Being Here

The above quote and picture came from Jovian Archive

I'm feeling like I'm in 2015 energy and out of 2014 energy. Thank goodness. I was happy to see that year behind me. Mind you, It was a big learning year for me but you know what that often means right? The learning curve came with much pain. But like that GoDaddy.com commercial that makes me laugh 2014 can stick it! Stick it! Ha-ha!

I'm in my personal 3 year of Numerology and although I don't have many notes on my previous personal 3 years there are some great themes:

1988 - at 24 years old - I left my job as a nanny to 8 children.
I started a part time job at a bowling alley where I subsequently got bar-tending experience that experience subsequently got me a job as a waitress/bartender and then restaurant assistant manager and brought me downtown. And a co-worker at that job got me into working at a performing arts centre of which I've had a job within the performing arts either full-time or part-time ever since. You just don't know the gifts one little part-time job can give you. All the theatre and musicals and dance that I've watched because of my jobs and the people I've met including eventually my Australians!

I met one of the Warren Beatty's of Straight for Knife blog entry that year.

1997 - at 33 years old - I ditched the other Warren Beatty once and for all.
I spread my mom's ashes in Montreal

2006 - at 42 years old - It was a fun year.
I worked the final children's festival of one of the performing arts centres that I'd worked at for over 10 years. Every children's festival I'd worked I'd always get scheduled with the crappy guy. Everyone would be scheduled with their buddies and they'd ask me, "what did you do wrong that you have to suffer that punishment?" When I finally brought it up on the previous year, I was told that not every one could be scheduled with their friends. "You have to understand that we need people in specific places. It's not personal." But EVERY YEAR?!?
So for the final year I gave availability that made it impossible for me to be scheduled in the shitty position. It was my nice way of saying that the years of taking advantage of my accommodating nature were over.

And now we're in 2015 and I'm thinking of my personal 3 options. Thinking of what no longer serves me. Those were the themes of the previous 3 years. How might I begin something new, with a foot in the door, and what gifts might come with that beginning? Or better yet, what invitations might come with my preparation for them?

As I move into 2015 energies, I feel like I resolved the issues and blocks of the previous Warren Beatty with the help of George Clooney. He really did serve a fine purpose. I'm living comfortably with the knowledge that he is not for me. I've watched myself through a very important cycle, a full cycle with him. I don't feel any bitterness about it whatsoever and I understand emotionally that my cycle (It's actually called a wave in Human Design) is at the very least one full year. The brilliant thing is that we've gotten to a point where I can ask him questions and he answers them. It's like that episode of Sex & the City when Burger tells Miranda, "He's just not that into you." And she says,"Thank you! That information is so freeing."
Why doesn't he call when he says he's going to? He's just not that into you...

Old things I've learned about myself prior to starting this Human Design journey are being confirmed again and again with the HD experiment.

Things like:
- I need to know what a person wants from me so I can say either yes or no. In HD, it's the invitations of course there's the proper recognition of me that goes hand in hand.

- Something my mother told me when I was a young child, "You have to learn how to play solitaire. You have to know how to have fun all by yourself." In HD, it's what do I do while I wait for the invitations.

- I've always had a delayed reaction before I know how I feel. It can take me days to know How I really feel about a situation. In HD, My delayed reaction is my emotional wave.

- Be seen and not heard; Don't speak until spoken to. A childhood mantra I was raised on. And ironically enough in HD it's about me not initiating. I have to wait for the invitation. I have to be recognized first otherwise it's disastrous.

- Whenever I'm really happy in my life and I've got things going on is when men/people/friends approach me. In HD, the best quote that resonated with me is, "A Projector happily engaged and intrigued pulls the interest of others to them." I'm the person quietly reading on a flight somewhere and every body keeps asking, "What are you reading?" or saying, "Oh you look engrossed."

- I've always been an aloof person. I've never been one who makes friends quickly because I know that the energy of the wrong people wears me out. In HD, Tune into subtle energies to get the cooperation and attention to fulfill your purpose. Pause to assess situations and intentions of others.


So yes, Human Design is still on my roster. I think I'll make another blog entry to discuss my Head Center which has cleared up my mental anxieties because -- they weren't mine!

I usually have a specific theme for my year or a knowledge of what it will be but so far it feels wide open. When I listen to my intuition I hear words like Love, Self-Care, Faith. Faith has been coming up a lot. But more like faith in the process. I get a sensing, they tell me, 'it looks like chaos but have faith. When it's time, you'll understand.'
So I believe, I surrender, I find my faith.

There's a newness. It's like everything has been interwoven and all I have to do right now is simply Be Here.
Be here with the noise. Be here with the peace. Be here.
And as I'm here, I bring music with me. Where last year's playlist was called, Lift me Up, and it was filled with gospel music and songs of positivity this year's playlist is called , FUNK, and it's all about dancing.

I haven't talked about dreams in a long time. Hmm, Have I ever? LOL! Anyway, I've kept dream journals since I was in my early 20s. Dec 1996 is when my mom passed away, which was my personal 2 year and last year was my personal 2 year. In my dream on the early morning of the day of her death, last December, I dreamt about pandas. Playful, baby, pandas. I got off the public transit to help their caregivers coral them all to safety because they were running around playfully in the streets. One of the pandas jumped into my arms for a cuddle.

I love bears. I've always known that one of my animal spirits is the bear. It's been interchangeably a black or brown bear. It's been with me since childhood. When I'm/ it's scared it rushes at what scares us, then stands up on its hind legs and makes itself as big as possible. It lets you know don't fuck with us. We will do damage. It only comes out then. It came out most recently a couple summers ago when a man scared me in the grocery store. He backed away quickly. There is a polar bear too that joined up with us around 2006 but that bear is really quiet, still. The elephants joined me around 2010 (Thursday and Good Friday). There are quite a few elephants I still don't know how many. And Ganesha joined me by 2011, I think. The baby Ganesha in my dreams. A little playful guy, really adorable, who I could sense was telling me, "I go where ever you go." And a giant, adult Ganesha who leans in the doorway when I go for my massages and simply waits for me so I can really go deep into my relaxation.

And the cuddling, baby pandas that my mother sent me on the anniversary of her death. I originally thought it was simply to help me to cope with the day especially since I'd had nightmares every night leading up to the date. Because Pandas? Adorable! :-D But then as I researched pandas I realized that Panda is my animal spirit for my Human Design journey. So many of the things that my mother taught me, when I was a child, that upset me, are now turning out to be the perfect training for this Projector trip.

The Panda is about finding pleasure in what you are doing, not multi-tasking or over-working or being busy. Conserving energy; waiting and patience. And they can be as fierce as a tiger (the projector anger or bitterness.)


Dancing and Waiting Patiently and Being Here.

EY

What are my Questions?

3Jan15 Saturday

There's a bit of a blizzard outside. Our first for 2015. a perfect Saturday afternoon is being able to look out the window at the blizzard and not be in it. haha!


I'm still quietly moving along with my experiential learning of Human Design. Knowing the centers are next on my list to incorporate on the experiment I've been living. It's so funny too because I finally came up with an answer yesterday that brought the pendulum swinging from the extremes down into the middle territory.

You know how New Years go, I've been thinking about my focus in my Personal 3 year. Now that I've resolved some of the stuff of 2014 how do I move forward? With the Straight for the Knife guy, (S for KG Blog entry), we seem to have found a comfortable space with each other. He's opened up a whole lot and I notice something about myself.

I am filled with so many questions. I always have been. It's the questions that pull me out of my retreat to help others. It's the questions that I feel so strongly that I need to find the answers to. The questions can distract me and I can run off for years taking care of the wrong people, not being focused on myself.

You're having troubles with your in-laws? What solutions can I help you find to make your relationships with them work? Or how can we find the words for you to approach this subject with your husband/wife without alienating him or making him feel he has to choose between you and his parents? I am not well! ha-ha!

With the Knife guy, after a year of interesting interactions, we have more and more honest conversations everyday. In my maze of questions I've had many questions for him. Not about me, mind you, but questions on how to solve some of his situations. It's so weird because I'm at a rubbery detached place with him. I'm willing to be friendly. I understand that given our situation, how we are often thrown together, I have to find my comfortable place. I can no longer have designs on this person. And that's where the rubbery detached comes in because I am detached but I know how easy it is for me to be drawn back in.

We've had a couple weeks break from each other and I notice that his questions keep jumping around in my thoughts. His questions. How am I going to remain detached when I keep asking myself these questions? I'm involved in this. I have a stake in figuring things out.

Last night I journaled about energy. I've always noticed energy but in 2014 I made it more of a study. Sometimes I can feel anxious when I'm around a certain group of people and then I realize I'm not actually anxious I'm simply feeling the energy of the group. There's the energy of the wall, the closed down energy of workers towards their boss. There's the energy of fear that filters through the group. It was with the fear, one day, when I mentioned a few things/actions of others that went with it, the person looked at me like I was crazy and I realized, you can't feel that? Not every one can feel energy in the way that I do.

I spent serious time asking myself in 2014, 'Is this my energy?'

I spent time noticing energies that were inviting. Energies that spoke. There was a moment when I slipped with my boss after he'd asked me how I was and I started to complain about a work frustration and I felt his energy say,"Fuck! Why did I ask her that?" ha-ha! I stopped in mid-sentence and ended with, "I'll figure it out," so he could make a hasty retreat from my office. Which he did.

It's funny. It brings me back to being a quiet child. The time my mother said to her party guests, "If Shelley doesn't talk to you then I know there's something wrong. That child has a sense about her."

So as I come back to an old realization that I feel these energies and not everyone can feel them in the way that I do, yesterday I finally asked, What is my question?

If I'm going to find a way to remain detached from this person who has to be in my life I have to realize that all these questions are not my questions. They're his questions.

To remain detached from him and from everyone who distracts me, I have to ask myself, what are my questions?
If these are your questions, do I have to answer them? NO! If this is the energy of the room or the group, do I need to take it on? No. I just simply observe, wait for an invitation or not, accept it or not.

As we move into the new year energies and we get back to near daily contact I can go in and ask myself, is that my question? What is my question?

And that crazy rigmarole is me approaching learning about the Head (Crown) center and Ajna (Mind) center.
Being focused on other peoples inspiration, answering other peoples questions.
Both of my centers are undefined. Defined is when they are coloured in and undefined is when they are open or white. Obviously there's different meanings if they're defined or undefined.

So that's what I'm dealing with for the next while. Reading about centers and testing the information experientially as part of my experiment.

EY