Projector Island

Saturday 19Nov16

I've been working through so much stuff that I stopped pressuring myself to get everything/anything done.
That everything included blogging.

So much has happened since my trip to Australia in February & March of 2014 plus happening upon Human Design once I got back. There hasn't been much to write about except for really personal stuff. My blogs are somewhat personal of course but there is some personal that I'm not willing to share in this format.

I've mostly been coming to this place where I've allowed everything to slow down. Stop chasing, sit back and wait. I've been fighting it too mind you. Returning from my trip to Australia was definitely the dividing point where my social life got even slower than it has ever been. Finding ways to accept this fact without bitterness. Finding ways to understand that there are lulls. Finding ways to accept that there are lulls. Acceptance ahh! Acceptance.

I'm not going to lie. I was pissed at friends who I'd bought presents for who I never did see. I've since given those presents to other people. I was pissed at making contact attempts that I knew were read but people/friends just never seemed to respond to. I swear I felt like I was being punished for finally having something good and as big as Australia happen in my life.

Does anyone else try to force things, push things forward, rail against what is, to change it into something better than what is? I'm learning how to calm that noise. I'm learning how to be present to what is right in front of me. The Police horse with the blinders that blocks the peripheral vision of all the traffic to the left and right that keeps her from getting spooked.

I have moved to Projector island. On Projector island I go about my day to day. I allow the Universe to guide me and tell me who is meant to be in my life by the invitations I receive, finding my clarity on whether or not I want to accept those invitations and the energy that is there or isn't there for the invitations. It's been pretty quiet on Projector Island but quiet has its place. I often forget that.

In the quiet, I've had time to focus on what type of invitations I would like to be prepared for. I'm learning how to save money. Substantial money. Saving for trips I'd like to take. Saving to move. Saving for those magical rare invitations that do come, that will come. I'm starting to believe that being a projector can be wonderful if you open up your belief system and allow the magic. You have to have faith in some magic.

There's that old question, "If you were stranded on an island what would you want to have with you?"

One of those things for me is magic.

As I slowly study Human Design and the slowness of any action in being a projector the image is of a person, me, going on my merry way with my aura radiating and touching others. It's in the way my aura touches others that bring on the invitations or not. When I explained it to a fellow projector friend of mine I said to her, "it's like sitting in a public place reading a book that you are totally engrossed in."

Someone will see you and comment, "You look like you're really enjoying that book!" An invitation.
There are different ways that you react.
With one person you will say, "Yes it's fantastic!" And you'll give them an enthusiastic synopsis.
With another person you will smile and nod your head and go right back to reading.

Life on Projector Island is like reading a book. That is all I need to do. And my aura does all the attracting for me.

I was simply doing my job when I responded to Kyle's email. He needed me to book the loading dock for him and I did. Once everything was said and done, a day or so later, I got an email that said that Kyle wanted to connect on linked in. I accepted his request and didn't think much more of it.

Earlier this month I received a message from Kyle inviting me to a Black Bloggers United meet up. The best part about the invitation is that the meet up was a few blocks away from where I live. I gave myself some time to find the clarity and then accepted the invitation.

The magic part is that for the last couple of months I've kept planning to go out on a Saturday and find a public place to sit and work on my blogs. I know it's the energy of other peoples auras that fuel me. I still hadn't managed to actually get out of the house up to this point. I've been working both jobs on Fridays. So much has changed at my day job. On Fridays I work a full 8 hours at my day job and a full 8 hours at the part time job so by the time I get home on Saturday mornings I've been up close to 24 hours. Needless to say I've been sleeping the bulk of the day on Saturdays and ordering take out because I can't get my act together to get groceries.

This morning I was up at 10am, bathed and ready to meet up with the group. And I was excited. In Human Design the right invitation gives a Projector the energy. I got to the meet up on time and got to meet Kyle and his beautiful wife Nicole and the other people that showed up. Nicole runs the Toronto chapter of Black Bloggers United. I had to laugh too because isn't it always the way that when you're in a group of new people the people look familiar? The best part was that I'd just read a blog entry last week from Black Foodie.

I had a lovely time with these new beautiful, knowledgeable people who are looking to be supported and provide support. Ideas were shared on how to make our blogs better. The bulk of the bloggers use their blogs for business, something I may do eventually. I am still in the personal blog stage while I discover what 'guiding' projector role I have to play. It still was a validation of me blogging.

I'd only mentioned this blog. I wasn't sure if I was going to even discuss Human Design at all. But then through the course of the conversations and a comment about getting people to show up to events I mentioned an aspect of advertising that takes into consideration the different Human Design types. I then said that I have another blog that is only about Human Design. I never tell anyone about that blog (it is followed by people who are into Human design). And there was real interest in it which was pleasing.

Another comment about energy gained from invitations... Over the last couple weeks I've been filling my little writer's note book with ideas for blog entries. Something I haven't done in so long. I've been playing with possible directions that I might take. Being calm and present.

EY

Check out the people I met today:
Nicole Nurse

Dwainia Gray

Michelle Joseph

Eden Hagos

Adam H.C. Myrie

The Pressure to Clone

I walk to work. I've got my Ipod ears on. I find that right rhythm in my step and I observe. How different we are.

Yesterday morning it was still a little warm out after a long weekend of near Summer temperatures. I know it's going to be cold though, later at night, when I'm heading home from my part time gig. It's going to go from a 17 degrees celsius to a 4 degrees and wind. I'm wearing my quilted Canada jacket that I wear through most of the winter unless it's those real polar bear frigid temperatures.

I round the corner through the University grounds and come across a University student, she's wearing a tank and shorts jumpsuit and flip flops. I smile. I love our differences when the weather is in transition. I can stand at the corner waiting for the street light to change from red to green and there's a person in a jump suit, a person in a full on winter coat and toque. I'm always amused by the winter coat and the flip flops combination. Is that like sleeping with one leg sticking out of the covers to balance out your body temperature?

This morning Frankie Flowers (on Breakfast Television) announced there was a windchill. I'm getting ready for work, assessing how I'm going to dress, "A windchill? What the? I'm putting on a turtle neck and I don't care if anyone mocks me."

People watching, this morning, left me zipping my Canada jacket right up and turning up the neck for a little more protection. I did a little shiver shake looking at pretty sundresses and bare feet in flip flops and shorts and t-shirts. "dese peeples cray-zay!"

I remember the year I worked with a manager Jessica who as I walked into the office first thing in the morning, without saying good morning first said, "You're dressed ridiculously, it's not THAT cold out!"
I snapped back, "Yes you're right. I'm dressed this way because I'm seeking attention. I should dress the way you say I should dress because you're not cold."
Then I gave her that cold stare that I have in the morning, that 'don't piss me off first thing in the morning because I have no filters' stare.

We are so different. And yet we tend to question each other with the underlying tone of, "why aren't we the same?" Why aren't I like you, why aren't you like me?

I've been really practicing relaxing into my life this year. Part of my theme this year is to be present. Being present brings me to interesting places.
In my mind, I start with the t-shirt, shorts and flip flops. I go through those few questions, "Doesn't he know there's a windchill? Does he really think that's appropriate clothing for this weather? What's he going to wear when it's actually hot out?"

Then all of a sudden, my mind goes swimming. All of these thoughts brush up against me.

It's cold for me. Me. So I dress appropriately for how it feels to me. What if every single person I see is dressed appropriately for how the weather feels for them?
"It's not THAT cold out!" for them

This little monologue goes off in my mind. We can't really expect everyone to wear the same kind of layers, to walk around all bundled up, to wear the same type of clothes as we are. Like clones.

I digress to the question, has anyone watched the series Orphan Black? Not only am I in love with Tatiana Maslany because she is a superstar in that show, she plays a bunch of clones. And the clones are very different.

For us though, clones would be identical in every way. Weren't the clones in Michael Keaton's movie multiplicity all the same?
My mind bounces over to the pressure to be clones.

If you're single you're constantly asked if you've met someone because we're all meant to be with someone, right?
If you're with someone you're constantly asked when you're getting married because we're all meant to marry that particular person we're with. None of us has ever dated anyone before the person we're with.
If you're married you're constantly asked when you're going to have kids because no couple has ever made it past child-bearing years without having children.
If you live in an apartment why don't you buy a condo? If you live in a condo, when are you going to buy a house?
You know that saying there's no stupid questions? All of those are stupid questions.

One of the topics in my Human Design study brings up frequently how we are raised to live as the other (not ourselves, HD calls it Notself).
We're raised to be Manifestors... go out and get it.
If we are not Manifestors and we don't succeed at trying to live a Manifestors life we question ourselves, what's wrong with me?
Others question us, What's wrong with you that you can't have this or that? Why can't you apply yourself? Why are you always quitting? Why can't you make up your mind?
Do you have that friend where nothing seems to work out in their life? Am I that friend? hahaha!

I've been learning how to relax into my life, every aspect of my life, exactly the way it is. Look at that thing that kind of pisses me off and be relaxed and okay with it. The rush and anxiety to change what I don't like about my life has gotten me into some of the needless skirmishes simply because I couldn't accept my life as it is. I kept asking myself, what's wrong with me? Okay I'm going to go out and get it and this time it's going to work out. and it didn't.

One of my hardest issues to deal with is being single.
I love being single. I've always been okay with being single. I'm not the person to jump in and out of relationships. I believe that it takes a certain type of man for me to be involved with, to commit to and deep down I've always known that about myself. But the world and other peoples stuff surrounding being single kind of beats me down. It's been hard being okay in a world and with people who tell me that I'm not.

I have this stress when I'm going to meet up with friends. I have it when I run into people I haven't seen in a long time. I have it when I meet a new man and he asks how long I've been single. The stress surrounds me like a firing squad and I have to come up with reasons before they shoot me through with holes. It's about the meaning that being single has been given. Can I say that again? It's about the meaning that being single has been given.

Are you seeing anyone?
Have you met anyone?
Why haven't you met anyone?
It has all felt like, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A MAN?
I don't understand why she's single. It's not that hard to meet someone.

What was the conversation between Joe Fox and his dad in You've Got Mail?

NELSON: I just have to meet someone new, that’s all. That's the easy part.
JOE FOX "A snap to find the one single person in the world who fills your heart with joy."
NELSON: "Well, don't be ridiculous son. Have I ever been with anybody who fit that description? Have you?"

I've only ever convinced one person to stop asking me if I'd met anyone yet and that was my mom, when she was still alive.
I would get so frustrated with her when she'd asked me the question. "Mom, I've watched you with men, they weren't exactly gems."
She'd find a way to by pass that obvious observation and we'd go back and forth, me feeling frustrated, pissed off and finally like she saw me as being defective.

I finally hit the right note when I asked my mother, "What if I never meet the right man for me? What if I'm single for the rest of my life, are you going to continue to ask me that question for the rest of my life?"
She said, "OH! That would be a horrible thing to do."
"Exactly."
My mother never, ever, to her dying day, never asked me that question again. Of course, when ever I met someone and dated someone, I always told her. I always tell everyone. We all do that. So why does the question need to be asked anyway?

Plus being in a relationship, that was her stuff. It's never been mine. My stuff is, if he can't make me as happy as I am when I'm alone he gotsta go!

I remember, several years ago, being at my friend Steven's house and his friend Paul who had been consistently single started seeing someone who everyone felt was a serious relationship. Steven said, "I thought Paul would never find someone."
Taken aback I said, "Is that what you say about me that I'll never find someone like it's a problem?"
Steven didn't answer but I've since learned that that was his stuff. Steven's been single for close to 10 years now and he thinks he's a loser. It's not logical thinking!

I want to be able to face down, "Are you seeing anyone?" and be able to feel fully relaxed to say "No I'm not," and not take on all the 'What's wrong with you' projections. Be able to accept that I don't need to stop people from asking the question, they're not going to stop anyways. Get to a point where no matter what you think of me I don't feel the need to try to change it.

I'm really getting there. Plus it's not my stuff. If you think there's something wrong with me because I'm single that's because you believe that there's something wrong with you if you're not in a relationship.

I want to mention in brush strokes the stupidity of our culture and our questions (and the media feeds into it or perpetuates it).
The questions surrounding Jennifer Aniston since she and Brad Pitt divorced :
Is she ever going to find another man?
Is she ever going to get married again?
Is she ever going to have children?
Oh she has a man, oops she couldn't keep him.
The comparison of Jen's life versus Joli/Pitt's life - She couldn't possibly be happy not as happy as Brad anyways.


and questions about Oprah Winfrey:
Are Oprah and Steadman ever going to get married?
Is Oprah really okay with never having children?
She still hasn't married Steadman, How long has she been engaged? 20 years?
She and Gayle must be lesbians, right?

Do you see how we're making them wrong for having the lives that they have and living them? Projecting all this meaning on the lives they are living. Creating these questions that are not their questions.

Maybe Jennifer thinks that having that brood of kids would be a nightmare. Hey, I'd rather take care of that many elephants before having that many kids. I'd rather be a god mother rather than give birth to my own.

Every body has a different life. It plays out the way it plays out. We wear the appropriate clothes for the weather that we feel, not the weather someone else feels.


People live lives never becoming professional basketball players. It just doesn't happen for everyone. It is ridiculous to question people about things that haven't happened for them. That they may not be meant to have.

What if this singleness is my journey? I know it is and I understand why. It is part of the way that I am able to guide.

People die childless. People die unmarried. People die young. Babies die minutes after they are born.
We are all going to die. We have individually unique paths that we will take that lead us to the ultimate.
My Human Design study is becoming the biggest tool that I use in all the healing and soul searching I've done over these years.

EY

Opened to the Magic

I’m always reminded that magic happens whenever I look for it. I simply need to look for it. If I put a note on my wall of all the things I need to remember to live a sane and spiritual life I swear my walls would be covered. Needless to say I’m always working on finding that regular focus of wonder, I guess is the best way to put it.
Anyway I attended the final Bloody Words writing conference/ festival a few weekends ago. As I was walking in on the Saturday morning I was kitty corner from a woman cop and her horse. She was standing on the pavement talking to several people who were taking pictures of the horse. The first thing I said, out loud, on the street corner, was “HORSEY!” Yes my inner child is loud and present when it comes to animals.

Then, in my head, I said, “Let me go over there and show this cop what I can do to her horse.” Half joking/ half serious.

I got to them just as she was situating herself back on the horse. I smiled and said Hi and asked her if it was okay if I pat the horse. She said yes. “His name is Timmus.”

I let Timmus smell my hand then I patted him and chatted with him about how beautiful he is and how his eyes were so lovely. Like I do. Then I said to him and the cop, that I would let them go and started to say my good-byes which consists of me repeating like a nut-bar, “Okay good bye, good bye beautiful, goodbye.”

Doesn't Timmus gently press his whole head up against my breasts and stomach and stay that way? I moved my face up against his and we cuddled as I said, “That’s the nicest goodbye ever. I’m so glad that I stopped to meet you.”
The cop looked down at us both in awe. She said, “Wow, He REALLY likes you. He’s never done that before, to anyone!”
I said, “Ahh, he’s just getting a little emotional because he understands how emotional I am.”

“It must be because he’s not emotional in the least. He’s simply not an emotional horse. ”

I smiled and waved my goodbyes to them both and I trotted off with a huge smile on my face.

Last night I had pre-screening passes to see the Jersey Boys movie. I didn't look too hard to find a friend to attend with me. I asked three different friends and they all had plans and I was done looking. I asked myself why I didn't feel like going to the trouble of asking around to find someone who might want to go. I decided to listen to that feeling and go to see the movie on my own. Maybe I’d have a piece of magic.

I had two hours to kill after work and before the movie started so I figured I’d choose a restaurant/ bar close to the theatre and have a glass of wine. I walked up the strip and chose a place that was not busy and sat at the bar.
I wasn't even hungry but ended up ordering their Indonesian chicken wings. Any one who meets up with me at restaurants knows that I have my two go-to favourite meals, chicken wings or bangers & mash. I had bangers & mash in Bermuda and chicken wings in Brisbane, Australia. Ha-ha! Anyway I was sitting at the bar away from the three men who were on the other side of the bar. I’d had a conversation with one of the bartenders about tattoos because she had three. (I promised her I’d go back in September once I got my next half-birthday tattoo to show it to her.) And I had reading material. I was reading Christine Delorey's article “The Lesson Continues Until It Is Learned” (something I firmly believe) and highlighting pieces that mean something to me.

A woman comes in and doesn't she sit right beside me? Not leave an empty chair between us but right beside me. So I think, I wonder what we have to offer each other today. I over hear her ask about the Riesling and Joey tattoo bartender says, “well this lady right here is drinking it.” They both look at me. “What do you think of it?”

I smile and say, “Well it’s my 2nd glass. It’s lovely, not too sweet.”

And I did the weirdest thing EVER! I look at the lady and say, “if it doesn't freak you out you can try a sip of mine.”

I do not know where that came from except maybe I was being a bit of Timmus the Horse to her energy. There was a gentleness in her eyes. You know some people just exude it. So she said, “yes okay, I will take a sip and I promise I don’t have the cooties.”

She ordered a glass of the Riesling based on the sip. It was a tasty Riesling. Ha-ha!

And we cracked jokes about cooties and our conversation was off and running. She asked me what I was working on and I told her about the numerology report. I told her about Christine’s work. I swear in 3 minutes she had typed in three websites in her phone that I recommended including my blog address, which she asked for once I said I am a writer.
We talked about energy and energy vampires. We talked about being sponges to other peoples energy and understanding more and more a need to protect ourselves from it. We talked about social media and how difficult it is to be a kid and have someone post crap about you and the negativity and she likened it to being “common people paparazzi.”

“I know right?,” I said, “You can’t make any mistake in public ever because the first thing people are doing is pulling out their phones to take a picture of you to post.”

That 45 minutes talking to Shauna (Shawna?) flew by like five minutes. Then her dad showed up for them to have dinner before they attended Jersey Boys the movie, as well. We shook hands, said nice to meet you, thanks for the great conversation and she was off with her dad.

I said to Joey the bartender, “Wow I really liked her. I’m so glad she sat beside me”

“Yes it’s funny how that can go when someone sits right beside you when there are so many empty seats. My first thought is always, why beside me when there are so many other places to sit. But if we just open ourselves up we could have a really great experience. I try to remember that when someone sits beside me on public transit when they could have sat in the bunch of empty seats instead”

I agreed with Joey wholeheartedly.

And that’s what I know I am opening myself up to now that I’m getting over most of my friends being engrossed in their own lives and too busy for meet ups. That’s what guided me not to find someone for my extra pre-screening pass. I’m embracing ‘being alone for a reason.’

There’s something that I need to open myself up to that I can only do alone. I’m also testing my energy as a projector. I’m asking the energy, my energy, ‘okay show me who embraces my energy today. Show me who is sending me an invitation.’

And as I walked into the Scotiabank Theatre to watch Jersey Boys a man asked, “Would you happen to have an extra pass for Jersey Boys?”

“Yes as a matter of fact, I do. Here you go. It never hurts to ask eh?’ I smiled at him as he thanked me profusely. Probably because I didn't try to sell it to him. And I was up the escalator to a movie based on a live show that I love that has brought me such great pleasure, memories and friends! I’m super happy Clint Eastwood made it into a movie. I love that he loved the show that much. I loved being able to sit in the theatre with all my sentimentality and be surrounded with so much that I got to love for a few years when the live show was in Toronto. And I love that they incorporated the finale in a way that tips their hats off to the live show. I danced the live show finale everyday at work and when I was an audience member in the live show. I left the theatre giggling like a school girl
EY

Fears

I keep wanting to write about fears but I feel like I have a whole long and dragged out story that has to go along with it. And I don't want to discuss the story here. It's too personal.

It's funny how we get so used to running our lives a certain way that we don't realize that there are certain feelings we've learned how to block. Of course they're not really blocked, they just manifest in certain behaviours. Like the survival behaviours.

I've been saying that April was a month of anxiety but that's not entirely true. It was actually a month of discovering that I was in fear mode and what my racket was, how I react when I am in fear mode. I was anxious, no doubt and my breathing was that adrenalized breathing, fast and panicky. I was doing everything to get off that roller coaster of feeling embarrassed for hoping and having the upper hand in the situation. Oh and I assumed I knew what was going on. I knew the story, this is why you are doing this and saying that and well, I have to win at all costs.

So I'm anxious, embarrassed, feeling like I'm being laughed at and thinking that I know the full story. And I'm reacting and I'm not breathing. That's a disaster waiting to happen.

Breathe. Thank God I journal because everything I know about taking care of myself went out the window.
Breathe. I wanted to flee the scene, never to be heard from again.
But I couldn't escape. Holy cow, what kind of a Girlfish am I when I can't swim away from my troubles?
Breathe. All is well in my world.
BREATHE. Oh My God, this feeling is fear. What am I scared of? Shoot, I'm scared of not getting want I want and even worse I'm scared of getting what I want. And this feeling is fear?

I'm so fascinated by what we bring along with us from childhood. There is so much that I've healed and I'm proud of that. I've worked hard. But it surprises me still how deep it goes. And now my work, my healing, my focus gets into feelings. Growing up with violence doesn't allow for feelings. You can't get emotional when the father figure comes home ready to beat up the people who love him. You have to be ready to react. You have to be focused on the sliver of an opportunity. And believe me, it's a sliver.

I was five years old and I was trained to wake up at the first sign of his violence. I was trained to get dressed in the dark and be ready for when my brother or mother would open my bedroom door, turn on the light and say, "Come on , let's go."
It was usually while he was having a pee so truly a sliver of opportunity. I didn't cry. I didn't have emotions. I wasn't a baby. I couldn't afford to be a baby. I was trained.

I've held on to that training for 45 years because that was all I knew.
In an ironic twist, I think I've healed enough and feel safe enough to actually feel. Safe and fear. Safe with fear?

So you're fear? Take a seat and let me get to know you. How do I look at you face to face? Breathe? Breathe.

As I retell the story of April in my mind I constantly tell myself, I was scared. If I'm going to move forward I need to actually know how to identify what I am feeling. I know anger oh so well. Anger and I have walked hand in hand, it's in that invisible knapsack of weapons I carry on my left shoulder. It sits snugly beside the dagger eyes I've been known to use.

Fear. Can't say I like you but I'm sure glad to know that I know you.

EY

I Went to Church Today

Sunday 20April14 1:48pm

I went to church today for the first time in 40 Years.
I'd been thinking about it for a long while. I'd been to this church before for a function and I liked the feel of it. A couple had chatted with me back then and told me that the service was filled more with affirmations and wasn't too churchy. That's why they'd started going. So this morning I was up, I got ready, and I left the house and went to church. It was a good experience and one I think I'll continue for the next little while, at least.

So much has been going on in my life that I'm looking at any way and all ways of grounding my energy and keeping a spiritual focus. I was reminded that it was 3 years ago this past Good Friday that I had my elephant experience at my part time job. I actually talked about it with my co-worker this past Thursday because it was the Thursday before Good Friday when the whole big spiritual experience started then continued into the Friday. I had actually said to my co-worker, "I wonder what my Good Friday gift will be this year."

I realized as I chatted with my co-worker about the shenanigans that had transpired through the week of the full moon eclipse that I was describing me coming into my full power as a woman. Finding it, acknowledging it and accepting it. We talked about the boundaries that I've been setting over the years for myself and what I will accept. We talked about the people who have bashed into those boundaries and how I reacted. I didn't react in anger or with force. Instead I looked at the situation, called it what it was, asked myself what I needed to do to clean things up and flipped the script. It's amusing how off balance every one gets when you flip the script on them.

There's nothing better than that moment in a woman's life when she realizes, "I don't have to wait for you to make a decision. I'm making this decision and I'm moving forward with that."
The full moon eclipse energy was filled with turmoil and chaos and confusion and I weaved my way through it feeling like I was dragging sacks of something heavy behind me but I had no choice but to get through it.

I felt so light hearted on my Good Friday, listening to music, singing like I was giving a concert and thinking about my 3 Bees in Australia and smiling. And I was purging. Yes I'm back to my purging with a renewed energy. I've decided I want to leave Toronto for good. I don't know how long that will take or how I'm going to approach it but like planning for Australia, I just need to focus on one project at a time. Ultimately I'd like to land in Australia.

Of course Toronto will start to be kinder to me now, right(?), now that I've decided it's time to go. I was never supposed to stay here as long as I have. I think what stopped me was that I always thought I'd have a companion to make the move with.

The hardest part about being back from Australia is I'm not able to gloss over what's missing in my life anymore. My friends are so spread out and busy with their lives and families. The 'man' I was supposed to find isn't here. And the question that keeps coming up is, 'if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, do I want to be alone here?' Um, nope. I can be alone somewhere warm.

My skin was so beautiful in Australia. I've never seen myself look that dark in my whole life and I loved it. It's so funny and ironic how we grow up with all these issues about our colour and how lighter skinned relatives receive better treatment than the darker ones and I discover how much more I love looking at myself in the mirror when I'm dark. Dark Dark!

So I went to church today. Because I want major changes in my life and I want to ground myself in all this energy and stay fully present in the realization of my own power as a woman. I wrote in my journal before I left for church this morning, "I know what it's like to live my life not having what I want." Going to church was the beginning of the prayers to help me to live a life having what I want.

EY

Dreams Coming True

I got my first passport last year. I've never had a passport before. I've never done any world travelling, although it has always been in the back of my mind. It was just never a consideration for many years, for many reasons. Financial being one of them.

Of course as life would have it, the moment I received my passport my friend who lives in Bermuda told me that she had a friend who was going on vacation for 10 days and needed someone to housesit. Someone who likes cats and I was the first person she thought of. Yes I jumped at the chance to go and it really was a little paradise. Talk about lighting a writer's imagination on fire about moving to an island and writing for the rest of her days. At the very least, I'd like Bermuda to be one of my regular destinations.

The main motivation that got me off my backside and going through the challenges of getting a passport (didn't have a proper birth certificate nor photo id) was my Aussie chum who invited me to come and visit him in Australia. Really it's all the motivation anyone needs. I simply couldn't be the person who passed up this chance. Plus Australia has always been a dream long before I met my buddy. I bought my ticket back in May 2013 and I leave this Wednesday evening.

This morning while I got ready for work in the middle of the shower I exclaimed out loud, "OH MY GOD, I'm going to AUSTRALIA!" ha-ha! Better in the shower than on my walk to work.

At work, I emailed a girlfriend to say that I was so distracted that I kept forgetting what work I was working on. "I'm going to Australia and a Boy called... THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!"

And so there is so much going on in my head and my emotions. I'm trying to learn how to live with happiness. Can you believe that? I realize I'm never shy in anger and I'm used to dealing with the bad things or hard things in life. But the good? How do I move into that reality with comfort and keep it?

It's been an interesting few months because there are these parallel attentions that are so clear cut. There have been the work issues and frustrations, as usual, and there is this good stuff, really good stuff that is happening. It's like I'm skate boarding in traffic and I've got to pick a lane quick. I veer into the lane of frustrations and have to catch myself and remind myself that , "no Shelley, all this other stuff is happening that is wonderful beyond your imagination, put your thoughts back over here and let go of obsessing on that crap."

It's interesting to find this out about myself. I can honestly say that I've worked on getting myself to this current place for at least the last 6 years. And now I'm here and I'm still scared that I could jinx it.

I love Louise Hay's affirmation, "All is well in my world," and I've been saying it as much as possible everyday. I slow my mind down and slow my breath down and remind myself, All is well in my world.

For the first time ever, I feel like my life is making sense. Being at my current job makes sense. Living with my cats and planning my own life with my own beliefs and rituals makes sense. Healing all that I've needed to heal makes sense.

And as always, in keeping with my themes, this year's theme is Love. Actually I BELIEVE it's the theme for this year and beyond.

I love when the writer Nancy Huston talked about people who are single for a fair amount of time, she asked, "where does the love go?"
"It doesn't mean that they don't have any love in their lives or they don't give any love. It's just not seen in the traditional ways."

I love that thought because for all the jokes that people have made about me loving cats or ending up being an old lady living with 30 cats, that's one of the places that I put my love. I love animals. I've loved animals since I was a kid. I will never be embarrassed for loving animals.

I love my friends. I make it as easy as possible for particular friends to say yes to spending time with me. Whether it's taking the subway to their part of the city or going to Australia, that's where I put my love.

I love to write and I've got to find what ways work for me to put my love into my writing. And it may not even have to be being published in the traditional way.

I see the purpose that my job serves, aside from being an arts subsidy (ha-ha!) And there are a lot of aspects that I love about it but if I'm going to be there I've got to commit in different ways. My company has companies around the world. If there was ever a thought of living somewhere else this is the work that could get me there.

And I've met this adorable man. A sweet, gentle guy. And it feels really, really good. And who knows where this is going? And that's an excruciatingly wonderful feeling. You know, the wait is excruciating and the contact makes me grin, right?

And this is my life, that is making sense to me. The wonderful things and people of my choosing and a couple of things (my job and writing) that need to be re-worked. That's life too.

I'm getting to travel and my next big plan to save for is to go to an elephant sanctuary in Thailand to volunteer for a week or more.


So I think I'm becoming conscious of the question I didn't know I'd been asking all along, where do I want to put my love?

EY

Sometimes a Friendship is Just Over.

You know when a friendship is coming to an end. You just can’t find the motivation to spend any time with that person anymore. Usually because the memories of the last times together still leave a bad taste in your mouth. It’s about a person giving up a feeling of caring for you and not admitting to it. Or it’s an anger that they haven’t expressed about some perceived wrong.


I was in love with a man back in 1998. It was a short relationship that took me a really long time to get over. It took me a long time because of the fantasy. Almost immediately I felt that this was the man I was going to marry. I’ve never felt like this about any one before. It was a feeling, a knowing, that this was the man I was going to marry. I won’t get into depth, I don’t think I can go into depth about it but needless to say it didn’t work out. He told me he loved me but he couldn’t be with me. And it was over.


The interesting thing about it all was this was the first time that I reached out to my friends and said, “I’m heartbroken and I’m having a hard time dealing with this pain.”
I cried on a couple peoples voice mails. I needed support. I needed to be around people who cared about me and I asked for it.


One girlfriend came through once. She’d invited me over to her house. We chatted, I cried, we watched a movie and then her new boyfriend came over to pick her up to go to his performance. I didn’t hear from her again for months. The entire summer went by and we were approaching winter before she’d finally started calling me. I didn’t return her calls.


As I look back on the relationship with this girlfriend, I remember that I’d already been feeling like our friendship needed a break, at the least, or was coming to an end. You know how it is, you just don’t enjoy yourself as much when you spend time with some people. They make decisions about how they want to behave going forward and it could put a substantial strain on your patience.


For instance, I can remember this same girlfriend had decided one year, “this year is going to be All About Me.” And throughout the year she’d announce constantly, “It’s all about me! It’s all about me” It was truly trying especially for the friends who had been with her all along. What does that mean, it’s all about you? What about us, the people who’ve always been here for you and supported you? A couple of us considered dropping out of her life.


So when she didn’t call me for months it was the perfect opportunity to call it a day. So I did. We are in peoples lives for a reason and when the reason is gone...


A couple of points come up as I think about this. I needed to move away from that relationship as a part of my healing. When I’m in anger mode and that is all that I can focus on... When all I can think of about a friendship are the negatives, I think, for me, it’s time to move on. It may be for a short time. It may be that it takes a decade to see things from a different perspective. It may be that the friendship will never ever happen again. It happens as it happens.


We have recently, within the last year, resumed contact with each other. It’s not the same kind of friendship, obviously. But we are friendly. I can remember all the things I’ve always liked about her again.


The ideas that are popping up for me now, as I look back on this lesson of friendship is that I had certain expectations. I set expectations on how I thought I should be treated during my time of need. I was upset, I made the meaning of her caring or lack of caring about, “you didn’t call me for 6 months when you knew I was depressed and heartbroken.” And the big part of all of that is I never said anything to her about it. I didn’t give her a chance to say her peace. Granted, as I said earlier, after the ‘all about me’ year I needed a break.


I think that we can be cowards. We’re all guilty of this. At some point something happens in our lives and we have the expectation that certain people should show up for us. We have a health issue and we think our best friend should show up. We’re going through a hard time and we think our friends should care in a certain way. They should care in the way that we say. But if someone is being exactly who they are we have to then understand that they may only be able to give so much. And the bigger point, there may be a bigger reason why they simply cannot show up. They just don’t want to anymore, can be one of those reasons.


I have to accept that I play a part in all that happens around me. All that I create. I also have to hope that the more I delve into what I see, the more I will learn. As we know better, we do better...


I’ve discussed this before - accepting people exactly the way they are and accepting myself exactly the way I am. I think it’s a huge theme for the future, for everyone. We hear it, we’ve said it, if we’re going to stop wars, if we’re going to ever see world peace we have to stop trying to insist that all people be just like us. We have to learn to accept everyone’s differences. I’m no philosopher nor an academic so I won’t get into the atrocities that we humans commit against one another and entire countries.


I have another girlfriend. Her achilles heel is that people abandon her. She has told me on several occasions, “it seems like out of the blue someone freaks out on me and they basically tell me to go fuck myself and then they’re gone from my life. They don’t want to be my friend anymore. It has happened so many times and I don’t know why.”


I’ve been a coward. I suspect why some people have left her life, burning that bridge beyond repair. I’ve told her in one instance but not in all of them. She has the answer to everyones life, all the time. She has the answer with a touch of venom using poison tipped words. And she blames the person for any bad in his or her life. She’s simply not nice anymore. And she’s always had that insensitive edge to her. One of those, “I’m just telling you this for your own good” which is supposed to absolve her of any wrong when she says something without tact. You can tell somebody something for their own good without being an asshole.


She’s going through what so many of us go through once we hit a certain age. It’s having to face the reality that all of our childhood dreams have not been met. Let’s look at my realities - I never became a dancer. I’m still an unpublished writer. I’ve never been married or had children. Heck, I don’t even live in a fancy anything. I’ve accepted that. The only thing that hurts is being unpublished.


This girlfriend hasn’t accepted her reality and worse, she’s mad at those of us who are living our lives the best way we can and we are all starting to realize that about her. She cannot find a way to be happy when one of us has a nice bit of happiness enter our lives.


So slowly as I realize that this is exactly who she is. This is what she is going through. I spend less time with her. I would guess that so does everyone else. Hey, my life sucks too sometimes, I don’t need to make it suck more by spending the little free time I have with someone who is filled with venom.


Needless to say, she went through a breakup similar to mine and when she called asking for help she threatened, “If someone doesn’t call me back I’m going to do something really bad to myself.”


And that loaded word obligation came up. I didn’t want to call but I didn’t want to be left with the guilt that if I didn’t call and she did do something to herself that somehow I would have been at fault. So I called. She wasn’t a crying mess like I had been. She was angry and filled with all the answers as to how she is filled with a power that had intimidated her boyfriend and that’s why he left. Okay. When I changed the subject and asked about mutual friends, she proceeded to blame one for being sick, said another one was in an arranged situation (‘there’s really no love there) and asked me when I was going to get off my ass and get my writing done. Did I mention she doesn’t work and I work a full-time job and a part-time job? Yes it’s easy to have all the answers for the world at large when you haven’t worked a day in your life. But that’s just a little of my venom.


After that call I didn’t bother to call her for 6 months. I just couldn’t be bothered. I felt like her cry for help was emotional blackmail, a manipulation and I just couldn’t be a part of it. Emotional blackmail is one of my achilles heels. Emotional blackmail gets you to say yes when you don’t want to say yes for fear that should you say no something really bad could happen and by extension it would be your fault. I do not respect anyone who gives me no choice other than doing what they want me to do. IT MAKES ME HATE!


Anyway. We recently got together for dinner. I didn’t really want to go but I figured since it had been at least 6 months maybe it was the time to approach the subject. The moment I saw her I realized that nope, it wasn’t going to be discussed. The first thing out of her mouth was a careless remark that was basically like a laugh at how hard I work. Basically I’m a loser in her eyes.


I sat across from her and for the first time ever all I saw was an ugly person. Her skin looked ugly, her eye contact was angry and ugly. She was ugly to me. I knew that her poison tipped words were probably about her anger towards me. She is angry that I haven’t called her in six months. She is angry that I didn’t support her in her time of need. She didn’t ask me why I haven’t been available and I didn’t volunteer the information. Another girlfriend said to me last night, “that dinner was the funeral for your relationship.” Truth!


As I look back at the girlfriend who didn’t call me for six months, I wonder had she felt she’d done enough of what she could possibly give me at that time? Was I putting on her expectations of what I wanted not considering what she could do? Does my heartbreak mean that everyone else should stop what they are doing to sit vigil by my side? Does your heartbreak mean that I have to sit vigil? And it brings me back to accepting people exactly the way they are and accepting myself exactly the way I am.


Byron Katie shared a story a few years ago about her husband who wasn’t interested in joining on family outings. The outing were with her grown up kids and he didn’t have kids. And overall he just wasn’t interested. She made it into a thing briefly and then finally set him free from having to attend. She made family plans without him and found she enjoyed those outings more because she wasn’t worrying about him having a good time. And he went off and did his own thing. It wasn’t too long before once he had the freedom he started joining the family outings and started having a good time himself. She said something along the lines that when she realized she wasn’t responsible for him and accepted that the family thing wasn’t his thing it made everything easier. And for him, he needed the freedom to choose and when he did have the freedom he actually chose them.


I’m really trying to find that place of true full out acceptance. Removing false expectations and obligations from others and hopefully they will do the same for me.


The best analogy has always been about giving money to charity. It would be ridiculous to donate your entire pay cheque to a charity leaving you with no money to pay rent, get groceries etc. No, you give a portion of your pay. You give what you can afford to give.


I want to accept that people, my friends, my loved ones are giving me what they can afford to give emotionally, spiritually, keeping their own well being in consideration. I want to remove the focus on what I think they ought to give me, how they ought to support me. How many phone calls are enough phone calls if I’m heartbroken. Because if I lift my head and look around, other people did support me through that heart break. I wasn’t alone.


That work as yoga practice has really been helping me to look at my life from a different perspective, with a different attitude. And zero in on where I cause my own problems and zero in on what meanings I give to events that don’t have to mean the most negative.


And that said, sometimes a friendship is just over.

This was a long piece. If you’ve made it through the whole piece SERIOUSLY Thank you for reading!

EY

Work/Yoga Mindset

Connections in Life

I love when I see the themes and connections in my life.
The day that I was re-writing Sally Kempton’s article about the Work/Yoga mindset, Scott Sonnon posted about the “What the Hell Effect”. At the end of his post he wrote, “No cheat days. In Anything. Ever. “

My initial reaction is that scares me. That means no laziness. No procrastination, that if the truth be told, I have created an art form in procrastination. ART FORM! If you want to learn more about the Practice of Procrastination for a mere $9.99, please send your dollars to... Shelley-Lynne Domingue

sigh.

But as I thought about it more, “No cheat days. In Anything. Ever.” I brought it down into more manageable bites. First off is the Work/Yoga mindset. For it to work, for it to change my life, there can be no cheat days. When I looked at that, I connected into where I wasn’t taking a cheat day, when I normally would.

After my week off in August, I promised myself that I would get back to doing yoga every morning before I go to work. We know all the benefits of working out so I won’t get into all that. But it took me a bit of a conversation with myself to find the DVD that I would use. My main purpose is that I want to feel ready with energy for the work day when I leave my house. And I want to have the proper mindset.

I’ve noticed that a lot of yoga DVD’s irritate me when I do them in the morning. And it’s the chatter. If I were ever asked how the design the best yoga DVD, I would say have two work outs. One with the instructions and chatter and the other one that is exactly the same but only says the positions you are getting into and then silence. Silence!

I could get into a good rant about this, but I’ll cut myself short. I don’t think they are conscious of the fact that you will hear them say the same thing every single day because if they were more mindful of it... I remember Pink saying on Oprah that she has to turn the sound down on P90X because that guy’s voice gets on her nerves. lol

Anyway, I lucked out and picked the right DVD on the first try. Fat Free Yoga by Ravi Singh & Ana Brett. If you try it, it’s not the traditional downward dog yoga. It is Kundalini Yoga. Immediately Monday I felt great, really great. I didn’t feel like I could crash in the afternoon and since I was working both jobs on Monday, I felt just as great when I got to my part time job.

Okay, I was off for a week so how tired would I be? Tuesday morning I rolled myself out of bed and onto my yoga mat promising myself that if I could just do the work out everything would be okay. And it was. Same high energy level at work on Tuesday.
I’ve done that work out every single day this week without negotiating with myself, without coming up with any excuses to press the snooze button for just 15 more minutes. Just open eyes, roll out of bed, doing drunken sleepy walk to put on my yoga gear and start yoga.

No cheat days. In Anything. Ever.

What I love about Kundalini Yoga, why I chose this practice above any other yoga practices, is that I like the work out, the breath work and the mantras. To MY inner knowing, that is what yoga is. No criticism of anyone else’s choice. This is my choice.

What I’ve been looking for within this practice over the years, is my chosen mantra. When I got my tattoo last week, I silently chanted Sat Nam and in the painful parts of the tattoo process, I silently chanted Sa Ta Na Ma. It was helpful. But I still want a personal mantra that resonates with me. I have yet to find it, I know I will.

On Friday, after work I was walking through the Ryerson University grounds. Frosh week has begun. A man asked me if I worked a Ryerson. No. That’s okay, I can still offer you this. And he gave me a business card of a new yoga centre that focuses on yoga mantras, chanting and singing. Seriously, dude!

He (Sam) says, “although I don’t know why I stopped you because you look so relaxed, what’s your practice?”
Me: “Ha ha! I am relaxed. This is the, “I get to leave work early on a long weekend” practice of relaxation.” And I cracked myself up.

Sam was holding the Bhagavad Gita in his hand. I extended the conversation with, “it’s funny that you should be holding that book because...” and I pulled out my paper that I did on the Work/Yoga mindset and said that Sally Kempton took quotes out of the Bhagavad Gita. Sam showed me the same quote from my paper in the book and then found me a mantra to try out. I love those little magical moments when everything connects.

This morning I woke up from my dream. I dreamt that not only did I see Prince in concert but after his concert, he came over to my place to hang out. We discussed how when the music is really flowing for him, he could play his concert all night long if they let him. I talked about the times that I’ve been in that writing flow, when I’ve tried to go to sleep and keep jumping up to write down the words and sentences that are dancing in my head. They just won’t let me sleep and that’s the best feeling.

A couple of funny notes in my dream -
1- friends kept dropping in to my place and I never outed Prince. But in one conversation with my friend Sarah who looked like Britney Spears (bahaha) she said something about feeling like she could go and perform somewhere nonstop until she couldn’t move. I pointed at Prince and said, “Yes we were just talking about that.” Sarah/Britney looked over at Prince, did a double take and then looked at me. I smiled and nodded Yes, as if to say yes, that’s really who you think it is.

2- at one point Prince sits down on my kitchen floor, leaning against the wall. I sit beside him and say, “the floor is a little dirty. I was going to clean up before I went to your concert but I figured, why worry about it, it’s not like I’m going to pick up a guy and bring him home. Especially not PRINCE!” I cracked myself up in my dream.

The next night in my dream, Prince and I were saying our good byes in a park, with an art exhibit.
I ran to catch up to him and said, “Scott Sonnon had a post on facebook recently and it really resonates with me and me spending this time with you. It was ‘no cheat days, in anything, ever.’”
Prince nodded his head in agreement, we hugged and parted ways.

So I’m thinking, that’s my mantra.

No Cheat Days. In Anything. Ever!

EY

Scott Sonnon's "What the Hell Effect!"

Fat Free Yoga by Ravi Singh and Ana Brett

Scott Sonnon's Being From Prague response

I deleted today the following post to my Timeline:

--------------------------------------

"Being from Prague, I'm very curious why you post pictures of your self? Do you do it only to take money from people who think you're pretty, because you lack self-esteem and need other people to coddle you with praise, or is it both because all Americans are so vain and capitalistic? Same question for your incessant repetition of your childhood stories; is it because people are stupid enough to buy a book of yours because you had a difficult childhood, or is it because your ego compulsively needs people to tell you how beautiful and wise you have deceived them into thinking you look and sound now? Like you, I'm a member of MENSA so I can see the manipulation you're hypnotizing people with. I'm smart and fit now too, but I don't whine about being made fun of in school for when I was stupid and fat. ~ Fredrick"

--------------------------------------

After deleting the above from my page, I decided a reply would be helpful, so I offer this story.

Hi Fredrick,

Let me share with you a story from when I was "a child." From forced company of socially estranged misfits, I fell into role playing games, and rapidly became a D&D fanatic. I'd spend hours (if not days) absorbed in the library, doing background research on the history, geography, mythology and ethos of the campaigns, becoming intellectually ravenous for any morsel which would add visual depth to the game.

But I observed a strange phenomenon: regardless of whether my character type had been chosen as a warrior, thief, cleric, assassin, paladin, ranger, or barbarian, the character would inevitably develop the same annoying character traits, fall into the same frustrating predicaments, and be surrounded by the same array of impossible obstacles and obstinate people.

Hopefully, being such a smart person, you have already figured out my discovery. But as a 13 year old boy, imagine my surprise when I had realized that the common denominator among all of these asinine characters was... me. I had been objectively observing a cross-verified sample of my own personality traits. Regardless of skills, environment, background, opportunities and challenges, my most undesirable character traits manifested in the role playing. They were glaring, grating reflections.

At that point, I had a single brilliant thought. Each of us has a few in our lifetime; and this had been one of my most important: if I changed the undesirable traits in myself, then all of my characters would improve in any campaign they underwent. So, I began work on myself:
--> to start being accountable for my own actions rather than blaming others,
--> to stop complaining about what I ought to be entitled to and started to focus on earning my keep,
--> to stop feeling self-righteous about my opinion and started seeking to understand others perspectives,
--> to stop fleeing dire circumstances for my own safety and started standing my ground for a worthy cause even at personal loss.

Astoundingly to me, as I worked on myself, my gaming improved; all of my characters became more successful, admired and fulfilling to play. That's when I stopped gaming. I had extracted its most secret value: the game, for me, was just an opportunity to gaze in my mental mirror. When I saw what my reflection actually looked like, I had learned the solution to my childhood problems: ME! I was the problem AND the solution. If I changed the behaviors and habits which kept me in my abusive, terrifying, destitute circumstances, then my environment would change as well.

And it did, as I did. Now, I still continue to this very day to consider the hologram I'm currently projecting out into the world. What is it that I see in others and of my situations? Do I see ugliness or beauty, apathy or love, hate or compassion, anxiety or impatience, fear or faith, scarcity or abundance; what do I REALLY see, rather than what do I wish I'd see? What I see is not the world, but my perception of it. If my perception is undesirable, it is not the hologram which ought to (or even, can) alter, but the projection camera.

You say you're an intelligent guy being a member of the High IQ Society. Use that big brain of yours to look at that which you are perceiving in others. You may not like the reflection you see, but you will regain power to change your perception. Your world will improve as you do.

Very Respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/ScottSonnon

Scott Sonnon

Facebook does have it’s benefits. One of the things I like the most is that you can see what your friends press ‘like’ on. I noticed my friend Tanya was always liking this guy’s post and when she commented on his posts, she’d call him Coach.

Who is this Scott ‘coach’ guy? Is he a life coach? So I started clicking into his posts.
Writing wise, he does everything I would like to eventually do. He gives personal anecdotes that provide an experiential teaching. He wasn’t the cool kid, or the good looking kid. He was the over weight kid. He was the kid who wasn’t supposed to amount to anything. He was the kid who was told, by the well-meaning, that he should have realistic goals. Don’t dream too big, you’ll be disappointed.

If I were to describe who Scott is, well, it would fall short of all he encompasses on his page. And don’t we get too focused on trying to describe who people are rather than focusing on the gifts that they give? Needless to say I’ve been following him for a year or so now.

One thing I could never understand about Scott was why he always responds to the negativity. We’ve all read those comment sections in articles or on facebook pages where there are the ‘anonymous’ posters who take a crap on what’s just been said. They take a crap on the views expressed. They take a crap on the people who want to move up in their thinking instead of staying in the dirty gutter of negativity.

I’d read some of Scott’s posts responding to those types and I’d think, “Scott, why do you bother? You can’t change them!”

And then it clicked in, it’s not them he’s trying to change. He’s showing on a daily basis that he has a particular focus and no matter what the gutter dwellers say, he isn’t losing that focus. ‘So thank you for your comment, you have a right to it, and this is what I believe and have a right to believe.”

It connects so well with what I mentioned in a previous blog entry about accepting others exactly the way they are providing the opening to then accept ourselves exactly the way we are.

Scott’s posts teach me everyday to stay focused in doing what I want to do, no matter the criticisms. And There Will Be CRITICISMS! Right? Always criticisms. I wrote him a quick note to tell him that I finally got what he was doing. And Thank you because it is so important for us to learn - At Any Age!

This is my Personal One Year of a new Nine year cycle, as I mention a lot ;) And I’ve learned some profound things this year. I’ve been learning the deeper meanings of what I thought I already knew. The most recent reason why I sent Scott a message was about his response to “Being From Prague”. I will post his response as a blog entry.

I had an AHA moment about being centred. I told Scott that what I’ve really learned is that he is role-modeling how to be centred - physically, emotionally and spiritually. I’ve always understood being centred as being grounded, feet firmly planted, the physical aspect of being grounded. But I’d never brought the discipline of thinking into it. I’m seeing more and more that thinking/ thought is a discipline.

The discipline of thought is running a race and not getting distracted by the people in the stands screaming your name or your opponent’s name. It’s performing as your character in a play and not noticing your family in the audience. It’s the practice of Work as Yoga and not being attached to a specific outcome. Fully in your centre.

It reminds me of a question that Wayne Dyer asks in one of his PBS specials, “ What comes out of you when you’re squeezed?”
He says if you squeeze an orange you always get orange juice. But if someone squeezes you do they get anger, venom, what do they get?

We can choose what it is that comes out of us regardless of what is going on. We can remain in our centre even when we are squeezed. We need the discipline of our thoughts to bring us forward. Who am I kidding, all those sentences should say “I, not we!” ha-ha!

Sometimes my mind is like Houdini struggling to get out of a restraint, except he was gifted and quick. lol What do I choose to come out of me when I am squeezed?

EY

Scott Sonnon on Facebook

Work Yoga Attitude Makeover

My friend Sarah posted a link to an an article by Sally Kempton about bringing a yogic attitude to your work. (The link to the article will be at the end of this blog entry. ) And it affected me profoundly. It’s so funny how sometimes I can remember how much smarter I was when I was younger in some things. I think it was because I kept things simple. But that was more of my work attitude in my early working days.

Anyway, I read the article, highlighted what resonated with me then brought it down to a page of focus for me to look at each morning before I go to work.
Here are the tidbits that I find helpful, I’ve changed some of the wording to suit my needs:

What matters most is not what you do, but how you do it.
1- Throw yourself completely into a task. Do whatever you do impeccably, with full attention. Approach your work with your full presence and with your highest quality of attention.

EY note - I’ve always been this way but I’d been doing it angrily, lately.

At the beginning of a task, say to myself, “Looking back on this, How would I have wanted to perform this task?”

2- Surrender your attachment to results. You never know how things will turn out. You simply can’t know if anyone will buy your novel or whether someone at another company will notice the work you do and offer you a great job. Consider what it would look like to do your work for the sake of the work alone. Discover how you can, moment by moment, release your attachment to outcomes. Consider how you can live your passion and yet detach yourself from how things turn out.

EY Note - There are no promises in anything we do but there can be gifts that we never expected.

3- Do your work as Service. (I wrote to think of the idea of my day job as me doing a service for my writing)
Do something for the sake of being helpful.
Shift that inner attitude from “What am I not getting?” to “What can I give?”
Shift from “Something’s wrong with this situation” to “How can I help make it better?”
Begin taking action at work, ask yourself, “Who or what does this serve?”

EY Note - I like this because it removes the bitterness of feeling like I’m doing all this work while others are screwing the pooch. It doesn’t matter what they are doing. What matters is that I am keeping my focus.

I also added the note, which is so important, “Being of service is not the same thing as martyring yourself for a cause or letting yourself be exploited. Consider yourself in the equation. Think about what you need in order to serve at your best. And Stand up for yourself!”

4- Make Your Work an offering
Whatever you do, make it an offering, bringing an attitude of devotion to your actions.
“I offer this day asking that my actions be beneficial for all beings.”
Whatever you are doing, whether it is “important” or “unimportant”, you can offer it. And by offering your work, your practice, and even your small everyday actions, you align yourself with the universe, and your work becomes yoga - the natural path to union with the whole.

Sally Kempton wrote a great article which goes more in depth, obviously. I hope it gives you the gifts it has given me. And Thanks Again Sarah!

EY

Bring a yogic attitude to your work and find satisfaction in your job, no matter what it is. By Sally Kempton

Minimalist in Training or The Big Purge of 2013

Last night, I started Day 1 of getting rid of my stuff. I started with books because my place is filled with them and books will be the hardest thing to let go of. I started with three empty boxes:
1- Keep
2- Recycle/Garbage
3- Sell

As I was sorting through the books in the shelves under my window I could see how difficult this could be. Talk about emotional attachments to books. When you write and even beyond that, when you love to read, it's hard to let go. I wasn't getting too far because honestly, the books were going in the keep box and the Sell box was empty. So I added a fourth box - Undecided. That helped me to pull some books out of the Keep box and really got the process flowing. And some books started making it in to the sell box as well.

I went to a used book store on my way home from work on Monday and asked if they buy a lot of books, "Like buggies full," and Buddy said they are happy to buy buggies full. It's a good quality used book store so they'd be going to a good way station before they go to a good home. Um, yes, emotional attachment to books.

I've negotiated with myself on a couple things to make the process easier.
1- Now that I've unplugged the television, I can read more of the books I do own and then sell them
2- The books that I sell immediately, I will write a list of titles and authors (that still interest me) and I can purchase them on Kindle or Kobo, if I really want to read them. I know full well that my attention goes off in other directions so I probably won't buy them for my e-reader but it's the mind trick I'm playing with myself that will help me to move it along.

I set aside some children's books that I will pass on to my girlfriend for her young daughter. The little one isn't quite at reading age but she is definitely at being read to age. Plus some activity books from my child and youth work days, that will definitely be interesting to her for years to come. Especially since My friend is very crafty.

So really it's become 5 boxes.

I figure I'll start this way first and once I've gone through everything I will do the major one, that the minimalists recommend, packing up everything in your house as if you are moving and finding out what you actually use during a week or two and what you never touch. It makes sense to have less stuff before I do that one.

I do live in an apartment building where, if you leave your discarded stuff on the window sills in the stairway, other people pick up what they want from it. But with books (emotional attachment) if I leave them out there and they aren't taken I always take them back. I can't bear the thought of books ending up in the garbage. So that's the main reason why I'm selling them.

I took the week off work as a needed vacation because last week was pretty irritating and I realize that it was irritating because I haven't had time off since Bermuda and that was the first week of June. Only I could think this is a fun vacation but I'm actually really stoked. I've made plans with a couple girlfriends and am contacting a couple more girlfriends in hopes of making plans so there will be social fun and laughter and beer in the midst.

I realize that I'm not telling anyone anything new about purging and making changes in our lives. It was part of the gremlin/ critic in my head the other day. You know that ass that tells you, Who do you think you are? Why are you writing about these things everybody is laughing at you, is going to laugh at you? You aren't telling anyone anything that they couldn't find better information any where else. The Gremlin has been on full throttle. He's screaming actually. But I'm working through him anyway. I'm showing up anyway. I'm writing about what's going on anyway. I know when I get to the other side, something positive will come of it. Gremlins only say positive things once the work is finished, never during the actual pain and perspiration. Gremlins don't do work, they hinder work.

I've been blogging since 2006 and I only saw, could only see, the body of work when I looked back through the archives years later.

My ultimate goal is to get down to only having books on the four book cases that I own.
1- One bookcase has my favourite authors: Nancy Huston; A.M Homes; Jasper Fforde. And books that I re-read (Alice Walker; Richard Wright; The Great Gatsby; Five Smooth Stones etc)
2 & 3 - My two large bookcases have the workbooks: writing manuals/handbooks; Numerology/Astrology/Tarot; Kundalini Yoga/ Qigong; Energy work/Self development; Creativity/Drawing; Dream work (lucid dreams) etc. I need to get these cases down to the essentials and weed out the books that don't really do it for me.
4 - One bookcase has all the books I've purchased at IFOA (International Festival of Author's)
That's the direction I move towards.

The Boxes of Purge:
1- Keep
2- Recycle/Garbage
3- Sell
4- Undecided
5- Give away


EY

Changing With The Times

I love Journalling. The best part is that I can write something down, forget about it, and later when I'm reading through entries realize that what I wrote about is actually being created in my life.

While I was in Bermuda in June, I listened to a Joel Osteen sermon on television while I was waiting for my friends to come get me. His main message was to embrace where you are.

I wrote in my journal - "Listening to Joel Osteen and he's reminded me about relaxing into the situation.

When you're between jobs and you're looking for another job and the stress that comes up. Always in the end, when you get the job, you wish you would have relaxed more. Made better use of that free time. That's my new moon wish to relax more into my life and into what is going on as it happens. I know the energy of my life has changed, so let me continue to change along with it. What are the good qualities of where I am?"

I've noticed that since I wrote that journal entry I've been changing the way I phrase things. I did it just last week. I won two tickets to a spoken word event and I was telling a co-worker about the event the day after. I actually said, "I won the tickets and I was going to say that I never win anything but the energy of my life has changed so not winning is not true for me anymore."

Even my Bermuda trip was something that wouldn't happen for me in the past. Mind you, I didn't have a passport. But I feel like the energy of my life is changing and yes, it's definitely because of the small actions I am taking. Like getting a passport and going out of my way to look for the information that ultimately won me the spoken word tickets.

Today I wrote in my journal, "Change yourself, change your thoughts, to meet your changing life."

More of Joel Osteen's message that inspired me that I've been working with:
You couldn't go where you're going without the people who keep you down, make your life difficult. They are polishing you as long as you continue to shine your light. Enjoy your life while God is changing the circumstances.
"This is where you have me right now and God I know you are working on my future. While I'm waiting I'm not going to worry. I trust you God."
Some things you can only learn in the struggle. God is getting you prepared. Stay in faith even when it's difficult. Keep doing the right things even when the wrong things happen. It's not happening to me, it's happening for me. Embrace where you are! Keep the faith and trust. And Maybe what you're praying for is too small that's why you haven't received it. (If what I'm praying for is too small, what is a sizeable dream to pray for?)

I love the idea of being polished. How many times have we looked back in our lives and saw the path that led us to where we were? If so and so hadn't have been so miserable we wouldn't have left that city and moved to this city where we have been able to find our confidence, our self-respect, our power!

When I got back from Bermuda I, of course, had a lot waiting for me when I got back to work. My first frustration was a co-worker who didn't keep me in the loop for work we both know full well that I needed to be informed of. I emailed her telling her that I couldn't accept the form she'd sent me because I had nothing to back it up.
She emailed me back, "Oh I got the authorization from the rep. You were away so I didn't bother to send it to you." and she attached the authorization.
In my head, I was thinking, 'well she knows I need that information, why the heck wouldn't she copy me on it?' But I never said it to her.
Moments later, as if she heard my thoughts, she sent me an email saying, "I'm so sorry I didn't send you the information..." and some other stuff about hoping I wasn't mad at her for the needless frustration.
I emailed her back, "It's okay. Like Joel Osteen said, you are polishing me." ha-ha!


What are the good qualities of where I am?
Change yourself, change your thoughts, to meet your changing life.
If what I'm praying for is too small, what is a sizeable dream for me to pray for?
Who is polishing me? How is this situation polishing me?

And, as luck would have it, Joel Osteen is on now. His message today goes fittingly with his June message - Be positive or be quiet. You may think negative but don't speak it out.

I may have thought, "I never win anything," but I caught myself and didn't say it because I'm making it no longer true for me.

EY

Maybe This Is the Best

I’m a tweaker, I’m never really satisfied with the way things are. You know, my life would be better if I could lose about 20lbs, work out daily, be committed to my Qigong and Kundalini Yoga practice, write daily, complete my novel. Oh if only I could be neater, keep a cleaner apartment, have a fail-safe system for well, EVERYTHING! (rolls eyes)


I can drive myself crazy with all the things I didn’t do, haven’t done, could do better. My life would be so much better... but would it? There’s always one more thing to fix, one other thing that is missing.


What’s brought this up is that lately life has been pretty good for me. My really difficult work issues have been resolved, my debts are being paid down – one by one, life at home is calm, I’m no longer in physical pain. I’ve been through so many trying times emotionally and physically and now that things are good, I’m still a bit scared of any bad that may be around the corner. I want to enjoy this good but there’s still that part of me who has to brace herself for the worst case scenario. Then, on top of that, I want to enjoy this good but if I could tweak this situation a little, well...


I think it was Nora Ephron who wrote that when you’re 50 you’ll wish you still had the thighs you hated when you were 30. Isn’t that the way for all aspects of our lives? In retrospect that extra 5lbs wasn’t as bad as this extra 20. Doing daily Kundalini yoga isn’t as great as the long walks I used to regularly take with my gal-pal.


Maybe this is the best anything is going to be in my life right now. Can I learn to love my life exactly as it is? Can I learn to accept my so-called fat, my messy, my imperfect and laugh anyway, enjoy my life anyway, love anyway? Can I remind myself that in 10 or 20 years I’ll wish I had enjoyed myself more?


There’s a piece of advice I always give to people who are in between jobs and are searching frantically. I tell them to try to take a bit of time everyday to simply enjoy all this free time you have. I know that bills loom and you need groceries and all that practical stuff but when you do return to work, the only thing you’ll wish is that you did more of the things you enjoy when you had the time.


Of course we all know that the advice we give to others is usually the message we need to hear the most. This issue is so huge for me, enjoying my life right now. Go out anyway, even if I think I look fat in this outfit. Write a blog entry on my lunch break and call that daily writing, even if it’s still not novel work. Simply try to be a little more satisfied in this moment without thinking about how I’d tweak it to make it better. Because, really, when the bad times or hard times show up again, as part of the cycle, while I am trying to dig myself out of it, I’ll also be wishing that I enjoyed the good times a little stronger when they were here.



EY

Mindbloom

Wednesday 8June11

I had a problem solved recently. I've been trying for 2 years, if not longer to do a television fast. You know, stop watching television for say an entire week or month and get shit done. I couldn't manage to find a way to do it. The moment I walked in the house I was clicking on the TV and had it on Bravo for Law and Order. How many times do you need to see the same episodes? Then it was some other show and another. That 3 hours a night I could have been getting stuff done, like say, writing a novel.

I was mad at myself everyday for being so weak and just not keeping my promise to myself.

And then a friend sent me an invitation to Mindbloom. I was bitter at first. Why are people always sending invitations to some kind of social something? Jeez, I'm facebook, I'm on plurk. I've got 5 email addresses and I spend so much time keeping up with those things it's any wonder I leave the house. Any how I checked it out.

It's a wonderful tree of your goals each branch is a specific area of your life and you start with 3 branches and create actions for those areas and you get seeds for keeping those actions. It's beautiful, it's visual and it's fun to keep track of your goals. The best part is because it costs you seeds to add an action, you really have to think about the most important actions you want to take. And as you go along, you make reasonable goals.

Well since I've been keeping track of my goals and actions on mindbloom, I've been so busy working on what I love that I have had no need to turn on the television. And my tree is looking mighty fine. And it all feeds into my chant, I want to feel good. I think if you click the title to this blog entry it will bring you to tree.mindbloom.com

Oh and as an aside on the man front. The gorgeous guy I'd about given up on has reached out, so he's not totally written off. Phew! I do really like him and I'm mindful that we both need to be choosing each other. I need to make him feel good and he needs to make me feel good if we're ever going anywhere with this very fascinating and exhilarating beginning.

EY

Yes We Can!

Wednesday 6:54pm 5Nov08
Dreaming the impossible has been blown wide open in the last 24 hours. Blown wide open.

All the dreams we've been told that we couldn't have or should change, all the dreams that we hoped our own children wouldn't have to avoid the hurt and the pain ... everything has changed now. All the mixed race children who have felt like they've had to deny one side of themselves just to make life easier. All the mixed race children who have hated something within themselves and have felt the confusion are given another bigger and better option embracing all of who they are.

And just like that old commercial where she tells two friends and they tell two friends and so on and so on, all the possibilities expand out into infinity from race to politics to history to imagining positive changes in our world.

What an exciting time it is now in the United States. What an exciting time that so many of us had hoped for since Sept 11, 2001 when the United States had the world's attention and love and sorrow and people were helping strangers and volunteering to lend a helping hand and hug. 9/11 showed us and reminded us that in a crisis the best qualities of people come to the forefront, deep inside all of us lives good.

I didn't cry last night as I watched the election results. I didn't cry when Barack Obama came out and gave his victory speech. I stood in front of the television and I watched and listened in awe. I nodded my head each time he said Yes we can and I bathed in all the possibilities of that little phrase.

Yes we can dream big and set unreasonable goals because they are only unreasonable until we realize them. Yes we can be the ones to live in possibility, to try something different than what we've always done that hasn't been working. Yes we can think of what community means to us and create it and help others and share with each other. Out of many we are one.

I want to embrace these hopeful enthusiastic feelings on a daily basis. I want to believe that we can heal our troubled world. I want to imagine that we are approaching a higher level of living with each other where our first choice is to show our best qualities that we automatically show in a 9/11 type crisis. Because it is human nature. If we have it in us during a crisis, we can live it without a crisis. It sounds unreasonable doesn't it? But it's only unreasonable until we realize it and if we all focused on our possibilities step by step, minute by minute, person to person... well just Imagine.

Just imagine that we can. Oh Yes we can

Shelley-Lynne Domingue

28Aug08 Thursday 8:45am

I opened my email this morning to get the latest Neale Donald Walsh offering and again it goes perfect with my post yesterday. Life really is magic!

Here's the offering:

On this day of your life, Shelley, I believe God wants you to know...
. .that just when it looks like life is falling apart, it may be falling together for the first time.

I have learned to trust the process of life, and not so much the outcome. Destinations have not nearly as much value as journeys.

So maybe you should let things fall apart at this juncture if that's what's happening. Don't hang on so tenaciously. The nice thing about things falling apart is that you can pick up only the pieces that you want...

...and you know exactly why I told you this today...

Love, Your Friend....end


EY

Crush Self Doubt

Wednesday 27Aug08 12:27pm

When one door closes another one opens. So I’m trying to believe that as I hold the tears at bay.
Boy oh boy crappy things really can happen, can’t they? And with all the law of attraction I know about and all that it’s easy to fall into just sitting with the negativity having a good cry and asking the cosmos ‘WHY?”

I’m not really sure what this is all about. What is the purpose? But I can’t ask why, I just need to ask, What do I choose now?

It’s ironic that I would receive that message from Neale Donald Walsh of conversations with God fame. I get regular emails entitled ‘I believe God wants you to know.’ And most recently the message I’ve kept at my desk is this:

On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
...that "Why is this happening?" is the most useless question in the Universe.

The only really profitable question is, "What?" As in, "What do I choose now?" This question empowers. The "why" question simply perplexes, and rarely satisfies even when it gets a good answer.

So don't try to "figure it out." Stop it. Just focus on what you now wish to create. Keep moving forward. There's nothing behind you that can possibly serve you better than your highest thoughts about tomorrow.

You will not have to think but a second to know exactly why you received this message today. end


It was appropriate when I received it and it’s even more appropriate today. I’ve got a question to ask to reframe my thoughts and move my focus forward.

What do I choose now? I do not know the reasoning behind why I am having all these issues, Maybe I want what I want too much. I don’t really know. There is apparently a method to all this madness.

It’s hard to be optimistic when I keep getting slapped right down. I honestly don’t know what to do other than ask the question, what do I choose now, and keep asking it until I figure out what to choose. I know that being depressed serves no real purpose which is a vast improvement on the way my thoughts can work. Depression is a choice, it follows my thoughts. It’s that simple.

I feel like I am dodging bullets left right and centre. And the bullet grazes hurt like hell. So the positive side of that is, imagine how much worse the full on effect of being hit by the proverbial bullets? Apparently with the Kevlar vest, there is still bruising.

And today’s card from Christin Snider is absolutely perfect with all this.

Today's Card: Ace of Clubs (Wands)

In this card the scepter reaches out from the clouds like the hand of heaven. Behind it lies the hill with a beautiful castle.
Wands/Clubs signify new beginnings, the seeds of ideas, fresh starts, and manifesting our energy in ways that allow us to reach our goals.

Where thoughts flow so does our energy, so it becomes very important to direct our thoughts (and therefore our energy) in empowered ways.
Rather than focus on what's "wrong" or potential failure etc, it is important to keep our eyes turned towards the goal, and more importantly to stay motivated and encouraged now so that the goal doesn't seem so elusive.

The success of a journey is not merely the destination, but all the growth and opportunities that occur on all phases, from initial thoughts and planning, to action and then ultimately to achievement.

Ace's often carry with them some element of surprise or hidden opportunity, so make the most of all situations that present themselves to you. Look for new approaches to old challenges as well.

You may find yourself surprised by a sudden change in plans, go for the change :), happiness comes in surprise packages.

The Ace of Clubs reminds us that it is necessary for you to make the first step, to try something different, and be on the lookout for new ideas. Be receptive and open to the possibility of change/alternatives being presented. end

So there I go, there I go, there I go! Depression does nothing, being sad does nothing, asking why does nothing. I have one way to go and that is up. What the bleep do I choose now?
When you feel like your life is falling apart maybe it’s just a sign that it has to fall apart, you have to tear the sucker down and then you can build a new life, the life you really want.

And so I post this now, while I’m at work, because if there is anyone out there who feels like shit today and asks for that little miracle and happens along this blog, this could be your miracle. Miracles don’t have to be big. They can be about knowing that you are not alone.

A Japanese proverb that I found recently: Fall seven times, stand up eight!

EY

Stuff

Saturday 10:44am 12July08
I read this article that has motivated me to get rid of my "stuff". For all you pack rats out there, the main question that worked for me is to ask, "Would I replace this if I lost it in a fire?" I gotta whole lotta no's in my apartment. I started sorting through my no's and ruthlessly throwing them out. I couldn't bear to throw out my writer's magazines out right so I've decided to read them one by one and then leave them at a library. I'm going to label them saying something to that effect so other people could read them if they choose.



EY