Wednesday 5:34am 30Apr08
It's hard to take quiet time for myself. I always think that there is something better that I should be doing, like writing or cleaning the apartment or having more of a social life or something, anything. But as I move into the second or third week of this I'm seeing the definite benefits.
I'm finding a peace within that I don't think I've ever had before. Heck, I know I never had it. The biggest change I notice is that when I get ticked off I don't seem to hold on to it for hours on end. I have my moment and then move on just as quickly. I've started this growl that makes my co worker laugh to no end. Whenever I get on a good rant and catch myself doing it, I stop the rant and growl like a dog. Ado and I have named it doing the growl since he too has started doing the same thing when he gets into a particularly strong rant. Apparently he's got his wife doing it too now. Too cute!
But back to the anger. I used to set myself up with getting pissed off about something and thinking or naming it as a bad day. "Oh this is going to be a GREAT day!" I'd say, with that attitude. Now I recognize that it isn't the day, it's just a moment and they all pass. Call it and move on. Talk show host, one of the guys I work with, likes to push people's buttons to the extent where they get so worked up they can't let go. He used to pull that shit on me and although I'm happy to say that it's been about a year since I cured that, I still get to watch him do that with the others. But my major amusement with him is when he tries to check and see if he can catch me with it and I show him once again that no, I'm cured!
With my biweekly Shiastsu treatments I keep listening to what my aching body is telling me. I can't keep going the way I was going without being in constant pain. My body keeps telling me that even though I feel young at heart my age is creeping up there and I just can't sit for 12 hours at a time without a break, working myself to the max. I've got to get wiser with how I focus my energies. If I hold my stubbornness in my neck then what the heck else do I hold in my body? Where do I hold my anger and frustrations? I read somewhere that arthritis is frustration. Don't know if it's true but it's definitely something to think about.
The last several years with the changes I've made about the type of people I allow into my life, I realize that I was teaching myself to say no. Ah the lovely word NO! So many women don't know how to say no. I've learned how to say no to those guilt trippy requests that people will put on you. I've learned how to say no to people who want to monopolize my attention but don't want to reciprocate with the listening part. I've learned how to say no to all sorts of stuff and yes to my sanity. It's amazing that there is still something else to work on. But with the creeping age, I'm getting more comfortable with that too. As long as we're alive, there's something to work on and it's good to be alive, right?
I've been listening to Cheryl Richardson's, "Create an Abundant Life" CD from my Simply Audio Book monthly rental. One of the things she says is, "A high quality life has a lot more to do with what you remove from your life than what you add to it."
Hmm, somehow it motivated me to go through my kitchen and purge the clutter. Why does one person need 50 coffee mugs? Yikes! It's not like I'll ever have 49 guests. If leaving the country is a possibility for me, I need to get rid of a lot of stuff. But in the meantime, if I want to make room for the good that life has to offer, it's time to get rid of all the stuff that I've been holding on to that I haven't touched in years and takes up a whole lot of space. Boy oh boy, those bags of garbage and recycling and stuff left for others to pick through added some serious breathing space in my kitchen. I've got more to do in the rest of the apartment and I'm actually looking forward to it. For the first time in at least a couple years, I can see the surface of my kitchen table. Not that I ever eat in the kitchen but I could now. What a concept.
It's funny how having a lot of stuff always seemed like such a great thing and now I'm getting how it's just bogging me down. Once I get through all the papers and things I figure I'll have the guts to go through my massive collection of books and let go of the ones I know I'll never read again. And at the very least, reorganize them. One step away from a life of pack rat insanity.