I went through 4 years of complete hell. The more time spent in hell the more I turned to Christine DeLorey’s wisdom. Creative Numerology . Finally at the end of my personal 7 year in 2010 which brought me to my knees, I decided to purchase Christine’s personal year book for my personal 8 year which would be in 2011. Mostly because my personal 8 year was going to move me in a positive direction. One of the things Christine had mentioned to me personally in our Facebook communications was that if I faced down the demons of my 7 year, my personal 8 year would clear out most of the junk and dirt. I had to be brave. The personal 8 year would be more of a solitary year but with a difference.
In 2011, my personal 8 year, I found that it took me a few months, probably three, to shake off the stench of the previous year and the fear of the previous four years. It was interesting, I entered 2011 with the attitude of, “If I have to fight for my rights, my voice, my value, I will burn everything down in my path.” but I also had the trepidation that “more of the same” might be my destiny. You know how when you first get off a motorcycle your legs are still vibrating? Well my everything was still vibrating. I was focused on climbing out of the shit pile but that shit smell was still following me a little.
I’m big on themes and titles and at some point I called 2011 “Solitary with a Purpose.” By the end of 2010 (my 7 year) I declared that the push and pull and abuse of the year was all orchestrated to make me say it... I wasn’t going to be a door mat for anyone anymore. I would try to be nice about it first but since the previous hell years proved time and again that that not every one could hear nice, I’d have to make the decision to speak up for myself in all incidences. ‘It doesn’t matter, things will happen the way they happen, speak up for yourself!’ I promised myself that I would yell it until they heard me. And if certain people still couldn’t hear that, then they had to go. No looking back. I’m done with you, cross the street if you see me. ha-ha!
At some point within 2011, I realized that the Solitary with a purpose theme was to enable me to hear my voice and dream my answers. I’m not big on unsolicited advice because it blocks out my voice and when my voice is blocked I don’t remember the dreams I have at night that actually provide me with the answers that I need.
I started keeping notes of any event that felt pertinent. And now as i look back they will provide me with info for years to come.
In January, I made a decision about a person I had an acrimonious relationship with that not only would I get my act together (Make a plan) but I would move on when I said so (my decision, not his). I wasn’t going to simply run away.
In February, I was ‘walking in anger’ as I called it in my notes. I was confrontational and I was calling it as I saw it. Yes a few people were left in tears, it was a process that was needed. The pendulum swings to extremes before it comes to the middle.
In April, during the Easter Long weekend, I had what I call a Spiritual Awakening that included a complete emotional breakdown/ release. I love the timing of life sometimes. Right on time! The Thursday before Good Friday I watched You Tube videos of elephants specifically a series on Shirley and Jenny. (We can watch TV and be on the computer at my part-time job.) By the time my co-worker came to give me my break, I was brimming with emotion. I tried to tell her about those videos and all that they were teaching me but instead I went into these uncontrollable sobs. The best part of it all was I kept trying to stop the sobbing and I kept trying to talk.
What a scary mess of an ugly crying emotional tornado. The poor kid, she was 19 years old, so adorable and innocent looking AND her name means innocent! She’s watching me meltdown like the wicked witch of the west being doused with water. I kept begging myself to walk away and stop talking so I could get my composure but I had no control over any of it. I couldn’t stop sobbing, I couldn’t stop talking, I couldn’t stop any of it. I finally went to the washroom to clean up the evidence of the ugly crazy cry and then I went outside. I went around the corner so if anyone else who came out on their break they wouldn’t see me or talk to me because I knew that I would lose it again.
I’m standing outside and I look up at the sky and there are these clouds. The shape of the clouds? Six elephant heads looking down at me like a cameo you wear on a necklace. Mother elephants. I started to cry softly and said to the Universe, to God, to All That Is, ‘tell me what you want me to do. I’ll do whatever you tell me.’
I felt the message, “Forgive and move into your light.”
You know that voice inside that whispers only once? It was that voice.
I nodded my head.
Apologizing to my innocent co-worker yet again when I went back, she told me a story of her own crazy cry that she had in front of all of her co-workers and a customer. I held my hand up to my mouth, my eyes wide and whispered “No!”
She says, “yeah, we’re women, we cry!” Wise words from the innocent!
As you may have guessed there were elephants in my dreams that night and when I woke the next morning, my morning pages were filled with what it meant to me to step back into my light. And how I need to forgive myself as much as the other people and situations that I need to forgive. I finished the morning pages in time to watch the only morning show that I watched then, Unscripted. It’s an interview show that only shows the person answering the questions. The person on Good Friday was actress, Dee Wallace of Steven Spielberg’s ET movie fame. UnScripted - Dee Wallace
So here I am listening to Dee Wallace reiterating what I just wrote in my morning pages and she gives me a better affirmation, “I want to Feel good,” which became my guiding light from there on. Instead of speaking up in anger to people, I was telling them, “You’re a worth while human being and you deserve honesty. I want to feel good so I cannot have you in my life anymore. “ Imaginez – Vous? As my mother used to say.
I could have used all of the accusations and said screw off but instead I truly felt the gift in forgiving the past and moving on in a way that we could both feel good about. I want to feel good so I won’t be mean to you. And I want to feel good so I’m cutting you free from my life and me free from yours.
Elephants! I could re-hash all the reasons why I’m moving on, but it doesn’t matter, what will make me feel good is moving forward. I wish you the best and I hope that you too can find what makes you feel good. I also bought Dee Wallace’s book Bright Light, simply because I couldn’t’ get my hands on Conscious Creation. Having since read both books, I actually prefer Bright Light.
In July I had the only major angry out burst of the year. In my notes, I call it an Emotional Detox. It was with the person I’d had the acrimonious relationship with for the past few years. In retrospect, I think he needed to see me reach my limit.
Four days later, when we had an opportunity to talk with calmer heads (my calmer head, he never lost it), we had a heart to heart that transformed our relationship. We had a heart to heart where I fully understood what he was going through and my compassion was ignited. We had a heart to heart and everything that went before was forgiven and absolved.
In my personal 8 year, I learned that miracles happen. That I don’t always have to walk away which has been my M.O. throughout my life. That I can feel good and let go of people who I’ve outgrown. And when I’ve tried every angle, I can lose my cool and transform everything.