full month and beyond - Where have you noticed profound inner and outer shifts that set the stage for a new chapter in your life?
March 20th Pisces New Moon - take quiet time to be with yourself. Listen and feel deeply. Allow your soul to speak to you. Invite this total solar eclipse to help you clarify and affirm your highest priorities and values.

April 4th Libra Full Moon - the eclipse defines the areas in our life and the issues that we will be working on for the next 6 months.
Monitor where you are ‘being eclipsed’ from your routine way of thinking and being.
This is the third of four total lunar eclipses in a row. The first was in 2003-4 (What was up for you then?) and the next will be in 2032-33. The last one at 14 degrees Libra-Aries was on April 3, 1996. What was going on in your life at that time and how has your experience of those life challenges transformed?

The Aries archetype represents (1) the need and desire for new experiences, (2) the evolutionary development of our identity from ego to soul consciousness, and (3) building an internal sense of self that gives us independence, self-esteem, and the courage to face life from our own truth. To achieve these soul goals, Aries must overcome self-righteousness, inner anger, and impulsive recklessness.

Aries’ polarity Libra helps Aries achieve its goals. The Libra archetype represents the neutral mind, where we achieve the ability to be objective and acquire an attitude of fairness and compassion in all relationships, including our relationship with our own ego.

Uranus and Pluto are still influencing us through May 2016: we should have already (1) let go of some major impediments and illusions, (2) connected with a new level of self-empowerment, (3) know the direction in which we are going, and (4) be moving forward in a new life adventure. There is still time to catch this train, but it is slowing moving out of the station.

April 8 - Jupiter goes direct (I blogged about this yesterday):
we have been urged to release limiting beliefs about ourselves so that we can express our unique creativity and enjoy sharing our personal light in the world.

Upcoming dates
Saturday April 18 - Aries New Moon - The Aries New Moon is an appropriate time to examine how we approach and evaluate our lives. We are being supported to (1) renew ourselves, (2) liberate ourselves from past pain and struggle, and (3) more thoroughly enjoy the adventure called ‘my life.’

Taking a look at our mindset - We suffer from debilitating programming including, (1) The perceived need to be perfect. (2) Thinking ‘Something is the matter with me.’ (3) Believing, ‘I should have known the unknown in advance.’ (4) I am a victim of — you name your story! (5) My life would be better if — fill in your fantasy about coping out of your life lessons.

We can use the Aries New Moon to reboot our inner computer and start a new phase with some self- and life-affirming ways to evaluate and deal with our life challenges. Start by taking stock of how you have met the many challenges in your life. What have you gained from these experiences?

Thursday April 16th -
- make us aware of how we self-sabotage and to help us eliminate our victim programming.
- create the ground for self-empowerment at the most basic subconscious level so that we can trust our own inner guidance, be our own authority, and act with authenticity and integrity.
- inviting us to live for our soul and trust that the Infinite is always our partner in life.

Wednesday April 22nd - be honest about what we value, align with our truth, and take action to follow our heart.

End of newsletter notes.

I came across this article today by James Clear Using Bright-Line Rules. I like the idea of combining them with New Moon Wishes to create actions for my wishes.
An example of one of mine would be, "I only watch one round of the news each morning then turn the television off." (I find that the news can be like a negative mantra because I hear the same bad news repeated and repeated.)


13 April 2015

Melancholy Then and Now

Picture from The Color Purple Movie. at site www.screeninsults.com

I am a moody person. My step dad would be so thrilled to have me say this as he accused me of being moody when I was a teenager. I didn’t think I was moody then. I mean I WAS moody but it was because of the daily treatment. I hated my step-father by the time I hit my teen years. He had treated me unfairly when I was paired up with his daughters – different rules for different people. If anyone was to be punished without letting up or ridiculed in an humiliating way, I was the prime candidate. A person can only take that shit for so long. I used to love to tell the stories about what life was like when I declared war on my step-dad. I trampled everything in my path AND I LOVED IT! I was The lion mauling the lion tamer. The elephant trampling the abusive handler. The hysterical grizzly bear protecting her cub. Or Celie in the Colored Purple pulling the butcher knife out of the Turkey or ham and pointing it at Mister’s throat.

My subsequent anger (or bitterness) about the whole step-dad situation falls into the Projector description of bitterness in human Design. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to experiment with its truth. It all rings very true to me.

So much is going on for me emotionally lately and I’m trying to work myself into it and stay present.
It’s the thoughts primarily, the monkey mind that gets out of control. The wrong focus for my well-being.

Through my Human Design chart I am told that I have the channel of Moodiness 39-55

the defined channel of Emotional Moodiness (39 - 55) ... is subject to mood swings that at times can find her either depressed or elated. What she can learn about herself is that when she swings into a deep mood, she is reaching into her place of deepest creativity, where she accesses a part of herself that is profoundly connected to her Spirit. Chetan Parkyn
From the article about Drew Barrymore

Because being an emotional person who has to wait and go through waves of ups and waves of downs before I can make a decision isn’t enough I’ve got this whole moody thing going on. My biggest challenge with it lately has been about convincing myself that it isn’t depression. “This is not depression, this is what it is, a fluctuating mood that is a part of the way I operate. “
Because the Universe is loving I’ve received some answers to help me along the way.

Jennifer Hoffman posted this on Facebook on April 6th

Jupiter goes direct this week, on Thursday, after being retrograde since December 7, 2014. It is also at the degree it was in May 2003. That's significant for me because it's the month when I moved from Virginia to Phoenix, to begin this new journey that would involve being totally broke, nearly homeless, and denied a job I thought I had, which spiralled me downward into a really scary financial situation. It's when I asked God to take me home every night because I thought that my life was in such disarray that it was the only solution.
On the bright side, it also started my journey into acknowledging my spiritual gifts, and using them with a larger audience as I also met Archangel Uriel six months later, and started the website and newsletter. All good things but Jupiter can expand our challenges as well as our blessings.
Are you seeing repeats from 2003 now?

I wrote in response:
Shelley-Lynne Domingue, Writer - In 2003, I gave up my full-time job that I hated and TRUSTED that the Universe would provide. I worked very little that year and money kept appearing when I needed it. I took a writing course (week long intensive) that I'd always wanted to take but could never afford. I think it was in May that I signed up for it as the course was in June. There was more focus on our writing because of the SARS scare in Toronto, out of towners didn't want to take the chance so the course attendance was lower than it normally is. Wow it's good thinking back.

On April 7, 2015 Jennifer wrote:

Jennifer Hoffman
April 7 at 1:14pm · Edited · 
2003 has been on my mind because it was such a difficult year for me, where I had to face a lot of my fears, some of which I didn't even know I had. In that year, I became homeless, penniless, I could not find a job, I had to do work I never thought I would ever do (reading tarot cards and doing intuitive readings), and I faced a health crisis after being bitten by a brown recluse spider. All of that happened in about 6 months but the effects lasted for over a decade.
That cycle is coming around again now as I am being reminded of these issues and know that I can make different choices now. We can either repeat old behavior or do something new. If we repeat old behavior we will get the same results. If we do something new we can potentially get different results, as long as we are willing to do everything differently. We can't make one little change and expect a totally different outcome. It has to all be aligned, the desire for things to be different has to also be accompanied by the willingness to 'be' different, to shift our beliefs, thoughts, and actions to create a different outcome.
It's also my birthday this week, which is always a time for introspection and review for me. I like my birthday and don't see it as the process of aging, I see it as an opportunity to look at what I have done in the past year, to pull out all of the things I enjoyed and learn from those that I didn't. I'm already feeling the shift and know that this next year is going to be less challenging that those I have had since 2003.
If you're seeing the 2003 cycles repeating now, are you less afraid now, more aware of different potentials, and have more courage this time, to do things differently?

So needless to say I’ve been thinking about 2003. Because guess what? I got diagnosed with DEPRESSION in 2003!!! It was only yesterday that I remembered that. I remembered that some of my downspiral thoughts that I’ve been having lately are the same as the ones I had when I was diagnosed with depression. And then I asked myself to think back, “When was I diagnosed? Oh shit it was 2003!”
That recognition seems to have opened a door for me. It’s reminding me that my mental focus has been on the wrong things, in the wrong areas. There hasn’t been any anxiety but there has been a profound sadness. I cannot count how many times I’ve said in conversation, “I can only go so far in this conversation because I’m about to start crying.”
Not that I’m afraid of crying but time and place.
Anyway, it’s the recognition of where I’ve been going with my mind. How I can guide my thoughts in a productive way. Focus my thoughts elsewhere, like on creative endeavours.

Back in 2003 I didn’t work for the bulk of the year. I experimented with believing in the universe, that the universe provides. I relaxed, and money appeared when I needed it and when I was ready to go back to work I got invited to a 2nd contract position at the day job I currently have.
In 2015, a different potential is to trust in the Universe in a larger way. Not just job-wise but with any aspect that shows up. The whole situation with the George Clooney character of last year and the beginning of this year really showed me that I am loved and the life lessons aren’t here to hurt me. They are here for me to learn, to heal, to move forward.
Have faith. Believe, Trust. Relax.
I have to find my permission to simply be and focus on my writing. Whatever blockage that is still within me that holds me back from occupying my time by writing. Hand that blockage over to the Universe’s care. I feel like the messages keep coming, telling me that it’s okay for me to write and yet there’s a blockage that holds back my consistency.
In 2003, I took the Humber School for Writers program. I’d never been able to afford that program prior to then and yet without a regular job I paid for the program.
Financial insecurity has been a repeated theme of my entire life. In 2015 I want to get to that place where I believe, “it has NOTHING to do with money!”

In 2003 I had bouts of exhaustion and I was sad about friendships. I couldn’t see that all that time to myself was for my best. Or I didn’t make full use of all that time to myself. Although I did take a really hard look at my friendships and I distanced myself from relationships that felt more hurtful to my emotions.
In 2015, I get that everything is about extreme self-care. My loyalties can carry me blindly in the wrong places. And I can feel undervalued . It always goes back to my childhood best-friend who has consistently shown me how I need to be valued. Or in Human Design terms, who has always recognized me. We were emailing in March, he was making sure that I will include some Montreal time to spend with him in the summer. It was the way he let me know that he wanted this to happen, he was giving me lots of time to prepare for it and the way he expressed his excitement about it. Showing me I am important to him. We can say it but can we show it? I have to be shown otherwise I don’t believe. I also need to take a look at what and who I’ve stopped believing in (which I also did in 2003.)

Abe-Hicks has an exercise. At least I think it's them. I couldn't find it on their site.
A To Do list 1) Things I Intend to Do Today and 2) Things I give to the Universe to handle.
I feel it’s time for me to practice this.
Also think about what extreme self-care means to me. One of the items is writing my morning pages the moment I wake up. It really rids me of the mental chatter.

I was writing my morning pages this morning I wrote, I've been allowing myself to feel down. There are different levels of melancholy. Some of it is a feeling and some of it is about thoughts. It all beckons back to 2003 when I was diagnosed with depression. 2003 pops up again. It's about not repeating the mistakes from then...
For whatever reason I flipped on the television. I don't normally turn it on when I'm writing my morning pages but because the Universe is loving...
On Breakfast Television, Frank Ferragine (Frankie Flowers) was interviewing this kid. The kid says that he'd been depressed and his guidance counsellor got him, "forced me,"to sign up for different groups, "the more I got involved, the better I felt."
The kid, Shane Feldman has an organization called Count Me In. His advice, "Try new things out of your comfort zone."
The last thing I wrote in my pages this morning, "Funny Universe. I wasn't going to turn on the Television and you give me that little gift."

And Reiki Fur Babies posted the following picture that I came across today:

I commented - I've needed this one. Been having bouts of exhaustion and mostly I know it's about over thinking, feeling impatient etc...

And their response - trust your guides and the angels... when we get out of the way, and let go of attachment, magical things come in !!"

I invite you to answer for yourself Jennifer Hoffman’s questions
Are you seeing repeats from 2003 now? If you're seeing the 2003 cycles repeating now, are you less afraid now, more aware of different potentials, and have more courage this time, to do things differently?