09 February 2015

I have an Open Head and an Open Ajna

I started working with my open head (or crown). That's the top triangle. All the shapes/centers that are white are considered open or undefined. Because of that open, undefined, triangle I am prone to receiving mental pressure from others and often think that it is my pressure when it isn't. I get lost in all this mental dialogue, mental chatter that I think I have to figure out.
My biggest issue that I noticed I have is solving other peoples problems. I ask all these questions and I feel like I need to find the answers to these questions, not realizing that they're not my questions.
The hardest part is being able to allow those questions to flow through my thoughts and not become attached to them.

My head and those questions is not a place for me to work out what my next decisions are. And the moment I think it is the place is the moment I am overcome with mental anxiety. The moment I think that the questions are valid is the moment I am overcome with mental anxiety.

At work, it was the situation of not ever having been invited by my boss to share my ideas or opinions. I've understood that clearly since I've found out about Human Design. So I know I'm working in a situation where I haven't been invited. That tells me to be quiet. Don't volunteer information. Don't say what I think could be done to improve anything because I won't be heard. That was simple enough. The hard part was the question, How do I gain approval from a person who hasn't invited me?

Still not the clearest question because the question was more, how do I avoid having to listen to being told that I didn't do my work the right way, according to him? I've spent all this time second guessing how he wants me to do my job in order for him not to tell me that I didn't do it right. If I did this first then I'd find out that I should't have done this first. Can you see what happens with that kind of thinking? I'm rushing around trying to get everything done at once simply so I don't have to hear, "Why didn't you do this first? This is more important."

I'm running around in this circle of anxiety, trying to avoid another beat down of disapproval when I know full well that I know how to do my job. I go into stress mode because I'm going to receive another evaluation where I have to fight every negative bullet point of how I'm not very good at my job.

As I started studying what the undefined head center stood for I started to think, "wait a minute, if he's never invited me, he can never approve of me. If he can't approve of my work then no matter which way I do it, it will be wrong."

Damned if I do, Damned if I don't. hmm
If I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't then what do I do?
Don't do and don't don't. Get it?

I've always known what to do at this job. I know that certain projects have to be done by certain dates because accounting needs to process invoices based on my work by certain cut-offs, for example. These cut-offs are company wide. They are not arbitrary dates that can be pushed back and pushed back.

I've been second guessing my own work that I know, I know how to do because of all these questions in my head that have nothing to do with me. I know how to do my work. It is always accurate.
He will always voice his disapproval because there is no approval. What the hell am I getting stressed out for? I can't win.

The only valid question I need to answer, which I have, is do I know how to do my job right?
So, since I do know how to do my job right the only thing I need to do is do my job.

And that's what I've been doing since January. I've been simply doing my job. When he asks me if I've done something yet and I haven't, I inform him no and list all of the activities that are on my to-do list and when I plan on doing the activity he's asked me about. And I keep going on about my business.

I do not need to find answers to all these myriad of other questions that are not my questions.

I can use my open head to help me to relax, remind me to stay quiet (not initiate) and change my negative thoughts. I can use my open head to think about what I want to write.
My open head is good to help me to review but it doesn't help me to do.
Do not make decisions - I don't need to decide to quit my job, nor when I should quit my job. My head center can't help me with that. It's my strategy and authority that helps me with that decision. My strategy is to wait for an invitation and my authority is to find out within my emotional wave how I feel about that invitation.

My little mantra I wrote for myself regarding my open head center is be quiet and focus on my own projects. Think about my own projects. Not my questions, not my pressure, not my energy, not my chaos. I have to differentiate between what is theirs and what is mine. None of it is mine. Because I am open, it is coming into me and it is amplified. It is not mine.
The lesson is to become unattached and simply watch. Be quiet and focus on my own projects. Seeking his approval on the way I do my work is not my project. Doing my work accurately and within the set deadlines is my project.

With the Open Ajna (mind) center directly below the Head/crown center it's the mental pressure (the head) to find the right answers (the ajna).
The mental pressure questions that we think we need the right answers can fall into things like I have to be debt free before I have a baby or before I fall in love. I need to move into a bigger place before I start dating. I don't have to have an answer for everything or anything for that matter.

The Ajna, whether defined or undefined brings mental anxiety and fear. It just so happens that the undefined ajna's fear and anxiety is amplified because we are taking in so much more. We think we have to do this or that (whatever we name ii like x in a mathematical equation) in order to relieve the anxiety.

The combination of the two centers were causing me mental anxiety because I felt like I had to make decisions. I felt I had to fix things. I felt I had to do something to change what's been going on within the environment and only then would I feel okay.

I wrote up a bunch of notes for my open Ajna to help me to hone in on how all this pressure was feeding this anxiety that needn't be here

I do not have to do this (Quit my job; move away)
I do not have to do that (Get my life in order before I quit my job; move before I date)
I do not have to say that. I do not have to speak if I'm not invited. I do not have to help if I'm not invited. I do not have to find a way to resolve my issues at work. I let my strategy and authority decide how and when I speak. I don't have to rehearse possible answers to possible questions. If I make a rash decision about what I think I should do and follow through on it, I will replay that decision for the rest of my life. "Did I do the right thing? What if I had done it differently?"

Ask myself, Does this matter? Is this of value?
I can never be certain of anything I am not like everyone else and there is nothing wrong with that.
I don't need to be uncomfortable when I don't have an answer.
I simply need to learn how to be fully present instead of working to develop an answer or comment. (I was so anxious, I was always rehearsing in my head.)

I don't need to finish anyone's sentence. I can listen without impatience. I cannot solve my personal problems by figuring them out with the mind.

Studying those two centers has relieved me of so much angst.

I had that little conversation with myself like you have. There are two things that can happen here. I can quit my job or I can be fired. If he wants to fire me, he has to have a reason. If he doesn't have a reason then he has to pay me off. There are labour laws. I could quit, but there are still many good qualities about my job and so far, I haven't been invited to something new. And this job has really only been about this relationship. Well if all that is the case then I simply go to what I've always done in every job I've ever worked at. I simply do the best job I can do. And that's what I've been doing.

I stopped getting upset when decisions are made that I think, don't make sense. I remind myself that I'm not invited so there's no need to volunteer my "make sense" ideas because they won't be heard anyways. Ironically enough, we've been getting along much better.

A side note about invitations, in case I haven't explained them properly. If I had been invited then I wouldn't have to repeatedly be invited. I could go up to his office any time and say, I have an idea about saving our department money... Or I could email him and say, I was thinking of another way we could do this that might be quicker... And he would be open to 'hearing' what I had to say/email. Because I haven't received an invitation nor been recognized in knowing what I'm doing, if I volunteer, I am a nuisance.

Any of the notes I've gotten have been from the book I've been studying by Lynda Bunnell called Living Your Design. A Manual for Celular Transformation.

Previous blog entry about My Questions


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