Projector Island

Saturday 19Nov16

I've been working through so much stuff that I stopped pressuring myself to get everything/anything done.
That everything included blogging.

So much has happened since my trip to Australia in February & March of 2014 plus happening upon Human Design once I got back. There hasn't been much to write about except for really personal stuff. My blogs are somewhat personal of course but there is some personal that I'm not willing to share in this format.

I've mostly been coming to this place where I've allowed everything to slow down. Stop chasing, sit back and wait. I've been fighting it too mind you. Returning from my trip to Australia was definitely the dividing point where my social life got even slower than it has ever been. Finding ways to accept this fact without bitterness. Finding ways to understand that there are lulls. Finding ways to accept that there are lulls. Acceptance ahh! Acceptance.

I'm not going to lie. I was pissed at friends who I'd bought presents for who I never did see. I've since given those presents to other people. I was pissed at making contact attempts that I knew were read but people/friends just never seemed to respond to. I swear I felt like I was being punished for finally having something good and as big as Australia happen in my life.

Does anyone else try to force things, push things forward, rail against what is, to change it into something better than what is? I'm learning how to calm that noise. I'm learning how to be present to what is right in front of me. The Police horse with the blinders that blocks the peripheral vision of all the traffic to the left and right that keeps her from getting spooked.

I have moved to Projector island. On Projector island I go about my day to day. I allow the Universe to guide me and tell me who is meant to be in my life by the invitations I receive, finding my clarity on whether or not I want to accept those invitations and the energy that is there or isn't there for the invitations. It's been pretty quiet on Projector Island but quiet has its place. I often forget that.

In the quiet, I've had time to focus on what type of invitations I would like to be prepared for. I'm learning how to save money. Substantial money. Saving for trips I'd like to take. Saving to move. Saving for those magical rare invitations that do come, that will come. I'm starting to believe that being a projector can be wonderful if you open up your belief system and allow the magic. You have to have faith in some magic.

There's that old question, "If you were stranded on an island what would you want to have with you?"

One of those things for me is magic.

As I slowly study Human Design and the slowness of any action in being a projector the image is of a person, me, going on my merry way with my aura radiating and touching others. It's in the way my aura touches others that bring on the invitations or not. When I explained it to a fellow projector friend of mine I said to her, "it's like sitting in a public place reading a book that you are totally engrossed in."

Someone will see you and comment, "You look like you're really enjoying that book!" An invitation.
There are different ways that you react.
With one person you will say, "Yes it's fantastic!" And you'll give them an enthusiastic synopsis.
With another person you will smile and nod your head and go right back to reading.

Life on Projector Island is like reading a book. That is all I need to do. And my aura does all the attracting for me.

I was simply doing my job when I responded to Kyle's email. He needed me to book the loading dock for him and I did. Once everything was said and done, a day or so later, I got an email that said that Kyle wanted to connect on linked in. I accepted his request and didn't think much more of it.

Earlier this month I received a message from Kyle inviting me to a Black Bloggers United meet up. The best part about the invitation is that the meet up was a few blocks away from where I live. I gave myself some time to find the clarity and then accepted the invitation.

The magic part is that for the last couple of months I've kept planning to go out on a Saturday and find a public place to sit and work on my blogs. I know it's the energy of other peoples auras that fuel me. I still hadn't managed to actually get out of the house up to this point. I've been working both jobs on Fridays. So much has changed at my day job. On Fridays I work a full 8 hours at my day job and a full 8 hours at the part time job so by the time I get home on Saturday mornings I've been up close to 24 hours. Needless to say I've been sleeping the bulk of the day on Saturdays and ordering take out because I can't get my act together to get groceries.

This morning I was up at 10am, bathed and ready to meet up with the group. And I was excited. In Human Design the right invitation gives a Projector the energy. I got to the meet up on time and got to meet Kyle and his beautiful wife Nicole and the other people that showed up. Nicole runs the Toronto chapter of Black Bloggers United. I had to laugh too because isn't it always the way that when you're in a group of new people the people look familiar? The best part was that I'd just read a blog entry last week from Black Foodie.

I had a lovely time with these new beautiful, knowledgeable people who are looking to be supported and provide support. Ideas were shared on how to make our blogs better. The bulk of the bloggers use their blogs for business, something I may do eventually. I am still in the personal blog stage while I discover what 'guiding' projector role I have to play. It still was a validation of me blogging.

I'd only mentioned this blog. I wasn't sure if I was going to even discuss Human Design at all. But then through the course of the conversations and a comment about getting people to show up to events I mentioned an aspect of advertising that takes into consideration the different Human Design types. I then said that I have another blog that is only about Human Design. I never tell anyone about that blog (it is followed by people who are into Human design). And there was real interest in it which was pleasing.

Another comment about energy gained from invitations... Over the last couple weeks I've been filling my little writer's note book with ideas for blog entries. Something I haven't done in so long. I've been playing with possible directions that I might take. Being calm and present.

EY

Check out the people I met today:
Nicole Nurse

Dwainia Gray

Michelle Joseph

Eden Hagos

Adam H.C. Myrie

Challenging People

12Feb13

The most challenging people in your life are there for you to learn how to maintain your light. The real value of the connection is for you to be able to remember who you are and to evolve from lifetimes of suffering, sacrifice and martyrdom into the power of your own presence. Our healing occurs when we stand in the light in spite of the darkness we are surrounded by. When we release our guilt over being in the light when others appear to be in darkness (which is their choice), we become better teachers and leaders. We can lead others out of darkness not by showing them how dark it is in the dark, by become an example of how much more powerful it is to live in the light. We didn't come to the world to turn our light off but to shine it brightly, so shine on and live in joy, without guilt.

I've been trying to ask the Universe for help lately. You know how you can ask yourself a question and get an answer to it in random places?

I've got a couple of really challenging people in my work life. One of them looks for ways to punish me repeatedly because he's mad at me. I told him he was nasty when I discovered him flossing his teeth in the office. I'm sorry, that is nasty. And the other challenging person has been a challenge for 6 years now. I've tried everything. I've tried to avoid this person. I've tried to befriend this person. I've tried to ignore this person. And then some.

This person is like my Mercury Retrograde Nemesis. She'll be calm and forget about me for months at a time and then like Mercury Retrograde she'll peek back around wreaking that murphy's law type of havoc in my life. I don't get it. I've always been of the belief that we agree we don't like each other so let's just stay away from each other. The Challenging ones never seem to live by that motto.

It's been about two weeks now since she's begun her campaign again. Lord only knows what set her off.
But the one Wednesday she blamed me for something that clearly wasn't my fault and I knew it was time to move into avoidance mode as much as possible. Hey I'm a Pisces, we can disappear while standing right in front of you. We have skills. lol Sadly the avoidance mode hasn't been working. It's like she made a pact with herself to remember to pick at me from every angle.

I started to feel anxious about the whole thing because I was thinking it through too much. I was thinking, preparing, myself for all the angles she was going to come at me from. Thinking about where I might need to cover myself. Thinking about what I might say in my own defence. Thinking, thinking, thinking and driving myself a little crazy. Okay more than a little.

Yesterday I got up to get ready for work and I felt dread. The chatter in my head was about: I've fought all these battles before, I've proven myself time and time again, I don't want to have to do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, Oh My God I'm going to have to find another job! I worked myself up and then I realized, I can't go to work like this. So I got quiet.

What am I going to do? I looked up a little and said, "Okay, can you help me out here? I need your help, I don't know what I should do."
I thought I'll do some yoga to stretch out my body and calm my mind. Now I usually just slip a DVD into my laptop but instead I decided to slip it into my TV DVD. I turned on the TV and the channel was on an informercial on depression. Some CD program that you listen to that gives you tips on how to deal with depression and get you off the meds if you're on them. "Yep, yep, it's my thinking," I said and thanked the Universe for the quick help.

I did my Kundalini Yoga session and during the meditation portion of it I heard the thought, you can heal your life.
Right? I pulled out Louise Hay's book, You can Heal Your Life and went straight to the Relationships chapter and read it. This book was the first self help book I ever bought and I turn back to it when things get beyond tough for me. The gist of it is that it's not others we need to change it's us. So I kept it in my mind that what will change this challenging relationship for me is me changing somehow. Good direction.

I got myself bathed and as I was getting ready for work I thought that listening to the news wasn't going to help me none so I flipped around looking for some TV church. I found a channel and the Evangelist was talking about FAITH. Having faith, keeping faith, believing with faith. Good good.

As I walked to work I thanked the Universe for the help. Actually I looked up at the sky and said, "Thank you for that. I know you heard me."

I read more of You Can Heal Your Life last night. The stuff about blessing the person. Whenever the person comes into your mind, "bless them with love every time you think of them." I've been working on it. A part of me wants to ask her, Are you okay? Or maybe ask, can we go to lunch and have a chat? And the other part of me is still pissed at these years of torture. Hey I'm only human.

In my 'only humanness' and flipping back and forth today between blessing her and being pissed off I came across this message from Jennifer Hoffman that really was a strong message and reminds me that blessing her is my only option if I want to move forward in my joy. Being pissed off just attracts more of the same.


Here is Jennifer's full message:
“The most challenging people in your life are not there for you to heal their darkness, they are there for you to learn how to maintain your light. While their healing is an option (which they have to choose for themselves) that your presence affords them, the real value of the connection is for you to be able to remember who you are and to evolve from lifetimes of suffering, sacrifice and martyrdom into the power of your own presence. Our healing occurs when we stand in the light in spite of the darkness we are surrounded by, not by how many people we convince to leave their darkness for the light.

When we release our guilt over being in the light when others appear to be in darkness (which is their choice), we become better teachers and leaders. We can lead others out of darkness not by showing them how dark it is in the dark, by become an example of how much more powerful it is to live in the light. When we live in the darkness for the sake and purpose of reminding someone of the darkness' limitations (which they already know), we aren't serving anyone.

We didn't come to the world to turn our light off but to shine it brightly, so shine on and live in joy, without guilt. How powerful is it to stand in a dark room and tell someone that there is a better option that we'll show them, as soon as they decide to get out of the dark room. How much more powerful is it to be in the most brightly lit, joyful and powerful place we can imagine for ourselves, see them standing at the doorway and inviting them to come in?
Jennifer Hoffman from my upcoming book: Evolving at the Speed of Soul”


I expect there will be more challenges before things change for the better but I have Faith that I can stay within my light and I don't need to be dragged into the darkness that this person chooses to live in.

2013 feels like a year to focus on gratitude. These messages from the universe are definitely things to be grateful for.


EY

28Aug08 Thursday 8:45am

I opened my email this morning to get the latest Neale Donald Walsh offering and again it goes perfect with my post yesterday. Life really is magic!

Here's the offering:

On this day of your life, Shelley, I believe God wants you to know...
. .that just when it looks like life is falling apart, it may be falling together for the first time.

I have learned to trust the process of life, and not so much the outcome. Destinations have not nearly as much value as journeys.

So maybe you should let things fall apart at this juncture if that's what's happening. Don't hang on so tenaciously. The nice thing about things falling apart is that you can pick up only the pieces that you want...

...and you know exactly why I told you this today...

Love, Your Friend....end


EY

Crush Self Doubt

Wednesday 27Aug08 12:27pm

When one door closes another one opens. So I’m trying to believe that as I hold the tears at bay.
Boy oh boy crappy things really can happen, can’t they? And with all the law of attraction I know about and all that it’s easy to fall into just sitting with the negativity having a good cry and asking the cosmos ‘WHY?”

I’m not really sure what this is all about. What is the purpose? But I can’t ask why, I just need to ask, What do I choose now?

It’s ironic that I would receive that message from Neale Donald Walsh of conversations with God fame. I get regular emails entitled ‘I believe God wants you to know.’ And most recently the message I’ve kept at my desk is this:

On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
...that "Why is this happening?" is the most useless question in the Universe.

The only really profitable question is, "What?" As in, "What do I choose now?" This question empowers. The "why" question simply perplexes, and rarely satisfies even when it gets a good answer.

So don't try to "figure it out." Stop it. Just focus on what you now wish to create. Keep moving forward. There's nothing behind you that can possibly serve you better than your highest thoughts about tomorrow.

You will not have to think but a second to know exactly why you received this message today. end


It was appropriate when I received it and it’s even more appropriate today. I’ve got a question to ask to reframe my thoughts and move my focus forward.

What do I choose now? I do not know the reasoning behind why I am having all these issues, Maybe I want what I want too much. I don’t really know. There is apparently a method to all this madness.

It’s hard to be optimistic when I keep getting slapped right down. I honestly don’t know what to do other than ask the question, what do I choose now, and keep asking it until I figure out what to choose. I know that being depressed serves no real purpose which is a vast improvement on the way my thoughts can work. Depression is a choice, it follows my thoughts. It’s that simple.

I feel like I am dodging bullets left right and centre. And the bullet grazes hurt like hell. So the positive side of that is, imagine how much worse the full on effect of being hit by the proverbial bullets? Apparently with the Kevlar vest, there is still bruising.

And today’s card from Christin Snider is absolutely perfect with all this.

Today's Card: Ace of Clubs (Wands)

In this card the scepter reaches out from the clouds like the hand of heaven. Behind it lies the hill with a beautiful castle.
Wands/Clubs signify new beginnings, the seeds of ideas, fresh starts, and manifesting our energy in ways that allow us to reach our goals.

Where thoughts flow so does our energy, so it becomes very important to direct our thoughts (and therefore our energy) in empowered ways.
Rather than focus on what's "wrong" or potential failure etc, it is important to keep our eyes turned towards the goal, and more importantly to stay motivated and encouraged now so that the goal doesn't seem so elusive.

The success of a journey is not merely the destination, but all the growth and opportunities that occur on all phases, from initial thoughts and planning, to action and then ultimately to achievement.

Ace's often carry with them some element of surprise or hidden opportunity, so make the most of all situations that present themselves to you. Look for new approaches to old challenges as well.

You may find yourself surprised by a sudden change in plans, go for the change :), happiness comes in surprise packages.

The Ace of Clubs reminds us that it is necessary for you to make the first step, to try something different, and be on the lookout for new ideas. Be receptive and open to the possibility of change/alternatives being presented. end

So there I go, there I go, there I go! Depression does nothing, being sad does nothing, asking why does nothing. I have one way to go and that is up. What the bleep do I choose now?
When you feel like your life is falling apart maybe it’s just a sign that it has to fall apart, you have to tear the sucker down and then you can build a new life, the life you really want.

And so I post this now, while I’m at work, because if there is anyone out there who feels like shit today and asks for that little miracle and happens along this blog, this could be your miracle. Miracles don’t have to be big. They can be about knowing that you are not alone.

A Japanese proverb that I found recently: Fall seven times, stand up eight!

EY

Quiet Times and Personal Meaning

Tuesday 1July08 9:59am

Today’s podcast (Episode 4) from Dr. Eric Maisel is on Personal Meaning
His podcast is Purpose-Centred Life - A Plan for Authentic Living. His podcasts and others can be found at Personal Life Media

I've been kind of quiet. I seem to be in a big processing mode, processing all the energies and messages flying my way. It's all good. The messages make me think about commitment level and mine in particular.

It's funny how when I look, so many messages can come my way. This morning I watched my kitten Gatsby eyeing my baby girl Zelda. When Zelda gets worn out from Gatsby and all his energy and bites, she goes as high in the apartment as possible because little guy Gatsby can't jump all that well. He's still a little guy at 4 months old and having started his life almost dying twice. He still has breathing issues, he sounds like an asthmatic at times. But that doesn't really stop him.

Anyway, Zelda gets on top of my stacked storage bins that are stacked three high. It's taller than my shelving unit in my kitchen. It's the place she calls peace. It's one of the three places that he can't get at. "Ha ha," she waves down at him, "you can't get me!"
This morning I'm lying in bed taking my time with waking fully, enjoying the moment. It is a holiday after all. I watch Gatsby run in and out of the kitchen just pissed that he can't get at Zelda. He stops at the bins and stares them down. He runs back into the main room, turns and runs at the bins. His little paws clip into the lid of the first bin and he tries to scale up to the second lid. He doesn't quite make it and plops off. Doesn't the little shit keep trying? Doesn't he scale up to the third bin with his little feet clawing the third lid and I swear he was laughing at Zelda and screaming HI! HI!. ha ha.
He flings himself on to the kitchen table and jumps up to the top bin to harrass poor Miss Zelda.

My immediate thought was, "talk about using your individual way to succeed."

Zelda ran off feeling bitter, no doubt, and Gatsby chased after her. When she ditched him by jumping up into the bathroom window he turned on his heels and ran back into the kitchen. By this time I was in there prepping my fruits and smoothies and stuff. I turned to watch him scale all the bins, pull himself on top and lie down! I swear watching little dude is a daily lesson on perseverance. He rocks!

Eric Maisel's podcast on Personal Meaning didn't leave me with many notes. I wrote stuff like:
"You get to decide what meaning is in your Life."
"Make life mean exactly what you want it to mean."
"What does life mean? Whatever I decide it to mean."
"Commit, 'I intend to matter in my own meaningful way'"

Good notes but nothing to blog about. But it's funny that since the last couple of days of listening to that podcast, examples of meaning have been showing up. Like Gatsby.

And I caught a couple shows on Global this morning. You gotta love holiday mornings when the programmers don't know what to put on television and they end up putting on some stellar stuff, sometimes. I caught two episodes of a show about second chances in life. And it's Canadian! One episode was about a woman who has won a woman of distinction award, Kim Beauregard (I think). She was overweight, stagnant in her life, unhappily married. She found her individual way to success. She's run marathons then after an injury started body building, won strongest woman award, became a nurse, is a personal trainer/coach, dog walker. She went from no where to now here, as Wayne Dyer likes to say.

She made a brilliant comment, "Even when you're at the back of the pack, you're still a runner."
Ah Personal Meaning at it's finest.

The other episode was about a woman who was really successful selling cars, Ferrari's, Maserati's and the like, which she loved. She was one of the crew members for her husband who races cars. She was living a pretty good existence. She got back into painting while on maternity leave and realized that her soul had been crying out for it. She worked out a new schedule at work to enable her to have Fridays off to paint and by fluke showed a guy her paintings, who subsequently got on the phone and was able to bring her paintings to a showing in Chicago and sold them all!

In the episode she discusses the struggle of giving up a comfortable job with benefits to the uneasyness of being a painter.
The scary dream of the artist's life rebounds in my head on a daily basis. How do I matter in my own meaningful way?

EY

Trust

Sunday 1:28pm 4May08

Yeah so I deleted what I originally wrote here cuz I now want it to be private!

EY

nb: I forgot to mention in my Gatsby post that I'd also been working on going through my clutter again. I found a piece of paper that said, "be the kind of person you want to attract." As I walked out from having filled in the application for adoption and asked myself how crazy I was for considering the adoption, I answered , "If you want love, give love."

Prisoner of Expectations

Thursday 1May08

Prisoner of Expectations
Through the silence I find one of my big issues pop up. Sometimes I find I’m upset or mad about stuff and I can’t articulate what the main issue is. Currently it’s the business culture of recognizing some people with awards for service and continually bypassing others. The different rules for different people syndrome! I know it all too well. I lived it in my childhood home first and am still regularly faced with it.

Back in 2000 or 2001 when I was going through similar changes but worse, I went to see a movie Café Ole with my girlfriend Tricia. It’s a cute little Montreal film about a guy that does for everyone else and somehow his life is passing him by while everyone depends on him and takes him for granted. Towards the end of the movie when he makes a drastic change he says a line that spoke to my life and made me cry. Tricia and I left the movie theatre and I was still crying. We walked through the Manulife Centre and I was still crying. As we were about to leave, she looked at me and asked, “Are you okay?” and I said, “I can’t get it together, that line is playing in my head. It’s me” and we stood outside the hair salon that I’d worked at earlier that year as I sobbed in Tricia’s arms. It was pretty big!

Here I am, present day, faced with the recognition issue. I study the times I’ve been taken for granted or not acknowledged for who I am. I don’t do anything for recognition but when others are recognized for less than what I’ve done as part of who I am the red flag comes up in my mind and I think, “Humph! I’ve been doing that and more forever and not a soul has mentioned anything.” Interesting!

As a Pisces, just about anything you read says that they are always last and are used to it. They walk through life not being recognized. Blah, blah, blah. But seriously, is it because I’m a freakin’ Pisces? And of all the things that are Pisces, why does that have to be the thing that is true? These days I see the lack of recognition, the high expectations and the general taking for granted of, as a message from the Universe not to feel guilty about moving on and following my inner voice and what dreams she concocts.

I’ve come a long way since that day I cried in Tricia’s arms and it’s been a long road, with dropping friends and changing jobs and sometimes yelling or slamming doors or fire bombing an incendiary email as a last resort. But it bowls me over when it creeps back in.

It’s the reason why we rebel against our parents. We’re trying so hard to identify ourselves and to be identified as who we are separate from who they want us to be for their own comfort level. I never really rebelled against my mother while she was alive. Not on this issue anyway. I was always the daughter I was expected to be. I’ve always been the employee, the friend, the lover I am expected to be. I am dependable and available and cheerful to do it and I don’t ask for much other than peace. But where are the people who are grateful for people like me? People who can express their gratitude? People like me are so easy to take for granted.

At the arts organization I worked at for 10 years, my boss scheduled me for the shitty shifts and worse, with people she knew I couldn’t stand on a regular basis. If it was a festival, all the lazy asses would be scheduled with their buds and I’d be stuck with shady character like clock work. Lazy asses would ask, “Are you being punished?” It made me wonder. When I discussed it, I was either told that she depended on me or (the slap in the face) I can’t schedule every body only with people they like. Hmm, but you depend on me, isn’t there some reward in that? Even with friends in the past (people I’ve since dropped or limited my contact), there were the constant stupid situations I’d be put into. And it’s not like I never speak up for myself.

When I finally reach my limit because surprisingly, to every one who watches it happen, I do have a limit, although it can take years, the culprits get uncomfortable. Or come up with lame ass excuses. Most recently I was told that I had all these walls so built up that this specific person felt that he didn’t have to worry about me (that was when I was in pain for three months and I’d asked, what kind of friend doesn’t call or email even once). I was told a few years back that the reason why I didn’t want to be included in invitations that included these two women that I didn’t like (and said I didn’t like the first time I met both of them) was that I was intimidated by strong women. Those two examples still irk me. And at work, past and present, well there’s a whole whack of examples of interesting reasons that are never quite based in reality. *sigh*

There is always that air that something is wrong with me for wanting to break out of the mold that makes everyone else comfortable but leaves me feeling unfulfilled. That level of invisibility, not being heard, not being recognized, being taken for granted, who wants to be constantly jiggling in that Jello mold? It’s always a shock when I make that large sweeping decision merely because people haven’t heard a fucking thing I said. I say it in a nice voice first because I genuinely like those people. Then I say it in a loud voice because I’m nearing the end and this is my final warning. And then I leave and their so damn surprised.

Why do I attract so many people who need so much attention that they can’t hear anything but the sound of their own voices? I believe that I live in a supportive universe and obviously the way I’m dealing with this issue isn’t working. I need to work on my thoughts, my energy and my actions. That’s what I contend with. That’s what clanked around my brain at 1am when all of a sudden, I was awake with no signs of falling back to sleep. I sat on my bed with my journal and started to write. I turned on the television to CBC and lo and behold, Café Ole was on. The supportive universe poking me to see if I remembered that there was a line in the movie that was so apt back in 2000 or 2001 and it was going to be again if I was going to wait to hear it.

The character writes it in a letter to the lady he’d been playing the piano for on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays for $5 each session. I’d forgotten that she had said a part of it first, which was what propelled him. And instead of Malcolm Kaye, the character playing piano, the lady now has Sal there (a character who Malcolm also helped). Because when we leave, people always find someone else to take our place, and I need to remember that. She asks Sal to read the letter again and in it Malcolm writes, “I am not going to be there to play the piano for you anymore because I am tired of being a prisoner of expectations.” And she smiles because she was a prisoner of expectations and missed out on what could have been her one true love.

And when I heard it I didn’t cry this time but I nodded my head. Yep, I’ve changed some but I still have some work to do. And because I know the universe is supportive, I just need to get my thoughts and actions and energy in line and constantly ask myself, what do I want? If I believe that I am taken for granted, I will constantly be faced with opportunities where I am taken for granted. And people are so seductive in their guilt trippy I depend on you speeches but when I leave they always find a replacement. It’s worth repeating.

It was only supposed to be for a short time, in my childhood home, when all this began. It was so the step sisters would be comfortable and would know that they were welcome. Somehow there was always an excuse to maintain the status quo. And I never rebelled as all of us must, at some point, in order to grow up.

So I step into this full-fledged realization with a little bit of rebellion and an awareness that I need to do what’s good for me (which I’ve gotten better at). That there will always be an excuse, a justification to keep me a prisoner and I just don’t look good in prison stripes.

EY

Law of Attraction

Wednesday 23Apr08 5:08am

I've started a daily practice of spending quiet reflective time before I go to bed. It's my deliberate creation time where I just lie in bed and think about what I want next, what I want to create. I've pulled out one of my favorite books, Creating Money by Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer. I read a few pages and then contemplate what I've read or find ways to apply it.

I like the Jerry and Esther Hicks Abraham material but find for me that the Sanaya Roman stuff really works. What I like about her work is that she makes you think about the essence of what you want and it gives you something to do to create the energy behind creating what you want.

Almost everything I've read mentions spending quiet, reflective time, aside from meditation, to think and listen and currently it feels like the time for me. Plus it gives me the excuse to lie in bed. ha ha! My bed bought during the pain of 2007 (spit on the ground everytime 2007 is mentioned) is the most comfortable bed I've ever slept in. And considering how much I love sleeping, imagine a world class sleeper sleeping in a comfortable bed. You too would look for opportunities to jump into it.

But I digress...

Last night I read this quote from Creating Money on page 10:
"On the earth plane you learn about manifesting in a linear, sequential way. You get to think about what you want, you get to rethink it, and you get to try it out. You can say, 'No, this isn't what I really wanted,' or 'Next time I think I'll ask for something different.' You have the opportunity to play with all the things you create. ...Practice becoming clear on your thoughts before they are manifested all about you."

I get to a good quote and stop reading the book and reflect on that quote. So as I fell asleep last night I went down with that quote. What I've also started doing is in the morning, when I wake up, I take about 15 minutes or so to listen and ease into getting up. In keeping with that quote, my thoughts were swirling over the things I've deliberately created in my life and the disappointments. I'm actually really good at creating what I want but the disappointments or the things that are missing have stopped me. I started to believe that somehow I was creating bad luck.

Hmm, I'll quote from this morning's journal entry, since I seemed to explain it better there:
I've had some fear behind creating and attracting because I know I'm really good at it but I feel that when I've gotten what I've wanted that there's been some big nightmare attached to it. For example, romantic heartbreak; the working for the life coach nightmare; group sales at OSC, relationship with chronically unavailable man... I've attached fear to deliberately creating because it feels like it fucks up.
But I realize that I need to adjust once I recognize that what I've attracted isn't quite up to par. Plus relax and know that I haven't failed.
... I name a bunch of things that I've created that have been excellent...
But as with everything I can't stop there. I need to then contemplate what's next to attract. As long as we're alive we KEEP attracting. And as we heal we attract healthier. So currently as I attract and as I see what is missing for me in it, I attract what else I want. I need to stop forcing a person or a job into being what's missing. Look at what I've attracted and adjust the list. Based on what I think is missing, write up what I want and live the essence. Things become stagnant because my attracting becomes stagnant.

Anyway, that's the journal entry and I'm feeling like it was a good epiphany for me to move forward. I was being a bit of a perfectionist and when my creations weren't perfect I was disillusioned. I think that's really important for people to recognize who are all wound into the law of attraction movement. I don't think that it's mentioned as clearly, or I've been stubbornly missing that part all this time. But somehow I think that it's not mentioned enough that as you create what you want and discover all these discrepancies (can't think of the right word, it is 5am) that you then zero in on those discrepancies and rethink them, or say, no this isn't what I wanted, or next time I'll ask for something different.

Or, I really love this part of it but I need more of this other stuff.

I was going to sign off by saying, Okay KY time! But I feel uncomfortable calling Kundalini Yoga KY because it makes me think of KY jelly. Okay I'm going to go lube myself now! ha ha

EY

In a second

Tuesday 6:22am 22Apr08

I've been telling myself every day, "Your life can change in a second." Just trying to keep my head up and not get engrossed in the problems that can arise and bury me.
Your life can change in a second, as I drag my ass out of bed and start all that I like to do before I go to work.
Your life can change in a second, as I sit at work wishing for something different but not totally sure what that different is. It's hard to get specific when you can't figure out what you want to do next. Well I know what I want to do but I still need to pay the rent.
Your life can change in a second, as I pull out my mat and practice my Kundalini Yoga.

Over the last couple weekends, I've tried to relax. I'm always so full of what needs to be done that even on the weekends I'm doing some kind of work, writing, cleaning the house, getting groceries, doing laundry. The last two Saturdays in a row, I've listened to what I want for that moment and have basically napped a lot and listened to music and just relaxed without guilt.
Sunday night I was contemplating how to focus my efforts and build in more relaxation time. I logged into my email to send myself reminders to my work email and was surprised by a message saying that a friend of mine who I'd lost contact with had added me as a friend on Facebook. At first I thought it was another friend who I'm already friends with. Then it clicked into my brain that the last name was different and Holy shit, it's him!

We've since sent eachother a couple messages and in his first he asked, "Now that I've found you, when you coming for a visit?" He lives in and is from Australia. And so my life has changed in a second. I've been fantasizing about moving to Australia. And although that may not happen, it's opened me up again to all the possibilities that are available to me. The beauty about being a single person is that you can up and leave without a second thought. You can do some things that may appear to be crazy to others. That motivated me to face some issues that I need to clean up and I've since started the ball rolling in a big way to clean up those messes. Plus I've got something to save up for... a trip to Australia.

I've already researched where he lives and it's too funny. For years I always talked about moving to BC but that has since left my reality because it's more expensive than Toronto. Isn't where he lives in Australia like BC? When I came to Toronto 25 years ago, I only knew one person. So really, what's the difference of moving to Australia and only knowing one person?

EY

Growth?

Saturday 19Apr08 4pm

I've been moving slow and trying to listen within for the next steps. I'm learning to be more patient with the process and reminding myself of some of the things I have learned over the years.

The main learning that I've been focused on is that I can't make any major decisions when I'm angry. Especially when it's an explosive anger, which it was about a month ago. In my explosive anger if I make a major decision it will be to shut down the shop and get the fuck out of dodge. But as I calm down and take the time to think I realize that I need to be practical and line up my bowling pins and get the focus needed to knock them all down with the one ball.
It isn't an easy thing to do. Our society is notorious for instant gratification and boy oh boy as my sister in law used to say, "God grant me patience but I want it right now!"

I'm realizing that I need to take more silent time. That I don't need the things that help me to avoid what I'm feeling like television or alcohol. In fact, since I've started doing Kundalini Yoga, I've noticed that when I think of buying beer on the way home from work I talk myself out of it. I haven't gone to the bar for a month. My internal voice reminds me that alcohol and heightened emotions cause people to do really stupid things, and who needs that? And the crap that we call television shows offer no real inspiration and help us to picture stupidity and violence and all sorts of negativity that we can't help but to attract more of it in our lives.

So I pull a boatload of books off my bookshelves. I read beginnings of books or flip through books or pile books on my desk for future use. I'm a little restless but I know it's part of the process. I either sleep too much or wake up after an hour or two of sleep and can't get back to sleep. My dreams are vivid and a tad weird and sometimes disturbing. Well, only one disturbing dream! I finally realized yesterday that if I can't sleep, I need to listen within and hear what it is that I need to hear.

One of the things I'm hearing within myself is about my stubbornness. Two days after my explosive anger I woke up with the sore neck and shoulders. I immediately made a Shiatsu appointment and as I was on the table and Julian was working on my neck I said without thinking about it, "all my stubbornness is in my neck." I was stunned about that in that , 'who said that?' way. After the treatment (getting beat up, as I jokingly told Julian) I wrote in my journal, 'my stubbornness is in my neck. What am I being stubborn about?' I still haven't written about it in my journal but it hovers in my mind as I go through each day.

I can of course be stubborn about my anger. Rehash my thoughts about a situation so I can't move forward nor forgive. So as it sits now I'm in full fledged coping mode. I walk with the protective shield around me. Which means that I share with limited people. I'm personable but keep most issues at arm's length. I'm in deep thinking, trying to make meaning of some of the issues that continue to pop up in my life. Stuff as far back as my childhood.

I face the jealousies. The first jealousy that I can remember was from my step sister who is also a Pisces. As children, I didn't get that to her, I had moved into her space. She was the oldest daughter and she had her father. When I came around, I became the oldest daughter and I had her father. Of course because she never lived with us, she didn't know the hell that was my daily life. She didn't witness her father's violence or demands or full out fuckery. When she and her sister came over for weekends and weeks at a time in the summers, the unspoken rule was that everything had to be perfect for my step dad's daughters. If he and my mother seemed like they were going to have an argument, he would drive his daughters back to their mother's house, then drive back for the argument. I never understood my step sister's need to compete with me especially since I felt no need to compete with her. But of course when you think that I am living some charmed life you're going to be bitter when you think it should be your charmed life.

Those type of jealousies have been popping up with me and although it is laughable, it really is quite disturbing and disheartening. What I notice is how some people are focused on keeping track of what I receive as if it's so much more than what they are receiving. The laughable part is that these people live in big houses, go on expensive vacations, have materialistic things and they are somehow jealous of me where it borders on a form of insanity. Seriously? When have I been on a fucking cruise? EVER!

I'm contemplating the childhood jealousy and the fake reality that my step sister was fed. And I'm contemplating the adult jealousies. I try to look for ways to reconcile all that is swirling around in my mind. What in the world does anyone have to be jealous about where I am concerned? Except for that small fact that happiness is free. You don't have to have material things in order to be happy. You don't have to go on cruises or backpack through Europe or hang out in some $80,000 a day room in Dubai to be happy. You can just choose to be happy for the simplest reasons. And that may be the rub. It took me three weeks to get rid of the all consuming anger that was raging within me and ultimately the only answer that keeps popping into my sometimes stubborn brain is to be happy despite the bullshit. Keep practicing Kundalini Yoga cuz it makes me feel good and calms me inside. hmm! And keep going for those Shiatsu treatments that take me out of my head and bring me back into my body.

EY

You Can Tell (Entry from W2L blog)

Saturday 10:34am 11Aug07

You can tell when my blogging time gets to be a bit too much for me because it starts to get a little too journaly. I find that I do go through cycles where I'm writing entries that I could have just put in my journal instead of on line. It's good to notice those cycles though. And even better not to beat myself up for them. It is just a cycle and eventually I'll move on to the next one.

I'm moving into hibernation mode a tad early this year. For my five days off I stayed close to home and now, with a few friend's show to see this weekend, I again want to stay close to home. There is a level of anticipation though with my early hibernation mode. The anticipation for that all consuming focus that's just around the corner. I feel an inner shift that I can't quite describe but I'm getting quiet. Maybe it's the voices, you know the ones, that tell you what you could do next. Or remind you of what you want. Or get you to sit still and meditate and connect with the magic in the air. Those voices.

Plus I notice that I've been feeling under the weather far more frequently than normal. Of course it's my body's way of telling me to slow down. Get in touch. Be silent. Listen. If I'm quiet enough, the answers will tumble out of me or toward me or something.

I've got books piled up around the apartment. Books I want to read. Books I want to study. Books that remind me of that passion that blocks out the junk of life, like the power struggles. That passion that steps me outside of the woulda, coulda, shoulda's and into the now and what there is that is good. There is a lot that is good.

I'm feeling nervous about the fall television line up because I don't actually want to tape anything this season. Or not much, anyhow. I'm nervous because, even though I dropped a lot of shows last year compared to the year before, I'm feeling not antagonistic but it's like the television is coming to an end for me. Or more aptly, it needs to.

That's it! The early hibernation mode and the inner voices that are getting louder, and the funny feelings toward the television are all about the question, what am I willing to give up in order to realize my dreams? And it brings me to the simplest realization that it's about change, it's time to make some changes in my life, again. And not a moment too soon either, tomorrow is the new moon, a prime opportunity to start anew.

It's time to make changes and it's time to listen. Sweep away the distractions that seem like a good idea at the time. Listen to my body and slow down. Ask myself , again and again, "what do I want? How do I feel? Where do I want to go?"

My friend Jojo and I discussed her current situation, last week. For the first time, for as long as I've known her, she talked about moving back to her home town. I didn't say that I would miss her tremendously. I didn't say, don't worry everything will work out and you won't have to go home. I didn't say anything that might sway her to consider staying in Toronto. I told her, "you have to do what is the best for you. What is going to soothe your heart? What is going to make you feel better about your life?"

Now, most of my friends would say, 'that's you Shelley, that's the kind of advice you give all of us.' As if it's an easy thing for me to do. On the contrary, inside I'm thinking, 'how am I going to survive not having access to this person in my day to day life?' What the fuck am I going to do?

But over the last few days, with the guilt tripping I often do when I don't have the energy to be the all giving supporter, it's slowly dawning on me. I also have to do what is best for me. What is going to soothe my life? What is going to make me feel better? So I miss a few friend's shows this go round. If I'm the friend that gives that kind of advice to everyone, I need to give it to myself as well.

I'm not the person that I used to be, who dropped everything for everyone. Or who shows up for every single performance and every single reading and party and function. But that is still a big aspect of who I am to people. I like to support people, for sure, but I need to feel free to give myself permission to support myself first.
And the people that I give my support to wholeheartedly will have to understand that in return. And I really have to learn how to stop guilt tripping myself about it, when I don't have it to give. That's the big one.

EY

A Religious Experience

Thursday 8:39pm

I was on my lunch sitting outside the tower, eating my yellow peppers and mini carrots and drinking my beet juice. I've been reading Marianne Williamson's book a Return to Love. I'm sitting there quite enjoying the greyness of the day with the nice cool breeze. I was also enjoying the book.

I'd read a little and think about what I'd just read... "if you go deeply enough into your mind, and deeply enough into mine, we have the same mind. The concept of a divine, or "Christ" mind, is the idea that, at our core, we are not just identical, but actually the same being. 'There is only one begotten Son' doesn't mean that someone else was it, and we're not. It means we're all it. There's only one of us here."

I sat and thought about that. Imagine that person that just walked by is me. Imagine that my co worker who works my last nerve is me. It's not like it's something new, I've heard this before but how, if I chose to, could I inhabit that with acceptance?

I read some more: "I accept the Christ within" means, "I accept the beauty within me as who I really am. I am not my weakness. I am not my anger. I am not my small mindedness. I am much, much more. And I am willing to be reminded of who I really am."

And

"our entire network of fearful perceptions, all stemming from that first false belief in our separation from God and one another, is called the ego."

And finally

"remember, there's only one of us here: What we give to others, we give to ourselves. What we withhold from others, we withhold from ourselves. In any moment when we choose fear instead of love, we deny ourselves the experience of Paradise. To the extent that we abandon love, to that extent we will feel it has abandoned us."

I sat and thought about that. How might I put these ideas into practice? How might I make use of them in one of my novels?

I got to the section on the Holy Spirit and read this wee quote, "The Holy Spirit is the call to awaken and be glad."

I looked across the street, then looked between the buildings across the north side of the street at the air and saw water droplets falling. I couldn't really process it. I looked up at one of the buildings insisting that it must be window washers but couldn't see a swingstage. Hmm? I look east and see people running and I can't figure out why they are running. The people all around me are calm and smoking or talking or eating their street meat or whatever. Finally I see that the sidewalk across the street is getting wet. Then On my side of the street but east of me people are running. I look at my clothing to reassure myself that yes I'm really dry, nothing is coming down. Then I lift my head up to the sky directly above me and I think, "Am I having a religious experience? It's raining everywhere except for on me."
No sooner did I think that one of three women says out loud, "Oh My God! It's raining everywhere except over here!"
I burst out laughing, turn and say to her and her friends, "Oh You see that too? I thought I was having a religious experience!"
ha ha.
Then we all screamed, "It's coming!" and ran under the buildings awning.
I stood with them and told them what I was reading about how it's about Christ and God and Love and then this freaky rain thing happens and I'm thinking I'm getting some message from God. I had them in hysterics.

If the rain had stayed off me just long enough, I might be a devout monk now.

EY

My Confession - Patience

Saturday 24Mar07 11:04am

I caught the movie, Green Fingers, this morning. In it the old guy Fergus gets Clive Owen's character to plant violet seeds in an area where no one could believe that they could ever grow. Come spring the violets have grown and Fergus makes a comment about finding beauty in the most unlikely places. He suggests that Clive Owen's character (Luke?) find a way to learn how to embrace the adversity in his life even though they are prisoners.

Something made me think about the qualities we want to develop in ourselves. My latest quality of the last year or so has become patience. Not the losing your temper kind of patience but the long term patience of seeing things through. Of course when ever you decide on a certain quality you come face to face with it in a major way.

I am known for being uncommitted when it comes to relationships with men. Part of it is because I've been disappointed so often and for so long that I'd basically given up. If the truth be known. Why wish for something if it feels like it's not destined to ever happen in your life? It seems ridiculous to me. So I stopped wishing and worse yet, believing.

I met a man in December 2005. We were introduced in passing by a mutual friend. There was something about him the moment I saw him that I liked. I can recall thinking, "He's cute in a different way. I'd go out with him. He probably wouldn't look twice at me."

In February of 2006 our paths crossed again and over the last year we've become more friendly and have learned bits and pieces about each other. My original appraisal of him has turned into a full fledged crush. Of course nothing can be that simple in my life. With things not happening fast enough in my opinion I looked for other distractions i.e. other men to be interested in. I stayed away from him. I ignored him. I closed my thinking to him.

The male distractions never bore fruit in any substantial way. I was never that interested, my heart wasn't in it. I could care less if it worked out one way or the other. I finally read the signs and dropped all the distractions.

Over the last five months or longer I've resurfaced admitting to myself finally that I can't really get this person out of my head. I want to know more about him. I want to know if he's a worthwhile human being. I want to know what kind of man he is. And I've witnessed some pretty consistent remarkable things. Nothing has developed still and yet so much has developed.
I always have all these questions I want to ask him and all thoughts escape my mind whenever I come face to face. He does and says things that are quite sweet and leaves me wondering when action will follow or if any action will action follow.

He has become my patience meter. There are certain people that come into your life and you just know what purpose your connection to eachother is met. His purpose in my life is to teach me that long term patience (maybe even the patience of Job!) I've gone from running far away from him to that high school confusion of, "Does he like me?" Finally I've reached an inner calm (still with a sense of urgency) that acknowledges that whatever happens will happen. We could become great friends, something deeper, or we'll disappear out of each other's lives. Who really knows about anyone you meet, what your relationship could become?

Maybe it's not how long a relationship lasts or what it develops into but who I become because of it.

EY

Living My Best Life

Friday 9:19pm 9Mar07

I'm feeling real good tonight. I'm finding myself being more friendly with complete strangers. I'm finding the joke in most situations. I feel like I'm in love, but I'm not. I like the thought of being in love with someone but I think I'm falling in love with myself actually. I'm falling in love with myself because I'm finding ways to share myself with others the way that I want to. I feel more optimistic about everything. I'm falling in love with myself because I'm getting in touch with, 'this is who I am, take me or leave me'. I'm feeling more comfortable about being a flawed person and it feels good.

I'm finding that as I delve into my own insecurities I keep coming back up from them and seeing my life to be more fun even the waiting and figuring out if the guy that I've liked and have been getting to know for a year likes me back. Yeah, I'm feeling like a teenager, in that respect!

I started taping Oprah. I figured since I was taping Inside the Actor's Studio everyday I might as well tape Oprah. Tonight I caught her episode on women and aging. I was cracking up at some of the things the women said and feeling thrilled about some of the others. Like Diane Sawyer saying that at 60 years old she's finally realized that she needs to have time for herself. Diahann Carroll realizing that she'd never been without a man in her whole adult life and has actually learned how to love being alone and not having to report to someone. Also taking the reins and calling a man to fulfill her needs and not being invested in the outcome. And finally, depending on her friends more. All of those things I've figured out by being alone, by being the person that never jumped into new relationships the moment a relationship ended, taking the time to grieve the end of a relationship before I got involved with someone else.

My so-called embarrassing (or pity causing) singlehood has taught me how to be on my own and take care of myself and like myself and these women are saying that's something they've learned or embraced in their 60's! Heck, I got all that stuff out of the way and I'm only 43!

I'm finding my balance with people as a whole, in friendships and with men. After Oprah mentioned living your best life I thought, that's it, I'm learning how to live my best life. My rituals are defining who I am or I'm defining who I am through my rituals. I've always known that I wasn't going to be able to do everything the way my mother did. I was never going to the same king of selfless person that she was. I have a level of selflessness but I also need to be self focused. That is an extension of writing. I have to be able to focus on myself in order to take the time to write. There has to be a certain amount of self focus or setting that priority of putting myself first in order to set the priority of writing. I am in my writing. I write to absorb life and understand life. I write to analyze how I feel. I write because my imagination is out of control. I write because I'm interested and I love life's mysteries and I love to write.

I loved when Christina Yang said to Doctor Burke on Grey's Anatomy that she was a surgeon. That he was important to her and being a surgeon was important to her. She was telling him that she wasn't going to give up her career nor give him up. She wasn't going to be the woman that stays home while her husband is out in the trenches. She was going to be out in the trenches with him. She said, "we can hire a wife!" I loved what she said because women are discovering that they want the man but they don't want to be the house maid. We can hire people to clean the house and cook the meals and do all the other chores that most of us end up taking care of because, let's be honest, most men still don't share in taking care of the chores. I loved what Christina Yang said because I've always known that I didn't want to be the wife, not in the conventional sense anyway. I don't love doing housework. I'm not interested in running a ship shape household. I just don't care about it. I'm impressed with people who do, but I don't. Somehow she validated it for me in my feminine consciousness. This is who I am, take it or leave it. That was a big insecurity for me, how can I be a whole woman and not want to do all the things that are supposedly within a woman's domain?

I'm a whole woman exactly the way I am. My mother always got a kick out me. She was in awe of my opinions and my independence but boy she'd be proudly jealous of the woman I've become.

I'm still amazed at how good I feel just from the memory of my birthday a full week later. Read about it here and here.

EY

Frustration Turns into Creativity

Tuesday 5:43pm 27Feb07

Yesterday I started the day off with a giggle thinking how relaxing my morning at work was going to be. Well, at least it started that way. Then it turned into a beat down session with me being the one beat down. I answered the phone with exasperation more times than not.

When I got home last night I was sure that I was going to dive into bed head first. I certainly couldn't blog. No one wants to read about that shit. I didn't even have the energy to go to the liquor store for a bottle of wine. The thought of standing in line sweating in my layers was akin to some kind of Japanese water torture.

I didn't think I was going to write at all. I started my journal, 'Today the wrath of Mercury retrograde reared its angry head in my direction.' Heck, I was the bullseye! The day was all about communication, miscommunication, hostile communication, Mercury's domain.

Somehow I figured out that sleeping and/or drinking wasn't the answer. So I wrote. I wrote my 1 hour mind cleanse for 30 minutes. I wrote my freeflow for my novel and I worked out. In the midst of working out I realized that frustration and anger motivate me.

I wrote in my journal, 'What a great thing sometimes frustration can be because it stops me and gets me to ask the question, what do I most need to focus on for my sanity and my future? I need to be able to ask that question when I'm not frustrated or angry. I want to feel good. I don't want to be ruled by a life of roller coaster emotions in order to create because that's the kind of person I am, the one who loves to create.'

Through the midst of all that I also decided that since I've got all my novel notes and drafts and scratchings in one place, I'm going to read everything I have and plug the pieces into appropriate chapters of my novel.

In my journal I wrote, 'It makes sense to go through all my pieces of writing to throw them all into White Wishes chapters. Read through it, mark up the page and type it into my novel that I'm working on now. Add the daily freeflow stuff that I'm doing for each chapter as well. Just keep adding and reading and reorganizing until I get there. And when I have read through every last bit of paper and have a whole novel then sculpt it like clay into what I want it to be.

I, today, February 26th 2007, feel like I can complete White Wishes and it's the best feeling ever. I can really do this. How wonderful is that? It's been a long time coming and there is still more work to do but I finally genuinely feel like I've got the right focus. I really need to have that feeling of creating out of thin air (freeflow/ stream of consciousness writing) because I love that feeling but, as well, I can plop the finished pieces together and read them and sculpt the scenes. It's really really good, this love of what I do.'

Some how I transformed the frustration and channeled it. I've been working toward harnessing my energy instead of turning it into depression for years, yesterday I nailed it.

EY

Derek's Story

Thursday 7:58pm 22Feb07

He was a broker. He'd made his first million dollars by the time he was 28 years old. He said that he would have nightmares about money. He'd disappear for days at a time, running off to Vegas getting so doped up and thinking he was in Ajax. He'd call his wife saying he wasn't sure where he was. She complained to him, you're working too much, you're too focused on money, you need to spend more time with me and your sons.

He shrugged off her complaints. She wasn't complaining about flying off to go shopping with her best girlfriend on his money and not having to work for a living, he thought.

She left him.

He continued on his path.

She got in a serious car accident and broke her neck. The doctor's called him and told him to bring their sons in to say goodbye to their mother.

He brought them in then spent what was to be her final days with her in the hospital. He took a leave of absence from work and spent all his days at the hospital or taking care of his sons. She kept hanging on.

Eventually her situation started to improve. There was constant care but she was improving. The doctors put steel rods in her neck. He helped her when it was time to go home. He's continued to spend time with her and care for their sons.

One night they had a long talk. She said that despite loving her sons, she'd always wanted a little girl. They agreed and set out to get her pregnant. Doing what you do.

She's pregnant and it's a little girl. Derek moves back in with her in 6 weeks. He quit his job and got another low maintenance job.

He said, "now I'm having nightmares about having a baby. A little girl! Will she be healthy? Will the delivery be too hard on my wife? I'm a complete mess."

A complete mess? He's changed his life drastically. He listened to the message that the universe offered him. He's been given a second chance and he's taking it.

What a great story and I'm so grateful that he told it to me.

EY