Melancholy Then and Now

Picture from The Color Purple Movie. at site www.screeninsults.com

I am a moody person. My step dad would be so thrilled to have me say this as he accused me of being moody when I was a teenager. I didn’t think I was moody then. I mean I WAS moody but it was because of the daily treatment. I hated my step-father by the time I hit my teen years. He had treated me unfairly when I was paired up with his daughters – different rules for different people. If anyone was to be punished without letting up or ridiculed in an humiliating way, I was the prime candidate. A person can only take that shit for so long. I used to love to tell the stories about what life was like when I declared war on my step-dad. I trampled everything in my path AND I LOVED IT! I was The lion mauling the lion tamer. The elephant trampling the abusive handler. The hysterical grizzly bear protecting her cub. Or Celie in the Colored Purple pulling the butcher knife out of the Turkey or ham and pointing it at Mister’s throat.

My subsequent anger (or bitterness) about the whole step-dad situation falls into the Projector description of bitterness in human Design. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to experiment with its truth. It all rings very true to me.

So much is going on for me emotionally lately and I’m trying to work myself into it and stay present.
It’s the thoughts primarily, the monkey mind that gets out of control. The wrong focus for my well-being.

Through my Human Design chart I am told that I have the channel of Moodiness 39-55
channel-of-moodiness-39-55

the defined channel of Emotional Moodiness (39 - 55) ... is subject to mood swings that at times can find her either depressed or elated. What she can learn about herself is that when she swings into a deep mood, she is reaching into her place of deepest creativity, where she accesses a part of herself that is profoundly connected to her Spirit. Chetan Parkyn

From the article about Drew Barrymore

Because being an emotional person who has to wait and go through waves of ups and waves of downs before I can make a decision isn’t enough I’ve got this whole moody thing going on. My biggest challenge with it lately has been about convincing myself that it isn’t depression. “This is not depression, this is what it is, a fluctuating mood that is a part of the way I operate. “
Because the Universe is loving I’ve received some answers to help me along the way.

Jennifer Hoffman posted this on Facebook on April 6th

Jupiter goes direct this week, on Thursday, after being retrograde since December 7, 2014. It is also at the degree it was in May 2003. That's significant for me because it's the month when I moved from Virginia to Phoenix, to begin this new journey that would involve being totally broke, nearly homeless, and denied a job I thought I had, which spiralled me downward into a really scary financial situation. It's when I asked God to take me home every night because I thought that my life was in such disarray that it was the only solution.
On the bright side, it also started my journey into acknowledging my spiritual gifts, and using them with a larger audience as I also met Archangel Uriel six months later, and started the website and newsletter. All good things but Jupiter can expand our challenges as well as our blessings.
Are you seeing repeats from 2003 now?

I wrote in response:
Shelley-Lynne Domingue, Writer - In 2003, I gave up my full-time job that I hated and TRUSTED that the Universe would provide. I worked very little that year and money kept appearing when I needed it. I took a writing course (week long intensive) that I'd always wanted to take but could never afford. I think it was in May that I signed up for it as the course was in June. There was more focus on our writing because of the SARS scare in Toronto, out of towners didn't want to take the chance so the course attendance was lower than it normally is. Wow it's good thinking back.

On April 7, 2015 Jennifer wrote:

Jennifer Hoffman
April 7 at 1:14pm · Edited · 
2003 has been on my mind because it was such a difficult year for me, where I had to face a lot of my fears, some of which I didn't even know I had. In that year, I became homeless, penniless, I could not find a job, I had to do work I never thought I would ever do (reading tarot cards and doing intuitive readings), and I faced a health crisis after being bitten by a brown recluse spider. All of that happened in about 6 months but the effects lasted for over a decade.
That cycle is coming around again now as I am being reminded of these issues and know that I can make different choices now. We can either repeat old behavior or do something new. If we repeat old behavior we will get the same results. If we do something new we can potentially get different results, as long as we are willing to do everything differently. We can't make one little change and expect a totally different outcome. It has to all be aligned, the desire for things to be different has to also be accompanied by the willingness to 'be' different, to shift our beliefs, thoughts, and actions to create a different outcome.
It's also my birthday this week, which is always a time for introspection and review for me. I like my birthday and don't see it as the process of aging, I see it as an opportunity to look at what I have done in the past year, to pull out all of the things I enjoyed and learn from those that I didn't. I'm already feeling the shift and know that this next year is going to be less challenging that those I have had since 2003.
If you're seeing the 2003 cycles repeating now, are you less afraid now, more aware of different potentials, and have more courage this time, to do things differently?

So needless to say I’ve been thinking about 2003. Because guess what? I got diagnosed with DEPRESSION in 2003!!! It was only yesterday that I remembered that. I remembered that some of my downspiral thoughts that I’ve been having lately are the same as the ones I had when I was diagnosed with depression. And then I asked myself to think back, “When was I diagnosed? Oh shit it was 2003!”
That recognition seems to have opened a door for me. It’s reminding me that my mental focus has been on the wrong things, in the wrong areas. There hasn’t been any anxiety but there has been a profound sadness. I cannot count how many times I’ve said in conversation, “I can only go so far in this conversation because I’m about to start crying.”
Not that I’m afraid of crying but time and place.
Anyway, it’s the recognition of where I’ve been going with my mind. How I can guide my thoughts in a productive way. Focus my thoughts elsewhere, like on creative endeavours.

Back in 2003 I didn’t work for the bulk of the year. I experimented with believing in the universe, that the universe provides. I relaxed, and money appeared when I needed it and when I was ready to go back to work I got invited to a 2nd contract position at the day job I currently have.
In 2015, a different potential is to trust in the Universe in a larger way. Not just job-wise but with any aspect that shows up. The whole situation with the George Clooney character of last year and the beginning of this year really showed me that I am loved and the life lessons aren’t here to hurt me. They are here for me to learn, to heal, to move forward.
Have faith. Believe, Trust. Relax.
I have to find my permission to simply be and focus on my writing. Whatever blockage that is still within me that holds me back from occupying my time by writing. Hand that blockage over to the Universe’s care. I feel like the messages keep coming, telling me that it’s okay for me to write and yet there’s a blockage that holds back my consistency.
In 2003, I took the Humber School for Writers program. I’d never been able to afford that program prior to then and yet without a regular job I paid for the program.
Financial insecurity has been a repeated theme of my entire life. In 2015 I want to get to that place where I believe, “it has NOTHING to do with money!”

In 2003 I had bouts of exhaustion and I was sad about friendships. I couldn’t see that all that time to myself was for my best. Or I didn’t make full use of all that time to myself. Although I did take a really hard look at my friendships and I distanced myself from relationships that felt more hurtful to my emotions.
In 2015, I get that everything is about extreme self-care. My loyalties can carry me blindly in the wrong places. And I can feel undervalued . It always goes back to my childhood best-friend who has consistently shown me how I need to be valued. Or in Human Design terms, who has always recognized me. We were emailing in March, he was making sure that I will include some Montreal time to spend with him in the summer. It was the way he let me know that he wanted this to happen, he was giving me lots of time to prepare for it and the way he expressed his excitement about it. Showing me I am important to him. We can say it but can we show it? I have to be shown otherwise I don’t believe. I also need to take a look at what and who I’ve stopped believing in (which I also did in 2003.)

Abe-Hicks has an exercise. At least I think it's them. I couldn't find it on their site.
A To Do list 1) Things I Intend to Do Today and 2) Things I give to the Universe to handle.
I feel it’s time for me to practice this.
Also think about what extreme self-care means to me. One of the items is writing my morning pages the moment I wake up. It really rids me of the mental chatter.

I was writing my morning pages this morning I wrote, I've been allowing myself to feel down. There are different levels of melancholy. Some of it is a feeling and some of it is about thoughts. It all beckons back to 2003 when I was diagnosed with depression. 2003 pops up again. It's about not repeating the mistakes from then...
For whatever reason I flipped on the television. I don't normally turn it on when I'm writing my morning pages but because the Universe is loving...
On Breakfast Television, Frank Ferragine (Frankie Flowers) was interviewing this kid. The kid says that he'd been depressed and his guidance counsellor got him, "forced me,"to sign up for different groups, "the more I got involved, the better I felt."
The kid, Shane Feldman has an organization called Count Me In. His advice, "Try new things out of your comfort zone."
The last thing I wrote in my pages this morning, "Funny Universe. I wasn't going to turn on the Television and you give me that little gift."

And Reiki Fur Babies posted the following picture that I came across today:



I commented - I've needed this one. Been having bouts of exhaustion and mostly I know it's about over thinking, feeling impatient etc...

And their response - trust your guides and the angels... when we get out of the way, and let go of attachment, magical things come in !!"

I invite you to answer for yourself Jennifer Hoffman’s questions
Are you seeing repeats from 2003 now? If you're seeing the 2003 cycles repeating now, are you less afraid now, more aware of different potentials, and have more courage this time, to do things differently?

EY

I Went to Church Today

Sunday 20April14 1:48pm

I went to church today for the first time in 40 Years.
I'd been thinking about it for a long while. I'd been to this church before for a function and I liked the feel of it. A couple had chatted with me back then and told me that the service was filled more with affirmations and wasn't too churchy. That's why they'd started going. So this morning I was up, I got ready, and I left the house and went to church. It was a good experience and one I think I'll continue for the next little while, at least.

So much has been going on in my life that I'm looking at any way and all ways of grounding my energy and keeping a spiritual focus. I was reminded that it was 3 years ago this past Good Friday that I had my elephant experience at my part time job. I actually talked about it with my co-worker this past Thursday because it was the Thursday before Good Friday when the whole big spiritual experience started then continued into the Friday. I had actually said to my co-worker, "I wonder what my Good Friday gift will be this year."

I realized as I chatted with my co-worker about the shenanigans that had transpired through the week of the full moon eclipse that I was describing me coming into my full power as a woman. Finding it, acknowledging it and accepting it. We talked about the boundaries that I've been setting over the years for myself and what I will accept. We talked about the people who have bashed into those boundaries and how I reacted. I didn't react in anger or with force. Instead I looked at the situation, called it what it was, asked myself what I needed to do to clean things up and flipped the script. It's amusing how off balance every one gets when you flip the script on them.

There's nothing better than that moment in a woman's life when she realizes, "I don't have to wait for you to make a decision. I'm making this decision and I'm moving forward with that."
The full moon eclipse energy was filled with turmoil and chaos and confusion and I weaved my way through it feeling like I was dragging sacks of something heavy behind me but I had no choice but to get through it.

I felt so light hearted on my Good Friday, listening to music, singing like I was giving a concert and thinking about my 3 Bees in Australia and smiling. And I was purging. Yes I'm back to my purging with a renewed energy. I've decided I want to leave Toronto for good. I don't know how long that will take or how I'm going to approach it but like planning for Australia, I just need to focus on one project at a time. Ultimately I'd like to land in Australia.

Of course Toronto will start to be kinder to me now, right(?), now that I've decided it's time to go. I was never supposed to stay here as long as I have. I think what stopped me was that I always thought I'd have a companion to make the move with.

The hardest part about being back from Australia is I'm not able to gloss over what's missing in my life anymore. My friends are so spread out and busy with their lives and families. The 'man' I was supposed to find isn't here. And the question that keeps coming up is, 'if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, do I want to be alone here?' Um, nope. I can be alone somewhere warm.

My skin was so beautiful in Australia. I've never seen myself look that dark in my whole life and I loved it. It's so funny and ironic how we grow up with all these issues about our colour and how lighter skinned relatives receive better treatment than the darker ones and I discover how much more I love looking at myself in the mirror when I'm dark. Dark Dark!

So I went to church today. Because I want major changes in my life and I want to ground myself in all this energy and stay fully present in the realization of my own power as a woman. I wrote in my journal before I left for church this morning, "I know what it's like to live my life not having what I want." Going to church was the beginning of the prayers to help me to live a life having what I want.

EY

Cycles and Patterns - The Cycles of Years

It was last year that Christine Delorey (creativenumerology.com) mentioned going over my previous personal years and writing down all the events I could remember. I took her advice as just, “Oh that’ll be fun and interesting,” not realizing how informative it would really be. I went back into the 1990’s and made notes. This year I’ve been going back further, all the way to my birth. And by the way, if you were ever considering writing your memoirs, this will be a perfect undertaking.


This year, I’m in a personal 9 Year. I’ve taken her advice a step further and I cut and pasted all my previous 9 years into this year’s notes to see at a quick glance what I can learn from the past that will help me today.
Early on, I seemed to sense what the themes would be or maybe what my focus would be for this year. This year for me, is about clearing out the past – and as I’ve discovered through looking at my previous 9 years – Trusting in the Universe.


In looking back at my previous 9 years, I kept it simple. I asked, What have I done in previous 9 years and I listed all that I can remember.


In previous 9 years, I have had major changes that were originally painful but I was happy with the change in the end. I’ve dated disappointing men - a theme of them who all virtually said the same thing either in actual words or with actions (in 1985, 1994, and 2003!)and they all showed up when I was at my happiest (when I felt good about myself) and they wiped it out! When they were done I’d lost some of my light and it felt like a struggle to get it back.

In 2003 My new male theme was to meet men who were taken but only said so after I started to show interest in them after they’d been trying to get my attention. I’ve met at least one per year (every year) since then.


I realized a lifelong goal in one 9 year (1994).


I had a note in my personal manual that says “Remember 2003 when I left my job and trusted that the money would appear and it did!”


I’ve left major jobs that everyone said I was crazy for leaving (1994, 2003). In 2003, not only did I leave a major job that everyone said I was crazy for leaving but I decided not to look for work. I decided that for once in my life, I was going to Trust the Universe without fear, that the universe would provide for me. And it did. I was out of work most of the year, I lived off my savings, worked one shift a week at my part-time job, and I took a course that was $2500, (a lot of money when you don’t have a job!), and other money appeared. And when I thought that I would need to work soon because I was going to need money for rent, my old boss called me and said, “Hey, you want to come back for a 1 year contract?” I was working a week later. That information is so important for me to know. To help me to relax, because I forgot about that time in the new cycle of personal years running from personal year 1 to this year, my personal year 9.


Teaching in my 9 year what I learned in my previous 9 years:


Also I’ve been telling friends this. Artists who have spoken to me about their sadness for a good thing ending (a great show with great cast and relationships or a full-time music playing gig coming to an end) I’ve told them, ‘You created this good so create more of it.”


A friend who has been looking for an apartment and was in the stressful zone, I said, “write down the qualities of what you want in your new apartment and let the Universe take care of it.” Last report, she told me that her current landlord has given her more time to look for a new place and the places she has been looking at have been more within her interest and what she can afford.


Another friend I was telling about paying off my credit card and how I wrote down as a goal that I would pay it off by June 2012. That I had no way of knowing how it would be paid but just to trust that the Universe would help me, guide me to getting it paid. And it was paid before June 2012.


In 2003, I started that cycle of trust but somewhere along the line I lost my way. That’s why I have a document that I call my Manual of Me where I keep track of stuff. It’s so easy to get off track, to get distracted.


Trust in The Universe
In this personal 9 year, I want to go back to living in that Trust that continues on in each new personal year and not just in Personal 9 years. That is my new goal, I know it works.
EY