07 May 2012

Maybe This Is the Best

I’m a tweaker, I’m never really satisfied with the way things are. You know, my life would be better if I could lose about 20lbs, work out daily, be committed to my Qigong and Kundalini Yoga practice, write daily, complete my novel. Oh if only I could be neater, keep a cleaner apartment, have a fail-safe system for well, EVERYTHING! (rolls eyes)

I can drive myself crazy with all the things I didn’t do, haven’t done, could do better. My life would be so much better... but would it? There’s always one more thing to fix, one other thing that is missing.

What’s brought this up is that lately life has been pretty good for me. My really difficult work issues have been resolved, my debts are being paid down – one by one, life at home is calm, I’m no longer in physical pain. I’ve been through so many trying times emotionally and physically and now that things are good, I’m still a bit scared of any bad that may be around the corner. I want to enjoy this good but there’s still that part of me who has to brace herself for the worst case scenario. Then, on top of that, I want to enjoy this good but if I could tweak this situation a little, well...

I think it was Nora Ephron who wrote that when you’re 50 you’ll wish you still had the thighs you hated when you were 30. Isn’t that the way for all aspects of our lives? In retrospect that extra 5lbs wasn’t as bad as this extra 20. Doing daily Kundalini yoga isn’t as great as the long walks I used to regularly take with my gal-pal.

Maybe this is the best anything is going to be in my life right now. Can I learn to love my life exactly as it is? Can I learn to accept my so-called fat, my messy, my imperfect and laugh anyway, enjoy my life anyway, love anyway? Can I remind myself that in 10 or 20 years I’ll wish I had enjoyed myself more?

There’s a piece of advice I always give to people who are in between jobs and are searching frantically. I tell them to try to take a bit of time everyday to simply enjoy all this free time you have. I know that bills loom and you need groceries and all that practical stuff but when you do return to work, the only thing you’ll wish is that you did more of the things you enjoy when you had the time.

Of course we all know that the advice we give to others is usually the message we need to hear the most. This issue is so huge for me, enjoying my life right now. Go out anyway, even if I think I look fat in this outfit. Write a blog entry on my lunch break and call that daily writing, even if it’s still not novel work. Simply try to be a little more satisfied in this moment without thinking about how I’d tweak it to make it better. Because, really, when the bad times or hard times show up again, as part of the cycle, while I am trying to dig myself out of it, I’ll also be wishing that I enjoyed the good times a little stronger when they were here.


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