The Pressure to Clone

I walk to work. I've got my Ipod ears on. I find that right rhythm in my step and I observe. How different we are.

Yesterday morning it was still a little warm out after a long weekend of near Summer temperatures. I know it's going to be cold though, later at night, when I'm heading home from my part time gig. It's going to go from a 17 degrees celsius to a 4 degrees and wind. I'm wearing my quilted Canada jacket that I wear through most of the winter unless it's those real polar bear frigid temperatures.

I round the corner through the University grounds and come across a University student, she's wearing a tank and shorts jumpsuit and flip flops. I smile. I love our differences when the weather is in transition. I can stand at the corner waiting for the street light to change from red to green and there's a person in a jump suit, a person in a full on winter coat and toque. I'm always amused by the winter coat and the flip flops combination. Is that like sleeping with one leg sticking out of the covers to balance out your body temperature?

This morning Frankie Flowers (on Breakfast Television) announced there was a windchill. I'm getting ready for work, assessing how I'm going to dress, "A windchill? What the? I'm putting on a turtle neck and I don't care if anyone mocks me."

People watching, this morning, left me zipping my Canada jacket right up and turning up the neck for a little more protection. I did a little shiver shake looking at pretty sundresses and bare feet in flip flops and shorts and t-shirts. "dese peeples cray-zay!"

I remember the year I worked with a manager Jessica who as I walked into the office first thing in the morning, without saying good morning first said, "You're dressed ridiculously, it's not THAT cold out!"
I snapped back, "Yes you're right. I'm dressed this way because I'm seeking attention. I should dress the way you say I should dress because you're not cold."
Then I gave her that cold stare that I have in the morning, that 'don't piss me off first thing in the morning because I have no filters' stare.

We are so different. And yet we tend to question each other with the underlying tone of, "why aren't we the same?" Why aren't I like you, why aren't you like me?

I've been really practicing relaxing into my life this year. Part of my theme this year is to be present. Being present brings me to interesting places.
In my mind, I start with the t-shirt, shorts and flip flops. I go through those few questions, "Doesn't he know there's a windchill? Does he really think that's appropriate clothing for this weather? What's he going to wear when it's actually hot out?"

Then all of a sudden, my mind goes swimming. All of these thoughts brush up against me.

It's cold for me. Me. So I dress appropriately for how it feels to me. What if every single person I see is dressed appropriately for how the weather feels for them?
"It's not THAT cold out!" for them

This little monologue goes off in my mind. We can't really expect everyone to wear the same kind of layers, to walk around all bundled up, to wear the same type of clothes as we are. Like clones.

I digress to the question, has anyone watched the series Orphan Black? Not only am I in love with Tatiana Maslany because she is a superstar in that show, she plays a bunch of clones. And the clones are very different.

For us though, clones would be identical in every way. Weren't the clones in Michael Keaton's movie multiplicity all the same?
My mind bounces over to the pressure to be clones.

If you're single you're constantly asked if you've met someone because we're all meant to be with someone, right?
If you're with someone you're constantly asked when you're getting married because we're all meant to marry that particular person we're with. None of us has ever dated anyone before the person we're with.
If you're married you're constantly asked when you're going to have kids because no couple has ever made it past child-bearing years without having children.
If you live in an apartment why don't you buy a condo? If you live in a condo, when are you going to buy a house?
You know that saying there's no stupid questions? All of those are stupid questions.

One of the topics in my Human Design study brings up frequently how we are raised to live as the other (not ourselves, HD calls it Notself).
We're raised to be Manifestors... go out and get it.
If we are not Manifestors and we don't succeed at trying to live a Manifestors life we question ourselves, what's wrong with me?
Others question us, What's wrong with you that you can't have this or that? Why can't you apply yourself? Why are you always quitting? Why can't you make up your mind?
Do you have that friend where nothing seems to work out in their life? Am I that friend? hahaha!

I've been learning how to relax into my life, every aspect of my life, exactly the way it is. Look at that thing that kind of pisses me off and be relaxed and okay with it. The rush and anxiety to change what I don't like about my life has gotten me into some of the needless skirmishes simply because I couldn't accept my life as it is. I kept asking myself, what's wrong with me? Okay I'm going to go out and get it and this time it's going to work out. and it didn't.

One of my hardest issues to deal with is being single.
I love being single. I've always been okay with being single. I'm not the person to jump in and out of relationships. I believe that it takes a certain type of man for me to be involved with, to commit to and deep down I've always known that about myself. But the world and other peoples stuff surrounding being single kind of beats me down. It's been hard being okay in a world and with people who tell me that I'm not.

I have this stress when I'm going to meet up with friends. I have it when I run into people I haven't seen in a long time. I have it when I meet a new man and he asks how long I've been single. The stress surrounds me like a firing squad and I have to come up with reasons before they shoot me through with holes. It's about the meaning that being single has been given. Can I say that again? It's about the meaning that being single has been given.

Are you seeing anyone?
Have you met anyone?
Why haven't you met anyone?
It has all felt like, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A MAN?
I don't understand why she's single. It's not that hard to meet someone.

What was the conversation between Joe Fox and his dad in You've Got Mail?

NELSON: I just have to meet someone new, that’s all. That's the easy part.
JOE FOX "A snap to find the one single person in the world who fills your heart with joy."
NELSON: "Well, don't be ridiculous son. Have I ever been with anybody who fit that description? Have you?"

I've only ever convinced one person to stop asking me if I'd met anyone yet and that was my mom, when she was still alive.
I would get so frustrated with her when she'd asked me the question. "Mom, I've watched you with men, they weren't exactly gems."
She'd find a way to by pass that obvious observation and we'd go back and forth, me feeling frustrated, pissed off and finally like she saw me as being defective.

I finally hit the right note when I asked my mother, "What if I never meet the right man for me? What if I'm single for the rest of my life, are you going to continue to ask me that question for the rest of my life?"
She said, "OH! That would be a horrible thing to do."
"Exactly."
My mother never, ever, to her dying day, never asked me that question again. Of course, when ever I met someone and dated someone, I always told her. I always tell everyone. We all do that. So why does the question need to be asked anyway?

Plus being in a relationship, that was her stuff. It's never been mine. My stuff is, if he can't make me as happy as I am when I'm alone he gotsta go!

I remember, several years ago, being at my friend Steven's house and his friend Paul who had been consistently single started seeing someone who everyone felt was a serious relationship. Steven said, "I thought Paul would never find someone."
Taken aback I said, "Is that what you say about me that I'll never find someone like it's a problem?"
Steven didn't answer but I've since learned that that was his stuff. Steven's been single for close to 10 years now and he thinks he's a loser. It's not logical thinking!

I want to be able to face down, "Are you seeing anyone?" and be able to feel fully relaxed to say "No I'm not," and not take on all the 'What's wrong with you' projections. Be able to accept that I don't need to stop people from asking the question, they're not going to stop anyways. Get to a point where no matter what you think of me I don't feel the need to try to change it.

I'm really getting there. Plus it's not my stuff. If you think there's something wrong with me because I'm single that's because you believe that there's something wrong with you if you're not in a relationship.

I want to mention in brush strokes the stupidity of our culture and our questions (and the media feeds into it or perpetuates it).
The questions surrounding Jennifer Aniston since she and Brad Pitt divorced :
Is she ever going to find another man?
Is she ever going to get married again?
Is she ever going to have children?
Oh she has a man, oops she couldn't keep him.
The comparison of Jen's life versus Joli/Pitt's life - She couldn't possibly be happy not as happy as Brad anyways.


and questions about Oprah Winfrey:
Are Oprah and Steadman ever going to get married?
Is Oprah really okay with never having children?
She still hasn't married Steadman, How long has she been engaged? 20 years?
She and Gayle must be lesbians, right?

Do you see how we're making them wrong for having the lives that they have and living them? Projecting all this meaning on the lives they are living. Creating these questions that are not their questions.

Maybe Jennifer thinks that having that brood of kids would be a nightmare. Hey, I'd rather take care of that many elephants before having that many kids. I'd rather be a god mother rather than give birth to my own.

Every body has a different life. It plays out the way it plays out. We wear the appropriate clothes for the weather that we feel, not the weather someone else feels.


People live lives never becoming professional basketball players. It just doesn't happen for everyone. It is ridiculous to question people about things that haven't happened for them. That they may not be meant to have.

What if this singleness is my journey? I know it is and I understand why. It is part of the way that I am able to guide.

People die childless. People die unmarried. People die young. Babies die minutes after they are born.
We are all going to die. We have individually unique paths that we will take that lead us to the ultimate.
My Human Design study is becoming the biggest tool that I use in all the healing and soul searching I've done over these years.

EY

Girlfriends, Themes and My Cats

Of course I was on vacation last week. Partially because I needed a serious break from work and how frustrated I'd been feeling. Partially because I wanted to get going on my apartment purge (I've given myself a two year goal, by the way). And partially because I needed some girlfriend time and it's so much easier to make it happen with the time off. I saw four girlfriends during my stay-cation and the conversations all had the same theme.

Everyone of the conversations delved into letting people go and when it's time to let people go.
There are so many reasons that we stay friends with someone, stay in a bad relationship past the expiry date and even continue on in a career/job that is dissatisfying. For me, I find that I will justify a lot of bad behaviour before one thing finally hits my 'letting go' nerve and I'm done. But I realize that, truly, I get stuck in obligation.

Obligation.

We've been friends for this long, even though you say shitty, flippant things to me and belittle what makes me happy.
He just needs to get past this bad period in his life and he'll be nice again.
She's family. You can't distance yourself from family.
I'm calling because I feel like I HAVE to call but I don't actually want to call.

I believe more and more that feeling obligated is a shackle around my neck. It wastes my time. It's not honest and that makes me feel twice as bad. It's not honest because I'm doing something I don't want to do. And it's not honest because I'm not accepting the person (or situation) for exactly who they are. I'm hoping the person will change and be the way she used to be, the way I want her to be...

How many times have we heard, "Just accept it. This is the way it is" when we complain about a situation?
We nod our heads sheepishly and agree, "You're right." Most times.

I'm thinking about this more for people too. "Accept it, Shelley, this is the way SHE is" hmm

If I accept her for exactly the way she is then that means I no longer have to feel the need to stay and change her. I can accept all her behaviours and I have the right to walk away because I am accepting me for exactly who I am too. It doesn't matter how long we've been lovers or friends or even family, time flies by too quickly for me to get stuck in the shackles of obligation. If a person is continually insensitive and I call her on it and she makes it my fault for her insensitivity, I have an important choice to make. She is saying that she isn't going to apologize or change, and she doesn't have to, and I don't have to stay.

I'm totally interested in the other side of the story too. It's clearly not as simple as me walking away or letting go of a relationship. How do I play my part in the other person's story?

My best anecdote is about the woman who took care of my cats while I was away. This is a woman who has admitted that she is lonely and doesn't have many friends.

There was more than enough food. I feed my cats crunchy food TD Cal that I buy from my vet. I got a brand new bag so there was more than enough. The bag lasts them a month. I was away for a week.

I feed my cats canned food once a week (even less) and they share a tiny can. I told her that if the cats seemed out of sorts she could give them two cans during the week as a treat. One can on two different occasions.

I come back from my trip and she informs me, "that's not good cat food. They like the canned with the gravy and the morsels."
Ohh ho Kay, so that means she's fed them the food that I feed them, goes out and buys them food (that they don't need) and feeds them how many cans?

I shrug it off, okay fine, I'm grateful to have had someone watch them while I was gone. My two grown cats are fine on their own but I would have been worried about Stormy the one year old.

She opens the drawer where I keep their canned food to show me she'd bought them two bags of cat treats and a popular named crappy canned food and it's twice the size of the cans I feed them. Holy Shit!

She tells me, "You should feed them this, they love this." She has the tone of voice that makes me feel as if she is saying that I don't know anything about cats and I'm not taking proper care of them.

Of course if my cats were kids, she wouldn't dream of taking them to McDonald's every day for a week. Kids love McDonald's! Well the food she gave 'my kids' was the equivalent of that.

I felt like I was obligated (the shackle) to accept what she'd done and keep the grateful attitude for her taking care of them. I was grateful, but seriously, they had everything they needed. She didn't need to spend any money. I would never leave someone to take care of my cats without enough supplies.

There were more shenanigans. She'd move my furniture around because she didn't feel that Gatsby had to eat his food under my work out bench. I, of course, put his food there because he likes eating his food there. He used to take his food in his mouth, run under the work out bench, drop the food on the floor and then slowly eat it. He likes to eat there.

And then she nit picked. She told me everything that was wrong, in her opinion, with my apartment. She asked me why I didn't use my work out paraphernalia more. She insulted the sheets on my bed. "These are not good sheets."

No stone was left unturned.

So I'm curious, it's the writer in me. I'm curious about the story she's creating for me to play my part and walk away so she can stay in being lonely and not having many friends. What part of any of this stops this woman from being lonely and not having many friends? Absolutely nothing. She must mean well?!? All I kept thinking was, "Didn't your parents teach you any fucking manners?"
What could she possibly be thinking?

I feel like all of this is a big thing for me this year. How do I want to spend my time? Who do I want to share my time with? Am I going to focus on your snide remarks when you say you love me? Or am I going to focus on those who "show" me they love me? What am I willing to tolerate? Do I have to feel like I'm tolerating something?

I know that it's all important because I've been here before. I know that so much of what has been happening with some people and what some others are discussing with me is helping me to be and stay clear. That's all I can ask for, clarity.

EY

Here are some old blog entries on this old cycle:

Silence May 17, 2012

Clearing Old Energy June 5, 2011

I Want To Feel Good May 28, 2011

Sun in Cancer and other Astrological Events

I just got the latest New Millennium Being from Guru Rattana yesterday. I decided that I would start to journal around certain dates, things that are going on in my life to add to my Numerology and Personal Years notes that I keep from what I learn from Christine Delorey's forecasts

One of the things I've noticed in the more in depth Astrological forecasts that astrologers will discuss something like a current eclipse being similar to one that occurred in 1993. And asking if you can remember anything from that time and if so, a theme that emerged then may be repeated now but in a different way. If you read my piece on my cycles of personal years and discovering the repeated themes that I've faced, you can see the importance to me, anyway, of keeping track. Whatever I can learn and use. :)

Here are the dates and Astrological Events that will be included in my notes, stuff to focus on, stuff to keep in mind, stuff to look for:

(Of course, if you subscribe to Guru Rattana's New Millennium Being, you'll get far more info and a Kundalini Yoga mantra to practice during the month of Cancer.) I'll do another post with some Cancerian themes to look for during the month.

The message is CHANGE!



JUNE 20 - SUMMER SOLSTICE and Sun moves into Cancer - The electric Gemini energy gives way to softer, more nurturing energy.

JUNE 23 - Ceres the dwarf planet that symbolizes the Great Goddess moves into Gemini. Our alliances and communications are now empowered by feminine expressions as we are less in our head and more in our hearts.



JUNE 24 - First of 7 exact Uranus/Pluto squares between now and 2015. Uranus calls for freedom, reform, innovation, and revolution. Pluto obliges us to look at what is hidden in our subconscious that gets in the way of expressing our authentic soul power. Squares mark major turning points. We are obliged to transform from deep within and to make major changes in our personal and collective lives. You may have noticed that the pressure for transformation is increasing.


JUNE 25 - SATURN goes DIRECT. Notice if you feel like a burden is lifted and that you can finally move forward with the projects that have been held back.



JUNE 27 - Venus goes direct at 7 degrees Gemini More forward movement and now you know what you want.

SATURN (JUNE 25) AND VENUS (JUNE 27) GO DIRECT - going to feel a sense of relief and more energized . Will feel less resistance and be able to finally move forward. It has been a strange year with these long periods of retrograde including the Mars retrograde. So don't be so hard on yourself if you feel like the time has passed and you haven't gotten much done. (June 27 to 12July to feel relief and energized - take action and advantage of the direct movement while it lasts.)a couple weeks and plunged back into retrogrades - take action and advantage of the direct movement while it lasts. After August 7, only the outer planets (Uranus, Neptune and Pluto) will be retrograde, until October 4 when Jupiter goes retrograde in Gemini. We have 2 months (August 7 - October 4) when we can flow with the cosmic tailwinds. These 2 months are going to be the action months of 2012 - plan now.




JUNE 29 - Sun at 8 degrees Cancer opposes Pluto and squares Uranus. Transformation! intensity and force for change.

JULY 3 - MARS enters LIBRA

JULY 3 - CAPRICORN FULL MOON - talk less and feel more.



JULY 13 - Uranus goes RETROGRADE - When an outer or slow moving planet like Uranus changes direction, its presence and influence is intensified for weeks. The 5 months that Uranus is retrograde (until Dec 13 on the Sagittarius New Moon) gives us a chance to identify what programs, beliefs, and cultural conditioning enslave our psyche and to let them go.


JULY 14 - MERCURY goes RETROGRADE - in Leo invites us to pause and identify if we are operating out of our ego or heart.



August 7 - MERCURY goes DIRECT 



JULY 18-19 - CANCER NEW MOON (28 degrees) - Our ability to fearlessly move forward in our life (Capricorn) will be a good way to monitor the progress we have made in dealing with our Cancer issues. Since our inner reality (Cancer) greatly influences our outer reality (Capricorn), our outer life will demonstrate our inner success.



July 18 – 19 - Mars opposing Uranus and squaring Pluto - intensity and force for change. their effects build up and continue through July. the cardinal dynamic is active and may play out in relationship issues. By taking action, you will relieve some of the pressure and feel better. If you want things to happen, know that you are being supported by the planets to co-create what you want.

Hope this info is of interest to you too.

EY

Theme of Bad Moods?

Life is good so why am I so cranky?

The theme this week seems to involve me going into a bad mood then pulling myself back out it again.
Sometimes it’s stupid little things that bug me, like an uncalled for remark. Other times it’s bigger things like cleaning up other people’s messes as if I made them myself.

But the key to staying in a bad mood or getting out of it lies in my thinking.

I stay in the bad mood when I go down the road of thoughts such as, “Well, that isn’t fair, she should have done such and such;” or “How is this my problem?” or “I’m so tired of blah, blah, blah...” ha-ha! And the list goes on.
Everything is about control isn’t it? If things could simply be the way I think they should be, I’d be happy, wouldn’t I? Or would I? Probably not...

Life has been great after 4 years of soul crushing beat downs. I want to feel good and enjoy my great life now, while I’m in it. I know, for me, that I need to look at the stuff that I do appreciate in my life. There are always things to appreciate.

Trying to be in control will make us crazy. When I still had a television, I used to love watching ‘Hoarders’ because 1 – it always motivated me to go through my clutter and chuck it and 2 – it really made me see how crazy we can make ourselves in our need to be in control. It’s like an addiction. Actually, I think it is an addiction.
Back in April 2012 I wrote this in my journal, The “trying to change what is” addiction. April 2010 - All addictions start as a way to try to control what you can control in order to compensate for what you cannot control. But what you can control becomes out of control.
- Trying to change the system, change other people’s behaviour, change the weather. In our frustration that nothing has changed we hoard, smoke, drink and drug too much, we self-medicate in some way.
- Accept what is – accepting yourself as you are – accepting others as they are.
- The more I focus on what I don’t want the more of “don’t want” I attract.
- Don’t think of what I can’t have, create what I want
- What do I want? In this minute, for this day, for my job, for my life, for my relationships
- In silence – I can find my questions and my answers

I have a manual for myself of reminders of important thoughts I’ve had. It is filled with epiphanies like the addiction to control. It has spiritual dreams I’ve had; info on my power (totem) animals, cycles in my personal years in Numerology , personal manifestoes, and notes from readings that I’ve received. My thoughts are like a skip on a record {vinyl, of course :)}sometimes. I can get stuck in a thought instead of looking at a full experience. Stuck in the skip instead of enjoying the full song.
In the rush of life , in stress and overwhelm, it is so easy to get off track and stuck in unproductive thoughts. I’ll try anything to keep myself moving back to my center.

Julia Cameron, in Walking in This World, mentions creating a first aid kit for our moods. You know, a box that we fill with the stuff that will improve our moods, change our thinking, get us out of the funk. In my box would be pictures of my cats; recordings of songs by Pharaoh Sanders, “High Life”; Earth, Wind & Fire, “Turn it into Something Good”; Sounds of Blackness, “I’m Going all the Way”; and their full album, “The Evolution of Gospel.” And a multitude of other songs from various artists. What would you put in your box?

EY