14 February 2013
Being Small
On Grey's Anatomy tonight Bailey said, "I don't want to make myself small. If I stay here I'll have to keep making
myself small"
You can always tell the woman's touch in the writing of Grey's. There's always a good quote that makes me think about how I feel about things.
How often do we make ourselves smaller just to keep the peace. I won't be honest, I won't speak my mind just to avoid an argument. I won't show how happy I am or mention my good news because some people may feel insecure about it. I won't look like I enjoy myself too much. Won't bring too much attention to myself. Really, I'll just stop being me.
Do we always have to leave situations where we're made to feel small? If we stay, how can we stay and keep some sort of balance? Maybe the people who keep challenging us, taunting us to be small are really here to remind us to be our big selves, our true selves, our full selves. We need to stop being small because it doesn't work anyway.
No person in an abusive relationship has ever stopped the abuse by being quiet.
EY
12 February 2013
Gratitude 2013
12Feb13
I made plans with my friend Ben back in May 2012 to meet up with him and his family in Niagara Falls in late December 2012. We hadn't seen each other in 16 years. We'd lost contact for about 10 years and with the beauty of social media, namely, Facebook, he found me and we've been in touch ever since. I still can't believe he found me or that he remembered my last name because NOBODY ever spells my last name right. Just goes to show you, me, when someone really really cares...
We met up in Niagara Falls and it was like we'd never had all those years between us. We got on like a house on fire and laughed and insulted each other and kept stopping in mid sentence to just look at each other. His family asked the questions like, How did you two meet? And when I told the story, Ben laughed out loud, "that's exactly what happened!" ha-ha! He would tell me a memory of us that was still in the forefront of his mind and I would tell him my memory.
Shit! I'm smiling as I'm typing!
It was a wonderful trip. So wonderful to be around him and his boyfriend and his family. The over priced tours of which we paid too much for the crazy pictures the tour organizers took of us. I never buy those pictures! But they are such special memories for all of us. We paid. One of the best things that was said was after his boyfriend asked me about my cats and I made a funny face like, How so you know about my cats, and Brett says, "oh Ben always shows me your facebook page and status updates because he's usually laughing."
Can you hear the girl's high pitched, Ahhhhh!? Yeah it was said. lol
Anyway, once the parents went up to their Hotel room and the three of us went to the bar and chatted and caught up and reminisced, Ben asked, "When are you coming to Australia?"
Without skipping a beat I said, "for my 50th birthday, in a year."
So I'm saving up to go to Australia in March of 2014.
I came back to Toronto after our whirlwind weekend of silliness and new inside jokes and a smile to end all smiles and that's when I knew that this year was going to be all about gratitude. I have a lot to be grateful for, I want to focus on that.
Some of what I'm grateful for today:
Earlier in December, my cop friend sent me a message asking, are we going to see each other before Christmas? I replied that I'd understand if she was too busy being married and with a young child. But I could really use seeing you because such and such happened. She messaged me right back saying, I just spoke to my husband and he'll stay home with our daughter on Saturday can we meet up then? I was working but was available the Sunday, could she? Yep, spoke to husband and he would stay with their daughter on Sunday night instead. I am grateful because I never say I need anyone and one of the few times I did, they really moved mountains. They both work shifts and can be on opposite shifts and the like. This was no easy task.
My friends who know I'm a little hokey and never make fun of it. Hey a lot of people aren't into Astrology and Numerology and Messages from the Universe and half the things that I live my life by. But more people are starting to.
My cats. If you live with animals they really get to know you and they do things, special things. Yesterday morning during my anxiety Gatsby did something that he hasn't done in forever. He bit my feet while I was doing yoga. I think it's been about 2 years. He used to bite my feet during every yoga session and I would laugh hysterically. I got onto my yoga mat with my head hung a little low and when I did the move where the opposite leg and the opposite arm come up as my leg came back down he jumped my foot and bit me. I did a girlish squeal and started to laugh then I hugged him for being my pal. ha! Zelda has been super affectionate and Stormy has been really funny, as kittens are.
Budgeting! I'm committed to budgeting because of Australia, obviously. And it's been great. I've been getting the best groceries, getting the flyers, cooking based on sales and I've lost 5lbs in the mix. Grateful for that. Could lose another 20. Give 'er time! ;)
My Apartment. It's not extravagant but I can afford where I live, it has all that I need and it has peace and silence.
Blogging. I was telling a friend last week that he doesn't know the gifts that writing a page a day will bring him and that I'd been blogging off and on since 2006 (where have the years gone?!?) and because of it I've been able to find clarity on an idea that I've been bouncing in ny head for a few years. So I'm working on that idea.
Grateful for my new rocking chair. Been wanting one forever and overheard a co-worker discussing rocking chairs in her phone conversation. I said, not that I was eavesdropping but are you getting rid of a rocking chair? She didn't want to unless she was giving it to a good home. I have the good home. (smiles)
Another co-worker, my son, worked an event that had a lot of leftover cheese. He left me a box in the fridge at work with 10 different types of cheese. Full packages. I laughed my head off when I opened the box. I don't think I can eat all that cheese but I'ma try! Too funny.
My motto in 2010 was, 'I want to feel good'. I want to graduate that idea to 'I want to look for the Good.'
When you see it, you feel it.
EY
I made plans with my friend Ben back in May 2012 to meet up with him and his family in Niagara Falls in late December 2012. We hadn't seen each other in 16 years. We'd lost contact for about 10 years and with the beauty of social media, namely, Facebook, he found me and we've been in touch ever since. I still can't believe he found me or that he remembered my last name because NOBODY ever spells my last name right. Just goes to show you, me, when someone really really cares...
We met up in Niagara Falls and it was like we'd never had all those years between us. We got on like a house on fire and laughed and insulted each other and kept stopping in mid sentence to just look at each other. His family asked the questions like, How did you two meet? And when I told the story, Ben laughed out loud, "that's exactly what happened!" ha-ha! He would tell me a memory of us that was still in the forefront of his mind and I would tell him my memory.
Shit! I'm smiling as I'm typing!
It was a wonderful trip. So wonderful to be around him and his boyfriend and his family. The over priced tours of which we paid too much for the crazy pictures the tour organizers took of us. I never buy those pictures! But they are such special memories for all of us. We paid. One of the best things that was said was after his boyfriend asked me about my cats and I made a funny face like, How so you know about my cats, and Brett says, "oh Ben always shows me your facebook page and status updates because he's usually laughing."
Can you hear the girl's high pitched, Ahhhhh!? Yeah it was said. lol
Anyway, once the parents went up to their Hotel room and the three of us went to the bar and chatted and caught up and reminisced, Ben asked, "When are you coming to Australia?"
Without skipping a beat I said, "for my 50th birthday, in a year."
So I'm saving up to go to Australia in March of 2014.
I came back to Toronto after our whirlwind weekend of silliness and new inside jokes and a smile to end all smiles and that's when I knew that this year was going to be all about gratitude. I have a lot to be grateful for, I want to focus on that.
Some of what I'm grateful for today:
Earlier in December, my cop friend sent me a message asking, are we going to see each other before Christmas? I replied that I'd understand if she was too busy being married and with a young child. But I could really use seeing you because such and such happened. She messaged me right back saying, I just spoke to my husband and he'll stay home with our daughter on Saturday can we meet up then? I was working but was available the Sunday, could she? Yep, spoke to husband and he would stay with their daughter on Sunday night instead. I am grateful because I never say I need anyone and one of the few times I did, they really moved mountains. They both work shifts and can be on opposite shifts and the like. This was no easy task.
My friends who know I'm a little hokey and never make fun of it. Hey a lot of people aren't into Astrology and Numerology and Messages from the Universe and half the things that I live my life by. But more people are starting to.
My cats. If you live with animals they really get to know you and they do things, special things. Yesterday morning during my anxiety Gatsby did something that he hasn't done in forever. He bit my feet while I was doing yoga. I think it's been about 2 years. He used to bite my feet during every yoga session and I would laugh hysterically. I got onto my yoga mat with my head hung a little low and when I did the move where the opposite leg and the opposite arm come up as my leg came back down he jumped my foot and bit me. I did a girlish squeal and started to laugh then I hugged him for being my pal. ha! Zelda has been super affectionate and Stormy has been really funny, as kittens are.
Budgeting! I'm committed to budgeting because of Australia, obviously. And it's been great. I've been getting the best groceries, getting the flyers, cooking based on sales and I've lost 5lbs in the mix. Grateful for that. Could lose another 20. Give 'er time! ;)
My Apartment. It's not extravagant but I can afford where I live, it has all that I need and it has peace and silence.
Blogging. I was telling a friend last week that he doesn't know the gifts that writing a page a day will bring him and that I'd been blogging off and on since 2006 (where have the years gone?!?) and because of it I've been able to find clarity on an idea that I've been bouncing in ny head for a few years. So I'm working on that idea.
Grateful for my new rocking chair. Been wanting one forever and overheard a co-worker discussing rocking chairs in her phone conversation. I said, not that I was eavesdropping but are you getting rid of a rocking chair? She didn't want to unless she was giving it to a good home. I have the good home. (smiles)
Another co-worker, my son, worked an event that had a lot of leftover cheese. He left me a box in the fridge at work with 10 different types of cheese. Full packages. I laughed my head off when I opened the box. I don't think I can eat all that cheese but I'ma try! Too funny.
My motto in 2010 was, 'I want to feel good'. I want to graduate that idea to 'I want to look for the Good.'
When you see it, you feel it.
EY
Challenging People
12Feb13
I've been trying to ask the Universe for help lately. You know how you can ask yourself a question and get an answer to it in random places?
I've got a couple of really challenging people in my work life. One of them looks for ways to punish me repeatedly because he's mad at me. I told him he was nasty when I discovered him flossing his teeth in the office. I'm sorry, that is nasty. And the other challenging person has been a challenge for 6 years now. I've tried everything. I've tried to avoid this person. I've tried to befriend this person. I've tried to ignore this person. And then some.
This person is like my Mercury Retrograde Nemesis. She'll be calm and forget about me for months at a time and then like Mercury Retrograde she'll peek back around wreaking that murphy's law type of havoc in my life. I don't get it. I've always been of the belief that we agree we don't like each other so let's just stay away from each other. The Challenging ones never seem to live by that motto.
It's been about two weeks now since she's begun her campaign again. Lord only knows what set her off.
But the one Wednesday she blamed me for something that clearly wasn't my fault and I knew it was time to move into avoidance mode as much as possible. Hey I'm a Pisces, we can disappear while standing right in front of you. We have skills. lol Sadly the avoidance mode hasn't been working. It's like she made a pact with herself to remember to pick at me from every angle.
I started to feel anxious about the whole thing because I was thinking it through too much. I was thinking, preparing, myself for all the angles she was going to come at me from. Thinking about where I might need to cover myself. Thinking about what I might say in my own defence. Thinking, thinking, thinking and driving myself a little crazy. Okay more than a little.
Yesterday I got up to get ready for work and I felt dread. The chatter in my head was about: I've fought all these battles before, I've proven myself time and time again, I don't want to have to do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, Oh My God I'm going to have to find another job! I worked myself up and then I realized, I can't go to work like this. So I got quiet.
What am I going to do? I looked up a little and said, "Okay, can you help me out here? I need your help, I don't know what I should do."
I thought I'll do some yoga to stretch out my body and calm my mind. Now I usually just slip a DVD into my laptop but instead I decided to slip it into my TV DVD. I turned on the TV and the channel was on an informercial on depression. Some CD program that you listen to that gives you tips on how to deal with depression and get you off the meds if you're on them. "Yep, yep, it's my thinking," I said and thanked the Universe for the quick help.
I did my Kundalini Yoga session and during the meditation portion of it I heard the thought, you can heal your life.
Right? I pulled out Louise Hay's book, You can Heal Your Life and went straight to the Relationships chapter and read it. This book was the first self help book I ever bought and I turn back to it when things get beyond tough for me. The gist of it is that it's not others we need to change it's us. So I kept it in my mind that what will change this challenging relationship for me is me changing somehow. Good direction.
I got myself bathed and as I was getting ready for work I thought that listening to the news wasn't going to help me none so I flipped around looking for some TV church. I found a channel and the Evangelist was talking about FAITH. Having faith, keeping faith, believing with faith. Good good.
As I walked to work I thanked the Universe for the help. Actually I looked up at the sky and said, "Thank you for that. I know you heard me."
I read more of You Can Heal Your Life last night. The stuff about blessing the person. Whenever the person comes into your mind, "bless them with love every time you think of them." I've been working on it. A part of me wants to ask her, Are you okay? Or maybe ask, can we go to lunch and have a chat? And the other part of me is still pissed at these years of torture. Hey I'm only human.
In my 'only humanness' and flipping back and forth today between blessing her and being pissed off I came across this message from Jennifer Hoffman that really was a strong message and reminds me that blessing her is my only option if I want to move forward in my joy. Being pissed off just attracts more of the same.
Here is Jennifer's full message:
“The most challenging people in your life are not there for you to heal their darkness, they are there for you to learn how to maintain your light. While their healing is an option (which they have to choose for themselves) that your presence affords them, the real value of the connection is for you to be able to remember who you are and to evolve from lifetimes of suffering, sacrifice and martyrdom into the power of your own presence. Our healing occurs when we stand in the light in spite of the darkness we are surrounded by, not by how many people we convince to leave their darkness for the light.
When we release our guilt over being in the light when others appear to be in darkness (which is their choice), we become better teachers and leaders. We can lead others out of darkness not by showing them how dark it is in the dark, by become an example of how much more powerful it is to live in the light. When we live in the darkness for the sake and purpose of reminding someone of the darkness' limitations (which they already know), we aren't serving anyone.
We didn't come to the world to turn our light off but to shine it brightly, so shine on and live in joy, without guilt. How powerful is it to stand in a dark room and tell someone that there is a better option that we'll show them, as soon as they decide to get out of the dark room. How much more powerful is it to be in the most brightly lit, joyful and powerful place we can imagine for ourselves, see them standing at the doorway and inviting them to come in?
Jennifer Hoffman from my upcoming book: Evolving at the Speed of Soul”
I expect there will be more challenges before things change for the better but I have Faith that I can stay within my light and I don't need to be dragged into the darkness that this person chooses to live in.
2013 feels like a year to focus on gratitude. These messages from the universe are definitely things to be grateful for.
EY
The most challenging people in your life are there for you to learn how to maintain your light. The real value of the connection is for you to be able to remember who you are and to evolve from lifetimes of suffering, sacrifice and martyrdom into the power of your own presence. Our healing occurs when we stand in the light in spite of the darkness we are surrounded by. When we release our guilt over being in the light when others appear to be in darkness (which is their choice), we become better teachers and leaders. We can lead others out of darkness not by showing them how dark it is in the dark, by become an example of how much more powerful it is to live in the light. We didn't come to the world to turn our light off but to shine it brightly, so shine on and live in joy, without guilt.
I've been trying to ask the Universe for help lately. You know how you can ask yourself a question and get an answer to it in random places?
I've got a couple of really challenging people in my work life. One of them looks for ways to punish me repeatedly because he's mad at me. I told him he was nasty when I discovered him flossing his teeth in the office. I'm sorry, that is nasty. And the other challenging person has been a challenge for 6 years now. I've tried everything. I've tried to avoid this person. I've tried to befriend this person. I've tried to ignore this person. And then some.
This person is like my Mercury Retrograde Nemesis. She'll be calm and forget about me for months at a time and then like Mercury Retrograde she'll peek back around wreaking that murphy's law type of havoc in my life. I don't get it. I've always been of the belief that we agree we don't like each other so let's just stay away from each other. The Challenging ones never seem to live by that motto.
It's been about two weeks now since she's begun her campaign again. Lord only knows what set her off.
But the one Wednesday she blamed me for something that clearly wasn't my fault and I knew it was time to move into avoidance mode as much as possible. Hey I'm a Pisces, we can disappear while standing right in front of you. We have skills. lol Sadly the avoidance mode hasn't been working. It's like she made a pact with herself to remember to pick at me from every angle.
I started to feel anxious about the whole thing because I was thinking it through too much. I was thinking, preparing, myself for all the angles she was going to come at me from. Thinking about where I might need to cover myself. Thinking about what I might say in my own defence. Thinking, thinking, thinking and driving myself a little crazy. Okay more than a little.
Yesterday I got up to get ready for work and I felt dread. The chatter in my head was about: I've fought all these battles before, I've proven myself time and time again, I don't want to have to do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, Oh My God I'm going to have to find another job! I worked myself up and then I realized, I can't go to work like this. So I got quiet.
What am I going to do? I looked up a little and said, "Okay, can you help me out here? I need your help, I don't know what I should do."
I thought I'll do some yoga to stretch out my body and calm my mind. Now I usually just slip a DVD into my laptop but instead I decided to slip it into my TV DVD. I turned on the TV and the channel was on an informercial on depression. Some CD program that you listen to that gives you tips on how to deal with depression and get you off the meds if you're on them. "Yep, yep, it's my thinking," I said and thanked the Universe for the quick help.
I did my Kundalini Yoga session and during the meditation portion of it I heard the thought, you can heal your life.
Right? I pulled out Louise Hay's book, You can Heal Your Life and went straight to the Relationships chapter and read it. This book was the first self help book I ever bought and I turn back to it when things get beyond tough for me. The gist of it is that it's not others we need to change it's us. So I kept it in my mind that what will change this challenging relationship for me is me changing somehow. Good direction.
I got myself bathed and as I was getting ready for work I thought that listening to the news wasn't going to help me none so I flipped around looking for some TV church. I found a channel and the Evangelist was talking about FAITH. Having faith, keeping faith, believing with faith. Good good.
As I walked to work I thanked the Universe for the help. Actually I looked up at the sky and said, "Thank you for that. I know you heard me."
I read more of You Can Heal Your Life last night. The stuff about blessing the person. Whenever the person comes into your mind, "bless them with love every time you think of them." I've been working on it. A part of me wants to ask her, Are you okay? Or maybe ask, can we go to lunch and have a chat? And the other part of me is still pissed at these years of torture. Hey I'm only human.
In my 'only humanness' and flipping back and forth today between blessing her and being pissed off I came across this message from Jennifer Hoffman that really was a strong message and reminds me that blessing her is my only option if I want to move forward in my joy. Being pissed off just attracts more of the same.
Here is Jennifer's full message:
“The most challenging people in your life are not there for you to heal their darkness, they are there for you to learn how to maintain your light. While their healing is an option (which they have to choose for themselves) that your presence affords them, the real value of the connection is for you to be able to remember who you are and to evolve from lifetimes of suffering, sacrifice and martyrdom into the power of your own presence. Our healing occurs when we stand in the light in spite of the darkness we are surrounded by, not by how many people we convince to leave their darkness for the light.
When we release our guilt over being in the light when others appear to be in darkness (which is their choice), we become better teachers and leaders. We can lead others out of darkness not by showing them how dark it is in the dark, by become an example of how much more powerful it is to live in the light. When we live in the darkness for the sake and purpose of reminding someone of the darkness' limitations (which they already know), we aren't serving anyone.
We didn't come to the world to turn our light off but to shine it brightly, so shine on and live in joy, without guilt. How powerful is it to stand in a dark room and tell someone that there is a better option that we'll show them, as soon as they decide to get out of the dark room. How much more powerful is it to be in the most brightly lit, joyful and powerful place we can imagine for ourselves, see them standing at the doorway and inviting them to come in?
Jennifer Hoffman from my upcoming book: Evolving at the Speed of Soul”
I expect there will be more challenges before things change for the better but I have Faith that I can stay within my light and I don't need to be dragged into the darkness that this person chooses to live in.
2013 feels like a year to focus on gratitude. These messages from the universe are definitely things to be grateful for.
EY
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