Fears

I keep wanting to write about fears but I feel like I have a whole long and dragged out story that has to go along with it. And I don't want to discuss the story here. It's too personal.

It's funny how we get so used to running our lives a certain way that we don't realize that there are certain feelings we've learned how to block. Of course they're not really blocked, they just manifest in certain behaviours. Like the survival behaviours.

I've been saying that April was a month of anxiety but that's not entirely true. It was actually a month of discovering that I was in fear mode and what my racket was, how I react when I am in fear mode. I was anxious, no doubt and my breathing was that adrenalized breathing, fast and panicky. I was doing everything to get off that roller coaster of feeling embarrassed for hoping and having the upper hand in the situation. Oh and I assumed I knew what was going on. I knew the story, this is why you are doing this and saying that and well, I have to win at all costs.

So I'm anxious, embarrassed, feeling like I'm being laughed at and thinking that I know the full story. And I'm reacting and I'm not breathing. That's a disaster waiting to happen.

Breathe. Thank God I journal because everything I know about taking care of myself went out the window.
Breathe. I wanted to flee the scene, never to be heard from again.
But I couldn't escape. Holy cow, what kind of a Girlfish am I when I can't swim away from my troubles?
Breathe. All is well in my world.
BREATHE. Oh My God, this feeling is fear. What am I scared of? Shoot, I'm scared of not getting want I want and even worse I'm scared of getting what I want. And this feeling is fear?

I'm so fascinated by what we bring along with us from childhood. There is so much that I've healed and I'm proud of that. I've worked hard. But it surprises me still how deep it goes. And now my work, my healing, my focus gets into feelings. Growing up with violence doesn't allow for feelings. You can't get emotional when the father figure comes home ready to beat up the people who love him. You have to be ready to react. You have to be focused on the sliver of an opportunity. And believe me, it's a sliver.

I was five years old and I was trained to wake up at the first sign of his violence. I was trained to get dressed in the dark and be ready for when my brother or mother would open my bedroom door, turn on the light and say, "Come on , let's go."
It was usually while he was having a pee so truly a sliver of opportunity. I didn't cry. I didn't have emotions. I wasn't a baby. I couldn't afford to be a baby. I was trained.

I've held on to that training for 45 years because that was all I knew.
In an ironic twist, I think I've healed enough and feel safe enough to actually feel. Safe and fear. Safe with fear?

So you're fear? Take a seat and let me get to know you. How do I look at you face to face? Breathe? Breathe.

As I retell the story of April in my mind I constantly tell myself, I was scared. If I'm going to move forward I need to actually know how to identify what I am feeling. I know anger oh so well. Anger and I have walked hand in hand, it's in that invisible knapsack of weapons I carry on my left shoulder. It sits snugly beside the dagger eyes I've been known to use.

Fear. Can't say I like you but I'm sure glad to know that I know you.

EY

Invitations

Thursday 8May14 6:16pm

I've been working on putting some of this Human Design information into practice to test out how it all pertains to me. And it can't hurt that's for sure.

I'm finding out interesting information about myself. My type of course is a 'Projector' and my strategy for success is to 'wait for an invitation.'

It's ironic that my strategy is to wait for an invitation because I perfected waiting when I was a child simply because I was always told, "you have to wait: Until I say so, until I'm good and ready, until we have the money, until the sisters get comfortable, until until until..." I perfected waiting but I promised myself that when I grew up I wouldn't have to wait for anything anymore. I did some waiting but I didn't always wait and I suppose it has put me in some sticky situations. So now I'm being guided to wait. Impatient one that I've allowed myself to become.

I've gone to church three weeks in a row to pray for patience amongst other things. ha ha! And this past Saturday I woke to an email from a work acquaintance asking me if I would be interested in meeting for a coffee to discuss possibly working together on a business opportunity. The part of the invitation that made my heart swell was that he said that he's always enjoyed working with me at my part time job because I am friendly, fun to chat with and am a hard worker. I met up with him and we discussed this business opportunity and I left with samples of this product. I was really enthusiastic at first.

A few things came up as I thought about that invitation:
I was enthusiatic, as I said, but I questioned why was I enthusiastic? Was it simply because I'm looking for an escape from the same old same old and I think this is my fastest way to escape? Do I really believe I can get rich quick with this? Oh wait do I even like doing this? One of the things that I promised myself about a year or so ago is that I would stop looking for a job and instead I would create a life. Because the job to job and chasing money hasn't worked for me. Yes I get paid well enough, obviously, I went to Australia. But I wasn't going to jump from what I'm in now into the same old shit just for the sake of moving on.

The invitation was so bang on in recognizing me was it clouding my judgement? I have to laugh because as I've been contemplating everything I even said out loud, "No body would ever expect me to sell makeup or skin care products." I don't wear makeup and I wash my face with Johnson's baby wash and Witch Hazel. I don't have an elaborate cleaning regime. So how am I going to 'sell' when everyone who knows me knows I don't give a crap about that stuff? Can you see the winds changing my enthusiasm with a dose of grounded reality?

And Time! How much time will this take away from what I really do love? As I practiced every thing in my mind, I saw that this was more of a committment than I was willing to make. It won't help me to live more of what I want to live, more time to write and travel. It will have me focused on building a salesforce and clients and well, that's not my thing. How would I feel about this, all this time that I would have to commit to something that doesn't make my heart sing? Well we all know the answer to that, right?

And the final big thing about accepting invitations or not, is that desperate fear that no other invitations will be coming so if I say no to this have I shot myself? Can I afford to turn down this invitation when I am so clearly recognized for who I am? I added a little research to back up my decision, just so I knew that even though I didn't feel this was the right invitation for me, that I put in some sort of effort. I mentioned it to a co-worker at my day job and she told me that her friend in Calgary is doing this same thing and she loves it, LOVES it. She has a facebook page and she sends all her friends all sorts of invitations and has parties... "Yeah, no I don't sell to my friends, so that would never be an option for me."

I spoke to my co-worker at my part-time job about it, he frowned and said, "I told you about this, that's what Liz is selling!" Oh shoot I remember that, it's that? Oh shoot! And he left me with his final words of wisdom, "I'm not trying to stomp on your ideas if this is what you want to do but basically 'product name' should be called how to end your friendships." Then he told me to ask my Armenian brother about it, who I was meeting with the next night. My Armenian brother frowned immediately when I asked him. Okay, that's all I need to know. LOL

So it's interesting. It reminds me that what I said in a previous blog entry was to wait for the gold and not jump for the glitter. Monday night when I was hearing about this opportunity I kept asking myself, 'is this the glitter or the gold?'

I'm glad that it will be a week before I meet up with this business opportunity person again although I'm ready now to give an informed no. It was good to take this opportunity to use these techniques that are recommended in the Human Design: Wait for an invitation; allow the emotional wave of my feelings to calm down so I can feel my feelings alongside my intuition and asking people I trust for advice. And of course questioning my motives for considering this as a yes which is my tendency towards escaping. I can say yes to anything just so long as i can escape.

On the day job front I've noticed that since I've stopped volunteering information on deaf ears and wait until I'm asked, that my work life has been calmer and less frustrating.

I bought a reading for a co-worker who was promoted to another building so I'm looking forward to see if the Human Design has as much of a profound affect on her as it is having on me.

I was going to talk about men in this entry but alas this was a long entry. LOL

EY

P.S. I didn't want to mention the business name because it's not about the business it's about the invitation. Plus I don't want to insult anyone who might do this, love this, thrive on this business...