01 July 2008

We're in Cancer

Tuesday 1July 10:59am

So we're in Cancer now as of June 21st. I started to make notes on the previous New Millenium Beings but haven't got around to completing them. Ah What the heck, if you're that interested in them you know where to find them. I've mentioned it enough.

The last week of Gemini (June 16 to June 21) and the last couple days of mercury retrograde were filled with conflicting energies and all out craziness. Miscommunications were coming left, right, centre and off centre. Our office renovations were a mess. People insisted they'd booked the loading dock when they hadn't, people were trying to book the loading dock but had no information to give me. A couple people at work called me to train them on a certain system we use , because I am the expert, then proceeded to tell me how it should be done or just did it their way and then got pissy because it wasn't working. Hmm, if you're asking me to train you do you think you could just do it the way I've told you? I actually said to one of them, "If you know how to do it, why are you calling me? I have work to do." sigh

Then two of my girlfriends had a birthday and we were celebrating both combined. None of us could seem to make a decision about whether we wanted a psychic reading or not. It was the first time that I was cognizant of the exhausting energies swirling around the change of one sign to the next (Gemini to Cancer). So much so that I took the Thursday the 19th off. I was like, 'screw it, I am not going to be around people today.' ha ha! Oh yeah and there was a full moon in there too!

Work was a short day on Friday, June 20th and instead of my normal Shiastu treatment I came home to ready for the girl's birthdays. I made the mistake of watching Oprah and she had me boo hooing like a maniac! I went to take the bus to the restaurant because I figured I could get a seat rather then taking the subway during rush hour. WTF! The bus went into the subway lot then turned and went back towards my house! It took me two stops to get my bearings and decide what I was going to do. I took a friggin' cab otherwise I'd be late. I got to the restaurant and all of a sudden I was feeling off. They were taking forever to bring us to our table, our waiter took forever to take our drink orders and he had a fucking attitude, the girl I was sitting beside kept moving forward when talking to the girl beside her so I was totally blocked out. The girl across from me kept studying me sensing my out of sorts ness and I'm not used to being scrutinized. I tried to explain that dealing with men all the time can be exhausting and I go through quiet periods because I need to recharge but that I was fine. My two girlfriends, who get me, were fine. I said I didn't need to have a psychic reading but I was on the list. Everything was totally out of whack.

So I have the psychic reading and the first thing she focuses on is how out of sorts I am. Oh fuck! I don't want to discuss this!
But she gave me some ideas on how to get back to my centre, which is a good thing. And then the reading went in to freaky. She clipped into my creativity and just kept telling me stuff that was like the universe giving me permission to commit and focus on it. She talked about the struggles of working full time and trying to write in my spare time. She talked about a guardian hovering around me who I was never close to when she was alive and why she has chosen to be my guardian now on the other side. And all this was said after I sat down and said Hi! I didn't tell her anything about me. Oh and she has a cat named Gatsby! ha ha.

I wrote furious notes, like I do, and my reading was over. Being a person that needs to process what I've heard, what I've seen, what I feel, I didn't want to go back to the table and answer the inevitable questions. I stopped by long enough to say, "give her 2 minutes before you go for your reading," and made a bee line to the washroom. I got back to the table, looked at the table, looked at my empty chair did a full circle like a dog does before he lies down and said, "I'm going outside!" Said in that wacko almost scream, definitely too loud, crazed voice.
The scrutinizer says, "I'll come too?"
I nodded my head and flew down the stairs and out of the restaurant. The scrutinizer and one of the birthday girls joined me and chatted a little small talk and just waited for me to speak and surprisingly I spilled as I burst into tears. It was so weird because I'm not used to people being around when I go through my process. And I'm not used to people getting that I'm about to, I don't even know what to call it. It's like I'm open and there's too many energies coming through at once and I don't know how to put up the shield to control all the energies hitting me. Kind of like being stung by 800 wasps all at once, what area do you cover first?

Overall, it was an amazing reading and it was warming to actually open up and share at the time that my emotions were spilling over. And allow myself to be nurtured. It's not something I do often and I tend to feel embarrassed by it. On June 21st, I slept all day!

In Cancer I'm feeling all about sticking close to home. Cancer certainly is about the home. This past weekend, with a party a mere few blocks away, I stayed home and worked on my writing. I swear this is my first year of not joining in the Gay Pride Festivities. I realize that I don't hang around any gay men anymore. Not like I used to. Lately my life has been about all women. I've discovered that I have a half dozen close women friends. It's different for sure and really needed on the nurturing level, another Cancer thing. Especially since I spend all my work days surrounded by men.

I had those debates throughout the weekend about maybe getting out there and having some fun but I realized that I was having fun. I paraphrased Nelly Furtado's quote about working on her music which was, "When my friends were out on the weekends going to parties and having a fun time, I was at home working on my music."

And for whatever reason I'm facing off waiting. Waiting for friends to be available, waiting for men to decide their interest level, waiting until I have more money, waiting to write, waiting to live a meaningful life. Everything surrounding waiting. I've become so well versed at living as a single person, that's not a problem. But there are things that I think I'd like to do with people or that I think I have to wait to do until I have a running partner to do it with me. Or commitments I think I have to wait to make until the money is available...

A man was recently talking to me about whether he should adopt a couple kittens now or not. His apartment has small windows. He doesn't have a balcony etc. He said, "It's like trying to decide when it's the right time to have kids, it's never the right time you just have to plunge in." The first thing I thought was, 'Holy shit! What guy says that? Kids?"
Instead I said, "Or finding the right time to write."

And he's right we can always find an excuse or a valid reason to wait to do anything from adopting kittens to (the life changing) having kids and all the other wishes and dreams in between. So I'm thinking about waiting and asking myself what I'm waiting for, and I'm processing (like I do)...


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