Projector Island

Saturday 19Nov16

I've been working through so much stuff that I stopped pressuring myself to get everything/anything done.
That everything included blogging.

So much has happened since my trip to Australia in February & March of 2014 plus happening upon Human Design once I got back. There hasn't been much to write about except for really personal stuff. My blogs are somewhat personal of course but there is some personal that I'm not willing to share in this format.

I've mostly been coming to this place where I've allowed everything to slow down. Stop chasing, sit back and wait. I've been fighting it too mind you. Returning from my trip to Australia was definitely the dividing point where my social life got even slower than it has ever been. Finding ways to accept this fact without bitterness. Finding ways to understand that there are lulls. Finding ways to accept that there are lulls. Acceptance ahh! Acceptance.

I'm not going to lie. I was pissed at friends who I'd bought presents for who I never did see. I've since given those presents to other people. I was pissed at making contact attempts that I knew were read but people/friends just never seemed to respond to. I swear I felt like I was being punished for finally having something good and as big as Australia happen in my life.

Does anyone else try to force things, push things forward, rail against what is, to change it into something better than what is? I'm learning how to calm that noise. I'm learning how to be present to what is right in front of me. The Police horse with the blinders that blocks the peripheral vision of all the traffic to the left and right that keeps her from getting spooked.

I have moved to Projector island. On Projector island I go about my day to day. I allow the Universe to guide me and tell me who is meant to be in my life by the invitations I receive, finding my clarity on whether or not I want to accept those invitations and the energy that is there or isn't there for the invitations. It's been pretty quiet on Projector Island but quiet has its place. I often forget that.

In the quiet, I've had time to focus on what type of invitations I would like to be prepared for. I'm learning how to save money. Substantial money. Saving for trips I'd like to take. Saving to move. Saving for those magical rare invitations that do come, that will come. I'm starting to believe that being a projector can be wonderful if you open up your belief system and allow the magic. You have to have faith in some magic.

There's that old question, "If you were stranded on an island what would you want to have with you?"

One of those things for me is magic.

As I slowly study Human Design and the slowness of any action in being a projector the image is of a person, me, going on my merry way with my aura radiating and touching others. It's in the way my aura touches others that bring on the invitations or not. When I explained it to a fellow projector friend of mine I said to her, "it's like sitting in a public place reading a book that you are totally engrossed in."

Someone will see you and comment, "You look like you're really enjoying that book!" An invitation.
There are different ways that you react.
With one person you will say, "Yes it's fantastic!" And you'll give them an enthusiastic synopsis.
With another person you will smile and nod your head and go right back to reading.

Life on Projector Island is like reading a book. That is all I need to do. And my aura does all the attracting for me.

I was simply doing my job when I responded to Kyle's email. He needed me to book the loading dock for him and I did. Once everything was said and done, a day or so later, I got an email that said that Kyle wanted to connect on linked in. I accepted his request and didn't think much more of it.

Earlier this month I received a message from Kyle inviting me to a Black Bloggers United meet up. The best part about the invitation is that the meet up was a few blocks away from where I live. I gave myself some time to find the clarity and then accepted the invitation.

The magic part is that for the last couple of months I've kept planning to go out on a Saturday and find a public place to sit and work on my blogs. I know it's the energy of other peoples auras that fuel me. I still hadn't managed to actually get out of the house up to this point. I've been working both jobs on Fridays. So much has changed at my day job. On Fridays I work a full 8 hours at my day job and a full 8 hours at the part time job so by the time I get home on Saturday mornings I've been up close to 24 hours. Needless to say I've been sleeping the bulk of the day on Saturdays and ordering take out because I can't get my act together to get groceries.

This morning I was up at 10am, bathed and ready to meet up with the group. And I was excited. In Human Design the right invitation gives a Projector the energy. I got to the meet up on time and got to meet Kyle and his beautiful wife Nicole and the other people that showed up. Nicole runs the Toronto chapter of Black Bloggers United. I had to laugh too because isn't it always the way that when you're in a group of new people the people look familiar? The best part was that I'd just read a blog entry last week from Black Foodie.

I had a lovely time with these new beautiful, knowledgeable people who are looking to be supported and provide support. Ideas were shared on how to make our blogs better. The bulk of the bloggers use their blogs for business, something I may do eventually. I am still in the personal blog stage while I discover what 'guiding' projector role I have to play. It still was a validation of me blogging.

I'd only mentioned this blog. I wasn't sure if I was going to even discuss Human Design at all. But then through the course of the conversations and a comment about getting people to show up to events I mentioned an aspect of advertising that takes into consideration the different Human Design types. I then said that I have another blog that is only about Human Design. I never tell anyone about that blog (it is followed by people who are into Human design). And there was real interest in it which was pleasing.

Another comment about energy gained from invitations... Over the last couple weeks I've been filling my little writer's note book with ideas for blog entries. Something I haven't done in so long. I've been playing with possible directions that I might take. Being calm and present.

EY

Check out the people I met today:
Nicole Nurse

Dwainia Gray

Michelle Joseph

Eden Hagos

Adam H.C. Myrie

The Pressure to Clone

I walk to work. I've got my Ipod ears on. I find that right rhythm in my step and I observe. How different we are.

Yesterday morning it was still a little warm out after a long weekend of near Summer temperatures. I know it's going to be cold though, later at night, when I'm heading home from my part time gig. It's going to go from a 17 degrees celsius to a 4 degrees and wind. I'm wearing my quilted Canada jacket that I wear through most of the winter unless it's those real polar bear frigid temperatures.

I round the corner through the University grounds and come across a University student, she's wearing a tank and shorts jumpsuit and flip flops. I smile. I love our differences when the weather is in transition. I can stand at the corner waiting for the street light to change from red to green and there's a person in a jump suit, a person in a full on winter coat and toque. I'm always amused by the winter coat and the flip flops combination. Is that like sleeping with one leg sticking out of the covers to balance out your body temperature?

This morning Frankie Flowers (on Breakfast Television) announced there was a windchill. I'm getting ready for work, assessing how I'm going to dress, "A windchill? What the? I'm putting on a turtle neck and I don't care if anyone mocks me."

People watching, this morning, left me zipping my Canada jacket right up and turning up the neck for a little more protection. I did a little shiver shake looking at pretty sundresses and bare feet in flip flops and shorts and t-shirts. "dese peeples cray-zay!"

I remember the year I worked with a manager Jessica who as I walked into the office first thing in the morning, without saying good morning first said, "You're dressed ridiculously, it's not THAT cold out!"
I snapped back, "Yes you're right. I'm dressed this way because I'm seeking attention. I should dress the way you say I should dress because you're not cold."
Then I gave her that cold stare that I have in the morning, that 'don't piss me off first thing in the morning because I have no filters' stare.

We are so different. And yet we tend to question each other with the underlying tone of, "why aren't we the same?" Why aren't I like you, why aren't you like me?

I've been really practicing relaxing into my life this year. Part of my theme this year is to be present. Being present brings me to interesting places.
In my mind, I start with the t-shirt, shorts and flip flops. I go through those few questions, "Doesn't he know there's a windchill? Does he really think that's appropriate clothing for this weather? What's he going to wear when it's actually hot out?"

Then all of a sudden, my mind goes swimming. All of these thoughts brush up against me.

It's cold for me. Me. So I dress appropriately for how it feels to me. What if every single person I see is dressed appropriately for how the weather feels for them?
"It's not THAT cold out!" for them

This little monologue goes off in my mind. We can't really expect everyone to wear the same kind of layers, to walk around all bundled up, to wear the same type of clothes as we are. Like clones.

I digress to the question, has anyone watched the series Orphan Black? Not only am I in love with Tatiana Maslany because she is a superstar in that show, she plays a bunch of clones. And the clones are very different.

For us though, clones would be identical in every way. Weren't the clones in Michael Keaton's movie multiplicity all the same?
My mind bounces over to the pressure to be clones.

If you're single you're constantly asked if you've met someone because we're all meant to be with someone, right?
If you're with someone you're constantly asked when you're getting married because we're all meant to marry that particular person we're with. None of us has ever dated anyone before the person we're with.
If you're married you're constantly asked when you're going to have kids because no couple has ever made it past child-bearing years without having children.
If you live in an apartment why don't you buy a condo? If you live in a condo, when are you going to buy a house?
You know that saying there's no stupid questions? All of those are stupid questions.

One of the topics in my Human Design study brings up frequently how we are raised to live as the other (not ourselves, HD calls it Notself).
We're raised to be Manifestors... go out and get it.
If we are not Manifestors and we don't succeed at trying to live a Manifestors life we question ourselves, what's wrong with me?
Others question us, What's wrong with you that you can't have this or that? Why can't you apply yourself? Why are you always quitting? Why can't you make up your mind?
Do you have that friend where nothing seems to work out in their life? Am I that friend? hahaha!

I've been learning how to relax into my life, every aspect of my life, exactly the way it is. Look at that thing that kind of pisses me off and be relaxed and okay with it. The rush and anxiety to change what I don't like about my life has gotten me into some of the needless skirmishes simply because I couldn't accept my life as it is. I kept asking myself, what's wrong with me? Okay I'm going to go out and get it and this time it's going to work out. and it didn't.

One of my hardest issues to deal with is being single.
I love being single. I've always been okay with being single. I'm not the person to jump in and out of relationships. I believe that it takes a certain type of man for me to be involved with, to commit to and deep down I've always known that about myself. But the world and other peoples stuff surrounding being single kind of beats me down. It's been hard being okay in a world and with people who tell me that I'm not.

I have this stress when I'm going to meet up with friends. I have it when I run into people I haven't seen in a long time. I have it when I meet a new man and he asks how long I've been single. The stress surrounds me like a firing squad and I have to come up with reasons before they shoot me through with holes. It's about the meaning that being single has been given. Can I say that again? It's about the meaning that being single has been given.

Are you seeing anyone?
Have you met anyone?
Why haven't you met anyone?
It has all felt like, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A MAN?
I don't understand why she's single. It's not that hard to meet someone.

What was the conversation between Joe Fox and his dad in You've Got Mail?

NELSON: I just have to meet someone new, that’s all. That's the easy part.
JOE FOX "A snap to find the one single person in the world who fills your heart with joy."
NELSON: "Well, don't be ridiculous son. Have I ever been with anybody who fit that description? Have you?"

I've only ever convinced one person to stop asking me if I'd met anyone yet and that was my mom, when she was still alive.
I would get so frustrated with her when she'd asked me the question. "Mom, I've watched you with men, they weren't exactly gems."
She'd find a way to by pass that obvious observation and we'd go back and forth, me feeling frustrated, pissed off and finally like she saw me as being defective.

I finally hit the right note when I asked my mother, "What if I never meet the right man for me? What if I'm single for the rest of my life, are you going to continue to ask me that question for the rest of my life?"
She said, "OH! That would be a horrible thing to do."
"Exactly."
My mother never, ever, to her dying day, never asked me that question again. Of course, when ever I met someone and dated someone, I always told her. I always tell everyone. We all do that. So why does the question need to be asked anyway?

Plus being in a relationship, that was her stuff. It's never been mine. My stuff is, if he can't make me as happy as I am when I'm alone he gotsta go!

I remember, several years ago, being at my friend Steven's house and his friend Paul who had been consistently single started seeing someone who everyone felt was a serious relationship. Steven said, "I thought Paul would never find someone."
Taken aback I said, "Is that what you say about me that I'll never find someone like it's a problem?"
Steven didn't answer but I've since learned that that was his stuff. Steven's been single for close to 10 years now and he thinks he's a loser. It's not logical thinking!

I want to be able to face down, "Are you seeing anyone?" and be able to feel fully relaxed to say "No I'm not," and not take on all the 'What's wrong with you' projections. Be able to accept that I don't need to stop people from asking the question, they're not going to stop anyways. Get to a point where no matter what you think of me I don't feel the need to try to change it.

I'm really getting there. Plus it's not my stuff. If you think there's something wrong with me because I'm single that's because you believe that there's something wrong with you if you're not in a relationship.

I want to mention in brush strokes the stupidity of our culture and our questions (and the media feeds into it or perpetuates it).
The questions surrounding Jennifer Aniston since she and Brad Pitt divorced :
Is she ever going to find another man?
Is she ever going to get married again?
Is she ever going to have children?
Oh she has a man, oops she couldn't keep him.
The comparison of Jen's life versus Joli/Pitt's life - She couldn't possibly be happy not as happy as Brad anyways.


and questions about Oprah Winfrey:
Are Oprah and Steadman ever going to get married?
Is Oprah really okay with never having children?
She still hasn't married Steadman, How long has she been engaged? 20 years?
She and Gayle must be lesbians, right?

Do you see how we're making them wrong for having the lives that they have and living them? Projecting all this meaning on the lives they are living. Creating these questions that are not their questions.

Maybe Jennifer thinks that having that brood of kids would be a nightmare. Hey, I'd rather take care of that many elephants before having that many kids. I'd rather be a god mother rather than give birth to my own.

Every body has a different life. It plays out the way it plays out. We wear the appropriate clothes for the weather that we feel, not the weather someone else feels.


People live lives never becoming professional basketball players. It just doesn't happen for everyone. It is ridiculous to question people about things that haven't happened for them. That they may not be meant to have.

What if this singleness is my journey? I know it is and I understand why. It is part of the way that I am able to guide.

People die childless. People die unmarried. People die young. Babies die minutes after they are born.
We are all going to die. We have individually unique paths that we will take that lead us to the ultimate.
My Human Design study is becoming the biggest tool that I use in all the healing and soul searching I've done over these years.

EY

Melancholy Then and Now

Picture from The Color Purple Movie. at site www.screeninsults.com

I am a moody person. My step dad would be so thrilled to have me say this as he accused me of being moody when I was a teenager. I didn’t think I was moody then. I mean I WAS moody but it was because of the daily treatment. I hated my step-father by the time I hit my teen years. He had treated me unfairly when I was paired up with his daughters – different rules for different people. If anyone was to be punished without letting up or ridiculed in an humiliating way, I was the prime candidate. A person can only take that shit for so long. I used to love to tell the stories about what life was like when I declared war on my step-dad. I trampled everything in my path AND I LOVED IT! I was The lion mauling the lion tamer. The elephant trampling the abusive handler. The hysterical grizzly bear protecting her cub. Or Celie in the Colored Purple pulling the butcher knife out of the Turkey or ham and pointing it at Mister’s throat.

My subsequent anger (or bitterness) about the whole step-dad situation falls into the Projector description of bitterness in human Design. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to experiment with its truth. It all rings very true to me.

So much is going on for me emotionally lately and I’m trying to work myself into it and stay present.
It’s the thoughts primarily, the monkey mind that gets out of control. The wrong focus for my well-being.

Through my Human Design chart I am told that I have the channel of Moodiness 39-55
channel-of-moodiness-39-55

the defined channel of Emotional Moodiness (39 - 55) ... is subject to mood swings that at times can find her either depressed or elated. What she can learn about herself is that when she swings into a deep mood, she is reaching into her place of deepest creativity, where she accesses a part of herself that is profoundly connected to her Spirit. Chetan Parkyn

From the article about Drew Barrymore

Because being an emotional person who has to wait and go through waves of ups and waves of downs before I can make a decision isn’t enough I’ve got this whole moody thing going on. My biggest challenge with it lately has been about convincing myself that it isn’t depression. “This is not depression, this is what it is, a fluctuating mood that is a part of the way I operate. “
Because the Universe is loving I’ve received some answers to help me along the way.

Jennifer Hoffman posted this on Facebook on April 6th

Jupiter goes direct this week, on Thursday, after being retrograde since December 7, 2014. It is also at the degree it was in May 2003. That's significant for me because it's the month when I moved from Virginia to Phoenix, to begin this new journey that would involve being totally broke, nearly homeless, and denied a job I thought I had, which spiralled me downward into a really scary financial situation. It's when I asked God to take me home every night because I thought that my life was in such disarray that it was the only solution.
On the bright side, it also started my journey into acknowledging my spiritual gifts, and using them with a larger audience as I also met Archangel Uriel six months later, and started the website and newsletter. All good things but Jupiter can expand our challenges as well as our blessings.
Are you seeing repeats from 2003 now?

I wrote in response:
Shelley-Lynne Domingue, Writer - In 2003, I gave up my full-time job that I hated and TRUSTED that the Universe would provide. I worked very little that year and money kept appearing when I needed it. I took a writing course (week long intensive) that I'd always wanted to take but could never afford. I think it was in May that I signed up for it as the course was in June. There was more focus on our writing because of the SARS scare in Toronto, out of towners didn't want to take the chance so the course attendance was lower than it normally is. Wow it's good thinking back.

On April 7, 2015 Jennifer wrote:

Jennifer Hoffman
April 7 at 1:14pm · Edited · 
2003 has been on my mind because it was such a difficult year for me, where I had to face a lot of my fears, some of which I didn't even know I had. In that year, I became homeless, penniless, I could not find a job, I had to do work I never thought I would ever do (reading tarot cards and doing intuitive readings), and I faced a health crisis after being bitten by a brown recluse spider. All of that happened in about 6 months but the effects lasted for over a decade.
That cycle is coming around again now as I am being reminded of these issues and know that I can make different choices now. We can either repeat old behavior or do something new. If we repeat old behavior we will get the same results. If we do something new we can potentially get different results, as long as we are willing to do everything differently. We can't make one little change and expect a totally different outcome. It has to all be aligned, the desire for things to be different has to also be accompanied by the willingness to 'be' different, to shift our beliefs, thoughts, and actions to create a different outcome.
It's also my birthday this week, which is always a time for introspection and review for me. I like my birthday and don't see it as the process of aging, I see it as an opportunity to look at what I have done in the past year, to pull out all of the things I enjoyed and learn from those that I didn't. I'm already feeling the shift and know that this next year is going to be less challenging that those I have had since 2003.
If you're seeing the 2003 cycles repeating now, are you less afraid now, more aware of different potentials, and have more courage this time, to do things differently?

So needless to say I’ve been thinking about 2003. Because guess what? I got diagnosed with DEPRESSION in 2003!!! It was only yesterday that I remembered that. I remembered that some of my downspiral thoughts that I’ve been having lately are the same as the ones I had when I was diagnosed with depression. And then I asked myself to think back, “When was I diagnosed? Oh shit it was 2003!”
That recognition seems to have opened a door for me. It’s reminding me that my mental focus has been on the wrong things, in the wrong areas. There hasn’t been any anxiety but there has been a profound sadness. I cannot count how many times I’ve said in conversation, “I can only go so far in this conversation because I’m about to start crying.”
Not that I’m afraid of crying but time and place.
Anyway, it’s the recognition of where I’ve been going with my mind. How I can guide my thoughts in a productive way. Focus my thoughts elsewhere, like on creative endeavours.

Back in 2003 I didn’t work for the bulk of the year. I experimented with believing in the universe, that the universe provides. I relaxed, and money appeared when I needed it and when I was ready to go back to work I got invited to a 2nd contract position at the day job I currently have.
In 2015, a different potential is to trust in the Universe in a larger way. Not just job-wise but with any aspect that shows up. The whole situation with the George Clooney character of last year and the beginning of this year really showed me that I am loved and the life lessons aren’t here to hurt me. They are here for me to learn, to heal, to move forward.
Have faith. Believe, Trust. Relax.
I have to find my permission to simply be and focus on my writing. Whatever blockage that is still within me that holds me back from occupying my time by writing. Hand that blockage over to the Universe’s care. I feel like the messages keep coming, telling me that it’s okay for me to write and yet there’s a blockage that holds back my consistency.
In 2003, I took the Humber School for Writers program. I’d never been able to afford that program prior to then and yet without a regular job I paid for the program.
Financial insecurity has been a repeated theme of my entire life. In 2015 I want to get to that place where I believe, “it has NOTHING to do with money!”

In 2003 I had bouts of exhaustion and I was sad about friendships. I couldn’t see that all that time to myself was for my best. Or I didn’t make full use of all that time to myself. Although I did take a really hard look at my friendships and I distanced myself from relationships that felt more hurtful to my emotions.
In 2015, I get that everything is about extreme self-care. My loyalties can carry me blindly in the wrong places. And I can feel undervalued . It always goes back to my childhood best-friend who has consistently shown me how I need to be valued. Or in Human Design terms, who has always recognized me. We were emailing in March, he was making sure that I will include some Montreal time to spend with him in the summer. It was the way he let me know that he wanted this to happen, he was giving me lots of time to prepare for it and the way he expressed his excitement about it. Showing me I am important to him. We can say it but can we show it? I have to be shown otherwise I don’t believe. I also need to take a look at what and who I’ve stopped believing in (which I also did in 2003.)

Abe-Hicks has an exercise. At least I think it's them. I couldn't find it on their site.
A To Do list 1) Things I Intend to Do Today and 2) Things I give to the Universe to handle.
I feel it’s time for me to practice this.
Also think about what extreme self-care means to me. One of the items is writing my morning pages the moment I wake up. It really rids me of the mental chatter.

I was writing my morning pages this morning I wrote, I've been allowing myself to feel down. There are different levels of melancholy. Some of it is a feeling and some of it is about thoughts. It all beckons back to 2003 when I was diagnosed with depression. 2003 pops up again. It's about not repeating the mistakes from then...
For whatever reason I flipped on the television. I don't normally turn it on when I'm writing my morning pages but because the Universe is loving...
On Breakfast Television, Frank Ferragine (Frankie Flowers) was interviewing this kid. The kid says that he'd been depressed and his guidance counsellor got him, "forced me,"to sign up for different groups, "the more I got involved, the better I felt."
The kid, Shane Feldman has an organization called Count Me In. His advice, "Try new things out of your comfort zone."
The last thing I wrote in my pages this morning, "Funny Universe. I wasn't going to turn on the Television and you give me that little gift."

And Reiki Fur Babies posted the following picture that I came across today:



I commented - I've needed this one. Been having bouts of exhaustion and mostly I know it's about over thinking, feeling impatient etc...

And their response - trust your guides and the angels... when we get out of the way, and let go of attachment, magical things come in !!"

I invite you to answer for yourself Jennifer Hoffman’s questions
Are you seeing repeats from 2003 now? If you're seeing the 2003 cycles repeating now, are you less afraid now, more aware of different potentials, and have more courage this time, to do things differently?

EY

I have an Open Head and an Open Ajna

I started working with my open head (or crown). That's the top triangle. All the shapes/centers that are white are considered open or undefined. Because of that open, undefined, triangle I am prone to receiving mental pressure from others and often think that it is my pressure when it isn't. I get lost in all this mental dialogue, mental chatter that I think I have to figure out.
My biggest issue that I noticed I have is solving other peoples problems. I ask all these questions and I feel like I need to find the answers to these questions, not realizing that they're not my questions.
The hardest part is being able to allow those questions to flow through my thoughts and not become attached to them.

My head and those questions is not a place for me to work out what my next decisions are. And the moment I think it is the place is the moment I am overcome with mental anxiety. The moment I think that the questions are valid is the moment I am overcome with mental anxiety.

At work, it was the situation of not ever having been invited by my boss to share my ideas or opinions. I've understood that clearly since I've found out about Human Design. So I know I'm working in a situation where I haven't been invited. That tells me to be quiet. Don't volunteer information. Don't say what I think could be done to improve anything because I won't be heard. That was simple enough. The hard part was the question, How do I gain approval from a person who hasn't invited me?

Still not the clearest question because the question was more, how do I avoid having to listen to being told that I didn't do my work the right way, according to him? I've spent all this time second guessing how he wants me to do my job in order for him not to tell me that I didn't do it right. If I did this first then I'd find out that I should't have done this first. Can you see what happens with that kind of thinking? I'm rushing around trying to get everything done at once simply so I don't have to hear, "Why didn't you do this first? This is more important."

I'm running around in this circle of anxiety, trying to avoid another beat down of disapproval when I know full well that I know how to do my job. I go into stress mode because I'm going to receive another evaluation where I have to fight every negative bullet point of how I'm not very good at my job.

As I started studying what the undefined head center stood for I started to think, "wait a minute, if he's never invited me, he can never approve of me. If he can't approve of my work then no matter which way I do it, it will be wrong."
AHA, AHA, AHA!

Damned if I do, Damned if I don't. hmm
If I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't then what do I do?
Don't do and don't don't. Get it?

I've always known what to do at this job. I know that certain projects have to be done by certain dates because accounting needs to process invoices based on my work by certain cut-offs, for example. These cut-offs are company wide. They are not arbitrary dates that can be pushed back and pushed back.

I've been second guessing my own work that I know, I know how to do because of all these questions in my head that have nothing to do with me. I know how to do my work. It is always accurate.
He will always voice his disapproval because there is no approval. What the hell am I getting stressed out for? I can't win.

The only valid question I need to answer, which I have, is do I know how to do my job right?
So, since I do know how to do my job right the only thing I need to do is do my job.

And that's what I've been doing since January. I've been simply doing my job. When he asks me if I've done something yet and I haven't, I inform him no and list all of the activities that are on my to-do list and when I plan on doing the activity he's asked me about. And I keep going on about my business.

I do not need to find answers to all these myriad of other questions that are not my questions.

I can use my open head to help me to relax, remind me to stay quiet (not initiate) and change my negative thoughts. I can use my open head to think about what I want to write.
My open head is good to help me to review but it doesn't help me to do.
Do not make decisions - I don't need to decide to quit my job, nor when I should quit my job. My head center can't help me with that. It's my strategy and authority that helps me with that decision. My strategy is to wait for an invitation and my authority is to find out within my emotional wave how I feel about that invitation.

My little mantra I wrote for myself regarding my open head center is be quiet and focus on my own projects. Think about my own projects. Not my questions, not my pressure, not my energy, not my chaos. I have to differentiate between what is theirs and what is mine. None of it is mine. Because I am open, it is coming into me and it is amplified. It is not mine.
The lesson is to become unattached and simply watch. Be quiet and focus on my own projects. Seeking his approval on the way I do my work is not my project. Doing my work accurately and within the set deadlines is my project.

With the Open Ajna (mind) center directly below the Head/crown center it's the mental pressure (the head) to find the right answers (the ajna).
The mental pressure questions that we think we need the right answers can fall into things like I have to be debt free before I have a baby or before I fall in love. I need to move into a bigger place before I start dating. I don't have to have an answer for everything or anything for that matter.

The Ajna, whether defined or undefined brings mental anxiety and fear. It just so happens that the undefined ajna's fear and anxiety is amplified because we are taking in so much more. We think we have to do this or that (whatever we name ii like x in a mathematical equation) in order to relieve the anxiety.

The combination of the two centers were causing me mental anxiety because I felt like I had to make decisions. I felt I had to fix things. I felt I had to do something to change what's been going on within the environment and only then would I feel okay.

I wrote up a bunch of notes for my open Ajna to help me to hone in on how all this pressure was feeding this anxiety that needn't be here

I do not have to do this (Quit my job; move away)
I do not have to do that (Get my life in order before I quit my job; move before I date)
I do not have to say that. I do not have to speak if I'm not invited. I do not have to help if I'm not invited. I do not have to find a way to resolve my issues at work. I let my strategy and authority decide how and when I speak. I don't have to rehearse possible answers to possible questions. If I make a rash decision about what I think I should do and follow through on it, I will replay that decision for the rest of my life. "Did I do the right thing? What if I had done it differently?"

Ask myself, Does this matter? Is this of value?
I can never be certain of anything I am not like everyone else and there is nothing wrong with that.
I don't need to be uncomfortable when I don't have an answer.
I simply need to learn how to be fully present instead of working to develop an answer or comment. (I was so anxious, I was always rehearsing in my head.)

I don't need to finish anyone's sentence. I can listen without impatience. I cannot solve my personal problems by figuring them out with the mind.

Studying those two centers has relieved me of so much angst.

I had that little conversation with myself like you have. There are two things that can happen here. I can quit my job or I can be fired. If he wants to fire me, he has to have a reason. If he doesn't have a reason then he has to pay me off. There are labour laws. I could quit, but there are still many good qualities about my job and so far, I haven't been invited to something new. And this job has really only been about this relationship. Well if all that is the case then I simply go to what I've always done in every job I've ever worked at. I simply do the best job I can do. And that's what I've been doing.

I stopped getting upset when decisions are made that I think, don't make sense. I remind myself that I'm not invited so there's no need to volunteer my "make sense" ideas because they won't be heard anyways. Ironically enough, we've been getting along much better.


A side note about invitations, in case I haven't explained them properly. If I had been invited then I wouldn't have to repeatedly be invited. I could go up to his office any time and say, I have an idea about saving our department money... Or I could email him and say, I was thinking of another way we could do this that might be quicker... And he would be open to 'hearing' what I had to say/email. Because I haven't received an invitation nor been recognized in knowing what I'm doing, if I volunteer, I am a nuisance.

Any of the notes I've gotten have been from the book I've been studying by Lynda Bunnell called Living Your Design. A Manual for Celular Transformation.

Previous blog entry about My Questions

EY

Being Here

The above quote and picture came from Jovian Archive

I'm feeling like I'm in 2015 energy and out of 2014 energy. Thank goodness. I was happy to see that year behind me. Mind you, It was a big learning year for me but you know what that often means right? The learning curve came with much pain. But like that GoDaddy.com commercial that makes me laugh 2014 can stick it! Stick it! Ha-ha!

I'm in my personal 3 year of Numerology and although I don't have many notes on my previous personal 3 years there are some great themes:

1988 - at 24 years old - I left my job as a nanny to 8 children.
I started a part time job at a bowling alley where I subsequently got bar-tending experience that experience subsequently got me a job as a waitress/bartender and then restaurant assistant manager and brought me downtown. And a co-worker at that job got me into working at a performing arts centre of which I've had a job within the performing arts either full-time or part-time ever since. You just don't know the gifts one little part-time job can give you. All the theatre and musicals and dance that I've watched because of my jobs and the people I've met including eventually my Australians!

I met one of the Warren Beatty's of Straight for Knife blog entry that year.

1997 - at 33 years old - I ditched the other Warren Beatty once and for all.
I spread my mom's ashes in Montreal

2006 - at 42 years old - It was a fun year.
I worked the final children's festival of one of the performing arts centres that I'd worked at for over 10 years. Every children's festival I'd worked I'd always get scheduled with the crappy guy. Everyone would be scheduled with their buddies and they'd ask me, "what did you do wrong that you have to suffer that punishment?" When I finally brought it up on the previous year, I was told that not every one could be scheduled with their friends. "You have to understand that we need people in specific places. It's not personal." But EVERY YEAR?!?
So for the final year I gave availability that made it impossible for me to be scheduled in the shitty position. It was my nice way of saying that the years of taking advantage of my accommodating nature were over.

And now we're in 2015 and I'm thinking of my personal 3 options. Thinking of what no longer serves me. Those were the themes of the previous 3 years. How might I begin something new, with a foot in the door, and what gifts might come with that beginning? Or better yet, what invitations might come with my preparation for them?

As I move into 2015 energies, I feel like I resolved the issues and blocks of the previous Warren Beatty with the help of George Clooney. He really did serve a fine purpose. I'm living comfortably with the knowledge that he is not for me. I've watched myself through a very important cycle, a full cycle with him. I don't feel any bitterness about it whatsoever and I understand emotionally that my cycle (It's actually called a wave in Human Design) is at the very least one full year. The brilliant thing is that we've gotten to a point where I can ask him questions and he answers them. It's like that episode of Sex & the City when Burger tells Miranda, "He's just not that into you." And she says,"Thank you! That information is so freeing."
Why doesn't he call when he says he's going to? He's just not that into you...

Old things I've learned about myself prior to starting this Human Design journey are being confirmed again and again with the HD experiment.

Things like:
- I need to know what a person wants from me so I can say either yes or no. In HD, it's the invitations of course there's the proper recognition of me that goes hand in hand.

- Something my mother told me when I was a young child, "You have to learn how to play solitaire. You have to know how to have fun all by yourself." In HD, it's what do I do while I wait for the invitations.

- I've always had a delayed reaction before I know how I feel. It can take me days to know How I really feel about a situation. In HD, My delayed reaction is my emotional wave.

- Be seen and not heard; Don't speak until spoken to. A childhood mantra I was raised on. And ironically enough in HD it's about me not initiating. I have to wait for the invitation. I have to be recognized first otherwise it's disastrous.

- Whenever I'm really happy in my life and I've got things going on is when men/people/friends approach me. In HD, the best quote that resonated with me is, "A Projector happily engaged and intrigued pulls the interest of others to them." I'm the person quietly reading on a flight somewhere and every body keeps asking, "What are you reading?" or saying, "Oh you look engrossed."

- I've always been an aloof person. I've never been one who makes friends quickly because I know that the energy of the wrong people wears me out. In HD, Tune into subtle energies to get the cooperation and attention to fulfill your purpose. Pause to assess situations and intentions of others.


So yes, Human Design is still on my roster. I think I'll make another blog entry to discuss my Head Center which has cleared up my mental anxieties because -- they weren't mine!

I usually have a specific theme for my year or a knowledge of what it will be but so far it feels wide open. When I listen to my intuition I hear words like Love, Self-Care, Faith. Faith has been coming up a lot. But more like faith in the process. I get a sensing, they tell me, 'it looks like chaos but have faith. When it's time, you'll understand.'
So I believe, I surrender, I find my faith.

There's a newness. It's like everything has been interwoven and all I have to do right now is simply Be Here.
Be here with the noise. Be here with the peace. Be here.
And as I'm here, I bring music with me. Where last year's playlist was called, Lift me Up, and it was filled with gospel music and songs of positivity this year's playlist is called , FUNK, and it's all about dancing.

I haven't talked about dreams in a long time. Hmm, Have I ever? LOL! Anyway, I've kept dream journals since I was in my early 20s. Dec 1996 is when my mom passed away, which was my personal 2 year and last year was my personal 2 year. In my dream on the early morning of the day of her death, last December, I dreamt about pandas. Playful, baby, pandas. I got off the public transit to help their caregivers coral them all to safety because they were running around playfully in the streets. One of the pandas jumped into my arms for a cuddle.

I love bears. I've always known that one of my animal spirits is the bear. It's been interchangeably a black or brown bear. It's been with me since childhood. When I'm/ it's scared it rushes at what scares us, then stands up on its hind legs and makes itself as big as possible. It lets you know don't fuck with us. We will do damage. It only comes out then. It came out most recently a couple summers ago when a man scared me in the grocery store. He backed away quickly. There is a polar bear too that joined up with us around 2006 but that bear is really quiet, still. The elephants joined me around 2010 (Thursday and Good Friday). There are quite a few elephants I still don't know how many. And Ganesha joined me by 2011, I think. The baby Ganesha in my dreams. A little playful guy, really adorable, who I could sense was telling me, "I go where ever you go." And a giant, adult Ganesha who leans in the doorway when I go for my massages and simply waits for me so I can really go deep into my relaxation.

And the cuddling, baby pandas that my mother sent me on the anniversary of her death. I originally thought it was simply to help me to cope with the day especially since I'd had nightmares every night leading up to the date. Because Pandas? Adorable! :-D But then as I researched pandas I realized that Panda is my animal spirit for my Human Design journey. So many of the things that my mother taught me, when I was a child, that upset me, are now turning out to be the perfect training for this Projector trip.

The Panda is about finding pleasure in what you are doing, not multi-tasking or over-working or being busy. Conserving energy; waiting and patience. And they can be as fierce as a tiger (the projector anger or bitterness.)


Dancing and Waiting Patiently and Being Here.

EY

What are my Questions?

3Jan15 Saturday

There's a bit of a blizzard outside. Our first for 2015. a perfect Saturday afternoon is being able to look out the window at the blizzard and not be in it. haha!


I'm still quietly moving along with my experiential learning of Human Design. Knowing the centers are next on my list to incorporate on the experiment I've been living. It's so funny too because I finally came up with an answer yesterday that brought the pendulum swinging from the extremes down into the middle territory.

You know how New Years go, I've been thinking about my focus in my Personal 3 year. Now that I've resolved some of the stuff of 2014 how do I move forward? With the Straight for the Knife guy, (S for KG Blog entry), we seem to have found a comfortable space with each other. He's opened up a whole lot and I notice something about myself.

I am filled with so many questions. I always have been. It's the questions that pull me out of my retreat to help others. It's the questions that I feel so strongly that I need to find the answers to. The questions can distract me and I can run off for years taking care of the wrong people, not being focused on myself.

You're having troubles with your in-laws? What solutions can I help you find to make your relationships with them work? Or how can we find the words for you to approach this subject with your husband/wife without alienating him or making him feel he has to choose between you and his parents? I am not well! ha-ha!

With the Knife guy, after a year of interesting interactions, we have more and more honest conversations everyday. In my maze of questions I've had many questions for him. Not about me, mind you, but questions on how to solve some of his situations. It's so weird because I'm at a rubbery detached place with him. I'm willing to be friendly. I understand that given our situation, how we are often thrown together, I have to find my comfortable place. I can no longer have designs on this person. And that's where the rubbery detached comes in because I am detached but I know how easy it is for me to be drawn back in.

We've had a couple weeks break from each other and I notice that his questions keep jumping around in my thoughts. His questions. How am I going to remain detached when I keep asking myself these questions? I'm involved in this. I have a stake in figuring things out.

Last night I journaled about energy. I've always noticed energy but in 2014 I made it more of a study. Sometimes I can feel anxious when I'm around a certain group of people and then I realize I'm not actually anxious I'm simply feeling the energy of the group. There's the energy of the wall, the closed down energy of workers towards their boss. There's the energy of fear that filters through the group. It was with the fear, one day, when I mentioned a few things/actions of others that went with it, the person looked at me like I was crazy and I realized, you can't feel that? Not every one can feel energy in the way that I do.

I spent serious time asking myself in 2014, 'Is this my energy?'

I spent time noticing energies that were inviting. Energies that spoke. There was a moment when I slipped with my boss after he'd asked me how I was and I started to complain about a work frustration and I felt his energy say,"Fuck! Why did I ask her that?" ha-ha! I stopped in mid-sentence and ended with, "I'll figure it out," so he could make a hasty retreat from my office. Which he did.

It's funny. It brings me back to being a quiet child. The time my mother said to her party guests, "If Shelley doesn't talk to you then I know there's something wrong. That child has a sense about her."

So as I come back to an old realization that I feel these energies and not everyone can feel them in the way that I do, yesterday I finally asked, What is my question?

If I'm going to find a way to remain detached from this person who has to be in my life I have to realize that all these questions are not my questions. They're his questions.

To remain detached from him and from everyone who distracts me, I have to ask myself, what are my questions?
If these are your questions, do I have to answer them? NO! If this is the energy of the room or the group, do I need to take it on? No. I just simply observe, wait for an invitation or not, accept it or not.

As we move into the new year energies and we get back to near daily contact I can go in and ask myself, is that my question? What is my question?

And that crazy rigmarole is me approaching learning about the Head (Crown) center and Ajna (Mind) center.
Being focused on other peoples inspiration, answering other peoples questions.
Both of my centers are undefined. Defined is when they are coloured in and undefined is when they are open or white. Obviously there's different meanings if they're defined or undefined.

So that's what I'm dealing with for the next while. Reading about centers and testing the information experientially as part of my experiment.

EY

Vacation

Thursday 30Oct14 10:30pm

The best vacation is when you don't know the date. I have to check the calendar every single morning. It's been a good feeling. I've been on vacation since Wednesday the 22nd and am off until November 4th.
It's been such a great break from focusing on the experiment, from focusing on being a projector. Although I have been listening to Human Design recordings, it's still been a good break.

I think the main reason is that I'm away from all the junk from work. In the middle of telling my boss, on my last day of work, that the woman who does the invoicing actually had access to a certain work system he cut me off to say fairly loudly, "Do you know how busy she is?" He didn't give me a chance to say what I was trying to say which was, if the approval hadn't gone through by end of day, the woman who does the invoicing has access to the system so she will have to check to see if it's approved because I won't be there to check it. That's all. But somehow I'm accusing her of not doing her job or something. sigh. Nothing like being in a place where you're not valued.

So it's been a great break from that. And all through my vacation I haven't worried about invitations at all. I've been attending the International Festival of Author's as I've done for close to 20 years now. I don't worry about interactions with others for the most part. Of course I know a lot of people there. So I receive a lot of welcoming smiles. But I really do stick to myself. One of my guys at work called it my reading week. I like that.

I've been a bit of a hermit in public. I don't initiate conversations. I walk around in my own little bubble. It is good.

I've been relaxing into the fact that I need/ want a new career/job, a new place to live, that the man who has seemed closest to a love interest is really not the right man although highly charismatic and attractive. It's weird to feel so good around a person and yet...so many things are just not right.

Since I've embraced the fact that 2014 is an alone year I've been having a ball. I went to Stratford, Ontario three weekends in a row. I saw A Midnight's Summer Dream; Hay Fever and Crazy for You. I tell you the Stratford Direct Bus has been a godsend. It's nice to be able to climb on the bus and get dropped off in front of the three theatres. Easy Schmeasy. Although the person sitting beside me has been a crap shoot. I had to give a guy shit for reading over my shoulder. "Buddy, I have to hide my personal writing because you don't have any manners? Shouldn't you be talking to your girlfriend over there?" His girlfriend gave him the look, he stopped reading over my shoulder. I think he was hoping that I would change seats so they could sit together. I get places early so I can sit where I want. I don't give up my seat to people who show up at the last minute and think they are entitled. Okay, okay, steps down from soapbox. :)

I went to see a friend and co-worker from my part time job do her stand up. It was part of a stand up competition. My co-worker is 22 years old. It was a great funny night. I felt special too. When I met her mother she said, "I can finally put a face to the name. My daughter talks a lot about you." It was a nice feeling. Sometimes I feel so bogged down in being around people who don't want me there, it's nice to know that some people do value my presence. It was also nice to see her gratitude in having me show up for her. She had so many friends there but she made it a point to tell me that night and again when I saw her at work how grateful she was that I'd take the time to see her perform.

One of the things I did notice from the Author's festival is that I do feel a bit of a surge of energy from being around so many people each day although it varies, I have felt tired as well. I'm thinking that I may become one of those people who goes to a coffee shop to write. Make use of the energy surge of others to my advantage yet not have to talk to anyone.

One of the benefits of following Human Design is that I feel as though it has given me permission to write. The key direction is that a projector focus on their passion, what they love, while they wait for the pertinent invitations. It really feels like the invitation I've always needed. I've spent so much time looking for the right job and being practical about my life and following the conditioning of parents and society that we need to live our lives following certain things. Well that hasn't worked for me anyways. Following my passions feels so much clearer.

It's good to get clarity on not worrying all the time. That feeling that I have to continue on in a certain direction just because. Who knows what my future has in store for me but I'll face each change as it happens instead of being focused on what ifs. I don't know who said it but I'm feeling it, "Do what they ask you to do until you can do what you want to do."

Of course when I go back to work I will have my evaluation. That should prove interesting. Last year he made up a bunch of bogus criticisms that he had to erase from my eval because I shot holes in each one of his criticisms. No doubt there will be more this go round. It seems to be the thing. I keep hoping that he'll find a way to give me three years pay as severance and I can skip my little black ass out of there for good. ha-ha! You never know.

And so it goes. A long weekend left of vacation and back to grind, hopefully maintaining the better state of emotions.

I'm hoping to blog about the man soon from the Human Design lense. I have a lot of notes. He has been a great gift.

EY

Human Design - The Experiment

Hey, What's Your Sign?

I've always loved Astrology. I like to find out what sign a person is. I like to have an idea of what a person might be like, of who I'm relating to. Of course I know that a person is more than simply a Taurus, that the deeper we delve into a person's full chart ,as opposed to simply their Sun sign, the more we can know about a persons possibilities. Some people still think that if you believe in Astrology that you're flaky but more and more people know their signs if you ask them. Some people will tell you their sign but will add the comment, "but I don't believe in it."

I get that.

To me Astrology is like creating a character for a novel. It's a part of figuring out what kind of person Kali is going to turn out to be. What's her personality. How does she view the world. Is she a sensitive Pisces? A witty, glib Gemini? a Passionate Leo?

I actually see that Astrology was a natural interest for me. There was so much confusion growing up. Confusion with people and who was going to be a good person and who would turn to violence to manipulate and who could betray your confidence and the multitude of options that people use to relate. When I meet people they really are characters to me until they become full fledged human beings. I create a profile of them in my thoughts and rule in beliefs about their personalities. Or rule out beliefs.

I think learning more about Astrology over the 30 or so years that I've been interested in it could be called an experiment. I find out what sign a person is and I notice what similarities that person has to other Aquarians I've met. The certain antics I've noticed that all Pisces men pull when they are playing at romantic interest versus the Pisces man who has a genuine interest. A pisces man will flirt, flirt, flirt and then when you show him an interest, when you want him to shit or get off the pot he'll turn around and say he has a girlfriend. But he won't come right out and say that directly. He'll say something like, "I've got this good thing going and I can't mess it up." or "My ex-girlfriend and I hang out together with our daughters. We lie in bed naked and ..." some random thing about their daughters coming into the bedroom and one daughter asks why are you naked and the other daughter knows why. You have to sit with it for awhile, asking yourself, "What does that mean?" before it sinks in. In other words, they have convoluted ways of telling you they are taken.

Anyway It's a long preamble to say that as I read other blogs and websites about The Human Design system that the thing I like the most is that just about everyone talks about it as the experiment. Because really we can only test things out and see if they are true for us or not. So I'm in the experiment. I'm looking back at where I've been invited and trying to understand the depth of invitations.

I've been looking at my full time job for instance. When I applied to work there it wasn't the first job I'd applied for. I had actually applied for a completely different position at another building. I was interviewed by three people at once. A nerve-wracking experience for sure. One of the interviewers was really shy so I'd make eye contact with her whenever I felt nervous. One person I asked the pointed questions to because he talked the most and seemed like the person who would make the ultimate decision. And I'd look at the HR manager for reassurance because she always had a smile on her face. It took them four weeks and they still hadn't made a decision. The HR Manager gave me a call and said, "Listen, they are taking too long to make a decision and I don't want to lose you. I've got another position available. It's a one year contract and it's a foot in the door. Would you be interested in interviewing for that?"

She told me about the job, the requirements, which I had in droves and off I went. When I got the job I called Joyce to thank her for being the smiling face in my original interview. "You really helped me to feel comfortable enough for me to show my best side."
"I just knew you'd be a good fit."
I've been at that job now permanently since 2005 after I worked it twice on two separate contracts for my predecessor's mat-leave. It's been a fun job. It's had its challenges but it's been a fun time. I see as part of the experiment of being invited that I was actually invited to that job. And with all that is said about Projectors and the right invitations and being recognized, I see how that was a great fit.

In the recent few years, everything has changed. None of the original people who hired me are there anymore. There is a whole new batch of people and the realization that I haven't been invited. And every time I attempt to make things happen, if I voice my opinions there is resistance. If I ask for anything there is resistance. In Human Design terms it would be called initiating.

So now what? I'm learning that there is an expiry date on invitations. That just because an invitation is perfect at one time it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to last a lifetime. It's time to get silent and wait for the next invitation. And I'm learning how to be comfortable around people who haven't invited me. That means keeping my mouth shut. Even if I have an idea on how to do things a better way, a more efficient way, a different way. With tests, I've watched how my emails are completely ignored. It was upsetting at first but now I see that I don't have to waste a lot of energy in trying to get my views across on deaf ears. Nor feel jarred by resistance.

As part of the experiment, I keep quiet. I stick to my office and do my job and as Bill Cosby would say, "just wait for my name."

A Projector's theme is bitterness. If I continue to bang my head against the wall, initiate, voice my opinions on deaf ears and meet the resistance, my natural progression would be to devolve into bitterness. I admit, I was going there. But I don't love bitterness. It feels crappy. It's exhausting and I have so many other interests. So I'm experimenting with simply being. And noticing energy.

There's a feeling of being invisible when I'm around people who didn't invite me there. It's interesting. I may start to say something and notice that no one is paying attention to me. I'll smile and say to myself, "You've got the invisibility cloak on." And then I'm happily silent. It's been saving me a whole lot of grief.

EY

A Need to Retreat

I just finished watching an interview of Paulo Coelho by Oprah Winfrey on her Super Soul Sunday.
It amazes me that I haven't read the Alchemist yet. But I will, of course, I have the book.

He has some gems, some words that help me to formulate in my mind, in my heart, what I want out of my life.
It's been a challenging year this 2014 Personal 2 year. It's been challenging because I've been so stubbornly fighting against all that was happening. I didn't want it this way. I didn't want this to be such a solitary year. I am 50 years old now. I wanted this to be a very social year of celebrations and laughter and change. I was caught off guard that my time in Australia was the big social, celebratory, laughter filled opportunity and that was all I was going to get for the entire year. I'm hurt. I want more, I'm not getting it.

I've finally stopped struggling, like you do eventually. It was that silent whisper that's been following me around like the perfect gust of wind at the perfect time. The whisper has been following me and I've been trying to shake it off. I just couldn't, I didn't want to hear it. I'm not prepared in any way for what I know deep down it has to say. And then I saw the message pictured above: I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I'm tired.

I'm tired. And I'm willing to say the whisper out loud. "I don't belong here anymore."
The year would have gone by so much easier if I'd simply paid attention to all the signs the Universe has been giving me since April of this year. Perhaps I could have used the past months to prepare myself. But life happens as it happens.

I had a good cry with a girlfriend on August 8th when I listed off how shitty things have been. That I've learned to avoid the passive aggressive punishments of the boss by practicing what I'd learned as a child. Being seen and not heard. And when I'm really good, not being seen nor heard.

There is so much fear and anger out there. I can't be the sponge for it anymore. I can't guide anyone in my immediate environment to understand that there's another perspective because they don't want to hear it, see it, believe in it.
We all want to place blame because it's easier than facing what we're hiding from ourselves.

I don't belong here anymore and I don't know where I'm supposed to go next. I haven't heard it yet. So I wait.

I've been studying Human Design for the full month since that traumatic Aug 8th full moon. I've got a box full of books I've bought, articles I've printed off various sites. I've subscribed to newsletters and joined Facebook groups. As I narrow my studies down to the proper focus, the order of what's most important to study now and what I can learn later, I feel more and more clarity. My latest messages, silent whispers, have been about retreating and sabbaticals. I'm not clear if I should use my savings and take the rest of the year off or wait until the New Year and see what the new energy is saying. So I wait. I wait. I wait and listen.

This has felt like such a dark time because I was looking at it in the wrong way. It's actually a huge, beautiful beginning in the making. It's just starting to wake up within me. My life is telling me that I have to make the room to allow the good, new changes to come. I have to accept that all I thought was going to happen didn't happen for a good reason. So many people weren't around because they no longer need me or they aren't joining me on the next stages.

Chief Webber to Dr Bailey on Grey's Anatomy (paraphrased) "It's not that they are forgetting you , they are setting you free to go and use this time to do all the magnificent things you have the potential to do"

Tomorrow is the Pisces full moon. Committing to what we intend to change in our lives is a good focus during a full moon. And Pisces is so well-versed in retreating. Me, I'm committing to feeding the Hermit during my retreat.

"I fought the good fight and I didn't lose faith." Paulo Coelho

EY

Opened to the Magic

I’m always reminded that magic happens whenever I look for it. I simply need to look for it. If I put a note on my wall of all the things I need to remember to live a sane and spiritual life I swear my walls would be covered. Needless to say I’m always working on finding that regular focus of wonder, I guess is the best way to put it.
Anyway I attended the final Bloody Words writing conference/ festival a few weekends ago. As I was walking in on the Saturday morning I was kitty corner from a woman cop and her horse. She was standing on the pavement talking to several people who were taking pictures of the horse. The first thing I said, out loud, on the street corner, was “HORSEY!” Yes my inner child is loud and present when it comes to animals.

Then, in my head, I said, “Let me go over there and show this cop what I can do to her horse.” Half joking/ half serious.

I got to them just as she was situating herself back on the horse. I smiled and said Hi and asked her if it was okay if I pat the horse. She said yes. “His name is Timmus.”

I let Timmus smell my hand then I patted him and chatted with him about how beautiful he is and how his eyes were so lovely. Like I do. Then I said to him and the cop, that I would let them go and started to say my good-byes which consists of me repeating like a nut-bar, “Okay good bye, good bye beautiful, goodbye.”

Doesn't Timmus gently press his whole head up against my breasts and stomach and stay that way? I moved my face up against his and we cuddled as I said, “That’s the nicest goodbye ever. I’m so glad that I stopped to meet you.”
The cop looked down at us both in awe. She said, “Wow, He REALLY likes you. He’s never done that before, to anyone!”
I said, “Ahh, he’s just getting a little emotional because he understands how emotional I am.”

“It must be because he’s not emotional in the least. He’s simply not an emotional horse. ”

I smiled and waved my goodbyes to them both and I trotted off with a huge smile on my face.

Last night I had pre-screening passes to see the Jersey Boys movie. I didn't look too hard to find a friend to attend with me. I asked three different friends and they all had plans and I was done looking. I asked myself why I didn't feel like going to the trouble of asking around to find someone who might want to go. I decided to listen to that feeling and go to see the movie on my own. Maybe I’d have a piece of magic.

I had two hours to kill after work and before the movie started so I figured I’d choose a restaurant/ bar close to the theatre and have a glass of wine. I walked up the strip and chose a place that was not busy and sat at the bar.
I wasn't even hungry but ended up ordering their Indonesian chicken wings. Any one who meets up with me at restaurants knows that I have my two go-to favourite meals, chicken wings or bangers & mash. I had bangers & mash in Bermuda and chicken wings in Brisbane, Australia. Ha-ha! Anyway I was sitting at the bar away from the three men who were on the other side of the bar. I’d had a conversation with one of the bartenders about tattoos because she had three. (I promised her I’d go back in September once I got my next half-birthday tattoo to show it to her.) And I had reading material. I was reading Christine Delorey's article “The Lesson Continues Until It Is Learned” (something I firmly believe) and highlighting pieces that mean something to me.

A woman comes in and doesn't she sit right beside me? Not leave an empty chair between us but right beside me. So I think, I wonder what we have to offer each other today. I over hear her ask about the Riesling and Joey tattoo bartender says, “well this lady right here is drinking it.” They both look at me. “What do you think of it?”

I smile and say, “Well it’s my 2nd glass. It’s lovely, not too sweet.”

And I did the weirdest thing EVER! I look at the lady and say, “if it doesn't freak you out you can try a sip of mine.”

I do not know where that came from except maybe I was being a bit of Timmus the Horse to her energy. There was a gentleness in her eyes. You know some people just exude it. So she said, “yes okay, I will take a sip and I promise I don’t have the cooties.”

She ordered a glass of the Riesling based on the sip. It was a tasty Riesling. Ha-ha!

And we cracked jokes about cooties and our conversation was off and running. She asked me what I was working on and I told her about the numerology report. I told her about Christine’s work. I swear in 3 minutes she had typed in three websites in her phone that I recommended including my blog address, which she asked for once I said I am a writer.
We talked about energy and energy vampires. We talked about being sponges to other peoples energy and understanding more and more a need to protect ourselves from it. We talked about social media and how difficult it is to be a kid and have someone post crap about you and the negativity and she likened it to being “common people paparazzi.”

“I know right?,” I said, “You can’t make any mistake in public ever because the first thing people are doing is pulling out their phones to take a picture of you to post.”

That 45 minutes talking to Shauna (Shawna?) flew by like five minutes. Then her dad showed up for them to have dinner before they attended Jersey Boys the movie, as well. We shook hands, said nice to meet you, thanks for the great conversation and she was off with her dad.

I said to Joey the bartender, “Wow I really liked her. I’m so glad she sat beside me”

“Yes it’s funny how that can go when someone sits right beside you when there are so many empty seats. My first thought is always, why beside me when there are so many other places to sit. But if we just open ourselves up we could have a really great experience. I try to remember that when someone sits beside me on public transit when they could have sat in the bunch of empty seats instead”

I agreed with Joey wholeheartedly.

And that’s what I know I am opening myself up to now that I’m getting over most of my friends being engrossed in their own lives and too busy for meet ups. That’s what guided me not to find someone for my extra pre-screening pass. I’m embracing ‘being alone for a reason.’

There’s something that I need to open myself up to that I can only do alone. I’m also testing my energy as a projector. I’m asking the energy, my energy, ‘okay show me who embraces my energy today. Show me who is sending me an invitation.’

And as I walked into the Scotiabank Theatre to watch Jersey Boys a man asked, “Would you happen to have an extra pass for Jersey Boys?”

“Yes as a matter of fact, I do. Here you go. It never hurts to ask eh?’ I smiled at him as he thanked me profusely. Probably because I didn't try to sell it to him. And I was up the escalator to a movie based on a live show that I love that has brought me such great pleasure, memories and friends! I’m super happy Clint Eastwood made it into a movie. I love that he loved the show that much. I loved being able to sit in the theatre with all my sentimentality and be surrounded with so much that I got to love for a few years when the live show was in Toronto. And I love that they incorporated the finale in a way that tips their hats off to the live show. I danced the live show finale everyday at work and when I was an audience member in the live show. I left the theatre giggling like a school girl
EY

Invitations

Thursday 8May14 6:16pm

I've been working on putting some of this Human Design information into practice to test out how it all pertains to me. And it can't hurt that's for sure.

I'm finding out interesting information about myself. My type of course is a 'Projector' and my strategy for success is to 'wait for an invitation.'

It's ironic that my strategy is to wait for an invitation because I perfected waiting when I was a child simply because I was always told, "you have to wait: Until I say so, until I'm good and ready, until we have the money, until the sisters get comfortable, until until until..." I perfected waiting but I promised myself that when I grew up I wouldn't have to wait for anything anymore. I did some waiting but I didn't always wait and I suppose it has put me in some sticky situations. So now I'm being guided to wait. Impatient one that I've allowed myself to become.

I've gone to church three weeks in a row to pray for patience amongst other things. ha ha! And this past Saturday I woke to an email from a work acquaintance asking me if I would be interested in meeting for a coffee to discuss possibly working together on a business opportunity. The part of the invitation that made my heart swell was that he said that he's always enjoyed working with me at my part time job because I am friendly, fun to chat with and am a hard worker. I met up with him and we discussed this business opportunity and I left with samples of this product. I was really enthusiastic at first.

A few things came up as I thought about that invitation:
I was enthusiatic, as I said, but I questioned why was I enthusiastic? Was it simply because I'm looking for an escape from the same old same old and I think this is my fastest way to escape? Do I really believe I can get rich quick with this? Oh wait do I even like doing this? One of the things that I promised myself about a year or so ago is that I would stop looking for a job and instead I would create a life. Because the job to job and chasing money hasn't worked for me. Yes I get paid well enough, obviously, I went to Australia. But I wasn't going to jump from what I'm in now into the same old shit just for the sake of moving on.

The invitation was so bang on in recognizing me was it clouding my judgement? I have to laugh because as I've been contemplating everything I even said out loud, "No body would ever expect me to sell makeup or skin care products." I don't wear makeup and I wash my face with Johnson's baby wash and Witch Hazel. I don't have an elaborate cleaning regime. So how am I going to 'sell' when everyone who knows me knows I don't give a crap about that stuff? Can you see the winds changing my enthusiasm with a dose of grounded reality?

And Time! How much time will this take away from what I really do love? As I practiced every thing in my mind, I saw that this was more of a committment than I was willing to make. It won't help me to live more of what I want to live, more time to write and travel. It will have me focused on building a salesforce and clients and well, that's not my thing. How would I feel about this, all this time that I would have to commit to something that doesn't make my heart sing? Well we all know the answer to that, right?

And the final big thing about accepting invitations or not, is that desperate fear that no other invitations will be coming so if I say no to this have I shot myself? Can I afford to turn down this invitation when I am so clearly recognized for who I am? I added a little research to back up my decision, just so I knew that even though I didn't feel this was the right invitation for me, that I put in some sort of effort. I mentioned it to a co-worker at my day job and she told me that her friend in Calgary is doing this same thing and she loves it, LOVES it. She has a facebook page and she sends all her friends all sorts of invitations and has parties... "Yeah, no I don't sell to my friends, so that would never be an option for me."

I spoke to my co-worker at my part-time job about it, he frowned and said, "I told you about this, that's what Liz is selling!" Oh shoot I remember that, it's that? Oh shoot! And he left me with his final words of wisdom, "I'm not trying to stomp on your ideas if this is what you want to do but basically 'product name' should be called how to end your friendships." Then he told me to ask my Armenian brother about it, who I was meeting with the next night. My Armenian brother frowned immediately when I asked him. Okay, that's all I need to know. LOL

So it's interesting. It reminds me that what I said in a previous blog entry was to wait for the gold and not jump for the glitter. Monday night when I was hearing about this opportunity I kept asking myself, 'is this the glitter or the gold?'

I'm glad that it will be a week before I meet up with this business opportunity person again although I'm ready now to give an informed no. It was good to take this opportunity to use these techniques that are recommended in the Human Design: Wait for an invitation; allow the emotional wave of my feelings to calm down so I can feel my feelings alongside my intuition and asking people I trust for advice. And of course questioning my motives for considering this as a yes which is my tendency towards escaping. I can say yes to anything just so long as i can escape.

On the day job front I've noticed that since I've stopped volunteering information on deaf ears and wait until I'm asked, that my work life has been calmer and less frustrating.

I bought a reading for a co-worker who was promoted to another building so I'm looking forward to see if the Human Design has as much of a profound affect on her as it is having on me.

I was going to talk about men in this entry but alas this was a long entry. LOL

EY

P.S. I didn't want to mention the business name because it's not about the business it's about the invitation. Plus I don't want to insult anyone who might do this, love this, thrive on this business...

Personal 2 Years past; The New Moon and Human Design

Wednesday 8:05pm 30April14

I was going to have a nap on the weekend and had the television turned on to Much More Music, Thank God they play music videos again. I'm lying in bed just about to drop off to snoozeland and I hear this beautiful voice. He made me sit up, put my glasses back on so I could read the TV to find out who he was. So I've been killing Sam Smith's song, Stay with me. I don't hear new music in any big way anymore because I don't have a radio. I don't do the same kind of music research that I did as a kid. If I hear a song I like in a movie, I'll wait for the credits to find out what it's called and who sings it. But that's about it.

I love the melancholy feel to it. I love to sit and listen to a song on repeat for hours sometimes days. Sometimes I'll get to the 4th play of the same song and it will make me cry. I'm re-framing calling myself someone who suffers from depression to me being a melancholy person. One of the gates in my Human Design chart points out that I have high highs and low lows. In one of the reports it says that I shouldn't call my melancholy feelings depression. That I should use those feelings to work on my art. Hmm! What a thought.

Depression means crawling into bed and hiding from the world and possibly medication if my doctor has any say in the matter. Which he never did. But looking at my cycles as melancholy and using that to go deep and be creative. I really like that idea and change of focus.

I got my Numerology personal profile from Christine Delorey that I've begun wading through and it's reminded me of all that work I did going back over my previous personal years and recording certain events.

So yesterday I looked over my previous personal 2 years. I don't have much written for 1987 but 1996 had some interesting tidbits. In 1996 I met my My friend Bee from Australia when he was performing here in Toronto. During that time he said when he went back to Australia to settle that he wanted me to come and visit. And this year in my personal 2 year I went to visit him in his home in Australia. In 1996 I was seeing 'Bryan' who I mentioned in my previous post. It becomes even more ironic that I told that anecdote to my friend and linked it to this current guy now finding out that they are both in my personal 2 year. The lessons that repeat and repeat until we learn them!

In 1996 a relative who never recognized me came to visit me after the death of his wife and fully recognized me. I left working with children (which had been a lifetime dream) because I didn't feel my work was appreciated (from the co-workers and supervisors stand point) and moved into working in the performing arts where I met Bee from Australia. I had some financial problems from that transition and used the Creating Money book (by Sanaya Roman) and ended earning more money than I'd ever prior to that. By the time my mom passed away in 1996 at least my finances were in order because I was rolling into 1997 an emotional mess

In 2005 I left working for the life coach and went back to the Performing arts centre full time. But this time around I didn't speak for the entire month. I wasn't happy being there full-time and I just went to work and did my work but I didn't really participate socially. I met Caroline O'Connor, while I worked there, and she gave me a pep talk to end all pep talks, she inspired me and showed me artistic love. I had been feeling so disheartened by the lack of appreciation for my work and unsure of a direction. The next month, I got back to my current day job, this time permanent full-time after having worked it on contract twice for two maternity leaves.

So it seems part of the focus for me in a 2 year is finances, I made a budget for this new moon.
Bryan type men with the games and manipulations
Leaving places and people where I don't feel appreciated
The book Creating Money
And lifetime dreams.

April Kent talks about the Taurus New Moon Cycle. It was Tuesday April 29th. You still have time to make your new moon goals.

She says, "Pay attention to your feelings and interactions about money, property, your body; they are reminding you of the need to enjoy, reuse, and take care of the things you own....You need to slow down just now and take stock of where you're at"

In April Kent's report she tells you what to initiate : The waxing phases of the Taurus New Moon (up to the full moon) cycle are a good time to launch projects or set intentions related to:
1 - Financial Security
2 - Taking care of what you own and
3 - Enjoying your life more.

Happy New Moon!

EY

What's Good About This?

Wednesday 6:42pm 30April14

I'm happy to see the end of this April let me tell you. It has been EXHAUSTING! I have climbed into bed more times before 8pm then ever. But in the light of the New Moon I'm starting to feel human again and look at the positives in all the shenanigans.

It amazes me how one man can enter my life and truly make me swoon like a teenager and then ruin everything.
That's the problem with games. A man might think that he's got some sense of control or he can prove something to himself with that attitude of I'll show her I like her and then I'll never show up when I say I'm going to. She'll be putty in my hands. Yes the fake bad boy persona works well indeed, on 20 year olds. I think he forgot I am 50.

20 year olds don't always know that that feeling he's giving you isn't excitement, it's anxiety.
20 year olds don't always realize that there has to be action behind those words no matter how nice the words may sound. They do nothing if there is no consistent action to prove the words true.

The problem with games, when you play games with me, is that when I reach that moment where I say out loud to myself, "Oh he's really not interested in me," it's game over. I move into face saving mode, I do one action or I say a comment that makes it clear, "I don't think of you as boyfriend material, you've been set free." And then I expect him to go away. He didn't go away.

Man oh man, my male confidants were telling me to expect him to ask me out because now he's wondering why you're not interested in him and all I kept saying was, "but how do I get rid of him?" You move into this weird limbo of maybe this guy can be a good guy once he realizes that I don't play the games. Or maybe this guy will just give up the posturing and just talk to me like we are two normal humans. Or maybe I don't know, anything but this. Because this person felt so big in my life I felt a little stuck with wondering when things might change for the better. The optimist in me. But as I picked that hypothesis apart in my journal, I finally wrote down "he really felt like he could totally be a good guy if he just got the proper focus and stopped with the games and bullshit. Oh wait, right, if he were ANOTHER person!" ha-ha!

The big thing for me is how to pull myself out of these things without walking away bitter or angry or ready to punch someone in the stomach.

It's interesting though because I was telling an anecdote about an old boyfriend, Bryan. He wanted things from me that I wasn't willing to give him and because he didn't like that my answer was no, he tried every way to beat up my self esteem instead of simply leaving. I kept saying to him, "clearly I'm not the woman for you, why do you keep coming back? Why do you keep calling? Why won't you let me be?"

This similar thing was happening. This new guy would blurt out some inappropriate story that he just had to tell me. That had nothing to do with our pleasant conversation. It was like he was trying to tell me repeatedly that he's not interested in me, when he only had to tell me once. It was like he couldn't stay away from me just like Bryan, like he was courting me or trying to get my attention with insults. It was unsettling.

So I had to finally punch him in the stomach. Not with my fist, of course, but with a comment that essentially said, "if you can't be a likeable guy I can't even talk to you, anymore." Only what I said was harsher and really pinpointed how childish his behaviour is for a man who expects to be looked at treated like he's a man.

I realize that I can often compartmentalize what people do as not affecting me but I'm not willing to do that anymore. I'm not interested in interacting with men I know treat women poorly. Or as my friend James would say, like port-o-potties. I'm over justifying people who say I'm going to do this for you, probably mean it at the time, but never follow through. And it all comes back to the Human Design chart and the readings about half-assed, last minute invitations and half-assed people. It's a waste of my time and energy. I like that in one of my readings it says, "don't waste your time on the glitter, the gold is just around the corner."

When normally at this point I would have given up I've actually said to myself over the last couple days, "I'm waiting for the Gold."

So there we go, I'm waiting for the gold trusting it's on its way.

Now that's a new moon intention if there ever was one!
EY

Personal 2 Year and the Cardinal Cross

Thursday 24April14 5:13pm

This is looking to be a very eventful Personal 2 year.
My subjects to focus on seem to be men and siblings. ha-ha! Nothing small for me, ever.
Actually I feel like everything is coming up.

The men thing has been fascinating and as I go through what I go through I find I've moved in to this really calm space and I'm starting to study them. Peculiar creatures men are. The divorced men who feel like they missed out on something and have all this catching up to do and they go into deceptive game playing. The con men who want to see what they can get. The men who have decided they want their forever woman and well, you'll do. It's fascinating out there folks. The Cardinal Cross and the lunar and solar eclipses have been sending me male chaos left, right and centre and up and down. One good change is at least none of the men have been Capricorn! ha-ha If you ever read my blog in past years (which is only 1 person) you know about my Capricorn condition and how I hoped, wished, prayed never to meet another Capricorn interest ever again.

The sibling thing for me has been about the weird jealousies and competition or full support. There's been no in between. I guess a lot of people want to feel like they are not the loser in the room, but we're all losers at some point. Watch the Olympics, not every one walks away with a medal. It can be hard when you realize that some people want you to always be the loser and they get downright pissed off when you're not.

I don't know. Nelson Mandela's death had a big impact on me or maybe it's the realization of his life and his life's work. I keep trying to dive into the concept of being imprisoned for so many years and coming out of it peaceful. What kind of inner work would you have to do? What kind of thoughts would you have to have in order to let go of all of your anger and feelings of victimization and be of peace? I watched a show on CNN or 60 minutes fairly recently about a man who was fasley imprisoned for 25 years for his wife's murder. And in his own Mandela way, the man was very gentle when he spoke and he smiled a lot and he was at peace. Everything he talked about affirmed what I'd journaled about Nelson Mandela. The man said that you remember every conversation you've ever had. Every cross word. Every terrible thing you've ever done and anyone has ever done to you. And you find a way to heal it all because all you have is time. And you realize God in everything. That God is love and love is peace. And this coming from a man who didn't get to see his son grow up but did get to meet his grand daughter.

I've had an idea in my head that isn't fully formulated yet. But I think we all live a 20 to 25 year bit of a prison sentence even if we aren't in a physical prison. I think we all rush to an extent for these things, experiences, something that we think we want because that's how it's done or because I'm not going to do it the way they did it. I think we live imprisoned by expectations and feelings that we've missed out on something and how we get through that period either drives us a little crazy or brings us to peace. I'm working on finding my peace from my 25 years of imprisonment.

I've already lived a lifetime dream in my Personal 2 Year of going to Australia after wanting to go since I was 5 years old. The possibilities for my life are still swirling around in my head since I've returned. I've already said that leaving Toronto is more than a strong possibility and there are so many other questions I am asking myself of the possibilities that I want to realize.

Having the Human Design chart done has made me feel like it has actually set the tone for Act 2 of my life. I'm starting to look back at my relationships with a new light. The times I was invited to share my wisdom. This morning as I walked to work listening to my I-Pod I had the memory that is probably the best depiction of a Projector, for me anyway. It was the day my mother realized that I knew how to find good music in Montreal. I would flip through records at the record store and pull out the ones I thought she should buy. When she did buy what I suggested and played the music she'd look at me like I was a savant. How the heck does this kid know how to find music in Montreal?
If you know anything about Montreal in the 1970's, it wasn't an easy feat to find good black music because there wasn't that much played on the radio stations. They played the famous black singers like Stevie Wonder and Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye but if they weren't big they weren't played.

As a good Projector, waiting to be noticed and invited, I used my time wisely. I read every album cover of every record my mother owned. So I knew who wrote songs, who produced albums, who the musicians were and if I saw enough of the same names on any other album in the record store I would tell my mother to buy it. I had such a good memory for that kind of stuff that even when I moved to Toronto as an adult my mother would call me to ask me "what album is such and such song on." Oh that's on the album where the singer is wearing the purple leather suit. ha-ha!

So yes the stuff about the Human Design probably doesn't make a lot of sense in this blog but all I have to really say is that if you have young children it is wise to get their chart done because it could really make a huge difference in knowing how to treat them, react to them etc. I'm hoping to write more about Human Design as I find out more. I just received Karen Curry's book Understanding Human Design and it looks like it was a good choice from flipping through it.

Oh and I got a reading from Debra Jones. It was a printed document of about 27 pages that takes her about 4 weeks to do. She charges $80 for this document. I'm still wading through it and having a whole set of AHA moments.

EY