18 May 2006


Thursday 18May06 6:56pm
It's interesting how stuff from my childhood can just crop up out of
nowhere. Sometimes the same shit crops up over and over.

Today the guys were teasing me that the boss was going to order lunch
for every one tomorrow, my day off. It's happened three times already.
Three times that lunch was ordered on my vacation day. I try not to get
upset about it but it bugs the shit out of me. Why is it that he
chooses those days as if it's some sort of punishment for me taking
days off that I'm rightfully entitled to? It's not that I need to have
the food anyway. I need to lose weight. Most of the time it's junk like
Pizza or Veal sandwiches. But it still hurts to be left out.

I think back to my mom. I think back to the days when I had to
understand why she put my step sisters needs ahead of mine. She said
she didn't want them to feel like they were missing out on anything
because I lived with their father and they didn't. It was no picnic
living with their father. I tried to understand but something deep
inside of me told me that my mother should want to put me first. She
never really did.

I can remember offering to buy my step sister a treat when she
inadvertently told me that my mom had given her extra money, over and
above her allowance from her father. It turned out that she had way
more money than I had and she was at least four years younger than me.
I was pissed and hurt and felt somehow that even my mother thought I
was somehow inferior or undeserving.

At my part - time job I watched for 2 years how my boss, who was one of
my best friends, bought a birthday cake for each staff member and then
just before my birthday she announced to me that she was no longer
buying birthday cakes because no one appreciated it. Two years in a
She bought cake for people she said she hated and couldn't fork out a
little more for my birthday. It just reminded me of being a kid.

I wonder how old we get before we stop being haunted by our childhood.
Is there ever a time when you look at an incident as just the incident
and not as a series of repeated stories? Who really knows.

How do I contend with feeling like I'm always the one left out? Friends
that come into town but forget to call me. Work situations where the
treat is divvied out when I'm not around.

Or better yet, when will I stop caring?

It feels like I'm continually chasing after being included. I think I'm
viewed with some sort of respect and admiration and then I live a
repeat of some childhood shit. Dammit I'm an outsider, I get that, but
sometimes can't the people closest to me just give me a fucking break?


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