Scott Sonnon's Morning Exercise

As a morning exercise to focus my day, charge my body, vitalize my emotions and clarify my vision, I recorded the 29 Most Impacting Attitude Changes I started doing which has kept me on my path:

1. Instead of mulling around the wrong people, places, activities, food and attitudes, I started walking with the right ones.

2. Instead of running away from my obstacles, anxieties and fears, I started turning and running at them. (Most disappeared; the remainder, I finally began resolving.)

3. Instead of lying to myself, I held myself accountable. Even if they hurt, they turned out to be for the better.

4. Instead of putting my needs second, I began to put them first; and as a result, my best use better served others.

5. Instead of trying to be someone I'm not, I began to embrace everything I am (and discovered my uniquenesses which no one else can duplicate.)

6. Instead of clutching the pain of the past or chasing the worry of the future, I began to relish the incredible potential of "right now."

7. Instead of being afraid of making mistakes, I started to embrace them with humor and gratitude for the path to my success has been paved with my failures but overgrown when I had quit and when I never had started.

8. Instead of beating myself up about prior mistakes, I began to see their experience and insight had brought me to my awareness of the right choices.

9. Instead of trying to purchase happiness, I started to give it away (and - ironically - have become happy finally.)

10. Instead of hoping others would make me happy, I decided I was perfectly enough, and as a result, capable of happiness without anyone filling a perceived void within me.

11. Instead of drifting on the current, I decided to GROW with the flow, and - all things be damned - stand against it, if my values compelled me.

12. Instead of worrying that I wasn't ready for something, I accepted that no one can be perfectly prepared. I stepped up to bat and started swinging; and made a few great hits that I'd never had, would I have not swung and missed some.

13. Instead of getting involved with relationships for the wrong reasons, I candidly opened conversations on the right reasons for me to stay with someone. Many left; those who mattered, always have remained.

14. Instead of rejecting new relationships because of past hurts, I accepted that risking pain of lost love is better than risking loss of opportunities to feel love.

15. Instead of competing against everyone in order to win everything, I started to play with everyone in all things, and discovered I could not lose anything.

16. Instead of coveting the scarce resources I did not have, I started expressing gratitude for the abundance I did (and surprisingly, greater fulfillment followed.)

17. Instead of complaining, and pitying myself, I started cheering and celebrating myself; instead of lamenting the limitations of my disabilities; I started relishing the limitlessness of my genius.

18. Instead of holding space for grudges in my heart, I freed myself from their bondage. Forgiving others didn't excuse their behaviors and attitudes; it liberated my own.

19. Instead of letting others drag me down, I either gave them a hand up, or lived my life unapologetically. (Surprisingly, like those others above me had inspired me to climb, some stopped trying to drag others down, and climbed up themselves.)

20. Instead of trying to apologize for being myself, I started thanking others for being true to themselves. Ironically, living authentically became effortless.

21. Instead of pushing incessantly to fill a sense of lacking worth, I took periodic pauses to marvel at the life given to me, and appreciated ever more greatly the blessing of being able to drive for that in which I so passionately believe.

22. Instead of awaiting the next big thing to be completed, or to arrive, I started reveling in the continual stream of the little things; and discovered they hold the greatest significance.

23. Instead of trying to make everything perfect, I realized they already are, even when they're full of flaws and mistakes... just like me.

24. Instead of following the path of least resistance, I started creating the path upon which my heart compelled me to explore... No matter how great the resistance; and realized, only ever a solitary individual with one humble act had ever turned the tide. It started with me.

25. Instead of living the lie that everything is fine, when I found unacceptable circumstances, I calmly but defiantly began saying no. Ironically, more chances to say yes began to appear.

26. Instead of giving away my power by blaming others, I started empowering myself with the responsibility to change.

27. Instead of trying to be all things to all people, I decided I was going to be everything I could whenever I could. Ironically, I found myself of greater value to more people.

28. Instead of worrying so much, I started believing in the power of faith. By giving up anything I could not change to God, I began able to change everything that I needed to change for myself.

29. Instead of fixating on what I didn't want to happen, I started vividly imagining what I did, passionately pursing it, enjoying the steps, and relishing my mistakes. Surprisingly, what I most wanted, what I ultimately needed, began to happen more often.

Very Respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/ScottSonnon

Minimalist in Training or The Big Purge of 2013

Last night, I started Day 1 of getting rid of my stuff. I started with books because my place is filled with them and books will be the hardest thing to let go of. I started with three empty boxes:
1- Keep
2- Recycle/Garbage
3- Sell

As I was sorting through the books in the shelves under my window I could see how difficult this could be. Talk about emotional attachments to books. When you write and even beyond that, when you love to read, it's hard to let go. I wasn't getting too far because honestly, the books were going in the keep box and the Sell box was empty. So I added a fourth box - Undecided. That helped me to pull some books out of the Keep box and really got the process flowing. And some books started making it in to the sell box as well.

I went to a used book store on my way home from work on Monday and asked if they buy a lot of books, "Like buggies full," and Buddy said they are happy to buy buggies full. It's a good quality used book store so they'd be going to a good way station before they go to a good home. Um, yes, emotional attachment to books.

I've negotiated with myself on a couple things to make the process easier.
1- Now that I've unplugged the television, I can read more of the books I do own and then sell them
2- The books that I sell immediately, I will write a list of titles and authors (that still interest me) and I can purchase them on Kindle or Kobo, if I really want to read them. I know full well that my attention goes off in other directions so I probably won't buy them for my e-reader but it's the mind trick I'm playing with myself that will help me to move it along.

I set aside some children's books that I will pass on to my girlfriend for her young daughter. The little one isn't quite at reading age but she is definitely at being read to age. Plus some activity books from my child and youth work days, that will definitely be interesting to her for years to come. Especially since My friend is very crafty.

So really it's become 5 boxes.

I figure I'll start this way first and once I've gone through everything I will do the major one, that the minimalists recommend, packing up everything in your house as if you are moving and finding out what you actually use during a week or two and what you never touch. It makes sense to have less stuff before I do that one.

I do live in an apartment building where, if you leave your discarded stuff on the window sills in the stairway, other people pick up what they want from it. But with books (emotional attachment) if I leave them out there and they aren't taken I always take them back. I can't bear the thought of books ending up in the garbage. So that's the main reason why I'm selling them.

I took the week off work as a needed vacation because last week was pretty irritating and I realize that it was irritating because I haven't had time off since Bermuda and that was the first week of June. Only I could think this is a fun vacation but I'm actually really stoked. I've made plans with a couple girlfriends and am contacting a couple more girlfriends in hopes of making plans so there will be social fun and laughter and beer in the midst.

I realize that I'm not telling anyone anything new about purging and making changes in our lives. It was part of the gremlin/ critic in my head the other day. You know that ass that tells you, Who do you think you are? Why are you writing about these things everybody is laughing at you, is going to laugh at you? You aren't telling anyone anything that they couldn't find better information any where else. The Gremlin has been on full throttle. He's screaming actually. But I'm working through him anyway. I'm showing up anyway. I'm writing about what's going on anyway. I know when I get to the other side, something positive will come of it. Gremlins only say positive things once the work is finished, never during the actual pain and perspiration. Gremlins don't do work, they hinder work.

I've been blogging since 2006 and I only saw, could only see, the body of work when I looked back through the archives years later.

My ultimate goal is to get down to only having books on the four book cases that I own.
1- One bookcase has my favourite authors: Nancy Huston; A.M Homes; Jasper Fforde. And books that I re-read (Alice Walker; Richard Wright; The Great Gatsby; Five Smooth Stones etc)
2 & 3 - My two large bookcases have the workbooks: writing manuals/handbooks; Numerology/Astrology/Tarot; Kundalini Yoga/ Qigong; Energy work/Self development; Creativity/Drawing; Dream work (lucid dreams) etc. I need to get these cases down to the essentials and weed out the books that don't really do it for me.
4 - One bookcase has all the books I've purchased at IFOA (International Festival of Author's)
That's the direction I move towards.

The Boxes of Purge:
1- Keep
2- Recycle/Garbage
3- Sell
4- Undecided
5- Give away


EY

Are you Trading Your Life for What You Love to Do?

Work frustrations come and go in cycles. The last couple of days have been hard ones for some reason. Whenever the really hard days happen I get hit with a brainwave to help me cope through it. Today's brainwave was to look for something inspiring to focus on instead of the things that aggravate me. I've decided I'm going to do that everyday from now on.

Today's was from John Assaraf:

Are you trading your life for what you love to do? Who you love to be with? Are you asking the big questions like who do I want to become? What do I want to experience, give, share and be? Powerful questions will give you powerful answers. Decide today to go after the biggest goals you can imagine and trade your life for the biggest, fullest, most amazing expression possible of yourself! You have it in you or you wouldn't have the thoughts about it!

Are you trading your life doing what you love? Are you asking yourself powerful questions like What will it take for me to be fulfilled? Happy? in love, Passionate? What are the biggest goals I want to achieve and what do I want to experience, do, give, be and become? These are powerful questions worthy of finding the answers to and trading your life in pursuit of making them a reality.

In answer to those questions I've unplugged my television for the rest of the month of August to start. I'm playing with the experiment of seeing how much I can get done in my spare time. It's so easy to turn on the television when I get home and then it stays on. It's not like there's much in the way of 'Quality Programming" that feeds my mind. So I'm starting there.

And I'm working out. Most of the work frustrations will be less irritating with a regular working out and burning off some steam. Truth be told, I've got some serious work out gear in my place. I could do some circuit training. heh! But seriously.

And another article that I posted on my Facebook wall today, Are You as Busy as You think? by Laura Vanderkam had information that I've seen recently and now I know it comes from that article.

Here's the quote:

Change your language. Instead of saying "I don't have time" try saying "it's not a priority," and see how that feels. Often, that's a perfectly adequate explanation. I have time to iron my sheets, I just don't want to. But other things are harder. Try it: "I'm not going to edit your résumé, sweetie, because it's not a priority." "I don't go to the doctor because my health is not a priority." If these phrases don't sit well, that's the point. Changing our language reminds us that time is a choice. If we don't like how we're spending an hour, we can choose differently.

What is a priority to me?
It's certainly not being focused on the amount of people who don't do their jobs and affect my job negatively. That drama is exhausting and I don't have the same energy level I did in my 20's and 30's for that. So as they help to polish me into the next phase of who I want to become, I set my priorities on writing, something I've always loved and used to put on the back burner for some reason or another.

As part of this priority, I stuck my neck out a little more and told some more friends about the page I have on Facebook. The page most of my friends don't know I have. So I gained another 11 or 12 more people who may take the time to read an entry or two. So welcome to you all if you're reading what I'm writing. Back in my early days of blogging when nobody knew I was doing this I would swear a lot but I've managed to curb the cussing over the last couple years. I try to label my entries so if something interests you click on the label and you'll probably find a few more entries in that vein.

And as always, Thank you to the friends who have been following me since I started my facebook page over a year ago - my Plurk Buddies; the MNINBers, who I virtually met through the platform challenge (April 2012); the friends who have my phone number (and know what my laugh sounds like) and friends like Sarah and Christine who I've followed for years because they inspire me. I'm grateful for your ever present support.

EY

Magic and Asking Questions

Image of Ray Bradbury in his Basement office courtesy of http://www.mattselznick.com/2012/06/06/ray-bradbury/


I've been focusing on the inspirational aspects of social media. It's so easy to get caught up in wasting time. Playing too many Facebook games. Reading silly articles for the comments sections (people can be downright mean in them, holy cow).
And as always, I'm looking at ways to improve and ultimately change the course of my life.

I'd like to move in a new direction in my life and I'm looking for strong answers to move me forward.
I've got back into listening to Ted Talks. It really does feed the mind. On the weekend I found a couple of talks that have made me think about my options. Well going backwards in all this, back in the winter I was out with a girlfriend, Sandra. We talk mostly about what we are doing and where we want to go. At one point I confessed that Toronto feels like it has served its purpose for me and now I'm starting to think about where I'd like to live next. I've never really loved Toronto the way I loved Montreal and the plan never was to stay here.

The big thing of course is possessions. How do you even begin to look at purging 32 years of collecting? What must I keep?
Life has changed so much for me. Back in the day, I wanted a crazy Ray Bradbury room of stuff that explodes the imagination with ideas to write.

Nowadays I'm more interested in being a minimalist. The lighter you are, the quicker you can move. Or as my friend Vanessa said a few years ago, "If you own nothing, nothing owns you." That comment has stuck with me for years. And being in my 1 Personal year of a new 9 year cycle looking at what I want this 9 year cycle to stand for is ever present.

One Ted Talks made me think about how simple I could make my life
Jon Jandai - Life is easy, why do we make it so hard

and the other one made me think about tangible ways to get there.
Adam Baker - Sell Your Crap, Pay Your Debt, Do What You Love

The funny thing, the magic in these thoughts, is that since I've watched these two talks I struck up a conversation with a business man who sits outside where I do when I take my breaks at work. We've both have sat out there for years and out of the blue I strike up a conversation. Doesn't he say that he's a minimalist and has been for 5 years and he's the happiest he's ever been. Yep.

I've been playing with living a simpler life for at least a decade. This new 9 year period, I want to take living a simpler life a step further and purge. Seriously purge.

Today I found these guys, The Minimalists.
The link takes you to their 21 days on how they became minimalists. One of the ideas that struck me was to pack up everything in your house/apartment and only unpack what you need as you need it. After a week or so, you come to realize that most of the stuff you have you don't even use. Right?

EY

Changing With The Times

I love Journalling. The best part is that I can write something down, forget about it, and later when I'm reading through entries realize that what I wrote about is actually being created in my life.

While I was in Bermuda in June, I listened to a Joel Osteen sermon on television while I was waiting for my friends to come get me. His main message was to embrace where you are.

I wrote in my journal - "Listening to Joel Osteen and he's reminded me about relaxing into the situation.

When you're between jobs and you're looking for another job and the stress that comes up. Always in the end, when you get the job, you wish you would have relaxed more. Made better use of that free time. That's my new moon wish to relax more into my life and into what is going on as it happens. I know the energy of my life has changed, so let me continue to change along with it. What are the good qualities of where I am?"

I've noticed that since I wrote that journal entry I've been changing the way I phrase things. I did it just last week. I won two tickets to a spoken word event and I was telling a co-worker about the event the day after. I actually said, "I won the tickets and I was going to say that I never win anything but the energy of my life has changed so not winning is not true for me anymore."

Even my Bermuda trip was something that wouldn't happen for me in the past. Mind you, I didn't have a passport. But I feel like the energy of my life is changing and yes, it's definitely because of the small actions I am taking. Like getting a passport and going out of my way to look for the information that ultimately won me the spoken word tickets.

Today I wrote in my journal, "Change yourself, change your thoughts, to meet your changing life."

More of Joel Osteen's message that inspired me that I've been working with:
You couldn't go where you're going without the people who keep you down, make your life difficult. They are polishing you as long as you continue to shine your light. Enjoy your life while God is changing the circumstances.
"This is where you have me right now and God I know you are working on my future. While I'm waiting I'm not going to worry. I trust you God."
Some things you can only learn in the struggle. God is getting you prepared. Stay in faith even when it's difficult. Keep doing the right things even when the wrong things happen. It's not happening to me, it's happening for me. Embrace where you are! Keep the faith and trust. And Maybe what you're praying for is too small that's why you haven't received it. (If what I'm praying for is too small, what is a sizeable dream to pray for?)

I love the idea of being polished. How many times have we looked back in our lives and saw the path that led us to where we were? If so and so hadn't have been so miserable we wouldn't have left that city and moved to this city where we have been able to find our confidence, our self-respect, our power!

When I got back from Bermuda I, of course, had a lot waiting for me when I got back to work. My first frustration was a co-worker who didn't keep me in the loop for work we both know full well that I needed to be informed of. I emailed her telling her that I couldn't accept the form she'd sent me because I had nothing to back it up.
She emailed me back, "Oh I got the authorization from the rep. You were away so I didn't bother to send it to you." and she attached the authorization.
In my head, I was thinking, 'well she knows I need that information, why the heck wouldn't she copy me on it?' But I never said it to her.
Moments later, as if she heard my thoughts, she sent me an email saying, "I'm so sorry I didn't send you the information..." and some other stuff about hoping I wasn't mad at her for the needless frustration.
I emailed her back, "It's okay. Like Joel Osteen said, you are polishing me." ha-ha!


What are the good qualities of where I am?
Change yourself, change your thoughts, to meet your changing life.
If what I'm praying for is too small, what is a sizeable dream for me to pray for?
Who is polishing me? How is this situation polishing me?

And, as luck would have it, Joel Osteen is on now. His message today goes fittingly with his June message - Be positive or be quiet. You may think negative but don't speak it out.

I may have thought, "I never win anything," but I caught myself and didn't say it because I'm making it no longer true for me.

EY

Being Small

On Grey's Anatomy tonight Bailey said, "I don't want to make myself small. If I stay here I'll have to keep making
myself small"

You can always tell the woman's touch in the writing of Grey's. There's always a good quote that makes me think about how I feel about things.

How often do we make ourselves smaller just to keep the peace. I won't be honest, I won't speak my mind just to avoid an argument. I won't show how happy I am or mention my good news because some people may feel insecure about it. I won't look like I enjoy myself too much. Won't bring too much attention to myself. Really, I'll just stop being me.

Do we always have to leave situations where we're made to feel small? If we stay, how can we stay and keep some sort of balance? Maybe the people who keep challenging us, taunting us to be small are really here to remind us to be our big selves, our true selves, our full selves. We need to stop being small because it doesn't work anyway.

No person in an abusive relationship has ever stopped the abuse by being quiet.

EY

Gratitude 2013

12Feb13

I made plans with my friend Ben back in May 2012 to meet up with him and his family in Niagara Falls in late December 2012. We hadn't seen each other in 16 years. We'd lost contact for about 10 years and with the beauty of social media, namely, Facebook, he found me and we've been in touch ever since. I still can't believe he found me or that he remembered my last name because NOBODY ever spells my last name right. Just goes to show you, me, when someone really really cares...

We met up in Niagara Falls and it was like we'd never had all those years between us. We got on like a house on fire and laughed and insulted each other and kept stopping in mid sentence to just look at each other. His family asked the questions like, How did you two meet? And when I told the story, Ben laughed out loud, "that's exactly what happened!" ha-ha! He would tell me a memory of us that was still in the forefront of his mind and I would tell him my memory.

Shit! I'm smiling as I'm typing!

It was a wonderful trip. So wonderful to be around him and his boyfriend and his family. The over priced tours of which we paid too much for the crazy pictures the tour organizers took of us. I never buy those pictures! But they are such special memories for all of us. We paid. One of the best things that was said was after his boyfriend asked me about my cats and I made a funny face like, How so you know about my cats, and Brett says, "oh Ben always shows me your facebook page and status updates because he's usually laughing."

Can you hear the girl's high pitched, Ahhhhh!? Yeah it was said. lol

Anyway, once the parents went up to their Hotel room and the three of us went to the bar and chatted and caught up and reminisced, Ben asked, "When are you coming to Australia?"
Without skipping a beat I said, "for my 50th birthday, in a year."
So I'm saving up to go to Australia in March of 2014.

I came back to Toronto after our whirlwind weekend of silliness and new inside jokes and a smile to end all smiles and that's when I knew that this year was going to be all about gratitude. I have a lot to be grateful for, I want to focus on that.

Some of what I'm grateful for today:

Earlier in December, my cop friend sent me a message asking, are we going to see each other before Christmas? I replied that I'd understand if she was too busy being married and with a young child. But I could really use seeing you because such and such happened. She messaged me right back saying, I just spoke to my husband and he'll stay home with our daughter on Saturday can we meet up then? I was working but was available the Sunday, could she? Yep, spoke to husband and he would stay with their daughter on Sunday night instead. I am grateful because I never say I need anyone and one of the few times I did, they really moved mountains. They both work shifts and can be on opposite shifts and the like. This was no easy task.

My friends who know I'm a little hokey and never make fun of it. Hey a lot of people aren't into Astrology and Numerology and Messages from the Universe and half the things that I live my life by. But more people are starting to.

My cats. If you live with animals they really get to know you and they do things, special things. Yesterday morning during my anxiety Gatsby did something that he hasn't done in forever. He bit my feet while I was doing yoga. I think it's been about 2 years. He used to bite my feet during every yoga session and I would laugh hysterically. I got onto my yoga mat with my head hung a little low and when I did the move where the opposite leg and the opposite arm come up as my leg came back down he jumped my foot and bit me. I did a girlish squeal and started to laugh then I hugged him for being my pal. ha! Zelda has been super affectionate and Stormy has been really funny, as kittens are.

Budgeting! I'm committed to budgeting because of Australia, obviously. And it's been great. I've been getting the best groceries, getting the flyers, cooking based on sales and I've lost 5lbs in the mix. Grateful for that. Could lose another 20. Give 'er time! ;)

My Apartment. It's not extravagant but I can afford where I live, it has all that I need and it has peace and silence.

Blogging. I was telling a friend last week that he doesn't know the gifts that writing a page a day will bring him and that I'd been blogging off and on since 2006 (where have the years gone?!?) and because of it I've been able to find clarity on an idea that I've been bouncing in ny head for a few years. So I'm working on that idea.

Grateful for my new rocking chair. Been wanting one forever and overheard a co-worker discussing rocking chairs in her phone conversation. I said, not that I was eavesdropping but are you getting rid of a rocking chair? She didn't want to unless she was giving it to a good home. I have the good home. (smiles)

Another co-worker, my son, worked an event that had a lot of leftover cheese. He left me a box in the fridge at work with 10 different types of cheese. Full packages. I laughed my head off when I opened the box. I don't think I can eat all that cheese but I'ma try! Too funny.

My motto in 2010 was, 'I want to feel good'. I want to graduate that idea to 'I want to look for the Good.'
When you see it, you feel it.

EY

Challenging People

12Feb13

The most challenging people in your life are there for you to learn how to maintain your light. The real value of the connection is for you to be able to remember who you are and to evolve from lifetimes of suffering, sacrifice and martyrdom into the power of your own presence. Our healing occurs when we stand in the light in spite of the darkness we are surrounded by. When we release our guilt over being in the light when others appear to be in darkness (which is their choice), we become better teachers and leaders. We can lead others out of darkness not by showing them how dark it is in the dark, by become an example of how much more powerful it is to live in the light. We didn't come to the world to turn our light off but to shine it brightly, so shine on and live in joy, without guilt.

I've been trying to ask the Universe for help lately. You know how you can ask yourself a question and get an answer to it in random places?

I've got a couple of really challenging people in my work life. One of them looks for ways to punish me repeatedly because he's mad at me. I told him he was nasty when I discovered him flossing his teeth in the office. I'm sorry, that is nasty. And the other challenging person has been a challenge for 6 years now. I've tried everything. I've tried to avoid this person. I've tried to befriend this person. I've tried to ignore this person. And then some.

This person is like my Mercury Retrograde Nemesis. She'll be calm and forget about me for months at a time and then like Mercury Retrograde she'll peek back around wreaking that murphy's law type of havoc in my life. I don't get it. I've always been of the belief that we agree we don't like each other so let's just stay away from each other. The Challenging ones never seem to live by that motto.

It's been about two weeks now since she's begun her campaign again. Lord only knows what set her off.
But the one Wednesday she blamed me for something that clearly wasn't my fault and I knew it was time to move into avoidance mode as much as possible. Hey I'm a Pisces, we can disappear while standing right in front of you. We have skills. lol Sadly the avoidance mode hasn't been working. It's like she made a pact with herself to remember to pick at me from every angle.

I started to feel anxious about the whole thing because I was thinking it through too much. I was thinking, preparing, myself for all the angles she was going to come at me from. Thinking about where I might need to cover myself. Thinking about what I might say in my own defence. Thinking, thinking, thinking and driving myself a little crazy. Okay more than a little.

Yesterday I got up to get ready for work and I felt dread. The chatter in my head was about: I've fought all these battles before, I've proven myself time and time again, I don't want to have to do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, Oh My God I'm going to have to find another job! I worked myself up and then I realized, I can't go to work like this. So I got quiet.

What am I going to do? I looked up a little and said, "Okay, can you help me out here? I need your help, I don't know what I should do."
I thought I'll do some yoga to stretch out my body and calm my mind. Now I usually just slip a DVD into my laptop but instead I decided to slip it into my TV DVD. I turned on the TV and the channel was on an informercial on depression. Some CD program that you listen to that gives you tips on how to deal with depression and get you off the meds if you're on them. "Yep, yep, it's my thinking," I said and thanked the Universe for the quick help.

I did my Kundalini Yoga session and during the meditation portion of it I heard the thought, you can heal your life.
Right? I pulled out Louise Hay's book, You can Heal Your Life and went straight to the Relationships chapter and read it. This book was the first self help book I ever bought and I turn back to it when things get beyond tough for me. The gist of it is that it's not others we need to change it's us. So I kept it in my mind that what will change this challenging relationship for me is me changing somehow. Good direction.

I got myself bathed and as I was getting ready for work I thought that listening to the news wasn't going to help me none so I flipped around looking for some TV church. I found a channel and the Evangelist was talking about FAITH. Having faith, keeping faith, believing with faith. Good good.

As I walked to work I thanked the Universe for the help. Actually I looked up at the sky and said, "Thank you for that. I know you heard me."

I read more of You Can Heal Your Life last night. The stuff about blessing the person. Whenever the person comes into your mind, "bless them with love every time you think of them." I've been working on it. A part of me wants to ask her, Are you okay? Or maybe ask, can we go to lunch and have a chat? And the other part of me is still pissed at these years of torture. Hey I'm only human.

In my 'only humanness' and flipping back and forth today between blessing her and being pissed off I came across this message from Jennifer Hoffman that really was a strong message and reminds me that blessing her is my only option if I want to move forward in my joy. Being pissed off just attracts more of the same.


Here is Jennifer's full message:
“The most challenging people in your life are not there for you to heal their darkness, they are there for you to learn how to maintain your light. While their healing is an option (which they have to choose for themselves) that your presence affords them, the real value of the connection is for you to be able to remember who you are and to evolve from lifetimes of suffering, sacrifice and martyrdom into the power of your own presence. Our healing occurs when we stand in the light in spite of the darkness we are surrounded by, not by how many people we convince to leave their darkness for the light.

When we release our guilt over being in the light when others appear to be in darkness (which is their choice), we become better teachers and leaders. We can lead others out of darkness not by showing them how dark it is in the dark, by become an example of how much more powerful it is to live in the light. When we live in the darkness for the sake and purpose of reminding someone of the darkness' limitations (which they already know), we aren't serving anyone.

We didn't come to the world to turn our light off but to shine it brightly, so shine on and live in joy, without guilt. How powerful is it to stand in a dark room and tell someone that there is a better option that we'll show them, as soon as they decide to get out of the dark room. How much more powerful is it to be in the most brightly lit, joyful and powerful place we can imagine for ourselves, see them standing at the doorway and inviting them to come in?
Jennifer Hoffman from my upcoming book: Evolving at the Speed of Soul”


I expect there will be more challenges before things change for the better but I have Faith that I can stay within my light and I don't need to be dragged into the darkness that this person chooses to live in.

2013 feels like a year to focus on gratitude. These messages from the universe are definitely things to be grateful for.


EY

2013 - Personal 1 Year

2013 brings me into a Personal 1 Year and a new 10 year cycle. It's a big time to set my focus for what I want within these ten years and what I want to change.

My biggest focus is to live in gratitude. I've listened to so many people complain about what they don't have, what they thought they'd have, what they didn't receive, what they expected, what other people have... It just stops the flow of everything. Happiness, more good in your life, everything. When we're focused on all that we think we don't have we can't be happy for others when they receive their good. It falls into abundance that there's enough for everyone.

I feel like I've done more emotional work in the last 10 year cycle then any other time of my life. I took a deep hard look at the cycles in my life that have repeated themselves and repeated themselves some more. I feel like I've genuinely worked through major issues. I'm calling it a bit of a heroes journey. lol. Might as well make it big in my mind. It is actually big.

I'm feeling like this 10 years will be more sociable. I needed the solitary before. I now know how to seek the solitary without guilt, so I can be more sociable. I feel more optimistic. I feel like I've shaken off the serious demons. I am responsible for myself, my dreams, my joy.

I find I've been looking at the disagreeable people in my life with a different perspective. In the midst of steering clear of their drama I'm also seeing them as tortured people. This one person who, even in the New Year, continues to hold a grudge against me but that's not enough. He goes out of his way to try to cause grief in my life. I got his number. He doesn't affect me but I feel sorry that he still doesn't see that you can waste your life trying to get back at people. We can be so stubborn. We can waste our time. We can torture ourselves needlessly. Part of it is we're too scared to do the work. That's not my cross to bear. I don't need to heal him, guide him, lead him. He is not my responsibility.

If I watch any reality shows, there are two that I will catch. Hoarders, because I can't make it through 15 minutes without getting up and cleaning. lol.

And Intervention. I have a fascination with Intervention. I have a fascination with addiction and the torture that sends people in the direction of their addictions. There's usually something, some upset that precipitates the addiction. I've been through some of the things that some of those people have gone through. Grew up watching adults with addiction, was a witness to domestic violence. I realize that I could be one of those addicted people on intervention if I didn't handle my demons in writing. Us humans, we can be such a tortured lot.

We have to work through our torture, our demons, otherwise they have all sorts of unknown powers over us. I want my power. I want to focus on my power in these 10 years and beyond.

2012 was an awesome year for me, when I look back at the year as a whole. There were a couple of low points but that's life. Going back to my old homes from my childhood really provided a real shift in my mind for me. I felt less jinxed and more possibilities. I feel like I worked through some serious stuff and I was rewarded for it and the benefits in the coming years are unimaginable.

Ha! I think I just finally grew up! It was bound to happen.

EY

Adults Acting Out

On Dec 4th, 2012 my friend Sarah's facebook status said that her mother passed away that morning and later on in the day Sarah's husband of 3 years, Neil, also passed away.

I burst into tears. How? How does one person have to endure such devastation at one time? And so close to Christmas. I sent her a message right away with all my phone numbers and said, "call me when you need to scream, cry , talk, whatever you need."

She had a memorial for her husband on the 10th of December, the day before his parents were returning to England. It's bizarre how life works out sometimes. His parents had come to Canada on vacation and while they were here their son dies. It's so hard to wrap your head around stuff sometimes.

At the memorial I just wanted to keep my focus on not crying. I could cry after I left. I simply wanted to be a support. Sarah mentioned at one point to a handful of us who all used to work with her and each other that another mutual friend/ ex co-worker decided not to show up because he said it was too hard for him.

Sarah says, "too hard on him? I've lost my mum, my husband, and my cat, all on the same day and it's too hard for John to show up."

That is the way it goes though, doesn't it? People find the worst times to act out. What is with people acting out anyways? When my mom died, my Uncle's girlfriend spent the bulk of my time in Montreal grasping for attention. If she wasn't crying uncontrollably over some random something, she was getting rip roaring drunk. No, I wasn't a fan.

I've been thinking a lot about people who act out especially since there was a fair amount of it in 2012. I've decided I'm no longer rewarding people for acting out. I'm not going to react or give them my attention, neither positive nor negative. At some point we all have to get over ourselves. We have to work through our issues.

This is the next step in my healing and letting go of the energies that pull me down. I've overcome hanging out with people I don't like in order to spend time with pople I do. I say it straight out, if you've invited so and so I won't be there because I'm not a fan. And now I'm not giving my energy to people who act out in order to manipulate me into giving them my attention. I believe that acting out is a manipulation.

We only have so much time in a day and to spend it buried in crappy energy then with the hours or days of angry thoughts and feelings that follow the crappy energy. It's not worth it. Children act out. The rest of us should know how to use our words or figure it out.

Some people use anger to control us or stop us from speaking honestly.
Some people insult us in order to get us to change a "no" into a "yes."
Some people guilt trip us.
And some people act out when they feel insecure about some attention they think they deserve to receive at the expense of your feelings or what's really happening.
I'm simply not going to reward them for that behaviour.

In the grand scheme of attention, some people, some of my friends, are really going through serious hard times. I get choked up on a daily basis thinking about my friend Sarah. I've been sending her messages and ideas on how to cope. Telling her what helped me when I was grieving. I can't even imagine how to recover from such pain.
EY

Enjoying the Quiet

I haven't had much to say over the last couple months. I feel like I'm plugged into a unit recharging myself. I've been mostly okay with it thinking, if you don't got it, you don't got it. I do have to keep reminding myself that it's part of the cycle of living. We go through quiet moments and it's okay to simply exist in the quiet.

Things have been great at my day job. Great in the way that staying and fighting the good fight and witnessing the changes in committing to stay rather than run away. All through my life I've been the person to move on. I think it's a symptom of having moved a lot as a kid. No problem was ever too big to walk away from. Or, if I had a problem it was no big deal because we'd probably be moving soon and I wouldn't have to face the problem anymore. It's not easy to speak your mind every single day at every opportunity when people misunderstand us. My worry was always that I would come across as the angry Black woman. I know if I'm just seen as the angry Black woman then no one will ever 'HEAR' what I'm saying.

I stayed even with the worry. I stayed and consistently spoke my mind. I stayed and things have become so good for me in my position, relationships have surpassed what I could ever believe they could have become. I stayed and this current state of contentment has made me quiet. Last week I was able to move into the realization that I don't have to fight anymore. People are listening to me. People are valuing the work that I do. So now that I don't have to be on hyper alert what shall I do?

I've been contemplating my personal 9 year and what past junk I can get rid of, heal myself from. Behaviours and mind sets that have served me well in the past but are no longer needed, like my nature to run away. I remember a friend Jordan saying to me years ago that we often carry survival techniques with us that served us well when we were in crisis but can sabotage our lives when we are no longer in crisis. Those words have always stayed with me in a profound way.

It is astounding to me to have witnessed someone who didn't believe a word I said to seeing that person value my opinion and ideas. That has been a truly powerful experience and lesson for me. And so I'm still in my quiet. I am deep breathing, meditative breathing, into my quiet. I am listening to what my silence has to say to me. What other powers might I have if I stick to one goal? What other survival techniques can I transform?

I've been quietly unearthing my buried treasure. I've been thinking about the light, my light, that I have to offer. It's a little flickering candle at the moment. I've been nurturing it and very mindful of those who would blow on it with insensitivity. I've been acknowledging my fragility, that's the part I never admit to. I like to scare people out of affecting my fragility. I scare people by being the elephant trampling everything in her path. I scare people by being the deadly Mother bear who runs at danger with hysterical fear protecting her baby cub.

Now that I know how to do that, use those survival techniques to protect my fragility, my little flickering candle, how do I learn how to share myself with openness? How do I bring the self protective side and the fragile side out together? That is my goal to work on in my Personal 1 year in 2013.

Sabbath Progress Log for 15Sept12 Sat

I went to bed after midnight Friday night and woke up Saturday around 6:20am.
It really is nice just to wake up when I wake up as opposed to waking up to alarms. That jarring is so bad for the nerves.

I woke with a happy smile and wished myself a Happy Sabbath. It felt appropriate. :)
I gave myself a Reiki treatment (which I don't do enough) while using the Doctor Ho unit. My back has been still sensitive since I pulled it out a couple weeks ago.

I did my morning pages and ate a fruit salad of oranges, raspberries and strawberries. Ate a couple apples and promptly went back to sleep for a few hours.

Around 1pm I found I was struggling with not turning on the television. I didn't care about the internet or the phone but the TV, especially since I knew that the Gilmore Girls was on. Crazy since I've watched all the episodes. But once I got over the struggling, I did some reading and later in the afternoon I did some writing and wrote up all my blog entries. I also worked on New Moon wishes reading to get an idea of what my list will be.

The main thing I'd noticed by the end of the day was that I wasn't feeling the normal anxiety that I usually feel on the weekend. That anxiety is the feeling that time is passing by and I'm not making good use of it. By the end of the day I felt like I had a fully relaxing day, aside from the TV struggle of about an hour. Bad habits die hard.

I feel like I could have got more accomplished writing wise but that's my schtick, I never feel like I accomplish enough. I did get a lot of much needed sleep and it was super nice not to have spent my day doing laundry and grocery shopping and all the chores that normally eat up my Saturday. And cat cuddles. The cats were very enthusiastic about spending all that extra time cuddled up in bed.

So, that's one Sabbath attempted and enjoyed. The true test is how I'll feel during the work week. Of course it's only one so I'll monitor the changes over the month of Sabbaths. I think it's something I can continue.

EY

New Moon in Virgo

For the New Moon in Virgo, Simone says Mercury, the planet which rules Virgo, conjoins the Sun and Moon at the lunation. This hyper-mental energy requires placing our thoughts in service of our goals.

Well that works with my commitment to observing a Sabbath.

I also liked this idea ...

It’s time to acknowledge that despite some failures, you’ve also experienced successes, whether great or small, since the spring. Write down these successes and celebrate them. Virgo likes making lists and tallying progress; it also supports regular practice—the dedication which slowly moves us in a new direction. Whether it’s a daily walk, a morning blessing before heading off to work, clearing clutter one drawer at a time, sending out resumes to find a more fulfilling job, or volunteering for a cause you believe in, small acts will yield big shifts over time.

I read up on Virgo New Moon Wishes using Jan Spiller's book, New Moon Astrology She says no more than 10 wishes total for the month (new moon to new moon).

Here are some ideas for wishes to focus on:

- developing a healthy eating plan
- developing an exercise routine
- removing addictions to cigarettes, bad sugars etc
- completing work projects with minimal stress and maximum efficiency
- creating a routine for work/play life balance
- creating neatness and order in our home
- paying bills/ debts on time
- discerning what's important and what is not
- appreciating the opportunities that are offered to us
- focus on the here and now moment

Happy New Moon! Hope you are making new moon wishes and making them come true for you. :)

EY

Sabbath - Feeding and Enriching My Artistic Soul

I wrote up a set of my rules/ guidelines of what my Sabbath will be. I kept in mind my work schedule because I do work some Friday nights. I want a level of flexibility that will help me to succeed.

I got groceries on the way home from work Friday night and after I put them away and turned off my alarms, my 25 hour Sabbath began. I've already decided that should I have to work on a Saturday night I will have my Sabbath on a Sunday. Like I said, keeping it flexible. And during my writing festival, I think I will do this during a week day since the festival is 10 days long and I'll have all that time off during the week.

Anyway, here are my current guidelines:

Do's
- Starts 25 hours from the time I get home on Friday
- Eat healthy, cleansing foods and juices
- can attend anything that enriches my artistic soul
- Can attend writing festivals
- Keep a Progress Log


Don'ts
- No chores
- No television
- No email
- No phone
- No internet
- No cooking unless crock pot or simple meal


Observance Activities
- Prayer
- Meditation
- Kundalini Yoga and chanting (use ibook - it has no internet connection)
- Qigong (ibook)
- Reading
- Music (maybe, haven't made a decision, yet)
- Work on Novel in progress
- Write blog entries
- Write Essays
- poem
- Draw
- Walks
- Goal Setting:
a) What I'd like to study in 2013
b) 50th birthday ideas
c) Finances


EY

Observing the Sabbath

I've decided to observe the Sabbath!

July and August were weird months for me. I felt like my insides were struggling to get a proper space within my body. That's the best way I can describe it. It was the caterpillar struggle to get out of its gunk to become a butterfly. Except of course, I haven't had any major transformation yet, just the continued struggling.

I've had face to face discussions with a number of my girlfriends and I noticed one theme. We all feel as if we've given up doing the things that kept us enthusiastic. You know? Keeping a journal used to be filled with pictures and quotes and ideas and song lyrics. Now our journals are bland, "The weather was nice. I bought groceries today."

I marveled with one girlfriend about how I stopped doing my morning pages because I was boring myself! I seemed to have lost the stream of consciousness rhythm that I normally have when I do my pages. The rhythm that digs into the subconscious because the self editor is asleep. We both sighed that, "where did I lose my enthusiasm for life," sigh.

I told the same girlfriend that I'd started going to cheap Tuesday night movies weekly just to add something, anything. And I'd written up a list of healing activities that might actually push me toward the butterfly type transformation that maybe my insides were struggling for. I've got the list, I still haven't done what's on the list. (hangs head)

To make matters worse, my part time job has kicked back in since the beginning of September. So I'm back to working two jobs and in my free time, heck, during my work time, I'm always tired. And my list has been burning in my thoughts. Each day that I don't do anything on that list I'm disgruntled. Every day I begin the day asking, "How am I going to fit this in?"

Thursday, September 13th, I woke up and said out loud, "I'm going to observe the Sabbath." It's been something that has floated in my mind since July 6th when I read Gretchen Rubin's email from her Happiness Project blog. It was an interview of Joshua Foer who, you guessed it, attributes his happiness to keeping the Sabbath.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

I keep the Jewish Sabbath, which is not something I did when I was 18. For 25 hours each week, everything gets turned off. No email. No phone. I don’t make anything. I don’t destroy anything. No matter how much stress I have in my life, it all evaporates on Friday night.

Joshua's mention of keeping the Jewish Sabbath brought me back to almost 30 years ago when I was a part-time live in Nanny for an Orthodox Jewish family. I was hired to care for their 6 kids specifically for the Sabbath. The family had their lights on timers so the proper lights would turn on in specific rooms like the dining room during Sabbath lunch. The Mrs used a crock pot for their lunch and put the food in before the Sabbath started and it was ready in time for lunch.

But the best part of observing the family keep the Sabbath was watching the kids devour books because there was nothing else to do. They'd each borrow a pile of books from the library before the Sabbath started and they would read, for hours! I remember telling my mother about it all those years ago. "What a great idea," I'd told her, "It's a great opportunity to slow down." The Mister and Mrs had a nap while I kept an eye on their children and the children read books and books and books and books!

Of course I'm not Jewish, nor am I religious but I know I need something drastic. I need to give myself the gift of time. So just in time for the new moon in Virgo, I've committed to observing an Artistic Sabbath for at least 4 Saturdays in a row and I'll revisit my commitment to see what changes I can make.

Here's the full interview. Oh and in the comments someone posted this Sabbath Manifesto for those who are doing it for non-religious reasons. Awesome! I hadn't thought of wine! lol

EY

I Need a Champion!

I feel like I've been so much more calmer inside since I had my "secrets" breakthrough. Something about that makes me feel like everything is okay and will be okay. It's a welcome change.

I've still been maintaining the, "Slow down, stop racing, and simply be," advice. As part of that, I've been watching movies. I don't have a vast collection of movies but I am growing a decent collection. My corner store started selling DVD's and I normally ignore them but last weekend I decided to ask the clerk how much they were and they are $6.99 each or 2 for $10. Really? hmm.

As I was looking at them and trying to narrow the amount of DVD's I bought, I decided I wanted to watch some movies on second chances. It's feeling like a theme for me and any inspiration is always good.

I bought The Vow with Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum.
Larry Crowne with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts.
And The Man on the Train with Donald Sutherland
The 4th movie I bought had nothing to do with 2nd chances but simply filled my 2 for $10 purchase.

So far, I've watched The Vow and Larry Crowne.
The Vow was surprising because it wasn't what I expected. It's the line, "I have to make my wife fall in love with me again," in the promos that is misleading. They really don't spend much time showing him doing that. They have one date and he attends her sister's wedding and then that's it. He backs away. It was a sweet film but if I were to re-write it, I would go deep into the husband courting his wife who doesn't remember who he is. Isn't that the point?

Larry Crowne I did like a lot. I liked the quirkiness of it. Of course Nia Vardalos was one of the writers and that makes total sense. Her best writing is the quirky, lovable characters who might be perceived as ,I hate to say, losers. They are the other people, the people that we don't rush to tell stories about. Not the history makers.

Larry Crowne as a character who had to start over, decluttered his life and downsized. And went back to school. And the gist of the story, for both his character and Julia Robert's character is it's never too late. A great, inspiring reminder.

Watching both those movies made me want to buy Eat, Pray, Love. Which I bought yesterday and watched last night. This movie I had actually watched before and ultimately bought the book and read it. This really is The Second Chances movie.

In the book Elizabeth Gilbert gets into excruciating detail of her 'male' issues. So as I watched the movie that information was in my head, even if it was more brushed stroked in the movie. It's important to know who we need to be for ourselves when we're in relationships.

I love the discussion of muffin tops and enjoying the pleasure of eating and no man has turned away a naked woman because she has a muffin top.

And the Italian's joy or perfecting of doing nothing. Dolce Far Niente. Yes, I thought of my 9 year numerology forecast when that was mentioned.

In India, of course, I enjoyed the struggle with meditation. The struggle to quiet the mind, to surrender, to give up trying to control.

And I loved everything about Bali, er, Javier Bardem. Really? Could they find a more beautiful man? I could be inspired by anything that Javier Bardem told me. lol

His comment about how she looks, "you are thin and elegant from a distance and then up close you are soft and fleshy!"

And what she needs, "You don't need a man, you need a CHAMPION!"

I feel like I shed emotional poundage this month. I've grown more comfortable in spending time in Dolce Far Niente.

And my take away tools for my Second Chances starter kit:

- A man worth his weight, will wait. I want a Champion. I want a man who knows how to court a woman.
- It's never too late for second chances. Declutter, downsize. Study and practice my passions.
- Eat what I love. Tone down the criticism on my changing body. I am 48 years old. I'm not going to have the same anything that I had as a 20 or 30 year old.
- Pray. I've got my Kundalini Yoga practice but I would like to add sitting in silence and smiling for 20 minutes a day. I LOVE THAT IDEA!
- Love. Love myself exactly as I am. And Love others more openly without holding back.

Oh and if anyone has any suggestions on any movies that cover "2nd Chances," I'd welcome them! :)

EY

July 9 Year - Breaking Through

We eat too much, drink too much, smoke too much and whatever too much because we're not always in touch with what we're really feeling.

I've been standing in quicksand this month. Stuck and not able to move forward despite knowing what I want to do and even knowing the steps I can take to do it. I have to admit it's been bugging me. Shit! I'm always doing this work, always looking within, always looking at ways to move past all the garbage I've lived through, the hurts, the beat downs etc. I'm always looking at the ways that I've played a part in all of it. Quite frankly I've been sick of it.

I've tried to adhere to Christine Delorey's advice to "Slow down, stop racing, and simply Be." Well that part has been easy if you put it in a being lazy perspective because, to me, I've just been lazy. On a more enlightened plane, I've been waiting for some answer for a question I haven't asked yet. Yes.

It's half way through the month and Christine always mentions to re-read the forecast for the month to find deeper meaning. Two things stood out for me yesterday when I re-read my forecast. The past reappearing and some secret that will surface. I kept asking what was showing up now that was like a repeat of my past. And what possible secret could there be left? I've dug through all the secrets.

It's a good thing that I believe in Christine's work because this month's forecast was a pain in my ass. ha-ha!

It says,

There is a strangeness about this cycle and you may be unsure of what your next move should be. You want to do something, but the feeling persists that whatever you do may not work the way you want, and may be a waste of your time and energy.

I have been weaving in and out of sureness and unsureness of indeed what my next move is. How do I keep motivated with my writing, work my two jobs and have a social life. It's summer for crying out loud, I can be disciplined in the winter months when I'm happy not to leave the house.

This fear of inadequacy is being triggered by the voice of guilt telling you that you must constantly be doing something – and that doing nothing and getting nowhere in this human ‘race’ is unacceptable. Stop judging yourself by these outdated standards. Slow down. Stop doing, stop racing, and simply BE. Accept the uncertainty of it all and know that no matter how much pressure you are under, the situation will change in due course.

First thought, "I don't know if I feel inadequate" and mid month, "okay maybe I do feel inadequate." But at least there is a positive that the situation will change in due course. More waiting but what the heck am I waiting for? Why can't I just plow through?

Be aware of how past actions have led to your present situation. You are likely to be more ‘alone’ than usual and, if not, then it is up to you to take some private time and space for yourself. You have some very important thinking, feeling, and healing to do. The question is, “What do I really want?”, which can only be answered by another question: “What do I really feel?”

I keep looking at my past actions but am coming up blank. I look at what I call my laziness. Whenever I say I'm lazy to others they remind me of all that I actually do that proves that I'm not lazy. But I always feel like I can do better. Last year I realized that what stops me a lot is that I think 'that could have been done better' about everything. It's a level of perfectionism that buries me.

I have been more alone than usual and that I've been mostly fine with. I keep telling myself that I'm alone because I need to be, if I didn't need to be I wouldn't be alone. But how can I use this alone time wisely. How can I do it better? ha ha!

And I've been constantly asking myself, What do I really want, What do I really feel? And I haven't always been sure about what feel I'm looking at. What do I really feel about work? What do I really feel about my life? What do I really feel about what I really want to do? Yes, I can drive myself crazy.

The reason the events of July are so confusing or contradictory is because your sense of direction has become muddled. The only way you will be able to see your options, let alone make a decision, is to go inside, back in time, and determine what it was in the past that led you here; to this state of being lost.
In fact, you are likely to find yourself in the past whether you put yourself there or not...
Look for a connection between mistakes you see others making and mistakes you have made yourself, as there could be a futile case of the pot calling the kettle black going on.

What is it from my past that has led me here? I do feel lost. In my 'lostness' in the first half of this month I kept trying to think of the past. What is happening now that 'seems' like the past? I touched on it a couple times in conversations but didn't really realize that that was it. On my walk with my friend I'd mentioned my frustration with some friends about how I feel like they punish me when I don't do things the way they want me to. You know, someone ignores me for awhile so I don't chase after him or her and I feel this distinct punishing energy coming from him or her?

And in the other conversation I was cracking a riff on being Brown Snow. I said that in my childhood I could compare my story to Snow White but since I'm a black woman I couldn't call myself that, I'd have to call myself Brown Snow. It cracked us up. But it did delve into the punishment for just being me idea that has been bugging me.

Secrets from the past may reappear. Deal with them because, in the 9 year, past issues that you don’t deal with usually find a way to deal with you. Either bring a secret into the open, or accept that the matter is unresolved. Then work through the fear or guilt you are holding in as a result. You may find that an issue no longer needs secrecy, but if you stand to hurt yourself or someone else by “coming clean”, ask yourself what would really be gained by making a painful revelation. Perhaps the only person you need to reveal your secret to is you. Or, perhaps someone else’s secret will be revealed to you. Maybe someone will shock you as they reveal how they secretly feel about you.

And that damn secret! I was secretly hoping that the secret was someone revealing to me how he secretly feels about me but then I realized I didn't actually know anyone who I wanted to profess some love for me because you know, exes are exes for a reason. And most of the other men I know are married and the ones that aren't, not so much. Unless Dwayne Johnson (the rock) appeared suddenly and saw me once and was completely dumbstruck by his instant love for me?

The secret about finding the bio-father isn't such a big secret except he doesn't know I've found him.

Okay Christine, you're killing me here!

Last night I walked home from work and as I was, I reminded myself that this alone time is good, it's what's needed otherwise I wouldn't be alone, in the middle of a Beautiful July. That I just need to make better use of this time. I got home and got my writing stuff all organized in one spot to dig into my novel rewrite. I attached my Livescribe pen to my computer to charge. Then promptly started to play Cubis and drink a couple glasses wine. Woo hoo! Better use of my time!

In my dream last night, my mother and I were looking out the window watching these grown men playing. They were helping one man move out and came across hot wheels and proceeded to set up hot wheels tracks and were getting the cars to do flips and stuff. My mother and I were watching them and laughing at how men can be boys.

I woke up at 2:15am. I had the debate about whether I should get up or sleep until 3am. I couldn't decide if that early was really a part of my normal early rising or if I woke up because the fans made me cold and I just needed a sheet to cover me. I tried to fall back to sleep but by 2:30am I knew it was probably my early rising time and I'd get up and do my morning pages. I can always go have a wee nap after yoga.

And my morning pages wrote themselves. My first sentence was, "Is the secret that I am lonely? And from there delved into what I am still grieving about men, about my family and feeling that I've done everything wrong. And I delved deep into what my fears are that are related to the punishing thing that really stops me from being intimate with others, sharing myself (my feelings, my thoughts, my dreams). It's causing me to remain stuck, this feeling that some of the people I trust and love and give to beat me down and don't value me the way I need to be valued. My hurt and fear is the quicksand that is keeping me stuck. Okay, I'll say it, I am scared to have everything that I want, I know I can have it, because I'm scared that the moment I feel good in it, comfortable in it, confident in it, some one I love is going to wipe it all away and it will be lost and how will I ever recover.

There's a lot more in there. My morning pages are three legal size pages after all. And the ironic thing is about that dream this morning. A couple years after my mother passed away a psychic told me 'when you're mother appears in a dream, ask her what she has come to tell you." Man oh man, every time my mother appeared in a dream I'd wake up frustrated because I'd forget to ask the question. It wasn't until I said good-bye to a work friend who had passed away, whose funeral I couldn't attend, as I was falling asleep I wished her well and told her to look for my mother that my mother would help her out on this new plane, that I finally had the dream and asked my mother the question. In that dream, like in the dream this morning, my mother and I were looking out the window watching people and their antics outside.

Some how those two dreams feel like bookends to me right now. And the connection clicked in as I was writing the dream this morning in my pages. I had tears streaming down my face and I was laughing. It wasn't the painful tears of release. It was the happy tears of how powerful our lives are and our value in life. And our connections to EVERYTHING!

And P.S. if the Rock would like to come meet me and profess his undying love for me, I'd still be okay with it.

EY

Live Now - Art Exhibit.

Last night I went to an art showing of Simone Frank's at the BAND Gallery.
Her exhibit was a series inspired by a bar brawl.
Her description :

About this collection:

"This body of work was inspired by an altercation I had with a man in a bar called The Painted Lady on Ossington Ave. in Toronto. At first he was full of compliments, but when his affections weren't returned he became quite ugly. Another man I met, a gentleman had just asked me out to dinner but instead of basking in that, the inappropriate behavior of his employee enraged me. I pushed him before he could hit me. He threatened my life verbally. Long story short, a bar brawl ensued. I felt quite guilty about that act of violence as I prefer peaceful resolutions. The incident inspired me to create this series.

The full story is told in a book submitted for publishing called, No More Kissing Frogs."

Beautiful work. I'm really liking the idea of doing any kind of series. I talked to someone last night about Ntozake Shange's, "For Colored Girls who have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow is Enuf." I've been carrying that book around with me since I recently watched the Tyler Perry movie for it.

Yeah I like the idea of doing some sort of series and looking at a topic or a feeling or an incident from every angle.

I'm glad that I went to the opening. Thankfully I promised myself that I would go to it no matter what and once I make a promise... I can be shy with new people. Even worse is I can talk myself out of going places because I get caught in what I think is going to happen and then I don't show up. I think I'm going to be the only single person and I'll be standing by myself in a corner trying not to look awkward. I've done the no show so many times that it really has to become the fear that I walk through. Especially since I'm always glad, at the end of the outing, that I showed up.

I've also noticed that I get shy about talking about myself as an artist. Simone introduced me to people as "my writer friend" and I got scared of the inevitable questions. I added the qualifier that, "I'm her unpublished writer friend."

I shouldn't have worried though. In a group of other artists, they totally get it. There wasn't that normal look that you get from people sometimes where you feel that they think you're not really a writer if you're unpublished.

Some of the different conversations I had with the different artists and friends of the artists were about self-publishing and e-books in particular and whether I was thinking about going that route. I think certain types of genres are more appropriate for self-publishing, straight to e-book. We talked about blogging and social media and putting yourself out there and how much do you focus on stats vs just doing your work and letting the right followers come to you. If you build it they will come.

Some one asked me if I did any other art and I told her about the two times I've met the cartoonist Lynda Barry.
How the first time I met Lynda, she asked me "do you draw?"
And I told her that I used to draw cartoons.
She told me, "start drawing again."
From that suggestion I started doing my scribble drawings. The 2nd time I met Lynda, I mentioned that she had told me to start drawing again and I showed her the drawings I'd been doing. It was such a positive experience. Lynda Barry is a wonderful, wonderful woman!

Needless to say, talking about myself as an artist/writer last night turned out to be good for my soul. I felt good. I felt comfortable. I felt like I was with people who understood. Which of course is the whole point of having a weekly artist's date, right? It's to feed your artist's soul.

And part of the universe's message to me of Living Now, I think, has to do with walking through my fear that stops me from going out and meeting new people. I always feel good after I've shown up. I'm still that scared kid who went to a different school every year. I just keep forgetting that I always made a new friend on the first day of school. :)

EY

Do It Now!

What kind of messages has the Universe been giving you lately? Have you been listening for them?

I've been going through at least a week of "Do it Now" messages. Everywhere!
I know what it is too. I'm feeling like I need to make some major changes and the big picture looks so daunting. Of course, I'm too busy looking at the end result, the realization of the goal as opposed to the baby steps that I need to take to get me going on the journey.

I'm feeling such a sense of urgency though, in all the Universe's messages. I'm feeling the sense of urgency and I'm feeling stuck in place all at the same time. But of course, as is normally the case, Christine Delorey's forecast for me for July is giving me suggestions on how to deal.

Slow down. Stop doing. Stop racing, and simply BE. Accept the uncertainty of it all.

And that's exactly what I've been doing tonight. Just sitting and relaxing and writing in my journal and giving myself some space to breathe.

The June portion of Cancer was emotional and moody and crabby. I went through four days where I was really struggling with depression. In a way that I haven't in years. It worried me but I realize my version of cabin fever is depression. I've got to be the Squirrel who plays and works. I've got to find more balance.

For the Canada Day long weekend, I played. I got out and enjoyed the festivities. I walked through a neighbourhood that I would love to live in and caught myself thinking about why I couldn't live in that area then decided that I would simply have a driver and the problem will be solved. lol.

On Sunday, I got freaked out by all the people out in the streets during the gay pride festivities and bee-lined out of the crowd. Heading home, I came upon a group of buskers playing some funky, horn heavy music and ended up hanging out and listening to them for four hours and making a new friend. Another single woman like me, just hanging out, checking out what's going on in the city and happening upon these crazy talented young men. We sat together and cracked each other up and pointed out good looking men and people watched and laughed like we were long lost kin.

And Monday I met up with my walking buddy to walk. We got our sweat on and caught up and laughed and made a couple beer pit stops and six hours went by in a flash and we were hugging our good-byes until the next time.

Balance.

When I had all my neck and shoulder and arm pain, my physical therapist told me that I needed to take more breaks at work. Through our discussions over the months I went to see her, we agreed that the better way for me to do my work for my physical well-being was to stretch out what I was doing. Instead of printing three reports and going to retrieve them all from the printer at once, it's better to print one report, get up and go to the printer, print the next report, get up and go to the printer etc.

I need to do that in every area of my life. Slow down. Stop trying to race through every chore to get everything done. Take a breather. Go out and enjoy the amazing weather and discover what magical things come my way.

I get it now, the urgency isn't simply to do it now. The urgency is to LIVE NOW!

You paying attention to your messages? I hope so. :)

EY