Friday 9:46pm 5Jan07
There's an affirmation that I know I have written somewhere but can't find it right now. But basically it alludes to us being in the right place right now. Whatever situations we are in are perfect for what we need to do, for the dreams we plan to realize, for the lessons we need to learn.
I'm really feeling that this evening. It's Friday and normally I'd be in bed by now after a week of work I'm normally wiped. The whole thing of being around so many people and being on all the time usually wears me out by Friday. Like an old girl I'm conked out before 10pm.
I've been focusing on three things as of late. I've been working towards writing 21 hours a week. I've been getting up everyday as close to 4am as much as possible (it's been more around 4:30am which isn't too shabby in the grand scheme of goals) and I've been working on pushing my daily walking from 10,000 steps a day to 15,000 steps. I'm hitting about 14,000 steps most days and more on others.
The results this week have been taking form. Moving me in the forward direction. I've been writing at least 1.5 hours a day with a couple days hitting 2.5 hours (I'm still trying to get to 3 hours a day). I've been getting up at 4:30am basically because I don't always hear my alarm at 4am but always hear my stereo at 4:30am. And with the walking, I've been either leaving a half hour earlier before work or walking longer after work before I come home.
My 4:30am rise does such a great thing for my state of mind. I'm focusing on my goals first and foremost. Making my dreams a priority before I set out for a day of work (realizing other peoples goals) keeps me in good stead to make it through the inevitable frustrations of the day. Pushing myself to write every single day helps me to prove to myself that I'm serious about realizing my goals.
It's funny, I've only told a couple people about my writing goal and one person made a comment, "Wow, That's an ambitious goal," in that tone of voice. Yeah Skippy, it's an ambitious goal and I'm not getting younger as the years pass by. Oh and neither are you, or hadn't you noticed? And the walking is to give my lazy ass the energy to work on that 'ambitious goal' combined with making it through each work day.
Back to that comment about being in the right place right now and all that... I've been thinking about the men (boys?) that were in my life that I had to wipe completely out of my life. Their confusion causing behaviours were too time consuming for one and I discovered that there is a reason for me being single right now. I need all the time I can fit in to the work on my goals and a confusing man just takes my focus away from that.
If a man can't just show his interest without a lot of game playing and strange bullshit, he's not interested enough and at no time will that relationship change, it will only get worse. You can justify anyone's bad behaviour but you'll still keep getting bad behaviour. Bottom line. They were cute, but they weren't Gods. 6'5" built like a brick shit house, now that's a God! If I'm going to have my time consumed, let it be with a God! Here here!
I'm 42 years old soon to be 43. I don't know if I'm going to live for another year or if I'll live into my 80's or if I'll make it to a hundred with all my mental faculties in tact (touch wood). I've really hit my wall of mortality and there are things I want to do with my life before I die. And I'm not interested in sharing that time with people who only want to talk about themselves or tell me about their projects but have no genuine interest in mine except to find an opportunity to criticize me. Or ask me how I am and in the midst of telling them they cut me off because they are reminded about some more information about themselves. My ears are closed to you. I've got bigger and better things on the front and back burners.
I've been the go to girl for my whole life and all it's done was to let my life slip by while others ran off and lived theirs only to come running back when in crisis. If you're in crisis, go see a therapist. They're paid to listen. They're professionals. They do it during business hours. IT IS NOT MY JOB TO HEAL THE FUCKING WORLD! It's not my job.
I'm finally getting it. I've finally realized how much better I feel by putting myself first in my life. If I have anything healing to say, it's to tell you to go and put yourself first in your life.
And for my little friend who hasn't found a new job yet, but will soon, and reads me daily (have I told you I love you?) just remember that you too are in the right place right now, we all are. What do you need to do while you're in this place, if there is a purpose for you being here? I ask only because I want you to feel better in your moment of feeling stuck.