I'ma be alright by Robin Thicke

Click The title to hear the song.

Lines from that song that I love:

I got my dreams woken, man I almost got some...

I still got my mind, I still got my music baby, I'ma be alright...

all of my bills are piling cuz I spent what I owed
I wasn't invited to any parties so I'm throwing my own
can't get a job, cuz I ain't been looking for one I'ma be alright

I'ma be alright, I'ma keep on dancing
I will keep the champagne all to myself
I'ma be alright, I'ma keep on moving
I will give my love all over the world and on and on...

When the Crap Sticks

Sunday 12June11

I want to feel good. Well, if you've been reading me you know that is what is guiding my life and it's been working darn well. But this weekend I've been faced with a situation that REALLY doesn't make me feel good. What the hell do I do with this?

So far, I've given myself the chance to grieve and mourn and cry. I've slept as much as possible because that is how I deal with the height of crap. Sleep until tomorrow, tomorrow is another day - that's my mentality. And I keep telling myself that I've got a time limit. I've given myself this weekend to feel the pain and disappointment and the overall beat down of the situation and as I enter Sunday, today, the final day of the weekend I start to plot my plan back into 'feeling good.'

I used to marvel at people who had the incomprehensible things happen in their lives and how they managed to pull themselves above self-pity and do something inspiring with their lives. For example, the able bodied person who has a horrifying accident and ends up paralyzed. That person creates beautiful art or becomes a speaker or does something wonderful with their life. I was always impressed with that. I wondered how they came to the perspective.

Then I was sick in the late 1980's early 1990's. I broke out with three different rashes all over my body. I had the rashes on the palms of my hands and the bottoms of my feet, every where except for inside my mouth. With each passing week the rashes got considerably worse and ultimately one morning, I woke up with my face so disfigured and swollen that if I hadn't known that I'd walked to the mirror, I wouldn't have known that it was me. Terrifyingly freaky. Needless to say, I packed an overnight bag, grabbed some writing materials and books to read, got in a cab and went to emergency. You know it's bad when you arrive at emergency and the guy behind the desk checking people in, stops what he's doing and says, "Ma'am come with me." I bypassed the checking in and went straight to the curtained off area next in line to see a doctor. And the doctor came right away.

I ended up being hospitalized for close to 3 weeks in the dermatology ward of which when my doctor (the head of dermatology) did her rounds, she had about 25 other doctors with her who wanted to learn about this freak case called Shelley. My first morning in the hospital, I was in a semi private room with Margaret, I woke up and my face was so much worse that I couldn't open my eyes. In a calm voice I called Margaret's name and asked her if she could call a nurse.

"Why? What's wrong?"
"I can't open my eyes."
She scrambled out of the room and screamed at the top of her lungs, "NURSE! NURSE! HURRY!"
I shook my head and actually said out loud, "Well I didn't want that to happen."

Later she kept commenting at how calm I was and I said, "Well I am in the hospital. They are going to find me before the day is out." ha-ha!

So there I was in the hospital with the 3 rashes and the swollen, disfigured, elephant man face and one of my three doctors says to me, "We're going to have you apply this super strong steroid cream called Lydex on your face. We have never prescribed it for someone's face but at this point we don't think it will hurt." Great!

As I sat alone with my thoughts in my hospital room, I didn't know if I was going to live or die or what was to become of me, the thought process was as follows, "If I'm going to have to live the rest of my life like this, disfigured, I'm probably never going to have a man and get married and have kids. I can be angry, I suppose, about how this bad luck has befallen me and spend the rest of my days wishing for the time before these mystery rashes. Or if I'm going to live the rest of my life like this, what am I going to do with my life? What meaning am I going to make out of my life?" In that moment, that's when I got that the person who loses use of his or her limbs comes to the same moment and makes their decision. We are all faced with that question and different points and traumas in our lives.

Feeling good is a choice, it's a decision we make, it's a decision I've made. There are always really good things within the crapstorms. Like my three girlfriends texting me back right away as I was facing down the news and I needed moral support to keep my head up and save face. That was a major for me because I don't tend to reach out for help and when I have been people have been reaching out their hands to pull me back up. People have been hugging me in the best way they know how and man, it helps. Does it ever help.

I've still got a little more crying to do because as Robin Thicke sings in his song I'ma be alright... I had my dreams woken, man I almost got some...
And while I feel the feelings I also plot out my plan in keeping with the question, "If I'm going to have to live the rest of my life like this, with this condition, what am I going to make of my life?"

What will I choose to focus on? What will I build? How will I continue to feel good?

An as an aside to the rash story. I was the only person in the dermatology ward who was a virgin, it was my first visit. Everyone had been there at least 3 times and they all told me that I'd be back just like them. I was so motivated never to have to return to the dermatology ward that it pushed me into holistic medicine and reflexology and Shiatsu and juicing. All of the wonderful things that I still follow now and more stuff like Qi gong and Kundalini yoga that I've picked up as my interests matured. There ended up being a lot of good in that terrifying time.

So I have to look for all the good that will come out of this hurtful, disheartening situation. If it doesn't kill you... right?

EY

Mindbloom

Wednesday 8June11

I had a problem solved recently. I've been trying for 2 years, if not longer to do a television fast. You know, stop watching television for say an entire week or month and get shit done. I couldn't manage to find a way to do it. The moment I walked in the house I was clicking on the TV and had it on Bravo for Law and Order. How many times do you need to see the same episodes? Then it was some other show and another. That 3 hours a night I could have been getting stuff done, like say, writing a novel.

I was mad at myself everyday for being so weak and just not keeping my promise to myself.

And then a friend sent me an invitation to Mindbloom. I was bitter at first. Why are people always sending invitations to some kind of social something? Jeez, I'm facebook, I'm on plurk. I've got 5 email addresses and I spend so much time keeping up with those things it's any wonder I leave the house. Any how I checked it out.

It's a wonderful tree of your goals each branch is a specific area of your life and you start with 3 branches and create actions for those areas and you get seeds for keeping those actions. It's beautiful, it's visual and it's fun to keep track of your goals. The best part is because it costs you seeds to add an action, you really have to think about the most important actions you want to take. And as you go along, you make reasonable goals.

Well since I've been keeping track of my goals and actions on mindbloom, I've been so busy working on what I love that I have had no need to turn on the television. And my tree is looking mighty fine. And it all feeds into my chant, I want to feel good. I think if you click the title to this blog entry it will bring you to tree.mindbloom.com

Oh and as an aside on the man front. The gorgeous guy I'd about given up on has reached out, so he's not totally written off. Phew! I do really like him and I'm mindful that we both need to be choosing each other. I need to make him feel good and he needs to make me feel good if we're ever going anywhere with this very fascinating and exhilarating beginning.

EY

A Life off Track

Wednesday 8June11

Things are getting to the boiling point at work lately. I swear on of my co-workers, Monte (fake-name) had decided that his New Year's Resolution was to stir the pot until it exploded or something. From January he came back with an attitude of injustice and he hasn't let it go since. We are June now, it is half way through the year. Shaking my head.

His biggest war has been about overtime hours and how the overtime hours have been allotted. Now I've been working there for 10 years. When I first started there Monte barely did any work. He did the absolute minimal that wouldn't get him fired. He never even considered working overtime. Allan, an optimistic guy, always worked overtime. Sometimes, I thought, to the detriment of his family life. But he has a really cool wife who is super understanding and gets that the more money they can put on their house, the quicker it will be paid off.

Monte has always made fun of Allan. He's called him a brown noser and the like. His enjoyment has always been in trying to crush Allan's happy spirit and optimistic attitude. Then slowly my boss started to light fires under the lazy guys asses and Monte started to change his attitude a bit and did more work. That said, he is the type of guy that over-explains everything and it's clearly his way of wasting time rather than doing actual work. But not everyone is going to be conscientious so you bear with it.

In the last year and a half, out of nowhere Monte has decided that he too wants to work overtime. We all shook our heads in amazement. You want to work overtime at a job that you hate? Interesting way to make money. So he's been working overtime but that hasn't actually been enough for him. Everyday he comes in and checks Allan's timecard to see if Allan has worked overtime and if he has, Monte is in a foul mood for the entire day. Talk about setting yourself up for a miserable life.

And then January rolls around and he comes back to work after nearly 3 weeks vacation and a whole new vendetta. And we've been dealing with this ever since. He has grieved the issue with the union to no avail. The union basically said that as long as management gives everyone a fair shake at it, within the system that they've been using for 30 years(!) there was nothing he could do about it.

I guess what's interesting to me about all this is how far off track we can get in our lives. How we can waste our energies on stupidness that means nothing when we could be channelling it into something better. Realizing goals, making love relationships work, planting a freaking garden. ha-ha! If you are focusing on what you love you don't have the time to start a campaign to make another person's life miserable. Plain and simple. You don't worry about what other people are doing when you have goals to keep you focused.

I'm not an overtime person, I never have been. I get a second job. It's a change of environment and a whole other paycheque that isn't taxed to death making you feel like you worked for an extra $5.

We recently had a Respectful workplace training seminar for the entire company. Of course we all went on different days because the whole company can't stop to take the seminar. In it the Seminar leader talked about negativity in the workplace creating a hostile work environment. She said that we are a culture of complainers. We complain about the drive into work, we complain about the line to get coffee, we complain about the job, we complain about the weather, we complain and complain. She then asked, what about the happy people who don't complain. What about the people who say, that was a great drive in. And oh my kid got all C's on his report card, I'm so proud of him. And that cold air is refreshing it really helps you to wake up and face the day. What do we do to those people?

I spoke up and said, "As a culture, we try to crush them. We want to make them as miserable as we feel so we go out of our way to make fun of them and their optimism and whatever else we can."
Everybody in the room started laughing. I said, "No I'm serious and it isn't funny." And I gave a brush stroke description of Allan (who was in the seminar sitting beside me)and how he comes to work in a good mood and he loves his job and he loves to work overtime and he'll do the dirtiest jobs and how a couple of the guys outwardly try to make his life miserable.

The seminar leader smiled and said, "Shelley's absolutely right and those people are making it a hostile work environment for Allan."

Everybody in the room gasped.

Yes folks, we want to live happy lives and begrudge the people who are actually living happy lives instead of finding out from them what their secret is. It's just a state of mind, how you choose to look at things. The shittiest job can make you happy if you haven't worked in a year and you really, really need the money. When you only have $20 until payday you can all of a sudden get creative and buy some fantastic groceries and really savour the meal you've made and the leftovers that will get you through until payday. There are so many things that we can do when we have no choice in the matter and be really happy about it.

And then we get off track. We have $400 so we buy all this extravagant stuff for groceries and we don't appreciate it like we did those $20 groceries. We've been working at a job for 30 years and forget what's it's like to have to worry about where our next paycheque will come from so out of boredom and malice we make the happy guy's life miserable.

I tell Allan everyday, "don't give into the pressure. Don't lose your inner light. He's not your problem, he's his problem."

And it's true. We're all our own worst enemy and we get off track.

EY

Clearing Old Energy

5June11 Sunday
"Oh Man, the universe had to send me the most attractive, intoxicating guy for me to say no to in order for me to clear the old energy. It's not a learned lesson without a certain level of difficulty." My journal entry from 1June11.

Yep, I'm feeling the tests of the universe, that is for sure. It's always that way, when you say you want to stand for something, like wanting to feel good, the Universe will send you these curves to see how fully committed you are to your new stance. My latest test has been the most adorably gentle, intoxicating man I have ever met. I swear when I'm near him the aliens abduct my brain that is how intoxicated I get from him.

But something isn't quite right. I've been going to his work for 3 years. I never even realized he noticed me other than being a customer. And it's within the last couple months that there has been a decided difference. I won't get into the nitty gritty but he has come across as being very happy with me doing all the showing up. He has been wonderful when ever I see him. He makes me feel like he's happy to see me. He intoxicates me. But any kind of "outside of work" contact has been nil. Non-responsive to the couple emails I've sent him, no moves for my phone number. etc, etc. Everything feels so public all the time with no real moves for one on one. Warning signs?

In keeping with my new boundaries of how I want to be guided in my life, it doesn't make me feel good. I am filled with anxieties about him with all those questions that come up like, "When is he going to ask me out? When is he going to ask me for my phone number? Is he ever going to make a substantial move?"
Always when I leave I walk as I call it the "depression walk". Because I know it will be yet another week that I will have to wait. Now don't get me wrong, I do love a man who takes his time and doesn't rush things but getting to know each other on a one on one basis doesn't fall into rushing things it falls into moving things forward.

It's interesting though because his presence has helped me to adjust some of my daily affirmations.

I've been through this too many times to count. I've been the woman who shows up and shows up and wonders all the questions above and eventually watches as the guy ends up with someone else. Ironically, the movie that was playing last night was, "He's just not that into you." Message? I think so. It's so easy to make excuses for people who don't quite choose me. Oh he's an, "Out of sight, out of mind" kind of person so I just have to make myself MORE available. Or he's shy so I'll have to take the reigns. Well, what I've been told by many men over the years is that even the shy ones find a way to ask a woman they like out.

It's funny how male/female interests can bring up so many family issues. I don't keep in touch with any of my family like I used to, after my mom died, because I realized one day that if I didn't call, they wouldn't call. It was hard to see that the only reason why a relationship was maintained was because I maintained it. Right, right... that was what ultimately fed into my bout of depression so many years ago. Interesting!

So I analyze this situation and I feel like I'm doing an awful lot of chasing for great feelings at the time but then when I walk away I feel like shit.

In my return email to my ex that I mentioned in the previous blog entry, I told him that one of my latest affirmations is I no longer need to attract this into my life (whatever 'this' is). And the sweetface intoxicator is helping me to add more of what I no longer need to attract into my life.

I no longer need to attract the feeling of being lonely in a love relationship again.
I no longer need to attract a man who makes me wait needlessly.

I want a man, I want people who choose me. Plain and simple. They don't have to be up my ass, but I know which people choose me and I certainly know when a man chooses me. And if there are bad childhood feelings that come up, clearly there are things I have to work on and I can only work on them the best way I can. But chasing after people who are not available for me for whatever reason breeds desperation and the question, "What's wrong with me?"

What's wrong with me that he doesn't call? What's wrong with me that I have to do all the work? And all the myriad of questions that can come up. There's nothing wrong with me. I am more than enough.

He is just not that into me. He doesn't choose me and in order to feel good, I can't choose him.

EY

I Want To Feel Good

Saturday 28May11

I first heard the phrase, "I want to feel good," from Wayne Dyer and The Power of Intention. That book and Inspiration are my favorite books of his. Anyway, I watched him on PBS before I bought the book and ultimately the DVD and the workshop. I think they called it the Whole Enchilada on PBS. ha ha.

Wayne was talking about how his voice message on his home phone says something to the effect of, "Hi I'm Wayne Dyer and I want to feel good. If this message is for the purpose of anything other than making me feel good, call Dr. Phil!" Cute joke. But I really liked the idea of, I want to feel good and I decided that was the phrase I wanted to have guide my life.

I didn't really think it through. I'd say the phrase, I want to feel good, but I wasn't following it with anything so sometimes I'd feel good but then someone would do something to aggravate me and I'd get all caught up in rehashing in my thoughts what aggravated me and I wasn't feel good anymore.

The Easter long weekend I had a complete sobfest and after I came of out it I wrote about it in my morning pages and ended up back at the phrase, I want to feel good and I got it. I need to have the intention and then I need to make my actions correspond to the intention.

I've noticed a considerable difference especially at work. I work with all men, STILL! And boy oh boy they can be some moody bastards. They can push anybody to stop feeling good sometimes by simply walking through the door. Since I want to feel good, when Happy Gilmore is sucking his teeth at something or saying something nasty, I tell myself, I want to feel good and I focus on what makes me feel good. Luckily, I can play my music in the office so I usually just sing the song that is playing. Or I leave the office and make more tea. Or I crack a joke with my co-worker/ work husband and I don't involve myself in Happy's tirade.

I do it with my boss, with the contractors who can be smart asses. I do it with everything at work that could possibly take me down the aggravated path. And it has been amazing. I've been so much happier at work.

It's funny, as with all new decisions there is always something that will come up where the universe asks you, "Are you really sure this is your commitment?"

Well I got that test. I've been hit with all this stuff coming back at me like a clearing of old energy. An ex-boyfriend and I would haphazardly keep in contact with each other and inevitably one of us would get on the other ones nerves and there would be a span of years where there would be no contact.

The last time this happened, I had decided to myself, "you know, this guy has never really been my friend. Why do I keep accepting him back when he repeatedly shows he's unreliable?" Just because you know someone for a long time doesn't mean they need to be in your life. We can have weird obligations that don't really make sense. So needless to say, I had decided back then, about 5 years ago to write him off.

Well never to be totally written off, he emailed me about two weeks ago to ask me why I seemed to have been offended by something he said and since we had known each other for all this time, he felt I should tell him what he had done to offend me. There had been other emails and attempts at contacting me prior to this but there was always that insulting edge I just never bothered. This time, I felt like I had to answer.

As I replied to his email I kept saying to myself, if I'm going to commit to being a certain type of person I will have to send an email that states everything but in the kindest way possible. I explained the the things that had finally brought me to the decision to cut the friendship off and explained that my life is now guided by, "I want to feel good." I didn't come right out and say, you don't make me feel good but the implication was there.

I wrote, "I just want to feel good and that is what guides my decisions about everything... I just want to feel good and if I don't feel good anymore, I go away."

Obviously there was much more to the email. I thanked him for taking the time to send me his email and how very sweet it was but I don't know if knowing someone for many years is really enough to continue. We focus on what we need to focus on and we are in the people's lives we need to be in... I no longer need to attract this into my life anymore.

He hasn't written me back so I think it's finally done. And it was done in such a way that I was kind but very clear that there is no room for him in my life anymore.

I want to feel good. It took me a minute to get it. But boy have I been feeling great!

EY

Yes We Can!

Wednesday 6:54pm 5Nov08
Dreaming the impossible has been blown wide open in the last 24 hours. Blown wide open.

All the dreams we've been told that we couldn't have or should change, all the dreams that we hoped our own children wouldn't have to avoid the hurt and the pain ... everything has changed now. All the mixed race children who have felt like they've had to deny one side of themselves just to make life easier. All the mixed race children who have hated something within themselves and have felt the confusion are given another bigger and better option embracing all of who they are.

And just like that old commercial where she tells two friends and they tell two friends and so on and so on, all the possibilities expand out into infinity from race to politics to history to imagining positive changes in our world.

What an exciting time it is now in the United States. What an exciting time that so many of us had hoped for since Sept 11, 2001 when the United States had the world's attention and love and sorrow and people were helping strangers and volunteering to lend a helping hand and hug. 9/11 showed us and reminded us that in a crisis the best qualities of people come to the forefront, deep inside all of us lives good.

I didn't cry last night as I watched the election results. I didn't cry when Barack Obama came out and gave his victory speech. I stood in front of the television and I watched and listened in awe. I nodded my head each time he said Yes we can and I bathed in all the possibilities of that little phrase.

Yes we can dream big and set unreasonable goals because they are only unreasonable until we realize them. Yes we can be the ones to live in possibility, to try something different than what we've always done that hasn't been working. Yes we can think of what community means to us and create it and help others and share with each other. Out of many we are one.

I want to embrace these hopeful enthusiastic feelings on a daily basis. I want to believe that we can heal our troubled world. I want to imagine that we are approaching a higher level of living with each other where our first choice is to show our best qualities that we automatically show in a 9/11 type crisis. Because it is human nature. If we have it in us during a crisis, we can live it without a crisis. It sounds unreasonable doesn't it? But it's only unreasonable until we realize it and if we all focused on our possibilities step by step, minute by minute, person to person... well just Imagine.

Just imagine that we can. Oh Yes we can

Shelley-Lynne Domingue

Mercury is Retrograde one last time

Friday 26Sept08 9:53pm

It's been another month since I've visited my blog. I've thought about blogging at my part time gig but lately it's been too busy to consider. But it's been a fun busy.

My Capricorn spiritual son has been the greatest son to love. We spoil eachother with cookies, which is fine for him, he's a bony little guy. For me? I'm going to have to ask him to spoil me with fruit going forward!
Another Capricorn I know, because have I mentioned I'm overrun with Capricorns, has been facing some relationship issues and I think that one of my purposes in life is to offer advice at how to give a good College try at looking honestly at why you're with someone and look for possible ways to rekindle and if that's not working for you, finding the nicest way to walk away from a relationship if you don't want to be in it.

And it gives me all sorts of novel ideas, for whatever reason.

Things at the day job have gone from reaching a fever pitch of pure insanity and the pendulum swings back to a level of calm.
Basically, I had more work induced pain only this time it was on both sides of my body. I had to do a little dance to be heard but was ultimately heard. And I had to pull out the sound vibration to take my pain away. I'm still waiting for the report from the ergonomist specialist who paid me a visit and assessed my work area. And always, I go for Shiatsu. My therapist who I've nicknamed the hack, has been beating me up and forcing some pains on me and telling me to breath through it and all that. Yeah buddy, let me kick you in the balls and you breath through that pain. He laughs, I'm half serious.

Lance Armstrong announced that he will do the Tour de France next year which makes me thrilled beyond words. I can barely wait until next summer and we just barely finished this one. But the more we have to look forward to, the better life is.

Gatsby, my cat, is 7 months old and a terror and we love him like ten men.

And we hit Mercury Retrograde in Libra. So it affects the cardinal signs more intensely. Aries, Cancer, Capricorns and Libras. But as always we all watch our communications and focus on the words/actions that start with RE. And we smile a lot right? Because we know what's happening. It happens until the 15th of October but I wouldn't start anything new until 29Oct08 especially since it will be a new moon. I've been contemplating asking a special someone to accompany me to my work Christmas party and am thinking I will ask him around October 29th in the new moon phase, after Mercury Retrograde is long behind us. We've had some good moments lately and a specific conversation with he and his younger brother that made me think that all is not lost and possibly I have a whole lot more power over this situation than I originally believed. Hmm! AND HE IS NOT A CAPRICORN! ha ha. I'm trying to be as good and kind and nice to all the Capricorn men I know in hopes that I can once and for all release myself from the curse.

This is the last Mercury Retrograde of the year yippee. The next one is 11Jan09 in Capricorn and Aquarius.

Last year I wrote a lot of entries about Grey's Anatomy on my old Writing2live blog. I may continue that on my newer Writing by Kaizen blog. Because I love that show, it really makes me think about relationships and I'm down to 2 TV shows that I watch. If you ever read my old blog, you know that one year I was knee deep in television and each year I've let go of shows and so it's a major accomplisment to be down to Heroes and Grey's Anatomy. Mad Men is down to it's last few shows for its season so I don't actually count it because by October it will be done plus last week it was a repeat.

EY

28Aug08 Thursday 8:45am

I opened my email this morning to get the latest Neale Donald Walsh offering and again it goes perfect with my post yesterday. Life really is magic!

Here's the offering:

On this day of your life, Shelley, I believe God wants you to know...
. .that just when it looks like life is falling apart, it may be falling together for the first time.

I have learned to trust the process of life, and not so much the outcome. Destinations have not nearly as much value as journeys.

So maybe you should let things fall apart at this juncture if that's what's happening. Don't hang on so tenaciously. The nice thing about things falling apart is that you can pick up only the pieces that you want...

...and you know exactly why I told you this today...

Love, Your Friend....end


EY

Crush Self Doubt

Wednesday 27Aug08 12:27pm

When one door closes another one opens. So I’m trying to believe that as I hold the tears at bay.
Boy oh boy crappy things really can happen, can’t they? And with all the law of attraction I know about and all that it’s easy to fall into just sitting with the negativity having a good cry and asking the cosmos ‘WHY?”

I’m not really sure what this is all about. What is the purpose? But I can’t ask why, I just need to ask, What do I choose now?

It’s ironic that I would receive that message from Neale Donald Walsh of conversations with God fame. I get regular emails entitled ‘I believe God wants you to know.’ And most recently the message I’ve kept at my desk is this:

On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
...that "Why is this happening?" is the most useless question in the Universe.

The only really profitable question is, "What?" As in, "What do I choose now?" This question empowers. The "why" question simply perplexes, and rarely satisfies even when it gets a good answer.

So don't try to "figure it out." Stop it. Just focus on what you now wish to create. Keep moving forward. There's nothing behind you that can possibly serve you better than your highest thoughts about tomorrow.

You will not have to think but a second to know exactly why you received this message today. end


It was appropriate when I received it and it’s even more appropriate today. I’ve got a question to ask to reframe my thoughts and move my focus forward.

What do I choose now? I do not know the reasoning behind why I am having all these issues, Maybe I want what I want too much. I don’t really know. There is apparently a method to all this madness.

It’s hard to be optimistic when I keep getting slapped right down. I honestly don’t know what to do other than ask the question, what do I choose now, and keep asking it until I figure out what to choose. I know that being depressed serves no real purpose which is a vast improvement on the way my thoughts can work. Depression is a choice, it follows my thoughts. It’s that simple.

I feel like I am dodging bullets left right and centre. And the bullet grazes hurt like hell. So the positive side of that is, imagine how much worse the full on effect of being hit by the proverbial bullets? Apparently with the Kevlar vest, there is still bruising.

And today’s card from Christin Snider is absolutely perfect with all this.

Today's Card: Ace of Clubs (Wands)

In this card the scepter reaches out from the clouds like the hand of heaven. Behind it lies the hill with a beautiful castle.
Wands/Clubs signify new beginnings, the seeds of ideas, fresh starts, and manifesting our energy in ways that allow us to reach our goals.

Where thoughts flow so does our energy, so it becomes very important to direct our thoughts (and therefore our energy) in empowered ways.
Rather than focus on what's "wrong" or potential failure etc, it is important to keep our eyes turned towards the goal, and more importantly to stay motivated and encouraged now so that the goal doesn't seem so elusive.

The success of a journey is not merely the destination, but all the growth and opportunities that occur on all phases, from initial thoughts and planning, to action and then ultimately to achievement.

Ace's often carry with them some element of surprise or hidden opportunity, so make the most of all situations that present themselves to you. Look for new approaches to old challenges as well.

You may find yourself surprised by a sudden change in plans, go for the change :), happiness comes in surprise packages.

The Ace of Clubs reminds us that it is necessary for you to make the first step, to try something different, and be on the lookout for new ideas. Be receptive and open to the possibility of change/alternatives being presented. end

So there I go, there I go, there I go! Depression does nothing, being sad does nothing, asking why does nothing. I have one way to go and that is up. What the bleep do I choose now?
When you feel like your life is falling apart maybe it’s just a sign that it has to fall apart, you have to tear the sucker down and then you can build a new life, the life you really want.

And so I post this now, while I’m at work, because if there is anyone out there who feels like shit today and asks for that little miracle and happens along this blog, this could be your miracle. Miracles don’t have to be big. They can be about knowing that you are not alone.

A Japanese proverb that I found recently: Fall seven times, stand up eight!

EY

Emergency Kit

Sunday 10Aug08 8:09pm

I'm getting my Emergency kit together. I'm like most people, I think I should probably be prepared and then procrastinate about it. Some how all that rang through my head as I watched the new coverage this morning about the North Toronto Propane Explosion was, 'get your kit and shit together.'

There have been three major emergencies in Toronto this year. In February was the Queen St West fire that destroyed 14 buildings. The sky was black on my way to work and in the business district there was that quiet, dark feeling of doom mixed in with the burning smell that the wind blew. It was depressing and scary.

In July was the hydro vault that exploded in an East end apartment. The tenants were forced to stay in their apartments as the hallways filled with smoke. When they were finally evacuated, they sat on TTC buses, with the clothes on their backs, for hours.

And now this morning, in the North end was the propane explosion that affected a massive area of the city. How many times can I see images of people in their pajamas and housecoats sitting on TTC buses shivering before I make sure that I am prepared with the basic necessities?

We had a speaker at one or our quarterly meetings who talked about emergency preparation. He said that we cannot depend on emergency services being there when we need them the most because there could hundreds or thousands of people that they have to help first. It's scary but if you think of Hurricane Katrina, you know that it's true.

So as I prepare my emergency kit and my grab-and-go-bag I thought I'd mention it and provide the link to Public Safety Canada because you don't want to think about it and you hope that it never happens to you but you've got to be ready.

EY

Acceptance

8 Aug08 Friday 9:41pm

When I was a child my brother, who is 4.5 years older than I am, used to beat me up. As older siblings often do, he would bug me and tease me and sometimes beat me up. Of course I'd cry and sometimes I'd tell my mom and sometimes she'd hear my screams, like when he threw hockey tape at me and hit me in the head. Every once in awhile my brother would bug me when I was busy doing my own thing and I'd lose my temper and I'd beat him up. He'd go crying to mom and she'd say, "What were you doing to make Shelley that mad. That girl never gets mad. If she hurt you, it's your own fault!" ha ha.

Not much has changed, my biggest anger comes out when I am minding my own business, doing my own thing, and someone comes along, takes me away from my focus over to theirs and then plays with my head. That's where it's been at with the dastardly dude. It's all about innuendo with some men. I hate innuendo. You can never really argue with innuendo. If you say anything like your actions came across as genuine interest or like we were building toward some sort of relationship/friendship etc. The person can always say, "I was just being friendly, that's not what I meant." *sigh*

I hate innuendo. So as I come to terms with a certain persons lack of being a man of his word or simply just not being a worthwhile friend, I find that this week's theme is all about acceptance.

It started with the book that I'm currently reading by Gurmukh, "The 8 Talents: Restore the Balance and Serenity Within You with Kundalini Yoga." In it, she tells a story about a Jewish father and son who come at odds because the father has orthodox beliefs and the son doesn't. The father disowns the son and they never reconcile. The son, after finding out that that the father has died decides to go on a pilgrimage to Israel hoping to find some peace with his relationship with his father and wishing that he could turn back time and tell his father that he always loved him despite their differences. At the Wailing Wall in Israel, the son prays for his father's understanding even though it was too late. He prays the prayers that he learned from his father then prays his own prayer asking for his father's understanding. He notices that other people are writing notes asking for a miracle and placing them in the wall. He decides to write his own note and tries to find a spot to place his note in the crowded wall. His note asks for the father's understanding and says that he's always loved his father even when his father disowned him. He finally finds a spot and as he places his note in, a note falls out into his hand. He opens the note and it's in his father's handwriting. The note is written to the son saying that the father loves him, has always loved him even when the son had turned his back on the father's faith.

After reading that story, I decided to see my situation with the Guy in a different light. I decided to accept that he isn't the person that I had hoped he'd be. I decided to see him as he is, the guy who I see regularly and have pleasant conversations with. That person I can like and not feel any animosity towards.

As Wayne Dyer says, "Change your mind and change your life."

I listened to Doreen Virtue's podcast through Hay House radio and so many thing came up about acceptance and how to find acceptance. And last night I worked with 27 year old sweet guy at my part time job. I think I'd like to nickname him my Spiritual Son. I've felt since the first time I met him that if I ever had a kid, he is the kind of self aware kid I'd wish to have. The first thing I asked him about, when we had quiet time, was the female heartbreaker. It wasn't a great story. Things didn't work out for him but I suspected it wasn't going to even though I'd hoped it would. It's so ironic that all the tales I've heard about his relationship reminded me of my past Capricorn relationships. It felt very Capricorn - Pisces.

Anyway, my Spiritual Son talked about acceptance and putting the whole relationship into perspective, not unlike me seeing the guy who comes into my office as someone I have pleasant conversations with. My Spiritual Son wrote an unsent letter to the heartbreaker which he acknowledged was really more for himself then for her and he let me read it. Oh what a beautiful young man! We talked about whether we could be friends with our exes and both agreed that you can't really. There is always ulterior motives involved. One hopes that if you wait long enough you could get back together and the other always gets to feel that there is this person who still has designs on you. Plus if you can't be happy about a person finding someone to love who isn't you, you're not really his or her friend.

Somehow we got onto the topic of miracles because my SS, at his most heartbroken, was standing in a line at a store and this stranger told him that she was sorry that his girl was treating him so pitifully and then proceeded to get in depth about how the heartbreaker would regret letting him go. I told him my two similar miracle stories and showed him the little angel that I'd found the one day at work when I was really down. I also said that I like to look for daily miracles because, 'they happen all the time you know? You just have to look for them and not get bogged down with all the day to day crap.'

I finally asked him what sign he was and ofcourse, he's a Capricorn. I swear I'm going to start keeping track of all the Capricorns I meet. And yes his ex is a Pisces.

We had a good chuckle about my Capricorn stalkings epecially the three guys with the same name and same birthday.

Acceptance. This is what this is. It doesn't matter how much I wish it away or hope it was different, this is what it is. This is how I live. These are the people that I meet. This is how some people treat me. This is how some people inspire me. Accept it. Acceptance.

And I've discovered something about myself. That I need time to evaluate rather than react immediately especially when it comes to men. When I react immediately I end everything, don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't come near me. When I evaluate which can clearly take me a couple weeks I can change my mind and change my life.

Flying up in the air to light the olympic flame? Seriously? Totally awesome! The Olympics have begun. Cycling is on now. Cadell Evans is there from the Tour de France. Also Mark Cavendish should be there, I haven't heard his name mentioned yet. Mark left the tour early to prepare for the Olympics. Thankfully we have a television at the p/t job so I should be able to catch the lalympics, as I lovingly call it, when I'm working.

And finally, So You Think You Can Dance ended last night. I watched the finale with my SS. I had him cracking up as I got emotional when Katee won a newly awarded prize for the top female. 50 grand! And when the final male won. I told my SS that I had decided Wednesday night that I wanted Twitch to win and then when Cat said Joshua's name as the winner I spontaneously screamed, "My Baby!" ha ha! So clearly I was happy for either of them. It was a thrill to see two hip hoppers as the final two. And considering Katee and Joshua really never did any wrong throughout the season, it was really sweet to see them as the top female and male dancers.

The next three weeks I do my split shift sleeping between the day job, the part time job and the Olympics. I slept from 6pm to 9pm when I got home after work tonight and now I'm going to lie down and watch the cycling until I fall asleep again. Then up for the p/t job for a very early day and I'm scheduled with my SS. And somewhere in all there, I write.

I had my little birthday party for Zelda who turned two yesterday. Cat nip was sprinkled liberally for each cat. Zelda has grown from copying what Quincy does with cat nip to doing her own thing of chatting with it with loud screaming meows, spreading it around with her feet, flipping her tail wildly and then plunking herself into it and rolling around. Gatsby just looked at all the big girls like they were nuts. He's still too young to get it plus he has more than enough youthful energy without the need of cat dope.

hmm, and I think I may be an Earth Angel . We call them caretakers but I like the term Earth Angels better. I got the term from Doreen Virtue's podcast.

EY

Changes

Thursday 31July08 5:17pm

We're in Leo now and I have yet to read the write up that Guru Rattana sent nice and early this sign. But there is a new moon both on the 1st of August and the 30th. Two in one month. I wonder if that means anything special? Couldn't we all use special?

So You Think You can Dance gave us the cruel blow of ousting the lovely Will. Of course now he has time to marry me! I wonder if he's a Capricorn...

In recent news, Capricorn men STILL SUCK! I don't know why there are so many of them showing up in my world. It doesn't seem fair. But the good thing is that I dodged the bullet relatively early. And a lot can be said for dodging a bullet.

I've been watching this 27 year old sweet guy with the pain of heartbreak and ache and remember that all too well. I wish that I could tell him some secret of how to get over it quicker but, as we all know, there is no expiry date on emotions.

I've taken Gail's advice (from Til Debt do us part) that she would give me if she ever came to my house to check out my situation and I've got myself a part time job. It's where I met 27 year old sweet guy who is suffering. I get to sit on my ass and get paid to work on my writing. Plus I can pay off those pesky debts that have been getting on my nerves. Pay day is on opposite weeks from my day job which is sweet! And I'm getting paid $1.50 more per hour than originally quoted. Nice instant raise!

I've met a couple new men. So despite my Capricorn shenanigans there are other men out there. Being a Capricorn man may actually become the deal breaker. You know of course that if I ever marry, it will probably be to one. *sigh*

When a man shows you who he is, believe him!

The past few weeks the theme has been about justifying bad behaviour, or better yet, other people trying to get me to justify bad behaviour. It started off with a joke that was made up about me 5 years ago. When it was first said I made my comment about how people could perceive me, if they believed it. You know how people are, they hear a silly thing, they don't verify the info and they believe the shit for years to come. The person laughed at the comment as if he didn't believe that was possible. He continued to tell the fallacy every time we were out with others. Some times I let him tell it and laughed it off, other times I said, 'inappropriate time and place," and cut him off.
The night of the Capricorn dastardly deed (I'm not even sure what dastardly means but I love the alliteration), the fabrication/joke was brought out of the vault. I was already annoyed to find that Carpicorn dastard (ha ha) was not a person of his word so it really wasn't the time to be making up stories. I rolled my eyes and said, "Really? You're still going to tell that tale when it's not true?"

The storyteller didn't read the signs nor see the storm clouds. If I ever say to anyone in conversation, "you're not listening to me," that's a strong indication that losing my temper is not far behind. Leaning forward, I went off on this person stating all the things that were wrong with that story and how it could be perceived and how it could ruin my chances with a really nice guy who might be interested in me should he hear this story. At first every one was laughing because they didn't get my seriousnesss. And then I blew. I tore the person apart strip by strip for such fuckery, for not being aware enough to stop when stop was called and I didn't stop there. He got embarrassed then he started to back away. And I still didn't quit.

When I did quit and everyone looked pale, his wife said, "He's just teasing you because he likes you."
"How long, how many years do I laugh something off and play the good sport until enough is enough? How long do I have to understand that he's just teasing me because he likes me before we can move on and at least tell something funny about me that's actually true?"
No one had an answer. It's like someone telling you that you can't take a joke after they've publicly humiliated you. A good joke is when everyone laughs, not when a person is humiliated. In my humble opinion. Any comedien worth his weight will tell you that if the people aren't laughing, the joke was shit.
And the best part is that I said that they all tease me for being single as if there is something wrong with me and yet tell these tales and any possible interest believes them. That's right, I'm the loser...

Wife also tried to justify the Capricorn behaviour and I had to ask her again, how long or how many times does one person come up with excuses before they can name something bad behaviour. Or I can be allowed to be disappointed in him.
When a man shows you who he is, believe him!

The next day I told Ado that I feel like it's some orchestrated test and I'm the worst person to test. He said that in his single days that he'd test women all the time. hmm! What was aggravating was that dapper dan the dastardly deeder originally went on and on so much that I felt compelled to respond to his passive aggressive request and believe in his over eager yes. *sigh* squared

But again, happy to dodge the bullet now instead of three years down the road of justifications only to find out that when I depend on him to be a person of his word he ISN'T! So maybe that's the thing with the Capricorn men appearances. Maybe it's the test that I come up against almost every single time with them. Maybe it's getting rid of them earlier and earlier until they disappear for good or the ones that appear make me forget that they are Capricorns. Who really knows?

My mom's achilles heel was Aries men.

And I have to give props to my married friend because the next day we treated each other as we normally do. I said what I had to say and it was over and done with. And he got that.

Anyhow it's Caribana weekend and I don't have to work. In my interview for my new p/t gig, I said I'd only need that weekend off then my holidays would be my normal 10 days in October for the Festival that I attend yearly.

My life is relatively relaxed even with the occasional out burst. Our office renovations still carry on... can you believe that?

And there is always something to laugh at and learn. Oh yes and who knew how often you use the letter 's'. My cat climbed on to my laptop when I left it unattended momentarily, as I pulled her off, she took the letter s with her. Good thing I got the new gig, gotta save up for a new lap top. Or start using words without the letter 'S'. he he!

EY

Stuff

Saturday 10:44am 12July08
I read this article that has motivated me to get rid of my "stuff". For all you pack rats out there, the main question that worked for me is to ask, "Would I replace this if I lost it in a fire?" I gotta whole lotta no's in my apartment. I started sorting through my no's and ruthlessly throwing them out. I couldn't bear to throw out my writer's magazines out right so I've decided to read them one by one and then leave them at a library. I'm going to label them saying something to that effect so other people could read them if they choose.



EY

Distractions

Saturday 8:52am 12July08

I've been busy with a little fun and a lotta distractions this past week. The Fringe Festival is on and again this year I bought the Buddy Pass which gets me into 14 shows. I've got seven more shows to see before the weekend is done. The Tour de France started last Saturday and has two more weeks to go. And as always there's 'So You Think You Can Dance' showing with a lot more really great black male dancers. Oh my Goodness, Debbie Allen's protege Will is something beautiful in looks and in dance. Totally brilliant. You can love him when he gets all proper in traditional dance and when he gets down n' dirty with hip hop. This week's lyrical performance where he was half naked... makes a woman shake her head with joy! Twitch made it through to the top 10, he didn't make it past Vegas last year because they put Hok through. I loved Hok. Twitch has been showing up every week, working his ass off. And there is sweet Joshua with that sweet smile. They've had great choreographers this year and even added a dynamic Bollywood routine. This may actually be the best season ever.

So once all those distractions end we move into the Olympics and I'm always happy when it's an Olympic year. Crying over people winning and whatnot! Yeah I'm a weird bird, I admit it. I spend more time crying during the Olympics it's crazy. One year one of my girlfriends would call me after the results of a competition to see if I was crying yet. I cry during the opening ceremonies, I cry during the closing ceremonies. I said it here, I cry during the Olympics!

I pulled out Gabrielle Rico's (of Writing the Natural Way fame) book, Pain and Possibility, out to read in the Fringe line ups and have been doing the word sculptures, spirals and of course what she's known for, clustering. It's a nice quick n' dirty way to get a little writing done. It's always amazing what comes up that is so unexpected.

I haven't been doing the amount of writing I want to but I'm still managing to fit some in with all my distractions. And as I think about that more I feel that I'm going to put less of a committed effort into blogging and more commitment into my novel writing. Well the blogging commitment fell by the wayside when I had the pain of last year anyway. Plus my writing blogs Writing2Live and Writing Zazen keep crashing my mac, so I haven't blogged on them in ages and ages. And my newest writing blog is a little forlorn...

I'll still be here of course and if you're subscribed through Feedblitz, then you'll always know when I have something new to say. But for now, I think it's time to move into an all consuming committment to writing my novels. I had a discussion with a work acquaintance on Thursday. Whenever he comes into the office he asks me what I'm eating. He is also into eating a lot of fruit and drinking fresh juices and the like. He was telling me about one of his coworkers who apparently is the voice of knowledge on anything to do with healthy eating. My acquaintance said, "I don't know how he finds the time to know all this stuff. He's got a wife and kids, he's an Engineer and he's smart!" We laughed about it and sequed into a discussion about finding time. I said that almost everyday of my life I wonder how women with kids get anything done. "If it were me," I said, "I'd be telling my 3 year old, 'cook your own dinner'." ha ha!

As an aside, my work acquaintance called me a geek! What the heck? We were talking about juicers and I admitted to having more than one, a magic bullit (which I killed) and a blender and he said in an amused voice, "You're such a geek." The nerve of some people's brats, as my mother used to say. I was so affected by that comment that I wrote a vignette about it in my notebook. I've never been 'such a geek' in all my life. ha ha! He stockpiles organic soap and I'm a geek?

But seriously, I'm really starting to see that I have to narrow my focus. I'm passionate about a lot of things and I can spin around jumping from one passion to the next in my special Pisces way, two fish swimming in the opposite direction at the same time. Hello!

The other inspiration that made me think about time, other than Geek Boy's comment ( *snicker* ) came from CJ Darlington's series Advice for Novelist’s . Sibella Giorello's advice is about sacrificing. Let's see where this gets me!

EY

Jay-Z live at Glastonbury 2008

You have to like when someone can tell you to screw off in a diplomatic way. Noel Gallagher of Oasis infamy was mouthing off that no one wanted Jay Z to performat the Glastonbury fest.

So what does Jay Z do?

He comes out playing the Oasis tune Wonderwall just to let you know who he's talking to. Then says, "I just got one thing to say..." and goes into 99 Problems.

I got 99 problems and a bitch ain't one! An inspiring bitch slap. And a nice mash up with AC/DC. It was the best celebrity giggle I've had in a long time.

EY

We're in Cancer

Tuesday 1July 10:59am

So we're in Cancer now as of June 21st. I started to make notes on the previous New Millenium Beings but haven't got around to completing them. Ah What the heck, if you're that interested in them you know where to find them. I've mentioned it enough.

The last week of Gemini (June 16 to June 21) and the last couple days of mercury retrograde were filled with conflicting energies and all out craziness. Miscommunications were coming left, right, centre and off centre. Our office renovations were a mess. People insisted they'd booked the loading dock when they hadn't, people were trying to book the loading dock but had no information to give me. A couple people at work called me to train them on a certain system we use , because I am the expert, then proceeded to tell me how it should be done or just did it their way and then got pissy because it wasn't working. Hmm, if you're asking me to train you do you think you could just do it the way I've told you? I actually said to one of them, "If you know how to do it, why are you calling me? I have work to do." sigh

Then two of my girlfriends had a birthday and we were celebrating both combined. None of us could seem to make a decision about whether we wanted a psychic reading or not. It was the first time that I was cognizant of the exhausting energies swirling around the change of one sign to the next (Gemini to Cancer). So much so that I took the Thursday the 19th off. I was like, 'screw it, I am not going to be around people today.' ha ha! Oh yeah and there was a full moon in there too!

Work was a short day on Friday, June 20th and instead of my normal Shiastu treatment I came home to ready for the girl's birthdays. I made the mistake of watching Oprah and she had me boo hooing like a maniac! I went to take the bus to the restaurant because I figured I could get a seat rather then taking the subway during rush hour. WTF! The bus went into the subway lot then turned and went back towards my house! It took me two stops to get my bearings and decide what I was going to do. I took a friggin' cab otherwise I'd be late. I got to the restaurant and all of a sudden I was feeling off. They were taking forever to bring us to our table, our waiter took forever to take our drink orders and he had a fucking attitude, the girl I was sitting beside kept moving forward when talking to the girl beside her so I was totally blocked out. The girl across from me kept studying me sensing my out of sorts ness and I'm not used to being scrutinized. I tried to explain that dealing with men all the time can be exhausting and I go through quiet periods because I need to recharge but that I was fine. My two girlfriends, who get me, were fine. I said I didn't need to have a psychic reading but I was on the list. Everything was totally out of whack.

So I have the psychic reading and the first thing she focuses on is how out of sorts I am. Oh fuck! I don't want to discuss this!
But she gave me some ideas on how to get back to my centre, which is a good thing. And then the reading went in to freaky. She clipped into my creativity and just kept telling me stuff that was like the universe giving me permission to commit and focus on it. She talked about the struggles of working full time and trying to write in my spare time. She talked about a guardian hovering around me who I was never close to when she was alive and why she has chosen to be my guardian now on the other side. And all this was said after I sat down and said Hi! I didn't tell her anything about me. Oh and she has a cat named Gatsby! ha ha.

I wrote furious notes, like I do, and my reading was over. Being a person that needs to process what I've heard, what I've seen, what I feel, I didn't want to go back to the table and answer the inevitable questions. I stopped by long enough to say, "give her 2 minutes before you go for your reading," and made a bee line to the washroom. I got back to the table, looked at the table, looked at my empty chair did a full circle like a dog does before he lies down and said, "I'm going outside!" Said in that wacko almost scream, definitely too loud, crazed voice.
The scrutinizer says, "I'll come too?"
I nodded my head and flew down the stairs and out of the restaurant. The scrutinizer and one of the birthday girls joined me and chatted a little small talk and just waited for me to speak and surprisingly I spilled as I burst into tears. It was so weird because I'm not used to people being around when I go through my process. And I'm not used to people getting that I'm about to, I don't even know what to call it. It's like I'm open and there's too many energies coming through at once and I don't know how to put up the shield to control all the energies hitting me. Kind of like being stung by 800 wasps all at once, what area do you cover first?

Overall, it was an amazing reading and it was warming to actually open up and share at the time that my emotions were spilling over. And allow myself to be nurtured. It's not something I do often and I tend to feel embarrassed by it. On June 21st, I slept all day!

In Cancer I'm feeling all about sticking close to home. Cancer certainly is about the home. This past weekend, with a party a mere few blocks away, I stayed home and worked on my writing. I swear this is my first year of not joining in the Gay Pride Festivities. I realize that I don't hang around any gay men anymore. Not like I used to. Lately my life has been about all women. I've discovered that I have a half dozen close women friends. It's different for sure and really needed on the nurturing level, another Cancer thing. Especially since I spend all my work days surrounded by men.

I had those debates throughout the weekend about maybe getting out there and having some fun but I realized that I was having fun. I paraphrased Nelly Furtado's quote about working on her music which was, "When my friends were out on the weekends going to parties and having a fun time, I was at home working on my music."

And for whatever reason I'm facing off waiting. Waiting for friends to be available, waiting for men to decide their interest level, waiting until I have more money, waiting to write, waiting to live a meaningful life. Everything surrounding waiting. I've become so well versed at living as a single person, that's not a problem. But there are things that I think I'd like to do with people or that I think I have to wait to do until I have a running partner to do it with me. Or commitments I think I have to wait to make until the money is available...

A man was recently talking to me about whether he should adopt a couple kittens now or not. His apartment has small windows. He doesn't have a balcony etc. He said, "It's like trying to decide when it's the right time to have kids, it's never the right time you just have to plunge in." The first thing I thought was, 'Holy shit! What guy says that? Kids?"
Instead I said, "Or finding the right time to write."

And he's right we can always find an excuse or a valid reason to wait to do anything from adopting kittens to (the life changing) having kids and all the other wishes and dreams in between. So I'm thinking about waiting and asking myself what I'm waiting for, and I'm processing (like I do)...

EY

Quiet Times and Personal Meaning

Tuesday 1July08 9:59am

Today’s podcast (Episode 4) from Dr. Eric Maisel is on Personal Meaning
His podcast is Purpose-Centred Life - A Plan for Authentic Living. His podcasts and others can be found at Personal Life Media

I've been kind of quiet. I seem to be in a big processing mode, processing all the energies and messages flying my way. It's all good. The messages make me think about commitment level and mine in particular.

It's funny how when I look, so many messages can come my way. This morning I watched my kitten Gatsby eyeing my baby girl Zelda. When Zelda gets worn out from Gatsby and all his energy and bites, she goes as high in the apartment as possible because little guy Gatsby can't jump all that well. He's still a little guy at 4 months old and having started his life almost dying twice. He still has breathing issues, he sounds like an asthmatic at times. But that doesn't really stop him.

Anyway, Zelda gets on top of my stacked storage bins that are stacked three high. It's taller than my shelving unit in my kitchen. It's the place she calls peace. It's one of the three places that he can't get at. "Ha ha," she waves down at him, "you can't get me!"
This morning I'm lying in bed taking my time with waking fully, enjoying the moment. It is a holiday after all. I watch Gatsby run in and out of the kitchen just pissed that he can't get at Zelda. He stops at the bins and stares them down. He runs back into the main room, turns and runs at the bins. His little paws clip into the lid of the first bin and he tries to scale up to the second lid. He doesn't quite make it and plops off. Doesn't the little shit keep trying? Doesn't he scale up to the third bin with his little feet clawing the third lid and I swear he was laughing at Zelda and screaming HI! HI!. ha ha.
He flings himself on to the kitchen table and jumps up to the top bin to harrass poor Miss Zelda.

My immediate thought was, "talk about using your individual way to succeed."

Zelda ran off feeling bitter, no doubt, and Gatsby chased after her. When she ditched him by jumping up into the bathroom window he turned on his heels and ran back into the kitchen. By this time I was in there prepping my fruits and smoothies and stuff. I turned to watch him scale all the bins, pull himself on top and lie down! I swear watching little dude is a daily lesson on perseverance. He rocks!

Eric Maisel's podcast on Personal Meaning didn't leave me with many notes. I wrote stuff like:
"You get to decide what meaning is in your Life."
"Make life mean exactly what you want it to mean."
"What does life mean? Whatever I decide it to mean."
"Commit, 'I intend to matter in my own meaningful way'"

Good notes but nothing to blog about. But it's funny that since the last couple of days of listening to that podcast, examples of meaning have been showing up. Like Gatsby.

And I caught a couple shows on Global this morning. You gotta love holiday mornings when the programmers don't know what to put on television and they end up putting on some stellar stuff, sometimes. I caught two episodes of a show about second chances in life. And it's Canadian! One episode was about a woman who has won a woman of distinction award, Kim Beauregard (I think). She was overweight, stagnant in her life, unhappily married. She found her individual way to success. She's run marathons then after an injury started body building, won strongest woman award, became a nurse, is a personal trainer/coach, dog walker. She went from no where to now here, as Wayne Dyer likes to say.

She made a brilliant comment, "Even when you're at the back of the pack, you're still a runner."
Ah Personal Meaning at it's finest.

The other episode was about a woman who was really successful selling cars, Ferrari's, Maserati's and the like, which she loved. She was one of the crew members for her husband who races cars. She was living a pretty good existence. She got back into painting while on maternity leave and realized that her soul had been crying out for it. She worked out a new schedule at work to enable her to have Fridays off to paint and by fluke showed a guy her paintings, who subsequently got on the phone and was able to bring her paintings to a showing in Chicago and sold them all!

In the episode she discusses the struggle of giving up a comfortable job with benefits to the uneasyness of being a painter.
The scary dream of the artist's life rebounds in my head on a daily basis. How do I matter in my own meaningful way?

EY

Tuxedo Cat

Wednesday 2:03am 18June08

Ah! We're a day away from the end of Mercury Retrograde. The last few days have been filled with communications issues galore! At least I know, so it keeps me calm. But some people who don't know seem to suffer from broken record syndrome, going on and on about the same thing. Maybe if I say the same thing again, I'll get different results. Maybe if I say the same thing again, I'll get different results. Maybe if I say the same thing again, I'll get different results. Yeah buddy, good luck with that action!

I had a contractor do just that yesterday at work. I actually started to sing while he was saying the same thing he'd said about 8 times. I told him that it didn't matter how many times he repeated the same old story the answer hadn't changed but to no avail. So there I was resorting to the la la la song that siblings sing to eachother when they get tired of listening. Okay so I didn't sing the la la la song because I had music playing. But I did sing the song that was playing, so it was close. ha ha! Where's my brother when you need him?

I finally had to send an email to the tenant, and the contractor's boss requesting that they kindly explain to contractor dude that in property management there are certain rules about accessing a tenant's space without permission. It has to be a life threatening emergency or something pertaining to damaging the building. I also mentioned that "shooting the messenger" didn't change that fact. Contractor dude came back to my office rather meek and mild but still proceeded to explain his frustration to me one more gain because clearly I have no grasp of the English language and must be told yet again. zzz!

When I rule the world, we'll be able to take off Mercury Retrograde, I'm just saying!




Okay so my friend called Gatsby a tuxedo cat. I thought she just meant that he was high class. It seems that no there is actually a term for the two colored black cat! Who knew!

EY