Power Struggles

Monday 28Jan08 7pm

As I walked home today and was thinking about my blog entry as a way to shove off the aggravation of work, my mind flit back to the power struggle of July 2007 and how both my friend Jojo and I felt that it triggered my debilitating pain that laid me up for a few months. I wondered if it is time to think about my next direction. Seems the power struggle has resurfaced and ofcourse Mercury is Retrograde and Pluto has moved in Capricorn, will flit back to Sagittarius for a minute and will stay in Capricorn for something like 15 years. I sat up last night reading about it in The Mountain Astrologer and it scared the pants off me.

What I can remember without going back to the magazine was stuff like governmental control, things going to more of a Conservative leaning (heavy conservative), issues with the way that people are managed. Slavery in the US started when Pluto was in Capricorn. Dictatorships and fascism had their best heydays when Pluto was in Capricorn. blah blah blah. Stuff about New World Order. Serious tensions and rebellions. Scary shit! Let's hope Obama gets elected as President and let's double hope we get rid of Stephen Harper, but he's here now and our Liberal leader isn't Gerrard Kennedy.

In a smaller way, I've felt the change at work with the new regime. I've said a couple of times, it's like they are trying to say that we are a team and then pulling dictatorship tactics. It calmed for a while because my boss spoke up but slowly it's been seeping in once again. I've told my boss that when he ultimately leaves, I'd like to go with him but who knows what can happen. The powers that be already have a chosen person for the position I would take. Or my boss decides to go another route himself. So somehow I know that I need to stop allowing my mind to live in it and I need to let my mind create what I want. There are a number of things that call me, like animals and art and independence and and. I haven't quite found a way to go live in the woods like a present day Grizzly Adams with high speed internet yet. ha ha Oh yes and enough ground to have some sort of animal sanctuary, a cat retirement home, maybe my dream man can be a Vet!

I haven't a clue what I was going to say! ha ha!
EY

Aquarian Stuff

Monday 6pm 28Jan08

I'm always waiting for the latest New Millenium Being when the sign changes because I'm always interested in what to look at during that particular sign. Guru Rattana doesn't always get them out as soon as I would hope and I've since started to go back through her past issues for that particular sign to see what I can glean from them. There is always general stuff that you can focus on without necessarily knowing what planets are retrograde or direct and so forth. Other things remain the same, like the full moon is always in the opposite sign (Jan 22nd was in Leo) and the New Moon is always in the current sign.

So today I was reading on the past issues for Aquarius since that's what sign we are in. Happy Birthday Lolo!
I had a little chuckle when I read that my issues with unsolicited advice actually runs high in an Aquarian month and specifically the Leo Full Moon.

A quote from the New Millennium Being Number 81, Feb 3, 2004 issue says: "We are often challenged by our tribe mates, who are not happy with our behavior and disagree with our decisions. They openly or covertly pressure us to conform, rather than evolve. These growth periods breed inner conflict. Instinctively we fear exile, censorship and punishment for daring to have our own voice. The possibility of rejection makes us anxious. At the same time, your soul's need to be your own boss uncovers feelings of rebellion. In our hearts we know we will feel better when we allow more of true nature to be expressed and emerge and develop our individual approach to life and living."

"Those with an Aquarius Sun, Moon, Ascendant or multiple planets in Aquarius or the 11th house are innately rebellious and independent and have a visceral aversion to tribal dictates." Didn't I check my chart and didn't I find 4 or 5 planets in the 11th house? Interesting!

Some notes I've gleaned from the NMB's from 2004 to 2007 are as follows:

Leo Full Moon (the effects can be as long as a month)
- we can't suppress our creative urges without negative consequences. The real satisfaction comes when our creations uplift, entertain or support others.
- to grow we have to change. We break through our ego barriers (Leo) and take a giant step toward setting ourselves free (Aquarius).
- clarify our priorities, claim our power, recognize the disparities between our dreams and our reality and evaluate where we want to go next.
- Our soul has a chosen set of circumstances and personal qualities this lifetime. We can't change them. The first prerequisite for a happy life is to accept who we are. This makes it possible to more fully explore the possibilities where we are at choice and to embrace our gifts and challenges.

Aquarius New Moon
- lofty ideas need to be grounded in practical plans and realistic schedules for their implementation
- focus on chage, progress, transformation, evolution and our highest ideals. The Aquarian mission is to heal the wounds of alienation, isloation, inequality and injustice.
- What is your unique and vital role? What is your next step to more actively contribute to planetary healing?

Aquarius and his mentor Uranus
- represent our curiousity, our need to respond to new challenges and mental stimuli, our personal hopes, dreams, wishes, and our altruistic ideals for humanity.
- listen to our intuition
- We meet our destiny when we are called upon to do what we didn't think we could do and what we have never done before.
- What have I been dreaming of doing? Where have I not given myself the space to expand and enrich my life by making excuses or being afraid to change?
- We need to ask ourselves what we need. Perhaps (1) Time out from our routines to detach or use our creative energy for other productive endeavors. (2) A chance to view our life and the world through another set of lenses, where we can gain a clear, objective and more encompassing perspective. (3) An opening to evaluate relationships, habits, beliefs, our job circumstances that determine what we are doing with our life.
- the need to tak a new direction. The more we accept and deal positively with change, the less we suffer health problems. We have to become conscious and move out of denial whether we want to or not. Resisting change and holding on to the past can lead to accidents. If we are not willing, we are awakened against our will. Listen to and follow our internal guidance.

In the 2006 New Millenium Being Guru Rattana offers a physical exercise for grounding and containing your spiritual energy during Aquarius.
In the 2004 NMB, Number 81 she offers a simple meditation. In Number 82, a Self Love Meditation. And in NMB 115 she offers a bunch of goodies as well.
You can either subscribe to her monthly newletters or scroll down and click on a back issue at: http://www.yogatech.com/nmb/ (as always click the title of this entry to go to the website.)

EY

Unsolicited Advice

Sunday 27Jan08 12:33pm

Have I mentioned that I'm not a fan of unsolicited advice? It drives me crazy. I get that most times people mean well when they announce how they think you should (big should) live your life. What drives me crazy about it the most is that when I respond with some comment as to why that's nice information but this is what I'm doing with my life, the person refuses to 'hear' what I am saying.

Out at the bar about a week ago, one of the women asked me if they'd end up in my novel. I laughed and said, "No, maybe in ten years! You need to have distance from something in order to make it true fiction."
I didn't think anythng more about it. Because, although I have fun at the bar, it's not really something I'll ever write about. But in all situations people always ask if they'll end up in my novel so I try to have a nice answer. What I really want to say is that it's not that interesting to end up in a novel but instead say maybe in ten years because people feel that you think they are more interesting than they are.

This week, my dream buddy says, " I know you say that you wait ten years before you write about something but I THINK you should write about it now. You can't remember everything and it's important to record things to remember them."
I tell him, "That was just an arbitrary number, 10 years. I journal what inspires me or what stands out in my mind but my fiction isn't me just taking what's happened and fictionalizing it. My fiction is fiction. Plus I have enough novel ideas to keep me busy for twenty years."
"Well, you should write things down to keep yourself up with ideas... blah blah blah."
"Okay buddy, you are not listening to me." And he got that, "I'm right" expression on his face as those unsolicited self proclaimed guru's get because I am too stubborn to realize that they know what's right for me.

I just have to say, because it needs to be said, When you're life is perfect maybe then you can tell me what you think I should be doing in my life and how I should do it. When you're life is perfect, I'll ask you specific questions about your area of expertise. It's always what I love to say, "You don't ask a poor person for advice on how to get rich, because clearly he doesn't know how to get rich. And you don't ask someone whose life isn't working how to go after your dreams. I'm just saying.

I find myself saying to so many people when they insist their advice on me, "I didn't ask!" But it generally falls on deaf ears.
Now I'm not saying that I don't ever listen to anyone. But there are those people who think they know me and people who really do know me. I know the people who know me by what they say to me. They are the people who listen, ask questions and suggest rather than insist. There are people that I ask, "what's your opinion on this?"

On the flip side, it's so nice to have people in my life that get me. My girlfriend who mentioned that my returning to blogging made her sigh with relief. Not once had she ever said, when I wasn't blogging, "You know if you start blogging you'll get out of your 2007 funk." My girlfriend who kept pushing me to come out when I was in pain because she knew that even if I got out for an hour, I would know that I wasn't going through it alone. She didn't tell me I should get out, she just tried to push to it. If I told her to stop she would have but deep inside I knew she was right and I was impressed that she knew how to get me out without giving me advice.

I've been trying to, as I've read somewhere, to just smile and say thanks for sharing with the self proclaimed guru's of my life. But I find what happens is they think it's an opening for more, "this is what you should be doing rants."
I look for areas in my life where I may be doing the same thing, but I'm so mindful of how annoying it is to act like you know everything that I honestly don't believe I do it to people. I'll say, "this is what I've done, when I've been in that situation," but I never say, "you should do this." Who the heck am I to say to anyone, "you should do this?"

Who is anybody to say that? What if there is a path that we are meant to follow? What if we are supposed to struggle at some things, procrastinate at others, excel at some, and just plain try all the wrong avenues before we find our proper place? What if every moment of our lives, is our proper place?


Even with deaths, I'm starting to look at them from a different perspective. I never say any more that some one has died prematurely. What if the death isn't premature? What if their purpose was to have a short life? There is nothing more inspiring to get us to live our lives fully than the example of some one dying young. A person's life is an example to someone to live more, or try more.

I don't know. I've never claimed to have the answers. I just have things that I want to work on overcoming or handling. And being given unsolicited advice is a biggie. If I'm going to make an effort to maintain more relationships with people who don't necessarily get me, I have to, for myself, look at ways to accept that from people without feeling all knotted up about it.

I receive a boatload of emails from different newsletters around the world on working on my stuff. It interests me. I don't always read all the emails but on some days one of the subjects will catch my eye and I'll read the email. I've been receiving emails from Byron Katie for over a year and only read an email just recently. I clicked on to her website and listened/watched her you tube video on what she teaches called, "The Work."

It's interesting work. Especially when I found out that she had also suffered from depression for a number of years and got herself out of it by changing her thinking. As is You Tube's way, after you watch one video, it offers similar videos and I came upon one from Janaka or is it Janaki? I'll have to check again.

It was a goodie! It was ofcourse about how we all want to help others and feel that we know what is best for them. And how about we choose to believe that they are doing the right things for themselves and ultimately that we are doing what is right for ourselves. The link to that video is : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhO0UDwfza4

Click the title to be forewarded to it. Interesting work, The Work.

EY

Mercury Retrograde

Oh joy, it's that time again. Mercury goes retrograde on January 28th! I've been having computer problems at work since the last one, I think! ha ha! I hope that's the only thing that drives me crazy, although that is supposed to be fixed tomorrow.
I started Lolo's birthday gift before the retrograde but won't be sending it anytime soon, since it will probably get lost in the mail on the way to South Korea, or it will be sent back because she'll be in Thailand!

I haven't been feeling the communication issues early that I normally feel, so hopefuly... hopefully.
Of course, as is my lot, any man that shows an interest in me seems to be on the cusp of Mercury Retrograding. So, the good thing is that I will be forced to slow things way down before I make any type of decision. Allthough that dark hair and those dark eyes (my weakness) make it very difficult for me to keep away or even an arm's length.

Anyhow, from Astrology Zone's Susan Miller, I paste her definition of what you should and shouldn't do:

"At several points throughout the year most of us will be bombarded with the maddening effects of Mercury in retrograde. Mercury is a planet which governs all transportation and communication issues. Mercury is not an emotional planet, but rather a highly objective, truth-seeking one. It rules intelligence, education and truth. When it is in retrograde, some of its power is held back.

When Mercury starts turning in an apparent backward motion, we will start to feel the effects of this event days or even as far as two weeks earlier. When the planet normalizes we will see the tempo of events pick up in our lives as the planet becomes "stationary" and then speeds forward.

Gemini and Virgo are signs ruled by Mercury, so if you are one of those born during those months, you will be complaining especially loudly. If you work in the industries ruled by this planet such as sales, writing, public relations, advertising, publishing, air freight, the post office or express mail, any transportation industry, from the airlines to Amtrak, you'll also be especially vulnerable to this planet's weird motions in September. (If you are a Gemini, for example, who works in publishing, it's no use calling in for a month of mental health days--you can't escape!)

What happens when Mercury retrogrades? You miss appointments, your computer equipment crashes, checks get lost, you find the car you just purchased during Mercury retrograde is a lemon. (Or, you hate your haircut, the lamp you bought shorts out, your sister hates her birthday gift.) There will be countless delays, cancellations and postponements--but know these will benefit you in the long run. Don't fight them, although your frustration level and feeling of restlessness will be hard to cope with at times.

All machinery and things with moving parts--such as computers, VCRs, camera equipment, garbage disposals, and so forth, will reveal any weak links now. It is critical that you back up your data system and be more careful and vigilant than ever. Projects will demand more time and money than anticipated this month.

In matters of the heart, if your boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with you or says something hurtful, take a wait-and-see attitude. Since Mercury rules speech, they may not mean what you think they are saying now. Let them have some space, and wait to see if they mean in October what they said in September.

When traveling, leave early and allow for extra travel time. Have all bags double-taped closed, count your belongings, double-check addresses and reconfirm appointments. Things get lost when Mercury messes us up. Take NOTHING for granted. The sector of your chart that Mercury happens to be skating through will be effected most dramatically, so check your forecast!

Why would the Universe give us Mercury retrograde? Because to move forward it is sometimes necessary to backtrack and reconfigure our paths in life. It is important to reconsider, repair, reflect, and reconnect. Mercury forces us to slow down and fix what's broken, and in so doing, rethink things. It also gives us time to get to projects we have put on the back-burner.

Some activities are lucky or actually improve when Mercury retrogrades. You are likely to bump into old friends that you haven't seen in years. Adopted children tend to find their birth parents during Mercury retrograde periods, or people locate their long lost siblings. Prosecutors often find clues to crimes that had previously remained unsolved for years. (Although sometimes the reverse is true--there is a greater danger, or example, that police can bungle evidence during a Mercury retrograde period, for clear thinking doesn't come easy for any of us then.) Mail that went astray weeks or even years ago shows up during Mercury retrograde. Some things that were lost reappear.

Now is also a good time to dress old wounds, clean up relationships or to simply bury the hatchet. Some people have great breakthroughs in psychotherapy during a Mercury retrograde period. For salesman, it is a positive time to backtrack over previous contacts rather than call on new ones. It is a perfect time to schedule work on projects that you haven't had time to do and you've let pile up. Bring your resume or portfolio up to date, and clean out your closets. Take time to paint the house. Clear your decks.

Just try not to start new things. If you have to start a job during a Mercury retrograde period know that the nature of the job is likely to change dramatically over time. Perhaps the person you report to will leave, or your responsibilities will be very different from what you thought they would be. Or your company won't be ready to take you on, and you won't have much to do until things are reorganized. But remember, if this was a position that you tried for in the past, then you've got the vibes working for you rather than against you."

EY

Podcasts - My New Addiction

Sunday 20Jan08 12:31pm

I inadvertently caught on to Podcasts by watching Creflo Dollar's message. I sometimes go looking for his show on television first thing in the morning simply to start the day with something positive in my mind. At the end of one show I noticed that he had podcasts available through Itunes.

"Hmm, I should check that out then I won't have to flip around on the television trying to find his show."

Don't I go to the podcast section and find out that, 1) Podcasts are free! and 2) There is a boatload of them!
Jumpin' Jehosephat! Ha ha! So I proceeded to download way too many podcasts of all types and now I need to actually listen to them.

The one I am currently listening to is " A New Love Movement." In the episode, he is listing off the 50 Life Lessons/ Rules.
I post the rules and the link to the blog (click the title) for anyone who is interested...

EY

http://community.livejournal.com/a_love_movement/

50 Life Lessons/Rules

The following is by Regina Brett The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God
never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get
busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one
is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no
for an answer.
21 Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years,
will this matter?"
27. Always choose life, not suicide.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends
will. Stay in touch.
33. BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.
34 God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did
or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats th e alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,
we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46 No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Choose Power Animal for 2008

I chose my power animal for 2008. Mine is the Horse! The Horse is about freedom, balance and abundance. Sounds good to me...

check out Carrie Hart's Power Animals Unleashed by clicking the title of this entry.

plus read Carrie Hart's (and Quado's) channelled message for 2008 below...

EY

2008 is the Year of Power

2008 is the year of power, personal power, the power to create your life unhindered by fear and doubt, the power to come fully into yourself, reach your deepest core and shine out with all you are.

As the last year was a year of transition and often confusion, so the coming year is one of clarity and an explosion of power into your life. As prior years have been years of growth and learning, discovery and exploration, so this coming year is one of expression of all you have learned, full self-expression using the talents that have been created through your learning as well as those that have long lain dormant.

This is the year of power. This is the year of expression. This is the year of freedom.

And all of this is yours through the connection you have with the great all, with your own godliness, with the energy within you that ties to the great source of all energy. You do not need to earn this; it is yours. You do not even need to learn this; it is yours as a natural part of your being. You cannot help but be one with the power. It is simply so.

All you need to do, right now, is acknowledge it, feel it, own it. You do, in fact, know what you want out of life. You do, in fact, know your deepest dreams. And these dreams are to use the talents and characteristics that are within you. They are there for that reason. They are there finally to be acknowledged and utilized as a part of your full self-expression.

And so, claim this power. Claim your life. Claim your inheritance, your birthright, to be a fully-expressed and powerful human being, walking this earth with purpose, each step guided by the light of love, the pathway ahead sparkling with infinite possibility and the great and unending grace of God flooding down upon you as you walk.

See the glow within you, the spark of divine presence that is you. See yourself glowing brighter and brighter, glowing with the goodness and godliness that you are. See how that glow extends out and out, further and further, until it light up the world.

And from this space and this place, create your life. Pull out that dusty old dream, the one that seems too big, the one that everyone says is impossible, yet still the one that makes your heart beat faster.

Take it out and give it power; give it light and energy. Now let it go, fully charged and burning bright, and watch it ascend into the sky, up and up, until it is a star to light your life, hanging up in the firmament, ready to guide you each step of the way.

Connect with that star. Feel and see the bond that reaches from that star down to you. Feel that you and your star are one and the same. Feel that you have within you all the power of the brightest star in the sky, all the power of all that is, the true godliness of creation, all within you.

And now, stand tall and reach your hand up to the night sky. Point your finger at your star and see the lightning flash out. Hear the thunder answer. Let your power flash out in wonder and glory as you declare yourself clearly and fully: I am! I am!

This is your year to be guided by this star, letting each step expand your light and lift you higher. This is the year to shine out in freedom and godliness, shining as brightly as your star shines in the sky.

The time is here. Say it aloud, say it with power, say it because it is true: I am!

*

Visit www.carriehart.com for music, poetry, meditations, healing crystals and messages from the last several weeks.
Copyright 2007 by Systematique. All rights reserved.

Tarot Your Year 2008

Tarot Your Year
I posted this entry last year and thought I'd post again for those interested...

From Beverlee at astrologybybeverlee (Click the title to access her web site)
EY


As one year comes to a close one cycle ends and another cycle begins to unfold. So I'd like to offer you a ritual to perform as you mark the passing of one year--2006 and the beginning of another--2007.

You'll need a Tarot Deck to perform this ritual.

New Year's Tarot Meditation

To begin, find a quiet spot where you will not be disturbed, seat yourself comfortably and take a deep breath. Now just exhale the year that is ending. Better yet, take in a deep breath for each month and exhale the closing year a month at a time. While you are exhaling, you might like to visualize a calendar and its pages—starting with January—being exhaled out into the Universe. If there is something special that you want to let go of that occurred in one of these months, visualize it moving away from you off into the distance and into the Universe, leaving you forever.

When you complete this visualization you should be feeling much lighter and ready to prepare for the beautiful New Year that awaits you. Now you're ready to begin the Tarot Meditation that will reveal your expectations, wishes and possibilities for the New Year.

This Tarot Meditation is designed to correspond to the Lunar Phases with which we have become so familiar as we've worked together with them over the past few years. You'll begin by shuffling your Tarot Deck to imbue it with your energy. Then you're going to cut the deck towards you with your left hand and draw nine cards.

The first card you draw will be the Creator. Place it in the center of the circle. This card symbolizes your highest potential for the coming year. It shows how you will be connected to your "Great I Am" throughout the year.

The second card you draw represents you and the new beginnings you are committed to making in the coming year. You may use this card for visualization for the entire year because it symbolizes what you are in the process of becoming. This card also symbolizes the New Moon—beginnings. Place this card in the Eastern part of your circle.

The third card you draw represents what you must build and work on in the coming year in order to be successful. It correlates to the Crescent Phase. Place this card in the South Eastern part of the circle.

The fourth card represents what you have to step out and try in the New Year so that you will feel like you are doing something that is expressing your individuality. It symbolizes the First Quarter Phase of the Moon. Place this card in the Southern part of the circle.

The fifth card represents your inner child and what it is seeking in the way of creativity and fun for the New Year. This card can also have a great deal to do with your work and how you plan to make it a pleasurable experience. It embodies the Gibbous Phase of the Moon. Place this card in the South Western part of the circle.

The sixth card you draw represents your shadow issue and what you must learn this year in order to have a good relationship with others. It also represents the Full Phase of the Cycle. Place this card in the Western part of the wheel.

The seventh card represents what you have to give out unconditionally all year long in order to stay in balance and receive abundance. This ties in with the Disseminating Phase. Place this card in the North Western part of the wheel.

The eighth card represents your power for the New Year. This is your goal—what you can achieve when all of the other cards are balanced. This corresponds to the Last Quarter Phase of the Cycle. Place this card in the Northern position of the wheel.

The ninth card represents what you will be letting go of in the New Year. It also symbolizes the part of you that needs rest and healing. This is your spiritual program for the New Year. You can think of it as your retreat card. It's similar to the Balsamic Phase of the Moon. Place it in the North East position in the wheel.

Now it's time to read the descriptions for each of the cards you have drawn in the book or booklet that accompanies your Tarot Deck. You will be amazed by how they describe what's going on with you both on an inner and outer level. Write down the description for each of the cards you have drawn. You will want to refer to them during the year to see whether you are on track with the Grand Design of your life, because each of them mirrors your intention for the coming year.

Drinking Karoake and Singing Corona

Monday 31Dec07 10:15am

So I've overcome my excruciating pain, for the most part. It's been quite the journey for sure.

It's so funny how things can just drop into your lap sometimes. I'd been of course suffering in pain for almost 2 months when I went to see Theatre Rusticle's show April 14, 1912. Before the show I caught up with the people who seeing the show with me and saw the director's boyfriend. He looked at me and was just shocked by how out of it from the pain I was. He said, "We have to take care of this!"

I watched the show without moving a bone for the whole show. Great show, by the way. It was mentioned as one of the top 10 theatre shows (and companies) in Now magazine for 2007!

After the show there was an opening night reception and again, everyone was looking at me with such shock from how out of whack I looked. I cannot even describe the kind of pain I was in. All I can say is that I cried at least once a day because of the pain. My one friend who is a massage therapist just kept staring at me trying to figure out a way to help me since I said I couldn't even tolerate the thought of manipulative massage. I would do Reiki if I could find a good Reiki practitioner.

I spoke to boyfriend again and he asked me if I met husband of one of the other attendees. "Husband can help you!" He said as he dragged me over to where Husband was. He literally said to him, "This is Shelley, she's in pain, Help Her!" ha ha.
Husband brought me to his car, like we were doing a drug deal (as we all laughed nervously about how suspicious we looked). He didn't have a machine in his car but promised to get one to me. True to his word, he passed one on to TR's director and she dropped it off to me at work. I started the sound vibration that night.

Strange little machine. The booklet says that you can only work on two pained areas at once. I chose my carpal tunnel and my neck pain figuring it was like book ends, start there and the stuff in the middle will get the effects. I used the machine twice a day for three weeks. Within a week I was feeling improvements and within the 2nd week, the pain was GONE! Like with medication you have to follow through on the program even if the pain has gone and I was a good girl and followed through.

Hmm, the machice is called Ensonix Sound Vibration. A picture of it can be found at http://www.myarthritisstore.com/ (click the title of this entry)
Of course if some sales guy had come up to me to sell me one of them I'd think he's a freak and wouldn't believe in the benefits. But because I was in so much pain and had tried everything save chopping my arm off (which I'd considered) I was willing to try sucking on Olives if someone told me it would help and I hate Olives. Because my pain was acute pain, I think, the machine worked quickly. I'm currently using it on my arthritic toes and am starting the 3rd go round (three weeks of sound therapy, 5 days of none). But my arthritis is chronic pain that I've had for close to 20 years so I'm expecting it will take some time. I have felt some improvement. The other recommendation is to have as little weight bearing activities as possible which is hard for my feet since I need to walk. But it's coming along.

The whole pain thing freaked me out soundly. I really had to slow down plus I kept my outings with friends to a bare minimum. My girlfriend Jojo kept me as drunk as possible as much as possible. ha ha! My Halloween girlfriend (day of her birthday) recommended taking gravol to help me sleep. It increased my sleep time from 2 hours to 4 hours. Lolo sent me many a message and placed a couple of calls from South Korea to check in on me. And of course the Theatre Rusticle clan set me up with this sound vibration that truly saved my life. Even my boys at work were getting freaked out because I was breaking down at my desk. I was honestly considering going to my doctor to find out about medicinal weed!

So since then I took it easy. I've been pretty scared to work on my computer at home so the writing has been nonexistent. I've stayed away from using the phone as much as possible since I'm one of those bad people who rests it on my shoulder which is not good if I don't want to be in any pain. Thankfully I was out of pain in time for my Author's festival and enjoyed that as always and met a really nice author from Germany (Jakob Arjouni). We exchanged email addresses and I have yet to send him any greetings.

November I lost my fourth and newest cat Zoe. I only had her for five months and half of that time I was in pain. So I didn't know her well enough to notice that she wasn't acting right. When I finally realized, she's just not right I rushed her to the vet and was not given a good prognosis. I brought her home and spent the last day with her and the next morning brought her to the Humane Society because I couldn't bear the thought of putting another cat down at the exact same time as I put my beloved Saki down 4 years ago. It was too much to bear. I cried the whole time at the Humane Society. I cried and apologized to Zoe and was heart broken to find out that when you surrender a pet to the Humane Society you never know one way or the other about the pet. Nothing. Did they save her life? Did they put her down? Nothing. Now I don't donate money to charity with the thought, "What's in it for me?" But you'd think after years of donating money that is matched by the company I work for, that there would be something to make me feel better... I'm just saying. I walked home with the empty carrier case balling my eyes out. I was such a mess I couldn't even contemplate taking public transit.

That devastation brought me into December. It's a bad month of the year at the best of times, what with it being when my Mom died and all my previous years of hating Christmas and the like. The first week brought me into month end and year end deadlines at work. One boss, the procrastinator of the century, just wasn't handing in all the stuff that I knew he should be. Every day I told both bosses, don't wait til the last minute because I'm not working any overtime for this. I made it really clear that Friday, Dec 7th (the day that my Mom died) was my deadline for my work. There was no way that I could do any of their stuff on Friday. Can you feel it coming? No overtime, my work deadline Friday!

So Thursday at about 12:30pm, the procrastinator of the Century gives me all his stuff for purchase orders that must be done or they will fall in to next years budget. It was the stack that even if I didn't take my lunch break I still wouldn't get done without staying over time! BITTER! I was so bitter that I yelled at him several times. I asked, "How long have you been sitting on this? I've told you, I've told you, I have my own shit to do tomorrow." I stayed late. I made him go get and buy me dinner. All was done! I was home by 7:45pm. I was tired but at least I was fed. It was all good.

Friday I send out an email asking very politely when the flatfile (a file with every charge made for the previous month) would come out and could it be soon. It takes me at least a couple hours to get through it and then I have a bunch of reports I have to run, balance, sign and get signed before I can hand it off to Accounting for them to upload everything into their program that they will ultimately process the invoices from. I run the error report for the flatfile and there is an error in it. There isn't supposed to be. I know off the first page that I'm not going to meet my work deadline. Okay. I can correct everything and see if I can get an updated version of the flatfile but even if I can, I won't get it until late afternoon which means I'll have to stay late on a Friday on the anniversary of my mom's death.

I go into a slow freak out that gains momentum: "I'm not staying late. I can't stay late. I shouldn't even be here. I should be home remembering my mother. I can't believe this is happening. Accounting is going to freak out. I can't believe I missed those things on the previous flatfile but I'm rushing through everything to get everything done and now I'm fucking up my own work. shit shit shit!"

I send an email to Accounting and the Property Manager: "I am not going to meet the year end deadline. I have officially reached the point in my position where I have too much work and I'm rushing through it and making mistakes. I don't know what else to tell you. Shelley"

The property manager calls and says that you can only do so much and shit happens. I start to explain what's happened and I burst into tears and say "I shouldn't even be here! I'm going home!"

I send my two bosses an email to their blackberries at 12:50pm (who are out for lunch because it's the one bosses birthday, by the way): "I am leaving for the day at 1pm. Shelley"

I log out of everything, shut everything down, put on my coat and wait for my co-worker to get back from lunch. I tell him that my deadline is fucked that I've had enough that I am going home and he looks so worried about me it's actually heartbreaking. I cry all the way home. ha ha! I never did spend any time properly remembering my mom because I was such a basket case.

The next day I bought new clippers and gave myself the Warrior Woman head shave. And was scary calm for the staff Christmas party. I wasn't sure if I was going to be fired, reprimanded or what after leaving work on Friday. But it turned out that my co-worker told my birthday boss what happened when he got back from lunch. Birthday boss said, "I knew it had to be something big for her to just leave like that." The party was fun and all was well in the world.

So in the last 6 months my boys have discovered that I'm not really one of the boys with all the tears of mine that they've seen between my pain, my cat, and my emotional breakdown. I've gained more of an attitude that I can only do my best and strive a little less for ultimate perfection (I admit to being a perfectionist at work). Perfection will kill you.

With my new calm demeanor I made it through the rest of the month unscathed. My bosses and I got out to more contractor's Christmas parties, which was a nice treat. I skipped any other outing that wasn't work related. We had our party in our department and one of the boys brought in his Karoake machine which went from me saying, "no, I'm not singing in front of strangers," to me singing the whole afternoon away as the building entertainment. No word of a lie. Then every one went home and I was still there at 8pm with the two guys on shift singing til the cows came home. ha ha! I basically had one of my "me, myself and I parties" in public. Lord help me!

Drinking Karoake and Singing Corona (that's how it felt when co-worker drove me home at the end of his shift.)

So needless to say after the trials and tribulations that were 2007 , I'm ready to put all that behind me and move forward with my goals. hmm, and I'm contemplating getting a karoake machine... just kidding!

EY

Missing in InAction

Monday 24Sept07 5:42pm

Just a quick note to say that I've been in pain for close to two months now! I've got carpal tunnel (shouldn't be typing); tennis elbow (never played tennis a day in my life); arthritis in my shoulder; and degenerative disc disease in my neck.
I'm in excruciating pain most of the time, wearing a wrist brace, icing myself like nobody's business and can't do too much for too long especially since I've been going to work every single day.

When something happens I'll be back.
In the meantime, I'm not responding to many emails, can barely write and am not blogging until further notice...

Shelley

What's in my heart?

Saturday 11:32am

Upon thinking about my previous entry my thoughts bounced around:
What's in my heart? Leo is about heart. August has been a far calmer Leo time for me compared to July Leo. Hm! I should look at the New Millenium Being newsletter again for Leo to see what I get out of it.

I immediately opened it to the pages I've highlighted and read this:
- complete or clarify relationships
- a new perspective and commitment
- sustain only that which is in alignment with your path
- concentrate on your next step
- stay focused and eliminate all distractions
- examine your motivations and align your goals to match your heart's desires
- devote your available time and resources to working toward what you really want

And for the Leo New Moon tomorrow:
Follow our hearts at this new moon. Set aside time to be with yourself and examine
1 - What you are currently creating and what you wish to create?
2 - What kind of light are you shining? How can you shine your soul light a little brighter?
3 - What is the nature of your soul blueprint? How is it guiding you toward your spiritual destination?

Somehow this brings my thoughts to our paths, whether we consider it spiritual or otherwise. It's so funny how some people will insist that when our paths veer in different directions that they are on a path but we're no longer on a path. If I can say that I believe in anything at all, I can say that I believe that we are all on our own path period. Whatever we choose to call it. Mine is a spiritual path.
As I truly embrace this belief more and more, I also find that I am placing less and less demands on others. If we are all on our own paths, right now, who am I to say that someone should be obligated to me? I don't have the right to ask that of anyone. Nor does anyone have the right to ask it of me. Which is my permission to myself to hibernate or take a break from all the social interaction or participate in the social interactions.

EY

You Can Tell (Entry from W2L blog)

Saturday 10:34am 11Aug07

You can tell when my blogging time gets to be a bit too much for me because it starts to get a little too journaly. I find that I do go through cycles where I'm writing entries that I could have just put in my journal instead of on line. It's good to notice those cycles though. And even better not to beat myself up for them. It is just a cycle and eventually I'll move on to the next one.

I'm moving into hibernation mode a tad early this year. For my five days off I stayed close to home and now, with a few friend's show to see this weekend, I again want to stay close to home. There is a level of anticipation though with my early hibernation mode. The anticipation for that all consuming focus that's just around the corner. I feel an inner shift that I can't quite describe but I'm getting quiet. Maybe it's the voices, you know the ones, that tell you what you could do next. Or remind you of what you want. Or get you to sit still and meditate and connect with the magic in the air. Those voices.

Plus I notice that I've been feeling under the weather far more frequently than normal. Of course it's my body's way of telling me to slow down. Get in touch. Be silent. Listen. If I'm quiet enough, the answers will tumble out of me or toward me or something.

I've got books piled up around the apartment. Books I want to read. Books I want to study. Books that remind me of that passion that blocks out the junk of life, like the power struggles. That passion that steps me outside of the woulda, coulda, shoulda's and into the now and what there is that is good. There is a lot that is good.

I'm feeling nervous about the fall television line up because I don't actually want to tape anything this season. Or not much, anyhow. I'm nervous because, even though I dropped a lot of shows last year compared to the year before, I'm feeling not antagonistic but it's like the television is coming to an end for me. Or more aptly, it needs to.

That's it! The early hibernation mode and the inner voices that are getting louder, and the funny feelings toward the television are all about the question, what am I willing to give up in order to realize my dreams? And it brings me to the simplest realization that it's about change, it's time to make some changes in my life, again. And not a moment too soon either, tomorrow is the new moon, a prime opportunity to start anew.

It's time to make changes and it's time to listen. Sweep away the distractions that seem like a good idea at the time. Listen to my body and slow down. Ask myself , again and again, "what do I want? How do I feel? Where do I want to go?"

My friend Jojo and I discussed her current situation, last week. For the first time, for as long as I've known her, she talked about moving back to her home town. I didn't say that I would miss her tremendously. I didn't say, don't worry everything will work out and you won't have to go home. I didn't say anything that might sway her to consider staying in Toronto. I told her, "you have to do what is the best for you. What is going to soothe your heart? What is going to make you feel better about your life?"

Now, most of my friends would say, 'that's you Shelley, that's the kind of advice you give all of us.' As if it's an easy thing for me to do. On the contrary, inside I'm thinking, 'how am I going to survive not having access to this person in my day to day life?' What the fuck am I going to do?

But over the last few days, with the guilt tripping I often do when I don't have the energy to be the all giving supporter, it's slowly dawning on me. I also have to do what is best for me. What is going to soothe my life? What is going to make me feel better? So I miss a few friend's shows this go round. If I'm the friend that gives that kind of advice to everyone, I need to give it to myself as well.

I'm not the person that I used to be, who dropped everything for everyone. Or who shows up for every single performance and every single reading and party and function. But that is still a big aspect of who I am to people. I like to support people, for sure, but I need to feel free to give myself permission to support myself first.
And the people that I give my support to wholeheartedly will have to understand that in return. And I really have to learn how to stop guilt tripping myself about it, when I don't have it to give. That's the big one.

EY

And Me

9:35am Saturday 4Aug07

With my power struggling frustrations of the last couple weeks and my newest affirmation, I basically came home each day and rewrote my goals to have a more serious focused sense of urgency. Back in the day when I was more worried about work I would have gone out and found another job (and that's not totally out of the question) but these days I feel it's more about my passion. And not in a Tour de France doping scandals cheating kind of passion. Had to add that in.

I've given myself a new weekend goal of five hours of writing before I can go outside to play. If I'm a lazy ass and it takes me all day to get those 5 hours done, well, it sucks to be me.

I am going to get back into checking out the classifieds in the Saturday Star just to see what's out there. You never know, I could end up finding a job that enables me to write more. You have to always be on the lookout in order to be prepared.

I went for a beer Wednesday night because I knew I needed to just sit for a minute before I came home. My plan was to come home and call Montreal to talk to my male bestfriend and chat and laugh. I'm always guaranteed that he will make me laugh. But somehow Wednesday at the bar turned out to be just what I needed. Bartender boy handed me a slice of blueberry pie the moment I came in. Blueberry pie is my favorite. Especially since the blueberry pie craving of 1999 when I ate at least a half a pie for about three months. But I digress.

I chatted with one regular until she left then slid down the bar and chatted with another regular. I had my mingle on. My golfer buddy who is also from Montreal sauntered in and I ended up sitting with him at his table and told him my power struggle story and we flipped back and forth between that and discussing our passions and talking about wasted time and energy and the lack of money and how it can get you so down about yourself and on and on. Everytime it looked like I might be leaving, he bought me another beer. He totally was my surrogate best friend and saved me the long distance call.

And with all that, I'm reminded, that even when it feels like shit is pouring down on you and making you feel stinky, there are sweet little miracles that happen too. People that come out of the woodwork who really hear what you are saying rather than steamrolling you with all their interests. And men! Can I just say that I have seen three of the best looking men I've ever seen in my life and have had conversations with them. That's always a pleasant surprise. A miracle really.

One of the hot men sent me on my way to work yesterday with a spring in my step. I ran into him at the depanneur and he approached me and looked at me like he could have sucked all the meat off my bones. ha ha! It was a nice feeling because he'd remembered me from four years ago and he wasn't looking at me in a gross dirty way and he didn't push it. He told me I looked great then gave my whole body the perusal that spoke volumes. Ah what the heck, yelled volumes. and I liked it. I tell you some guys know how to make you feel like a desirable woman wtihout pushing limits.

And in passing I mentioned to Jojo that I didn't know if I'd make it out over the last couple nights because I was feeling spent and needed to come home and lick my wounds. My girl, kept the contact on high, "do you need me? do you need anything? what can I do for you that'll help?"
And she called me last night when I got home just to make sure that being alone was what I really needed. I promised that I'd be better today and would go and see her (after my five hours of writing of course). Which guarantees a big squishy hug that cracks a few of my bones. ha ha! But it's needed and greatly appreciated.

With the shit storm, It's so nice to know that I have some good supportive people around me.

Anyhow, it's Caribana weekend and I don't quite feel up to the rollerblade over to Jamieson nor the crowds. But it's beautiful weather and my AC has taken the humidity out of my apartment and my cats are nuts but funny and I'm off for 5 days. That's 25 hours of writing, if not more.

Hmm. And I'm craving chicken wings again. I made chicken wings two times this week and am planning to make some more today. ha ha.

EY

Power Struggling Leo

8:48am Saturday 4Aug07

Well, July Leo was all about power struggles. The person who took on the main Leo characteristic of wanting to be the king of the beasts was making a good go at beating me down and proving her point. It brought me back to my childhood, to some extent. I mostly didn't get it, why the one step sister was in such big competition with me, mostly because I wasn't in competition with her. I didn't get that she believed I had some sort of mysterious power that had she paid any real attention she would have seen that power was not one of the things I could have put on my list of stuff that belonged to me.

When I finally got mad in my late teenage years, I came into my own power but that took a good 6 years before I tried those shoes on and a good year before I could walk comfortably in those shoes.

As I look at present day power struggle, I realize that, a portion of it has to do with my looks. When people can't tell how old I am they have a tendency to think I'm 20 years younger than I am. When in a position of power, the people with the power treat a person of 23 years far different than a person of 43 years. And of course there is the assumption that I'm out partying all the time, which the people who don't know me well assume I'm doing. Plus I'm also, God forbid, not married. So clearly that means that I don't have the same level of seriousness as those childbearing marrieds. And finally, just like in childhood, I feel no need to prove myself nor set the record straight.

Believe what you want to believe about me. I feel no need to control your thoughts or perceptions.

As the one who wants the power puts on the pressure, camps are created and my everpresent predictions. If she fucks up she will have the rude awakening when no one covers her ass nor backs her up. I hope to see this prediction happen in Scorpio. Scorpio is such a great time for revenge. Scorpio's as a whole are the best people for remembering a slight and preparing for that one time when they can sting you to death. I'm not wishing this on her, mind you, I just know that it's inevitable. You can only step on so many toes for so long before all hell breaks loose.

And in the meantime, in order to cope, I've written myself a new affirmation:

I believe that the daily frustrations are the Universe's way of telling me to focus all my energy on my writing. Power struggles are a waste of time.

EY

A Religious Experience

Thursday 8:39pm

I was on my lunch sitting outside the tower, eating my yellow peppers and mini carrots and drinking my beet juice. I've been reading Marianne Williamson's book a Return to Love. I'm sitting there quite enjoying the greyness of the day with the nice cool breeze. I was also enjoying the book.

I'd read a little and think about what I'd just read... "if you go deeply enough into your mind, and deeply enough into mine, we have the same mind. The concept of a divine, or "Christ" mind, is the idea that, at our core, we are not just identical, but actually the same being. 'There is only one begotten Son' doesn't mean that someone else was it, and we're not. It means we're all it. There's only one of us here."

I sat and thought about that. Imagine that person that just walked by is me. Imagine that my co worker who works my last nerve is me. It's not like it's something new, I've heard this before but how, if I chose to, could I inhabit that with acceptance?

I read some more: "I accept the Christ within" means, "I accept the beauty within me as who I really am. I am not my weakness. I am not my anger. I am not my small mindedness. I am much, much more. And I am willing to be reminded of who I really am."

And

"our entire network of fearful perceptions, all stemming from that first false belief in our separation from God and one another, is called the ego."

And finally

"remember, there's only one of us here: What we give to others, we give to ourselves. What we withhold from others, we withhold from ourselves. In any moment when we choose fear instead of love, we deny ourselves the experience of Paradise. To the extent that we abandon love, to that extent we will feel it has abandoned us."

I sat and thought about that. How might I put these ideas into practice? How might I make use of them in one of my novels?

I got to the section on the Holy Spirit and read this wee quote, "The Holy Spirit is the call to awaken and be glad."

I looked across the street, then looked between the buildings across the north side of the street at the air and saw water droplets falling. I couldn't really process it. I looked up at one of the buildings insisting that it must be window washers but couldn't see a swingstage. Hmm? I look east and see people running and I can't figure out why they are running. The people all around me are calm and smoking or talking or eating their street meat or whatever. Finally I see that the sidewalk across the street is getting wet. Then On my side of the street but east of me people are running. I look at my clothing to reassure myself that yes I'm really dry, nothing is coming down. Then I lift my head up to the sky directly above me and I think, "Am I having a religious experience? It's raining everywhere except for on me."
No sooner did I think that one of three women says out loud, "Oh My God! It's raining everywhere except over here!"
I burst out laughing, turn and say to her and her friends, "Oh You see that too? I thought I was having a religious experience!"
ha ha.
Then we all screamed, "It's coming!" and ran under the buildings awning.
I stood with them and told them what I was reading about how it's about Christ and God and Love and then this freaky rain thing happens and I'm thinking I'm getting some message from God. I had them in hysterics.

If the rain had stayed off me just long enough, I might be a devout monk now.

EY

Jane Fonda

Note: previous entries mentioned in this entry are on my writing2live blog.

Wednesday 5:34pm

Have I said this about a hundred times? I'm slowly going through my tapes and when I get to Inside the Actor's Studio there is always someone who I think, 'I don't have to watch this one. How interesting will so and so be?' Then I catch the beginning and am engrossed in the whole interview.

Of course that just happened with Jane Fonda. But even better, I watched it this morning and it was so good I rewound the tape to watch it again this afternoon and write notes.

You know so many questions are popping up and out of me lately. Between the Pisces kiss and the subsequent revelations and what made me so mad about it all. I can recall hearing someone saying something along the lines regarding depression that she wanted to make her life less about not being depressed and more about living an intentional life. I can't remember who said it and I never wrote it down because some things that are said just resonate so wholly within my being that I know I don't need to write them down. It's like it inhabits my subconscious in a magnetic sort of way and the right ideas start to stick to me. That's where my idea for embracing my singleness came from.

I don't know if I've expressed embracing my singleness well enough. It's not that I don't want to be with anyone or that I've been overly unhappy alone. I basically said to myself, "what if this is the last time, for the rest of my life, that I will be fully alone? How can I make good use of this time and be able to look back with fondness?"

When I was in constant survival mode and I was between jobs I was always so stressed about finding another job that I never enjoyed the time off work. Then when all worked out and I got a new job I'd always wished that I just relaxed enough to enjoy the time. That's what I'm trying to do now with being single and not having a group of friends to hang out with. Enjoy this time. Discover the things that I really like to do whether I have company or not. Live and enjoy my life despite not having a closet full of money.

Smoking to some extent falls in line with that. There's something that I feel is missing that smoking fills. It's something to focus on to take me away from discovering what that void is that needs to be filled. Jane Fonda talks about addiction and the space that is left when you give up an addiction(s).

My early notes from the first viewing were about her discussing, 'entering my truth'. I had to ask, "what is my truth?" A big question that may take me years to discover a full answer to. Maybe starting off with What do I really feel?

Yesterday morning I caught some police drama on A&E and Anthony LaPaglia's brother is in it and he's trying to get his woman to come in but she won't. I asked out loud, "Why did she bother going there then?" and I felt this ache. I had to ask, What is my ache regarding love? I have one, obviously, but how do I get to the meat of it and past the stories of, "I saw the kind of men my mother was with and what men can do to women" I guess the question is, 'How do I live MY life now with all the love I have to give and actually give it?'

My madness toward the man and his kiss is that I am coming to realize that I feel good enough about myself that I know that what he is offering is bullshit and that he would think it's okay to only offer me scraps that you give a dog. And because I can see different points of view, I'm even madder about the fact that he is with a woman who may or may not know that he is giving HER dog scraps. There's nothing wrong with being a dog but be a single dog and give women the opportunity to say yes or no.

Jane Fonda talked about her first marriage to a man who regularly brought other women into their bed with them. I wrote quickly, "not feeling good enough about yourself enought that you would allow a man to bring another woman into bed with the two of you. Feeling that the only way she could keep this man was to accept that she wasn't enough for him."

It's funny, it always brings me back to what I've always said since I was a kid watching my mother, "I'd rather be alone than suffer through that shit for the sake of having a man."
Jane also said, "It's in relationships where a loss of voice manifests."

Ahh! A loss of voice. I write to give myself voice, even if it's only my eyes that see the words...for now anyway. I leave men when I feel that I can't express my true voice, what I need, what I want, what I feel is missing. I've always wanted to have a relationship, it just so happens, that I've needed to be able to hear my voice more than be in a relationship.

With all my insecurities and feelings that I am so fucked up (I'm not denying that I'm not fucked up) I am discovering that I am more than enough. I do not need to be with someone who convinces me that I'm not enough for his own gains. And isn't there a piece of fiction following a man and a woman through that all? Where the man really sees what he has done to his woman because he could, because she let him, because she didn't think she was enough to keep him.

It takes me back to that question I blogged several weeks ago, "Can I trust you with my heart?" It's not that I can't commit. I can't commit to feeling not good enough and so I don't.

More quotes from Jane Fonda's interview, whose book I want to read, by the way:

"He would bring other women into our bed and it never occurred to me that I could say no. I assumed that it was that I wasn't enough and I didn't want him to leave me and being with him is what validated me. "

"I've come from a place where I would silence my voice, shut down my heart, betray my body because if he left me I would be nothing and fall down into a dark hole."

"I couldn't say to my husband. 'I don't want to anymore.' I couldn't say who I really was because I was scared of being alone."

"the need to please, the disease to please, the need to be perfect, is so pervasive in our society for women... usher perfection out the door and strive for completion."

"I don't want to die without giving voice to my wholeness with the man I love."

"What is more important to me is my authenticity. Being intentional about how I live."

"I don't want to have regrets at the end of my life. What will I have to do now so that I won't have regrets and then it's about being intentional about how you live, the way you live. It's painful but it's the right thing to do."

She was amazing and can I just say that when ever the camera panned the audience the women were wiping away tears.

And she said it, she is a privileged white woman and she still felt that she wasn't good enough. That's pretty powerful when you really think about that.

EY

Inside our heads

Monday 25June07
I've started reading A Return to Love (Reflections on the Principles of A Course In Miracles) by Marianne Williamson. I've been wanting to read A Course in Miracles but my focus still isn't there for it. For some reason, I still like the interpretations of it, like comments that Wayne Dyer has made and now Marianne's book.

In it, I had to laugh at her comment, "what I learned from A Course in Miracles is that the change we're really looking for is inside our heads.' It fit perfectly with my dealing with Talk Show Host today. When I stopped insisting that he shouldn't be that way, when I changed how I react to him everything changed for me.

I realize that he gets it too. Not once has he ever asked me why I don't respond to his incessant questioning. When I don't play his game he walks away. If his questions were so important he would ask me again but he never does.

EY

My Two Cents

Monday 25June07

I wrote an entry in my other blog awhile back about having an epiphany about staying in one place versus running away. (click this link to read it)

The thing about staying put is that you do have to find a way to cope with naturally argumentative people. Talk show host is one of those difficult people I have to deal with at work. He has a shit disturber mentality. He likes to tell you that Harry said such and such about you then get you all worked up to the point where you say something about Harry. Then he'll run off to Harry to tell him what you said. He'll run back and forth until you and Harry confront each other over some non existent situation orchestrated by Talk show host. It makes him laugh, that's why he does it. He is truly gifted. You wouldn't believe how easily you can get drawn in.

He's been pulling these pranks on the guys for years and can still get a guy or two riled up. After every instance each person will say , "I don't know how I let him get me into this again. I should know better. I should know him by now."

I've been caught in his sticky web a number of times to the point of yelling with the veins popping out of my head. He has a way of putting things so innocently that you don't even realize he's doing what he's doing until it's too late. After so many times of coming home mad as hell and asking myself what I'm going to do to cope with this person I've finally figured out my own way.

If he asks a question, I answer the initial question and when he fires off the next question, I either claim, "I don't know," or I just don't answer him. I turn my attention and do something else as if he never said a word. Rude as it may sound, it's been working for me. Silence really is golden.

Today he asked, "Did you see the gay pride parade?"
I answered, "I didn't do the parade this year."
He said in an inappropriately loud voice, "I didn't ask if you did the parade, I asked if you saw it."

Normally my disposition is geared towards saying something like, "you know what I meant," and that would give him the opportunity to have our conversation escalate to me being angry and him having his big laugh at my expense. Instead I just shrugged my shoulders and walked away keeping my two cents to myself.

I realize that it's my need to be right that used to catch me up in his web. But happily enough my need to stay calm and have peace has superseded my need to be right. I find it's helped me to not only cope with this person but not get caught up in his constant bullshit.
There are some people you just have to write off for your own sanity. And my sanity is worth more than being right.

EY

My Confession - Patience

Saturday 24Mar07 11:04am

I caught the movie, Green Fingers, this morning. In it the old guy Fergus gets Clive Owen's character to plant violet seeds in an area where no one could believe that they could ever grow. Come spring the violets have grown and Fergus makes a comment about finding beauty in the most unlikely places. He suggests that Clive Owen's character (Luke?) find a way to learn how to embrace the adversity in his life even though they are prisoners.

Something made me think about the qualities we want to develop in ourselves. My latest quality of the last year or so has become patience. Not the losing your temper kind of patience but the long term patience of seeing things through. Of course when ever you decide on a certain quality you come face to face with it in a major way.

I am known for being uncommitted when it comes to relationships with men. Part of it is because I've been disappointed so often and for so long that I'd basically given up. If the truth be known. Why wish for something if it feels like it's not destined to ever happen in your life? It seems ridiculous to me. So I stopped wishing and worse yet, believing.

I met a man in December 2005. We were introduced in passing by a mutual friend. There was something about him the moment I saw him that I liked. I can recall thinking, "He's cute in a different way. I'd go out with him. He probably wouldn't look twice at me."

In February of 2006 our paths crossed again and over the last year we've become more friendly and have learned bits and pieces about each other. My original appraisal of him has turned into a full fledged crush. Of course nothing can be that simple in my life. With things not happening fast enough in my opinion I looked for other distractions i.e. other men to be interested in. I stayed away from him. I ignored him. I closed my thinking to him.

The male distractions never bore fruit in any substantial way. I was never that interested, my heart wasn't in it. I could care less if it worked out one way or the other. I finally read the signs and dropped all the distractions.

Over the last five months or longer I've resurfaced admitting to myself finally that I can't really get this person out of my head. I want to know more about him. I want to know if he's a worthwhile human being. I want to know what kind of man he is. And I've witnessed some pretty consistent remarkable things. Nothing has developed still and yet so much has developed.
I always have all these questions I want to ask him and all thoughts escape my mind whenever I come face to face. He does and says things that are quite sweet and leaves me wondering when action will follow or if any action will action follow.

He has become my patience meter. There are certain people that come into your life and you just know what purpose your connection to eachother is met. His purpose in my life is to teach me that long term patience (maybe even the patience of Job!) I've gone from running far away from him to that high school confusion of, "Does he like me?" Finally I've reached an inner calm (still with a sense of urgency) that acknowledges that whatever happens will happen. We could become great friends, something deeper, or we'll disappear out of each other's lives. Who really knows about anyone you meet, what your relationship could become?

Maybe it's not how long a relationship lasts or what it develops into but who I become because of it.

EY

Living My Best Life

Friday 9:19pm 9Mar07

I'm feeling real good tonight. I'm finding myself being more friendly with complete strangers. I'm finding the joke in most situations. I feel like I'm in love, but I'm not. I like the thought of being in love with someone but I think I'm falling in love with myself actually. I'm falling in love with myself because I'm finding ways to share myself with others the way that I want to. I feel more optimistic about everything. I'm falling in love with myself because I'm getting in touch with, 'this is who I am, take me or leave me'. I'm feeling more comfortable about being a flawed person and it feels good.

I'm finding that as I delve into my own insecurities I keep coming back up from them and seeing my life to be more fun even the waiting and figuring out if the guy that I've liked and have been getting to know for a year likes me back. Yeah, I'm feeling like a teenager, in that respect!

I started taping Oprah. I figured since I was taping Inside the Actor's Studio everyday I might as well tape Oprah. Tonight I caught her episode on women and aging. I was cracking up at some of the things the women said and feeling thrilled about some of the others. Like Diane Sawyer saying that at 60 years old she's finally realized that she needs to have time for herself. Diahann Carroll realizing that she'd never been without a man in her whole adult life and has actually learned how to love being alone and not having to report to someone. Also taking the reins and calling a man to fulfill her needs and not being invested in the outcome. And finally, depending on her friends more. All of those things I've figured out by being alone, by being the person that never jumped into new relationships the moment a relationship ended, taking the time to grieve the end of a relationship before I got involved with someone else.

My so-called embarrassing (or pity causing) singlehood has taught me how to be on my own and take care of myself and like myself and these women are saying that's something they've learned or embraced in their 60's! Heck, I got all that stuff out of the way and I'm only 43!

I'm finding my balance with people as a whole, in friendships and with men. After Oprah mentioned living your best life I thought, that's it, I'm learning how to live my best life. My rituals are defining who I am or I'm defining who I am through my rituals. I've always known that I wasn't going to be able to do everything the way my mother did. I was never going to the same king of selfless person that she was. I have a level of selflessness but I also need to be self focused. That is an extension of writing. I have to be able to focus on myself in order to take the time to write. There has to be a certain amount of self focus or setting that priority of putting myself first in order to set the priority of writing. I am in my writing. I write to absorb life and understand life. I write to analyze how I feel. I write because my imagination is out of control. I write because I'm interested and I love life's mysteries and I love to write.

I loved when Christina Yang said to Doctor Burke on Grey's Anatomy that she was a surgeon. That he was important to her and being a surgeon was important to her. She was telling him that she wasn't going to give up her career nor give him up. She wasn't going to be the woman that stays home while her husband is out in the trenches. She was going to be out in the trenches with him. She said, "we can hire a wife!" I loved what she said because women are discovering that they want the man but they don't want to be the house maid. We can hire people to clean the house and cook the meals and do all the other chores that most of us end up taking care of because, let's be honest, most men still don't share in taking care of the chores. I loved what Christina Yang said because I've always known that I didn't want to be the wife, not in the conventional sense anyway. I don't love doing housework. I'm not interested in running a ship shape household. I just don't care about it. I'm impressed with people who do, but I don't. Somehow she validated it for me in my feminine consciousness. This is who I am, take it or leave it. That was a big insecurity for me, how can I be a whole woman and not want to do all the things that are supposedly within a woman's domain?

I'm a whole woman exactly the way I am. My mother always got a kick out me. She was in awe of my opinions and my independence but boy she'd be proudly jealous of the woman I've become.

I'm still amazed at how good I feel just from the memory of my birthday a full week later. Read about it here and here.

EY