I Went to Church Today

Sunday 20April14 1:48pm

I went to church today for the first time in 40 Years.
I'd been thinking about it for a long while. I'd been to this church before for a function and I liked the feel of it. A couple had chatted with me back then and told me that the service was filled more with affirmations and wasn't too churchy. That's why they'd started going. So this morning I was up, I got ready, and I left the house and went to church. It was a good experience and one I think I'll continue for the next little while, at least.

So much has been going on in my life that I'm looking at any way and all ways of grounding my energy and keeping a spiritual focus. I was reminded that it was 3 years ago this past Good Friday that I had my elephant experience at my part time job. I actually talked about it with my co-worker this past Thursday because it was the Thursday before Good Friday when the whole big spiritual experience started then continued into the Friday. I had actually said to my co-worker, "I wonder what my Good Friday gift will be this year."

I realized as I chatted with my co-worker about the shenanigans that had transpired through the week of the full moon eclipse that I was describing me coming into my full power as a woman. Finding it, acknowledging it and accepting it. We talked about the boundaries that I've been setting over the years for myself and what I will accept. We talked about the people who have bashed into those boundaries and how I reacted. I didn't react in anger or with force. Instead I looked at the situation, called it what it was, asked myself what I needed to do to clean things up and flipped the script. It's amusing how off balance every one gets when you flip the script on them.

There's nothing better than that moment in a woman's life when she realizes, "I don't have to wait for you to make a decision. I'm making this decision and I'm moving forward with that."
The full moon eclipse energy was filled with turmoil and chaos and confusion and I weaved my way through it feeling like I was dragging sacks of something heavy behind me but I had no choice but to get through it.

I felt so light hearted on my Good Friday, listening to music, singing like I was giving a concert and thinking about my 3 Bees in Australia and smiling. And I was purging. Yes I'm back to my purging with a renewed energy. I've decided I want to leave Toronto for good. I don't know how long that will take or how I'm going to approach it but like planning for Australia, I just need to focus on one project at a time. Ultimately I'd like to land in Australia.

Of course Toronto will start to be kinder to me now, right(?), now that I've decided it's time to go. I was never supposed to stay here as long as I have. I think what stopped me was that I always thought I'd have a companion to make the move with.

The hardest part about being back from Australia is I'm not able to gloss over what's missing in my life anymore. My friends are so spread out and busy with their lives and families. The 'man' I was supposed to find isn't here. And the question that keeps coming up is, 'if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, do I want to be alone here?' Um, nope. I can be alone somewhere warm.

My skin was so beautiful in Australia. I've never seen myself look that dark in my whole life and I loved it. It's so funny and ironic how we grow up with all these issues about our colour and how lighter skinned relatives receive better treatment than the darker ones and I discover how much more I love looking at myself in the mirror when I'm dark. Dark Dark!

So I went to church today. Because I want major changes in my life and I want to ground myself in all this energy and stay fully present in the realization of my own power as a woman. I wrote in my journal before I left for church this morning, "I know what it's like to live my life not having what I want." Going to church was the beginning of the prayers to help me to live a life having what I want.

EY

Changing With The Times

I love Journalling. The best part is that I can write something down, forget about it, and later when I'm reading through entries realize that what I wrote about is actually being created in my life.

While I was in Bermuda in June, I listened to a Joel Osteen sermon on television while I was waiting for my friends to come get me. His main message was to embrace where you are.

I wrote in my journal - "Listening to Joel Osteen and he's reminded me about relaxing into the situation.

When you're between jobs and you're looking for another job and the stress that comes up. Always in the end, when you get the job, you wish you would have relaxed more. Made better use of that free time. That's my new moon wish to relax more into my life and into what is going on as it happens. I know the energy of my life has changed, so let me continue to change along with it. What are the good qualities of where I am?"

I've noticed that since I wrote that journal entry I've been changing the way I phrase things. I did it just last week. I won two tickets to a spoken word event and I was telling a co-worker about the event the day after. I actually said, "I won the tickets and I was going to say that I never win anything but the energy of my life has changed so not winning is not true for me anymore."

Even my Bermuda trip was something that wouldn't happen for me in the past. Mind you, I didn't have a passport. But I feel like the energy of my life is changing and yes, it's definitely because of the small actions I am taking. Like getting a passport and going out of my way to look for the information that ultimately won me the spoken word tickets.

Today I wrote in my journal, "Change yourself, change your thoughts, to meet your changing life."

More of Joel Osteen's message that inspired me that I've been working with:
You couldn't go where you're going without the people who keep you down, make your life difficult. They are polishing you as long as you continue to shine your light. Enjoy your life while God is changing the circumstances.
"This is where you have me right now and God I know you are working on my future. While I'm waiting I'm not going to worry. I trust you God."
Some things you can only learn in the struggle. God is getting you prepared. Stay in faith even when it's difficult. Keep doing the right things even when the wrong things happen. It's not happening to me, it's happening for me. Embrace where you are! Keep the faith and trust. And Maybe what you're praying for is too small that's why you haven't received it. (If what I'm praying for is too small, what is a sizeable dream to pray for?)

I love the idea of being polished. How many times have we looked back in our lives and saw the path that led us to where we were? If so and so hadn't have been so miserable we wouldn't have left that city and moved to this city where we have been able to find our confidence, our self-respect, our power!

When I got back from Bermuda I, of course, had a lot waiting for me when I got back to work. My first frustration was a co-worker who didn't keep me in the loop for work we both know full well that I needed to be informed of. I emailed her telling her that I couldn't accept the form she'd sent me because I had nothing to back it up.
She emailed me back, "Oh I got the authorization from the rep. You were away so I didn't bother to send it to you." and she attached the authorization.
In my head, I was thinking, 'well she knows I need that information, why the heck wouldn't she copy me on it?' But I never said it to her.
Moments later, as if she heard my thoughts, she sent me an email saying, "I'm so sorry I didn't send you the information..." and some other stuff about hoping I wasn't mad at her for the needless frustration.
I emailed her back, "It's okay. Like Joel Osteen said, you are polishing me." ha-ha!


What are the good qualities of where I am?
Change yourself, change your thoughts, to meet your changing life.
If what I'm praying for is too small, what is a sizeable dream for me to pray for?
Who is polishing me? How is this situation polishing me?

And, as luck would have it, Joel Osteen is on now. His message today goes fittingly with his June message - Be positive or be quiet. You may think negative but don't speak it out.

I may have thought, "I never win anything," but I caught myself and didn't say it because I'm making it no longer true for me.

EY