Wednesday 8:55pm 6Sept06
It was a good timing sort of day. That good timing turned into unexpected enjoyment. When I told my friend about it, I told her in an offhand way as a response to her question. I wasn't going to say anything because somehow I couldn't express the joy and fun that I'd felt. I was almost scared to jinx it. She talked about how great it was for me and it was proof of what I've hoped for. Proof of a future grand gesture I've been silently asking for.
It's funny how I get scared of good things in my life. I want the good but then I'm scared that I'm being teased and the floor is going to fall out from under me. It's as if I can't trust and believe that the good is going to happen for me. It's about my thinking, I know that. It's the same kind of thinking that has caused my depression in the past.
After my lunch time enjoyment, I spent the rest of the day trying not to relive what had happened. I tried not to think about it too strongly. I tried to push it away as if it wasn't a big thing even though it had been to me. In fact during the enjoyable incident I'd slowed down overwhelmed with doubts. "What am I doing here? How could I possibly be enough?"
But I want to trust and believe. If I keep approaching everything with an overwhelming fear how can I expect to have what I want?
I allowed myself to think about what could go wrong... I could get hurt. Then I allowed myself to think about all the things that could be right if I allowed them to be. If I allowed everything to run it's natural course. I also allowed myself to see that I have all the power in my own life. I can decide what I want and follow up if what I want is a part of the package.
Things may or may not work out for me. Those are the choices that we all have. But with a depressive angle I can sabotage what I want and walk away telling myself, "see, I knew this would happen."
Today, at least, I found a way to sabotage my possible depression.