Sunday 12:42pm 15June08
"Unlimited thinking lets you experience in advance the feelings you will have when you have received the abundance you want, and these feelings are the vehicle that brings abundance to you." Pg 8. Creating Money (Keys to Abundance) by Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer.
That quote made me think about being a child and looking through the toy section of the catalogue for Eaton's. All those little dreams my brother and I had for Christmas and Birthday presents. Those dreams of having roomfuls of toys. Those dreams of having everything we always wanted. It never quite happened that way, not even close but boy, were we ever thrilled when we got one of the toys we'd been dreaming about for weeks on end. Children are well-versed at abundant thinking. It's as natural as breathing. Somehow with the disappointments in growing up and others constantly telling us why we can't always have what we want, we stop the daydreaming and fantasizing and turn to worrying instead. Someone said that, "Worrying is negative creating."
I like thinking of worrying that way because it helps me to stop worrying about every little thing. Aside from worrying being a habit, I find I've used it as a reverse psychology thing. That silent agreement that maybe if I worry enough then I'll get the good things I want by default. You know, the cosmos or God or whatever energy is out there will help me anyway. And I have received many good things that way but it's certainly a stressful way to go about it. I'd much rather believe in a supportive universe. I sleep better that way.
I like the thought of tapping into my childlike belief in possibilities, that if you want it and focus on it, you're going to get it.
It certainly doesn't add any extra stress in my world and it gives me something to smile about.
"Live out your dreams in your mind; picture or feel yourself getting what you want; hear the words you will say to others and they to you when your dreams come true. Make your imaginings so real that they feel possible to create rather than like wishful and distant fantasies. Allow yourself to create a vision, to daydream and fantasize, and then focus each day on the simple, concrete steps you can take to reach your goal. There will always be practical steps you can take immediately to get there. " Pg 11. Creating Money (Keys to Abundance) by Sanaya Roman & Duane Packer.
EY
15 June 2008
10 June 2008
Til Debt Do Us Part
I forget to give links to my new money guru! The thought occurred to me as I sat on my mat to do my morning practice. And I remembered once I was done!
Her name is Gail Vaz Oxlade
and she has a blog... Gail’s Blog
hmm, and I've started using the money jars which are calculated once you fill out Gail's Interactive Budget Worksheet
EY
p.s. have you noticed I've actually been putting the links within my posts? That's one step for blogkind and one leap for Shelleykind! ha ha. In otherwords, I'm a little less lazy!
Woo hoo!
Her name is Gail Vaz Oxlade
and she has a blog... Gail’s Blog
hmm, and I've started using the money jars which are calculated once you fill out Gail's Interactive Budget Worksheet
EY
p.s. have you noticed I've actually been putting the links within my posts? That's one step for blogkind and one leap for Shelleykind! ha ha. In otherwords, I'm a little less lazy!
Woo hoo!
Support U - Meaning Investments
Tuesday 5:06am 10June08
"How do we determine what constitutes the right use of our time, mind and inner resources?" Eric Maisel
Today's Purpose Centred Life podcast was about Meaning Investments. Gosh I'm a woman that likes a good title! I like the thought of Meaning investments. Where do I want to make my meaning investments?
I certainly don't want to make it with watching too much television. My friend Lolo noticed since coming back from South Korea that she was watching television almost in a viewing frenzy. She couldn't figure out, at first, why she couldn't get away from the television. Until it dawned on her that when one show ends the next show begins without any commercials in between. "What happened to the commercials in between each show?" It's like we've been set up to continue to watch and not be able to walk away once we've watched the show we wanted to watch. You catch the teaser for the next show and get hooked in so much that you have to see what's going to happen. "I kept telling myself that I'd watch this one show and then the next show would start and I had to watch that show too!" She told me.
I got into this whole conspiracy theory with her about how we're suckered into doing things that we don't necessarily want to do but we can't seem to stop ourselves because the messages are so in our faces. Watch one show and waste the day watching a bunch of other shows you didn't mean to watch. Buy all these objects because they will make us feel better, look better, give us some imaginary acceptance. Get a mortgage on some overly big house to show that we are successes. Buy the latest clothes and be like the celebrities, never be caught dead in the same outfit twice. Oh and diet! Starve yourself, fast, do whatever it takes to be super skinny no matter the cost. We all know that we need to eat and exercise to get in shape but haven't you at one time considered not eating or eating just a little to get the results quicker? Thankfully I love food too much to get on that merry go round.
I've been catching the show Til Debt Do Us Part, since it comes on after Women on Top. (Catching this show I didn't plan on watching, isn't lost on me!) It's scary the debt people are in and the houses and cars and cottages they have that they can't afford to have. It really gives me a perspective on why I buy things and what I need and don't need. The thing that amazes most of the people that are helped on the show is their mindless purchasing. It also makes me think about mine as well.
Where do I want to make my meaning investments? It's a question I need to ask myself daily for awhile and link it to a supportive universe. I've been having a hard time getting up in the morning and then I'm rushing to get everything done including a good Kundalini Yoga practice. I find I'm going to work a little mad at myself because just as I'm getting deep into the practice, I've got to get up and get going. It was bugging me so much that I decided that I would add doing it at night before going to bed, something I hadn't added yet because I was too caught up in doing time wasting stuff rather than the stuff that has meaning to me. What a difference it has made. I do the stretches, a set and a chant and conk out almost immediately. I sleep right through the night without interruption (other than Gatsby deciding that 2am is give sleeping person affection time) and I'm ready to get out of bed at 4am without pressing the snooze button until 6:30am.
It's a small step to making change in my life and identifying and subsequently investing in what means something to me... Meaning investments.
EY
"How do we determine what constitutes the right use of our time, mind and inner resources?" Eric Maisel
Today's Purpose Centred Life podcast was about Meaning Investments. Gosh I'm a woman that likes a good title! I like the thought of Meaning investments. Where do I want to make my meaning investments?
I certainly don't want to make it with watching too much television. My friend Lolo noticed since coming back from South Korea that she was watching television almost in a viewing frenzy. She couldn't figure out, at first, why she couldn't get away from the television. Until it dawned on her that when one show ends the next show begins without any commercials in between. "What happened to the commercials in between each show?" It's like we've been set up to continue to watch and not be able to walk away once we've watched the show we wanted to watch. You catch the teaser for the next show and get hooked in so much that you have to see what's going to happen. "I kept telling myself that I'd watch this one show and then the next show would start and I had to watch that show too!" She told me.
I got into this whole conspiracy theory with her about how we're suckered into doing things that we don't necessarily want to do but we can't seem to stop ourselves because the messages are so in our faces. Watch one show and waste the day watching a bunch of other shows you didn't mean to watch. Buy all these objects because they will make us feel better, look better, give us some imaginary acceptance. Get a mortgage on some overly big house to show that we are successes. Buy the latest clothes and be like the celebrities, never be caught dead in the same outfit twice. Oh and diet! Starve yourself, fast, do whatever it takes to be super skinny no matter the cost. We all know that we need to eat and exercise to get in shape but haven't you at one time considered not eating or eating just a little to get the results quicker? Thankfully I love food too much to get on that merry go round.
I've been catching the show Til Debt Do Us Part, since it comes on after Women on Top. (Catching this show I didn't plan on watching, isn't lost on me!) It's scary the debt people are in and the houses and cars and cottages they have that they can't afford to have. It really gives me a perspective on why I buy things and what I need and don't need. The thing that amazes most of the people that are helped on the show is their mindless purchasing. It also makes me think about mine as well.
Where do I want to make my meaning investments? It's a question I need to ask myself daily for awhile and link it to a supportive universe. I've been having a hard time getting up in the morning and then I'm rushing to get everything done including a good Kundalini Yoga practice. I find I'm going to work a little mad at myself because just as I'm getting deep into the practice, I've got to get up and get going. It was bugging me so much that I decided that I would add doing it at night before going to bed, something I hadn't added yet because I was too caught up in doing time wasting stuff rather than the stuff that has meaning to me. What a difference it has made. I do the stretches, a set and a chant and conk out almost immediately. I sleep right through the night without interruption (other than Gatsby deciding that 2am is give sleeping person affection time) and I'm ready to get out of bed at 4am without pressing the snooze button until 6:30am.
It's a small step to making change in my life and identifying and subsequently investing in what means something to me... Meaning investments.
EY
08 June 2008
Living By Kaizen
Sunday 8Jun08 3:02pm
An article that I was going to post on my writing blog that also applies here. The full article by Jennifer Lawler is on her webpage. Her article is called Seeking Perfectioin: What it is...and isn't but I have a soft spot for Living by Kaizen, since I don't do any martial arts, I like the thought of applying the concept to life as a whole.
My favorite quotes from Jennifer's article are:
... in the martial arts, you train because you are a warrior. That’s what warriors do. And they do it because they’re warriors. That’s the only reason they have to have.
The idea of training just to train, of doing something for its own sake, is called kaizen in Japanese martial arts. It’s related to – although independent of – the concept of bushido, which is the ideal of the warrior, the way the warrior lives. Making kaizen and bushido a part of my life has been an ongoing experiment – and experience. Like most of us, I constantly struggle to balance all the demands on my time and the expectations – spoken and unspoken – that people (including me) have for me. But I am aided by my belief that the way of mastery will guide me in the direction I need to go, and I never stray from the path for very long or very far.
...living by kaizen creates a life filled with pleasure, validation that comes from within (and doesn’t depend on outside sources subject to whims), a life that feels more fulfilling and rewarding.
Moving towards perfection means deciding to care for your body as well as you can today, and then tomorrow and then the next day. It is about the process, not the end result. Each day, the attempt should feel good. You got enough rest for once; you meditated after work and that helped you feel relaxed; you had fresh-squeezed orange juice for breakfast and that felt nourishing. You’re taking care of yourself. It doesn’t matter if you ever fit into that size four. That is not the point.
Moving towards perfection requires
Focusing
Living mindfully
Slowing down
An article that I was going to post on my writing blog that also applies here. The full article by Jennifer Lawler is on her webpage. Her article is called Seeking Perfectioin: What it is...and isn't but I have a soft spot for Living by Kaizen, since I don't do any martial arts, I like the thought of applying the concept to life as a whole.
My favorite quotes from Jennifer's article are:
... in the martial arts, you train because you are a warrior. That’s what warriors do. And they do it because they’re warriors. That’s the only reason they have to have.
The idea of training just to train, of doing something for its own sake, is called kaizen in Japanese martial arts. It’s related to – although independent of – the concept of bushido, which is the ideal of the warrior, the way the warrior lives. Making kaizen and bushido a part of my life has been an ongoing experiment – and experience. Like most of us, I constantly struggle to balance all the demands on my time and the expectations – spoken and unspoken – that people (including me) have for me. But I am aided by my belief that the way of mastery will guide me in the direction I need to go, and I never stray from the path for very long or very far.
...living by kaizen creates a life filled with pleasure, validation that comes from within (and doesn’t depend on outside sources subject to whims), a life that feels more fulfilling and rewarding.
Moving towards perfection means deciding to care for your body as well as you can today, and then tomorrow and then the next day. It is about the process, not the end result. Each day, the attempt should feel good. You got enough rest for once; you meditated after work and that helped you feel relaxed; you had fresh-squeezed orange juice for breakfast and that felt nourishing. You’re taking care of yourself. It doesn’t matter if you ever fit into that size four. That is not the point.
Moving towards perfection requires
Focusing
Living mindfully
Slowing down
Support U - Women On Top
Sunday 8June08 1:16pm
My new favorite show is, Women on Top.
I caught one episode purely by accident, as is my norm. It's a half hour show that comes on Monday to Friday at 7am and gives a quick and dirty biography of a successful woman.
Most recently I watched the episode on Jeannette Walls (Interview w/ typos) , a gossip columnist whose parents were basically homeless her entire childhood. She pulls herself up for success but lives in constant paranoia that if everyone finds out about her she'll be ruined. It's funny how when we come from certain situations that we automatically feel that if others knew about us they'd abandon us.
My favorite nugget so far came from April Barton, hairstylist extraordinaire. She said, "the Universe was always siding with me and giving me perks to make it through." Her back story was of a gambling dad who married her very rich mother and lost all their money. He then ran off kidnapping April who didn't see her mother from the time she was 8 years old until she was 15 years old.
The Universe was always siding with me and giving me perks to make it through.
And it's true. For the longest time looking back on my childhood that quote rang true for me. Even though I didn't have that specific wording.
With all the violence, chaos and turmoil, there was always an adult who took me under his or her wing and spent quality time with me. A friend of my mother, Giselle, who would take me out for lunch at a restaurant in the Alexis Nihon Plaza in downtown Montreal. Real meals like chicken and ribs, not the shitty fast food 'meals'. I would talk about things that interested me and she would smile and listen, never once telling me that I shouldn't dream this or want that.
Another female friend who got me to come out of my shell and voice what upset me within my family home, the unfair treatment of me, She told me regularly that I was her favorite of the girls (me and my stepsisters). I needed to be some body's favorite because I felt like I was in the way.
The man who I was raised to call Uncle Milton, who would come into my bedroom at night and sit on the edge of my bed and tell me/ remind me that I didn't have to live the kind of life that my mother was living. I didn't have to attaract a man who beat me. This was usually while my step father was in the living room yelling at my mother and telling her why she was worthless. Milton who would start to cry when ever I got mad at him during my teenage years. Milton who smiled at me with awe when I started to fight my step father. Because he knew and I knew that part of the reason why I started to stand up for myself was because of those late nights that he told me that I didn't have to and wasn't going to be that abused woman.
Imagine a man going into a 10 year old girls bedroom at night. The first thought is sexual abuse. Isn't that so sad? Today he could never do that and it was part of what saved me.
There are other adults who saved me. Adults who told me in words and actions that I was a valuable worthwhile little girl who they'd happily have as their own daughter. Did I mention that none of them had children? They were adults who recognized that the light was going out in my eyes and they kept the tiny flame glowing.
That whole supportive universe thing keeps popping up for me. It seems to be the big message for me lately. When I take a moment to slow down even for a half second I can find a message to remind me that I'm meant to be here just as much as anyone else. I'm entitled to the space that I take up on earth just like that rich guy or that beautiful woman or my boss or my friends.
There are things in life that will beat me down and there are messages from the Universe to remind me to stand up straight. That's what April Barton's quote means to me.
EY
Another quote from April Barton, "Be who you are when you need to be, not when the public says it's okay."
My new favorite show is, Women on Top.
I caught one episode purely by accident, as is my norm. It's a half hour show that comes on Monday to Friday at 7am and gives a quick and dirty biography of a successful woman.
Most recently I watched the episode on Jeannette Walls (Interview w/ typos) , a gossip columnist whose parents were basically homeless her entire childhood. She pulls herself up for success but lives in constant paranoia that if everyone finds out about her she'll be ruined. It's funny how when we come from certain situations that we automatically feel that if others knew about us they'd abandon us.
My favorite nugget so far came from April Barton, hairstylist extraordinaire. She said, "the Universe was always siding with me and giving me perks to make it through." Her back story was of a gambling dad who married her very rich mother and lost all their money. He then ran off kidnapping April who didn't see her mother from the time she was 8 years old until she was 15 years old.
The Universe was always siding with me and giving me perks to make it through.
And it's true. For the longest time looking back on my childhood that quote rang true for me. Even though I didn't have that specific wording.
With all the violence, chaos and turmoil, there was always an adult who took me under his or her wing and spent quality time with me. A friend of my mother, Giselle, who would take me out for lunch at a restaurant in the Alexis Nihon Plaza in downtown Montreal. Real meals like chicken and ribs, not the shitty fast food 'meals'. I would talk about things that interested me and she would smile and listen, never once telling me that I shouldn't dream this or want that.
Another female friend who got me to come out of my shell and voice what upset me within my family home, the unfair treatment of me, She told me regularly that I was her favorite of the girls (me and my stepsisters). I needed to be some body's favorite because I felt like I was in the way.
The man who I was raised to call Uncle Milton, who would come into my bedroom at night and sit on the edge of my bed and tell me/ remind me that I didn't have to live the kind of life that my mother was living. I didn't have to attaract a man who beat me. This was usually while my step father was in the living room yelling at my mother and telling her why she was worthless. Milton who would start to cry when ever I got mad at him during my teenage years. Milton who smiled at me with awe when I started to fight my step father. Because he knew and I knew that part of the reason why I started to stand up for myself was because of those late nights that he told me that I didn't have to and wasn't going to be that abused woman.
Imagine a man going into a 10 year old girls bedroom at night. The first thought is sexual abuse. Isn't that so sad? Today he could never do that and it was part of what saved me.
There are other adults who saved me. Adults who told me in words and actions that I was a valuable worthwhile little girl who they'd happily have as their own daughter. Did I mention that none of them had children? They were adults who recognized that the light was going out in my eyes and they kept the tiny flame glowing.
That whole supportive universe thing keeps popping up for me. It seems to be the big message for me lately. When I take a moment to slow down even for a half second I can find a message to remind me that I'm meant to be here just as much as anyone else. I'm entitled to the space that I take up on earth just like that rich guy or that beautiful woman or my boss or my friends.
There are things in life that will beat me down and there are messages from the Universe to remind me to stand up straight. That's what April Barton's quote means to me.
EY
Another quote from April Barton, "Be who you are when you need to be, not when the public says it's okay."
Support U - Making Meaning
Sunday 8June08 12:45pm
The nugget today comes from Dr. Eric Maisel.
His podcast is Purpose-Centred Life - A Plan for Authentic Living. His podcasts and others can be found at Personal Life Media.
It's funny that it's so in keeping with Gemini energy and the mind. Everything comes back to our thoughts and how we choose to think about life/ situations and the meanings we decide to have about life/situations. I notice that the main words are about choice and deciding. It's always a challenge because information is being thrown at us from every angle. I think I've hit a level of negative information overload personally. I recognize that I need to balance the negative information with positive information.
I go to work and my single co-worker is always ready with a negative perspective on the most innocent conversation. Talk about fruit and he'll bring up some study that tells you if you eat too much fruit you're going to die. We're all going to die! Turn on the television and can you find more shows that are about crimes? I realize that I need to do a crime show fast. No more crime shows. It gets to the point where I either worry that some crime will be committed against me or maybe I should just stay in my house all the time. We all have that chance that a crime could be committed against us and we all have that chance that it won't. We have a 50/50 chance about anything that life has to offer. Why attract the worst side of the 50/50 chance with our negative thoughts?
I want to commit to taking responsibility for the life I've been given. I want to be more open to confiding in the people who care about me. Filling my mind with inspiration and believing that I can have what I want. I'm well-versed at getting what I don't want.
It brings me back to a previous post that we live in a supportive universe. It supports the thoughts and beliefs we have with physical representations of them. And it could be another meaning for Support U... Supportive Universe.
EY
The nugget today comes from Dr. Eric Maisel.
His podcast is Purpose-Centred Life - A Plan for Authentic Living. His podcasts and others can be found at Personal Life Media.
It's funny that it's so in keeping with Gemini energy and the mind. Everything comes back to our thoughts and how we choose to think about life/ situations and the meanings we decide to have about life/situations. I notice that the main words are about choice and deciding. It's always a challenge because information is being thrown at us from every angle. I think I've hit a level of negative information overload personally. I recognize that I need to balance the negative information with positive information.
I go to work and my single co-worker is always ready with a negative perspective on the most innocent conversation. Talk about fruit and he'll bring up some study that tells you if you eat too much fruit you're going to die. We're all going to die! Turn on the television and can you find more shows that are about crimes? I realize that I need to do a crime show fast. No more crime shows. It gets to the point where I either worry that some crime will be committed against me or maybe I should just stay in my house all the time. We all have that chance that a crime could be committed against us and we all have that chance that it won't. We have a 50/50 chance about anything that life has to offer. Why attract the worst side of the 50/50 chance with our negative thoughts?
I want to commit to taking responsibility for the life I've been given. I want to be more open to confiding in the people who care about me. Filling my mind with inspiration and believing that I can have what I want. I'm well-versed at getting what I don't want.
It brings me back to a previous post that we live in a supportive universe. It supports the thoughts and beliefs we have with physical representations of them. And it could be another meaning for Support U... Supportive Universe.
EY
Support U
Sunday 8June08 12:05pm
In my reading of others blogs and emails and the like I came across The Happiness Project. Gretchen (pretty lady) has spent a year (probably more by now) test driving every tip, principle, theory, and scientific study pertaining to happiness. What a cool idea and not all that far from my idea that I've had for several years to read as many personal development books and listen to tapes/CD's and now podcasts and watch positive television shows. I've done it haphazardly. But to commit to it? Not quite.
The main reason I got that idea was the realization that I have to do daily work in order to sabotage depression. The daily work is like taking the anti-depressant medication without the side effects. I hear they can be brutal.
It's the habit. We all find success by doing the work daily. Everything is daily.
Support U is the title I came up with for my personal project. I like the double meaning. Imagine if there were a university program that was all about supporting yourself... that would be Support U.
I'm not sure what kind of commitment I should offer as far as blogging is concerned. Probably the best for me is to commit to once a month and any other entries will be bonus entries. Because I'll probably post entries frequently but the project is really for myself so any entries that are too personal to post, I won't be posting. You never know how many of those there will be in a row. I do have my moments.
I'll offer links to any and everything I find on the net. And I'd like to cover a book from beginning to end throwing down some sweet nuggets that I find in it. Of course I say that now and tomorrow (hmm no June 30th - no more Mercury Retrograde) I will meet and fall in love with the man of my dreams, win the lottery (about $19million dollars), and move out of the Country.
tee hee hee!
So that's my personal project and I'll let you know what's going on, if you're still reading. And if you find anything of interest, that falls in line, comment on the blog for all the other three readers.
And just in case you don't bother to look at her website/blog, although, why wouldn't you? Here's the JK Rowling link to the commencement speech she gave at Harvard about failure. Very cool!
EY
In my reading of others blogs and emails and the like I came across The Happiness Project. Gretchen (pretty lady) has spent a year (probably more by now) test driving every tip, principle, theory, and scientific study pertaining to happiness. What a cool idea and not all that far from my idea that I've had for several years to read as many personal development books and listen to tapes/CD's and now podcasts and watch positive television shows. I've done it haphazardly. But to commit to it? Not quite.
The main reason I got that idea was the realization that I have to do daily work in order to sabotage depression. The daily work is like taking the anti-depressant medication without the side effects. I hear they can be brutal.
It's the habit. We all find success by doing the work daily. Everything is daily.
Support U is the title I came up with for my personal project. I like the double meaning. Imagine if there were a university program that was all about supporting yourself... that would be Support U.
I'm not sure what kind of commitment I should offer as far as blogging is concerned. Probably the best for me is to commit to once a month and any other entries will be bonus entries. Because I'll probably post entries frequently but the project is really for myself so any entries that are too personal to post, I won't be posting. You never know how many of those there will be in a row. I do have my moments.
I'll offer links to any and everything I find on the net. And I'd like to cover a book from beginning to end throwing down some sweet nuggets that I find in it. Of course I say that now and tomorrow (hmm no June 30th - no more Mercury Retrograde) I will meet and fall in love with the man of my dreams, win the lottery (about $19million dollars), and move out of the Country.
tee hee hee!
So that's my personal project and I'll let you know what's going on, if you're still reading. And if you find anything of interest, that falls in line, comment on the blog for all the other three readers.
And just in case you don't bother to look at her website/blog, although, why wouldn't you? Here's the JK Rowling link to the commencement speech she gave at Harvard about failure. Very cool!
EY
A Month? Gemini and June Energies
Sunday 8June08 11:03am
Wow it's been a month since I've been here last! No excuses. It's been 50% of good and 50% of a pain in the ass. Isn't that always the way? I've had big bouts of laziness and the odd spurts of motivation and I'm always challenged with finding my way through it all.
I've spent most of my time focused on my little kitten Gatsby, the pisces heartbreaker. He keeps me amused and gives me a loving, grateful focus which if you know anything about me, you know it's needed. What seemed like a crazy idea to most, adding a 4th cat to the fold, was a stroke of genius. Watching a kitten discover his surroundings and get excited over a crumpled piece of paper and other silliness reminds me to attempt to do the same thing in my life. Life is supposed to be an adventure, right?
Gemini is all about the mind. Has your mind been going a mile a minute? My mind has been all over the place but the thrilling thing is that I've had that Gemini level of detachment so the little annoyances haven't been quite as all consuming as they can be. Praise God! We're in the middle of office renovations at work during a Mercury Retrograde. Can you spell laughter?
I have to laugh because I'd lose my mind. Nothing is quite like the shop drawings that I had a hand in approving. The workers come in during the day and cause much disruption. Jackhammers are dead to me! I've breathed in more dust than any one person should ever inhale. I've gone home with headaches and sore shoulders from the tension. I can't open my desk drawers and sit at my desk at the same time. And what was going to be about a week of renovations has now gone into week three. We have a private pool betting on which month it will be complete and how many difficiencies will still be hanging over our heads. As much as possible I remain detached.
In keeping with the communication issues of Merc, people have been coming to me asking for help and when I try to give my help they proceed to interrupt me to tell me how much they know in keeping with the help they've requested. Oh, so you know how to do this then, you don't need my help? If it's my area of expertise and you call me for help, why must you insist that you actually know more than I do? I didn't call you. *sigh* Remain detached!
So I write notes in my handbook. I write about the peculiarities of others. I write descriptions for possible characters because we all know these kinds of people and sometimes (very rarely though, right?) we are those people ourselves. I feel like I'm making productive use of what could drive me crazy if I thought about it too much.
And back to Gemini, not that I left it. It took me forever to get the summary of all the previous New Millenium Being newsletters sorted through. Ahh in a year I'll have one done for each sign so next year I'll be more timely! The main points offered from Guru Rattana over the years have been to:
- Maintain a neutral mind,
- tune into your breath by slowing it down and breathing deeply,
- alternate nostril breathing
- train ourselves to listen - first to ourselves and then to others,
And in her most current newsletter she recommends for June:
1 - to not take yourself or every minute detail in life so seriously
2 - to make it your priority to uplift others and spread joy
3 - to make people and yourself laugh
4 - to change negative conversations into heart-felt connection
5 - to perfect our sense of humor.
Hmm! And Mecury is retrograde until June 19th, which means the direct energies don't really take effect until around the 24th or 25th. I'm giving it to the 26th to be on the safe side. ha ha!
I realized the other day that I got my cat Zoe, who died in November, during a Mercury Retrograde. Every thing that I was told about her turned out to be not what I'd expected. The ironic thing was that I had second thoughts about taking her because it was Mercury Retrograde but I'd talked myself out of the Second thoughts saying, "what could go wrong it's just a cat?" What could go wrong indeed. Sometimes I feel like a wacko when i discuss Mercury Retrograde except luckily I have enough friends who also believe in the strange energy to make me feel less wack-otic (my new word!) So I say believe it or don't believe it but keep a watchful eye out, regardless.
JUNE ENERGIES
Rev. Sheri Kozdron whose podcast Angel moments by Angel Messenger I listen to gave me some keywords/thoughts for June.
Gemini - information, reclaiming our mind, how our thoughts affect us.
Focus on love, generousity, peace and forgiveness
Sagittarius Full Moon - Our search for meaning.
And here are some links to the people I've mentioned:
New Millenium Being Archives Scroll down to the archives. Subscibe to the list, it's worth it! Guru Rattana gives so much free information that you can spend years reading it all, which I have. It's what finally got me into Kundalini Yoga. I'm proud to say that I have finally bought 4 of her books.
Angel Messenger Rev Sheri Kozdron has both a podcast and a blog.
Starchild also offers energies to focus on, use, notice for each month.
EY
Wow it's been a month since I've been here last! No excuses. It's been 50% of good and 50% of a pain in the ass. Isn't that always the way? I've had big bouts of laziness and the odd spurts of motivation and I'm always challenged with finding my way through it all.
I've spent most of my time focused on my little kitten Gatsby, the pisces heartbreaker. He keeps me amused and gives me a loving, grateful focus which if you know anything about me, you know it's needed. What seemed like a crazy idea to most, adding a 4th cat to the fold, was a stroke of genius. Watching a kitten discover his surroundings and get excited over a crumpled piece of paper and other silliness reminds me to attempt to do the same thing in my life. Life is supposed to be an adventure, right?
Gemini is all about the mind. Has your mind been going a mile a minute? My mind has been all over the place but the thrilling thing is that I've had that Gemini level of detachment so the little annoyances haven't been quite as all consuming as they can be. Praise God! We're in the middle of office renovations at work during a Mercury Retrograde. Can you spell laughter?
I have to laugh because I'd lose my mind. Nothing is quite like the shop drawings that I had a hand in approving. The workers come in during the day and cause much disruption. Jackhammers are dead to me! I've breathed in more dust than any one person should ever inhale. I've gone home with headaches and sore shoulders from the tension. I can't open my desk drawers and sit at my desk at the same time. And what was going to be about a week of renovations has now gone into week three. We have a private pool betting on which month it will be complete and how many difficiencies will still be hanging over our heads. As much as possible I remain detached.
In keeping with the communication issues of Merc, people have been coming to me asking for help and when I try to give my help they proceed to interrupt me to tell me how much they know in keeping with the help they've requested. Oh, so you know how to do this then, you don't need my help? If it's my area of expertise and you call me for help, why must you insist that you actually know more than I do? I didn't call you. *sigh* Remain detached!
So I write notes in my handbook. I write about the peculiarities of others. I write descriptions for possible characters because we all know these kinds of people and sometimes (very rarely though, right?) we are those people ourselves. I feel like I'm making productive use of what could drive me crazy if I thought about it too much.
And back to Gemini, not that I left it. It took me forever to get the summary of all the previous New Millenium Being newsletters sorted through. Ahh in a year I'll have one done for each sign so next year I'll be more timely! The main points offered from Guru Rattana over the years have been to:
- Maintain a neutral mind,
- tune into your breath by slowing it down and breathing deeply,
- alternate nostril breathing
- train ourselves to listen - first to ourselves and then to others,
And in her most current newsletter she recommends for June:
1 - to not take yourself or every minute detail in life so seriously
2 - to make it your priority to uplift others and spread joy
3 - to make people and yourself laugh
4 - to change negative conversations into heart-felt connection
5 - to perfect our sense of humor.
Hmm! And Mecury is retrograde until June 19th, which means the direct energies don't really take effect until around the 24th or 25th. I'm giving it to the 26th to be on the safe side. ha ha!
I realized the other day that I got my cat Zoe, who died in November, during a Mercury Retrograde. Every thing that I was told about her turned out to be not what I'd expected. The ironic thing was that I had second thoughts about taking her because it was Mercury Retrograde but I'd talked myself out of the Second thoughts saying, "what could go wrong it's just a cat?" What could go wrong indeed. Sometimes I feel like a wacko when i discuss Mercury Retrograde except luckily I have enough friends who also believe in the strange energy to make me feel less wack-otic (my new word!) So I say believe it or don't believe it but keep a watchful eye out, regardless.
JUNE ENERGIES
Rev. Sheri Kozdron whose podcast Angel moments by Angel Messenger I listen to gave me some keywords/thoughts for June.
Gemini - information, reclaiming our mind, how our thoughts affect us.
Focus on love, generousity, peace and forgiveness
Sagittarius Full Moon - Our search for meaning.
And here are some links to the people I've mentioned:
New Millenium Being Archives Scroll down to the archives. Subscibe to the list, it's worth it! Guru Rattana gives so much free information that you can spend years reading it all, which I have. It's what finally got me into Kundalini Yoga. I'm proud to say that I have finally bought 4 of her books.
Angel Messenger Rev Sheri Kozdron has both a podcast and a blog.
Starchild also offers energies to focus on, use, notice for each month.
EY
04 May 2008
Taurus Energy
4May08 Sunday 4:38pm
I'm trying to read through all the New Millenium Beings written for Taurus but am finding that there is so much in all of them that the summary I could write wouldn't be a summary after all. I laugh, as I did in Aquarius, that the issues I've been blogging about fall into Taurus territory. My whole piece on expecations...
Anyway, here are some notes gleaned from a few of the previous New Millenium Being newsletters written by Guru Rattana over the years.
From NMB #16 2000
I liked her three phases of Taurus the bull:
The Sleeping Bull
The basic lesson to be learned is to shift from a dependency on external values to a reliance on inner ones. Look at what you value most, how it impacts your life and how changes in your value structure will help you to achieve what you really want.
The Awakening Bull
dig deep to access hidden resources in your own psyche. Examine personal values and align them with your inner core and eliminate those that are a by product of social conditioning and poor parenting. Learn not to depend on the material world for your inner security. Free yourself of the bondage and insecurities caused by physical attachments whether they be money, possessions, situations or relationships.
Find more rewarding and less destructive ways to nurture yourself and express yourself freely. Learn how to reconcile, connect and align your inner and outer worlds.
My entries about Shiastu and Kundalini Yoga, getting into the body instead of just being in the mind fall in line with Guru Rattana's comments that "the body must be honoured and used as a vehicle for the higher expression of the soul. Your physical body must be cared for to facilitate the masterful use by the mind and emotions to serve your inner purpose."
The Awakened Bull
The touchestones might be, "I want what I have." "I have myself." 'I desire the light."
It is the way of artful, spiritual living. Your spiritual presence inspires, your expression of Divine Will leads. Your artistic expression of life frees, uplifts and transforms everyone and everything you come in contact with.
In NMB 17
she writes about Taurus issues which include the desire for comfort, security and pleasure. Basic questions involving choices of how to use our time, money and energy. We ask ourselves questions related to Values, Security and Foundations. What do we truly value? What will give us real security? What are our foundations and are they built on values that give us real security?
Taurus energy teaches about magetism. What we attract depends upon what we believe we deserve and how much we value ourselves. Taurus teaches us that we must find out what we value and protect ourselves from being influenced by external disapproval of our personal value system. Our ultimate security is built upon self-acceptance and self-love.
How do we tune into Taurus energy? Taurus makes us slow down. Taurus energy also grounds us and helps us be very present in our bodies and aware of the sensations in our bodies.
Taurus main attributes or words that describe: stable, loyal, patient, sensual, indulgent, stubborn, resistant, immovable, lazy, slow and attuned to the natural world. Our goal is to allow ourselves to experience these energies and then to work with them and allow them to nurture, sustain and teach us.
Taurus teaches us that one of the highest forms of healing is available through self-love.
NMB 33 is so packed with information that I can't even quote from it.
NMB #87
How we value ourselves determines how we spend our time and money.
In Aries we defined our self. In Taurus we plant our garden. We figure out how to support who we are, how we get what we want, and how to survive and meet our basic needs.
The first steps in self discovery are coached by Aries. Our Taurus coach introduces us to things, possessions, resources and value (both personal and material.)
Value - we discover what we value - what makes us comfortable, what things give us pleasure, what physical situations we feel are necessary for our security. We learn about what we have to Do to get what we want. We learn about the practical economices of life and that we have to make and have money to buy possessions and services. What we also learn is that the value we place on ourselves is a determining factor in our ability to manifest both the necessities and foodies of life.
The sooner we link the two together, the more we can manifest and enjoy what we acquire:
1) the things that money can buy and how to generate enough money to purchase them
2) What money can't buy - our personal values, our self-worth and our unique talents.
If we are too fixate on the status quo and too influenced by our society and family patterns, we may fall into the rut of following a pathe that our parents deem appropriate for us and live by externally defined values that don't reflect what really makes us happy.
And because there is so much on Taurus I skip to her most latest NMB #147
You can always subscribe for the actual newsletters that are always filled with lots of info
Taurus and Scorpio (The full moon is always in the opposite sign which means that the opposite signs issues come up during the Sun signs stay). Taurus and Scorpio work together to help us understand what we want and what we have to do (or not do) to get it. We need to commit to changing what needs to be transformed. We can figure this out by reviewing our values, identifying our deepest desires and defining our highest priorities.
Taurus
- willing to work to achieve and maintain a secure, stable, material lifestyle.
- seeks to enjoy the peace of mind and the emotional serenity that material security and physical pleasures afford.
- needs to figure out how spiritual laws apply to the physical world and to learn how to function effectively in the physical world.
- involves learning about the laws of manifestation and the laws of attraction
The Taurus path requires:
1 - being grounded in the body
2 - operating effectively in the physical world
3 - being able to manifest and manage the resources to take care of ourselves
4 - experiencing spirit in our daliy lives
5 - attuning to and appreciating the beauty and sacredness of nature
Taurus needs to learn
1- to enjoy, not just be obsessed with the money game
2 - to establish a secure financial base and use it to take care of ourselves
3 - to overcome worries of not having enough
4 - to let go of anxiety about loss
5 - to enjoy and appreciate the wealth that it has
Taurus must build and be involved in some creative project to feel satisfied. Inner peace is elusive if we are not working with our favorite tools and producing something - music, arts, crafts, physical structures, or financial, construction or spiritual projects.
We follow our destiny path when we are engaged in divinely inspired creative endeavors. We can attain a level of contentment once our creative urge is appropriately focused and one pointed.
The Bull teaches us that right livelihood and work is a creative act, not punishment.
I'm trying to read through all the New Millenium Beings written for Taurus but am finding that there is so much in all of them that the summary I could write wouldn't be a summary after all. I laugh, as I did in Aquarius, that the issues I've been blogging about fall into Taurus territory. My whole piece on expecations...
Anyway, here are some notes gleaned from a few of the previous New Millenium Being newsletters written by Guru Rattana over the years.
From NMB #16 2000
I liked her three phases of Taurus the bull:
The Sleeping Bull
The basic lesson to be learned is to shift from a dependency on external values to a reliance on inner ones. Look at what you value most, how it impacts your life and how changes in your value structure will help you to achieve what you really want.
The Awakening Bull
dig deep to access hidden resources in your own psyche. Examine personal values and align them with your inner core and eliminate those that are a by product of social conditioning and poor parenting. Learn not to depend on the material world for your inner security. Free yourself of the bondage and insecurities caused by physical attachments whether they be money, possessions, situations or relationships.
Find more rewarding and less destructive ways to nurture yourself and express yourself freely. Learn how to reconcile, connect and align your inner and outer worlds.
My entries about Shiastu and Kundalini Yoga, getting into the body instead of just being in the mind fall in line with Guru Rattana's comments that "the body must be honoured and used as a vehicle for the higher expression of the soul. Your physical body must be cared for to facilitate the masterful use by the mind and emotions to serve your inner purpose."
The Awakened Bull
The touchestones might be, "I want what I have." "I have myself." 'I desire the light."
It is the way of artful, spiritual living. Your spiritual presence inspires, your expression of Divine Will leads. Your artistic expression of life frees, uplifts and transforms everyone and everything you come in contact with.
In NMB 17
she writes about Taurus issues which include the desire for comfort, security and pleasure. Basic questions involving choices of how to use our time, money and energy. We ask ourselves questions related to Values, Security and Foundations. What do we truly value? What will give us real security? What are our foundations and are they built on values that give us real security?
Taurus energy teaches about magetism. What we attract depends upon what we believe we deserve and how much we value ourselves. Taurus teaches us that we must find out what we value and protect ourselves from being influenced by external disapproval of our personal value system. Our ultimate security is built upon self-acceptance and self-love.
How do we tune into Taurus energy? Taurus makes us slow down. Taurus energy also grounds us and helps us be very present in our bodies and aware of the sensations in our bodies.
Taurus main attributes or words that describe: stable, loyal, patient, sensual, indulgent, stubborn, resistant, immovable, lazy, slow and attuned to the natural world. Our goal is to allow ourselves to experience these energies and then to work with them and allow them to nurture, sustain and teach us.
Taurus teaches us that one of the highest forms of healing is available through self-love.
NMB 33 is so packed with information that I can't even quote from it.
NMB #87
How we value ourselves determines how we spend our time and money.
In Aries we defined our self. In Taurus we plant our garden. We figure out how to support who we are, how we get what we want, and how to survive and meet our basic needs.
The first steps in self discovery are coached by Aries. Our Taurus coach introduces us to things, possessions, resources and value (both personal and material.)
Value - we discover what we value - what makes us comfortable, what things give us pleasure, what physical situations we feel are necessary for our security. We learn about what we have to Do to get what we want. We learn about the practical economices of life and that we have to make and have money to buy possessions and services. What we also learn is that the value we place on ourselves is a determining factor in our ability to manifest both the necessities and foodies of life.
The sooner we link the two together, the more we can manifest and enjoy what we acquire:
1) the things that money can buy and how to generate enough money to purchase them
2) What money can't buy - our personal values, our self-worth and our unique talents.
If we are too fixate on the status quo and too influenced by our society and family patterns, we may fall into the rut of following a pathe that our parents deem appropriate for us and live by externally defined values that don't reflect what really makes us happy.
And because there is so much on Taurus I skip to her most latest NMB #147
You can always subscribe for the actual newsletters that are always filled with lots of info
Taurus and Scorpio (The full moon is always in the opposite sign which means that the opposite signs issues come up during the Sun signs stay). Taurus and Scorpio work together to help us understand what we want and what we have to do (or not do) to get it. We need to commit to changing what needs to be transformed. We can figure this out by reviewing our values, identifying our deepest desires and defining our highest priorities.
Taurus
- willing to work to achieve and maintain a secure, stable, material lifestyle.
- seeks to enjoy the peace of mind and the emotional serenity that material security and physical pleasures afford.
- needs to figure out how spiritual laws apply to the physical world and to learn how to function effectively in the physical world.
- involves learning about the laws of manifestation and the laws of attraction
The Taurus path requires:
1 - being grounded in the body
2 - operating effectively in the physical world
3 - being able to manifest and manage the resources to take care of ourselves
4 - experiencing spirit in our daliy lives
5 - attuning to and appreciating the beauty and sacredness of nature
Taurus needs to learn
1- to enjoy, not just be obsessed with the money game
2 - to establish a secure financial base and use it to take care of ourselves
3 - to overcome worries of not having enough
4 - to let go of anxiety about loss
5 - to enjoy and appreciate the wealth that it has
Taurus must build and be involved in some creative project to feel satisfied. Inner peace is elusive if we are not working with our favorite tools and producing something - music, arts, crafts, physical structures, or financial, construction or spiritual projects.
We follow our destiny path when we are engaged in divinely inspired creative endeavors. We can attain a level of contentment once our creative urge is appropriately focused and one pointed.
The Bull teaches us that right livelihood and work is a creative act, not punishment.
Trust
Sunday 1:28pm 4May08
Yeah so I deleted what I originally wrote here cuz I now want it to be private!
EY
nb: I forgot to mention in my Gatsby post that I'd also been working on going through my clutter again. I found a piece of paper that said, "be the kind of person you want to attract." As I walked out from having filled in the application for adoption and asked myself how crazy I was for considering the adoption, I answered , "If you want love, give love."
Yeah so I deleted what I originally wrote here cuz I now want it to be private!
EY
nb: I forgot to mention in my Gatsby post that I'd also been working on going through my clutter again. I found a piece of paper that said, "be the kind of person you want to attract." As I walked out from having filled in the application for adoption and asked myself how crazy I was for considering the adoption, I answered , "If you want love, give love."
The Great Gatsby
Sunday 12:51pm 4May08
After my prisoner of expectations moment this week, I walked home Thursday after work and decided to go into the vet to see the kitten in the window. Sometimes a cat lover needs to tease herself. Can you feel it coming? ha ha!
The workers were all very friendly, got me behind closed doors to see the kitten and informed me that she wasn't the only kitten they had. Kitten in the window is a black kitten with white feet. The other two kittens, also girls, were all black. I was phewing all over the place because, if the truth be known, I want a boy cat. I already have three girls. Isaac says, "we have one more kitten. We keep HIM separated because he has the sniffles and is on antibiotics." Jessica returns with Isaac to tell me that itsy bitsy boy had rough beginnings and almost died twice but he's doing fine and he purrs the moment you touch him and he's really affectionate and we all just love him! He is 10 weeks old and is the size of a 3 or 4 week kitten. He's got the big forehead and expressive eyes much like Yoda, what all the staff have been calling him. Yoda is the spitting image of kitten in the window.
I say, "I'm all about rough beginnings!"
Jessica says, "Then he's your guy!"
Yes. I inherited my mother's love of the runt of the litter. I like to fill a need when there is a problem. My heart opens wide when someone is in crisis. But that is the height of being human isn't it? When that news story hits of major misfortune whether it's September 11th or Hurricane Katrina, or an innocent bystander walking down the street and accidentally being shot and killed and leaving his child fatherless. Or that little girl abandoned in the stairwell during the winter of which many famillies wanted to adopt. Heck, I wanted to adopt her. With the worst stories we all really step up to the plate to help out in what ever way we can.
So yes, what I'm saying is I've adopted itsy bitsy male kitten. He almost died twice and he wheezes when he breathes and he's the size of one of my hands and he's still on antibiotics (supplied for free from the vet). And since he's such a little guy with poor beginnings I name him Gatsby, after F. Scott Fitzgerald's character and the name goes nicely with Zelda, my two year old, named after F. Scott's wife. The big cats are all pretty bitter as what happens in the beginning. Zelda is too busy running away scared to really check the mini man out. Picasso and Quincy spit at him and spit at eachother and spit at a fluff of dust. But they're not giving up their positions on the bed although they give me dirty looks when I bring Gatsby up to cuddle.
When I went to pick him up yesterday, just about every staff member came out to check me out and say good bye to their favorite rescue and beg me to bring him in for a visit. Last night I chose a birthdate for him, counting back ten weeks from the day I met him since they weren't sure of his actual birthdate. Although I will ask again just to be sure. Ten weeks ago was still in Pisces and around my birthday. haha. So his chosen by me birthdate is Feb 28th. And he's a leap year baby like me.
What is more exciting than watching a baby something? What is better than to nurture and love?
EY
After my prisoner of expectations moment this week, I walked home Thursday after work and decided to go into the vet to see the kitten in the window. Sometimes a cat lover needs to tease herself. Can you feel it coming? ha ha!
The workers were all very friendly, got me behind closed doors to see the kitten and informed me that she wasn't the only kitten they had. Kitten in the window is a black kitten with white feet. The other two kittens, also girls, were all black. I was phewing all over the place because, if the truth be known, I want a boy cat. I already have three girls. Isaac says, "we have one more kitten. We keep HIM separated because he has the sniffles and is on antibiotics." Jessica returns with Isaac to tell me that itsy bitsy boy had rough beginnings and almost died twice but he's doing fine and he purrs the moment you touch him and he's really affectionate and we all just love him! He is 10 weeks old and is the size of a 3 or 4 week kitten. He's got the big forehead and expressive eyes much like Yoda, what all the staff have been calling him. Yoda is the spitting image of kitten in the window.
I say, "I'm all about rough beginnings!"
Jessica says, "Then he's your guy!"
Yes. I inherited my mother's love of the runt of the litter. I like to fill a need when there is a problem. My heart opens wide when someone is in crisis. But that is the height of being human isn't it? When that news story hits of major misfortune whether it's September 11th or Hurricane Katrina, or an innocent bystander walking down the street and accidentally being shot and killed and leaving his child fatherless. Or that little girl abandoned in the stairwell during the winter of which many famillies wanted to adopt. Heck, I wanted to adopt her. With the worst stories we all really step up to the plate to help out in what ever way we can.
So yes, what I'm saying is I've adopted itsy bitsy male kitten. He almost died twice and he wheezes when he breathes and he's the size of one of my hands and he's still on antibiotics (supplied for free from the vet). And since he's such a little guy with poor beginnings I name him Gatsby, after F. Scott Fitzgerald's character and the name goes nicely with Zelda, my two year old, named after F. Scott's wife. The big cats are all pretty bitter as what happens in the beginning. Zelda is too busy running away scared to really check the mini man out. Picasso and Quincy spit at him and spit at eachother and spit at a fluff of dust. But they're not giving up their positions on the bed although they give me dirty looks when I bring Gatsby up to cuddle.
When I went to pick him up yesterday, just about every staff member came out to check me out and say good bye to their favorite rescue and beg me to bring him in for a visit. Last night I chose a birthdate for him, counting back ten weeks from the day I met him since they weren't sure of his actual birthdate. Although I will ask again just to be sure. Ten weeks ago was still in Pisces and around my birthday. haha. So his chosen by me birthdate is Feb 28th. And he's a leap year baby like me.
What is more exciting than watching a baby something? What is better than to nurture and love?
EY
01 May 2008
Prisoner of Expectations
Thursday 1May08
Prisoner of Expectations
Through the silence I find one of my big issues pop up. Sometimes I find I’m upset or mad about stuff and I can’t articulate what the main issue is. Currently it’s the business culture of recognizing some people with awards for service and continually bypassing others. The different rules for different people syndrome! I know it all too well. I lived it in my childhood home first and am still regularly faced with it.
Back in 2000 or 2001 when I was going through similar changes but worse, I went to see a movie Café Ole with my girlfriend Tricia. It’s a cute little Montreal film about a guy that does for everyone else and somehow his life is passing him by while everyone depends on him and takes him for granted. Towards the end of the movie when he makes a drastic change he says a line that spoke to my life and made me cry. Tricia and I left the movie theatre and I was still crying. We walked through the Manulife Centre and I was still crying. As we were about to leave, she looked at me and asked, “Are you okay?” and I said, “I can’t get it together, that line is playing in my head. It’s me” and we stood outside the hair salon that I’d worked at earlier that year as I sobbed in Tricia’s arms. It was pretty big!
Here I am, present day, faced with the recognition issue. I study the times I’ve been taken for granted or not acknowledged for who I am. I don’t do anything for recognition but when others are recognized for less than what I’ve done as part of who I am the red flag comes up in my mind and I think, “Humph! I’ve been doing that and more forever and not a soul has mentioned anything.” Interesting!
As a Pisces, just about anything you read says that they are always last and are used to it. They walk through life not being recognized. Blah, blah, blah. But seriously, is it because I’m a freakin’ Pisces? And of all the things that are Pisces, why does that have to be the thing that is true? These days I see the lack of recognition, the high expectations and the general taking for granted of, as a message from the Universe not to feel guilty about moving on and following my inner voice and what dreams she concocts.
I’ve come a long way since that day I cried in Tricia’s arms and it’s been a long road, with dropping friends and changing jobs and sometimes yelling or slamming doors or fire bombing an incendiary email as a last resort. But it bowls me over when it creeps back in.
It’s the reason why we rebel against our parents. We’re trying so hard to identify ourselves and to be identified as who we are separate from who they want us to be for their own comfort level. I never really rebelled against my mother while she was alive. Not on this issue anyway. I was always the daughter I was expected to be. I’ve always been the employee, the friend, the lover I am expected to be. I am dependable and available and cheerful to do it and I don’t ask for much other than peace. But where are the people who are grateful for people like me? People who can express their gratitude? People like me are so easy to take for granted.
At the arts organization I worked at for 10 years, my boss scheduled me for the shitty shifts and worse, with people she knew I couldn’t stand on a regular basis. If it was a festival, all the lazy asses would be scheduled with their buds and I’d be stuck with shady character like clock work. Lazy asses would ask, “Are you being punished?” It made me wonder. When I discussed it, I was either told that she depended on me or (the slap in the face) I can’t schedule every body only with people they like. Hmm, but you depend on me, isn’t there some reward in that? Even with friends in the past (people I’ve since dropped or limited my contact), there were the constant stupid situations I’d be put into. And it’s not like I never speak up for myself.
When I finally reach my limit because surprisingly, to every one who watches it happen, I do have a limit, although it can take years, the culprits get uncomfortable. Or come up with lame ass excuses. Most recently I was told that I had all these walls so built up that this specific person felt that he didn’t have to worry about me (that was when I was in pain for three months and I’d asked, what kind of friend doesn’t call or email even once). I was told a few years back that the reason why I didn’t want to be included in invitations that included these two women that I didn’t like (and said I didn’t like the first time I met both of them) was that I was intimidated by strong women. Those two examples still irk me. And at work, past and present, well there’s a whole whack of examples of interesting reasons that are never quite based in reality. *sigh*
There is always that air that something is wrong with me for wanting to break out of the mold that makes everyone else comfortable but leaves me feeling unfulfilled. That level of invisibility, not being heard, not being recognized, being taken for granted, who wants to be constantly jiggling in that Jello mold? It’s always a shock when I make that large sweeping decision merely because people haven’t heard a fucking thing I said. I say it in a nice voice first because I genuinely like those people. Then I say it in a loud voice because I’m nearing the end and this is my final warning. And then I leave and their so damn surprised.
Why do I attract so many people who need so much attention that they can’t hear anything but the sound of their own voices? I believe that I live in a supportive universe and obviously the way I’m dealing with this issue isn’t working. I need to work on my thoughts, my energy and my actions. That’s what I contend with. That’s what clanked around my brain at 1am when all of a sudden, I was awake with no signs of falling back to sleep. I sat on my bed with my journal and started to write. I turned on the television to CBC and lo and behold, Café Ole was on. The supportive universe poking me to see if I remembered that there was a line in the movie that was so apt back in 2000 or 2001 and it was going to be again if I was going to wait to hear it.
The character writes it in a letter to the lady he’d been playing the piano for on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays for $5 each session. I’d forgotten that she had said a part of it first, which was what propelled him. And instead of Malcolm Kaye, the character playing piano, the lady now has Sal there (a character who Malcolm also helped). Because when we leave, people always find someone else to take our place, and I need to remember that. She asks Sal to read the letter again and in it Malcolm writes, “I am not going to be there to play the piano for you anymore because I am tired of being a prisoner of expectations.” And she smiles because she was a prisoner of expectations and missed out on what could have been her one true love.
And when I heard it I didn’t cry this time but I nodded my head. Yep, I’ve changed some but I still have some work to do. And because I know the universe is supportive, I just need to get my thoughts and actions and energy in line and constantly ask myself, what do I want? If I believe that I am taken for granted, I will constantly be faced with opportunities where I am taken for granted. And people are so seductive in their guilt trippy I depend on you speeches but when I leave they always find a replacement. It’s worth repeating.
It was only supposed to be for a short time, in my childhood home, when all this began. It was so the step sisters would be comfortable and would know that they were welcome. Somehow there was always an excuse to maintain the status quo. And I never rebelled as all of us must, at some point, in order to grow up.
So I step into this full-fledged realization with a little bit of rebellion and an awareness that I need to do what’s good for me (which I’ve gotten better at). That there will always be an excuse, a justification to keep me a prisoner and I just don’t look good in prison stripes.
EY
Prisoner of Expectations
Through the silence I find one of my big issues pop up. Sometimes I find I’m upset or mad about stuff and I can’t articulate what the main issue is. Currently it’s the business culture of recognizing some people with awards for service and continually bypassing others. The different rules for different people syndrome! I know it all too well. I lived it in my childhood home first and am still regularly faced with it.
Back in 2000 or 2001 when I was going through similar changes but worse, I went to see a movie Café Ole with my girlfriend Tricia. It’s a cute little Montreal film about a guy that does for everyone else and somehow his life is passing him by while everyone depends on him and takes him for granted. Towards the end of the movie when he makes a drastic change he says a line that spoke to my life and made me cry. Tricia and I left the movie theatre and I was still crying. We walked through the Manulife Centre and I was still crying. As we were about to leave, she looked at me and asked, “Are you okay?” and I said, “I can’t get it together, that line is playing in my head. It’s me” and we stood outside the hair salon that I’d worked at earlier that year as I sobbed in Tricia’s arms. It was pretty big!
Here I am, present day, faced with the recognition issue. I study the times I’ve been taken for granted or not acknowledged for who I am. I don’t do anything for recognition but when others are recognized for less than what I’ve done as part of who I am the red flag comes up in my mind and I think, “Humph! I’ve been doing that and more forever and not a soul has mentioned anything.” Interesting!
As a Pisces, just about anything you read says that they are always last and are used to it. They walk through life not being recognized. Blah, blah, blah. But seriously, is it because I’m a freakin’ Pisces? And of all the things that are Pisces, why does that have to be the thing that is true? These days I see the lack of recognition, the high expectations and the general taking for granted of, as a message from the Universe not to feel guilty about moving on and following my inner voice and what dreams she concocts.
I’ve come a long way since that day I cried in Tricia’s arms and it’s been a long road, with dropping friends and changing jobs and sometimes yelling or slamming doors or fire bombing an incendiary email as a last resort. But it bowls me over when it creeps back in.
It’s the reason why we rebel against our parents. We’re trying so hard to identify ourselves and to be identified as who we are separate from who they want us to be for their own comfort level. I never really rebelled against my mother while she was alive. Not on this issue anyway. I was always the daughter I was expected to be. I’ve always been the employee, the friend, the lover I am expected to be. I am dependable and available and cheerful to do it and I don’t ask for much other than peace. But where are the people who are grateful for people like me? People who can express their gratitude? People like me are so easy to take for granted.
At the arts organization I worked at for 10 years, my boss scheduled me for the shitty shifts and worse, with people she knew I couldn’t stand on a regular basis. If it was a festival, all the lazy asses would be scheduled with their buds and I’d be stuck with shady character like clock work. Lazy asses would ask, “Are you being punished?” It made me wonder. When I discussed it, I was either told that she depended on me or (the slap in the face) I can’t schedule every body only with people they like. Hmm, but you depend on me, isn’t there some reward in that? Even with friends in the past (people I’ve since dropped or limited my contact), there were the constant stupid situations I’d be put into. And it’s not like I never speak up for myself.
When I finally reach my limit because surprisingly, to every one who watches it happen, I do have a limit, although it can take years, the culprits get uncomfortable. Or come up with lame ass excuses. Most recently I was told that I had all these walls so built up that this specific person felt that he didn’t have to worry about me (that was when I was in pain for three months and I’d asked, what kind of friend doesn’t call or email even once). I was told a few years back that the reason why I didn’t want to be included in invitations that included these two women that I didn’t like (and said I didn’t like the first time I met both of them) was that I was intimidated by strong women. Those two examples still irk me. And at work, past and present, well there’s a whole whack of examples of interesting reasons that are never quite based in reality. *sigh*
There is always that air that something is wrong with me for wanting to break out of the mold that makes everyone else comfortable but leaves me feeling unfulfilled. That level of invisibility, not being heard, not being recognized, being taken for granted, who wants to be constantly jiggling in that Jello mold? It’s always a shock when I make that large sweeping decision merely because people haven’t heard a fucking thing I said. I say it in a nice voice first because I genuinely like those people. Then I say it in a loud voice because I’m nearing the end and this is my final warning. And then I leave and their so damn surprised.
Why do I attract so many people who need so much attention that they can’t hear anything but the sound of their own voices? I believe that I live in a supportive universe and obviously the way I’m dealing with this issue isn’t working. I need to work on my thoughts, my energy and my actions. That’s what I contend with. That’s what clanked around my brain at 1am when all of a sudden, I was awake with no signs of falling back to sleep. I sat on my bed with my journal and started to write. I turned on the television to CBC and lo and behold, Café Ole was on. The supportive universe poking me to see if I remembered that there was a line in the movie that was so apt back in 2000 or 2001 and it was going to be again if I was going to wait to hear it.
The character writes it in a letter to the lady he’d been playing the piano for on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays for $5 each session. I’d forgotten that she had said a part of it first, which was what propelled him. And instead of Malcolm Kaye, the character playing piano, the lady now has Sal there (a character who Malcolm also helped). Because when we leave, people always find someone else to take our place, and I need to remember that. She asks Sal to read the letter again and in it Malcolm writes, “I am not going to be there to play the piano for you anymore because I am tired of being a prisoner of expectations.” And she smiles because she was a prisoner of expectations and missed out on what could have been her one true love.
And when I heard it I didn’t cry this time but I nodded my head. Yep, I’ve changed some but I still have some work to do. And because I know the universe is supportive, I just need to get my thoughts and actions and energy in line and constantly ask myself, what do I want? If I believe that I am taken for granted, I will constantly be faced with opportunities where I am taken for granted. And people are so seductive in their guilt trippy I depend on you speeches but when I leave they always find a replacement. It’s worth repeating.
It was only supposed to be for a short time, in my childhood home, when all this began. It was so the step sisters would be comfortable and would know that they were welcome. Somehow there was always an excuse to maintain the status quo. And I never rebelled as all of us must, at some point, in order to grow up.
So I step into this full-fledged realization with a little bit of rebellion and an awareness that I need to do what’s good for me (which I’ve gotten better at). That there will always be an excuse, a justification to keep me a prisoner and I just don’t look good in prison stripes.
EY
30 April 2008
Quiet Time
Wednesday 5:34am 30Apr08
It's hard to take quiet time for myself. I always think that there is something better that I should be doing, like writing or cleaning the apartment or having more of a social life or something, anything. But as I move into the second or third week of this I'm seeing the definite benefits.
I'm finding a peace within that I don't think I've ever had before. Heck, I know I never had it. The biggest change I notice is that when I get ticked off I don't seem to hold on to it for hours on end. I have my moment and then move on just as quickly. I've started this growl that makes my co worker laugh to no end. Whenever I get on a good rant and catch myself doing it, I stop the rant and growl like a dog. Ado and I have named it doing the growl since he too has started doing the same thing when he gets into a particularly strong rant. Apparently he's got his wife doing it too now. Too cute!
But back to the anger. I used to set myself up with getting pissed off about something and thinking or naming it as a bad day. "Oh this is going to be a GREAT day!" I'd say, with that attitude. Now I recognize that it isn't the day, it's just a moment and they all pass. Call it and move on. Talk show host, one of the guys I work with, likes to push people's buttons to the extent where they get so worked up they can't let go. He used to pull that shit on me and although I'm happy to say that it's been about a year since I cured that, I still get to watch him do that with the others. But my major amusement with him is when he tries to check and see if he can catch me with it and I show him once again that no, I'm cured!
With my biweekly Shiastsu treatments I keep listening to what my aching body is telling me. I can't keep going the way I was going without being in constant pain. My body keeps telling me that even though I feel young at heart my age is creeping up there and I just can't sit for 12 hours at a time without a break, working myself to the max. I've got to get wiser with how I focus my energies. If I hold my stubbornness in my neck then what the heck else do I hold in my body? Where do I hold my anger and frustrations? I read somewhere that arthritis is frustration. Don't know if it's true but it's definitely something to think about.
The last several years with the changes I've made about the type of people I allow into my life, I realize that I was teaching myself to say no. Ah the lovely word NO! So many women don't know how to say no. I've learned how to say no to those guilt trippy requests that people will put on you. I've learned how to say no to people who want to monopolize my attention but don't want to reciprocate with the listening part. I've learned how to say no to all sorts of stuff and yes to my sanity. It's amazing that there is still something else to work on. But with the creeping age, I'm getting more comfortable with that too. As long as we're alive, there's something to work on and it's good to be alive, right?
I've been listening to Cheryl Richardson's, "Create an Abundant Life" CD from my Simply Audio Book monthly rental. One of the things she says is, "A high quality life has a lot more to do with what you remove from your life than what you add to it."
Hmm, somehow it motivated me to go through my kitchen and purge the clutter. Why does one person need 50 coffee mugs? Yikes! It's not like I'll ever have 49 guests. If leaving the country is a possibility for me, I need to get rid of a lot of stuff. But in the meantime, if I want to make room for the good that life has to offer, it's time to get rid of all the stuff that I've been holding on to that I haven't touched in years and takes up a whole lot of space. Boy oh boy, those bags of garbage and recycling and stuff left for others to pick through added some serious breathing space in my kitchen. I've got more to do in the rest of the apartment and I'm actually looking forward to it. For the first time in at least a couple years, I can see the surface of my kitchen table. Not that I ever eat in the kitchen but I could now. What a concept.
It's funny how having a lot of stuff always seemed like such a great thing and now I'm getting how it's just bogging me down. Once I get through all the papers and things I figure I'll have the guts to go through my massive collection of books and let go of the ones I know I'll never read again. And at the very least, reorganize them. One step away from a life of pack rat insanity.
EY
It's hard to take quiet time for myself. I always think that there is something better that I should be doing, like writing or cleaning the apartment or having more of a social life or something, anything. But as I move into the second or third week of this I'm seeing the definite benefits.
I'm finding a peace within that I don't think I've ever had before. Heck, I know I never had it. The biggest change I notice is that when I get ticked off I don't seem to hold on to it for hours on end. I have my moment and then move on just as quickly. I've started this growl that makes my co worker laugh to no end. Whenever I get on a good rant and catch myself doing it, I stop the rant and growl like a dog. Ado and I have named it doing the growl since he too has started doing the same thing when he gets into a particularly strong rant. Apparently he's got his wife doing it too now. Too cute!
But back to the anger. I used to set myself up with getting pissed off about something and thinking or naming it as a bad day. "Oh this is going to be a GREAT day!" I'd say, with that attitude. Now I recognize that it isn't the day, it's just a moment and they all pass. Call it and move on. Talk show host, one of the guys I work with, likes to push people's buttons to the extent where they get so worked up they can't let go. He used to pull that shit on me and although I'm happy to say that it's been about a year since I cured that, I still get to watch him do that with the others. But my major amusement with him is when he tries to check and see if he can catch me with it and I show him once again that no, I'm cured!
With my biweekly Shiastsu treatments I keep listening to what my aching body is telling me. I can't keep going the way I was going without being in constant pain. My body keeps telling me that even though I feel young at heart my age is creeping up there and I just can't sit for 12 hours at a time without a break, working myself to the max. I've got to get wiser with how I focus my energies. If I hold my stubbornness in my neck then what the heck else do I hold in my body? Where do I hold my anger and frustrations? I read somewhere that arthritis is frustration. Don't know if it's true but it's definitely something to think about.
The last several years with the changes I've made about the type of people I allow into my life, I realize that I was teaching myself to say no. Ah the lovely word NO! So many women don't know how to say no. I've learned how to say no to those guilt trippy requests that people will put on you. I've learned how to say no to people who want to monopolize my attention but don't want to reciprocate with the listening part. I've learned how to say no to all sorts of stuff and yes to my sanity. It's amazing that there is still something else to work on. But with the creeping age, I'm getting more comfortable with that too. As long as we're alive, there's something to work on and it's good to be alive, right?
I've been listening to Cheryl Richardson's, "Create an Abundant Life" CD from my Simply Audio Book monthly rental. One of the things she says is, "A high quality life has a lot more to do with what you remove from your life than what you add to it."
Hmm, somehow it motivated me to go through my kitchen and purge the clutter. Why does one person need 50 coffee mugs? Yikes! It's not like I'll ever have 49 guests. If leaving the country is a possibility for me, I need to get rid of a lot of stuff. But in the meantime, if I want to make room for the good that life has to offer, it's time to get rid of all the stuff that I've been holding on to that I haven't touched in years and takes up a whole lot of space. Boy oh boy, those bags of garbage and recycling and stuff left for others to pick through added some serious breathing space in my kitchen. I've got more to do in the rest of the apartment and I'm actually looking forward to it. For the first time in at least a couple years, I can see the surface of my kitchen table. Not that I ever eat in the kitchen but I could now. What a concept.
It's funny how having a lot of stuff always seemed like such a great thing and now I'm getting how it's just bogging me down. Once I get through all the papers and things I figure I'll have the guts to go through my massive collection of books and let go of the ones I know I'll never read again. And at the very least, reorganize them. One step away from a life of pack rat insanity.
EY
29 April 2008
Sprinkling of Inspiration
Tuesday 6:30am 29Apr08
Another month comes to an end and with each day I find a little inspiration sprinkling into my existence.
I'm constantly thinking about my next move, what is it going to be? I'm keeping some of my crazy ideas to myself because as often is the case, when I say what's on my mind, I get a lot of reasons why something can't work out by the naysayers. I get it though. I remember when Lolo decided that she was going to go to Korea to teach. My initial feelings were, shit what am I going to do without her? But what I said to her instead was, You loved teaching in Japan. This may be your calling. I realize when someone makes a big decision for their life that the last thing they need is my fears or my selfishness playing into their decisions. They carry enough fears of their own.
Sometimes people are just brainstorming ideas, which is what I'm currently doing. Sometimes people aren't going to follow through. And sometimes people are ready for a big change. We can't let the thought of our loss play into someone else's decision making. I'm just saying. It's been a year and Lolo just got back sometime yesterday. Her next adventure may be Taiwan or somewhere else equally as far away. When she makes her next trip, I will send her off with a big hug and a bunch of I'm going to miss you and I'll miss her everyday again but I'll be inspired that she is following her wanderlust and is making big decisions and she is living her life the way she needs to.
I came across an entry at the Writing Time yesterday about Al Kinspel. The inspiration for me was that he found love again at 79 years old. There is hope for me yet, apparently. ha ha! Click the title of this entry to read about him.
EY
Another month comes to an end and with each day I find a little inspiration sprinkling into my existence.
I'm constantly thinking about my next move, what is it going to be? I'm keeping some of my crazy ideas to myself because as often is the case, when I say what's on my mind, I get a lot of reasons why something can't work out by the naysayers. I get it though. I remember when Lolo decided that she was going to go to Korea to teach. My initial feelings were, shit what am I going to do without her? But what I said to her instead was, You loved teaching in Japan. This may be your calling. I realize when someone makes a big decision for their life that the last thing they need is my fears or my selfishness playing into their decisions. They carry enough fears of their own.
Sometimes people are just brainstorming ideas, which is what I'm currently doing. Sometimes people aren't going to follow through. And sometimes people are ready for a big change. We can't let the thought of our loss play into someone else's decision making. I'm just saying. It's been a year and Lolo just got back sometime yesterday. Her next adventure may be Taiwan or somewhere else equally as far away. When she makes her next trip, I will send her off with a big hug and a bunch of I'm going to miss you and I'll miss her everyday again but I'll be inspired that she is following her wanderlust and is making big decisions and she is living her life the way she needs to.
I came across an entry at the Writing Time yesterday about Al Kinspel. The inspiration for me was that he found love again at 79 years old. There is hope for me yet, apparently. ha ha! Click the title of this entry to read about him.
EY
24 April 2008
Meditations for Crisis
Thursday 24Apr08 6:15am
I've found these meditations helpful when I've been really mad or down or out of sorts. The one day I came home and did one right after the other in 3 minute intervals setting my cell phone timer for the three minutes and restarting everytime the alarm went off. Within a half hour, I felt amazing and filled with great energy and it lasted for a few days. There are a couple that I can't figure out how to do but it doesn't matter, there are more than enough that are easy to figure out.
EY
Meditations for These Times of Crisis
The following meditations were given to us by Yogi Bhajan many years ago.
These meditations were recommended to us by Guru Dev Singh subsequent to the September 11 events to assist us with maintaining our balance in these times of crisis.
Meditation to lead a stress-free existence.
It tonifies the heart and the digestive and elimination systems, and circulates prana to the nadies.
Sitting in easy pose, place the arms up at the sides at an angle of 60 degrees from the horizontal, with the palms facing up and inward. Elbows are straight. Shake the hands vigorously, allowing the arms, shoulders, body, and legs to shake along with them. Do this for 3 minutes.
Place the arms straight out in front, horizontal to the ground. Bend the wrists toward you, so that the Jupiter finger (index finger) points upward. The other fingers are curled under the thumb. Moving only the wrists, rotate the Jupiter fingers outward, then downward, then inward, then upward again. The right hand will have its Jupiter finger rotating clockwise around the wrist, and the left hand counter-clockwise. The arms remain straight and stationary. Try to keep the Jupiter finger in a vertical plane moving around the wrist. Do this for 3 minutes. Then inhale, hold and squeeze, and exhale, three time.
When you feel like you are in a hole.
Sitting in easy pose, hold your arms in front of your chest, forearms parallel to the ground. Place the right hand over the left, about 6 inches, pointing in opposite directions. Palms are facing downward. Move the hands in and out very rapidly. The right hand moves outward away from you as the left hand moves inward toward you. Then the left hand moves outward and the right hand inward.
Keep up this motion for 3 minutes.
Inhale deeply, hold, then exhale, 3 times.
Be aware of external events in a moment of crisis
Sit in easy pose with the elbows bent and the hands up at the level of the shoulders.
Extend the Jupiter (index) fingers up and lock the thumb over the other fingers.
Eyes at the tip of the nose.
Whisper the mantra: Aad Guray Nameh, Jugaad Guray Namay, Sat Guray Nameh, Siri Guru Dayvay Nameh. 11 Minutes
Translation: Guided from the primal core and beginning
Through every moment of experience and activity
Guided in your heart’s deepest truth and being
By the unseen Infinity of your highest self
For fear
Sit in easy pose and grasp the Sun (ring) finger of the left hand with all the fingers of the right hand. The thumb of the left hand goes under the right hand.
Chant Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Se So Hung. 3 Minutes
For grounding
Sit in easy pose with the hands in prayer pose.
Keeping the hands together inhale and raise the arms up straight. It is like the position for Sat Kriya.
Begin, as in Sat Kriya, chanting Sat Nam, pulling the navel with each repetition.
After three repetitions, slowly chant Wahe Guru as the hands are slowly brought down to the heart level against the body. Repeat this cycle.
Continue for 3 Min, increasing to 11 Minutes
To make you aware and to stimulate the brain
Sit in easy pose and place the hands behind the neck, interlocking the fingers.
Begin chanting “Har” from the navel point, pulling the elbows forward each time “Har” in chanted. 3 Minutes
This exercise stimulates the feeling of the the brain and makes you able to speak so people can hear you.
To become more aware
Sit in easy pose and bring the hands up in front of the body.
Cup the hands slightly and the begin clapping them together, one grasping the other.
Form the mouth into an “O” and exhale the moment your hands clap. 11 Minutes
Kriya To take away pain
A. Sit in easy pose with the left hand up as if taking an oath. Palm in facing forward. Stretch the right arm straight out in front with the palm down. Eyes are closed. Inhale through the nose and exhale with a cannon breath through a circled mouth. Move the right arm up and down powerfully 30-40 cm, two repetitions per second breathing in this way. 3 Minutes
B. Sitting in easy pose, reverse the hand positions. The breathing is the same. 3 Minutes
C. Still sitting in easy pose, bend the arm at the elbow and bring the hands up to the level of the shoulders with the palms facing up. Breathing pattern is the same. Hold the position. 3 Minutes
D. Sit in easy pose with the hands in front of the body, palms facing down. Begin striking the floor with the open palms chanting “Har” with each strike. 3 Minutes
Kriya for people in anxiety
A. Sit in easy pose with the hands in prayer pose in front of the chest. Then move the hands downward with fingers pointing away from the body and then back up again to the original position. This is a fast, shaking motion. Long deep breathing. 3 Minutes
B. Still sitting in easy pose, extend the arms forward, bending the arms at the elbow. Keep the elbows in close to the body, upper arms extend somewhat beyond the shoulder, palms are open and facing the body. Begin bringing the hands in toward the body and then back out again. The movement is about 12 inches. Form a circle with the mouth and breathe in and out rapidly through the mouth. 3 Minutes
C. This is the same as part A., only breathe rapidly in an out through the mouth as in B. 3 Minutes
I've found these meditations helpful when I've been really mad or down or out of sorts. The one day I came home and did one right after the other in 3 minute intervals setting my cell phone timer for the three minutes and restarting everytime the alarm went off. Within a half hour, I felt amazing and filled with great energy and it lasted for a few days. There are a couple that I can't figure out how to do but it doesn't matter, there are more than enough that are easy to figure out.
EY
Meditations for These Times of Crisis
The following meditations were given to us by Yogi Bhajan many years ago.
These meditations were recommended to us by Guru Dev Singh subsequent to the September 11 events to assist us with maintaining our balance in these times of crisis.
Meditation to lead a stress-free existence.
It tonifies the heart and the digestive and elimination systems, and circulates prana to the nadies.
Sitting in easy pose, place the arms up at the sides at an angle of 60 degrees from the horizontal, with the palms facing up and inward. Elbows are straight. Shake the hands vigorously, allowing the arms, shoulders, body, and legs to shake along with them. Do this for 3 minutes.
Place the arms straight out in front, horizontal to the ground. Bend the wrists toward you, so that the Jupiter finger (index finger) points upward. The other fingers are curled under the thumb. Moving only the wrists, rotate the Jupiter fingers outward, then downward, then inward, then upward again. The right hand will have its Jupiter finger rotating clockwise around the wrist, and the left hand counter-clockwise. The arms remain straight and stationary. Try to keep the Jupiter finger in a vertical plane moving around the wrist. Do this for 3 minutes. Then inhale, hold and squeeze, and exhale, three time.
When you feel like you are in a hole.
Sitting in easy pose, hold your arms in front of your chest, forearms parallel to the ground. Place the right hand over the left, about 6 inches, pointing in opposite directions. Palms are facing downward. Move the hands in and out very rapidly. The right hand moves outward away from you as the left hand moves inward toward you. Then the left hand moves outward and the right hand inward.
Keep up this motion for 3 minutes.
Inhale deeply, hold, then exhale, 3 times.
Be aware of external events in a moment of crisis
Sit in easy pose with the elbows bent and the hands up at the level of the shoulders.
Extend the Jupiter (index) fingers up and lock the thumb over the other fingers.
Eyes at the tip of the nose.
Whisper the mantra: Aad Guray Nameh, Jugaad Guray Namay, Sat Guray Nameh, Siri Guru Dayvay Nameh. 11 Minutes
Translation: Guided from the primal core and beginning
Through every moment of experience and activity
Guided in your heart’s deepest truth and being
By the unseen Infinity of your highest self
For fear
Sit in easy pose and grasp the Sun (ring) finger of the left hand with all the fingers of the right hand. The thumb of the left hand goes under the right hand.
Chant Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Se So Hung. 3 Minutes
For grounding
Sit in easy pose with the hands in prayer pose.
Keeping the hands together inhale and raise the arms up straight. It is like the position for Sat Kriya.
Begin, as in Sat Kriya, chanting Sat Nam, pulling the navel with each repetition.
After three repetitions, slowly chant Wahe Guru as the hands are slowly brought down to the heart level against the body. Repeat this cycle.
Continue for 3 Min, increasing to 11 Minutes
To make you aware and to stimulate the brain
Sit in easy pose and place the hands behind the neck, interlocking the fingers.
Begin chanting “Har” from the navel point, pulling the elbows forward each time “Har” in chanted. 3 Minutes
This exercise stimulates the feeling of the the brain and makes you able to speak so people can hear you.
To become more aware
Sit in easy pose and bring the hands up in front of the body.
Cup the hands slightly and the begin clapping them together, one grasping the other.
Form the mouth into an “O” and exhale the moment your hands clap. 11 Minutes
Kriya To take away pain
A. Sit in easy pose with the left hand up as if taking an oath. Palm in facing forward. Stretch the right arm straight out in front with the palm down. Eyes are closed. Inhale through the nose and exhale with a cannon breath through a circled mouth. Move the right arm up and down powerfully 30-40 cm, two repetitions per second breathing in this way. 3 Minutes
B. Sitting in easy pose, reverse the hand positions. The breathing is the same. 3 Minutes
C. Still sitting in easy pose, bend the arm at the elbow and bring the hands up to the level of the shoulders with the palms facing up. Breathing pattern is the same. Hold the position. 3 Minutes
D. Sit in easy pose with the hands in front of the body, palms facing down. Begin striking the floor with the open palms chanting “Har” with each strike. 3 Minutes
Kriya for people in anxiety
A. Sit in easy pose with the hands in prayer pose in front of the chest. Then move the hands downward with fingers pointing away from the body and then back up again to the original position. This is a fast, shaking motion. Long deep breathing. 3 Minutes
B. Still sitting in easy pose, extend the arms forward, bending the arms at the elbow. Keep the elbows in close to the body, upper arms extend somewhat beyond the shoulder, palms are open and facing the body. Begin bringing the hands in toward the body and then back out again. The movement is about 12 inches. Form a circle with the mouth and breathe in and out rapidly through the mouth. 3 Minutes
C. This is the same as part A., only breathe rapidly in an out through the mouth as in B. 3 Minutes
23 April 2008
Day of the Week
An interesting post by Beverlee the Astrologer on her site...
Here's an interesting astrological theory from Robert Camp that I have found to be both valid and effective. It's your personal planetary cycle, based on the concept that the day of the week on which you were born is always your personal Mercury Day. The next day is your personal Venus Day, followed by Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune. See if you notice this pattern in your life. If you don't know the day of the week you were born, Click the title to be brought to Beverlee's site.
YOUR MERCURY DAY
This is usually a day when you are involved in a lot of communications. This could take the form of phone calls, letters, maybe some short car trips. Perhaps you'll interact more with family members on this day. Things tend to happen quickly, without a long-lasting effect. In other words, the day's effect will feel Mercurial.
YOUR VENUS DAY
This is the day of beautification; a time for indulging in luxuries or sensual pleasures. You may want to get a haircut, treat yourself to a massage, or buy something beautiful. You could enjoy a fine dinner, go to the theater, or read a good book. You may notice that on this day you have a special need to focus on relationship issues.
YOUR MARS DAY
This is likely to be either your day of passion or one of impatience and irritability with situations and people. Legal issues may come to the fore. You should have the necessary energy to get a lot accomplished on this day every week so it's a good time to begin a new project. Take care to avoid arguments, though, because you're likely to blame others for your own problems on this day.
YOUR JUPITER DAY
This is your money day! In general you'll probably experience a feeling of prosperity and abundance on this day. You could feel more expansive and come up with good ideas for how to have, do or be more than you have been before on some level. In fact, this could be one of the days of the week you enjoy the most.
YOUR SATURN DAY
You guessed it: time to get disciplined and put some order in your life. This should be easier to accomplish on this day since you're apt to want to be alone anyway. So keep a low profile, roll up your sleeves and tackle any thankless tasks that have accumulated. It's a good day to schedule a dentist or doctor's appointment, too, since Saturn rules the bones, teeth and other health-related matters.
YOUR URANUS DAY
Time to break out of your routine and experience some freedom. You should welcome the release if you've been diligent on your Saturn Day. You could come up with some creative new solutions for problem-solving today. Hang loose, though, because there just might be some sudden and unexpected Uranian event to deal with.
YOUR NEPTUNE DAY
Fantasy and escape time. A time for dreaming or daydreaming. Maybe you'll want to go to a movie or rent a video. Alcohol, music, meditation, a stroll along the beach -- any of these could play a role in your life today. And you may feel more spiritually "connected" to the Universe today so it's a wonderful time for learning about your own hidden dreams and desires.
Here's an interesting astrological theory from Robert Camp that I have found to be both valid and effective. It's your personal planetary cycle, based on the concept that the day of the week on which you were born is always your personal Mercury Day. The next day is your personal Venus Day, followed by Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune. See if you notice this pattern in your life. If you don't know the day of the week you were born, Click the title to be brought to Beverlee's site.
YOUR MERCURY DAY
This is usually a day when you are involved in a lot of communications. This could take the form of phone calls, letters, maybe some short car trips. Perhaps you'll interact more with family members on this day. Things tend to happen quickly, without a long-lasting effect. In other words, the day's effect will feel Mercurial.
YOUR VENUS DAY
This is the day of beautification; a time for indulging in luxuries or sensual pleasures. You may want to get a haircut, treat yourself to a massage, or buy something beautiful. You could enjoy a fine dinner, go to the theater, or read a good book. You may notice that on this day you have a special need to focus on relationship issues.
YOUR MARS DAY
This is likely to be either your day of passion or one of impatience and irritability with situations and people. Legal issues may come to the fore. You should have the necessary energy to get a lot accomplished on this day every week so it's a good time to begin a new project. Take care to avoid arguments, though, because you're likely to blame others for your own problems on this day.
YOUR JUPITER DAY
This is your money day! In general you'll probably experience a feeling of prosperity and abundance on this day. You could feel more expansive and come up with good ideas for how to have, do or be more than you have been before on some level. In fact, this could be one of the days of the week you enjoy the most.
YOUR SATURN DAY
You guessed it: time to get disciplined and put some order in your life. This should be easier to accomplish on this day since you're apt to want to be alone anyway. So keep a low profile, roll up your sleeves and tackle any thankless tasks that have accumulated. It's a good day to schedule a dentist or doctor's appointment, too, since Saturn rules the bones, teeth and other health-related matters.
YOUR URANUS DAY
Time to break out of your routine and experience some freedom. You should welcome the release if you've been diligent on your Saturn Day. You could come up with some creative new solutions for problem-solving today. Hang loose, though, because there just might be some sudden and unexpected Uranian event to deal with.
YOUR NEPTUNE DAY
Fantasy and escape time. A time for dreaming or daydreaming. Maybe you'll want to go to a movie or rent a video. Alcohol, music, meditation, a stroll along the beach -- any of these could play a role in your life today. And you may feel more spiritually "connected" to the Universe today so it's a wonderful time for learning about your own hidden dreams and desires.
Law of Attraction
Wednesday 23Apr08 5:08am
I've started a daily practice of spending quiet reflective time before I go to bed. It's my deliberate creation time where I just lie in bed and think about what I want next, what I want to create. I've pulled out one of my favorite books, Creating Money by Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer. I read a few pages and then contemplate what I've read or find ways to apply it.
I like the Jerry and Esther Hicks Abraham material but find for me that the Sanaya Roman stuff really works. What I like about her work is that she makes you think about the essence of what you want and it gives you something to do to create the energy behind creating what you want.
Almost everything I've read mentions spending quiet, reflective time, aside from meditation, to think and listen and currently it feels like the time for me. Plus it gives me the excuse to lie in bed. ha ha! My bed bought during the pain of 2007 (spit on the ground everytime 2007 is mentioned) is the most comfortable bed I've ever slept in. And considering how much I love sleeping, imagine a world class sleeper sleeping in a comfortable bed. You too would look for opportunities to jump into it.
But I digress...
Last night I read this quote from Creating Money on page 10:
"On the earth plane you learn about manifesting in a linear, sequential way. You get to think about what you want, you get to rethink it, and you get to try it out. You can say, 'No, this isn't what I really wanted,' or 'Next time I think I'll ask for something different.' You have the opportunity to play with all the things you create. ...Practice becoming clear on your thoughts before they are manifested all about you."
I get to a good quote and stop reading the book and reflect on that quote. So as I fell asleep last night I went down with that quote. What I've also started doing is in the morning, when I wake up, I take about 15 minutes or so to listen and ease into getting up. In keeping with that quote, my thoughts were swirling over the things I've deliberately created in my life and the disappointments. I'm actually really good at creating what I want but the disappointments or the things that are missing have stopped me. I started to believe that somehow I was creating bad luck.
Hmm, I'll quote from this morning's journal entry, since I seemed to explain it better there:
I've had some fear behind creating and attracting because I know I'm really good at it but I feel that when I've gotten what I've wanted that there's been some big nightmare attached to it. For example, romantic heartbreak; the working for the life coach nightmare; group sales at OSC, relationship with chronically unavailable man... I've attached fear to deliberately creating because it feels like it fucks up.
But I realize that I need to adjust once I recognize that what I've attracted isn't quite up to par. Plus relax and know that I haven't failed.
... I name a bunch of things that I've created that have been excellent...
But as with everything I can't stop there. I need to then contemplate what's next to attract. As long as we're alive we KEEP attracting. And as we heal we attract healthier. So currently as I attract and as I see what is missing for me in it, I attract what else I want. I need to stop forcing a person or a job into being what's missing. Look at what I've attracted and adjust the list. Based on what I think is missing, write up what I want and live the essence. Things become stagnant because my attracting becomes stagnant.
Anyway, that's the journal entry and I'm feeling like it was a good epiphany for me to move forward. I was being a bit of a perfectionist and when my creations weren't perfect I was disillusioned. I think that's really important for people to recognize who are all wound into the law of attraction movement. I don't think that it's mentioned as clearly, or I've been stubbornly missing that part all this time. But somehow I think that it's not mentioned enough that as you create what you want and discover all these discrepancies (can't think of the right word, it is 5am) that you then zero in on those discrepancies and rethink them, or say, no this isn't what I wanted, or next time I'll ask for something different.
Or, I really love this part of it but I need more of this other stuff.
I was going to sign off by saying, Okay KY time! But I feel uncomfortable calling Kundalini Yoga KY because it makes me think of KY jelly. Okay I'm going to go lube myself now! ha ha
EY
I've started a daily practice of spending quiet reflective time before I go to bed. It's my deliberate creation time where I just lie in bed and think about what I want next, what I want to create. I've pulled out one of my favorite books, Creating Money by Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer. I read a few pages and then contemplate what I've read or find ways to apply it.
I like the Jerry and Esther Hicks Abraham material but find for me that the Sanaya Roman stuff really works. What I like about her work is that she makes you think about the essence of what you want and it gives you something to do to create the energy behind creating what you want.
Almost everything I've read mentions spending quiet, reflective time, aside from meditation, to think and listen and currently it feels like the time for me. Plus it gives me the excuse to lie in bed. ha ha! My bed bought during the pain of 2007 (spit on the ground everytime 2007 is mentioned) is the most comfortable bed I've ever slept in. And considering how much I love sleeping, imagine a world class sleeper sleeping in a comfortable bed. You too would look for opportunities to jump into it.
But I digress...
Last night I read this quote from Creating Money on page 10:
"On the earth plane you learn about manifesting in a linear, sequential way. You get to think about what you want, you get to rethink it, and you get to try it out. You can say, 'No, this isn't what I really wanted,' or 'Next time I think I'll ask for something different.' You have the opportunity to play with all the things you create. ...Practice becoming clear on your thoughts before they are manifested all about you."
I get to a good quote and stop reading the book and reflect on that quote. So as I fell asleep last night I went down with that quote. What I've also started doing is in the morning, when I wake up, I take about 15 minutes or so to listen and ease into getting up. In keeping with that quote, my thoughts were swirling over the things I've deliberately created in my life and the disappointments. I'm actually really good at creating what I want but the disappointments or the things that are missing have stopped me. I started to believe that somehow I was creating bad luck.
Hmm, I'll quote from this morning's journal entry, since I seemed to explain it better there:
I've had some fear behind creating and attracting because I know I'm really good at it but I feel that when I've gotten what I've wanted that there's been some big nightmare attached to it. For example, romantic heartbreak; the working for the life coach nightmare; group sales at OSC, relationship with chronically unavailable man... I've attached fear to deliberately creating because it feels like it fucks up.
But I realize that I need to adjust once I recognize that what I've attracted isn't quite up to par. Plus relax and know that I haven't failed.
... I name a bunch of things that I've created that have been excellent...
But as with everything I can't stop there. I need to then contemplate what's next to attract. As long as we're alive we KEEP attracting. And as we heal we attract healthier. So currently as I attract and as I see what is missing for me in it, I attract what else I want. I need to stop forcing a person or a job into being what's missing. Look at what I've attracted and adjust the list. Based on what I think is missing, write up what I want and live the essence. Things become stagnant because my attracting becomes stagnant.
Anyway, that's the journal entry and I'm feeling like it was a good epiphany for me to move forward. I was being a bit of a perfectionist and when my creations weren't perfect I was disillusioned. I think that's really important for people to recognize who are all wound into the law of attraction movement. I don't think that it's mentioned as clearly, or I've been stubbornly missing that part all this time. But somehow I think that it's not mentioned enough that as you create what you want and discover all these discrepancies (can't think of the right word, it is 5am) that you then zero in on those discrepancies and rethink them, or say, no this isn't what I wanted, or next time I'll ask for something different.
Or, I really love this part of it but I need more of this other stuff.
I was going to sign off by saying, Okay KY time! But I feel uncomfortable calling Kundalini Yoga KY because it makes me think of KY jelly. Okay I'm going to go lube myself now! ha ha
EY
22 April 2008
In a second
Tuesday 6:22am 22Apr08
I've been telling myself every day, "Your life can change in a second." Just trying to keep my head up and not get engrossed in the problems that can arise and bury me.
Your life can change in a second, as I drag my ass out of bed and start all that I like to do before I go to work.
Your life can change in a second, as I sit at work wishing for something different but not totally sure what that different is. It's hard to get specific when you can't figure out what you want to do next. Well I know what I want to do but I still need to pay the rent.
Your life can change in a second, as I pull out my mat and practice my Kundalini Yoga.
Over the last couple weekends, I've tried to relax. I'm always so full of what needs to be done that even on the weekends I'm doing some kind of work, writing, cleaning the house, getting groceries, doing laundry. The last two Saturdays in a row, I've listened to what I want for that moment and have basically napped a lot and listened to music and just relaxed without guilt.
Sunday night I was contemplating how to focus my efforts and build in more relaxation time. I logged into my email to send myself reminders to my work email and was surprised by a message saying that a friend of mine who I'd lost contact with had added me as a friend on Facebook. At first I thought it was another friend who I'm already friends with. Then it clicked into my brain that the last name was different and Holy shit, it's him!
We've since sent eachother a couple messages and in his first he asked, "Now that I've found you, when you coming for a visit?" He lives in and is from Australia. And so my life has changed in a second. I've been fantasizing about moving to Australia. And although that may not happen, it's opened me up again to all the possibilities that are available to me. The beauty about being a single person is that you can up and leave without a second thought. You can do some things that may appear to be crazy to others. That motivated me to face some issues that I need to clean up and I've since started the ball rolling in a big way to clean up those messes. Plus I've got something to save up for... a trip to Australia.
I've already researched where he lives and it's too funny. For years I always talked about moving to BC but that has since left my reality because it's more expensive than Toronto. Isn't where he lives in Australia like BC? When I came to Toronto 25 years ago, I only knew one person. So really, what's the difference of moving to Australia and only knowing one person?
EY
I've been telling myself every day, "Your life can change in a second." Just trying to keep my head up and not get engrossed in the problems that can arise and bury me.
Your life can change in a second, as I drag my ass out of bed and start all that I like to do before I go to work.
Your life can change in a second, as I sit at work wishing for something different but not totally sure what that different is. It's hard to get specific when you can't figure out what you want to do next. Well I know what I want to do but I still need to pay the rent.
Your life can change in a second, as I pull out my mat and practice my Kundalini Yoga.
Over the last couple weekends, I've tried to relax. I'm always so full of what needs to be done that even on the weekends I'm doing some kind of work, writing, cleaning the house, getting groceries, doing laundry. The last two Saturdays in a row, I've listened to what I want for that moment and have basically napped a lot and listened to music and just relaxed without guilt.
Sunday night I was contemplating how to focus my efforts and build in more relaxation time. I logged into my email to send myself reminders to my work email and was surprised by a message saying that a friend of mine who I'd lost contact with had added me as a friend on Facebook. At first I thought it was another friend who I'm already friends with. Then it clicked into my brain that the last name was different and Holy shit, it's him!
We've since sent eachother a couple messages and in his first he asked, "Now that I've found you, when you coming for a visit?" He lives in and is from Australia. And so my life has changed in a second. I've been fantasizing about moving to Australia. And although that may not happen, it's opened me up again to all the possibilities that are available to me. The beauty about being a single person is that you can up and leave without a second thought. You can do some things that may appear to be crazy to others. That motivated me to face some issues that I need to clean up and I've since started the ball rolling in a big way to clean up those messes. Plus I've got something to save up for... a trip to Australia.
I've already researched where he lives and it's too funny. For years I always talked about moving to BC but that has since left my reality because it's more expensive than Toronto. Isn't where he lives in Australia like BC? When I came to Toronto 25 years ago, I only knew one person. So really, what's the difference of moving to Australia and only knowing one person?
EY
19 April 2008
Growth?
Saturday 19Apr08 4pm
I've been moving slow and trying to listen within for the next steps. I'm learning to be more patient with the process and reminding myself of some of the things I have learned over the years.
The main learning that I've been focused on is that I can't make any major decisions when I'm angry. Especially when it's an explosive anger, which it was about a month ago. In my explosive anger if I make a major decision it will be to shut down the shop and get the fuck out of dodge. But as I calm down and take the time to think I realize that I need to be practical and line up my bowling pins and get the focus needed to knock them all down with the one ball.
It isn't an easy thing to do. Our society is notorious for instant gratification and boy oh boy as my sister in law used to say, "God grant me patience but I want it right now!"
I'm realizing that I need to take more silent time. That I don't need the things that help me to avoid what I'm feeling like television or alcohol. In fact, since I've started doing Kundalini Yoga, I've noticed that when I think of buying beer on the way home from work I talk myself out of it. I haven't gone to the bar for a month. My internal voice reminds me that alcohol and heightened emotions cause people to do really stupid things, and who needs that? And the crap that we call television shows offer no real inspiration and help us to picture stupidity and violence and all sorts of negativity that we can't help but to attract more of it in our lives.
So I pull a boatload of books off my bookshelves. I read beginnings of books or flip through books or pile books on my desk for future use. I'm a little restless but I know it's part of the process. I either sleep too much or wake up after an hour or two of sleep and can't get back to sleep. My dreams are vivid and a tad weird and sometimes disturbing. Well, only one disturbing dream! I finally realized yesterday that if I can't sleep, I need to listen within and hear what it is that I need to hear.
One of the things I'm hearing within myself is about my stubbornness. Two days after my explosive anger I woke up with the sore neck and shoulders. I immediately made a Shiatsu appointment and as I was on the table and Julian was working on my neck I said without thinking about it, "all my stubbornness is in my neck." I was stunned about that in that , 'who said that?' way. After the treatment (getting beat up, as I jokingly told Julian) I wrote in my journal, 'my stubbornness is in my neck. What am I being stubborn about?' I still haven't written about it in my journal but it hovers in my mind as I go through each day.
I can of course be stubborn about my anger. Rehash my thoughts about a situation so I can't move forward nor forgive. So as it sits now I'm in full fledged coping mode. I walk with the protective shield around me. Which means that I share with limited people. I'm personable but keep most issues at arm's length. I'm in deep thinking, trying to make meaning of some of the issues that continue to pop up in my life. Stuff as far back as my childhood.
I face the jealousies. The first jealousy that I can remember was from my step sister who is also a Pisces. As children, I didn't get that to her, I had moved into her space. She was the oldest daughter and she had her father. When I came around, I became the oldest daughter and I had her father. Of course because she never lived with us, she didn't know the hell that was my daily life. She didn't witness her father's violence or demands or full out fuckery. When she and her sister came over for weekends and weeks at a time in the summers, the unspoken rule was that everything had to be perfect for my step dad's daughters. If he and my mother seemed like they were going to have an argument, he would drive his daughters back to their mother's house, then drive back for the argument. I never understood my step sister's need to compete with me especially since I felt no need to compete with her. But of course when you think that I am living some charmed life you're going to be bitter when you think it should be your charmed life.
Those type of jealousies have been popping up with me and although it is laughable, it really is quite disturbing and disheartening. What I notice is how some people are focused on keeping track of what I receive as if it's so much more than what they are receiving. The laughable part is that these people live in big houses, go on expensive vacations, have materialistic things and they are somehow jealous of me where it borders on a form of insanity. Seriously? When have I been on a fucking cruise? EVER!
I'm contemplating the childhood jealousy and the fake reality that my step sister was fed. And I'm contemplating the adult jealousies. I try to look for ways to reconcile all that is swirling around in my mind. What in the world does anyone have to be jealous about where I am concerned? Except for that small fact that happiness is free. You don't have to have material things in order to be happy. You don't have to go on cruises or backpack through Europe or hang out in some $80,000 a day room in Dubai to be happy. You can just choose to be happy for the simplest reasons. And that may be the rub. It took me three weeks to get rid of the all consuming anger that was raging within me and ultimately the only answer that keeps popping into my sometimes stubborn brain is to be happy despite the bullshit. Keep practicing Kundalini Yoga cuz it makes me feel good and calms me inside. hmm! And keep going for those Shiatsu treatments that take me out of my head and bring me back into my body.
EY
I've been moving slow and trying to listen within for the next steps. I'm learning to be more patient with the process and reminding myself of some of the things I have learned over the years.
The main learning that I've been focused on is that I can't make any major decisions when I'm angry. Especially when it's an explosive anger, which it was about a month ago. In my explosive anger if I make a major decision it will be to shut down the shop and get the fuck out of dodge. But as I calm down and take the time to think I realize that I need to be practical and line up my bowling pins and get the focus needed to knock them all down with the one ball.
It isn't an easy thing to do. Our society is notorious for instant gratification and boy oh boy as my sister in law used to say, "God grant me patience but I want it right now!"
I'm realizing that I need to take more silent time. That I don't need the things that help me to avoid what I'm feeling like television or alcohol. In fact, since I've started doing Kundalini Yoga, I've noticed that when I think of buying beer on the way home from work I talk myself out of it. I haven't gone to the bar for a month. My internal voice reminds me that alcohol and heightened emotions cause people to do really stupid things, and who needs that? And the crap that we call television shows offer no real inspiration and help us to picture stupidity and violence and all sorts of negativity that we can't help but to attract more of it in our lives.
So I pull a boatload of books off my bookshelves. I read beginnings of books or flip through books or pile books on my desk for future use. I'm a little restless but I know it's part of the process. I either sleep too much or wake up after an hour or two of sleep and can't get back to sleep. My dreams are vivid and a tad weird and sometimes disturbing. Well, only one disturbing dream! I finally realized yesterday that if I can't sleep, I need to listen within and hear what it is that I need to hear.
One of the things I'm hearing within myself is about my stubbornness. Two days after my explosive anger I woke up with the sore neck and shoulders. I immediately made a Shiatsu appointment and as I was on the table and Julian was working on my neck I said without thinking about it, "all my stubbornness is in my neck." I was stunned about that in that , 'who said that?' way. After the treatment (getting beat up, as I jokingly told Julian) I wrote in my journal, 'my stubbornness is in my neck. What am I being stubborn about?' I still haven't written about it in my journal but it hovers in my mind as I go through each day.
I can of course be stubborn about my anger. Rehash my thoughts about a situation so I can't move forward nor forgive. So as it sits now I'm in full fledged coping mode. I walk with the protective shield around me. Which means that I share with limited people. I'm personable but keep most issues at arm's length. I'm in deep thinking, trying to make meaning of some of the issues that continue to pop up in my life. Stuff as far back as my childhood.
I face the jealousies. The first jealousy that I can remember was from my step sister who is also a Pisces. As children, I didn't get that to her, I had moved into her space. She was the oldest daughter and she had her father. When I came around, I became the oldest daughter and I had her father. Of course because she never lived with us, she didn't know the hell that was my daily life. She didn't witness her father's violence or demands or full out fuckery. When she and her sister came over for weekends and weeks at a time in the summers, the unspoken rule was that everything had to be perfect for my step dad's daughters. If he and my mother seemed like they were going to have an argument, he would drive his daughters back to their mother's house, then drive back for the argument. I never understood my step sister's need to compete with me especially since I felt no need to compete with her. But of course when you think that I am living some charmed life you're going to be bitter when you think it should be your charmed life.
Those type of jealousies have been popping up with me and although it is laughable, it really is quite disturbing and disheartening. What I notice is how some people are focused on keeping track of what I receive as if it's so much more than what they are receiving. The laughable part is that these people live in big houses, go on expensive vacations, have materialistic things and they are somehow jealous of me where it borders on a form of insanity. Seriously? When have I been on a fucking cruise? EVER!
I'm contemplating the childhood jealousy and the fake reality that my step sister was fed. And I'm contemplating the adult jealousies. I try to look for ways to reconcile all that is swirling around in my mind. What in the world does anyone have to be jealous about where I am concerned? Except for that small fact that happiness is free. You don't have to have material things in order to be happy. You don't have to go on cruises or backpack through Europe or hang out in some $80,000 a day room in Dubai to be happy. You can just choose to be happy for the simplest reasons. And that may be the rub. It took me three weeks to get rid of the all consuming anger that was raging within me and ultimately the only answer that keeps popping into my sometimes stubborn brain is to be happy despite the bullshit. Keep practicing Kundalini Yoga cuz it makes me feel good and calms me inside. hmm! And keep going for those Shiatsu treatments that take me out of my head and bring me back into my body.
EY
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