Being Human

28Dec14
Spent a very lazy day yesterday. I'm learning how to be lazy without guilt tripping myself.
I've been watching the Blue Bloods marathon. Why? I have no clue but watching it (anything) is teaching me that I have way too much mental chatter simply because it's starting to calm it.

One of the episodes made me wish I was able to articulate my truth when I was a teenager. Erin's 16 year old daughter, Nicky, wants to go to a college party and of course her mother has said no. Nicky goes to her grandfather (The Police Commissioner) for his help. She tells him something like, "I've done everything that's ever been asked of me to the extent where all my friend's parents say, 'why can't you be more like Nicky.' I've never done anything to make you embarrassed. At what point do you start to trust me?"

At what point do you start to trust me? Brought a little tear to my eye. There were so many restrictions in my child hood home especially on me and I was the good kid.

I've been watching child hood stuff come up at work. I said recently to a co-worker, "It's like we never escape being children. We still have to give that fake smile and fake, Thank You, because being honest makes us seem like we're difficult people or we're ingrates."

The Christmas parties were a big thing this year. The invitations are emailed out for the Company party, the Team party and the party that we extend to our service providers. Our guys are the worst for responding to (or not responding to) invitations. How many times I've said, "Guys just click accept or decline and call it a day." They simply rebel against it. Then it turns into a thing where I have to become the babysitter because I'm "asked" to find out who is going and who isn't. I have to ask Grown men.

I compile a list and send it to all interested parties and then we're still continually asked, "Are you going, Are you going?"

Anyway one of the guys, 'Andrew', has never been the guy to participate. In the 14 years I've been there he's never been to the Company Christmas party. He's attended a handful of the team parties and he usually avoids the SP party (he's been to two). He's not the guy to attend these things can we just let him be?

He is asked every year if he's attending and if the answer is no, he is guilt tripped. These things are planned for you guys, you're not social enough, you're ungrateful blah, blah, blah.

For whatever reason this year every body comes to complain to me about him. Complain!
I've tried to explain him away. I've said you know you have to understand he's had a rough year. His dad has been sick. Or, He's not always in the mood to be social. I've explained that he's been trying really hard and participating when he's not really the guy to participate. And finally I just came right out and said, "Why can't he just say no? Why does he need to explain himself? He's a grown man. And quite frankly there's always so much pressure."

After the year I've had I'm turning to the place of living a life less bullshit. I'm getting tired of sugar coating what I think and how I feel.

They really put so much pressure on something that is supposed to be FUN! At our team party someone said, "We should have set up the seating so that everyone was alternated between the Operations and the Management office."

I'm like, Why? Why can't I sit with whoever I want to sit? Now you're telling me who I can sit with? "That idea right there is why Andrew isn't here."

Like children we have to continue to smile. Smile through bullshit pressure to be social on our own time and possibly have to sit beside someone who fucks with us all year round.
Like children we have to show we know how to take a joke when the boss blatantly insults us in front of everyone, but it's only a joke.

I was telling Andrew the next day, "the fucking picture taking did me in. Did me in!"
We're in a dinner atmosphere and our pictures are being taken by one of the staff. She criticizes me because I don't like having my picture taken. I say, Okay you've taken 4 pics of me, you can leave me alone now. But it's too bad for me that I'm assertive enough to say I don't want to have my picture taken. I must be mocked. She yells my name across the restaurant and continues on taking pictures. There are a good 25 people there. Once the food comes, please don't take pictures of me eating. I had to sit there for 2 minutes before I could bite into my food while she took pictures.

Life is so bizarre. We can spend so much time faking it.

EY