Fears

I keep wanting to write about fears but I feel like I have a whole long and dragged out story that has to go along with it. And I don't want to discuss the story here. It's too personal.

It's funny how we get so used to running our lives a certain way that we don't realize that there are certain feelings we've learned how to block. Of course they're not really blocked, they just manifest in certain behaviours. Like the survival behaviours.

I've been saying that April was a month of anxiety but that's not entirely true. It was actually a month of discovering that I was in fear mode and what my racket was, how I react when I am in fear mode. I was anxious, no doubt and my breathing was that adrenalized breathing, fast and panicky. I was doing everything to get off that roller coaster of feeling embarrassed for hoping and having the upper hand in the situation. Oh and I assumed I knew what was going on. I knew the story, this is why you are doing this and saying that and well, I have to win at all costs.

So I'm anxious, embarrassed, feeling like I'm being laughed at and thinking that I know the full story. And I'm reacting and I'm not breathing. That's a disaster waiting to happen.

Breathe. Thank God I journal because everything I know about taking care of myself went out the window.
Breathe. I wanted to flee the scene, never to be heard from again.
But I couldn't escape. Holy cow, what kind of a Girlfish am I when I can't swim away from my troubles?
Breathe. All is well in my world.
BREATHE. Oh My God, this feeling is fear. What am I scared of? Shoot, I'm scared of not getting want I want and even worse I'm scared of getting what I want. And this feeling is fear?

I'm so fascinated by what we bring along with us from childhood. There is so much that I've healed and I'm proud of that. I've worked hard. But it surprises me still how deep it goes. And now my work, my healing, my focus gets into feelings. Growing up with violence doesn't allow for feelings. You can't get emotional when the father figure comes home ready to beat up the people who love him. You have to be ready to react. You have to be focused on the sliver of an opportunity. And believe me, it's a sliver.

I was five years old and I was trained to wake up at the first sign of his violence. I was trained to get dressed in the dark and be ready for when my brother or mother would open my bedroom door, turn on the light and say, "Come on , let's go."
It was usually while he was having a pee so truly a sliver of opportunity. I didn't cry. I didn't have emotions. I wasn't a baby. I couldn't afford to be a baby. I was trained.

I've held on to that training for 45 years because that was all I knew.
In an ironic twist, I think I've healed enough and feel safe enough to actually feel. Safe and fear. Safe with fear?

So you're fear? Take a seat and let me get to know you. How do I look at you face to face? Breathe? Breathe.

As I retell the story of April in my mind I constantly tell myself, I was scared. If I'm going to move forward I need to actually know how to identify what I am feeling. I know anger oh so well. Anger and I have walked hand in hand, it's in that invisible knapsack of weapons I carry on my left shoulder. It sits snugly beside the dagger eyes I've been known to use.

Fear. Can't say I like you but I'm sure glad to know that I know you.

EY

Invitations

Thursday 8May14 6:16pm

I've been working on putting some of this Human Design information into practice to test out how it all pertains to me. And it can't hurt that's for sure.

I'm finding out interesting information about myself. My type of course is a 'Projector' and my strategy for success is to 'wait for an invitation.'

It's ironic that my strategy is to wait for an invitation because I perfected waiting when I was a child simply because I was always told, "you have to wait: Until I say so, until I'm good and ready, until we have the money, until the sisters get comfortable, until until until..." I perfected waiting but I promised myself that when I grew up I wouldn't have to wait for anything anymore. I did some waiting but I didn't always wait and I suppose it has put me in some sticky situations. So now I'm being guided to wait. Impatient one that I've allowed myself to become.

I've gone to church three weeks in a row to pray for patience amongst other things. ha ha! And this past Saturday I woke to an email from a work acquaintance asking me if I would be interested in meeting for a coffee to discuss possibly working together on a business opportunity. The part of the invitation that made my heart swell was that he said that he's always enjoyed working with me at my part time job because I am friendly, fun to chat with and am a hard worker. I met up with him and we discussed this business opportunity and I left with samples of this product. I was really enthusiastic at first.

A few things came up as I thought about that invitation:
I was enthusiatic, as I said, but I questioned why was I enthusiastic? Was it simply because I'm looking for an escape from the same old same old and I think this is my fastest way to escape? Do I really believe I can get rich quick with this? Oh wait do I even like doing this? One of the things that I promised myself about a year or so ago is that I would stop looking for a job and instead I would create a life. Because the job to job and chasing money hasn't worked for me. Yes I get paid well enough, obviously, I went to Australia. But I wasn't going to jump from what I'm in now into the same old shit just for the sake of moving on.

The invitation was so bang on in recognizing me was it clouding my judgement? I have to laugh because as I've been contemplating everything I even said out loud, "No body would ever expect me to sell makeup or skin care products." I don't wear makeup and I wash my face with Johnson's baby wash and Witch Hazel. I don't have an elaborate cleaning regime. So how am I going to 'sell' when everyone who knows me knows I don't give a crap about that stuff? Can you see the winds changing my enthusiasm with a dose of grounded reality?

And Time! How much time will this take away from what I really do love? As I practiced every thing in my mind, I saw that this was more of a committment than I was willing to make. It won't help me to live more of what I want to live, more time to write and travel. It will have me focused on building a salesforce and clients and well, that's not my thing. How would I feel about this, all this time that I would have to commit to something that doesn't make my heart sing? Well we all know the answer to that, right?

And the final big thing about accepting invitations or not, is that desperate fear that no other invitations will be coming so if I say no to this have I shot myself? Can I afford to turn down this invitation when I am so clearly recognized for who I am? I added a little research to back up my decision, just so I knew that even though I didn't feel this was the right invitation for me, that I put in some sort of effort. I mentioned it to a co-worker at my day job and she told me that her friend in Calgary is doing this same thing and she loves it, LOVES it. She has a facebook page and she sends all her friends all sorts of invitations and has parties... "Yeah, no I don't sell to my friends, so that would never be an option for me."

I spoke to my co-worker at my part-time job about it, he frowned and said, "I told you about this, that's what Liz is selling!" Oh shoot I remember that, it's that? Oh shoot! And he left me with his final words of wisdom, "I'm not trying to stomp on your ideas if this is what you want to do but basically 'product name' should be called how to end your friendships." Then he told me to ask my Armenian brother about it, who I was meeting with the next night. My Armenian brother frowned immediately when I asked him. Okay, that's all I need to know. LOL

So it's interesting. It reminds me that what I said in a previous blog entry was to wait for the gold and not jump for the glitter. Monday night when I was hearing about this opportunity I kept asking myself, 'is this the glitter or the gold?'

I'm glad that it will be a week before I meet up with this business opportunity person again although I'm ready now to give an informed no. It was good to take this opportunity to use these techniques that are recommended in the Human Design: Wait for an invitation; allow the emotional wave of my feelings to calm down so I can feel my feelings alongside my intuition and asking people I trust for advice. And of course questioning my motives for considering this as a yes which is my tendency towards escaping. I can say yes to anything just so long as i can escape.

On the day job front I've noticed that since I've stopped volunteering information on deaf ears and wait until I'm asked, that my work life has been calmer and less frustrating.

I bought a reading for a co-worker who was promoted to another building so I'm looking forward to see if the Human Design has as much of a profound affect on her as it is having on me.

I was going to talk about men in this entry but alas this was a long entry. LOL

EY

P.S. I didn't want to mention the business name because it's not about the business it's about the invitation. Plus I don't want to insult anyone who might do this, love this, thrive on this business...

Personal 2 Years past; The New Moon and Human Design

Wednesday 8:05pm 30April14

I was going to have a nap on the weekend and had the television turned on to Much More Music, Thank God they play music videos again. I'm lying in bed just about to drop off to snoozeland and I hear this beautiful voice. He made me sit up, put my glasses back on so I could read the TV to find out who he was. So I've been killing Sam Smith's song, Stay with me. I don't hear new music in any big way anymore because I don't have a radio. I don't do the same kind of music research that I did as a kid. If I hear a song I like in a movie, I'll wait for the credits to find out what it's called and who sings it. But that's about it.

I love the melancholy feel to it. I love to sit and listen to a song on repeat for hours sometimes days. Sometimes I'll get to the 4th play of the same song and it will make me cry. I'm re-framing calling myself someone who suffers from depression to me being a melancholy person. One of the gates in my Human Design chart points out that I have high highs and low lows. In one of the reports it says that I shouldn't call my melancholy feelings depression. That I should use those feelings to work on my art. Hmm! What a thought.

Depression means crawling into bed and hiding from the world and possibly medication if my doctor has any say in the matter. Which he never did. But looking at my cycles as melancholy and using that to go deep and be creative. I really like that idea and change of focus.

I got my Numerology personal profile from Christine Delorey that I've begun wading through and it's reminded me of all that work I did going back over my previous personal years and recording certain events.

So yesterday I looked over my previous personal 2 years. I don't have much written for 1987 but 1996 had some interesting tidbits. In 1996 I met my My friend Bee from Australia when he was performing here in Toronto. During that time he said when he went back to Australia to settle that he wanted me to come and visit. And this year in my personal 2 year I went to visit him in his home in Australia. In 1996 I was seeing 'Bryan' who I mentioned in my previous post. It becomes even more ironic that I told that anecdote to my friend and linked it to this current guy now finding out that they are both in my personal 2 year. The lessons that repeat and repeat until we learn them!

In 1996 a relative who never recognized me came to visit me after the death of his wife and fully recognized me. I left working with children (which had been a lifetime dream) because I didn't feel my work was appreciated (from the co-workers and supervisors stand point) and moved into working in the performing arts where I met Bee from Australia. I had some financial problems from that transition and used the Creating Money book (by Sanaya Roman) and ended earning more money than I'd ever prior to that. By the time my mom passed away in 1996 at least my finances were in order because I was rolling into 1997 an emotional mess

In 2005 I left working for the life coach and went back to the Performing arts centre full time. But this time around I didn't speak for the entire month. I wasn't happy being there full-time and I just went to work and did my work but I didn't really participate socially. I met Caroline O'Connor, while I worked there, and she gave me a pep talk to end all pep talks, she inspired me and showed me artistic love. I had been feeling so disheartened by the lack of appreciation for my work and unsure of a direction. The next month, I got back to my current day job, this time permanent full-time after having worked it on contract twice for two maternity leaves.

So it seems part of the focus for me in a 2 year is finances, I made a budget for this new moon.
Bryan type men with the games and manipulations
Leaving places and people where I don't feel appreciated
The book Creating Money
And lifetime dreams.

April Kent talks about the Taurus New Moon Cycle. It was Tuesday April 29th. You still have time to make your new moon goals.

She says, "Pay attention to your feelings and interactions about money, property, your body; they are reminding you of the need to enjoy, reuse, and take care of the things you own....You need to slow down just now and take stock of where you're at"

In April Kent's report she tells you what to initiate : The waxing phases of the Taurus New Moon (up to the full moon) cycle are a good time to launch projects or set intentions related to:
1 - Financial Security
2 - Taking care of what you own and
3 - Enjoying your life more.

Happy New Moon!

EY

What's Good About This?

Wednesday 6:42pm 30April14

I'm happy to see the end of this April let me tell you. It has been EXHAUSTING! I have climbed into bed more times before 8pm then ever. But in the light of the New Moon I'm starting to feel human again and look at the positives in all the shenanigans.

It amazes me how one man can enter my life and truly make me swoon like a teenager and then ruin everything.
That's the problem with games. A man might think that he's got some sense of control or he can prove something to himself with that attitude of I'll show her I like her and then I'll never show up when I say I'm going to. She'll be putty in my hands. Yes the fake bad boy persona works well indeed, on 20 year olds. I think he forgot I am 50.

20 year olds don't always know that that feeling he's giving you isn't excitement, it's anxiety.
20 year olds don't always realize that there has to be action behind those words no matter how nice the words may sound. They do nothing if there is no consistent action to prove the words true.

The problem with games, when you play games with me, is that when I reach that moment where I say out loud to myself, "Oh he's really not interested in me," it's game over. I move into face saving mode, I do one action or I say a comment that makes it clear, "I don't think of you as boyfriend material, you've been set free." And then I expect him to go away. He didn't go away.

Man oh man, my male confidants were telling me to expect him to ask me out because now he's wondering why you're not interested in him and all I kept saying was, "but how do I get rid of him?" You move into this weird limbo of maybe this guy can be a good guy once he realizes that I don't play the games. Or maybe this guy will just give up the posturing and just talk to me like we are two normal humans. Or maybe I don't know, anything but this. Because this person felt so big in my life I felt a little stuck with wondering when things might change for the better. The optimist in me. But as I picked that hypothesis apart in my journal, I finally wrote down "he really felt like he could totally be a good guy if he just got the proper focus and stopped with the games and bullshit. Oh wait, right, if he were ANOTHER person!" ha-ha!

The big thing for me is how to pull myself out of these things without walking away bitter or angry or ready to punch someone in the stomach.

It's interesting though because I was telling an anecdote about an old boyfriend, Bryan. He wanted things from me that I wasn't willing to give him and because he didn't like that my answer was no, he tried every way to beat up my self esteem instead of simply leaving. I kept saying to him, "clearly I'm not the woman for you, why do you keep coming back? Why do you keep calling? Why won't you let me be?"

This similar thing was happening. This new guy would blurt out some inappropriate story that he just had to tell me. That had nothing to do with our pleasant conversation. It was like he was trying to tell me repeatedly that he's not interested in me, when he only had to tell me once. It was like he couldn't stay away from me just like Bryan, like he was courting me or trying to get my attention with insults. It was unsettling.

So I had to finally punch him in the stomach. Not with my fist, of course, but with a comment that essentially said, "if you can't be a likeable guy I can't even talk to you, anymore." Only what I said was harsher and really pinpointed how childish his behaviour is for a man who expects to be looked at treated like he's a man.

I realize that I can often compartmentalize what people do as not affecting me but I'm not willing to do that anymore. I'm not interested in interacting with men I know treat women poorly. Or as my friend James would say, like port-o-potties. I'm over justifying people who say I'm going to do this for you, probably mean it at the time, but never follow through. And it all comes back to the Human Design chart and the readings about half-assed, last minute invitations and half-assed people. It's a waste of my time and energy. I like that in one of my readings it says, "don't waste your time on the glitter, the gold is just around the corner."

When normally at this point I would have given up I've actually said to myself over the last couple days, "I'm waiting for the Gold."

So there we go, I'm waiting for the gold trusting it's on its way.

Now that's a new moon intention if there ever was one!
EY

Personal 2 Year and the Cardinal Cross

Thursday 24April14 5:13pm

This is looking to be a very eventful Personal 2 year.
My subjects to focus on seem to be men and siblings. ha-ha! Nothing small for me, ever.
Actually I feel like everything is coming up.

The men thing has been fascinating and as I go through what I go through I find I've moved in to this really calm space and I'm starting to study them. Peculiar creatures men are. The divorced men who feel like they missed out on something and have all this catching up to do and they go into deceptive game playing. The con men who want to see what they can get. The men who have decided they want their forever woman and well, you'll do. It's fascinating out there folks. The Cardinal Cross and the lunar and solar eclipses have been sending me male chaos left, right and centre and up and down. One good change is at least none of the men have been Capricorn! ha-ha If you ever read my blog in past years (which is only 1 person) you know about my Capricorn condition and how I hoped, wished, prayed never to meet another Capricorn interest ever again.

The sibling thing for me has been about the weird jealousies and competition or full support. There's been no in between. I guess a lot of people want to feel like they are not the loser in the room, but we're all losers at some point. Watch the Olympics, not every one walks away with a medal. It can be hard when you realize that some people want you to always be the loser and they get downright pissed off when you're not.

I don't know. Nelson Mandela's death had a big impact on me or maybe it's the realization of his life and his life's work. I keep trying to dive into the concept of being imprisoned for so many years and coming out of it peaceful. What kind of inner work would you have to do? What kind of thoughts would you have to have in order to let go of all of your anger and feelings of victimization and be of peace? I watched a show on CNN or 60 minutes fairly recently about a man who was fasley imprisoned for 25 years for his wife's murder. And in his own Mandela way, the man was very gentle when he spoke and he smiled a lot and he was at peace. Everything he talked about affirmed what I'd journaled about Nelson Mandela. The man said that you remember every conversation you've ever had. Every cross word. Every terrible thing you've ever done and anyone has ever done to you. And you find a way to heal it all because all you have is time. And you realize God in everything. That God is love and love is peace. And this coming from a man who didn't get to see his son grow up but did get to meet his grand daughter.

I've had an idea in my head that isn't fully formulated yet. But I think we all live a 20 to 25 year bit of a prison sentence even if we aren't in a physical prison. I think we all rush to an extent for these things, experiences, something that we think we want because that's how it's done or because I'm not going to do it the way they did it. I think we live imprisoned by expectations and feelings that we've missed out on something and how we get through that period either drives us a little crazy or brings us to peace. I'm working on finding my peace from my 25 years of imprisonment.

I've already lived a lifetime dream in my Personal 2 Year of going to Australia after wanting to go since I was 5 years old. The possibilities for my life are still swirling around in my head since I've returned. I've already said that leaving Toronto is more than a strong possibility and there are so many other questions I am asking myself of the possibilities that I want to realize.

Having the Human Design chart done has made me feel like it has actually set the tone for Act 2 of my life. I'm starting to look back at my relationships with a new light. The times I was invited to share my wisdom. This morning as I walked to work listening to my I-Pod I had the memory that is probably the best depiction of a Projector, for me anyway. It was the day my mother realized that I knew how to find good music in Montreal. I would flip through records at the record store and pull out the ones I thought she should buy. When she did buy what I suggested and played the music she'd look at me like I was a savant. How the heck does this kid know how to find music in Montreal?
If you know anything about Montreal in the 1970's, it wasn't an easy feat to find good black music because there wasn't that much played on the radio stations. They played the famous black singers like Stevie Wonder and Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye but if they weren't big they weren't played.

As a good Projector, waiting to be noticed and invited, I used my time wisely. I read every album cover of every record my mother owned. So I knew who wrote songs, who produced albums, who the musicians were and if I saw enough of the same names on any other album in the record store I would tell my mother to buy it. I had such a good memory for that kind of stuff that even when I moved to Toronto as an adult my mother would call me to ask me "what album is such and such song on." Oh that's on the album where the singer is wearing the purple leather suit. ha-ha!

So yes the stuff about the Human Design probably doesn't make a lot of sense in this blog but all I have to really say is that if you have young children it is wise to get their chart done because it could really make a huge difference in knowing how to treat them, react to them etc. I'm hoping to write more about Human Design as I find out more. I just received Karen Curry's book Understanding Human Design and it looks like it was a good choice from flipping through it.

Oh and I got a reading from Debra Jones. It was a printed document of about 27 pages that takes her about 4 weeks to do. She charges $80 for this document. I'm still wading through it and having a whole set of AHA moments.

EY

Shenanigans and New Music (new to me)

Monday 21April14 8:19pm

Well the best laid plans. I planned on sitting down earlier than this to blog and write but alas the Universe had another idea. I got a little bit of groceries for my lunches for the rest of the week. I love it when the weather is warm enough that I can bring a bunch of little munchies to eat throughout the day. I've got mini carrots, a variety of fruit, potato salad, a boiled egg (boiling eggs in a rice cooker is the best by the way.) I've got pistachios, Havarti, green pepper, snow peas and yogurt. Little bits and pieces of stuff to chomp on. I'll have my banana and almond milk smoothie in the morning before I leave the house to go to work and I'm all set to graze all day. I got my lunch prepared and in my lunch bag in record time.

Then I decide I'll call my tax guy to meet up to get my taxes. I book it over there give him his money and walk away with my taxes. woo hoo! I take a quick look at it, "Holy Cow! I've got to pay a junkload of taxes this year!" I sign it, stuff it in the envelope, lick the envelope and then decide to study my copy. Why do I owe so much taxes? Of course the bulk of my RRSP contribution is missing from the return. So I spend an hour looking for the receipt that I'm positive I'd put in the envelope. I do the same thing every year. I take an envelope, write down the year and dump all of my receipts in it. So I'm positive my tax guy lost it but what am I going to do, blame him?

Then I spend another 30 minutes trying to remember my login and password to get onto the site so I can get a duplicate receipt. It's a good thing I went to church on Sunday. LOL! Anyway I got in, got the duplicate, called my tax guy, booked it back over and now he re-prepares my taxes! And now it's after 8pm.

It's a good thing I've got some good new music. I've been listening to a lot of music since I got back from Australia. One reason is the Two Bees bought me a bluetooth speaker for my Ipod. So that lovely little speaker comes everywhere with me. I even brought it to my part time job on Thursday and played music while my co-worker and I chatted. The other reason is one of the Bees gave me three flashdrives filled with music!

Of course, like a teenager, when I like a song I'll put it on repeat for awhile and dance or learn the words.
I've got so many things I love about music. I love sitting with the one Bee and turning each other on to music. We take turns playing what we're listening to and see if the other one has heard or likes it. Bee and I did that on one of my days in Australia. My childhood best friend in Montreal and I also do that. It makes me smile even as I'm typing this :-D

The one song I've been playing strong (or as I normally say, I've been killing that song) is Ben L'Oncle Soul's, Ain't Off To the Back. I always love a good danceable song. Apparently Ben L'Oncle looks a bit like Uncle Ben, famous for his rice, ha-ha, and that's how he got his name. I don't know why it's taken me this long to look up the words to this song but what a way to make me love the song even more. A danceable song about Rosa Parks what's not to love?

The other song of his that I've been killing is, I Don't wWanna Waste. a nice sweet little groovy love song that I found when I went looking for more of his music.
I hope you like the new to me music.

Get your taxes done and check them twice! And apparently the eclipse isn't over with us, there's more of it on the 29th of April. Woo hoo! If anyone is planning to profess their undying love to me now you'd better have proof! ha-ha. shenanigans.
EY

I Went to Church Today

Sunday 20April14 1:48pm

I went to church today for the first time in 40 Years.
I'd been thinking about it for a long while. I'd been to this church before for a function and I liked the feel of it. A couple had chatted with me back then and told me that the service was filled more with affirmations and wasn't too churchy. That's why they'd started going. So this morning I was up, I got ready, and I left the house and went to church. It was a good experience and one I think I'll continue for the next little while, at least.

So much has been going on in my life that I'm looking at any way and all ways of grounding my energy and keeping a spiritual focus. I was reminded that it was 3 years ago this past Good Friday that I had my elephant experience at my part time job. I actually talked about it with my co-worker this past Thursday because it was the Thursday before Good Friday when the whole big spiritual experience started then continued into the Friday. I had actually said to my co-worker, "I wonder what my Good Friday gift will be this year."

I realized as I chatted with my co-worker about the shenanigans that had transpired through the week of the full moon eclipse that I was describing me coming into my full power as a woman. Finding it, acknowledging it and accepting it. We talked about the boundaries that I've been setting over the years for myself and what I will accept. We talked about the people who have bashed into those boundaries and how I reacted. I didn't react in anger or with force. Instead I looked at the situation, called it what it was, asked myself what I needed to do to clean things up and flipped the script. It's amusing how off balance every one gets when you flip the script on them.

There's nothing better than that moment in a woman's life when she realizes, "I don't have to wait for you to make a decision. I'm making this decision and I'm moving forward with that."
The full moon eclipse energy was filled with turmoil and chaos and confusion and I weaved my way through it feeling like I was dragging sacks of something heavy behind me but I had no choice but to get through it.

I felt so light hearted on my Good Friday, listening to music, singing like I was giving a concert and thinking about my 3 Bees in Australia and smiling. And I was purging. Yes I'm back to my purging with a renewed energy. I've decided I want to leave Toronto for good. I don't know how long that will take or how I'm going to approach it but like planning for Australia, I just need to focus on one project at a time. Ultimately I'd like to land in Australia.

Of course Toronto will start to be kinder to me now, right(?), now that I've decided it's time to go. I was never supposed to stay here as long as I have. I think what stopped me was that I always thought I'd have a companion to make the move with.

The hardest part about being back from Australia is I'm not able to gloss over what's missing in my life anymore. My friends are so spread out and busy with their lives and families. The 'man' I was supposed to find isn't here. And the question that keeps coming up is, 'if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, do I want to be alone here?' Um, nope. I can be alone somewhere warm.

My skin was so beautiful in Australia. I've never seen myself look that dark in my whole life and I loved it. It's so funny and ironic how we grow up with all these issues about our colour and how lighter skinned relatives receive better treatment than the darker ones and I discover how much more I love looking at myself in the mirror when I'm dark. Dark Dark!

So I went to church today. Because I want major changes in my life and I want to ground myself in all this energy and stay fully present in the realization of my own power as a woman. I wrote in my journal before I left for church this morning, "I know what it's like to live my life not having what I want." Going to church was the beginning of the prayers to help me to live a life having what I want.

EY

The Human Design

Monday 14April4



It's so funny how life works out sometimes.
On April 1st I was sitting realizing that this was the first year that I hadn't gotten a psychic reading. Every year for I don't know how many years, my girlfriends and I have gone for psychic reading. Usually around my birthday. Of course I was in Australia this year for my birthday.

I was having the little conversation in my head, asking myself if it was too much to ask to have a reading, given all the money I already put out for my Australian birthday. LOL! I decided against the psychic reading and paid instead for a numerology profile from Christine Delorey. I love her work so much and I had actually wanted to buy it in my One Personal Year last year but I was saving up for Australia. It will be a few more weeks before I receive that because Christine does all her work personally, she doesn't use software.

Then I'm reading the newsletter from Astrologer Dawn (Dawn Falbe) and in it she always has some great words of wisdom and ideas on how to deal with the current energies. I read everything in her newsletter except the stuff about The Human Design. Specifically because it was linked to getting a chart and reading done by ReGina Concotelli and I wasn't interested. I always like to highlight any questions that she has in her newsletter and possibilities for my focus. Absolutely every one who wrote about April's energies was saying stuff about big energy, big movement, make your intentions etc. Something kept pulling me back to her section on the Human Design. "I'm not interested, I'm not interested"

I finally googled it to see what I could find on it for free. I was able to get my chart done for free through New Sunware. Through them I found out that my type is a Projector; My Profile is 6/2 Role model/ hermit; my strategy is to wait for the invitation. I googled as much information as I could find on those to find out what the heck it all meant. And well, you know how it goes, I ordered a reading from Regina.


Holy Cow! The things about me that she zeroed in on! She gave me 4 questions to ask, pay attention to. The biggest point for me was/is about me not being recognized for all that I do. It's been a huge issue at work and it was making me madder and madder until I was ready to throw up my hands and just say fuck it! In major life events - accepting jobs/ career , relationships/ partnerships/ friendships, place to live - they only work out when I am invited into them. And I use my intuition and how I feel emotionally to know whether or not it's the right invitation for me. True success is in selecting the right people to have in my life, people who recognize and appreciate me. That bit of information really blew things wide open for me.

Especially when it comes to work. I've felt for years that no matter what I do there is always an excuse as to why that wasn't a big deal. Talk about banging your head against the wall.
It's funny too that one of the things I was telling a friend last year after I'd gone to Bermuda about my girlfriend who lives there was that she is one of the few people who has always "seen" me. She's always appreciated the things that I have to offer as a friend.

In the Human Design Foundation Session that I had with ReGina, I received the chart; a print out of my prime gifts; a 30 minute recorded message of Regina interpreting my chart and a follow up Skype session where Regina answered all the questions I had about my chart and my type and the recording etc. Our Skype session ran just under 45 minutes.

So needless to say I've stopped pushing so hard to be heard at work. Stopped trying to prove that what I have to say is the right course of action, because it falls on deaf ears anyway. My boss never gave me the invitation. And the push, my push was draining me to the extremes. What a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

And men! It's not up to me to pursue. It's for me to wait for the invitation, the right invitation that feels emotionally like I am being recognized and appreciated for who I am. It's fascinating work and it's only scratching the surface.

It's funny because some of the stuff I was slowly starting to learn for myself by huge trial and error, mind you, but this session really gave me food for thought and strategies to test.

Since my session with ReGina, In work meetings I've been quiet and just sit back and listen and observe. I do see the people who do invite my opinions and my knowledge for work I've done for close to 14 years and who listen when I speak. Listen in a way that I know they value what I have to say. And with men, there have been 3 new men in my life lately and I've started to use this and have seen things so clearly and backed out safely before I got entangled in the same old dramas or worse.

Look into getting your free chart done. And if you do go with Regina for an interpretation, the $150 is worth it in the knowledge you receive about yourself, tell her that you learned about her from me Shelley Domingue.

Regina's Align Your Design web site

Another thing Regina mentioned was that I am in my Chiron Return. I know I have a couple readers who have or will be turning 50 this year. This period is a time for us to find our authentic selves and design our lives to live authentically in every facet. To heal our old wounds.
Chiron was last in Pisces March 27, 1960 - August 19, 1960
January 21st 1961 - March 31st, 1968
October 19th, 1968 - January 30th, 1969

EY

Dreams Coming True

I got my first passport last year. I've never had a passport before. I've never done any world travelling, although it has always been in the back of my mind. It was just never a consideration for many years, for many reasons. Financial being one of them.

Of course as life would have it, the moment I received my passport my friend who lives in Bermuda told me that she had a friend who was going on vacation for 10 days and needed someone to housesit. Someone who likes cats and I was the first person she thought of. Yes I jumped at the chance to go and it really was a little paradise. Talk about lighting a writer's imagination on fire about moving to an island and writing for the rest of her days. At the very least, I'd like Bermuda to be one of my regular destinations.

The main motivation that got me off my backside and going through the challenges of getting a passport (didn't have a proper birth certificate nor photo id) was my Aussie chum who invited me to come and visit him in Australia. Really it's all the motivation anyone needs. I simply couldn't be the person who passed up this chance. Plus Australia has always been a dream long before I met my buddy. I bought my ticket back in May 2013 and I leave this Wednesday evening.

This morning while I got ready for work in the middle of the shower I exclaimed out loud, "OH MY GOD, I'm going to AUSTRALIA!" ha-ha! Better in the shower than on my walk to work.

At work, I emailed a girlfriend to say that I was so distracted that I kept forgetting what work I was working on. "I'm going to Australia and a Boy called... THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!"

And so there is so much going on in my head and my emotions. I'm trying to learn how to live with happiness. Can you believe that? I realize I'm never shy in anger and I'm used to dealing with the bad things or hard things in life. But the good? How do I move into that reality with comfort and keep it?

It's been an interesting few months because there are these parallel attentions that are so clear cut. There have been the work issues and frustrations, as usual, and there is this good stuff, really good stuff that is happening. It's like I'm skate boarding in traffic and I've got to pick a lane quick. I veer into the lane of frustrations and have to catch myself and remind myself that , "no Shelley, all this other stuff is happening that is wonderful beyond your imagination, put your thoughts back over here and let go of obsessing on that crap."

It's interesting to find this out about myself. I can honestly say that I've worked on getting myself to this current place for at least the last 6 years. And now I'm here and I'm still scared that I could jinx it.

I love Louise Hay's affirmation, "All is well in my world," and I've been saying it as much as possible everyday. I slow my mind down and slow my breath down and remind myself, All is well in my world.

For the first time ever, I feel like my life is making sense. Being at my current job makes sense. Living with my cats and planning my own life with my own beliefs and rituals makes sense. Healing all that I've needed to heal makes sense.

And as always, in keeping with my themes, this year's theme is Love. Actually I BELIEVE it's the theme for this year and beyond.

I love when the writer Nancy Huston talked about people who are single for a fair amount of time, she asked, "where does the love go?"
"It doesn't mean that they don't have any love in their lives or they don't give any love. It's just not seen in the traditional ways."

I love that thought because for all the jokes that people have made about me loving cats or ending up being an old lady living with 30 cats, that's one of the places that I put my love. I love animals. I've loved animals since I was a kid. I will never be embarrassed for loving animals.

I love my friends. I make it as easy as possible for particular friends to say yes to spending time with me. Whether it's taking the subway to their part of the city or going to Australia, that's where I put my love.

I love to write and I've got to find what ways work for me to put my love into my writing. And it may not even have to be being published in the traditional way.

I see the purpose that my job serves, aside from being an arts subsidy (ha-ha!) And there are a lot of aspects that I love about it but if I'm going to be there I've got to commit in different ways. My company has companies around the world. If there was ever a thought of living somewhere else this is the work that could get me there.

And I've met this adorable man. A sweet, gentle guy. And it feels really, really good. And who knows where this is going? And that's an excruciatingly wonderful feeling. You know, the wait is excruciating and the contact makes me grin, right?

And this is my life, that is making sense to me. The wonderful things and people of my choosing and a couple of things (my job and writing) that need to be re-worked. That's life too.

I'm getting to travel and my next big plan to save for is to go to an elephant sanctuary in Thailand to volunteer for a week or more.


So I think I'm becoming conscious of the question I didn't know I'd been asking all along, where do I want to put my love?

EY

Sometimes a Friendship is Just Over.

You know when a friendship is coming to an end. You just can’t find the motivation to spend any time with that person anymore. Usually because the memories of the last times together still leave a bad taste in your mouth. It’s about a person giving up a feeling of caring for you and not admitting to it. Or it’s an anger that they haven’t expressed about some perceived wrong.


I was in love with a man back in 1998. It was a short relationship that took me a really long time to get over. It took me a long time because of the fantasy. Almost immediately I felt that this was the man I was going to marry. I’ve never felt like this about any one before. It was a feeling, a knowing, that this was the man I was going to marry. I won’t get into depth, I don’t think I can go into depth about it but needless to say it didn’t work out. He told me he loved me but he couldn’t be with me. And it was over.


The interesting thing about it all was this was the first time that I reached out to my friends and said, “I’m heartbroken and I’m having a hard time dealing with this pain.”
I cried on a couple peoples voice mails. I needed support. I needed to be around people who cared about me and I asked for it.


One girlfriend came through once. She’d invited me over to her house. We chatted, I cried, we watched a movie and then her new boyfriend came over to pick her up to go to his performance. I didn’t hear from her again for months. The entire summer went by and we were approaching winter before she’d finally started calling me. I didn’t return her calls.


As I look back on the relationship with this girlfriend, I remember that I’d already been feeling like our friendship needed a break, at the least, or was coming to an end. You know how it is, you just don’t enjoy yourself as much when you spend time with some people. They make decisions about how they want to behave going forward and it could put a substantial strain on your patience.


For instance, I can remember this same girlfriend had decided one year, “this year is going to be All About Me.” And throughout the year she’d announce constantly, “It’s all about me! It’s all about me” It was truly trying especially for the friends who had been with her all along. What does that mean, it’s all about you? What about us, the people who’ve always been here for you and supported you? A couple of us considered dropping out of her life.


So when she didn’t call me for months it was the perfect opportunity to call it a day. So I did. We are in peoples lives for a reason and when the reason is gone...


A couple of points come up as I think about this. I needed to move away from that relationship as a part of my healing. When I’m in anger mode and that is all that I can focus on... When all I can think of about a friendship are the negatives, I think, for me, it’s time to move on. It may be for a short time. It may be that it takes a decade to see things from a different perspective. It may be that the friendship will never ever happen again. It happens as it happens.


We have recently, within the last year, resumed contact with each other. It’s not the same kind of friendship, obviously. But we are friendly. I can remember all the things I’ve always liked about her again.


The ideas that are popping up for me now, as I look back on this lesson of friendship is that I had certain expectations. I set expectations on how I thought I should be treated during my time of need. I was upset, I made the meaning of her caring or lack of caring about, “you didn’t call me for 6 months when you knew I was depressed and heartbroken.” And the big part of all of that is I never said anything to her about it. I didn’t give her a chance to say her peace. Granted, as I said earlier, after the ‘all about me’ year I needed a break.


I think that we can be cowards. We’re all guilty of this. At some point something happens in our lives and we have the expectation that certain people should show up for us. We have a health issue and we think our best friend should show up. We’re going through a hard time and we think our friends should care in a certain way. They should care in the way that we say. But if someone is being exactly who they are we have to then understand that they may only be able to give so much. And the bigger point, there may be a bigger reason why they simply cannot show up. They just don’t want to anymore, can be one of those reasons.


I have to accept that I play a part in all that happens around me. All that I create. I also have to hope that the more I delve into what I see, the more I will learn. As we know better, we do better...


I’ve discussed this before - accepting people exactly the way they are and accepting myself exactly the way I am. I think it’s a huge theme for the future, for everyone. We hear it, we’ve said it, if we’re going to stop wars, if we’re going to ever see world peace we have to stop trying to insist that all people be just like us. We have to learn to accept everyone’s differences. I’m no philosopher nor an academic so I won’t get into the atrocities that we humans commit against one another and entire countries.


I have another girlfriend. Her achilles heel is that people abandon her. She has told me on several occasions, “it seems like out of the blue someone freaks out on me and they basically tell me to go fuck myself and then they’re gone from my life. They don’t want to be my friend anymore. It has happened so many times and I don’t know why.”


I’ve been a coward. I suspect why some people have left her life, burning that bridge beyond repair. I’ve told her in one instance but not in all of them. She has the answer to everyones life, all the time. She has the answer with a touch of venom using poison tipped words. And she blames the person for any bad in his or her life. She’s simply not nice anymore. And she’s always had that insensitive edge to her. One of those, “I’m just telling you this for your own good” which is supposed to absolve her of any wrong when she says something without tact. You can tell somebody something for their own good without being an asshole.


She’s going through what so many of us go through once we hit a certain age. It’s having to face the reality that all of our childhood dreams have not been met. Let’s look at my realities - I never became a dancer. I’m still an unpublished writer. I’ve never been married or had children. Heck, I don’t even live in a fancy anything. I’ve accepted that. The only thing that hurts is being unpublished.


This girlfriend hasn’t accepted her reality and worse, she’s mad at those of us who are living our lives the best way we can and we are all starting to realize that about her. She cannot find a way to be happy when one of us has a nice bit of happiness enter our lives.


So slowly as I realize that this is exactly who she is. This is what she is going through. I spend less time with her. I would guess that so does everyone else. Hey, my life sucks too sometimes, I don’t need to make it suck more by spending the little free time I have with someone who is filled with venom.


Needless to say, she went through a breakup similar to mine and when she called asking for help she threatened, “If someone doesn’t call me back I’m going to do something really bad to myself.”


And that loaded word obligation came up. I didn’t want to call but I didn’t want to be left with the guilt that if I didn’t call and she did do something to herself that somehow I would have been at fault. So I called. She wasn’t a crying mess like I had been. She was angry and filled with all the answers as to how she is filled with a power that had intimidated her boyfriend and that’s why he left. Okay. When I changed the subject and asked about mutual friends, she proceeded to blame one for being sick, said another one was in an arranged situation (‘there’s really no love there) and asked me when I was going to get off my ass and get my writing done. Did I mention she doesn’t work and I work a full-time job and a part-time job? Yes it’s easy to have all the answers for the world at large when you haven’t worked a day in your life. But that’s just a little of my venom.


After that call I didn’t bother to call her for 6 months. I just couldn’t be bothered. I felt like her cry for help was emotional blackmail, a manipulation and I just couldn’t be a part of it. Emotional blackmail is one of my achilles heels. Emotional blackmail gets you to say yes when you don’t want to say yes for fear that should you say no something really bad could happen and by extension it would be your fault. I do not respect anyone who gives me no choice other than doing what they want me to do. IT MAKES ME HATE!


Anyway. We recently got together for dinner. I didn’t really want to go but I figured since it had been at least 6 months maybe it was the time to approach the subject. The moment I saw her I realized that nope, it wasn’t going to be discussed. The first thing out of her mouth was a careless remark that was basically like a laugh at how hard I work. Basically I’m a loser in her eyes.


I sat across from her and for the first time ever all I saw was an ugly person. Her skin looked ugly, her eye contact was angry and ugly. She was ugly to me. I knew that her poison tipped words were probably about her anger towards me. She is angry that I haven’t called her in six months. She is angry that I didn’t support her in her time of need. She didn’t ask me why I haven’t been available and I didn’t volunteer the information. Another girlfriend said to me last night, “that dinner was the funeral for your relationship.” Truth!


As I look back at the girlfriend who didn’t call me for six months, I wonder had she felt she’d done enough of what she could possibly give me at that time? Was I putting on her expectations of what I wanted not considering what she could do? Does my heartbreak mean that everyone else should stop what they are doing to sit vigil by my side? Does your heartbreak mean that I have to sit vigil? And it brings me back to accepting people exactly the way they are and accepting myself exactly the way I am.


Byron Katie shared a story a few years ago about her husband who wasn’t interested in joining on family outings. The outing were with her grown up kids and he didn’t have kids. And overall he just wasn’t interested. She made it into a thing briefly and then finally set him free from having to attend. She made family plans without him and found she enjoyed those outings more because she wasn’t worrying about him having a good time. And he went off and did his own thing. It wasn’t too long before once he had the freedom he started joining the family outings and started having a good time himself. She said something along the lines that when she realized she wasn’t responsible for him and accepted that the family thing wasn’t his thing it made everything easier. And for him, he needed the freedom to choose and when he did have the freedom he actually chose them.


I’m really trying to find that place of true full out acceptance. Removing false expectations and obligations from others and hopefully they will do the same for me.


The best analogy has always been about giving money to charity. It would be ridiculous to donate your entire pay cheque to a charity leaving you with no money to pay rent, get groceries etc. No, you give a portion of your pay. You give what you can afford to give.


I want to accept that people, my friends, my loved ones are giving me what they can afford to give emotionally, spiritually, keeping their own well being in consideration. I want to remove the focus on what I think they ought to give me, how they ought to support me. How many phone calls are enough phone calls if I’m heartbroken. Because if I lift my head and look around, other people did support me through that heart break. I wasn’t alone.


That work as yoga practice has really been helping me to look at my life from a different perspective, with a different attitude. And zero in on where I cause my own problems and zero in on what meanings I give to events that don’t have to mean the most negative.


And that said, sometimes a friendship is just over.

This was a long piece. If you’ve made it through the whole piece SERIOUSLY Thank you for reading!

EY

Work/Yoga Mindset

Connections in Life

I love when I see the themes and connections in my life.
The day that I was re-writing Sally Kempton’s article about the Work/Yoga mindset, Scott Sonnon posted about the “What the Hell Effect”. At the end of his post he wrote, “No cheat days. In Anything. Ever. “

My initial reaction is that scares me. That means no laziness. No procrastination, that if the truth be told, I have created an art form in procrastination. ART FORM! If you want to learn more about the Practice of Procrastination for a mere $9.99, please send your dollars to... Shelley-Lynne Domingue

sigh.

But as I thought about it more, “No cheat days. In Anything. Ever.” I brought it down into more manageable bites. First off is the Work/Yoga mindset. For it to work, for it to change my life, there can be no cheat days. When I looked at that, I connected into where I wasn’t taking a cheat day, when I normally would.

After my week off in August, I promised myself that I would get back to doing yoga every morning before I go to work. We know all the benefits of working out so I won’t get into all that. But it took me a bit of a conversation with myself to find the DVD that I would use. My main purpose is that I want to feel ready with energy for the work day when I leave my house. And I want to have the proper mindset.

I’ve noticed that a lot of yoga DVD’s irritate me when I do them in the morning. And it’s the chatter. If I were ever asked how the design the best yoga DVD, I would say have two work outs. One with the instructions and chatter and the other one that is exactly the same but only says the positions you are getting into and then silence. Silence!

I could get into a good rant about this, but I’ll cut myself short. I don’t think they are conscious of the fact that you will hear them say the same thing every single day because if they were more mindful of it... I remember Pink saying on Oprah that she has to turn the sound down on P90X because that guy’s voice gets on her nerves. lol

Anyway, I lucked out and picked the right DVD on the first try. Fat Free Yoga by Ravi Singh & Ana Brett. If you try it, it’s not the traditional downward dog yoga. It is Kundalini Yoga. Immediately Monday I felt great, really great. I didn’t feel like I could crash in the afternoon and since I was working both jobs on Monday, I felt just as great when I got to my part time job.

Okay, I was off for a week so how tired would I be? Tuesday morning I rolled myself out of bed and onto my yoga mat promising myself that if I could just do the work out everything would be okay. And it was. Same high energy level at work on Tuesday.
I’ve done that work out every single day this week without negotiating with myself, without coming up with any excuses to press the snooze button for just 15 more minutes. Just open eyes, roll out of bed, doing drunken sleepy walk to put on my yoga gear and start yoga.

No cheat days. In Anything. Ever.

What I love about Kundalini Yoga, why I chose this practice above any other yoga practices, is that I like the work out, the breath work and the mantras. To MY inner knowing, that is what yoga is. No criticism of anyone else’s choice. This is my choice.

What I’ve been looking for within this practice over the years, is my chosen mantra. When I got my tattoo last week, I silently chanted Sat Nam and in the painful parts of the tattoo process, I silently chanted Sa Ta Na Ma. It was helpful. But I still want a personal mantra that resonates with me. I have yet to find it, I know I will.

On Friday, after work I was walking through the Ryerson University grounds. Frosh week has begun. A man asked me if I worked a Ryerson. No. That’s okay, I can still offer you this. And he gave me a business card of a new yoga centre that focuses on yoga mantras, chanting and singing. Seriously, dude!

He (Sam) says, “although I don’t know why I stopped you because you look so relaxed, what’s your practice?”
Me: “Ha ha! I am relaxed. This is the, “I get to leave work early on a long weekend” practice of relaxation.” And I cracked myself up.

Sam was holding the Bhagavad Gita in his hand. I extended the conversation with, “it’s funny that you should be holding that book because...” and I pulled out my paper that I did on the Work/Yoga mindset and said that Sally Kempton took quotes out of the Bhagavad Gita. Sam showed me the same quote from my paper in the book and then found me a mantra to try out. I love those little magical moments when everything connects.

This morning I woke up from my dream. I dreamt that not only did I see Prince in concert but after his concert, he came over to my place to hang out. We discussed how when the music is really flowing for him, he could play his concert all night long if they let him. I talked about the times that I’ve been in that writing flow, when I’ve tried to go to sleep and keep jumping up to write down the words and sentences that are dancing in my head. They just won’t let me sleep and that’s the best feeling.

A couple of funny notes in my dream -
1- friends kept dropping in to my place and I never outed Prince. But in one conversation with my friend Sarah who looked like Britney Spears (bahaha) she said something about feeling like she could go and perform somewhere nonstop until she couldn’t move. I pointed at Prince and said, “Yes we were just talking about that.” Sarah/Britney looked over at Prince, did a double take and then looked at me. I smiled and nodded Yes, as if to say yes, that’s really who you think it is.

2- at one point Prince sits down on my kitchen floor, leaning against the wall. I sit beside him and say, “the floor is a little dirty. I was going to clean up before I went to your concert but I figured, why worry about it, it’s not like I’m going to pick up a guy and bring him home. Especially not PRINCE!” I cracked myself up in my dream.

The next night in my dream, Prince and I were saying our good byes in a park, with an art exhibit.
I ran to catch up to him and said, “Scott Sonnon had a post on facebook recently and it really resonates with me and me spending this time with you. It was ‘no cheat days, in anything, ever.’”
Prince nodded his head in agreement, we hugged and parted ways.

So I’m thinking, that’s my mantra.

No Cheat Days. In Anything. Ever!

EY

Scott Sonnon's "What the Hell Effect!"

Fat Free Yoga by Ravi Singh and Ana Brett

Scott Sonnon's Being From Prague response

I deleted today the following post to my Timeline:

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"Being from Prague, I'm very curious why you post pictures of your self? Do you do it only to take money from people who think you're pretty, because you lack self-esteem and need other people to coddle you with praise, or is it both because all Americans are so vain and capitalistic? Same question for your incessant repetition of your childhood stories; is it because people are stupid enough to buy a book of yours because you had a difficult childhood, or is it because your ego compulsively needs people to tell you how beautiful and wise you have deceived them into thinking you look and sound now? Like you, I'm a member of MENSA so I can see the manipulation you're hypnotizing people with. I'm smart and fit now too, but I don't whine about being made fun of in school for when I was stupid and fat. ~ Fredrick"

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After deleting the above from my page, I decided a reply would be helpful, so I offer this story.

Hi Fredrick,

Let me share with you a story from when I was "a child." From forced company of socially estranged misfits, I fell into role playing games, and rapidly became a D&D fanatic. I'd spend hours (if not days) absorbed in the library, doing background research on the history, geography, mythology and ethos of the campaigns, becoming intellectually ravenous for any morsel which would add visual depth to the game.

But I observed a strange phenomenon: regardless of whether my character type had been chosen as a warrior, thief, cleric, assassin, paladin, ranger, or barbarian, the character would inevitably develop the same annoying character traits, fall into the same frustrating predicaments, and be surrounded by the same array of impossible obstacles and obstinate people.

Hopefully, being such a smart person, you have already figured out my discovery. But as a 13 year old boy, imagine my surprise when I had realized that the common denominator among all of these asinine characters was... me. I had been objectively observing a cross-verified sample of my own personality traits. Regardless of skills, environment, background, opportunities and challenges, my most undesirable character traits manifested in the role playing. They were glaring, grating reflections.

At that point, I had a single brilliant thought. Each of us has a few in our lifetime; and this had been one of my most important: if I changed the undesirable traits in myself, then all of my characters would improve in any campaign they underwent. So, I began work on myself:
--> to start being accountable for my own actions rather than blaming others,
--> to stop complaining about what I ought to be entitled to and started to focus on earning my keep,
--> to stop feeling self-righteous about my opinion and started seeking to understand others perspectives,
--> to stop fleeing dire circumstances for my own safety and started standing my ground for a worthy cause even at personal loss.

Astoundingly to me, as I worked on myself, my gaming improved; all of my characters became more successful, admired and fulfilling to play. That's when I stopped gaming. I had extracted its most secret value: the game, for me, was just an opportunity to gaze in my mental mirror. When I saw what my reflection actually looked like, I had learned the solution to my childhood problems: ME! I was the problem AND the solution. If I changed the behaviors and habits which kept me in my abusive, terrifying, destitute circumstances, then my environment would change as well.

And it did, as I did. Now, I still continue to this very day to consider the hologram I'm currently projecting out into the world. What is it that I see in others and of my situations? Do I see ugliness or beauty, apathy or love, hate or compassion, anxiety or impatience, fear or faith, scarcity or abundance; what do I REALLY see, rather than what do I wish I'd see? What I see is not the world, but my perception of it. If my perception is undesirable, it is not the hologram which ought to (or even, can) alter, but the projection camera.

You say you're an intelligent guy being a member of the High IQ Society. Use that big brain of yours to look at that which you are perceiving in others. You may not like the reflection you see, but you will regain power to change your perception. Your world will improve as you do.

Very Respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/ScottSonnon

Scott Sonnon

Facebook does have it’s benefits. One of the things I like the most is that you can see what your friends press ‘like’ on. I noticed my friend Tanya was always liking this guy’s post and when she commented on his posts, she’d call him Coach.

Who is this Scott ‘coach’ guy? Is he a life coach? So I started clicking into his posts.
Writing wise, he does everything I would like to eventually do. He gives personal anecdotes that provide an experiential teaching. He wasn’t the cool kid, or the good looking kid. He was the over weight kid. He was the kid who wasn’t supposed to amount to anything. He was the kid who was told, by the well-meaning, that he should have realistic goals. Don’t dream too big, you’ll be disappointed.

If I were to describe who Scott is, well, it would fall short of all he encompasses on his page. And don’t we get too focused on trying to describe who people are rather than focusing on the gifts that they give? Needless to say I’ve been following him for a year or so now.

One thing I could never understand about Scott was why he always responds to the negativity. We’ve all read those comment sections in articles or on facebook pages where there are the ‘anonymous’ posters who take a crap on what’s just been said. They take a crap on the views expressed. They take a crap on the people who want to move up in their thinking instead of staying in the dirty gutter of negativity.

I’d read some of Scott’s posts responding to those types and I’d think, “Scott, why do you bother? You can’t change them!”

And then it clicked in, it’s not them he’s trying to change. He’s showing on a daily basis that he has a particular focus and no matter what the gutter dwellers say, he isn’t losing that focus. ‘So thank you for your comment, you have a right to it, and this is what I believe and have a right to believe.”

It connects so well with what I mentioned in a previous blog entry about accepting others exactly the way they are providing the opening to then accept ourselves exactly the way we are.

Scott’s posts teach me everyday to stay focused in doing what I want to do, no matter the criticisms. And There Will Be CRITICISMS! Right? Always criticisms. I wrote him a quick note to tell him that I finally got what he was doing. And Thank you because it is so important for us to learn - At Any Age!

This is my Personal One Year of a new Nine year cycle, as I mention a lot ;) And I’ve learned some profound things this year. I’ve been learning the deeper meanings of what I thought I already knew. The most recent reason why I sent Scott a message was about his response to “Being From Prague”. I will post his response as a blog entry.

I had an AHA moment about being centred. I told Scott that what I’ve really learned is that he is role-modeling how to be centred - physically, emotionally and spiritually. I’ve always understood being centred as being grounded, feet firmly planted, the physical aspect of being grounded. But I’d never brought the discipline of thinking into it. I’m seeing more and more that thinking/ thought is a discipline.

The discipline of thought is running a race and not getting distracted by the people in the stands screaming your name or your opponent’s name. It’s performing as your character in a play and not noticing your family in the audience. It’s the practice of Work as Yoga and not being attached to a specific outcome. Fully in your centre.

It reminds me of a question that Wayne Dyer asks in one of his PBS specials, “ What comes out of you when you’re squeezed?”
He says if you squeeze an orange you always get orange juice. But if someone squeezes you do they get anger, venom, what do they get?

We can choose what it is that comes out of us regardless of what is going on. We can remain in our centre even when we are squeezed. We need the discipline of our thoughts to bring us forward. Who am I kidding, all those sentences should say “I, not we!” ha-ha!

Sometimes my mind is like Houdini struggling to get out of a restraint, except he was gifted and quick. lol What do I choose to come out of me when I am squeezed?

EY

Scott Sonnon on Facebook

Work Yoga Attitude Makeover

My friend Sarah posted a link to an an article by Sally Kempton about bringing a yogic attitude to your work. (The link to the article will be at the end of this blog entry. ) And it affected me profoundly. It’s so funny how sometimes I can remember how much smarter I was when I was younger in some things. I think it was because I kept things simple. But that was more of my work attitude in my early working days.

Anyway, I read the article, highlighted what resonated with me then brought it down to a page of focus for me to look at each morning before I go to work.
Here are the tidbits that I find helpful, I’ve changed some of the wording to suit my needs:

What matters most is not what you do, but how you do it.
1- Throw yourself completely into a task. Do whatever you do impeccably, with full attention. Approach your work with your full presence and with your highest quality of attention.

EY note - I’ve always been this way but I’d been doing it angrily, lately.

At the beginning of a task, say to myself, “Looking back on this, How would I have wanted to perform this task?”

2- Surrender your attachment to results. You never know how things will turn out. You simply can’t know if anyone will buy your novel or whether someone at another company will notice the work you do and offer you a great job. Consider what it would look like to do your work for the sake of the work alone. Discover how you can, moment by moment, release your attachment to outcomes. Consider how you can live your passion and yet detach yourself from how things turn out.

EY Note - There are no promises in anything we do but there can be gifts that we never expected.

3- Do your work as Service. (I wrote to think of the idea of my day job as me doing a service for my writing)
Do something for the sake of being helpful.
Shift that inner attitude from “What am I not getting?” to “What can I give?”
Shift from “Something’s wrong with this situation” to “How can I help make it better?”
Begin taking action at work, ask yourself, “Who or what does this serve?”

EY Note - I like this because it removes the bitterness of feeling like I’m doing all this work while others are screwing the pooch. It doesn’t matter what they are doing. What matters is that I am keeping my focus.

I also added the note, which is so important, “Being of service is not the same thing as martyring yourself for a cause or letting yourself be exploited. Consider yourself in the equation. Think about what you need in order to serve at your best. And Stand up for yourself!”

4- Make Your Work an offering
Whatever you do, make it an offering, bringing an attitude of devotion to your actions.
“I offer this day asking that my actions be beneficial for all beings.”
Whatever you are doing, whether it is “important” or “unimportant”, you can offer it. And by offering your work, your practice, and even your small everyday actions, you align yourself with the universe, and your work becomes yoga - the natural path to union with the whole.

Sally Kempton wrote a great article which goes more in depth, obviously. I hope it gives you the gifts it has given me. And Thanks Again Sarah!

EY

Bring a yogic attitude to your work and find satisfaction in your job, no matter what it is. By Sally Kempton

Girlfriends, Themes and My Cats

Of course I was on vacation last week. Partially because I needed a serious break from work and how frustrated I'd been feeling. Partially because I wanted to get going on my apartment purge (I've given myself a two year goal, by the way). And partially because I needed some girlfriend time and it's so much easier to make it happen with the time off. I saw four girlfriends during my stay-cation and the conversations all had the same theme.

Everyone of the conversations delved into letting people go and when it's time to let people go.
There are so many reasons that we stay friends with someone, stay in a bad relationship past the expiry date and even continue on in a career/job that is dissatisfying. For me, I find that I will justify a lot of bad behaviour before one thing finally hits my 'letting go' nerve and I'm done. But I realize that, truly, I get stuck in obligation.

Obligation.

We've been friends for this long, even though you say shitty, flippant things to me and belittle what makes me happy.
He just needs to get past this bad period in his life and he'll be nice again.
She's family. You can't distance yourself from family.
I'm calling because I feel like I HAVE to call but I don't actually want to call.

I believe more and more that feeling obligated is a shackle around my neck. It wastes my time. It's not honest and that makes me feel twice as bad. It's not honest because I'm doing something I don't want to do. And it's not honest because I'm not accepting the person (or situation) for exactly who they are. I'm hoping the person will change and be the way she used to be, the way I want her to be...

How many times have we heard, "Just accept it. This is the way it is" when we complain about a situation?
We nod our heads sheepishly and agree, "You're right." Most times.

I'm thinking about this more for people too. "Accept it, Shelley, this is the way SHE is" hmm

If I accept her for exactly the way she is then that means I no longer have to feel the need to stay and change her. I can accept all her behaviours and I have the right to walk away because I am accepting me for exactly who I am too. It doesn't matter how long we've been lovers or friends or even family, time flies by too quickly for me to get stuck in the shackles of obligation. If a person is continually insensitive and I call her on it and she makes it my fault for her insensitivity, I have an important choice to make. She is saying that she isn't going to apologize or change, and she doesn't have to, and I don't have to stay.

I'm totally interested in the other side of the story too. It's clearly not as simple as me walking away or letting go of a relationship. How do I play my part in the other person's story?

My best anecdote is about the woman who took care of my cats while I was away. This is a woman who has admitted that she is lonely and doesn't have many friends.

There was more than enough food. I feed my cats crunchy food TD Cal that I buy from my vet. I got a brand new bag so there was more than enough. The bag lasts them a month. I was away for a week.

I feed my cats canned food once a week (even less) and they share a tiny can. I told her that if the cats seemed out of sorts she could give them two cans during the week as a treat. One can on two different occasions.

I come back from my trip and she informs me, "that's not good cat food. They like the canned with the gravy and the morsels."
Ohh ho Kay, so that means she's fed them the food that I feed them, goes out and buys them food (that they don't need) and feeds them how many cans?

I shrug it off, okay fine, I'm grateful to have had someone watch them while I was gone. My two grown cats are fine on their own but I would have been worried about Stormy the one year old.

She opens the drawer where I keep their canned food to show me she'd bought them two bags of cat treats and a popular named crappy canned food and it's twice the size of the cans I feed them. Holy Shit!

She tells me, "You should feed them this, they love this." She has the tone of voice that makes me feel as if she is saying that I don't know anything about cats and I'm not taking proper care of them.

Of course if my cats were kids, she wouldn't dream of taking them to McDonald's every day for a week. Kids love McDonald's! Well the food she gave 'my kids' was the equivalent of that.

I felt like I was obligated (the shackle) to accept what she'd done and keep the grateful attitude for her taking care of them. I was grateful, but seriously, they had everything they needed. She didn't need to spend any money. I would never leave someone to take care of my cats without enough supplies.

There were more shenanigans. She'd move my furniture around because she didn't feel that Gatsby had to eat his food under my work out bench. I, of course, put his food there because he likes eating his food there. He used to take his food in his mouth, run under the work out bench, drop the food on the floor and then slowly eat it. He likes to eat there.

And then she nit picked. She told me everything that was wrong, in her opinion, with my apartment. She asked me why I didn't use my work out paraphernalia more. She insulted the sheets on my bed. "These are not good sheets."

No stone was left unturned.

So I'm curious, it's the writer in me. I'm curious about the story she's creating for me to play my part and walk away so she can stay in being lonely and not having many friends. What part of any of this stops this woman from being lonely and not having many friends? Absolutely nothing. She must mean well?!? All I kept thinking was, "Didn't your parents teach you any fucking manners?"
What could she possibly be thinking?

I feel like all of this is a big thing for me this year. How do I want to spend my time? Who do I want to share my time with? Am I going to focus on your snide remarks when you say you love me? Or am I going to focus on those who "show" me they love me? What am I willing to tolerate? Do I have to feel like I'm tolerating something?

I know that it's all important because I've been here before. I know that so much of what has been happening with some people and what some others are discussing with me is helping me to be and stay clear. That's all I can ask for, clarity.

EY

Here are some old blog entries on this old cycle:

Silence May 17, 2012

Clearing Old Energy June 5, 2011

I Want To Feel Good May 28, 2011

The Book Purge has Ended - For Now

I have to say that this whole purge thing is labour intensive. It is far more work than the years of purchasing. ha-ha!
I've managed to pull out all of my books from the bins and trunks and boxes that I had of them. I got rid of a good chunk of books and now nothing is hidden away. All the books I still have I can actually see and reach. So next will be to do a whole lot of reading and to continue to purge.

I think it will be easier to let go of more books once I purge more of my other things. But in the meantime I feel like I've done a good job. I sold a few books and left a whole lot on the window sill of my apartment building for others to pick through. And they did! Walking down the stairs and seeing the books rearranged and disappearing was a satisfying feeling.

My trunk that was filled with books is now filled with my handbags and purses. I won't be purging those anytime soon because I actually use them all. So that's a great place to keep them since they are easier to access.
One of the rubbermaid bins that was filled with books now has my sheets, pillowcases and my electric blanket in it and is strategically placed under my bed.

So it was a good week of accomplishment considering starting with books was the hardest thing to do. The good thing about starting with the hardest thing is that I'm starting to feel more ruthless.

I met with a couple girlfriends, while I was on vacation, and brought one some activity books (from my Child and Youth work days) and stuffed animals for her daughter. The activity books she can grow into. And for my other girlfriend who has a boy and a girl, I brought her the rest of the small stuffed animals. Because she's a teacher, if her kids don't want the stuffed animals (like they wouldn't - hee-hee) she can bring them to school. I kept my oversized stuffed animals, for now since they already have a spot in my apartment. There are a few I will keep, like my mom's teddy bear from when she was a child and my teddy bear from when I was a child.

I took a break last weekend since I had to do laundry and get groceries and all those kind of chores. Plus it was the last of my vacation and I didn't want to be handcuffed to the purge. It was good to relax and get back to the mindset of going back to work on Monday. And I felt good about going back to work so that was all good.

Tonight I came home with a purpose and got rid of a whack of picture frames that have been in a pile forever and made more room for my cookbooks. I'm going to go through them at some point and whittle them down. It's so easy to get recipes on the internet, which I mostly do these days but there are still some cookbooks that I'll want to keep.

I was flipping through the minimalists site last night at my part-time job and jumped on to a post about throwing out/ getting rid of one thing per day. I like that idea as well. So I'm finding that trying ANYTHING and everything is probably my best bet.

And my binders. I've been looking through my binders of papers that I can scan to pdf and save on a flash drive.

And that's how the purge goes for now. :)

EY

Scott Sonnon's Morning Exercise

As a morning exercise to focus my day, charge my body, vitalize my emotions and clarify my vision, I recorded the 29 Most Impacting Attitude Changes I started doing which has kept me on my path:

1. Instead of mulling around the wrong people, places, activities, food and attitudes, I started walking with the right ones.

2. Instead of running away from my obstacles, anxieties and fears, I started turning and running at them. (Most disappeared; the remainder, I finally began resolving.)

3. Instead of lying to myself, I held myself accountable. Even if they hurt, they turned out to be for the better.

4. Instead of putting my needs second, I began to put them first; and as a result, my best use better served others.

5. Instead of trying to be someone I'm not, I began to embrace everything I am (and discovered my uniquenesses which no one else can duplicate.)

6. Instead of clutching the pain of the past or chasing the worry of the future, I began to relish the incredible potential of "right now."

7. Instead of being afraid of making mistakes, I started to embrace them with humor and gratitude for the path to my success has been paved with my failures but overgrown when I had quit and when I never had started.

8. Instead of beating myself up about prior mistakes, I began to see their experience and insight had brought me to my awareness of the right choices.

9. Instead of trying to purchase happiness, I started to give it away (and - ironically - have become happy finally.)

10. Instead of hoping others would make me happy, I decided I was perfectly enough, and as a result, capable of happiness without anyone filling a perceived void within me.

11. Instead of drifting on the current, I decided to GROW with the flow, and - all things be damned - stand against it, if my values compelled me.

12. Instead of worrying that I wasn't ready for something, I accepted that no one can be perfectly prepared. I stepped up to bat and started swinging; and made a few great hits that I'd never had, would I have not swung and missed some.

13. Instead of getting involved with relationships for the wrong reasons, I candidly opened conversations on the right reasons for me to stay with someone. Many left; those who mattered, always have remained.

14. Instead of rejecting new relationships because of past hurts, I accepted that risking pain of lost love is better than risking loss of opportunities to feel love.

15. Instead of competing against everyone in order to win everything, I started to play with everyone in all things, and discovered I could not lose anything.

16. Instead of coveting the scarce resources I did not have, I started expressing gratitude for the abundance I did (and surprisingly, greater fulfillment followed.)

17. Instead of complaining, and pitying myself, I started cheering and celebrating myself; instead of lamenting the limitations of my disabilities; I started relishing the limitlessness of my genius.

18. Instead of holding space for grudges in my heart, I freed myself from their bondage. Forgiving others didn't excuse their behaviors and attitudes; it liberated my own.

19. Instead of letting others drag me down, I either gave them a hand up, or lived my life unapologetically. (Surprisingly, like those others above me had inspired me to climb, some stopped trying to drag others down, and climbed up themselves.)

20. Instead of trying to apologize for being myself, I started thanking others for being true to themselves. Ironically, living authentically became effortless.

21. Instead of pushing incessantly to fill a sense of lacking worth, I took periodic pauses to marvel at the life given to me, and appreciated ever more greatly the blessing of being able to drive for that in which I so passionately believe.

22. Instead of awaiting the next big thing to be completed, or to arrive, I started reveling in the continual stream of the little things; and discovered they hold the greatest significance.

23. Instead of trying to make everything perfect, I realized they already are, even when they're full of flaws and mistakes... just like me.

24. Instead of following the path of least resistance, I started creating the path upon which my heart compelled me to explore... No matter how great the resistance; and realized, only ever a solitary individual with one humble act had ever turned the tide. It started with me.

25. Instead of living the lie that everything is fine, when I found unacceptable circumstances, I calmly but defiantly began saying no. Ironically, more chances to say yes began to appear.

26. Instead of giving away my power by blaming others, I started empowering myself with the responsibility to change.

27. Instead of trying to be all things to all people, I decided I was going to be everything I could whenever I could. Ironically, I found myself of greater value to more people.

28. Instead of worrying so much, I started believing in the power of faith. By giving up anything I could not change to God, I began able to change everything that I needed to change for myself.

29. Instead of fixating on what I didn't want to happen, I started vividly imagining what I did, passionately pursing it, enjoying the steps, and relishing my mistakes. Surprisingly, what I most wanted, what I ultimately needed, began to happen more often.

Very Respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/ScottSonnon

Minimalist in Training or The Big Purge of 2013

Last night, I started Day 1 of getting rid of my stuff. I started with books because my place is filled with them and books will be the hardest thing to let go of. I started with three empty boxes:
1- Keep
2- Recycle/Garbage
3- Sell

As I was sorting through the books in the shelves under my window I could see how difficult this could be. Talk about emotional attachments to books. When you write and even beyond that, when you love to read, it's hard to let go. I wasn't getting too far because honestly, the books were going in the keep box and the Sell box was empty. So I added a fourth box - Undecided. That helped me to pull some books out of the Keep box and really got the process flowing. And some books started making it in to the sell box as well.

I went to a used book store on my way home from work on Monday and asked if they buy a lot of books, "Like buggies full," and Buddy said they are happy to buy buggies full. It's a good quality used book store so they'd be going to a good way station before they go to a good home. Um, yes, emotional attachment to books.

I've negotiated with myself on a couple things to make the process easier.
1- Now that I've unplugged the television, I can read more of the books I do own and then sell them
2- The books that I sell immediately, I will write a list of titles and authors (that still interest me) and I can purchase them on Kindle or Kobo, if I really want to read them. I know full well that my attention goes off in other directions so I probably won't buy them for my e-reader but it's the mind trick I'm playing with myself that will help me to move it along.

I set aside some children's books that I will pass on to my girlfriend for her young daughter. The little one isn't quite at reading age but she is definitely at being read to age. Plus some activity books from my child and youth work days, that will definitely be interesting to her for years to come. Especially since My friend is very crafty.

So really it's become 5 boxes.

I figure I'll start this way first and once I've gone through everything I will do the major one, that the minimalists recommend, packing up everything in your house as if you are moving and finding out what you actually use during a week or two and what you never touch. It makes sense to have less stuff before I do that one.

I do live in an apartment building where, if you leave your discarded stuff on the window sills in the stairway, other people pick up what they want from it. But with books (emotional attachment) if I leave them out there and they aren't taken I always take them back. I can't bear the thought of books ending up in the garbage. So that's the main reason why I'm selling them.

I took the week off work as a needed vacation because last week was pretty irritating and I realize that it was irritating because I haven't had time off since Bermuda and that was the first week of June. Only I could think this is a fun vacation but I'm actually really stoked. I've made plans with a couple girlfriends and am contacting a couple more girlfriends in hopes of making plans so there will be social fun and laughter and beer in the midst.

I realize that I'm not telling anyone anything new about purging and making changes in our lives. It was part of the gremlin/ critic in my head the other day. You know that ass that tells you, Who do you think you are? Why are you writing about these things everybody is laughing at you, is going to laugh at you? You aren't telling anyone anything that they couldn't find better information any where else. The Gremlin has been on full throttle. He's screaming actually. But I'm working through him anyway. I'm showing up anyway. I'm writing about what's going on anyway. I know when I get to the other side, something positive will come of it. Gremlins only say positive things once the work is finished, never during the actual pain and perspiration. Gremlins don't do work, they hinder work.

I've been blogging since 2006 and I only saw, could only see, the body of work when I looked back through the archives years later.

My ultimate goal is to get down to only having books on the four book cases that I own.
1- One bookcase has my favourite authors: Nancy Huston; A.M Homes; Jasper Fforde. And books that I re-read (Alice Walker; Richard Wright; The Great Gatsby; Five Smooth Stones etc)
2 & 3 - My two large bookcases have the workbooks: writing manuals/handbooks; Numerology/Astrology/Tarot; Kundalini Yoga/ Qigong; Energy work/Self development; Creativity/Drawing; Dream work (lucid dreams) etc. I need to get these cases down to the essentials and weed out the books that don't really do it for me.
4 - One bookcase has all the books I've purchased at IFOA (International Festival of Author's)
That's the direction I move towards.

The Boxes of Purge:
1- Keep
2- Recycle/Garbage
3- Sell
4- Undecided
5- Give away


EY