Fears

I keep wanting to write about fears but I feel like I have a whole long and dragged out story that has to go along with it. And I don't want to discuss the story here. It's too personal.

It's funny how we get so used to running our lives a certain way that we don't realize that there are certain feelings we've learned how to block. Of course they're not really blocked, they just manifest in certain behaviours. Like the survival behaviours.

I've been saying that April was a month of anxiety but that's not entirely true. It was actually a month of discovering that I was in fear mode and what my racket was, how I react when I am in fear mode. I was anxious, no doubt and my breathing was that adrenalized breathing, fast and panicky. I was doing everything to get off that roller coaster of feeling embarrassed for hoping and having the upper hand in the situation. Oh and I assumed I knew what was going on. I knew the story, this is why you are doing this and saying that and well, I have to win at all costs.

So I'm anxious, embarrassed, feeling like I'm being laughed at and thinking that I know the full story. And I'm reacting and I'm not breathing. That's a disaster waiting to happen.

Breathe. Thank God I journal because everything I know about taking care of myself went out the window.
Breathe. I wanted to flee the scene, never to be heard from again.
But I couldn't escape. Holy cow, what kind of a Girlfish am I when I can't swim away from my troubles?
Breathe. All is well in my world.
BREATHE. Oh My God, this feeling is fear. What am I scared of? Shoot, I'm scared of not getting want I want and even worse I'm scared of getting what I want. And this feeling is fear?

I'm so fascinated by what we bring along with us from childhood. There is so much that I've healed and I'm proud of that. I've worked hard. But it surprises me still how deep it goes. And now my work, my healing, my focus gets into feelings. Growing up with violence doesn't allow for feelings. You can't get emotional when the father figure comes home ready to beat up the people who love him. You have to be ready to react. You have to be focused on the sliver of an opportunity. And believe me, it's a sliver.

I was five years old and I was trained to wake up at the first sign of his violence. I was trained to get dressed in the dark and be ready for when my brother or mother would open my bedroom door, turn on the light and say, "Come on , let's go."
It was usually while he was having a pee so truly a sliver of opportunity. I didn't cry. I didn't have emotions. I wasn't a baby. I couldn't afford to be a baby. I was trained.

I've held on to that training for 45 years because that was all I knew.
In an ironic twist, I think I've healed enough and feel safe enough to actually feel. Safe and fear. Safe with fear?

So you're fear? Take a seat and let me get to know you. How do I look at you face to face? Breathe? Breathe.

As I retell the story of April in my mind I constantly tell myself, I was scared. If I'm going to move forward I need to actually know how to identify what I am feeling. I know anger oh so well. Anger and I have walked hand in hand, it's in that invisible knapsack of weapons I carry on my left shoulder. It sits snugly beside the dagger eyes I've been known to use.

Fear. Can't say I like you but I'm sure glad to know that I know you.

EY

Personal 2 Years past; The New Moon and Human Design

Wednesday 8:05pm 30April14

I was going to have a nap on the weekend and had the television turned on to Much More Music, Thank God they play music videos again. I'm lying in bed just about to drop off to snoozeland and I hear this beautiful voice. He made me sit up, put my glasses back on so I could read the TV to find out who he was. So I've been killing Sam Smith's song, Stay with me. I don't hear new music in any big way anymore because I don't have a radio. I don't do the same kind of music research that I did as a kid. If I hear a song I like in a movie, I'll wait for the credits to find out what it's called and who sings it. But that's about it.

I love the melancholy feel to it. I love to sit and listen to a song on repeat for hours sometimes days. Sometimes I'll get to the 4th play of the same song and it will make me cry. I'm re-framing calling myself someone who suffers from depression to me being a melancholy person. One of the gates in my Human Design chart points out that I have high highs and low lows. In one of the reports it says that I shouldn't call my melancholy feelings depression. That I should use those feelings to work on my art. Hmm! What a thought.

Depression means crawling into bed and hiding from the world and possibly medication if my doctor has any say in the matter. Which he never did. But looking at my cycles as melancholy and using that to go deep and be creative. I really like that idea and change of focus.

I got my Numerology personal profile from Christine Delorey that I've begun wading through and it's reminded me of all that work I did going back over my previous personal years and recording certain events.

So yesterday I looked over my previous personal 2 years. I don't have much written for 1987 but 1996 had some interesting tidbits. In 1996 I met my My friend Bee from Australia when he was performing here in Toronto. During that time he said when he went back to Australia to settle that he wanted me to come and visit. And this year in my personal 2 year I went to visit him in his home in Australia. In 1996 I was seeing 'Bryan' who I mentioned in my previous post. It becomes even more ironic that I told that anecdote to my friend and linked it to this current guy now finding out that they are both in my personal 2 year. The lessons that repeat and repeat until we learn them!

In 1996 a relative who never recognized me came to visit me after the death of his wife and fully recognized me. I left working with children (which had been a lifetime dream) because I didn't feel my work was appreciated (from the co-workers and supervisors stand point) and moved into working in the performing arts where I met Bee from Australia. I had some financial problems from that transition and used the Creating Money book (by Sanaya Roman) and ended earning more money than I'd ever prior to that. By the time my mom passed away in 1996 at least my finances were in order because I was rolling into 1997 an emotional mess

In 2005 I left working for the life coach and went back to the Performing arts centre full time. But this time around I didn't speak for the entire month. I wasn't happy being there full-time and I just went to work and did my work but I didn't really participate socially. I met Caroline O'Connor, while I worked there, and she gave me a pep talk to end all pep talks, she inspired me and showed me artistic love. I had been feeling so disheartened by the lack of appreciation for my work and unsure of a direction. The next month, I got back to my current day job, this time permanent full-time after having worked it on contract twice for two maternity leaves.

So it seems part of the focus for me in a 2 year is finances, I made a budget for this new moon.
Bryan type men with the games and manipulations
Leaving places and people where I don't feel appreciated
The book Creating Money
And lifetime dreams.

April Kent talks about the Taurus New Moon Cycle. It was Tuesday April 29th. You still have time to make your new moon goals.

She says, "Pay attention to your feelings and interactions about money, property, your body; they are reminding you of the need to enjoy, reuse, and take care of the things you own....You need to slow down just now and take stock of where you're at"

In April Kent's report she tells you what to initiate : The waxing phases of the Taurus New Moon (up to the full moon) cycle are a good time to launch projects or set intentions related to:
1 - Financial Security
2 - Taking care of what you own and
3 - Enjoying your life more.

Happy New Moon!

EY

What's Good About This?

Wednesday 6:42pm 30April14

I'm happy to see the end of this April let me tell you. It has been EXHAUSTING! I have climbed into bed more times before 8pm then ever. But in the light of the New Moon I'm starting to feel human again and look at the positives in all the shenanigans.

It amazes me how one man can enter my life and truly make me swoon like a teenager and then ruin everything.
That's the problem with games. A man might think that he's got some sense of control or he can prove something to himself with that attitude of I'll show her I like her and then I'll never show up when I say I'm going to. She'll be putty in my hands. Yes the fake bad boy persona works well indeed, on 20 year olds. I think he forgot I am 50.

20 year olds don't always know that that feeling he's giving you isn't excitement, it's anxiety.
20 year olds don't always realize that there has to be action behind those words no matter how nice the words may sound. They do nothing if there is no consistent action to prove the words true.

The problem with games, when you play games with me, is that when I reach that moment where I say out loud to myself, "Oh he's really not interested in me," it's game over. I move into face saving mode, I do one action or I say a comment that makes it clear, "I don't think of you as boyfriend material, you've been set free." And then I expect him to go away. He didn't go away.

Man oh man, my male confidants were telling me to expect him to ask me out because now he's wondering why you're not interested in him and all I kept saying was, "but how do I get rid of him?" You move into this weird limbo of maybe this guy can be a good guy once he realizes that I don't play the games. Or maybe this guy will just give up the posturing and just talk to me like we are two normal humans. Or maybe I don't know, anything but this. Because this person felt so big in my life I felt a little stuck with wondering when things might change for the better. The optimist in me. But as I picked that hypothesis apart in my journal, I finally wrote down "he really felt like he could totally be a good guy if he just got the proper focus and stopped with the games and bullshit. Oh wait, right, if he were ANOTHER person!" ha-ha!

The big thing for me is how to pull myself out of these things without walking away bitter or angry or ready to punch someone in the stomach.

It's interesting though because I was telling an anecdote about an old boyfriend, Bryan. He wanted things from me that I wasn't willing to give him and because he didn't like that my answer was no, he tried every way to beat up my self esteem instead of simply leaving. I kept saying to him, "clearly I'm not the woman for you, why do you keep coming back? Why do you keep calling? Why won't you let me be?"

This similar thing was happening. This new guy would blurt out some inappropriate story that he just had to tell me. That had nothing to do with our pleasant conversation. It was like he was trying to tell me repeatedly that he's not interested in me, when he only had to tell me once. It was like he couldn't stay away from me just like Bryan, like he was courting me or trying to get my attention with insults. It was unsettling.

So I had to finally punch him in the stomach. Not with my fist, of course, but with a comment that essentially said, "if you can't be a likeable guy I can't even talk to you, anymore." Only what I said was harsher and really pinpointed how childish his behaviour is for a man who expects to be looked at treated like he's a man.

I realize that I can often compartmentalize what people do as not affecting me but I'm not willing to do that anymore. I'm not interested in interacting with men I know treat women poorly. Or as my friend James would say, like port-o-potties. I'm over justifying people who say I'm going to do this for you, probably mean it at the time, but never follow through. And it all comes back to the Human Design chart and the readings about half-assed, last minute invitations and half-assed people. It's a waste of my time and energy. I like that in one of my readings it says, "don't waste your time on the glitter, the gold is just around the corner."

When normally at this point I would have given up I've actually said to myself over the last couple days, "I'm waiting for the Gold."

So there we go, I'm waiting for the gold trusting it's on its way.

Now that's a new moon intention if there ever was one!
EY

Personal 2 Year and the Cardinal Cross

Thursday 24April14 5:13pm

This is looking to be a very eventful Personal 2 year.
My subjects to focus on seem to be men and siblings. ha-ha! Nothing small for me, ever.
Actually I feel like everything is coming up.

The men thing has been fascinating and as I go through what I go through I find I've moved in to this really calm space and I'm starting to study them. Peculiar creatures men are. The divorced men who feel like they missed out on something and have all this catching up to do and they go into deceptive game playing. The con men who want to see what they can get. The men who have decided they want their forever woman and well, you'll do. It's fascinating out there folks. The Cardinal Cross and the lunar and solar eclipses have been sending me male chaos left, right and centre and up and down. One good change is at least none of the men have been Capricorn! ha-ha If you ever read my blog in past years (which is only 1 person) you know about my Capricorn condition and how I hoped, wished, prayed never to meet another Capricorn interest ever again.

The sibling thing for me has been about the weird jealousies and competition or full support. There's been no in between. I guess a lot of people want to feel like they are not the loser in the room, but we're all losers at some point. Watch the Olympics, not every one walks away with a medal. It can be hard when you realize that some people want you to always be the loser and they get downright pissed off when you're not.

I don't know. Nelson Mandela's death had a big impact on me or maybe it's the realization of his life and his life's work. I keep trying to dive into the concept of being imprisoned for so many years and coming out of it peaceful. What kind of inner work would you have to do? What kind of thoughts would you have to have in order to let go of all of your anger and feelings of victimization and be of peace? I watched a show on CNN or 60 minutes fairly recently about a man who was fasley imprisoned for 25 years for his wife's murder. And in his own Mandela way, the man was very gentle when he spoke and he smiled a lot and he was at peace. Everything he talked about affirmed what I'd journaled about Nelson Mandela. The man said that you remember every conversation you've ever had. Every cross word. Every terrible thing you've ever done and anyone has ever done to you. And you find a way to heal it all because all you have is time. And you realize God in everything. That God is love and love is peace. And this coming from a man who didn't get to see his son grow up but did get to meet his grand daughter.

I've had an idea in my head that isn't fully formulated yet. But I think we all live a 20 to 25 year bit of a prison sentence even if we aren't in a physical prison. I think we all rush to an extent for these things, experiences, something that we think we want because that's how it's done or because I'm not going to do it the way they did it. I think we live imprisoned by expectations and feelings that we've missed out on something and how we get through that period either drives us a little crazy or brings us to peace. I'm working on finding my peace from my 25 years of imprisonment.

I've already lived a lifetime dream in my Personal 2 Year of going to Australia after wanting to go since I was 5 years old. The possibilities for my life are still swirling around in my head since I've returned. I've already said that leaving Toronto is more than a strong possibility and there are so many other questions I am asking myself of the possibilities that I want to realize.

Having the Human Design chart done has made me feel like it has actually set the tone for Act 2 of my life. I'm starting to look back at my relationships with a new light. The times I was invited to share my wisdom. This morning as I walked to work listening to my I-Pod I had the memory that is probably the best depiction of a Projector, for me anyway. It was the day my mother realized that I knew how to find good music in Montreal. I would flip through records at the record store and pull out the ones I thought she should buy. When she did buy what I suggested and played the music she'd look at me like I was a savant. How the heck does this kid know how to find music in Montreal?
If you know anything about Montreal in the 1970's, it wasn't an easy feat to find good black music because there wasn't that much played on the radio stations. They played the famous black singers like Stevie Wonder and Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye but if they weren't big they weren't played.

As a good Projector, waiting to be noticed and invited, I used my time wisely. I read every album cover of every record my mother owned. So I knew who wrote songs, who produced albums, who the musicians were and if I saw enough of the same names on any other album in the record store I would tell my mother to buy it. I had such a good memory for that kind of stuff that even when I moved to Toronto as an adult my mother would call me to ask me "what album is such and such song on." Oh that's on the album where the singer is wearing the purple leather suit. ha-ha!

So yes the stuff about the Human Design probably doesn't make a lot of sense in this blog but all I have to really say is that if you have young children it is wise to get their chart done because it could really make a huge difference in knowing how to treat them, react to them etc. I'm hoping to write more about Human Design as I find out more. I just received Karen Curry's book Understanding Human Design and it looks like it was a good choice from flipping through it.

Oh and I got a reading from Debra Jones. It was a printed document of about 27 pages that takes her about 4 weeks to do. She charges $80 for this document. I'm still wading through it and having a whole set of AHA moments.

EY

Dreams Coming True

I got my first passport last year. I've never had a passport before. I've never done any world travelling, although it has always been in the back of my mind. It was just never a consideration for many years, for many reasons. Financial being one of them.

Of course as life would have it, the moment I received my passport my friend who lives in Bermuda told me that she had a friend who was going on vacation for 10 days and needed someone to housesit. Someone who likes cats and I was the first person she thought of. Yes I jumped at the chance to go and it really was a little paradise. Talk about lighting a writer's imagination on fire about moving to an island and writing for the rest of her days. At the very least, I'd like Bermuda to be one of my regular destinations.

The main motivation that got me off my backside and going through the challenges of getting a passport (didn't have a proper birth certificate nor photo id) was my Aussie chum who invited me to come and visit him in Australia. Really it's all the motivation anyone needs. I simply couldn't be the person who passed up this chance. Plus Australia has always been a dream long before I met my buddy. I bought my ticket back in May 2013 and I leave this Wednesday evening.

This morning while I got ready for work in the middle of the shower I exclaimed out loud, "OH MY GOD, I'm going to AUSTRALIA!" ha-ha! Better in the shower than on my walk to work.

At work, I emailed a girlfriend to say that I was so distracted that I kept forgetting what work I was working on. "I'm going to Australia and a Boy called... THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!"

And so there is so much going on in my head and my emotions. I'm trying to learn how to live with happiness. Can you believe that? I realize I'm never shy in anger and I'm used to dealing with the bad things or hard things in life. But the good? How do I move into that reality with comfort and keep it?

It's been an interesting few months because there are these parallel attentions that are so clear cut. There have been the work issues and frustrations, as usual, and there is this good stuff, really good stuff that is happening. It's like I'm skate boarding in traffic and I've got to pick a lane quick. I veer into the lane of frustrations and have to catch myself and remind myself that , "no Shelley, all this other stuff is happening that is wonderful beyond your imagination, put your thoughts back over here and let go of obsessing on that crap."

It's interesting to find this out about myself. I can honestly say that I've worked on getting myself to this current place for at least the last 6 years. And now I'm here and I'm still scared that I could jinx it.

I love Louise Hay's affirmation, "All is well in my world," and I've been saying it as much as possible everyday. I slow my mind down and slow my breath down and remind myself, All is well in my world.

For the first time ever, I feel like my life is making sense. Being at my current job makes sense. Living with my cats and planning my own life with my own beliefs and rituals makes sense. Healing all that I've needed to heal makes sense.

And as always, in keeping with my themes, this year's theme is Love. Actually I BELIEVE it's the theme for this year and beyond.

I love when the writer Nancy Huston talked about people who are single for a fair amount of time, she asked, "where does the love go?"
"It doesn't mean that they don't have any love in their lives or they don't give any love. It's just not seen in the traditional ways."

I love that thought because for all the jokes that people have made about me loving cats or ending up being an old lady living with 30 cats, that's one of the places that I put my love. I love animals. I've loved animals since I was a kid. I will never be embarrassed for loving animals.

I love my friends. I make it as easy as possible for particular friends to say yes to spending time with me. Whether it's taking the subway to their part of the city or going to Australia, that's where I put my love.

I love to write and I've got to find what ways work for me to put my love into my writing. And it may not even have to be being published in the traditional way.

I see the purpose that my job serves, aside from being an arts subsidy (ha-ha!) And there are a lot of aspects that I love about it but if I'm going to be there I've got to commit in different ways. My company has companies around the world. If there was ever a thought of living somewhere else this is the work that could get me there.

And I've met this adorable man. A sweet, gentle guy. And it feels really, really good. And who knows where this is going? And that's an excruciatingly wonderful feeling. You know, the wait is excruciating and the contact makes me grin, right?

And this is my life, that is making sense to me. The wonderful things and people of my choosing and a couple of things (my job and writing) that need to be re-worked. That's life too.

I'm getting to travel and my next big plan to save for is to go to an elephant sanctuary in Thailand to volunteer for a week or more.


So I think I'm becoming conscious of the question I didn't know I'd been asking all along, where do I want to put my love?

EY