05 June 2011

Clearing Old Energy

5June11 Sunday
"Oh Man, the universe had to send me the most attractive, intoxicating guy for me to say no to in order for me to clear the old energy. It's not a learned lesson without a certain level of difficulty." My journal entry from 1June11.

Yep, I'm feeling the tests of the universe, that is for sure. It's always that way, when you say you want to stand for something, like wanting to feel good, the Universe will send you these curves to see how fully committed you are to your new stance. My latest test has been the most adorably gentle, intoxicating man I have ever met. I swear when I'm near him the aliens abduct my brain that is how intoxicated I get from him.

But something isn't quite right. I've been going to his work for 3 years. I never even realized he noticed me other than being a customer. And it's within the last couple months that there has been a decided difference. I won't get into the nitty gritty but he has come across as being very happy with me doing all the showing up. He has been wonderful when ever I see him. He makes me feel like he's happy to see me. He intoxicates me. But any kind of "outside of work" contact has been nil. Non-responsive to the couple emails I've sent him, no moves for my phone number. etc, etc. Everything feels so public all the time with no real moves for one on one. Warning signs?

In keeping with my new boundaries of how I want to be guided in my life, it doesn't make me feel good. I am filled with anxieties about him with all those questions that come up like, "When is he going to ask me out? When is he going to ask me for my phone number? Is he ever going to make a substantial move?"
Always when I leave I walk as I call it the "depression walk". Because I know it will be yet another week that I will have to wait. Now don't get me wrong, I do love a man who takes his time and doesn't rush things but getting to know each other on a one on one basis doesn't fall into rushing things it falls into moving things forward.

It's interesting though because his presence has helped me to adjust some of my daily affirmations.

I've been through this too many times to count. I've been the woman who shows up and shows up and wonders all the questions above and eventually watches as the guy ends up with someone else. Ironically, the movie that was playing last night was, "He's just not that into you." Message? I think so. It's so easy to make excuses for people who don't quite choose me. Oh he's an, "Out of sight, out of mind" kind of person so I just have to make myself MORE available. Or he's shy so I'll have to take the reigns. Well, what I've been told by many men over the years is that even the shy ones find a way to ask a woman they like out.

It's funny how male/female interests can bring up so many family issues. I don't keep in touch with any of my family like I used to, after my mom died, because I realized one day that if I didn't call, they wouldn't call. It was hard to see that the only reason why a relationship was maintained was because I maintained it. Right, right... that was what ultimately fed into my bout of depression so many years ago. Interesting!

So I analyze this situation and I feel like I'm doing an awful lot of chasing for great feelings at the time but then when I walk away I feel like shit.

In my return email to my ex that I mentioned in the previous blog entry, I told him that one of my latest affirmations is I no longer need to attract this into my life (whatever 'this' is). And the sweetface intoxicator is helping me to add more of what I no longer need to attract into my life.

I no longer need to attract the feeling of being lonely in a love relationship again.
I no longer need to attract a man who makes me wait needlessly.

I want a man, I want people who choose me. Plain and simple. They don't have to be up my ass, but I know which people choose me and I certainly know when a man chooses me. And if there are bad childhood feelings that come up, clearly there are things I have to work on and I can only work on them the best way I can. But chasing after people who are not available for me for whatever reason breeds desperation and the question, "What's wrong with me?"

What's wrong with me that he doesn't call? What's wrong with me that I have to do all the work? And all the myriad of questions that can come up. There's nothing wrong with me. I am more than enough.

He is just not that into me. He doesn't choose me and in order to feel good, I can't choose him.


No comments: