03 January 2015

What are my Questions?

3Jan15 Saturday

There's a bit of a blizzard outside. Our first for 2015. a perfect Saturday afternoon is being able to look out the window at the blizzard and not be in it. haha!

I'm still quietly moving along with my experiential learning of Human Design. Knowing the centers are next on my list to incorporate on the experiment I've been living. It's so funny too because I finally came up with an answer yesterday that brought the pendulum swinging from the extremes down into the middle territory.

You know how New Years go, I've been thinking about my focus in my Personal 3 year. Now that I've resolved some of the stuff of 2014 how do I move forward? With the Straight for the Knife guy, (S for KG Blog entry), we seem to have found a comfortable space with each other. He's opened up a whole lot and I notice something about myself.

I am filled with so many questions. I always have been. It's the questions that pull me out of my retreat to help others. It's the questions that I feel so strongly that I need to find the answers to. The questions can distract me and I can run off for years taking care of the wrong people, not being focused on myself.

You're having troubles with your in-laws? What solutions can I help you find to make your relationships with them work? Or how can we find the words for you to approach this subject with your husband/wife without alienating him or making him feel he has to choose between you and his parents? I am not well! ha-ha!

With the Knife guy, after a year of interesting interactions, we have more and more honest conversations everyday. In my maze of questions I've had many questions for him. Not about me, mind you, but questions on how to solve some of his situations. It's so weird because I'm at a rubbery detached place with him. I'm willing to be friendly. I understand that given our situation, how we are often thrown together, I have to find my comfortable place. I can no longer have designs on this person. And that's where the rubbery detached comes in because I am detached but I know how easy it is for me to be drawn back in.

We've had a couple weeks break from each other and I notice that his questions keep jumping around in my thoughts. His questions. How am I going to remain detached when I keep asking myself these questions? I'm involved in this. I have a stake in figuring things out.

Last night I journaled about energy. I've always noticed energy but in 2014 I made it more of a study. Sometimes I can feel anxious when I'm around a certain group of people and then I realize I'm not actually anxious I'm simply feeling the energy of the group. There's the energy of the wall, the closed down energy of workers towards their boss. There's the energy of fear that filters through the group. It was with the fear, one day, when I mentioned a few things/actions of others that went with it, the person looked at me like I was crazy and I realized, you can't feel that? Not every one can feel energy in the way that I do.

I spent serious time asking myself in 2014, 'Is this my energy?'

I spent time noticing energies that were inviting. Energies that spoke. There was a moment when I slipped with my boss after he'd asked me how I was and I started to complain about a work frustration and I felt his energy say,"Fuck! Why did I ask her that?" ha-ha! I stopped in mid-sentence and ended with, "I'll figure it out," so he could make a hasty retreat from my office. Which he did.

It's funny. It brings me back to being a quiet child. The time my mother said to her party guests, "If Shelley doesn't talk to you then I know there's something wrong. That child has a sense about her."

So as I come back to an old realization that I feel these energies and not everyone can feel them in the way that I do, yesterday I finally asked, What is my question?

If I'm going to find a way to remain detached from this person who has to be in my life I have to realize that all these questions are not my questions. They're his questions.

To remain detached from him and from everyone who distracts me, I have to ask myself, what are my questions?
If these are your questions, do I have to answer them? NO! If this is the energy of the room or the group, do I need to take it on? No. I just simply observe, wait for an invitation or not, accept it or not.

As we move into the new year energies and we get back to near daily contact I can go in and ask myself, is that my question? What is my question?

And that crazy rigmarole is me approaching learning about the Head (Crown) center and Ajna (Mind) center.
Being focused on other peoples inspiration, answering other peoples questions.
Both of my centers are undefined. Defined is when they are coloured in and undefined is when they are open or white. Obviously there's different meanings if they're defined or undefined.

So that's what I'm dealing with for the next while. Reading about centers and testing the information experientially as part of my experiment.


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