28Dec14
Spent a very lazy day yesterday. I'm learning how to be lazy without guilt tripping myself.
I've been watching the Blue Bloods marathon. Why? I have no clue but watching it (anything) is teaching me that I have way too much mental chatter simply because it's starting to calm it.
One of the episodes made me wish I was able to articulate my truth when I was a teenager. Erin's 16 year old daughter, Nicky, wants to go to a college party and of course her mother has said no. Nicky goes to her grandfather (The Police Commissioner) for his help. She tells him something like, "I've done everything that's ever been asked of me to the extent where all my friend's parents say, 'why can't you be more like Nicky.' I've never done anything to make you embarrassed. At what point do you start to trust me?"
At what point do you start to trust me? Brought a little tear to my eye. There were so many restrictions in my child hood home especially on me and I was the good kid.
I've been watching child hood stuff come up at work. I said recently to a co-worker, "It's like we never escape being children. We still have to give that fake smile and fake, Thank You, because being honest makes us seem like we're difficult people or we're ingrates."
The Christmas parties were a big thing this year. The invitations are emailed out for the Company party, the Team party and the party that we extend to our service providers. Our guys are the worst for responding to (or not responding to) invitations. How many times I've said, "Guys just click accept or decline and call it a day." They simply rebel against it. Then it turns into a thing where I have to become the babysitter because I'm "asked" to find out who is going and who isn't. I have to ask Grown men.
I compile a list and send it to all interested parties and then we're still continually asked, "Are you going, Are you going?"
Anyway one of the guys, 'Andrew', has never been the guy to participate. In the 14 years I've been there he's never been to the Company Christmas party. He's attended a handful of the team parties and he usually avoids the SP party (he's been to two). He's not the guy to attend these things can we just let him be?
He is asked every year if he's attending and if the answer is no, he is guilt tripped. These things are planned for you guys, you're not social enough, you're ungrateful blah, blah, blah.
For whatever reason this year every body comes to complain to me about him. Complain!
I've tried to explain him away. I've said you know you have to understand he's had a rough year. His dad has been sick. Or, He's not always in the mood to be social. I've explained that he's been trying really hard and participating when he's not really the guy to participate. And finally I just came right out and said, "Why can't he just say no? Why does he need to explain himself? He's a grown man. And quite frankly there's always so much pressure."
After the year I've had I'm turning to the place of living a life less bullshit. I'm getting tired of sugar coating what I think and how I feel.
They really put so much pressure on something that is supposed to be FUN! At our team party someone said, "We should have set up the seating so that everyone was alternated between the Operations and the Management office."
I'm like, Why? Why can't I sit with whoever I want to sit? Now you're telling me who I can sit with? "That idea right there is why Andrew isn't here."
Like children we have to continue to smile. Smile through bullshit pressure to be social on our own time and possibly have to sit beside someone who fucks with us all year round.
Like children we have to show we know how to take a joke when the boss blatantly insults us in front of everyone, but it's only a joke.
I was telling Andrew the next day, "the fucking picture taking did me in. Did me in!"
We're in a dinner atmosphere and our pictures are being taken by one of the staff. She criticizes me because I don't like having my picture taken. I say, Okay you've taken 4 pics of me, you can leave me alone now. But it's too bad for me that I'm assertive enough to say I don't want to have my picture taken. I must be mocked. She yells my name across the restaurant and continues on taking pictures. There are a good 25 people there. Once the food comes, please don't take pictures of me eating. I had to sit there for 2 minutes before I could bite into my food while she took pictures.
Life is so bizarre. We can spend so much time faking it.
It's an energetic invitation. the energetic invitations always get me in trouble. I'm learning that I can no longer entertain an energetic invitation.
You know the ones. He hovers around the vicinity a little longer, past the end of a valid request. I have to ask every single time, "Did you need something else?"
He has a little grin. Shy. He looks up like he's seriously thinking about the answer and then , "No ,no, I think that's it."
I'm a little slow. I never think anyone is interested in me until I think someone is interested in me. He has to hover a long time and consistently before I even start to clue in.
The energetic inviter is really the guy who uses innuendo as his weapon. He never comes right out and says anything specific. His interest hangs in the air waiting for me to meet up with it. My problem is that I believe that if he shows an interest and I have a reciprocating interest, my natural move is to show enough of an interest as acknowledgement that I'm willing to at least start the dance. Nothing is ever that simple.
I have marveled at the amount of people who jump into relationships quickly and have long-term relationships. I have never been that person. It has never been as simple as meeting a guy and it goes from there. Never!
The gift in all of this interaction with the hovering man is having him as a practice person to work my Human Design out on. The importance is in understanding how detrimental it can be plugging into the wrong person. Allowing the wrong person into my personal life.
I swear I was listening to this Sia song one night and I found it to be the perfect metaphor a charming, seemingly shy man who shows up and gets a Projector woman's hopes up ...I've put the lyrics in quotes.
Put on my best dress, I wanted to impress
I put a little make-up on
Put a bow in my hair, wore pretty underwear
hoping you might take it off
Don't know your etiquette but
I'm strapped to my chair, and it ain't 'cos you're pretty
You were charming, until
You saw your chance to kill, your chance to make history.
I've been reading about Projectors. The warning is that we wait so long between invitations that we get excited when we are finally invited. I think that is where the energetic invitations get me in trouble. I know it's an invitation. We both know it's an invitation. But there is a missing ingredient.
I'm so cheerfully willing to get to know this man and it's like the moment I show that willingness he becomes too sure of himself. Like I'm a done deal when I'm so far from it. Buddy I have to get to know you first.
It's funny how I can be the most difficult person to get to know with people in general. With non-romantic options, I can make it next to impossible to get to know me. I understand how people can wear me out so I don't accept too many people into my personal space. I know how much I give emotionally to my people and how trying it can be. I'm always at the ready to be there whenever I'm needed. I can't be that person for just anyone. With a man, if I've asked myself about my level of interest, I can be so willing to believe that what I want is possible, if he'd just...
There have been some great signs from him but they are simply short lived. His follow through is a mess. A chaotic, confusing mess.
And so we approach the beginning of the end. I lose faith in him.
You went straight for the knife, and I prepared to die
your blade it shines
looked me straight in the eye, you turned the gas on high
held the flame alight, you wonder why
I'm scared of fire
you wonder why you make girls cry.
I've listened to Ra Uru Hu's recording about Projectors and some of what I loved was that he said, "You know that you know about the other." There can be a sense that it's not the proper recognition, not the right person but I ignore it. I want to try to make things fit. Ra's comment that I re-wrote in my notes, "I am here to recognize when the right person shows up. I don't go to find him. The other is so important and it's often the wrong other - which puts a projector into bitterness. We do a lousy job in picking partners because we shouldn't look for them, we are here to be found."
I've wondered if he was just trying to see if he could get my interest. And that was all he needed.
I can remember with an ex-boyfriend how I could always tell when he was talking to a woman on the phone. It was that tone of voice.
It's that innuendo. He had a girlfriend, me, why did he need to speak to other women in that tone of voice? Was he setting up the groundwork to have someone at the ready if things didn't work out with us?
This man talks to me in that certain way that's not professional and not that of just a buddy.
When we have contact with each other, everything is so intense. It's a good intense. It makes me feel alive, it makes me feel good. And there is a promise of more to come, like he means it and then there is radio silence. The contact is unpredictable. Never there when I say okay to his promise, always there when I don't seem to care about his promise. It's such a great lesson for me because I've dated this guy repeatedly. The more this man is around me and not around me I see so clearly this timeline of the same boyfriends who I had the inkling weren't for me but I went out with them anyway. I call it George Clooney in the Role of Warren Beatty.
I love the information about Projectors plugging into others. Aside from what I mentioned earlier about how people can wear me out, that part I understand, the scary part is when it feels good and then it's abruptly pulled away. I wrote in my journal, "Maybe it's just an addiction to your energy. We all know about addictions, right? They are not good for us. They deplete us. They shame us."
My Mascara a mess, harsh words for your princess
boy, you and your promises
if your goal was to love, you scored an epic mess
now you'll just have memories
Projectors, we think a person is one thing and they are something else.
It was the day that I called him a nick name that he didn't love. I said I'd decided that he would be my little brother. I wasn't just putting him in the friend zone, I was putting him in the not an option for sexual intimacy zone. Only then did he volunteer that he was in a non serious relationship, aka friends with benefits, more harshly, fuck-buddies. Projectors are not meant to be fuck buddies. I don't think. Anyway it's not my game, not my thing. It certainly doesn't endear me to a man.
Men who have fuck buddies learn how to treat women like they are disposable. That kind of man doesn't know what to do when he gets a good woman. He's so used to picking the low hanging fruit he doesn't know how to make the effort to pick the fruit from the top of the tree and he doesn't feel like he has to bother.
You went straight for the knife, and I prepared to die
your blade it shines
looked me straight in the eye, you turned the gas on high
held the flame alight, you wonder why
I'm scared of fire
you wonder why you make girls cry
Boy, you draw me back in
I'm hungry for your bad loving
but will someone find me swinging from the rafters
from hanging on your every word.
The lesson brings me in so many directions.
How good an energy from another person can feel that can pull me into a dangerous place emotionally. What I know about myself and learned long before Human Design is that my recovery time is long. I've never been the person who went out with a lot of men or jumped from relationship to relationship because I'm not built for it.
An energy can feel so good that I can lead myself to believe that he'll improve, he'll change, if I just wait it out. He just doesn't know what he wants yet, right? Ha!
When I was in my 20's I had the energy to date this guy. That was how I learned what I know now. When I was 22 and he talked to other women with that tone of voice, I just had to be cool, not jealous, he'd realize that I was the catch. He simply needed to sow his wild oats. When I was 25 and he wasn't a person of his word, I thought if I acted cool he would come around more consistently. I knew never to make a big deal about it. I knew that it was up to me, it was my behaviour that would get him to change his.
I was well-versed in all the ways to take my own recognition out of the equation. I forgot about my own power because I was so busy feeling insecure chasing after people who didn't value or recognize me.
I've played a lot with this interaction. I've tested my feelings within his energy. I see how the energy pull is so easy to get swallowed up in. I can easily be pulled back in. The moment I feel that I mention his fuck buddy to him but I call her his girlfriend.
"Oh you went scuba diving this weekend? Did you go with your girlfriend?"
"I don't have a girlfriend."
Girlfriend is my safe word. It's the reality check that helps me to stay in my field of knowing that I have to reject this person. He is just a test.
I firmly believe the quote from Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist, "What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream."
I feel like this whole interaction falls into that quote. The best part is that the man has become more and more beautiful to look at as the months have passed. He has become more physically attractive. I swear he's grown taller. ha-ha! It wouldn't be a good test, a good lesson otherwise.
You went straight for the knife, and I prepared to die
your blade it shines
looked me straight in the eye, you turned the gas on high
held the flame alight, you wonder why
I'm scared of fire
you wonder why you make girls cry.
In my journal I wrote, Reading Paulo Coehlo's the Alchemist and the boy meets Fatima and ultimately admits that he will have to leave to seek his treasure but he will be back for her. That whole sequence brought me to writing this: I've always known I'd have to wait and the fearful question was, 'What if I have to wait forever? What if he never comes back? (that's the Great Gatsby and Wuthering Heights - He came back but neither woman waited). Now I understand that it's in the recognition of the other that will tell me and how I feel will help me to decide.
With George Clooney (this current man), the Universe is asking me, Have you learned your lesson? Are you willing to love yourself this time around? And when you put it that way, I have to love myself. I have to step forward, then step away and not look back.
With Warren Beatty (the ex), most recently, I have had to keep rejecting him and rejecting him and his invitations have been filled with full out recognition of the type of person I am. But in my heart, I've had to turn him down because he has never given me the one consistent show of action that he meant what he said. I've found that I will have to do the same with George Clooney.
My confession is that I am sad because he is so beautiful and physical and macho. He is such a guy. And boy do I ever want to know what he's like in every possible way... to feel the way he would touch me...AND THAT'S WHERE THE TROUBLE BEGINS!!! All those good feelings go with a man who cherishes me and protects my delicate, sensitive heart. A man who recognizes me and gives me the formal invitation that is just right for me.
The best vacation is when you don't know the date. I have to check the calendar every single morning. It's been a good feeling. I've been on vacation since Wednesday the 22nd and am off until November 4th.
It's been such a great break from focusing on the experiment, from focusing on being a projector. Although I have been listening to Human Design recordings, it's still been a good break.
I think the main reason is that I'm away from all the junk from work. In the middle of telling my boss, on my last day of work, that the woman who does the invoicing actually had access to a certain work system he cut me off to say fairly loudly, "Do you know how busy she is?" He didn't give me a chance to say what I was trying to say which was, if the approval hadn't gone through by end of day, the woman who does the invoicing has access to the system so she will have to check to see if it's approved because I won't be there to check it. That's all. But somehow I'm accusing her of not doing her job or something. sigh. Nothing like being in a place where you're not valued.
So it's been a great break from that. And all through my vacation I haven't worried about invitations at all. I've been attending the International Festival of Author's as I've done for close to 20 years now. I don't worry about interactions with others for the most part. Of course I know a lot of people there. So I receive a lot of welcoming smiles. But I really do stick to myself. One of my guys at work called it my reading week. I like that.
I've been a bit of a hermit in public. I don't initiate conversations. I walk around in my own little bubble. It is good.
I've been relaxing into the fact that I need/ want a new career/job, a new place to live, that the man who has seemed closest to a love interest is really not the right man although highly charismatic and attractive. It's weird to feel so good around a person and yet...so many things are just not right.
Since I've embraced the fact that 2014 is an alone year I've been having a ball. I went to Stratford, Ontario three weekends in a row. I saw A Midnight's Summer Dream; Hay Fever and Crazy for You. I tell you the Stratford Direct Bus has been a godsend. It's nice to be able to climb on the bus and get dropped off in front of the three theatres. Easy Schmeasy. Although the person sitting beside me has been a crap shoot. I had to give a guy shit for reading over my shoulder. "Buddy, I have to hide my personal writing because you don't have any manners? Shouldn't you be talking to your girlfriend over there?" His girlfriend gave him the look, he stopped reading over my shoulder. I think he was hoping that I would change seats so they could sit together. I get places early so I can sit where I want. I don't give up my seat to people who show up at the last minute and think they are entitled. Okay, okay, steps down from soapbox. :)
I went to see a friend and co-worker from my part time job do her stand up. It was part of a stand up competition. My co-worker is 22 years old. It was a great funny night. I felt special too. When I met her mother she said, "I can finally put a face to the name. My daughter talks a lot about you." It was a nice feeling. Sometimes I feel so bogged down in being around people who don't want me there, it's nice to know that some people do value my presence. It was also nice to see her gratitude in having me show up for her. She had so many friends there but she made it a point to tell me that night and again when I saw her at work how grateful she was that I'd take the time to see her perform.
One of the things I did notice from the Author's festival is that I do feel a bit of a surge of energy from being around so many people each day although it varies, I have felt tired as well. I'm thinking that I may become one of those people who goes to a coffee shop to write. Make use of the energy surge of others to my advantage yet not have to talk to anyone.
One of the benefits of following Human Design is that I feel as though it has given me permission to write. The key direction is that a projector focus on their passion, what they love, while they wait for the pertinent invitations. It really feels like the invitation I've always needed. I've spent so much time looking for the right job and being practical about my life and following the conditioning of parents and society that we need to live our lives following certain things. Well that hasn't worked for me anyways. Following my passions feels so much clearer.
It's good to get clarity on not worrying all the time. That feeling that I have to continue on in a certain direction just because. Who knows what my future has in store for me but I'll face each change as it happens instead of being focused on what ifs. I don't know who said it but I'm feeling it, "Do what they ask you to do until you can do what you want to do."
Of course when I go back to work I will have my evaluation. That should prove interesting. Last year he made up a bunch of bogus criticisms that he had to erase from my eval because I shot holes in each one of his criticisms. No doubt there will be more this go round. It seems to be the thing. I keep hoping that he'll find a way to give me three years pay as severance and I can skip my little black ass out of there for good. ha-ha! You never know.
And so it goes. A long weekend left of vacation and back to grind, hopefully maintaining the better state of emotions.
I'm hoping to blog about the man soon from the Human Design lense. I have a lot of notes. He has been a great gift.
I've always loved Astrology. I like to find out what sign a person is. I like to have an idea of what a person might be like, of who I'm relating to. Of course I know that a person is more than simply a Taurus, that the deeper we delve into a person's full chart ,as opposed to simply their Sun sign, the more we can know about a persons possibilities. Some people still think that if you believe in Astrology that you're flaky but more and more people know their signs if you ask them. Some people will tell you their sign but will add the comment, "but I don't believe in it."
I get that.
To me Astrology is like creating a character for a novel. It's a part of figuring out what kind of person Kali is going to turn out to be. What's her personality. How does she view the world. Is she a sensitive Pisces? A witty, glib Gemini? a Passionate Leo?
I actually see that Astrology was a natural interest for me. There was so much confusion growing up. Confusion with people and who was going to be a good person and who would turn to violence to manipulate and who could betray your confidence and the multitude of options that people use to relate. When I meet people they really are characters to me until they become full fledged human beings. I create a profile of them in my thoughts and rule in beliefs about their personalities. Or rule out beliefs.
I think learning more about Astrology over the 30 or so years that I've been interested in it could be called an experiment. I find out what sign a person is and I notice what similarities that person has to other Aquarians I've met. The certain antics I've noticed that all Pisces men pull when they are playing at romantic interest versus the Pisces man who has a genuine interest. A pisces man will flirt, flirt, flirt and then when you show him an interest, when you want him to shit or get off the pot he'll turn around and say he has a girlfriend. But he won't come right out and say that directly. He'll say something like, "I've got this good thing going and I can't mess it up." or "My ex-girlfriend and I hang out together with our daughters. We lie in bed naked and ..." some random thing about their daughters coming into the bedroom and one daughter asks why are you naked and the other daughter knows why. You have to sit with it for awhile, asking yourself, "What does that mean?" before it sinks in. In other words, they have convoluted ways of telling you they are taken.
Anyway It's a long preamble to say that as I read other blogs and websites about The Human Design system that the thing I like the most is that just about everyone talks about it as the experiment. Because really we can only test things out and see if they are true for us or not. So I'm in the experiment. I'm looking back at where I've been invited and trying to understand the depth of invitations.
I've been looking at my full time job for instance. When I applied to work there it wasn't the first job I'd applied for. I had actually applied for a completely different position at another building. I was interviewed by three people at once. A nerve-wracking experience for sure. One of the interviewers was really shy so I'd make eye contact with her whenever I felt nervous. One person I asked the pointed questions to because he talked the most and seemed like the person who would make the ultimate decision. And I'd look at the HR manager for reassurance because she always had a smile on her face. It took them four weeks and they still hadn't made a decision. The HR Manager gave me a call and said, "Listen, they are taking too long to make a decision and I don't want to lose you. I've got another position available. It's a one year contract and it's a foot in the door. Would you be interested in interviewing for that?"
She told me about the job, the requirements, which I had in droves and off I went. When I got the job I called Joyce to thank her for being the smiling face in my original interview. "You really helped me to feel comfortable enough for me to show my best side."
"I just knew you'd be a good fit."
I've been at that job now permanently since 2005 after I worked it twice on two separate contracts for my predecessor's mat-leave. It's been a fun job. It's had its challenges but it's been a fun time. I see as part of the experiment of being invited that I was actually invited to that job. And with all that is said about Projectors and the right invitations and being recognized, I see how that was a great fit.
In the recent few years, everything has changed. None of the original people who hired me are there anymore. There is a whole new batch of people and the realization that I haven't been invited. And every time I attempt to make things happen, if I voice my opinions there is resistance. If I ask for anything there is resistance. In Human Design terms it would be called initiating.
So now what? I'm learning that there is an expiry date on invitations. That just because an invitation is perfect at one time it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to last a lifetime. It's time to get silent and wait for the next invitation. And I'm learning how to be comfortable around people who haven't invited me. That means keeping my mouth shut. Even if I have an idea on how to do things a better way, a more efficient way, a different way. With tests, I've watched how my emails are completely ignored. It was upsetting at first but now I see that I don't have to waste a lot of energy in trying to get my views across on deaf ears. Nor feel jarred by resistance.
As part of the experiment, I keep quiet. I stick to my office and do my job and as Bill Cosby would say, "just wait for my name."
A Projector's theme is bitterness. If I continue to bang my head against the wall, initiate, voice my opinions on deaf ears and meet the resistance, my natural progression would be to devolve into bitterness. I admit, I was going there. But I don't love bitterness. It feels crappy. It's exhausting and I have so many other interests. So I'm experimenting with simply being. And noticing energy.
There's a feeling of being invisible when I'm around people who didn't invite me there. It's interesting. I may start to say something and notice that no one is paying attention to me. I'll smile and say to myself, "You've got the invisibility cloak on." And then I'm happily silent. It's been saving me a whole lot of grief.
I just finished watching an interview of Paulo Coelho by Oprah Winfrey on her Super Soul Sunday.
It amazes me that I haven't read the Alchemist yet. But I will, of course, I have the book.
He has some gems, some words that help me to formulate in my mind, in my heart, what I want out of my life.
It's been a challenging year this 2014 Personal 2 year. It's been challenging because I've been so stubbornly fighting against all that was happening. I didn't want it this way. I didn't want this to be such a solitary year. I am 50 years old now. I wanted this to be a very social year of celebrations and laughter and change. I was caught off guard that my time in Australia was the big social, celebratory, laughter filled opportunity and that was all I was going to get for the entire year. I'm hurt. I want more, I'm not getting it.
I've finally stopped struggling, like you do eventually. It was that silent whisper that's been following me around like the perfect gust of wind at the perfect time. The whisper has been following me and I've been trying to shake it off. I just couldn't, I didn't want to hear it. I'm not prepared in any way for what I know deep down it has to say. And then I saw the message pictured above: I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I'm tired.
I'm tired. And I'm willing to say the whisper out loud. "I don't belong here anymore."
The year would have gone by so much easier if I'd simply paid attention to all the signs the Universe has been giving me since April of this year. Perhaps I could have used the past months to prepare myself. But life happens as it happens.
I had a good cry with a girlfriend on August 8th when I listed off how shitty things have been. That I've learned to avoid the passive aggressive punishments of the boss by practicing what I'd learned as a child. Being seen and not heard. And when I'm really good, not being seen nor heard.
There is so much fear and anger out there. I can't be the sponge for it anymore. I can't guide anyone in my immediate environment to understand that there's another perspective because they don't want to hear it, see it, believe in it.
We all want to place blame because it's easier than facing what we're hiding from ourselves.
I don't belong here anymore and I don't know where I'm supposed to go next. I haven't heard it yet. So I wait.
I've been studying Human Design for the full month since that traumatic Aug 8th full moon. I've got a box full of books I've bought, articles I've printed off various sites. I've subscribed to newsletters and joined Facebook groups. As I narrow my studies down to the proper focus, the order of what's most important to study now and what I can learn later, I feel more and more clarity. My latest messages, silent whispers, have been about retreating and sabbaticals. I'm not clear if I should use my savings and take the rest of the year off or wait until the New Year and see what the new energy is saying. So I wait. I wait. I wait and listen.
This has felt like such a dark time because I was looking at it in the wrong way. It's actually a huge, beautiful beginning in the making. It's just starting to wake up within me. My life is telling me that I have to make the room to allow the good, new changes to come. I have to accept that all I thought was going to happen didn't happen for a good reason. So many people weren't around because they no longer need me or they aren't joining me on the next stages.
Chief Webber to Dr Bailey on Grey's Anatomy (paraphrased) "It's not that they are forgetting you , they are setting you free to go and use this time to do all the magnificent things you have the potential to do"
Tomorrow is the Pisces full moon. Committing to what we intend to change in our lives is a good focus during a full moon. And Pisces is so well-versed in retreating. Me, I'm committing to feeding the Hermit during my retreat.
"I fought the good fight and I didn't lose faith." Paulo Coelho
JOKE
noun
a thing someone says to cause amusement or laughter...
verb
make jokes; talk humorously or flippantly
I have a friend who said to me, “You better watch that you don’t turn into one of those women who lives alone with 30 cats.”
I didn’t laugh.
I called him on it and said, “that was a stupid thing to say. People with 30 cats usually have psychological problems. And in a lot of cases they are hoarders.”
He said, “well you brought it on yourself for saying that you’d prefer to just spend a night a home with your cats after work.”
He didn’t apologize for insulting me. He didn’t get that the point was after work I’m too exhausted by people to want to spend time with people.
What is a joke? I know he was trying to be amusing. And I also know that his behaviour has gone towards snide remarks. Those comments that take pot shots at your way of life, letting you know that in his opinion you’re a loser.
What do we do when a joke falls flat? What ever happened to people understanding that if others don’t laugh, it’s not a good joke?
It’s not that I can’t take jokes but when did it get to a point when the only jokes a person makes are ones that are at my expense? Or someone else’s expense? We’ve all been there. We laugh off the potshots as jokes and walk away with a bad feeling in our stomachs. Those potshots as jokes become these insidious thoughts in our heads that slowly transform into insecurities. (And as an aside, it’s the beginning of the end of a relationship. We don’t stay with people who don’t make us feel good. right?)
I especially take issue with potshot jokes about our bodies. I have a male friend who cracks jokes about his girlfriend’s body. As if women don’t have enough body image issues especially as we age and our body changes in ways we couldn’t expect.
“Yeah they were talking about you baby. They were talking about pears, just like you except you’re a juicy pear.”
She gave him a look before she asked, “what did you say?”
We all knew she wasn’t laughing at his ‘joke.’
He covered it up by clearing his throat and saying he was craving juicy pears.
She shook it off and didn’t push the issue.
In my body of uncomfortable breathing and thoughts, I said nothing, even though I had a lot to say. But the experience has stayed with me.
As a 50 year old peri-menopausal woman, I am ever in touch with how quickly my body has changed. My body flashes hot at the most inconvenient of times. I have a running joke that in Human 2.0, we will be able to program our hot flashes when we need them. Like in the winter when it’s minus 30. Right?
I have never studied my body as much in the mirror as I do now. I study my body’s changes. I study what I deem flaws. I have never checked and re-checked how my body looks in what I’m wearing before I leave the house. “How will others see/judge me? Will they notice this bit of fat, that jiggle. Do my thighs rub together in these pants?”
I think it’s time to start calling people out on their jokes. Because, truly, a joke is supposed to be about everyone’s amusement. I’m no longer going to accept so-called jokes about my life and jokes about my work or work ethic and jokes about my body. I don’t need other peoples garbage in my head. Insults veiled as jokes.
What is a joke? When is a joke not a joke and who gets to decide? Is it a joke or is it a manipulation to get me to lose weight, change my way of life because you don’t approve, or a myriad of other judgements? Aren’t those jokes an undercurrent of unexpressed anger?
Deep down I know there’s nothing wrong with me finding sanctuary in my tiny home with my three cats. After a hard day’s work, that’s what soothes my soul. As does writing and listening to music. These are the activities that my resources currently allow.
Deep down I know there’s nothing wrong with my body. Whether I’m a pear shape, an hour glass, I have large breasts or not.
I’m saying it’s time we become “joke” detectives. It’s time to start asking the questions. What was the purpose of saying that? Oh, it’s a joke? Why would you think that ‘joking’ about my sagging breasts is something to laugh about? Is the fact that my thighs rub together so offensive to you that you have to crack a joke about it? What are you thinking I should change about myself because you think I’m not good enough the way I am? Because I look in the mirror, I already have my list. What are you still mad at me about that is bubbling out as potshot jokes about my so-called flaws?
It may make me come across as crazy and I think I’m willing to be crazy for a time. But the gist of all this is how we feel, how I feel. If it doesn’t make us laugh, make me laugh... If it doesn’t make us feel good, make me feel good, it’s not a joke.
When Harry Met Sally - 1989 Film written by Nora Ephron and directed by Rob Reiner
Harry: You know the first time we met I really didn't like you that much.
Sally: I didn't like you.
Harry: Yeah you did, you were just so uptight then. You're much softer now.
Sally: You know I hate that kind of remark. It sounds like a compliment but really it's an insult.
Harry: OK, you're still as hard as nails.
Sally: I just didn't want to sleep with you and you had to write it off as a character flaw instead of dealing with the possibility that it might have something to do with you.
I’m always reminded that magic happens whenever I look for it. I simply need to look for it. If I put a note on my wall of all the things I need to remember to live a sane and spiritual life I swear my walls would be covered. Needless to say I’m always working on finding that regular focus of wonder, I guess is the best way to put it.
Anyway I attended the final Bloody Words writing conference/ festival a few weekends ago. As I was walking in on the Saturday morning I was kitty corner from a woman cop and her horse. She was standing on the pavement talking to several people who were taking pictures of the horse. The first thing I said, out loud, on the street corner, was “HORSEY!” Yes my inner child is loud and present when it comes to animals.
Then, in my head, I said, “Let me go over there and show this cop what I can do to her horse.” Half joking/ half serious.
I got to them just as she was situating herself back on the horse. I smiled and said Hi and asked her if it was okay if I pat the horse. She said yes. “His name is Timmus.”
I let Timmus smell my hand then I patted him and chatted with him about how beautiful he is and how his eyes were so lovely. Like I do. Then I said to him and the cop, that I would let them go and started to say my good-byes which consists of me repeating like a nut-bar, “Okay good bye, good bye beautiful, goodbye.”
Doesn't Timmus gently press his whole head up against my breasts and stomach and stay that way? I moved my face up against his and we cuddled as I said, “That’s the nicest goodbye ever. I’m so glad that I stopped to meet you.”
The cop looked down at us both in awe. She said, “Wow, He REALLY likes you. He’s never done that before, to anyone!”
I said, “Ahh, he’s just getting a little emotional because he understands how emotional I am.”
“It must be because he’s not emotional in the least. He’s simply not an emotional horse. ”
I smiled and waved my goodbyes to them both and I trotted off with a huge smile on my face.
Last night I had pre-screening passes to see the Jersey Boys movie. I didn't look too hard to find a friend to attend with me. I asked three different friends and they all had plans and I was done looking. I asked myself why I didn't feel like going to the trouble of asking around to find someone who might want to go. I decided to listen to that feeling and go to see the movie on my own. Maybe I’d have a piece of magic.
I had two hours to kill after work and before the movie started so I figured I’d choose a restaurant/ bar close to the theatre and have a glass of wine. I walked up the strip and chose a place that was not busy and sat at the bar.
I wasn't even hungry but ended up ordering their Indonesian chicken wings. Any one who meets up with me at restaurants knows that I have my two go-to favourite meals, chicken wings or bangers & mash. I had bangers & mash in Bermuda and chicken wings in Brisbane, Australia. Ha-ha! Anyway I was sitting at the bar away from the three men who were on the other side of the bar. I’d had a conversation with one of the bartenders about tattoos because she had three. (I promised her I’d go back in September once I got my next half-birthday tattoo to show it to her.) And I had reading material. I was reading Christine Delorey's article “The Lesson Continues Until It Is Learned” (something I firmly believe) and highlighting pieces that mean something to me.
A woman comes in and doesn't she sit right beside me? Not leave an empty chair between us but right beside me. So I think, I wonder what we have to offer each other today. I over hear her ask about the Riesling and Joey tattoo bartender says, “well this lady right here is drinking it.” They both look at me. “What do you think of it?”
I smile and say, “Well it’s my 2nd glass. It’s lovely, not too sweet.”
And I did the weirdest thing EVER! I look at the lady and say, “if it doesn't freak you out you can try a sip of mine.”
I do not know where that came from except maybe I was being a bit of Timmus the Horse to her energy. There was a gentleness in her eyes. You know some people just exude it. So she said, “yes okay, I will take a sip and I promise I don’t have the cooties.”
She ordered a glass of the Riesling based on the sip. It was a tasty Riesling. Ha-ha!
And we cracked jokes about cooties and our conversation was off and running. She asked me what I was working on and I told her about the numerology report. I told her about Christine’s work. I swear in 3 minutes she had typed in three websites in her phone that I recommended including my blog address, which she asked for once I said I am a writer.
We talked about energy and energy vampires. We talked about being sponges to other peoples energy and understanding more and more a need to protect ourselves from it. We talked about social media and how difficult it is to be a kid and have someone post crap about you and the negativity and she likened it to being “common people paparazzi.”
“I know right?,” I said, “You can’t make any mistake in public ever because the first thing people are doing is pulling out their phones to take a picture of you to post.”
That 45 minutes talking to Shauna (Shawna?) flew by like five minutes. Then her dad showed up for them to have dinner before they attended Jersey Boys the movie, as well. We shook hands, said nice to meet you, thanks for the great conversation and she was off with her dad.
I said to Joey the bartender, “Wow I really liked her. I’m so glad she sat beside me”
“Yes it’s funny how that can go when someone sits right beside you when there are so many empty seats. My first thought is always, why beside me when there are so many other places to sit. But if we just open ourselves up we could have a really great experience. I try to remember that when someone sits beside me on public transit when they could have sat in the bunch of empty seats instead”
I agreed with Joey wholeheartedly.
And that’s what I know I am opening myself up to now that I’m getting over most of my friends being engrossed in their own lives and too busy for meet ups. That’s what guided me not to find someone for my extra pre-screening pass. I’m embracing ‘being alone for a reason.’
There’s something that I need to open myself up to that I can only do alone. I’m also testing my energy as a projector. I’m asking the energy, my energy, ‘okay show me who embraces my energy today. Show me who is sending me an invitation.’
And as I walked into the Scotiabank Theatre to watch Jersey Boys a man asked, “Would you happen to have an extra pass for Jersey Boys?”
“Yes as a matter of fact, I do. Here you go. It never hurts to ask eh?’ I smiled at him as he thanked me profusely. Probably because I didn't try to sell it to him. And I was up the escalator to a movie based on a live show that I love that has brought me such great pleasure, memories and friends! I’m super happy Clint Eastwood made it into a movie. I love that he loved the show that much. I loved being able to sit in the theatre with all my sentimentality and be surrounded with so much that I got to love for a few years when the live show was in Toronto. And I love that they incorporated the finale in a way that tips their hats off to the live show. I danced the live show finale everyday at work and when I was an audience member in the live show. I left the theatre giggling like a school girl
EY
I keep wanting to write about fears but I feel like I have a whole long and dragged out story that has to go along with it. And I don't want to discuss the story here. It's too personal.
It's funny how we get so used to running our lives a certain way that we don't realize that there are certain feelings we've learned how to block. Of course they're not really blocked, they just manifest in certain behaviours. Like the survival behaviours.
I've been saying that April was a month of anxiety but that's not entirely true. It was actually a month of discovering that I was in fear mode and what my racket was, how I react when I am in fear mode. I was anxious, no doubt and my breathing was that adrenalized breathing, fast and panicky. I was doing everything to get off that roller coaster of feeling embarrassed for hoping and having the upper hand in the situation. Oh and I assumed I knew what was going on. I knew the story, this is why you are doing this and saying that and well, I have to win at all costs.
So I'm anxious, embarrassed, feeling like I'm being laughed at and thinking that I know the full story. And I'm reacting and I'm not breathing. That's a disaster waiting to happen.
Breathe. Thank God I journal because everything I know about taking care of myself went out the window.
Breathe. I wanted to flee the scene, never to be heard from again.
But I couldn't escape. Holy cow, what kind of a Girlfish am I when I can't swim away from my troubles?
Breathe. All is well in my world.
BREATHE. Oh My God, this feeling is fear. What am I scared of? Shoot, I'm scared of not getting want I want and even worse I'm scared of getting what I want. And this feeling is fear?
I'm so fascinated by what we bring along with us from childhood. There is so much that I've healed and I'm proud of that. I've worked hard. But it surprises me still how deep it goes. And now my work, my healing, my focus gets into feelings. Growing up with violence doesn't allow for feelings. You can't get emotional when the father figure comes home ready to beat up the people who love him. You have to be ready to react. You have to be focused on the sliver of an opportunity. And believe me, it's a sliver.
I was five years old and I was trained to wake up at the first sign of his violence. I was trained to get dressed in the dark and be ready for when my brother or mother would open my bedroom door, turn on the light and say, "Come on , let's go."
It was usually while he was having a pee so truly a sliver of opportunity. I didn't cry. I didn't have emotions. I wasn't a baby. I couldn't afford to be a baby. I was trained.
I've held on to that training for 45 years because that was all I knew.
In an ironic twist, I think I've healed enough and feel safe enough to actually feel. Safe and fear. Safe with fear?
So you're fear? Take a seat and let me get to know you. How do I look at you face to face? Breathe? Breathe.
As I retell the story of April in my mind I constantly tell myself, I was scared. If I'm going to move forward I need to actually know how to identify what I am feeling. I know anger oh so well. Anger and I have walked hand in hand, it's in that invisible knapsack of weapons I carry on my left shoulder. It sits snugly beside the dagger eyes I've been known to use.
Fear. Can't say I like you but I'm sure glad to know that I know you.
I've been working on putting some of this Human Design information into practice to test out how it all pertains to me. And it can't hurt that's for sure.
I'm finding out interesting information about myself. My type of course is a 'Projector' and my strategy for success is to 'wait for an invitation.'
It's ironic that my strategy is to wait for an invitation because I perfected waiting when I was a child simply because I was always told, "you have to wait: Until I say so, until I'm good and ready, until we have the money, until the sisters get comfortable, until until until..." I perfected waiting but I promised myself that when I grew up I wouldn't have to wait for anything anymore. I did some waiting but I didn't always wait and I suppose it has put me in some sticky situations. So now I'm being guided to wait. Impatient one that I've allowed myself to become.
I've gone to church three weeks in a row to pray for patience amongst other things. ha ha! And this past Saturday I woke to an email from a work acquaintance asking me if I would be interested in meeting for a coffee to discuss possibly working together on a business opportunity. The part of the invitation that made my heart swell was that he said that he's always enjoyed working with me at my part time job because I am friendly, fun to chat with and am a hard worker. I met up with him and we discussed this business opportunity and I left with samples of this product. I was really enthusiastic at first.
A few things came up as I thought about that invitation:
I was enthusiatic, as I said, but I questioned why was I enthusiastic? Was it simply because I'm looking for an escape from the same old same old and I think this is my fastest way to escape? Do I really believe I can get rich quick with this? Oh wait do I even like doing this? One of the things that I promised myself about a year or so ago is that I would stop looking for a job and instead I would create a life. Because the job to job and chasing money hasn't worked for me. Yes I get paid well enough, obviously, I went to Australia. But I wasn't going to jump from what I'm in now into the same old shit just for the sake of moving on.
The invitation was so bang on in recognizing me was it clouding my judgement? I have to laugh because as I've been contemplating everything I even said out loud, "No body would ever expect me to sell makeup or skin care products." I don't wear makeup and I wash my face with Johnson's baby wash and Witch Hazel. I don't have an elaborate cleaning regime. So how am I going to 'sell' when everyone who knows me knows I don't give a crap about that stuff? Can you see the winds changing my enthusiasm with a dose of grounded reality?
And Time! How much time will this take away from what I really do love? As I practiced every thing in my mind, I saw that this was more of a committment than I was willing to make. It won't help me to live more of what I want to live, more time to write and travel. It will have me focused on building a salesforce and clients and well, that's not my thing. How would I feel about this, all this time that I would have to commit to something that doesn't make my heart sing? Well we all know the answer to that, right?
And the final big thing about accepting invitations or not, is that desperate fear that no other invitations will be coming so if I say no to this have I shot myself? Can I afford to turn down this invitation when I am so clearly recognized for who I am? I added a little research to back up my decision, just so I knew that even though I didn't feel this was the right invitation for me, that I put in some sort of effort. I mentioned it to a co-worker at my day job and she told me that her friend in Calgary is doing this same thing and she loves it, LOVES it. She has a facebook page and she sends all her friends all sorts of invitations and has parties... "Yeah, no I don't sell to my friends, so that would never be an option for me."
I spoke to my co-worker at my part-time job about it, he frowned and said, "I told you about this, that's what Liz is selling!" Oh shoot I remember that, it's that? Oh shoot! And he left me with his final words of wisdom, "I'm not trying to stomp on your ideas if this is what you want to do but basically 'product name' should be called how to end your friendships." Then he told me to ask my Armenian brother about it, who I was meeting with the next night. My Armenian brother frowned immediately when I asked him. Okay, that's all I need to know. LOL
So it's interesting. It reminds me that what I said in a previous blog entry was to wait for the gold and not jump for the glitter. Monday night when I was hearing about this opportunity I kept asking myself, 'is this the glitter or the gold?'
I'm glad that it will be a week before I meet up with this business opportunity person again although I'm ready now to give an informed no. It was good to take this opportunity to use these techniques that are recommended in the Human Design: Wait for an invitation; allow the emotional wave of my feelings to calm down so I can feel my feelings alongside my intuition and asking people I trust for advice. And of course questioning my motives for considering this as a yes which is my tendency towards escaping. I can say yes to anything just so long as i can escape.
On the day job front I've noticed that since I've stopped volunteering information on deaf ears and wait until I'm asked, that my work life has been calmer and less frustrating.
I bought a reading for a co-worker who was promoted to another building so I'm looking forward to see if the Human Design has as much of a profound affect on her as it is having on me.
I was going to talk about men in this entry but alas this was a long entry. LOL
EY
P.S. I didn't want to mention the business name because it's not about the business it's about the invitation. Plus I don't want to insult anyone who might do this, love this, thrive on this business...
I was going to have a nap on the weekend and had the television turned on to Much More Music, Thank God they play music videos again. I'm lying in bed just about to drop off to snoozeland and I hear this beautiful voice. He made me sit up, put my glasses back on so I could read the TV to find out who he was. So I've been killing Sam Smith's song, Stay with me. I don't hear new music in any big way anymore because I don't have a radio. I don't do the same kind of music research that I did as a kid. If I hear a song I like in a movie, I'll wait for the credits to find out what it's called and who sings it. But that's about it.
I love the melancholy feel to it. I love to sit and listen to a song on repeat for hours sometimes days. Sometimes I'll get to the 4th play of the same song and it will make me cry. I'm re-framing calling myself someone who suffers from depression to me being a melancholy person. One of the gates in my Human Design chart points out that I have high highs and low lows. In one of the reports it says that I shouldn't call my melancholy feelings depression. That I should use those feelings to work on my art. Hmm! What a thought.
Depression means crawling into bed and hiding from the world and possibly medication if my doctor has any say in the matter. Which he never did. But looking at my cycles as melancholy and using that to go deep and be creative. I really like that idea and change of focus.
I got my Numerology personal profile from Christine Delorey that I've begun wading through and it's reminded me of all that work I did going back over my previous personal years and recording certain events.
So yesterday I looked over my previous personal 2 years. I don't have much written for 1987 but 1996 had some interesting tidbits. In 1996 I met my My friend Bee from Australia when he was performing here in Toronto. During that time he said when he went back to Australia to settle that he wanted me to come and visit. And this year in my personal 2 year I went to visit him in his home in Australia. In 1996 I was seeing 'Bryan' who I mentioned in my previous post. It becomes even more ironic that I told that anecdote to my friend and linked it to this current guy now finding out that they are both in my personal 2 year. The lessons that repeat and repeat until we learn them!
In 1996 a relative who never recognized me came to visit me after the death of his wife and fully recognized me. I left working with children (which had been a lifetime dream) because I didn't feel my work was appreciated (from the co-workers and supervisors stand point) and moved into working in the performing arts where I met Bee from Australia. I had some financial problems from that transition and used the Creating Money book (by Sanaya Roman) and ended earning more money than I'd ever prior to that. By the time my mom passed away in 1996 at least my finances were in order because I was rolling into 1997 an emotional mess
In 2005 I left working for the life coach and went back to the Performing arts centre full time. But this time around I didn't speak for the entire month. I wasn't happy being there full-time and I just went to work and did my work but I didn't really participate socially. I met Caroline O'Connor, while I worked there, and she gave me a pep talk to end all pep talks, she inspired me and showed me artistic love. I had been feeling so disheartened by the lack of appreciation for my work and unsure of a direction. The next month, I got back to my current day job, this time permanent full-time after having worked it on contract twice for two maternity leaves.
So it seems part of the focus for me in a 2 year is finances, I made a budget for this new moon.
Bryan type men with the games and manipulations
Leaving places and people where I don't feel appreciated
The book Creating Money
And lifetime dreams.
April Kent talks about the Taurus New Moon Cycle. It was Tuesday April 29th. You still have time to make your new moon goals.
She says, "Pay attention to your feelings and interactions about money, property, your body; they are reminding you of the need to enjoy, reuse, and take care of the things you own....You need to slow down just now and take stock of where you're at"
In April Kent's report she tells you what to initiate : The waxing phases of the Taurus New Moon (up to the full moon) cycle are a good time to launch projects or set intentions related to:
1 - Financial Security
2 - Taking care of what you own and
3 - Enjoying your life more.
I'm happy to see the end of this April let me tell you. It has been EXHAUSTING! I have climbed into bed more times before 8pm then ever. But in the light of the New Moon I'm starting to feel human again and look at the positives in all the shenanigans.
It amazes me how one man can enter my life and truly make me swoon like a teenager and then ruin everything.
That's the problem with games. A man might think that he's got some sense of control or he can prove something to himself with that attitude of I'll show her I like her and then I'll never show up when I say I'm going to. She'll be putty in my hands. Yes the fake bad boy persona works well indeed, on 20 year olds. I think he forgot I am 50.
20 year olds don't always know that that feeling he's giving you isn't excitement, it's anxiety.
20 year olds don't always realize that there has to be action behind those words no matter how nice the words may sound. They do nothing if there is no consistent action to prove the words true.
The problem with games, when you play games with me, is that when I reach that moment where I say out loud to myself, "Oh he's really not interested in me," it's game over. I move into face saving mode, I do one action or I say a comment that makes it clear, "I don't think of you as boyfriend material, you've been set free." And then I expect him to go away. He didn't go away.
Man oh man, my male confidants were telling me to expect him to ask me out because now he's wondering why you're not interested in him and all I kept saying was, "but how do I get rid of him?" You move into this weird limbo of maybe this guy can be a good guy once he realizes that I don't play the games. Or maybe this guy will just give up the posturing and just talk to me like we are two normal humans. Or maybe I don't know, anything but this. Because this person felt so big in my life I felt a little stuck with wondering when things might change for the better. The optimist in me. But as I picked that hypothesis apart in my journal, I finally wrote down "he really felt like he could totally be a good guy if he just got the proper focus and stopped with the games and bullshit. Oh wait, right, if he were ANOTHER person!" ha-ha!
The big thing for me is how to pull myself out of these things without walking away bitter or angry or ready to punch someone in the stomach.
It's interesting though because I was telling an anecdote about an old boyfriend, Bryan. He wanted things from me that I wasn't willing to give him and because he didn't like that my answer was no, he tried every way to beat up my self esteem instead of simply leaving. I kept saying to him, "clearly I'm not the woman for you, why do you keep coming back? Why do you keep calling? Why won't you let me be?"
This similar thing was happening. This new guy would blurt out some inappropriate story that he just had to tell me. That had nothing to do with our pleasant conversation. It was like he was trying to tell me repeatedly that he's not interested in me, when he only had to tell me once. It was like he couldn't stay away from me just like Bryan, like he was courting me or trying to get my attention with insults. It was unsettling.
So I had to finally punch him in the stomach. Not with my fist, of course, but with a comment that essentially said, "if you can't be a likeable guy I can't even talk to you, anymore." Only what I said was harsher and really pinpointed how childish his behaviour is for a man who expects to be looked at treated like he's a man.
I realize that I can often compartmentalize what people do as not affecting me but I'm not willing to do that anymore. I'm not interested in interacting with men I know treat women poorly. Or as my friend James would say, like port-o-potties. I'm over justifying people who say I'm going to do this for you, probably mean it at the time, but never follow through. And it all comes back to the Human Design chart and the readings about half-assed, last minute invitations and half-assed people. It's a waste of my time and energy. I like that in one of my readings it says, "don't waste your time on the glitter, the gold is just around the corner."
When normally at this point I would have given up I've actually said to myself over the last couple days, "I'm waiting for the Gold."
So there we go, I'm waiting for the gold trusting it's on its way.
Now that's a new moon intention if there ever was one!
EY
This is looking to be a very eventful Personal 2 year.
My subjects to focus on seem to be men and siblings. ha-ha! Nothing small for me, ever.
Actually I feel like everything is coming up.
The men thing has been fascinating and as I go through what I go through I find I've moved in to this really calm space and I'm starting to study them. Peculiar creatures men are. The divorced men who feel like they missed out on something and have all this catching up to do and they go into deceptive game playing. The con men who want to see what they can get. The men who have decided they want their forever woman and well, you'll do. It's fascinating out there folks. The Cardinal Cross and the lunar and solar eclipses have been sending me male chaos left, right and centre and up and down. One good change is at least none of the men have been Capricorn! ha-ha If you ever read my blog in past years (which is only 1 person) you know about my Capricorn condition and how I hoped, wished, prayed never to meet another Capricorn interest ever again.
The sibling thing for me has been about the weird jealousies and competition or full support. There's been no in between. I guess a lot of people want to feel like they are not the loser in the room, but we're all losers at some point. Watch the Olympics, not every one walks away with a medal. It can be hard when you realize that some people want you to always be the loser and they get downright pissed off when you're not.
I don't know. Nelson Mandela's death had a big impact on me or maybe it's the realization of his life and his life's work. I keep trying to dive into the concept of being imprisoned for so many years and coming out of it peaceful. What kind of inner work would you have to do? What kind of thoughts would you have to have in order to let go of all of your anger and feelings of victimization and be of peace? I watched a show on CNN or 60 minutes fairly recently about a man who was fasley imprisoned for 25 years for his wife's murder. And in his own Mandela way, the man was very gentle when he spoke and he smiled a lot and he was at peace. Everything he talked about affirmed what I'd journaled about Nelson Mandela. The man said that you remember every conversation you've ever had. Every cross word. Every terrible thing you've ever done and anyone has ever done to you. And you find a way to heal it all because all you have is time. And you realize God in everything. That God is love and love is peace. And this coming from a man who didn't get to see his son grow up but did get to meet his grand daughter.
I've had an idea in my head that isn't fully formulated yet. But I think we all live a 20 to 25 year bit of a prison sentence even if we aren't in a physical prison. I think we all rush to an extent for these things, experiences, something that we think we want because that's how it's done or because I'm not going to do it the way they did it. I think we live imprisoned by expectations and feelings that we've missed out on something and how we get through that period either drives us a little crazy or brings us to peace. I'm working on finding my peace from my 25 years of imprisonment.
I've already lived a lifetime dream in my Personal 2 Year of going to Australia after wanting to go since I was 5 years old. The possibilities for my life are still swirling around in my head since I've returned. I've already said that leaving Toronto is more than a strong possibility and there are so many other questions I am asking myself of the possibilities that I want to realize.
Having the Human Design chart done has made me feel like it has actually set the tone for Act 2 of my life. I'm starting to look back at my relationships with a new light. The times I was invited to share my wisdom. This morning as I walked to work listening to my I-Pod I had the memory that is probably the best depiction of a Projector, for me anyway. It was the day my mother realized that I knew how to find good music in Montreal. I would flip through records at the record store and pull out the ones I thought she should buy. When she did buy what I suggested and played the music she'd look at me like I was a savant. How the heck does this kid know how to find music in Montreal?
If you know anything about Montreal in the 1970's, it wasn't an easy feat to find good black music because there wasn't that much played on the radio stations. They played the famous black singers like Stevie Wonder and Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye but if they weren't big they weren't played.
As a good Projector, waiting to be noticed and invited, I used my time wisely. I read every album cover of every record my mother owned. So I knew who wrote songs, who produced albums, who the musicians were and if I saw enough of the same names on any other album in the record store I would tell my mother to buy it. I had such a good memory for that kind of stuff that even when I moved to Toronto as an adult my mother would call me to ask me "what album is such and such song on." Oh that's on the album where the singer is wearing the purple leather suit. ha-ha!
So yes the stuff about the Human Design probably doesn't make a lot of sense in this blog but all I have to really say is that if you have young children it is wise to get their chart done because it could really make a huge difference in knowing how to treat them, react to them etc. I'm hoping to write more about Human Design as I find out more. I just received Karen Curry's book Understanding Human Design and it looks like it was a good choice from flipping through it.
Oh and I got a reading from Debra Jones. It was a printed document of about 27 pages that takes her about 4 weeks to do. She charges $80 for this document. I'm still wading through it and having a whole set of AHA moments.
Well the best laid plans. I planned on sitting down earlier than this to blog and write but alas the Universe had another idea. I got a little bit of groceries for my lunches for the rest of the week. I love it when the weather is warm enough that I can bring a bunch of little munchies to eat throughout the day. I've got mini carrots, a variety of fruit, potato salad, a boiled egg (boiling eggs in a rice cooker is the best by the way.) I've got pistachios, Havarti, green pepper, snow peas and yogurt. Little bits and pieces of stuff to chomp on. I'll have my banana and almond milk smoothie in the morning before I leave the house to go to work and I'm all set to graze all day. I got my lunch prepared and in my lunch bag in record time.
Then I decide I'll call my tax guy to meet up to get my taxes. I book it over there give him his money and walk away with my taxes. woo hoo! I take a quick look at it, "Holy Cow! I've got to pay a junkload of taxes this year!" I sign it, stuff it in the envelope, lick the envelope and then decide to study my copy. Why do I owe so much taxes? Of course the bulk of my RRSP contribution is missing from the return. So I spend an hour looking for the receipt that I'm positive I'd put in the envelope. I do the same thing every year. I take an envelope, write down the year and dump all of my receipts in it. So I'm positive my tax guy lost it but what am I going to do, blame him?
Then I spend another 30 minutes trying to remember my login and password to get onto the site so I can get a duplicate receipt. It's a good thing I went to church on Sunday. LOL! Anyway I got in, got the duplicate, called my tax guy, booked it back over and now he re-prepares my taxes! And now it's after 8pm.
It's a good thing I've got some good new music. I've been listening to a lot of music since I got back from Australia. One reason is the Two Bees bought me a bluetooth speaker for my Ipod. So that lovely little speaker comes everywhere with me. I even brought it to my part time job on Thursday and played music while my co-worker and I chatted. The other reason is one of the Bees gave me three flashdrives filled with music!
Of course, like a teenager, when I like a song I'll put it on repeat for awhile and dance or learn the words.
I've got so many things I love about music. I love sitting with the one Bee and turning each other on to music. We take turns playing what we're listening to and see if the other one has heard or likes it. Bee and I did that on one of my days in Australia. My childhood best friend in Montreal and I also do that. It makes me smile even as I'm typing this :-D
The one song I've been playing strong (or as I normally say, I've been killing that song) is Ben L'Oncle Soul's, Ain't Off To the Back. I always love a good danceable song. Apparently Ben L'Oncle looks a bit like Uncle Ben, famous for his rice, ha-ha, and that's how he got his name. I don't know why it's taken me this long to look up the words to this song but what a way to make me love the song even more. A danceable song about Rosa Parks what's not to love?
The other song of his that I've been killing is, I Don't wWanna Waste. a nice sweet little groovy love song that I found when I went looking for more of his music.
I hope you like the new to me music.
Get your taxes done and check them twice! And apparently the eclipse isn't over with us, there's more of it on the 29th of April. Woo hoo! If anyone is planning to profess their undying love to me now you'd better have proof! ha-ha. shenanigans.
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I went to church today for the first time in 40 Years.
I'd been thinking about it for a long while. I'd been to this church before for a function and I liked the feel of it. A couple had chatted with me back then and told me that the service was filled more with affirmations and wasn't too churchy. That's why they'd started going. So this morning I was up, I got ready, and I left the house and went to church. It was a good experience and one I think I'll continue for the next little while, at least.
So much has been going on in my life that I'm looking at any way and all ways of grounding my energy and keeping a spiritual focus. I was reminded that it was 3 years ago this past Good Friday that I had my elephant experience at my part time job. I actually talked about it with my co-worker this past Thursday because it was the Thursday before Good Friday when the whole big spiritual experience started then continued into the Friday. I had actually said to my co-worker, "I wonder what my Good Friday gift will be this year."
I realized as I chatted with my co-worker about the shenanigans that had transpired through the week of the full moon eclipse that I was describing me coming into my full power as a woman. Finding it, acknowledging it and accepting it. We talked about the boundaries that I've been setting over the years for myself and what I will accept. We talked about the people who have bashed into those boundaries and how I reacted. I didn't react in anger or with force. Instead I looked at the situation, called it what it was, asked myself what I needed to do to clean things up and flipped the script. It's amusing how off balance every one gets when you flip the script on them.
There's nothing better than that moment in a woman's life when she realizes, "I don't have to wait for you to make a decision. I'm making this decision and I'm moving forward with that."
The full moon eclipse energy was filled with turmoil and chaos and confusion and I weaved my way through it feeling like I was dragging sacks of something heavy behind me but I had no choice but to get through it.
I felt so light hearted on my Good Friday, listening to music, singing like I was giving a concert and thinking about my 3 Bees in Australia and smiling. And I was purging. Yes I'm back to my purging with a renewed energy. I've decided I want to leave Toronto for good. I don't know how long that will take or how I'm going to approach it but like planning for Australia, I just need to focus on one project at a time. Ultimately I'd like to land in Australia.
Of course Toronto will start to be kinder to me now, right(?), now that I've decided it's time to go. I was never supposed to stay here as long as I have. I think what stopped me was that I always thought I'd have a companion to make the move with.
The hardest part about being back from Australia is I'm not able to gloss over what's missing in my life anymore. My friends are so spread out and busy with their lives and families. The 'man' I was supposed to find isn't here. And the question that keeps coming up is, 'if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, do I want to be alone here?' Um, nope. I can be alone somewhere warm.
My skin was so beautiful in Australia. I've never seen myself look that dark in my whole life and I loved it. It's so funny and ironic how we grow up with all these issues about our colour and how lighter skinned relatives receive better treatment than the darker ones and I discover how much more I love looking at myself in the mirror when I'm dark. Dark Dark!
So I went to church today. Because I want major changes in my life and I want to ground myself in all this energy and stay fully present in the realization of my own power as a woman. I wrote in my journal before I left for church this morning, "I know what it's like to live my life not having what I want." Going to church was the beginning of the prayers to help me to live a life having what I want.
It's so funny how life works out sometimes.
On April 1st I was sitting realizing that this was the first year that I hadn't gotten a psychic reading. Every year for I don't know how many years, my girlfriends and I have gone for psychic reading. Usually around my birthday. Of course I was in Australia this year for my birthday.
I was having the little conversation in my head, asking myself if it was too much to ask to have a reading, given all the money I already put out for my Australian birthday. LOL! I decided against the psychic reading and paid instead for a numerology profile from Christine Delorey. I love her work so much and I had actually wanted to buy it in my One Personal Year last year but I was saving up for Australia. It will be a few more weeks before I receive that because Christine does all her work personally, she doesn't use software.
Then I'm reading the newsletter from Astrologer Dawn (Dawn Falbe) and in it she always has some great words of wisdom and ideas on how to deal with the current energies. I read everything in her newsletter except the stuff about The Human Design. Specifically because it was linked to getting a chart and reading done by ReGina Concotelli and I wasn't interested. I always like to highlight any questions that she has in her newsletter and possibilities for my focus. Absolutely every one who wrote about April's energies was saying stuff about big energy, big movement, make your intentions etc. Something kept pulling me back to her section on the Human Design. "I'm not interested, I'm not interested"
I finally googled it to see what I could find on it for free. I was able to get my chart done for free through New Sunware. Through them I found out that my type is a Projector; My Profile is 6/2 Role model/ hermit; my strategy is to wait for the invitation. I googled as much information as I could find on those to find out what the heck it all meant. And well, you know how it goes, I ordered a reading from Regina.
Holy Cow! The things about me that she zeroed in on! She gave me 4 questions to ask, pay attention to. The biggest point for me was/is about me not being recognized for all that I do. It's been a huge issue at work and it was making me madder and madder until I was ready to throw up my hands and just say fuck it! In major life events - accepting jobs/ career , relationships/ partnerships/ friendships, place to live - they only work out when I am invited into them. And I use my intuition and how I feel emotionally to know whether or not it's the right invitation for me. True success is in selecting the right people to have in my life, people who recognize and appreciate me. That bit of information really blew things wide open for me.
Especially when it comes to work. I've felt for years that no matter what I do there is always an excuse as to why that wasn't a big deal. Talk about banging your head against the wall.
It's funny too that one of the things I was telling a friend last year after I'd gone to Bermuda about my girlfriend who lives there was that she is one of the few people who has always "seen" me. She's always appreciated the things that I have to offer as a friend.
In the Human Design Foundation Session that I had with ReGina, I received the chart; a print out of my prime gifts; a 30 minute recorded message of Regina interpreting my chart and a follow up Skype session where Regina answered all the questions I had about my chart and my type and the recording etc. Our Skype session ran just under 45 minutes.
So needless to say I've stopped pushing so hard to be heard at work. Stopped trying to prove that what I have to say is the right course of action, because it falls on deaf ears anyway. My boss never gave me the invitation. And the push, my push was draining me to the extremes. What a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
And men! It's not up to me to pursue. It's for me to wait for the invitation, the right invitation that feels emotionally like I am being recognized and appreciated for who I am. It's fascinating work and it's only scratching the surface.
It's funny because some of the stuff I was slowly starting to learn for myself by huge trial and error, mind you, but this session really gave me food for thought and strategies to test.
Since my session with ReGina, In work meetings I've been quiet and just sit back and listen and observe. I do see the people who do invite my opinions and my knowledge for work I've done for close to 14 years and who listen when I speak. Listen in a way that I know they value what I have to say. And with men, there have been 3 new men in my life lately and I've started to use this and have seen things so clearly and backed out safely before I got entangled in the same old dramas or worse.
Look into getting your free chart done. And if you do go with Regina for an interpretation, the $150 is worth it in the knowledge you receive about yourself, tell her that you learned about her from me Shelley Domingue.
Another thing Regina mentioned was that I am in my Chiron Return. I know I have a couple readers who have or will be turning 50 this year. This period is a time for us to find our authentic selves and design our lives to live authentically in every facet. To heal our old wounds.
Chiron was last in Pisces March 27, 1960 - August 19, 1960
January 21st 1961 - March 31st, 1968
October 19th, 1968 - January 30th, 1969
I got my first passport last year. I've never had a passport before. I've never done any world travelling, although it has always been in the back of my mind. It was just never a consideration for many years, for many reasons. Financial being one of them.
Of course as life would have it, the moment I received my passport my friend who lives in Bermuda told me that she had a friend who was going on vacation for 10 days and needed someone to housesit. Someone who likes cats and I was the first person she thought of. Yes I jumped at the chance to go and it really was a little paradise. Talk about lighting a writer's imagination on fire about moving to an island and writing for the rest of her days. At the very least, I'd like Bermuda to be one of my regular destinations.
The main motivation that got me off my backside and going through the challenges of getting a passport (didn't have a proper birth certificate nor photo id) was my Aussie chum who invited me to come and visit him in Australia. Really it's all the motivation anyone needs. I simply couldn't be the person who passed up this chance. Plus Australia has always been a dream long before I met my buddy. I bought my ticket back in May 2013 and I leave this Wednesday evening.
This morning while I got ready for work in the middle of the shower I exclaimed out loud, "OH MY GOD, I'm going to AUSTRALIA!" ha-ha! Better in the shower than on my walk to work.
At work, I emailed a girlfriend to say that I was so distracted that I kept forgetting what work I was working on. "I'm going to Australia and a Boy called... THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!"
And so there is so much going on in my head and my emotions. I'm trying to learn how to live with happiness. Can you believe that? I realize I'm never shy in anger and I'm used to dealing with the bad things or hard things in life. But the good? How do I move into that reality with comfort and keep it?
It's been an interesting few months because there are these parallel attentions that are so clear cut. There have been the work issues and frustrations, as usual, and there is this good stuff, really good stuff that is happening. It's like I'm skate boarding in traffic and I've got to pick a lane quick. I veer into the lane of frustrations and have to catch myself and remind myself that , "no Shelley, all this other stuff is happening that is wonderful beyond your imagination, put your thoughts back over here and let go of obsessing on that crap."
It's interesting to find this out about myself. I can honestly say that I've worked on getting myself to this current place for at least the last 6 years. And now I'm here and I'm still scared that I could jinx it.
I love Louise Hay's affirmation, "All is well in my world," and I've been saying it as much as possible everyday. I slow my mind down and slow my breath down and remind myself, All is well in my world.
For the first time ever, I feel like my life is making sense. Being at my current job makes sense. Living with my cats and planning my own life with my own beliefs and rituals makes sense. Healing all that I've needed to heal makes sense.
And as always, in keeping with my themes, this year's theme is Love. Actually I BELIEVE it's the theme for this year and beyond.
I love when the writer Nancy Huston talked about people who are single for a fair amount of time, she asked, "where does the love go?"
"It doesn't mean that they don't have any love in their lives or they don't give any love. It's just not seen in the traditional ways."
I love that thought because for all the jokes that people have made about me loving cats or ending up being an old lady living with 30 cats, that's one of the places that I put my love. I love animals. I've loved animals since I was a kid. I will never be embarrassed for loving animals.
I love my friends. I make it as easy as possible for particular friends to say yes to spending time with me. Whether it's taking the subway to their part of the city or going to Australia, that's where I put my love.
I love to write and I've got to find what ways work for me to put my love into my writing. And it may not even have to be being published in the traditional way.
I see the purpose that my job serves, aside from being an arts subsidy (ha-ha!) And there are a lot of aspects that I love about it but if I'm going to be there I've got to commit in different ways. My company has companies around the world. If there was ever a thought of living somewhere else this is the work that could get me there.
And I've met this adorable man. A sweet, gentle guy. And it feels really, really good. And who knows where this is going? And that's an excruciatingly wonderful feeling. You know, the wait is excruciating and the contact makes me grin, right?
And this is my life, that is making sense to me. The wonderful things and people of my choosing and a couple of things (my job and writing) that need to be re-worked. That's life too.
I'm getting to travel and my next big plan to save for is to go to an elephant sanctuary in Thailand to volunteer for a week or more.
So I think I'm becoming conscious of the question I didn't know I'd been asking all along, where do I want to put my love?
