There's a bit of a blizzard outside. Our first for 2015. a perfect Saturday afternoon is being able to look out the window at the blizzard and not be in it. haha!
I'm still quietly moving along with my experiential learning of Human Design. Knowing the centers are next on my list to incorporate on the experiment I've been living. It's so funny too because I finally came up with an answer yesterday that brought the pendulum swinging from the extremes down into the middle territory.
You know how New Years go, I've been thinking about my focus in my Personal 3 year. Now that I've resolved some of the stuff of 2014 how do I move forward? With the Straight for the Knife guy, (S for KG Blog entry), we seem to have found a comfortable space with each other. He's opened up a whole lot and I notice something about myself.
I am filled with so many questions. I always have been. It's the questions that pull me out of my retreat to help others. It's the questions that I feel so strongly that I need to find the answers to. The questions can distract me and I can run off for years taking care of the wrong people, not being focused on myself.
You're having troubles with your in-laws? What solutions can I help you find to make your relationships with them work? Or how can we find the words for you to approach this subject with your husband/wife without alienating him or making him feel he has to choose between you and his parents? I am not well! ha-ha!
With the Knife guy, after a year of interesting interactions, we have more and more honest conversations everyday. In my maze of questions I've had many questions for him. Not about me, mind you, but questions on how to solve some of his situations. It's so weird because I'm at a rubbery detached place with him. I'm willing to be friendly. I understand that given our situation, how we are often thrown together, I have to find my comfortable place. I can no longer have designs on this person. And that's where the rubbery detached comes in because I am detached but I know how easy it is for me to be drawn back in.
We've had a couple weeks break from each other and I notice that his questions keep jumping around in my thoughts. His questions. How am I going to remain detached when I keep asking myself these questions? I'm involved in this. I have a stake in figuring things out.
Last night I journaled about energy. I've always noticed energy but in 2014 I made it more of a study. Sometimes I can feel anxious when I'm around a certain group of people and then I realize I'm not actually anxious I'm simply feeling the energy of the group. There's the energy of the wall, the closed down energy of workers towards their boss. There's the energy of fear that filters through the group. It was with the fear, one day, when I mentioned a few things/actions of others that went with it, the person looked at me like I was crazy and I realized, you can't feel that? Not every one can feel energy in the way that I do.
I spent serious time asking myself in 2014, 'Is this my energy?'
I spent time noticing energies that were inviting. Energies that spoke. There was a moment when I slipped with my boss after he'd asked me how I was and I started to complain about a work frustration and I felt his energy say,"Fuck! Why did I ask her that?" ha-ha! I stopped in mid-sentence and ended with, "I'll figure it out," so he could make a hasty retreat from my office. Which he did.
It's funny. It brings me back to being a quiet child. The time my mother said to her party guests, "If Shelley doesn't talk to you then I know there's something wrong. That child has a sense about her."
So as I come back to an old realization that I feel these energies and not everyone can feel them in the way that I do, yesterday I finally asked, What is my question?
If I'm going to find a way to remain detached from this person who has to be in my life I have to realize that all these questions are not my questions. They're his questions.
To remain detached from him and from everyone who distracts me, I have to ask myself, what are my questions?
If these are your questions, do I have to answer them? NO! If this is the energy of the room or the group, do I need to take it on? No. I just simply observe, wait for an invitation or not, accept it or not.
As we move into the new year energies and we get back to near daily contact I can go in and ask myself, is that my question? What is my question?
And that crazy rigmarole is me approaching learning about the Head (Crown) center and Ajna (Mind) center.
Being focused on other peoples inspiration, answering other peoples questions.
Both of my centers are undefined. Defined is when they are coloured in and undefined is when they are open or white. Obviously there's different meanings if they're defined or undefined.
So that's what I'm dealing with for the next while. Reading about centers and testing the information experientially as part of my experiment.
It's an energetic invitation. the energetic invitations always get me in trouble. I'm learning that I can no longer entertain an energetic invitation.
You know the ones. He hovers around the vicinity a little longer, past the end of a valid request. I have to ask every single time, "Did you need something else?"
He has a little grin. Shy. He looks up like he's seriously thinking about the answer and then , "No ,no, I think that's it."
I'm a little slow. I never think anyone is interested in me until I think someone is interested in me. He has to hover a long time and consistently before I even start to clue in.
The energetic inviter is really the guy who uses innuendo as his weapon. He never comes right out and says anything specific. His interest hangs in the air waiting for me to meet up with it. My problem is that I believe that if he shows an interest and I have a reciprocating interest, my natural move is to show enough of an interest as acknowledgement that I'm willing to at least start the dance. Nothing is ever that simple.
I have marveled at the amount of people who jump into relationships quickly and have long-term relationships. I have never been that person. It has never been as simple as meeting a guy and it goes from there. Never!
The gift in all of this interaction with the hovering man is having him as a practice person to work my Human Design out on. The importance is in understanding how detrimental it can be plugging into the wrong person. Allowing the wrong person into my personal life.
I swear I was listening to this Sia song one night and I found it to be the perfect metaphor a charming, seemingly shy man who shows up and gets a Projector woman's hopes up ...I've put the lyrics in quotes.
Put on my best dress, I wanted to impress
I put a little make-up on
Put a bow in my hair, wore pretty underwear
hoping you might take it off
Don't know your etiquette but
I'm strapped to my chair, and it ain't 'cos you're pretty
You were charming, until
You saw your chance to kill, your chance to make history.
I've been reading about Projectors. The warning is that we wait so long between invitations that we get excited when we are finally invited. I think that is where the energetic invitations get me in trouble. I know it's an invitation. We both know it's an invitation. But there is a missing ingredient.
I'm so cheerfully willing to get to know this man and it's like the moment I show that willingness he becomes too sure of himself. Like I'm a done deal when I'm so far from it. Buddy I have to get to know you first.
It's funny how I can be the most difficult person to get to know with people in general. With non-romantic options, I can make it next to impossible to get to know me. I understand how people can wear me out so I don't accept too many people into my personal space. I know how much I give emotionally to my people and how trying it can be. I'm always at the ready to be there whenever I'm needed. I can't be that person for just anyone. With a man, if I've asked myself about my level of interest, I can be so willing to believe that what I want is possible, if he'd just...
There have been some great signs from him but they are simply short lived. His follow through is a mess. A chaotic, confusing mess.
And so we approach the beginning of the end. I lose faith in him.
You went straight for the knife, and I prepared to die
your blade it shines
looked me straight in the eye, you turned the gas on high
held the flame alight, you wonder why
I'm scared of fire
you wonder why you make girls cry.
I've listened to Ra Uru Hu's recording about Projectors and some of what I loved was that he said, "You know that you know about the other." There can be a sense that it's not the proper recognition, not the right person but I ignore it. I want to try to make things fit. Ra's comment that I re-wrote in my notes, "I am here to recognize when the right person shows up. I don't go to find him. The other is so important and it's often the wrong other - which puts a projector into bitterness. We do a lousy job in picking partners because we shouldn't look for them, we are here to be found."
I've wondered if he was just trying to see if he could get my interest. And that was all he needed.
I can remember with an ex-boyfriend how I could always tell when he was talking to a woman on the phone. It was that tone of voice.
It's that innuendo. He had a girlfriend, me, why did he need to speak to other women in that tone of voice? Was he setting up the groundwork to have someone at the ready if things didn't work out with us?
This man talks to me in that certain way that's not professional and not that of just a buddy.
When we have contact with each other, everything is so intense. It's a good intense. It makes me feel alive, it makes me feel good. And there is a promise of more to come, like he means it and then there is radio silence. The contact is unpredictable. Never there when I say okay to his promise, always there when I don't seem to care about his promise. It's such a great lesson for me because I've dated this guy repeatedly. The more this man is around me and not around me I see so clearly this timeline of the same boyfriends who I had the inkling weren't for me but I went out with them anyway. I call it George Clooney in the Role of Warren Beatty.
I love the information about Projectors plugging into others. Aside from what I mentioned earlier about how people can wear me out, that part I understand, the scary part is when it feels good and then it's abruptly pulled away. I wrote in my journal, "Maybe it's just an addiction to your energy. We all know about addictions, right? They are not good for us. They deplete us. They shame us."
My Mascara a mess, harsh words for your princess
boy, you and your promises
if your goal was to love, you scored an epic mess
now you'll just have memories
Projectors, we think a person is one thing and they are something else.
It was the day that I called him a nick name that he didn't love. I said I'd decided that he would be my little brother. I wasn't just putting him in the friend zone, I was putting him in the not an option for sexual intimacy zone. Only then did he volunteer that he was in a non serious relationship, aka friends with benefits, more harshly, fuck-buddies. Projectors are not meant to be fuck buddies. I don't think. Anyway it's not my game, not my thing. It certainly doesn't endear me to a man.
Men who have fuck buddies learn how to treat women like they are disposable. That kind of man doesn't know what to do when he gets a good woman. He's so used to picking the low hanging fruit he doesn't know how to make the effort to pick the fruit from the top of the tree and he doesn't feel like he has to bother.
You went straight for the knife, and I prepared to die
your blade it shines
looked me straight in the eye, you turned the gas on high
held the flame alight, you wonder why
I'm scared of fire
you wonder why you make girls cry
Boy, you draw me back in
I'm hungry for your bad loving
but will someone find me swinging from the rafters
from hanging on your every word.
The lesson brings me in so many directions.
How good an energy from another person can feel that can pull me into a dangerous place emotionally. What I know about myself and learned long before Human Design is that my recovery time is long. I've never been the person who went out with a lot of men or jumped from relationship to relationship because I'm not built for it.
An energy can feel so good that I can lead myself to believe that he'll improve, he'll change, if I just wait it out. He just doesn't know what he wants yet, right? Ha!
When I was in my 20's I had the energy to date this guy. That was how I learned what I know now. When I was 22 and he talked to other women with that tone of voice, I just had to be cool, not jealous, he'd realize that I was the catch. He simply needed to sow his wild oats. When I was 25 and he wasn't a person of his word, I thought if I acted cool he would come around more consistently. I knew never to make a big deal about it. I knew that it was up to me, it was my behaviour that would get him to change his.
I was well-versed in all the ways to take my own recognition out of the equation. I forgot about my own power because I was so busy feeling insecure chasing after people who didn't value or recognize me.
I've played a lot with this interaction. I've tested my feelings within his energy. I see how the energy pull is so easy to get swallowed up in. I can easily be pulled back in. The moment I feel that I mention his fuck buddy to him but I call her his girlfriend.
"Oh you went scuba diving this weekend? Did you go with your girlfriend?"
"I don't have a girlfriend."
Girlfriend is my safe word. It's the reality check that helps me to stay in my field of knowing that I have to reject this person. He is just a test.
I firmly believe the quote from Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist, "What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream."
I feel like this whole interaction falls into that quote. The best part is that the man has become more and more beautiful to look at as the months have passed. He has become more physically attractive. I swear he's grown taller. ha-ha! It wouldn't be a good test, a good lesson otherwise.
You went straight for the knife, and I prepared to die
your blade it shines
looked me straight in the eye, you turned the gas on high
held the flame alight, you wonder why
I'm scared of fire
you wonder why you make girls cry.
In my journal I wrote, Reading Paulo Coehlo's the Alchemist and the boy meets Fatima and ultimately admits that he will have to leave to seek his treasure but he will be back for her. That whole sequence brought me to writing this: I've always known I'd have to wait and the fearful question was, 'What if I have to wait forever? What if he never comes back? (that's the Great Gatsby and Wuthering Heights - He came back but neither woman waited). Now I understand that it's in the recognition of the other that will tell me and how I feel will help me to decide.
With George Clooney (this current man), the Universe is asking me, Have you learned your lesson? Are you willing to love yourself this time around? And when you put it that way, I have to love myself. I have to step forward, then step away and not look back.
With Warren Beatty (the ex), most recently, I have had to keep rejecting him and rejecting him and his invitations have been filled with full out recognition of the type of person I am. But in my heart, I've had to turn him down because he has never given me the one consistent show of action that he meant what he said. I've found that I will have to do the same with George Clooney.
My confession is that I am sad because he is so beautiful and physical and macho. He is such a guy. And boy do I ever want to know what he's like in every possible way... to feel the way he would touch me...AND THAT'S WHERE THE TROUBLE BEGINS!!! All those good feelings go with a man who cherishes me and protects my delicate, sensitive heart. A man who recognizes me and gives me the formal invitation that is just right for me.
